Who would you choose? Maturity vs Fun?

Hello all -

I had a pretty bad break-up last year, so here I am again asking for some advice because I am completely torn.

I have been dating/talking to two people the past couple months.... let's call them "A" and "L".

"L" came along first, then "A".

"L":

"L" is responsible, a year younger than me, has her own apartment, no pets, lives only a couple miles from me, never done drugs of any kind. Her idea of hanging out with her friends is to relax, get food and have 1-2 drinks. In fact, this past weekend she saw her best friend... they got food, golfed, baked cookies, got a drink or two then called it a day.

"L" is also a virgin and has never done anything, not even masturbated. She feels strongly about not having sex before marriage or at least in love.

I got her to loosen up a bit and she has done some sexual things with me now, but no sex... which is fine.

I believe her sense of "stiffness" came from her father, who was very strict with her and her sister. She had to be "the best" at everything.

"A":

"A" is 3yrs older than me, lives with her parents still, has a dog, lives several miles from me (~40min drive) and smokes weed (2-3 times a year from what she says). I've only hung out with her and her friends once, which was this past weekend. We went to a baseball game and her friends aren't my type of people. We all bought tickets to see the game, but we never even saw the game... her friends wanted to just sit at this bar inside the stadium and just drink. Her one friend was drunk out of her mind and was making a fool of herself. I'm pretty sure "A" got drunk too, but not as badly as her friend. I do not like drinking that much, I had a couple drinks but that was it. For some reason, I get very uncomfortable when I am around drunk people... because I don't know who I am talking to. I never liked drinking, my parents never drank and I only saw the damage it has done to people in my extended family and friends in high school. So needless to say, I was not having fun...not seeing the game and being the only sober one of the drunken group was not cool.

"A" also loves her dog, which gives me anxiety. I personally don't like pets or dogs... maybe because my parents don't like them and I never grew up with them. I also have pet allergies. Every time I have seen "A" and her dog, I got itchy eyes and constant sneezing/sniffles. I refrained from petting the dog and touching my face, but just being around the dog was enough for my allergies to kick in. It gives me anxiety because the dog will randomly bark, stare at me, growl, etc. "Does it want to play? Does it want food? Does it not like me?"

"A" is sexually experienced, she said she has been with 17 people. The reasoning for this was because she had a boyfriend years ago that told her she was only good for sex, so that's all she felt that she was good for. Eventually, she broke his mentality and stopped thinking that way.

"A" is a geek like me and we have the same humor. We are very sarcastic and make each other laugh a lot. She is a movie buff and we love watching movies together and playing video games. It is always an absolute BLAST hanging out with her!

So, in short....

Me:

- 25 yrs old

- Never done drugs and very uncomfortable when people do it around me. I never had a significant other who did weed when I was with them, and not sure how I would feel about it.

- Not a big drinker, get uncomfortable around drunk people. I get anxious around them, and get even more anxious about drunk people who I care about.

- Allergic to pets and get very anxious around dogs who are rambunctious.

- Have my own house

- Working in my career

- Nerdy/Geeky

"A":

- 28 yrs old

- Smokes weed rarely (2-3 times a year, from what she says)

- Enjoys drinking and getting rowdy with her friends (she says she only does it every couple months, but the time I witnessed it I felt uncomfortable)

- Geeky like me

- Same sense of humor

- Has dog and loves it

- Very attractive

- Always so fun hanging out with her (just us)

- Lives with parents

"L":

- 24 yrs old

- Responsible

- Never done drugs (and has no intention to)

- Has a couple drinks every once in awhile but that's it

- Not geeky

- Humor is OK

- No pets

- Attractive

- It is nice to hangout with her, but I don't have fun

- Mature

- Lives alone in her apartment

I am torn as to who to pick.

Do you pick who makes you the happiest when you are with them? Or pick the more mature person?

If I pick "A", I'll need to have a discussion with her in regards to the drinking/weed... and have to come up with a solution for the dog problem. Allergy shots, medication, etc.

If I pick "L", it'll be easier for me but I'll be thinking about how much fun I have with "A". I don't have to worry about her drinking/weed or pets though.

Thanks guys!

Doesn’t sound like you have any fun with A. Read your post again. She does drugs which you don’t like ,she drinks which you don’t like and she has a dog which makes you physically sick when you’re there. And you don’t like her friends . What part of that is having fun ?

Doesn’t sound like you have any fun with A. Read your post again. She does drugs which you don’t like ,she drinks which you don’t like and she has a dog which makes you physically sick when you’re there. And you don’t like her friends . What part of that is having fun ?

When it is just us, it is a blast!

But maybe I need to realize that all of those things are a package deal with "A". I have been told many times before that I am "too stiff" or "too judgmental" when it came to drinking/drugs, so I don't know if I should loosen up when it comes to that stuff or walk away.

When it is just us, it is a blast!

But maybe I need to realize that all of those things are a package deal with "A". I have been told many times before that I am "too stiff" or "too judgmental" when it came to drinking/drugs, so I don't know if I should loosen up when it comes to that stuff or walk away.

There is no need to loosen up from that. You find yourself someone who suits you not change yourself to suit someone else . That breeds resentment . You have to choose someone who fits into your criteria ALREADY not try and fit someone into your criteria .

Keep looking. A sounds pretty immature for a 28 year old and L seems little sheltered.

Choose maturity.

Maturity does not equal stiff. Self respect is a key ingredient. Seek someone who embraces the life she has chosen, and who makes choices that help her excel. Your example of the fun one is, in truth, self sabotaging and escaping her reality -- a sign of being overwhelmed and having no respect for her capacity to excel. She may be fun in the moment, but not as a gf.

You will have much much more fun with someone who makes exciting choices towards attaining her goals. If she isn't any fun socially,then she isn't for you.

Start over with two new candidates.

Yup. Neither.

I was leaning towards “L” for you because you have a more similar lifestyle and mindset... but the truth is you just don’t like her like that. You think she’s boring.

“A” you are just attracted to but is not compatible. To ask someone to give up their friends and their drinking and their weed and their dog... lol!... ok, maybe you wouldn’t ask her to give all that up but you aren’t happy with it... not compatible.

You are still young. Find someone who is not boring who you are compatible with.

Fun voter here!!! If A is open minded you can spend a few months having real fun with her.

If you're looking for a relationship, choose neither. You're not compatible with L or A long-term.

You're not crazy about either of them. The way you speak about them sounds like you're trying to decide which cereal to eat for breakfast. If you were crazy about one of them, you wouldn't have to ask a forum and the answer would be clear--the heart wants what the heart wants. And asking L to change for you shouldn't be an option. It's wiser to pick someone you don't want to change in a major way.

The reason for dating is to see who meets all of your major needs and find someone you can't imagine your life without, and they are crazy about you in return. This is neither of these women. You found out what you need to know, so move on to more dating experiences.

I'd stop wasting time on both of them and keep on looking for better.

Also, lifestyle, friends, hobbies - it's ALL a package deal. So if you don't like the whole package, keep moving and remember that the time and energy you are wasting on these women is lost opportunity to meet better matches. You don't get that time back in life.

Yep, stop wasting your time and theirs. If you're just out for a bit of fun, then you'll have to take A's friends as part of the package. If she's looking for anything deeper, it won't be with you.

Otherwise, if you're looking for a relationship which could potentially be long term, it doesn't sound as though either of these women fits the bill. There are plenty more out there!

I would go for neither or L

And why do people blame "strict fathers" when a woman is a virgin?? Some women DO make that choice not because they are repressed, but because they have a confident head on their shoulders to make that choice. It sounds like she has made a very level headed choice to wait for marriage or until at least in love and since you are juggling women, its to her credit that she won't have sex with you.

I would go for neither or L

 

And why do people blame "strict fathers" when a woman is a virgin?? Some women DO make that choice not because they are repressed, but because they have a confident head on their shoulders to make that choice. It sounds like she has made a very level headed choice to wait for marriage or until at least in love and since you are juggling women, its to her credit that she won't have sex with you.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I have been leaning towards L, since we are bit more mature together.

As for the "strict father", I didn't assume or blame that... she told me herself. She said she blames her Dad but realizes that it isn't realistic. But does want to be "in love", which is totally fine.

I would say out of all the issues to have this is not that bad. Why not just date them both and see where it goes? You're 25 and shouldn't be in any rush to settle down, in my opinion. There's plenty of time for that, plenty. Live for you. I'm not advocating hurting anyone or hiding anything, just tell them both you are dating and ask if they are dating. Be a straight up person and date.

I think you'll find neither of these two are your choice in the end.

Mitch