How many zeros do you/did you have to go through before finding the One

Most people have been through breakups, but how many must a person go through before finding the right person to settle down with comfortably? Or do most people fall back on a lost love to claim as their everlasting?

I'm curious, because statistically speaking... lots of relationships end up falling apart. Knowing this, how do you become optimistic when dating? Or is it necessary to be somewhat cynical?

I found mine in high school, my first real girlfriend.

I know people much older than me that are still looking.

There isn't some cosmic balancing force that increases your chances of finding the one after failed attempts.

Dating multiple people only even helps if you learn from each one too.

It is a numbers/matching game.

I found mine in high school, my first real girlfriend.

 

I know people much older than me that are still looking.

 

There isn't some cosmic balancing force that increases your chances of finding the one after failed attempts.

 

Dating multiple people only even helps if you learn from each one too.

 

It is a numbers/matching game.

Did you two ever break up at some point? Or was/is it a one-way street?

We never once broke up or had a break or any of that crap.

If you need to go on breaks with a person you are dating then you shouldn't be dating them. Find someone you are more compatible with.

I find that to be true too. Kudos to you for being able to maintain the love thus far.

13 years and 2 kids thus far

Maybe 1 or 2. But tens and twenties of worthy men from whom I've learned much, even if I met them just once.

None. I found my one first go. Still together almost 30 years later.

I haven't found my one yet (still in my twenties) but I've been through my share of zeros. Some are lucky and meet them at first try and others take years and years, so it's better if we focus on improving our life in general so that we can be fine weather we're with "the one" or not.

Most people have been through breakups, but how many must a person go through before finding the right person to settle down with comfortably? Or do most people fall back on a lost love to claim as their everlasting?

 

I'm curious, because statistically speaking... lots of relationships end up falling apart. Knowing this, how do you become optimistic when dating? Or is it necessary to be somewhat cynical?

I just had a thick skin and was mostly realistic. I dated on and off for 24 years before becoming the right person to find the right person -and the one for me was someone who hadn't been years earlier, go figure. I saw it as a part time job and if I hadn't wanted marriage and family 110% or more it would not have been worth all the time/effort/energy/self work etc (well the self work helps in other ways as well so I guess that wasn't just for relationships). I know of a guy who I dated who said he met 400 women many through dating sites before finding the one in his mid-late 30s. She seems lovely and they met online. I started dating my future husband (again) when we were in our late 30s and we've been together 12 years, married 9.

Nothing in life is improved by having a negative attitude. Cynicism presumes a negative outcome. Nobody forces us to date one another. Nothing to be cynical about.

The trick is to focus on your habits. What do you do that helps you get where you want to go? Do that. Trust the goal will come to you.

Most people don't find their person straight out of the barn. As hard as dating can be, saying "zeros" is not positive. Trust me, I know, I'm currently in the dating world. I thought I had found "the one" years ago when I was living with someone and I had a child with them. Then it turned out, they were not "the one". I currently started to get out there again, and have had a few dates, and yes, it's very hard. But I would never call my dates a "zero". I think you learn from every experience you go on. Yesterday a guy actually emailed me on the dating site and was very negative. I had not gotten back to him in a couple days - because I was busy with life, work, my daughter - and he took it upon himself to email me saying "I guess you're not interested." He doesn't know me, my life, etc. I don't like when people do that. Then he emailed me telling me that he figured I didn't care and that no women on this site care, and that he hasn't had any luck, and swore in the message a couple times. It was a complete turnoff. I told him he should be more positive. No matter how many times you've been let down or gotten hurt, be positive and smile to the next person. No one you just met wants to hear sob stories. They want the person that they are choosing to go on a date with to have a full life, to be fun and lively and full of life.

No one you just met wants to hear sob stories. They want the person that they are choosing to go on a date with to have a full life, to be fun and lively and full of life.

Nothing could be truer. A good attitude might not be a 100% guarantee that you'll find and "maintain" "that person" but it increases the chances a lot.

Some people bring their baggages from previous relationships to new dates. They either punish their dates/new relationships for what the previous did or they treat their dates like they are their therapists. That's no way of developing a relationship.

Many of us were and will be hurt again, but we have to keep going on.

Even if we find someone right out of the gate we can still have issues. We have had some super super hard times in our marriage and fabulous times and comfortable times.

There is no magic formula for how many frogs you have to kiss. It's best to view each relationship/dating experience as a part of your life where you learned things, had fun, etc.

Most people have been through breakups, but how many must a person go through before finding the right person to settle down with comfortably?

I don't know that I'd call them "zeroes" - I've learned something valuable from each relationship. (Mostly what I don't want, but hey...still important.) I've had a fair number of relationships over the years, and still not sure about having found a person I can spend eternity with. I've thought I did a time or two, but I turned out to be mistaken.

Most people don't find their person straight out of the barn. As hard as dating can be, saying "zeros" is not positive.

The guy that messaged you, while his pitiful message didn't help some people are just undesirable; they're chasing something that doesn't exist.

I don't date zero's personally, everyone I date or have had a relationship with has had value... whether it's helping me be a better person, or teaching me something about myself. If you are feeling discouraged, it might be time to take a break from dating. Most people don't find "the one" while they are actively looking... in every story I have ever heard, "the one" shows up in their life at the right place and the right time. Also consider keeping an open mind and looking with your heart not your mind... I think a lot of times we have a picture in our heads of what we want, dismissing anyone that doesn't exactly fit that vision, when in reality "the one" is often someone we least expect.

I have had over 30 boyfriends, and slept with 35+ men. And the man I married and had kids with was the one I dated for 4 months when I was 18, of course 14 years later from that time. And even though we are currently working out and on an issue, he's my dude, and I still would choose him over anyone else. But I truly think I wouldn't be where I am today, my sense of self, worth, needs, without having kissed a bunch of frogs, and I've had a lot of fun doing so!

I think if you stop looking at people as potential life partners, and instead really get to know them as to whether you would even be friends with them, you really get to figure out if this person is for you. And just because you two aren't a match, does not make either of you a zero. You just need to find the person with the right fit for you.

Rejection and incompatibility ends in wasted time. Zero is accurate, you're no closer to the one than before.

 

The guy that messaged you, while his pitiful message didn't help some people are just undesirable; they're chasing something that doesn't exist.

We get closer by learning as we go, and addressing ways in which we may be getting in our own way. I am for sure closer than ever before.

before becoming the right person to find the right person -and the one for me was someone who hadn't been years earlier, go figure.

Exactly this!

sorry, unless you are dating drug addicts and 50 year old men who have never moved out of mom's basement, those people that were not a match for you were not "zeros" - they were people who were probably perfectly decent but not a match for you. They probably had something going for them but they were like oil and water with you. Some people meet a lot of people before they find a good match who wants the same things and some people date only one person. It doesn't matter. Yes, online dating is a numbers game as far as if you look at how many people you write to vs how many respond and then how many turn into a date. I wouldn't count first meets that don't work out as "how many people you have to go through". a meet is not a relationship.

becoming the right person to find the right person

I think this^ was a big part of it for me. I wouldn't consider anyone I dated to be a zero, but also I wasn't necessarily looking for "The One." I'd sort of found The One in high school actually, and it scared me. I realized that there wasn't necessarily just One person out there for me. I thought that two people who wanted to make something work could make it work. And I went on from there, always being the zero in the equation because I was never ready to settle down. But then I met someone when I was in my early 30s who reminded me of what I missed in companionship. And then I saw that I'd insulated myself against 'love' for a very long time. It didn't work out with that guy, so I dated around a little and tested my limits. I discovered what I wanted and what I wouldn't settle for. And when I wasn't particularly looking for anything, another One came around. I would like to keep this One forever :)

before becoming the right person to find the right person

AH! This is so true for me too!! You nailed it.

Thanks for the plentiful responses.

I must make this clear, though; when I said "zeroes", I just meant it as a play on words (The One/zeroes). Silly, I know. Haha.

I asked this question because I'm sorta relapsing from a breakup and have yet again reminded myself how I never want to experience this kind of hurt ever again, but I eventually, perhaps in my thirties, want to be in a committed relationship again. I've only just turned 22, so there's no rush, yet I worry if I'll struggle because of my newfound skepticism. And along with that, I'm also a pretty objective person, very into my studies, value my privacy, and have a hilarious but dark humor. I've noticed that these are things that I don't usually observe in women who are taken. It makes me feel kinda bad, honestly, because I've been told the qualities I listed above along with being told I'm a "10" can be off-putting or threatening sometimes. Of course these aren't my only qualities. I love to laugh, have many hobbies, athletic, work with children, etc. However I can't help that I sometimes care too much about the dirty truths of life.

You'd think it'd be good to be smart and good-looking, but I'm still bitter from the breakup...and I fear it will jeopardize my potential for love again. I mean this with a sheer amount of modesty and sincerity. I've read that it could be harder for people like me to find love or even date, and so far it's been true. The past few months I've been genuinely happy being single, but I know I only want it to be temporary.

Congratulations to all of you who have either succeeded in love and/or self-love :)