How many zeros do you/did you have to go through before finding the One

[android123]

Why should I need to embrace it? That implies I enjoy or desire it. No, I acknowledge it.

No one has said I am dating, for me there is no point.

Nothing is above criticism, including these ridiculous ideas that there is someone for everyone.

 

If you are certain that there is no one for you, you should make the most out of it. I personally don't believe that some people are bound to be single. It may feel that way to those who are desperate, yet unwilling to try hard enough to find and meet someone, but it isn't the reality. Life is full of people you don't know and people who don't know you but who may like you and who you may like. You never know unless you step outside your comfort zone and approach someone believing you could at least get along, whether as a friend or partner.

[Batya33]

Thanks a lot :) by the way I'm a straight female, just in case you thought I was a male haha.

 

I've never thought about that change in people. How some might be more compelled to create comfort instead of confidence. I know for certain I'm the latter, but I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I suppose the more interactions I have, the more I'll learn to avoid that. Luckily I've already seen improvement in myself.

 

These insights are already helping a ton, I must say :)

 

If I understand correctly you see comfort and confidence as not coexisting? Why? In fact if people are comfortable around you and you are comfortable in your own skin, it also inspires or enhances confidence in you. It's the difference between having some sort of agenda you feel compelled to share -or jokes - as opposed to being motivated to interact with people, to listen actively without rehearsing what you want to say next. Ask yourself if you are interested -sincerely- in listening to what people have to say whether it's about a crucial truth or about the sale items they bought the day before and how it made him feel. Do you like people -do you find people interesting or do you like causes better. For example, this week I spoke with a woman in her mid 20s as a favor to someone else -she's starting out in the career I've had for almost 20 years and now is looking for a job suddenly because of downsizing. She's 25 years younger than I am and part of my advice to her had to do with my own career path and choices and twists and turns.

 

But I reminded myself -even though my story might be very interesting and she would listen and find it so, her purpose in talking to me during her commute home after a long work day was to get advice about her situation - so even though it would have been fun/interesting to me to share my story with her (and I might still if it's relevant later on and if she asks) I cut to the chase with the top things she should do right now, explained that I would email her with some contact info, etc.

 

That's one example -being other-directed despite wanting to show off your dark humor or explain how you think the world works or should work. Being in tune with others' body language, energy, etc. It doesn't mean you never get to talk/share it means your focus is on that person feeling comfortable around you and that focus dictates what you say and don't say and when you listen and when you speak. Ask yourself how often you're focused on wanting people to see your singularity as opposed to wanting to learn what makes him tick.

[Coolstorybro]

If you are certain that there is no one for you, you should make the most out of it.

How should that change anything whether there is someone for me or not?

 

I personally don't believe that some people are bound to be single. It may feel that way to those who are desperate, yet unwilling to try hard enough to find and meet someone, but it isn't the reality. Life is full of people you don't know and people who don't know you but who may like you and who you may like. You never know unless you step outside your comfort zone and approach someone believing you could at least get along, whether as a friend or partner.

Desperate yet unwilling to try hard enough? If I was desperate wouldn't it be the other way around, trying too hard? I'm not that desperate to pretend to be something I'm not.

 

I've stepped out of my comfort far enough, and learned from my past experiences that people are out for themselves. "Like" doesn't cut it, not in this scenario. People have compared dating like a job interview. There will always be someone who can offer more than you, who's not going to go for the better deal? Perhaps this is a less of an issue for women.

[catfeeder]

I've stepped out of my comfort far enough, and learned from my past experiences that people are out for themselves. "Like" doesn't cut it, not in this scenario. People have compared dating like a job interview. There will always be someone who can offer more than you, who's not going to go for the better deal? Perhaps this is a less of an issue for women.

 

Sounds like you've been stung by the teen and twenty-something scene, which is true of most of us. Adolescence doesn't end at age 18 or 21, it continues through mid-to-late 20's. Well, that's a pretty hefty time of development, and it's full of insecurities and superficiality.

 

So your perceptions of the people you've dealt with during that time are likely accurate. That doesn't mean you'll need to carry those perceptions forever into your own adulthood.

 

Most people are just not our match. We each hold unique value. As we mature into discovering our own value, we are less discouraged by those who don't 'get' us. Rejection becomes less relevant and more a function of the odds and the limits of most people's vision. That doesn't mean we won't ever stumble across someone who can view us through the right lens, it just means that as we grow more solid in self acceptance, those who don't own that capacity become less influential.

 

If you're 35, you've still got half or more of your whole life in front of you. You can opt to allow your earlier years to poison your older ones, or not. It's a decision that you can change at any time.

[Unreasonable]

Eh, 3 or 4 (if we only count after high school). Was engaged once and broke up with her before I met my wife. I got married young.

[android123]

If I understand correctly you see comfort and confidence as not coexisting? Why? In fact if people are comfortable around you and you are comfortable in your own skin, it also inspires or enhances confidence in you. It's the difference between having some sort of agenda you feel compelled to share -or jokes - as opposed to being motivated to interact with people, to listen actively without rehearsing what you want to say next. Ask yourself if you are interested -sincerely- in listening to what people have to say whether it's about a crucial truth or about the sale items they bought the day before and how it made him feel. Do you like people -do you find people interesting or do you like causes better. For example, this week I spoke with a woman in her mid 20s as a favor to someone else -she's starting out in the career I've had for almost 20 years and now is looking for a job suddenly because of downsizing. She's 25 years younger than I am and part of my advice to her had to do with my own career path and choices and twists and turns.

 

But I reminded myself -even though my story might be very interesting and she would listen and find it so, her purpose in talking to me during her commute home after a long work day was to get advice about her situation - so even though it would have been fun/interesting to me to share my story with her (and I might still if it's relevant later on and if she asks) I cut to the chase with the top things she should do right now, explained that I would email her with some contact info, etc.

 

That's one example -being other-directed despite wanting to show off your dark humor or explain how you think the world works or should work. Being in tune with others' body language, energy, etc. It doesn't mean you never get to talk/share it means your focus is on that person feeling comfortable around you and that focus dictates what you say and don't say and when you listen and when you speak. Ask yourself how often you're focused on wanting people to see your singularity as opposed to wanting to learn what makes him tick.

 

I don't think the 2 can't coexist, but some people tend to automatically put one ahead of the other most of the time. I suppose that happens when you pay attention to your own energy more than those of the people you're surrounded by. That's changing about me and I'm glad to see it :)

[Batya33]

I don't think the 2 can't coexist, but some people tend to automatically put one ahead of the other most of the time. I suppose that happens when you pay attention to your own energy more than those of the people you're surrounded by. That's changing about me and I'm glad to see it :)

 

Yes! there was a great article recently -maybe new york times? About how people who are more into focusing on how they are coming across in a convo are not as good socially (duh). I think truly confident people want others to be comfortable around them. If they don't that's not confidence, it's arrogance or self-absorbtion.

[tattoobunnie]

I'd point out how toxic it can be to listen to certain things that media puts out because they do it as manipulation tactics, but hey, sorry, it's the truth....i just thought you should know. I'm not meaning offend.

 

Sometimes you have to learn to pick your battles.

Let things go.

Be tactful.

Be open.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Recognize there are hot button topics you keep off the table when it's not mission critical to bring up.

Let people enjoy themselves and their bubble.

[Coolstorybro]

Sounds like you've been stung by the teen and twenty-something scene, which is true of most of us. Adolescence doesn't end at age 18 or 21, it continues through mid-to-late 20's. Well, that's a pretty hefty time of development, and it's full of insecurities and superficiality.

 

So your perceptions of the people you've dealt with during that time are likely accurate. That doesn't mean you'll need to carry those perceptions forever into your own adulthood.

No, it goes way beyond the 20s. Half the posts on this site prove these perceptions are pretty accurate and apply to people well into their 40s.

 

Most people are just not our match. We each hold unique value. As we mature into discovering our own value, we are less discouraged by those who don't 'get' us. Rejection becomes less relevant and more a function of the odds and the limits of most people's vision. That doesn't mean we won't ever stumble across someone who can view us through the right lens, it just means that as we grow more solid in self acceptance, those who don't own that capacity become less influential.

You can invent any value you like, however a value's actual worth is always going to be determined by demand.

 

If you're 35, you've still got half or more of your whole life in front of you. You can opt to allow your earlier years to poison your older ones, or not. It's a decision that you can change at any time.

One moment it's considered learning from experience the next it's poison.