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Thread: Is wearing makeup dis-loyal? BPD/Emotionaly unstable disorder roller coaster relationship.....

  1. #1
    SophieC

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    Is wearing makeup dis-loyal? BPD/Emotionaly unstable disorder roller coaster relationship.....

    I have a fiance with Emotionaly Unstable Personality Disorder / BPD and have had been stuck on an emotional roller coaster for the last 2 1/2 years. We have had hundreds of conversations and disagreements over everything from the clothes i wear (Usually a t-shirt that covers everything it should and a pair of skinny jeans) for being too provocative, wearing makeup at all (I used to wear it everyday and i have now not worn it in over a year to keep him happy and avoid arguments), the way i speak ( I'm apparently too happy and bubbly around people that arn't him), how trusting i am ( e.g I shouldn't ask local people i don't know for directions, i have maps on my phone), Mistakes i made before i even met him and everything to him saying he doesn't see a need for me to brush my hair daily and have a shower so I must do it for someone else(??!!). I feel like almost anything that happens or he sees me do...he has something negative to say about it, gets upset and needs hours worth of consoling to put him right.

    He is extremely sensitive and insecure and i have made many changes to try and accommodate the way he feels to the point where i barely feel like myself at all any more, I had a serious chat with him around 6 months ago and since then he tried to become less intrusive and let me get on with living, but he's slowly slipping back into his old ways but this time convinced that he is still being reasonable. Although i love him very much, he has a very different way of looking at the world that makes life alot harder than i ever thought it would need to be. I constantly feel drained, stressed out and worried. Another matter came up recently that i have no idea how to handle.....

    He came to me and told me that he thinks makeup and perfume is actually cheating and if i ever wear it again it should be with only him around because other wise i am being disloyal to him. When i asked him why he thought that he referred me to a conversation we had already had....

    We spoke a few months ago about the fact I knew he had been watching porn, I didn't tell him not to watch it but explained to him that it felt like cheating to me. It was him, looking at another woman in a sexual way and getting off on her. He wouldn't dare do that if the woman were in front of him rather than on a screen because he would call that cheating, so I didn't see the difference between doing it with and without the screen. He thought about it and came back to me saying he understood, agreed and it wouldn't happen again.

    He said that conversation had made him think about other things as cheating. He went on to explain that the makeup industry creates makeup to make woman more attractive to the opposite sex. (although I understand that this is true and lipstick and blusher for example were first used to mimic the changes in a woman's face when she becomes aroused, I have told him many times that i used to wear makeup for my own enjoyment and as a form of self expression. Even so, i don't wear it any more to keep him happy but i do miss it). He said that would mean makeup is a form of seduction, drawing men into features like my eyes and lips, so by wearing it i am seducing men and being dis-loyal. That by the process of elimination makeup really belongs in sex shops and should be something used on an intimate level between partners only. This means he is now open to me wearing makeup but only for and around him alone.

    You see, I understand his argument, i even think he may have a point and it's worth considering, but i just feel he takes these things too far. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that? Or unfair because of seeing porn as him being disloyal but not make up as me being? Is he just over stepping the mark again? I feel as though i would have never needed to ask before but i feel like he is slowly warping my own perceptions as well as his own.

    Also, what do you think of my situation? I have literally no-one to talk to at the moment and would really appreciate some points of view

    Thanks in advance!

  2. #2
    Unreasonable
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    Does that stem from some religious beliefs? How he was raised? If not, that's insane.

    He seems far too controlling, to the point of abusiveness, to be in a relationship.

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    DancingFool
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    Has he actually been officially diagnosed with that and if so, is he seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis and working on his issues?

    As for your relationship, all I see is a woman involved with an abusive, controlling man who has brainwashed her and beaten her down mentally and emotionally to the level where she thinks that the absolutely bat sh$t crazy stuff he says actually has merit. So to answer your other question, no he doesn't have a point. What he is saying is 100% nuts. I'm bewildered that you are actually engaged to this guy. Do you understand that the moment that you say "I do", things will get a million times worse for you because right now, he is still somewhat restrained because you can still dump him and walk away fast, but once married, he owns you in his mind and he can really let his inner psycho loose and he will.

    I hope you find the courage and the sense to end things and walk away. You also need to seek counseling for yourself to figure out how you got involved with someone like that, why you have stayed, and to undo all the psychological damage and brainwashing he has inflicted on you so you never ever get involved with someone like that again. You are being abused and abuse doesn't always mean that you have be beaten senseless. Psychological abuse is worse in the sense that it doesn't leave visible scars and it's much much more insidious. Of course all abuse starts with grooming the victim psychologically to accept the abuse and going by your post, you are there. Please please please do whatever it takes to get out of this.

  5. #4
    Longview01
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    This isn't him being sensitive or insecure this is him being controlling

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    glitterfingers
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    First of all, you need to leave him as soon as possible. Who wants that kind of emotional instability and subtle abuse in their life? Why would you stay in a relationship like that? I am SURE you can do better

    Secondly, was he saying this more as a point of intellectual discussion, possibly thinking that it wouldn't really affect you since you no longer wear makeup anyway? Or are you sure he was telling you outright not to wear makeup because it would be disloyal? While I think it's very important to clarify whether he is totally dictating what you can/can't do, I've also been in an abusive relationship with someone who uses very subtle tactics to control me - making fun of my outfit to get me to change into something else, telling me only certain clothes that he'd picked look good on me, telling me how to do my hair. Thing is, while it all seems like just expressing preferences, the underlying message is that he wants me to be and act a certain way to please him, and that being who I naturally/authentically am is not good enough. That is a horrible way to live, and honestly I've carried the underlying anxiety through to my future relationships - I always feel like I have to get my partner's permission/validation on certain things or he won't love me anymore.

    Nobody deserves to have to feel like that in a relationship when they're sacrificing their individuality for someone else's desires. That's not love. Love is him accepting you for who you are and who you want to be.

    Find someone who can love you.

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    Unreasonable
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    ^ Agree. I have never, EVER, heard of a situation where an abuser became less abusive after the wedding day.

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    Longview01
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    Also this guy is nuts, he is only a few steps away from locking you in a room or giving you a beating for looking at another man

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    ~Seraphim ~
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    "Unfiancee" yourself REAL fast. The guy is controlling and abusive . So before you find yourself locked in the basement for the next 23 years run away .

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    RainyCoast
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    op, first off, what's up with the porn thing? how did you get so far as to equate that with cheating? i'll let someone else elaborate on the lack of logic in that, but methinks it's not at all unrelated to the problem you're having with him so....


    can you explain WHY xou are with him, and what makes the alternative so bad in comparison that you are staying?

    not to be rude, and certainly not speaking from a high horse, but if you were all right, you wouldn't NEED this. you would be loving your life and would appreciate how far you've come far too much to want to spend a minute of your life "learning lessons this way".

    so. what's going on with you, if we completely take him out of the equation? if you can fix whatever your problem is, you won't need him to displace your frustration on to.

    and what kind of insecurity drives you to equate porn with cheating?

    imagine yourself with someone confident and trusting enough to not give you this kind of c**p, what would be the flip side of that? that you couldn't control their sex-appeal, and the technical freedom to share it with whomever? that's the kind of stuff that makes you keep choosing this e over a normal life. choosing.

    let us know if you want to think what you could do about that together.
    Last edited by RainyCoast; 08-07-2017 at 12:15 PM.

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  17. #10
    browneyedgirl36
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    Your boyfriend is, at best, awfully controlling, and at worst, potentially emotionally abusive.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you wearing makeup. All that stuff about attracting the opposite sex, being "disloyal," etc. is garbage. You wear it because you like it, and it makes you feel good. Same thing with your choice of clothing. It sounds as though this guy has taken away everything that makes you feel good about yourself -- your control over how you look, speak, and act, which are all significant parts of who you are -- and he will keep taking more and more away if you let him.

    His mental state, diagnosed or not, is no excuse. He needs to take charge of that and get better, but that's not your fault or your problem. Is he medicated? Does he go to therapy? If so, does he take his meds regularly and follow his doctor/therapist's advice? Bottom line, he has to help himself. It's not your job to fix him.

    Please, please don't stay with this guy. Whatever you're experiencing now is only going to get exponentially worse, particularly if you marry this guy. You will become a shell of your former self, and you'll be miserable. I guarantee that. Breaking free of him would allow you to be yourself again. I hope you'll decide in favor of yourself and your own happiness and peace of mind.

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