Cheated on my boyfriend whilst out of it on drink/drugs

While i ended up getting completely wrecked at a concert with a friend. We went to a club and then a party where I was way beyond my limit of what ive ever drank, and had taken an ecstacy pill. I honestly cannot remembee my night at all and I know cheaters use that as an excuse but I genuinely cannot remember anything. My friend told me in the morning that i had ended up kissing a guy at the party (no more than that) I wouldnt have even known this had she not told me and i couldnt remember the guy or what he looked like. Im completely heartbroken by my behaviour and apalled at myself, i hate cheating and i know i would never ever have done this if i wasnt completely out of control of my actions. Others have told me i could barely even speak that night. The guilt of it is eating away at me but i know it will be the end of our relationship if i tell my boyfriend as we've discussed what we do if the other cheated and he said he would end things immediately. It seems so unfair that this thing i cant even remember doing wikl cause me to lose all my friends and boyfriend over one stupid mistake. Do you think it is worth telling him or should i just learn never to get into that state again and not ruin our love. I know i will never ever cheat again. I cant stop crying about it and i just dont want to lose him because i love him so much. Please dont judge me.

this is an interesting post.

did you just kiss this guy at the party? was there any physical contact other than that?

you hate cheaters, but you aren't going to be completely honest with your boyfirend.

only you can decide whether ou should tell him.

consider this - our boyfriend did exactly the same, how would you feel if you knew?

Just kissed him and apparently sat on his knee. Im relying on what othed ppl have told me as I have no memory whatsoever. I dont know if id want him to tell me because i wouldnt want our relationship to be over i hate the act of cheating, im really ashamed of myself but I feel like i never took the conscious decision to cheat because i was so messed up i have no idea what was going through my mind

No matter what you decide to do about this, you need to promise yourself you will never get so drunk and stoned that you have no idea what you did and have to have others fill in the gaps.

Personally, I would not tell the bf about this. I also dont see a kiss as cheating. But that's just my opinion. If you'd had sex with this guy or took off all your clothes and did a table dance, that'd be different. Use this as a learning experience.

No matter what you decide to do about this, you need to promise yourself you will never get so drunk and stoned that you have no idea what you did and have to have others fill in the gaps.

 

Personally, I would not tell the bf about this. I also dont see a kiss as cheating. But that's just my opinion. If you'd had sex with this guy or took off all your clothes and did a table dance, that'd be different. Use this as a learning experience.

This ^^^.

The other thing is that you don't actually have anything to tell him, you can only report what other people have told you. Also cheating normally implies some kind of intention, which was absent in your case.

Chalk it up to experience and be more careful in future.

I would presume that your boyfriend will hear about your activities much the same way you did.

You may wish to reconsider the question of whether or not you want to tell him to whether or not you want to be the *one* to tell him, first, to better decide how you plan to proceed.

cheating normally implies some kind of intention, which was absent in your case.

Agree. It may or may not come out in the end anyway, but there's a bigger concern from my perspective.

Please don't consider this a judgement but genuine concern. In the state you were in, hardly able to speak, unable to remember, it would have been easy for someone with ill intentions to have taken advantage and gone much farther than a kiss. Your personal safety cannot depend on friends around you who are also under the influence.

In my experience, with that level of substance use, it's a matter of time before the consequences are severe. Please consider the worst case scenario before you indulge.. if it's caused you this much trouble this time, what will happen next time?

Be safe. x

Normally, in a case this relatively mild, and when the person knows they won't do it again and are serious about not engaging in situations that led to it previously, I'm all about forgiving yourself and simply carrying on. Don't drink too much and, really, with or without alcohol involved, taking ecstasy around attractive folks is rarely ever going to be conducive to fidelity. However, to piggyback off Dahl's point, given it happened publicly, you've got no control over the dissemination of the information and I'd think it best to hear it from you and not potentially someone else. Plus it would give him the agency to decide where he draws the line with "cheating."

Speaking personally, not that I'm sure I could forgive her kissing another man, I'd have a much easier time doing so knowing it was a product of drugs (alcohol included) + hot guy in the room rather than a deep underlying issue of our relationship itself.

We all make mistakes. The key is to learn from them. Best of luck.

Does he know you went out and drank and took ecstasy?

Why were you out getting high and drunk without your bf?

There is a personal safety part of all this besides the cheating aspect. I hope you know you could have been taken advantage of in your condition and even raped. Please make safer choices in the future and possibly get better friends that look after you better when you are a little tipsy.

I assume you love your bf and want to one day marry him and have a family together. Would you rather he found out now or later? Chances are he will find out one way or another and since the guilt is eating you up inside he will begin to see it in you sooner or later and start to wonder what is going on. You may think you are hiding it well but he knows you pretty well and knows you went out and will piece together the timeline of the change in you to that night sooner or later.

You have a few choices.

Live with the guilt and hope he never finds out.

Claim ignorance if he does find out and tell him yes your friend did tell you that you kissed some guy but you didn't believe her.

Tell him the whole truth, allow him to be angry, sick over it and come to terms with it and hopefully it will not permanently damage your relationship.

No matter how drunk or high you were you are responsible for your actions just like if you drove a car in that state and got in an accident.

This will not be easy no matter your choice...

Lost

I dunno, in my day when we went out stag without our boyfriends, we looked after one another and would have helped you to avoid such a quandary. If your friends were there to tell you point by point what you did, why didn't they just drag you away from the dude and keep you honest when you were in such a state?

Anyway: I'm in agreement with those that have suggested you confess rather then him hearing it from your "friends." What you did isn't all that bad in the scheme of things and you are certainly remorseful about it. If you tell him, make sure you also tell him that you'll never allow yourself to get that S-faced again and actually mean it. This could have gone really bad for you if the guy you kissed was the type to take advantage, particularly because your buddies weren't looking out for you (or so it seems).

The thing is, the chances are very low he will hear. It was just me and one friend at a party with guys we dont know very well, and who dont know my boyfriend. I totally agree i put myself in a very dangerous situation and my so called friend is nog a friend at all for not getting me out of there instead she let me pass out in a bedroom alone for a few hours to 'sober up'. I woke with no recollection of what happened although she told me she tried to stop me and I argued with her, again dont remember. Its so scary that i was a completely different person and so out of control but i have NEVER did anything like this and never plan to again. Its pretty much put me off drinking altogether. My boyfriend knows ive taken drugs and we have together in the past. One of the guys i spoke to after basically said everyone just felt really bad for me cos they could see the state i was in. Therefore I dont think it would get to my bf but im just trying to deal with shame guilt and embarrassment

Hello Hmcq,

I am not judging because I've been in a similar situation before. I got drunk at a party and ended up kissing (and only) kissing a guy other than my boyfriend at the time. It sounds like you're really guilty and if you truly would have NEVER done that sober, I would say lock it up and let it go. Since you and your boyfriend are clear on what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship, I don't think its worth telling him and having him break up with you for something you can't even remember doing. I ended up telling my boyfriend months after the fact and he was hurt but we stayed together. If I would have told him that night I'm not sure what would have happened.

and my so called friend is no[t] a friend at all for not getting me out of there instead she let me pass out in a bedroom alone for a few hours to 'sober up'. I woke with no recollection of what happened although she told me she tried to stop me and I argued with her, again dont remember.

The thing is, the chances are very low he will hear. It was just me and one friend at a party with guys we dont know very well, and who dont know my boyfriend. I totally agree i put myself in a very dangerous situation and my so called friend is nog a friend at all for not getting me out of there instead she let me pass out in a bedroom alone for a few hours to 'sober up'. I woke with no recollection of what happened although she told me she tried to stop me and I argued with her, again dont remember. Its so scary that i was a completely different person and so out of control but i have NEVER did anything like this and never plan to again. Its pretty much put me off drinking altogether. My boyfriend knows ive taken drugs and we have together in the past. One of the guys i spoke to after basically said everyone just felt really bad for me cos they could see the state i was in. Therefore I dont think it would get to my bf but im just trying to deal with shame guilt and embarrassment

Wow....bit harsh on your friend there. You have no idea what state you were in and how difficult/aggressive you were being. Your friend actually did do the best she can to ensure you at least don't get raped or something. Take responsibility for yourself here. YOU were the one who took drugs, mixed alcohol to boot and were wasted and high and out of your mind. I sincerely hope that this experience actually does put you off this kind of stuff going forward because at the end of the day, people can't protect you from yourself no matter how much they might try. You could have ended the night in ER or the morgue and nobody would be responsible for that but yourself.

^absolutely. You are responsible for your actions, as you made a conscious choice to drink to excess and to take drugs.

My boyfriend knows ive taken drugs and we have together in the past. One of the guys i spoke to after basically said everyone just felt really bad for me cos they could see the state i was in. Therefore I dont think it would get to my bf but im just trying to deal with shame guilt and embarrassment

my 2 cents worth says that somewhere when you least expect it, you'll be with your bf and will cross paths with this guy. Something will get said and your relationship will crash and burn, not because you 'cheated', but because you didn't fess up to it.

Sorry no, that did sound very harsh and i take total responsibility but apparently she was egging me on to make a complete fool of myself and at one point i asked her to go home and she gave me more alcohol so i really dont think she had my best interests. Letting me sleep was more just getting me out of the way so she could enjoy but again i agree its not her job at all so i have to keep that in mind

" I know i will never ever cheat again."

What happens next time when you get sh*tfaced? You wont remember so it technically isnt cheating?

Btw I agree with keyman, it'd be better if he finds out from you than some guy bragging about it .

Well, your friend tried to get you to stop what you were doing which is good, can't expect her to be your keeper if you fought about it with her but to give you even more booze is irresponsible at best and shame on her.

Your last post makes it seem like you're here to get permission to NOT tell him. Saying that it's unlikely that he'll find out shows that (at least to me anyway). You don't want to tell him but your guilt is niggling at you. This is a good reason to be Catholic where you could just go to your local church and take confession, say 10 hail Marys and get on with your life like nuttin happened O.o

Bottom Line: Do what your conscience tells you to do and let the chips fall, whether you tell him or not, where they may.

Under review.