How Whisper ruined my relationship

Let's just start off by saying Whisper is not at fault for ruining my relationship, I take full responsibility for my actions.

I've been with my partner for 10 months now. We were in a long distance relationship for 7 months. I moved out of state and dropped everything to be with her. It was my choice I was willing to risk it all. We have had a really good relationship. We laughed together, we went out, we stayed in, we were strong. We had a great sex life. Everything seemed to be ok. But lingering in the back of my mind was the fact that she was 50/50 on marriage. She said she didn't know if she wanted to get married. I eventually do. We talked for hours upon hours on this issue. I see her point of view but I'm having a difficult time fully understanding it.

3 weeks ago, I was feeling a disconnect for whatever reason. I told her something along the lines that it is easier to talk to strangers sometimes. And I mentioned the Whisper app (though I hadn't downloaded it yet).

One night she came home from work and said, "So who are you talking to?" Turning point here - I lied. I f***ing lied and said I wasn't talking to anyone. But I did. I downloaded the Whisper app that day and posted "That feeling when your girlfriend doesn't want to get married". One person messaged me saying "Maybe she's scared of commitment... maybe this, maybe that." I posted because I wanted reassurance, advise, and to feel not so alone. So again, I lied and said I wasn't talking to no one. I replay this in my head all the time and can't think of a good reason why I lied. I guess I was assuming that the crime of reaching out to strangers for advice was a worse crime that lying.

Then she asked to see the Whisper app. I didn't let her see it. I fought with her for 20 minutes. Finally I gave in and showed her everything. She told me that she knows that Whisper is a "cheating" app (which I completely disagree, but do understand that some people use it for hookups)

She believes that if she caught it months from now, I would have cheated on her.

But all in all, she got angry that I lied.

Still to this day, 3 weeks later, she is still upset about it. We've talked almost everyday. I realize my mistake of lying and the consequences it has on our relationship.

I was in the dog house for about a week. She now lets me sleep in the same bed. She gives me hugs every once and a while. BUT - she no longer dresses in front of me... she no longer says "I love you" or "I miss you" or calls me any pet names (which was a everyday kind of thing), obviously no sex, no cuddles, no kissing...

I have lost her trust.

And it feels like I've lost her trust for good.

I have done everything and anything I could possibly think of, read about, and talk about. I've cooked her meals, I've bought her flowers, I've bought her chocolates, and random things to make her happy. I've given her space. I've respected her boundaries. I've showed through tears upon tears that I'm truly remorseful.

I've continued to do what Ive always done. Texted her good mornings. Call her babe. Showed that I'm interested and working to better our relationship.

Now I feel like the ball is in her court and I need to relax and give her time to come around.

She went on vacation for 5 days and just got back late last night. She hugged me while I was in bed and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

Now we just have to see how things pan out.

Does anyone have any advice? How to move things along quicker? How to earn her trust back?

I mean, yeah you shouldn't have lied....but her reaction is WAY uncalled for. Unless you had messages on there that were inappropriate, I feel like her response should've been "you should've just told me you had asked people for advice instead of lying. Anyways, what movie do you wanna watch?" I cannot understand what in the world would make her this angry over something so small. If you want your privacy to vent your feelings on some app to strangers, that's your right! H*ll, this forum is the same thing?? And it's none of her business!

Does anyone have any advice? How to move things along quicker? How to earn her trust back?

The only thing that jumps out to me is the desire to `move things quicker'.

That's in an attempt to relieve your own discomfort and not considering hers.

Allow her to take all the time she needs and be respectful of that.

Sorry to hear this. Talking marriage after 10 mos is too much, too soon. It's a red flag to pressure her for marriage after 3 mos of dating locally. Did you move in with her after 7 mos of long distance?

It seems you have different goals values and poor communication, if you have to use apps to get tips about pressuring for marriage. It sounds like it's just not working.

I've been with my partner for 10 months now. We were in a long distance relationship for 7 months. I moved out of state and dropped everything to be with her. She said she didn't know if she wanted to get married.

One night she came home from work and said, "So who are you talking to?" Then she asked to see the Whisper app. I didn't let her see it. she got angry that I lied. no sex, no cuddles, no kissing.. How to move things along quicker? How to earn her trust back?

Agreed with Indea. And, really, it's hard to say you even flat out lied. I've never considered posting on here to be "talking" to people.

It's interesting that rather than addressing any of the content you actually wrote, she fell back on the fact you simply had the app at all, which she obviously didn't need to go through your messages at all if that's what she wanted to go off about. Basically, she ****ed up, imposed herself on your privacy, only for there to be nothing incriminating to hit you with. Now she's overcompensating to maintain her position atop the pedestal. Your biggest mistake in this isn't the potential lying, it's playing into her bull****.

Naw. No more candies and roses. Unless it's actually her bed and her house, she's not "letting" you sleep in the same bed. Stop playing this game. She's not a goddess, so drop the "I'm not worthy" crap. If she really thinks this is a big deal, let her choose whether to stay or go and let that be that.

I wouldn't worry about it. I did the same thing to my husband and he forgave me. But I am in a married institution and there is a deeper bond and more trust to begin with then just being in a relationship with someone. It depends how deep your love goes and how much you have vested in the relationship.

Right? I was thinking that she was over-reacting too. I didn't have any inappropriate conversations on there. I literally had nothing to hide. And still don't. It's the fact that I lied straight to her face - and she said I didn't even hesitate. So now she questions everything about me. Like what else have I been lying to her about. The answer is nothing.

I went to some spirituality meetups when she went on vacation. And she questions if that was really true. She even mentioned "These could be sex meetups and I wouldn't have a clue"

It's like she has forgotten who I am. This lie has turned into something I would have never imagined. Oy vey.

Talking about marriage is important. If it something you ultimately want in a relationship it should eventually be brought up. I'm not pressuring her in any sort of way. I'm merely trying to understand why there is a hesitation to get married. That's all

Talking about marriage is important. If it something you ultimately want in a relationship it should eventually be brought up. I'm not pressuring her in any sort of way. I'm merely trying to understand why there is a hesitation to get married. That's all

You haven't even been together a year, and you are talking marriage! Why the rush?????

You lied, and I don't get why?! Did she see your conversations?

Why did you lie?

Were you trying to avoid a fight?

I think you should tell her the truth. That you felt a little lost and just needing a sounding board. And tell her what you wrote. the relationship won't survive in its current state. If you own up, she may decide its no big deal and you move forward or maybe it was you sabotaging it by lying so you didn't have to breakup with her yourself.

Sorry to hear this. Talking marriage after 10 mos is too much, too soon. It's a red flag to pressure her for marriage after 3 mos of dating locally. Did you move in with her after 7 mos of long distance?

 

It seems you have different goals values and poor communication, if you have to use apps to get tips about pressuring for marriage. It sounds like it's just not working.

Actually, we talked about marriage after the fourth date. More of a "do you see yourself remarrying/are you open to the idea/what do you ultimately want in life" versus US getting married because neither of us wanted to waste our time if the other party didn't want to ever marry. He is not out of line to be concerned if his girlfriend doesn't see herself ever married. But really, they should have discussed some of this before making the big move - there should have been more visits before a move and there should have been a discussion about goals, if they each want kids, marriage - in GENERAL.

Yeah, again, unless we're talking him trying to get her to state whether she wants to marry him rather than whether she wants to marry in general, I don't think it's the most inappropriate topic on earth to bring up 8 months in. I mean considering it wasn't long ago a guy came in asking whether it was appropriate to bring up asking if it was appropriate to ask whether someone intends on buying a house on a first date for reasons of long-term compatibility and there was a ton of support behind the idea, I think enough time has elapsed here to get a general understanding other long-term goals a partner might have or not have.

I also don't think he's lying for not saying he was "talking to someone" when he was doing what was pretty much the equivalent of anonymous facebook status and comment posting.

You haven't even been together a year, and you are talking marriage! Why the rush?????

 

You lied, and I don't get why?! Did she see your conversations?

We were just talking about marriage. There was no rush at all. I lied and I don't understand why... And I remember seeing something about using a hookup app for conversations? I did not know Whisper was a hook-up app. I was naive and thought it was an app to post insecurities and s*** nobody wants to say.

If you own up, she may decide its no big deal and you move forward or maybe it was you sabotaging it by lying so you didn't have to breakup with her yourself.

 

 

 

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I did own up. I showed her EVERYTHING. I gave her my phone and said "go through my texts, go through my Facebook, go through whatever you need." But of course she doesn't look into my phone.

Still, she doesn't trust me because I lied in the first place.

Agree. It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg for a multitude of other things. Including not knowing each other well, "dropping everything to move" and basic distrust because of jumping to move in with her without knowing her well enough.. really, they should have discussed some of this before making the big move - there should have been more visits before a move and there should have been a discussion about goals, if they each want kids, marriage - in GENERAL.

You really don't understand why you lied??

Sorry, not buying.

I think you lied to avoid an argument.

I think it's Ok to talk about marriage as an abstract concept Wiseman2. If there is an incompatibility there (and it seems as if there is) then isn't it better to find out before you've been together for years?

She is definitely overreacting, and I think it was a bit of a stretch for her to invade your privacy like that - though you also messed up in acting suspicious. But I think the real issue is the incompatibility and the distance you already felt due to your possible differences of opinion on marriage and your insecurity about the future of the relationship. Some of which may be more your issue than hers, as you are pretty early in transitioning from the long distance to in person relationship.

Stop talking about the whisper and your "lies" and trying to find a way for her to let you in again, and start talking about the real issues.

 

I think you lied to avoid an argument.

I didn't want her to be upset that I was talking to someone I didn't know about personal matters... which I know I'm doing now.

I think she blew it out of proportion, but I would have a huge issue with the lying. Usually, when there is one lie, there are many more.

See, people always say they lied to "protect" the other person from getting hurt, but it's really that they don't want the other person to get mad at them. So they lie to protect themselves, not the other person.

I know there are a lot of people who believe "Well, if he lies about little things, how do I know he doesn't lie about big things? He's obviously fine with lying to me, so how can I ever trust him again?" Apparently she's one of them.

Instead of looking for a "quick" resolution, how about you let her recover from this in her own time? Yes, it may take weeks or even months, but this has to be about HER comfort level, not yours.

And while I think what you did wasn't that big of a deal (other than the lying, which I see as being on level with a four year old lying about taking cookies out of the jar), it's not up to me or you to decide what she thinks is a big deal. So, if you want to stay in this relationship, the only thing you can do is let her have her time to work this out in her own head.

And stop with the gifts! She may see them as bribes, which comes across as dishonest. Just be your normal self.

 

I know there are a lot of people who believe "Well, if he lies about little things, how do I know he doesn't lie about big things? He's obviously fine with lying to me, so how can I ever trust him again?" Apparently she's one of them.

 

Instead of looking for a "quick" resolution, how about you let her recover from this in her own time? Yes, it may take weeks or even months, but this has to be about HER comfort level, not yours.

 

And stop with the gifts! She may see them as bribes, which comes across as dishonest. Just be your normal self.

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you

Is she still in the closet about gay marriage? Did you find a job there or did you move in with her and feel beholden to her?

Whisper is not marketed as a dating or hookup or even friendship app. Why did you hide it? Her globalizing the distrust points to bigger underlying issues.

I lied and I don't understand why... And I remember seeing something about using a hookup app for conversations? I did not know Whisper was a hook-up app.

"Whisper is a proprietary iOS and Android mobile app available without charge, which says that it allows users to send messages anonymously, and to receive replies. Users post messages, known as "whispers," which are displayed as text superimposed over an image automatically retrieved from Whisper's own search engine or uploaded by the user. The app, launched in March 2012, is the main product of the media company WhisperText LLC, which was co-founded by CEO Michael Heyward, the son of the entertainment executive Andy Heyward and Brad Brooks, who is the CEO of mobile messaging service TigerText. According to TechCrunch, as of March 2017, Whisper has a total of 17 billion monthly pageviews on its mobile and desktop websites, social channels and publisher network, with 250 million monthly users across 187 countries"

Is she still in the closet about gay marriage? Did you find a job there or did you move in with her and feel beholden to her?

 

Whisper is not marketed as a dating or hookup or even friendship app. Why did you hide it? Her globalizing the distrust points to bigger underlying issues.

 

"Whisper is a proprietary iOS and Android mobile app available without charge, which says that it allows users to send messages anonymously, and to receive replies. Users post messages, known as "whispers," which are displayed as text superimposed over an image automatically retrieved from Whisper's own search engine or uploaded by the user. The app, launched in March 2012, is the main product of the media company WhisperText LLC, which was co-founded by CEO Michael Heyward, the son of the entertainment executive Andy Heyward and Brad Brooks, who is the CEO of mobile messaging service TigerText. According to TechCrunch, as of March 2017, Whisper has a total of 17 billion monthly pageviews on its mobile and desktop websites, social channels and publisher network, with 250 million monthly users across 187 countries"

Fact is your girlfriend is insecure, a drama queen, and has successfully gaslighted you.

Do better for yourself.

Is she still in the closet about gay marriage? Did you find a job there or did you move in with her and feel beholden to her?

 

Whisper is not marketed as a dating or hookup or even friendship app. Why did you hide it? Her globalizing the distrust points to bigger underlying issues.

 

No, she is not in the closet what-so-ever, neither am I, obviously. I did find a job here. There is a lot more opportunities in my career field, BUT if I'm being honest with myself, I did move to be closer to her. I didn't feel like I had to. I wasn't pressured to. I sat down and really thought about how much time I spend in my comfort zone. I wanted a change in life in general.

She saw a review saying that Whisper is used for cheating. In reality, yes, people do use it for that purpose. But my intentions were good. I hid it because I did not want to start an argument how I went to a stranger for relationship advice, HEY, like what I'm doing now. But if she asks questions about this thread, I will be willing to be transparent with her and show her, even if this makes her upset. I've learned my lesson... or shall I say lessons.