Facing a break up after finding a letter my BF wrote to his ex...

My boyfriend and I recently reconnected but I think we may be breaking up for good after I found a letter he wrote to the girl he dated while we weren't together. Here's the whole story:

We were together for almost two years but broke up in October 2014. After we broke up a lot of things happened, we tried getting back together but it never worked out and I eventually moved to another city. For months we remained in contact and kept talking about the possibility of getting together again if I moved back. I told him I would come see him in August 2015 and we both agreed that we would talk in person to see if we could work things out. I was hopeful that we could.

But by the time August came he had just started seeing someone else. When I visited him as planned he told me that he wanted to put what we had in the past and wanted to see where things went with this new girl of his. I was absolutely heartbroken but we agreed to be friends and he assured me this wasn't goodbye. Sometime later I reached out to him again and he told me that he had made things official between him and the new girl. Over the next months I received less messages from him until they stopped completely. For Christmas I sent him a present but heard nothing from him. Not even a thank you text. I tried calling on New Year's Eve and sent him a happy new year text but he didn't reply to either. After everything we'd been through and everything he'd promised I was devastated that he could just block me out of his life like this.

In February of this year I moved back to the city and wanted to see him in person so we could talk and get closure. I tried calling him multiple times but he never responded. I ended up sending him a long message to say goodbye as I figured he didn't want me in his life anymore. A few days later he called me and apologised for shutting me out. He said this wasn't goodbye, but that he had a girlfriend now and didn't want to cause any conflict with her by talking to me. I asked to see him and he said he didn't know if it was a good idea. Eventually he agreed to meeting up to talk but on the night we were supposed to see each other he cancelled at the last minute because his new girlfriend didn't feel comfortable with it.

In June of this year I tried reaching out again and to my surprise I found out that he and his new girlfriend had broken up a couple of weeks earlier. We began messaging, a lot was said, many tears, and we ended up getting back together. But this past month he started acting moody, distancing himself and I knew something was up. He admitted that he dropped a letter off at his ex's house. I broke down and asked what was in the letter. He just said that the way they ended things wasn't fair to her and he had to apologise for the way he treated her.

The next day while on his computer I found a copy of the letter I presume he wrote to his ex. It was very long and MORE than just an apology. He called her the most beautiful woman ever, went on about how amazing she is and how no one can ever stand up to her. He reminised about their time together and mentioned she was his best friend, the only person who understood him and he realises that now more than ever. He wrote that he still thinks about her all the time and that their relationship was more than just "wild sexual desires", it was a "passionate friendship that was one of a kind". He also wrote that he regrets not communicating with her more, especially on the night they broke up and wished he never reacted the way he did. He said that he was at his lowest when they broke up and made a lot of stupid decisions that he regrets. In the letter he also says that he will be here for her, regardless of time or need and that she has it in writing so she has no excuses not to contact him.

Last night I questioned him about the letter again. He didn't want to talk about it and said that he just wanted to go to sleep. In the end I asked him if she had replied. He said no. I then asked him if he sent the letter hoping for a reply. He said yes. I lost it and told him that I found a copy of the letter on his computer and he got angry and said I shouldn't have read it. I said he shouldn't have written it. I told him I was going home instead of staying the night and I haven't heard from him all day. I'm panicking... I thought I finally had him in my life again after so long of not being together and it's already falling apart...

well this is a tough situation and it seems as if you love him so much. i apologize that you are going through this.

well lets start with this, it could go either way!

be happy that he was honest with you and told you about the letter in the first place, secondly he obviously has intentions of rekindling something with this girl if you want the honest truth. you do not SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO A CASUAL FLING ! sorry if this hurts but i always believe the harsh truth always enables healing. if he was serious about you, there wouldnt be a letter. irrespective of him writing it when you and him were not together. being shady gets people no where in a relationship. you need to ask him if he still has feelings for this girl and be prepared for the harsh truth, as he considered her way before when you wanted to meet up with him and he said no not to cause any conflict with her, he should also consider your feelings and cut contact. would he like you to contact your ex and say such things to him??DEFINITELY NOT!!!!!!!!!

so before you grovel or plead for attention sit and think about this you are a beautiful independent woman, a man being in your life is a bonus. he cant ignore you for his wrong doings thats just wrong to be honest. be straight and ask him what is he doing and what his problem is. dont feel sad and wait around when you gave him no reason to be ignored. in the first place he wasnt suppose to write that letter, and maybe he feels like you invaded his privacy by reading it aswell but in the first place he didnt want to talk to you about it when you asked about it, that letter wasnt suppose to be written period. hang in there and take it easy. call him, if he doesnt reach out then you ask him for the straight forward truth as to what his actual problem is. if he is hung up on her which he probably is. then i guess you are wasting your time

I just got a warning for having multiple accounts - if a moderator sees this please note that when I signed up I accidentally used the wrong email (hotmail not yahoo) so I had to create another account using the right email in order to activiate it and be able to post on the forums. This is the only account I have ever used on this site!

be happy that he was honest with you and told you about the letter in the first place, secondly he obviously has intentions of rekindling something with this girl if you want the honest truth. you do not SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO A CASUAL FLING ! sorry if this hurts but i always believe the harsh truth always enables healing. if he was serious about you, there wouldnt be a letter. irrespective of him writing it when you and him were not together. being shady gets people no where in a relationship. you need to ask him if he still has feelings for this girl and be prepared for the harsh truth, as he considered her way before when you wanted to meet up with him and he said no not to cause any conflict with her, he should also consider your feelings and cut contact. would he like you to contact your ex and say such things to him??DEFINITELY NOT!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the advice. I am panicking because it has taken so long for us to be able to be together again and then to have this happened is all too much for me to handle. I guess I never anticipated him to have such strong feelings for this girl, all this time I thought she was just a rebound but having read the letter it seems like it was so much more than that. He actually fell in love with this girl. Maybe I was the rebound? My gut instinct is telling me that he still has feelings for her and possibly regrets us getting back together.

I'm sorry, but you caught this guy back on the rebound. He does not feel the same about you that he does his current ex and likely never did. It's time to let him go and find someone who thinks you are the most beautiful girl in the world. He's still grieving for his ex, and your constant trying to contact him simply became a way for him to soothe his wounds.

It's time to put yourself first, get into therapy if you can't let go of this guy, and start working out why you keep pursuing someone who is clearly just not that interested in you except as a backup.

And yes, he should have written that letter to his ex. It's two weeks since they broke up, way too soon for you to have been in the picture at all if ever.

You need to pull this guy off his pedestal and start to really examine why you're so willing to abdicate everything in your life, which you should be responsible for in favor of just having to have someone so clearly not that into you tossing you crumbs. And I'm being harsh, but you need to wake up, because it is very clear you have already wasted two years of your life on this guy and you need to stop that and go get a life that does not involve anything to do with him.

He should be out of contact with you, if he's smart and at all a decent sort, he'll realize he was seriously messing you about when he is not over her and he'll go NC.

I suggest you do the same and like I said if you can't let go, therapy is a really good place to start examining why that is. And no, it's not love at this point, more like obsession. I'm sorry for not sugarcoating it, but I don't think anyone will be doing you any favors by not giving you a straight talk about this.

My boyfriend and I recently reconnected but I think we may be breaking up for good after I found a letter he wrote to the girl he dated while we weren't together. Here's the whole story:

 

We were together for almost two years but broke up in October 2014. After we broke up a lot of things happened, we tried getting back together but it never worked out and I eventually moved to another city. For months we remained in contact and kept talking about the possibility of getting together again if I moved back. I told him I would come see him in August 2015 and we both agreed that we would talk in person to see if we could work things out. I was hopeful that we could.

 

But by the time August came he had just started seeing someone else. When I visited him as planned he told me that he wanted to put what we had in the past and wanted to see where things went with this new girl of his. I was absolutely heartbroken but we agreed to be friends and he assured me this wasn't goodbye. Sometime later I reached out to him again and he told me that he had made things official between him and the new girl. Over the next months I received less messages from him until they stopped completely. For Christmas I sent him a present but heard nothing from him. Not even a thank you text. I tried calling on New Year's Eve and sent him a happy new year text but he didn't reply to either. After everything we'd been through and everything he'd promised I was devastated that he could just block me out of his life like this.

 

In February of this year I moved back to the city and wanted to see him in person so we could talk and get closure. I tried calling him multiple times but he never responded. I ended up sending him a long message to say goodbye as I figured he didn't want me in his life anymore. A few days later he called me and apologised for shutting me out. He said this wasn't goodbye, but that he had a girlfriend now and didn't want to cause any conflict with her by talking to me. I asked to see him and he said he didn't know if it was a good idea. Eventually he agreed to meeting up to talk but on the night we were supposed to see each other he cancelled at the last minute because his new girlfriend didn't feel comfortable with it.

 

In June of this year I tried reaching out again and to my surprise I found out that he and his new girlfriend had broken up a couple of weeks earlier. We began messaging, a lot was said, many tears, and we ended up getting back together. But this past month he started acting moody, distancing himself and I knew something was up. He admitted that he dropped a letter off at his ex's house. I broke down and asked what was in the letter. He just said that the way they ended things wasn't fair to her and he had to apologise for the way he treated her.

 

The next day while on his computer I found a copy of the letter I presume he wrote to his ex. It was very long and MORE than just an apology. He called her the most beautiful woman ever, went on about how amazing she is and how no one can ever stand up to her. He reminised about their time together and mentioned she was his best friend, the only person who understood him and he realises that now more than ever. He wrote that he still thinks about her all the time and that their relationship was more than just "wild sexual desires", it was a "passionate friendship that was one of a kind". He also wrote that he regrets not communicating with her more, especially on the night they broke up and wished he never reacted the way he did. He said that he was at his lowest when they broke up and made a lot of stupid decisions that he regrets. In the letter he also says that he will be here for her, regardless of time or need and that she has it in writing so she has no excuses not to contact him.

 

Last night I questioned him about the letter again. He didn't want to talk about it and said that he just wanted to go to sleep. In the end I asked him if she had replied. He said no. I then asked him if he sent the letter hoping for a reply. He said yes. I lost it and told him that I found a copy of the letter on his computer and he got angry and said I shouldn't have read it. I said he shouldn't have written it. I told him I was going home instead of staying the night and I haven't heard from him all day. I'm panicking... I thought I finally had him in my life again after so long of not being together and it's already falling apart...

Everything I highlighted in red are all the red flags you should have heeded, because they tell you everything you need to know. Not only is he on the rebound and using you for the purpose, but he has never been into you, as it is painfully obvious from your post.

You did all the chasing - ALL of it, despite the fact that he never gave you reasons to believe he returned your feelings (empty words don't count). Never, ever do this again. Relationships that are meant to be are not this difficult, and you would never have to do all this chasing. Because you did it, this guy will forever take you for granted, as it is obvious to me he is just settling for you for the time being (because you made yourself readily available despite him treating you poorly) but the second he meets someone else or that girl hints to wanting him back, he will drop you without a second thought.

I know you won't take my advice, but I'll give it to you anyway: stop jumping through hoops and accepting being #2 (or #3,4..). End this thing now, and save at least a small portion of your pride, don't wait until he drops you because you will feel much worse and used.

There is nothing to be saved here, you were never this guy's first priority and this won't ever change.

Everything I highlighted in red are all the red flags you should have heeded, because they tell you everything you need to know. Not only is he on the rebound and using you for the purpose, but he has never been into you, as it is painfully obvious from your post.

You did all the chasing - ALL of it, despite the fact that he never gave you reasons to believe he returned your feelings (empty words don't count). Never, ever do this again.

What I didn't include was all the times he pursued me from the time we broke up in October 2014 to just before he met the other girl in August 2015. That's almost a year and adds up to countless times he lead me to believe he wanted a future with me. He was devastated when I moved to another city. He was upset when I didn't visit him for his birthday in March. He only moved on because I pushed him away so many times because I was scared of getting hurt again. Then I realised I shouldn't be scared when it was too late and he'd already met this new girl and started pursuing things with her.

I don't understand why he had such strong feelings for this girl. They weren't together for even a year.

The next day while on his computer I found a copy of the letter

I'm sorry, luv that ^^ that is harsh but it is exactly what transpired. Then, not only that, you **** tested him and set him up to fail when you asked him about the letter. Did you honestly expect him to tell you what was in a private meassage he sent someone else. If he had half a brain he'd know that you wouldn't take the contents calmly or rationally or with common sense so he tried his best to save YOU and himself the hassle.

You two are not meant to be life mates, the very fact you keep starting and stopping the relationship is evidence. Just do the self-respectful thing now and leave him be so that you can rehab from your attachment to him, find someone who you will make a better partner to and he to you and put this chapter of your life to bed. You'll be happy you did when you have reached the stage of indifference to him and you're open enough in heart and mind to find the guy you will be happy and not breaking up with and trying to get back.

Don't get me wrong, I empathize with your pain but you have some lessons to learn here (hope you can see them) which will only help you to be that much more dating savvy in your future.

What I didn't include was all the times he pursued me from the time we broke up in October 2014 to just before he met the other girl in August 2015. That's almost a year and adds up to countless times he lead me to believe he wanted a future with me. He was devastated when I moved to another city. He was upset when I didn't visit him for his birthday in March. He only moved on because I pushed him away so many times because I was scared of getting hurt again. Then I realised I shouldn't be scared when it was too late and he'd already met this new girl and started pursuing things with her.

That was before he met someone new. Once he did that, you should have backed off and accepted (for your own self-respect) that the relationship was over. You should have let him come to you again (if ever) and you should have been doing the work you need to do to get over him and if he called again you could have decided then if you wanted a do over with him. (wouldn't recommend it due to the very history of your union).

You'll feel better in time but not unless you accept that what you did wasn't in your best interest.

I don't understand why he had such strong feelings for this girl. They weren't together for even a year.

Be well.

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not over her/done with her. he regrets breaking up with her and is most likely awaiting a reply to this, so you may want to brace yourself . Also his mind is on her so that will affect the quality of your relationship.

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" it will give you insight into this relationship and why continually trying to get back with him just isn't working.

He wrote that he still thinks about her all the time and that their relationship was more than just "wild sexual desires", it was a "passionate friendship that was one of a kind". He also wrote that he regrets not communicating with her more, especially on the night they broke up and wished he never reacted the way he did.

And just how much snooping and invading of his privacy did it take you to find that copy? You interloped in on his relationship to the point that you even sent him a Christmas present and YOU are upset that he sent a letter to a girl that he didn't do anything wrong with who blames him for things out of his control ~ that being you and your insistence on interloping in their life. (or trying to).

I sent him a present because he had been a big part of my life and we had agreed to be friends. What I don't understand that if he truly didn't want me around then why would he break his silence by calling me after I sent him that goodbye text? If he felt like I was interloping on his relationship and didn't want me around because of it, then he should have continued to ignore me, not turn around and tell me that he will always care for me and that this isn't goodbye.

I only found the letter because I was retrieving photos and saw the file sitting there in plain sight. Sorry I don't mean to get defensive but finding the letter didn't involve much snooping at all. I know it was wrong to read it but it was also wrong of him to write it.

It sounds like this isn't going to end well for you unfortunately. I hate to be so upfront but his heart still belongs to her. You need to find somebody who can give you their whole heart. I think he should have been more upfront about his feelings for her to you, but you went behind his back and read the letter.

To him that is invading his personal space he has every right to be angry.

I think that you need to move on because you can't make it work with someone with only one foot in the relationship.

Best of luck,

Lisa

Unfortunately it sounds like he's not over her/done with her. he regrets breaking up with her and is most likely awaiting a reply to this, so you may want to brace yourself . Also his mind is on her so that will affect the quality of your relationship.

 

Read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" it will give you insight into this relationship and why continually trying to get back with him just isn't working.

I don't think she will reply to him. He doesn't seem to think so either. Apparently just before he and I got back together, she was wanting to give their relationship another chance and he said there was no point. That's what he told me. And he said she would definitely have found out that we are back together because she would have seen it on Facebook. Also, a big part of the reason they broke up was because of his relationship with me and the contact we had. She apparently didn't understand why he wanted to keep me in his life and was really uncomfortable with it. The night we almost met up caused a lot of problems for them.

Funnily enough I already have that book. I read it after the first time we broke up.

It sounds like this isn't going to end well for you unfortunately. I hate to be so upfront but his heart still belongs to her. You need to find somebody who can give you their whole heart. I think he should have been more upfront about his feelings for her to you, but you went behind his back and read the letter.

But he says he still loves me.

Perhaps he needs to be on his own for a while and work out what he really wants.

Interesting you've already looked into the book? Maybe you've had some doubts before. All of this is hearsay from him and you really don't know what she is actually thinking, feeling or will do.

I don't think she will reply to him. she was wanting to give their relationship another chance and he said there was no point. he said she would definitely have found out that we are back together because she would have seen it on Facebook She apparently didn't understand why he wanted to keep me in his life and was really uncomfortable with it.

It seems that you are being defensive and most likely not listening to anything anyone has said here. You in denial big time. From his point of view, he has two women. One he calls a friend and one he calls the best girlfriend he ever had. And you sit there thinking he loves you? I don't see that at all. You seemed to not want to face the fact that he isn't into you at all! You seem to not even care that he loves her, because you think he will pick you.

Totally wrong thinking. He moved on, fell in love and you kept poking him with messages, presents. You seemed to not get the hint that he was happy with his girlfriend and trying to make that work. You didn't even consider that they might of been serious and really in love. You caused them to break up. If I were her, I would of left him too. I would not of liked the fact that you were contacting him so much and sending gifts. In reality that seems like a desperate move from a very needy person. He didn't thank you? Wow, thats a shock. If a X did that to me, I would of thrown it away. I really don't want gifts from anyone I used to date. Its over, leave the past in the past.

She apparently didn't understand why he wanted to keep me in his life and was really uncomfortable with it. The night we almost met up caused a lot of problems for them.

I don't buy for a second you were sending gifts and attempting contact well after he stopped reciprocating because you really wanted a fwiend.

Not a whole lot of sympathy to go around in this scenario. Not that I think karma is a thing, but this does seem like a "what goes around, comes around" situation. I think you've been disrespectful to him both in regard to his boundaries with his previous girlfriend and his privacy by helping yourself to his documents. Now it seems he's checked out, whether he ever actually checked back in or not.

Yes, it's highly likely you're a rebound, but I think people are giving too much credence to that letter. It's not uncommon at all to apotheosize a recent ex, and it doesn't suggest he's being disingenuous toward you for having done so in writing that letter.

It seems that you are being defensive and most likely not listening to anything anyone has said here. You in denial big time. From his point of view, he has two women. One he calls a friend and one he calls the best girlfriend he ever had. And you sit there thinking he loves you? I don't see that at all. You seemed to not want to face the fact that he isn't into you at all! You seem to not even care that he loves her, because you think he will pick you.

 

Totally wrong thinking. He moved on, fell in love and you kept poking him with messages, presents. You seemed to not get the hint that he was happy with his girlfriend and trying to make that work. You didn't even consider that they might of been serious and really in love. You caused them to break up. If I were her, I would of left him too. I would not of liked the fact that you were contacting him so much and sending gifts. In reality that seems like a desperate move from a very needy person. He didn't thank you? Wow, thats a shock. If a X did that to me, I would of thrown it away. I really don't want gifts from anyone I used to date. Its over, leave the past in the past.

I'm not in denial, I recognise that what he wrote in the letter indicates that he still harbours feelings for her. Whether they are stronger than the feelings he has for me, I don't know and that's what I'm afraid of. That's what I'm trying to figure out. But if he was truly happy with his girlfriend they wouldn't have broken up and I certainly didn't cause their break up. The contact between us may have contributed to it but if she had a problem with that, that's her insecurity and not my problem.

Did he ever write anything like that to you?

Whether they are stronger than the feelings he has for me, I don't know and that's what I'm afraid of. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Yes, it's highly likely you're a rebound, but I think people are giving too much credence to that letter. It's not uncommon at all to apotheosize a recent ex, and it doesn't suggest he's being disingenuous toward you for having done so in writing that letter.

It has been three months since they broke up so I guess it puzzles me why he is feeling this way now. I figure if he was to have doubts about their break up it would have been closer to when it happened, not after three months after and with absolutely no contact between them. The letter wouldn't bother me so much if it was a simple apology clearly written to relieve his guilt for hurting her, but to go on and write about how beautiful she is, how no other woman will ever stand up to her, how what they had was on another level... it's extremely hurtful and upsetting to me. Words can't even describe how much that hurts. How does he think that is supposed to make me feel? Fancy having a boyfriend that idolises some girl he went out with for 8-9 months... it makes me sick.

Did he ever write anything like that to you?

In the past, yes. But that was before she came into the picture.

So you are officially off the pedestal now and she's taken your place?

In the past, yes. But that was before she came into the picture.

This isn't going to work. You've read his words to her..you now know how much he truly does love her. You won't be able to let it go and move past it. How can you?

You did chase him and the girlfriend resented you for it and now he is heartsick over her gone despite you being back. That should speak volumes to you..no??

The letter wouldn't bother me so much if it was a simple apology clearly written to relieve his guilt for hurting her, but to go on and write about how beautiful she is, how no other woman will ever stand up to her, how what they had was on another level... it's extremely hurtful and upsetting to me. Words can't even describe how much that hurts. How does he think that is supposed to make me feel? Fancy having a boyfriend that idolises some girl he went out with for 8-9 months... it makes me sick.

^

Yet, you continue to fight for this guy. You've taught him that when the chips are down, you're a fill in for the role of a temporary distraction.

You're better off setting your standards at a higher level, as well as re-gaining your self respect.

But if he was truly happy with his girlfriend they wouldn't have broken up

The contact between us may have contributed to it but if she had a problem with that, that's her insecurity and not my problem.

Fancy having a boyfriend that idolises some girl he went out with for 8-9 months... it makes me sick.

If she does what you did, he'll be jumping at the chance to have a re-do with her. He's not ready to be in anything steady with anyone until he learns to quit the recycle habit.

Thanks for the advice. I am panicking because it has taken so long for us to be able to be together again and then to have this happened is all too much for me to handle. I guess I never anticipated him to have such strong feelings for this girl, all this time I thought she was just a rebound but having read the letter it seems like it was so much more than that. He actually fell in love with this girl. Maybe I was the rebound? My gut instinct is telling me that he still has feelings for her and possibly regrets us getting back together.

He has admitted to this. No need to question it - In plain English you saw it with your own eyes.

No one will ever accuse you of not being persistent, that’s for sure. He didn’t come looking for you when he broke up with the woman. You were so happy that finally he picked up the phone..finally he was free, and wanted him back even though he was freshly broken up. He was in a fragile state of mind; you set yourself up to be the fall-back girl. You were persistent and you finally got what you wanted, but it turns out you have him in body only. Three months’ time seems just about right for some of the new relationship euphoria to lift. The attempt at blocking/ignoring his feelings for her is failing and he had to get it out of his system. You’re upset because it wasn’t written in a way that makes you comfortable…yes he could have written it your way but it doesn’t change the fact that what he wrote is how he feels about her.

Let’s say he does make contact. You want to be with him, and it seems there is no circumstance under which you would not try to resurrect the relationship. But you’re not going to forget about that letter...for a very long time, if ever. To top it off he admitted that he wishes she had responded! Why would you even consider staying in this relationship now?

I wonder what your reaction would have been if during these past few months she had been blowing up his phone with messages and calls? I bet you would not have it, you'd think that was so disrespectful!

Very convenient that you stumbled upon the letter the very next day. Remember how you insisted that you meet and get closure (while he was in a relationship)? Well, that’s what that letter was to him. Your persistence did pay off, but it seems that it has now backfired on you. You wanted him in any condition, by any means necessary. I wonder, if he continues with the silence how long it will take you to start calling and texting him again. You can’t un-see what you read, right there in plain English while he is *with* you he has given this girl top honors. I would suggest letting him go, but I have a feeling you’re not going to accept that. He must be really awesome.