Facing a break up after finding a letter my BF wrote to his ex...

[eucalypts]

This isn't going to work. You've read his words to her..you now know how much he truly does love her. You won't be able to let it go and move past it. How can you?

You did chase him and the girlfriend resented you for it and now he is heartsick over her gone despite you being back. That should speak volumes to you..no??

 

It does speak volumes, that's why I'm on here for advice on the situation.

 

Do you know what a romantic relationship boundary is? How would you feel if you were her and some desperate chickie kept interloping in on your relationship with him? Contacting him even when he didn't respond and kept at it until he relented (likely just to get you to stop yourself from continuing on in your pursuit.) Had he come here before contacting you to tell you those platitudes we would have warned him to keep ignoring you.

 

She knew that I wanted to only be friends with him but she was so threatened by that and let it destroy their relationship. I don't believe I crossed any boundaries.

 

Another thought: in the letter he did say that it wasn't an attempt to crawl his way back into her life, but that it was his way of dealing with his "demons" and giving her what he should have given her while they were still together. He said he hopes it gives her the closure she needed. So maybe this was his way of trying to relieve his guilt and not neccesarily an attempt at getting back together? Is this wishful thinking on my part?

[Ms Darcy]

What I didn't include was all the times he pursued me from the time we broke up in October 2014 to just before he met the other girl in August 2015. That's almost a year and adds up to countless times he lead me to believe he wanted a future with me. He was devastated when I moved to another city. He was upset when I didn't visit him for his birthday in March. He only moved on because I pushed him away so many times because I was scared of getting hurt again. Then I realised I shouldn't be scared when it was too late and he'd already met this new girl and started pursuing things with her.

 

I don't understand why he had such strong feelings for this girl. They weren't together for even a year.

 

That still doesn't negate the fact that you basically chased him for many many months (almost a year).

 

How someone feels about someone else, we will never understand. But he feels IT with her. And you are a rebound. I'm really sorry but it IS plain as day as others have said. His heart is with someone else. You have to decide not be the rebound anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

It has been three months since they broke up so I guess it puzzles me why he is feeling this way now. I figure if he was to have doubts about their break up it would have been closer to when it happened, not after three months after and with absolutely no contact between them.

 

There is some literature out there (including the book "Getting to I Do") that says is takes men 6-8 weeks after a break up to realize what they have lost. Then they start to get back with an ex if they realize she's the one.

 

And "no contact" facilitates really missing the person and realizing the impact of losing them.

 

Just sayin'.

[SherrySher]

"only wanted to be friends with him" you know that's not true...you had feelings still and were waiting for him to return to you.

Exe's that remain in people's lives are a difficult thing. I mean, this is a person who has been intimate with you and that you shared much more than the average friend.

I am guessing that the average of exe's who stick around, probably at least 70% of them are hoping for another chance.

There are some who truly are not wanting anything with that person ever again, but it's difficult for the current partner none the less being as what they had shared.

 

I hope you can sort this out Eucalyptus, and that this man figures out who he truly wants to be with and who he doesn't. I am sorry that you're going through pain with it.

I know it must be difficult.

I wish you the best of luck all the same.

[greta96]

Another thought: in the letter he did say that it wasn't an attempt to crawl his way back into her life, but that it was his way of dealing with his "demons" and giving her what he should have given her while they were still together. He said he hopes it gives her the closure she needed. So maybe this was his way of trying to relieve his guilt and not neccesarily an attempt at getting back together? Is this wishful thinking on my part?

 

Wishful thinking on your part, I'm afraid. He regrets losing her and he will probably start resenting you for it. He was hoping that letter would give them a fresh start, and if she responded you would have been history, this much is clear.

Listen, you chased this guy as much as you could, despite him repeatedly showing you that he didn't value you all that much. Men - or maybe I should say people, because this is not restricted to men only - don't respect those who act desperate and who jump through hoops for them. They'll take it, they'll even be flattered at times, but if and when they meet someone stronger, with healthier boundaries (like this girl he loves seems to be), they will pursue that person. Persistence is not necessarily a good thing when it comes to pursuing relationships, and in your case it didn't pay off, even if on the surface it may look like it did.

You know what his real feelings are; now it's up to you to act accordingly.

[eucalypts]

UPDATE: I didn't get to see him today but he did call me back and we spoke briefly. I asked him if his ex had replied at all - he said that she sent a text to say thanks for the letter and that was it. He said he isn't going to respond because that's closure for the both of them. To be honest we didn't talk for long at all and we are seeing each other tomorrow so we can sort things out.

[MissCanuck]

He's still in love with her.

 

It's obvious, given not only the letter but also how he's been distancing himself from you. He knows in his heart he doesn't feel the same way about you that he does about her and he's clearly regretting their break-up.

 

I don't see this having a happy ending for you, OP. His heart is with someone else, regardless of whether or not they're in close contact. Agreeing not to speak to her doesn't change that.

[Jibralta]

My gut instinct is telling me that he still has feelings for her and possibly regrets us getting back together.

 

I'd say!!

 

Go with your gut. Please. It's a sad, painful situation for you, but his letter indicates that he'd drop you in a heartbeat if she wanted him back. And don't forget that he didn't drop her when you wanted him back. He didn't even call you when they broke up--you only know because you called him. Don't make this a competition between you and this other girl. There is none. He wants her, plain and simple. It's not because you're not as good as she is. It has nothing to do at all with your value as human being, so just forget that nonsense. You'll be doing yourself a favor if you cut him out now, and move along. He's too wishy-washy, anyway. He should never have told you that you had a future together. What a dildo.

[Jibralta]

I don't understand why he had such strong feelings for this girl. They weren't together for even a year.

 

Doesn't matter.

 

He has stronger feelings for her, plain and simple. Don't forget: It's not a competition. His romantic preferences don't determine a single facet of your value on this planet. It may feel that way, but it's not that way.

 

You've been very straightforward with him. You've put yourself out there and risked looking like a fool. You deserve to be with someone who is similarly forthcoming and courageous. Don't settle for a weasel.

[Jibralta]

She knew that I wanted to only be friends with him but she was so threatened by that and let it destroy their relationship.

 

You she BOTH know that wasn't true!! All three of you knew.

 

The irony is that of the three of you, she is the only one who has put up strong boundaries and said, "This is nonsense. My boyfriend should be telling eucalypts to eff off, but he's not. I don't want to be tied down to a jellyfish." Then she got rid of him.

 

Good for her.

 

You should do the same. He's no prize. He strung you along because he's weak.

[Ms Darcy]

Good for her.

 

You should do the same. He's no prize. He strung you along because he's weak.

 

Agree. Lotta effort for a weak dude.

[ThatwasThen]

UPDATE: I didn't get to see him today but he did call me back and we spoke briefly. I asked him if his ex had replied at all - he said that she sent a text to say thanks for the letter and that was it. He said he isn't going to respond because that's closure for the both of them. To be honest we didn't talk for long at all and we are seeing each other tomorrow so we can sort things out.

 

Did you really think he was going to tell you the whole story. Remember what he said about the letter before he knew that you violated his privacy and read it?

 

She knew that I wanted to only be friends with him but she was so threatened by that and let it destroy their relationship. I don't believe I crossed any boundaries.

You are as transparent as glass. The only person you are fooling is YOU. If you don't believe that you crossed any relationship boundaries then you aren't ready to be in a serious, long lasting relationship either.

[greta96]

UPDATE: I didn't get to see him today but he did call me back and we spoke briefly. I asked him if his ex had replied at all - he said that she sent a text to say thanks for the letter and that was it. He said he isn't going to respond because that's closure for the both of them. To be honest we didn't talk for long at all and we are seeing each other tomorrow so we can sort things out.

 

If tomorrow he is acting all nice and 'loving' towards you, it means the girl rejected him (good for her, I like her, she knows what's good for her!).

Why are you content with being second best, and waste your time with a guy who is with you only because the one he really wants doesn't want him back, I don't know. But hey, nobody can make you see what you are too stubborn to see. Wow.

[Ms Darcy]

She knew that I wanted to only be friends with him but she was so threatened by that and let it destroy their relationship.

 

I agree with ThatwasThen. There is not ONE woman replying to this thread that would be cool AT ALL with their bf or husband's ex continuously reaching out to be friends. Hell to the nah.

 

I agree that his ex probably asserted her boundaries. He didn't respect that and she left him. Now he tried to crawl back and I doubt she'll take him back. So don't be surprised if he gets affectionate again.

[j.man]

I agree with ThatwasThen. There is not ONE woman replying to this thread that would be cool AT ALL with their bf or husband's ex continuously reaching out to be friends. Hell to the nah.

 

I agree that his ex probably asserted her boundaries. He didn't respect that and she left him. Now he tried to crawl back and I doubt she'll take him back. So don't be surprised if he gets affectionate again.

Yup. Which is precisely why my sympathy engine is running on fumes in this scenario. Guy seems as content to use OP as a rebound as she was to undermine his previous relationship.

[eucalypts]

Thank you for the advice everyone. I'm sorry if I've been defensive and stubborn, I suppose I don't want to believe what everyone is telling me because the truth hurts.

 

I saw him this morning before he went to work. At first he acted like everything between us was normal, like nothing had happened, and I had to bring up the letter. He said that he only gave her the letter because he felt guilty for how things ended. He said that she would have been really hurt after finding out we were back together and just wanted to make sure she was okay. He claimed the letter was his way of giving her the closure she deserved. I asked why he included all of the other stuff in the letter (all the amazing things he had to say about her) and he said she deserved to know that's how he felt about her. I asked if he feels that way about me and he said yes, and that he loves me. He apologised and said it wasn't fair to put me through this. I asked what happens from here and he said he just feels lost, that he doesn't know about how he feels about everything because he has been hurt so many times and all of this stuff about what happened with us the previous times we were together. I left in tears and he said he'll pick me up after work and go get food. I don't even know what that means anymore.

 

I know what needs to be done but I just can't. I've known him since high school, we spent some of the most important years of our lives together, he was my first everything, my first real love. I thought I finally had him back in my life forever, I never thought he would fall in love with someone else, I don't even know where to go to from here. It hurts so much to think that it could be over.

 

Yup. Which is precisely why my sympathy engine is running on fumes in this scenario. Guy seems as content to use OP as a rebound as she was to undermine his previous relationship.

 

I didn't get back together with him knowing that I was a rebound. I honestly thought SHE was the rebound and didn't realise their relationship was as serious as it was. If I knew what I know now I would have thought twice about jumping back into a relationship with him.

[SherrySher]

I'm sorry to hear this Eucalypts. Yes, first loves are quite painful but it is something you can get past (we all have) and it's survivable.

I hope in time you can heal and find a man whom you fall deeply in love with and really can finally move past all of this.

You might not think so now, but you really can heal so much from all of this that when you see him on the street, you can just say hello and it won't hurt.

It will take time. Give yourself some space and let time do the rest.

[MissCanuck]

First loves are very rarely our last.

 

You had your nice times together. But it's pretty clear he's moved on. Unfortunately, you were a convenient rebound.

[Jibralta]

He claimed the letter was his way of giving her the closure she deserved. I asked why he included all of the other stuff in the letter (all the amazing things he had to say about her) and he said she deserved to know that's how he felt about her.

 

Reads as a wee bit self-important on his part...

 

I know what needs to be done but I just can't. I've known him since high school, we spent some of the most important years of our lives together

 

I know that makes it seem special. It's hard not to see important people in your life as infallible. But he is fallible, and the situation is not unusual.

 

You really should find the strength to walk away.

[eucalypts]

He picked me up after work, we grabbed some dinner and went to eat it down by the beach. The whole time he barely said a word to me. He made one comment about something that happened at work, said something about how good the chips tasted, and that was it. Once he finished eating he turned to me and pulled me into a hug and said he was sorry for everything, that he could see how much I was hurting and that he never meant to hurt me like this. He said he will always love me but he can't be with me because of everything that's happened, and it wouldn't be fair if we stayed together because he needs to work on his "demons" and work on being a better person before he can be with anyone else. He said that being in the relationship with his ex opened his eyes about the way he treats people, about how "emotionally damaged" he is (side note: my sister suspects he has BPD) and how all he does is cause problems for people. He also said that early last year he genuinely did think we would reconnect and work things out, he did see me as the love of his life and that's why he gave us another chance recently but so many things have happened since then and so much has changed between us. Then I got the meaningless "we can still be friends" spiel and that was it. Then we just sat there on the beach together for a good hour. On the way home he said he will probably see me at our mutual friend's BBQ next weekend, and to text him if I need anything.

 

I am so broken and numb, I can't think straight. He's been four years of my life and throughout our ups and downs I honestly thought we would end up together. I thought this time would be different because we're older and we had that time apart to reflect on our mistakes and work out where we went wrong but in the time we were apart he fell in love with someone else.

[Jibralta]

He also said that early last year he genuinely did think we would reconnect and work things out, he did see me as the love of his life and that's why he gave us another chance

 

I believe it. It's why he was giving you such mixed signals. It is sometimes hard to know where to draw the line in relationships, especially when you aren't looking to get married or settle down permanently. I've been in his shoes, and I've been in your shoes. I spent a lot of time in his shoes because I couldn't make up my mind. And quite frankly, I didn't care if that hurt anyone else. I didn't care then, and looking back I still don't really care now. I literally have no regrets about it, which probably sounds pretty harsh. But it's true, and you should consider that when you think about this guy and feel lovelorn. I'm sure he cares about you, but not enough to take care of you.

 

Now, when I found myself in your shoes, it was because I was entertaining silly ideals about happily-ever-after and storybook romance. It's a fun place to dwell in intermittently, but life is much more interesting than that, and people are more complicated. This is actually a good thing. One high school-based relationship I had extended on and off into my 30s. I just really enjoyed the fiction. But there comes a time when you need to be real about the people you keep in your life, and the sooner you do this, the better. I know you are hurting now, but life is big and there really are a lot of wonderful things before you. You are not afraid to go for what you want. You will be ok.

[Jibralta]

First loves are very rarely our last.

 

This is true.

[Ms Darcy]

Please don't even let yourself fo there with the BPD nonsense. Just focus on what Jibralta said. He's probably just focused on what's good for him. He cares for you but he has put himself first this whole time.

 

You, on the other hand, have not. Thus, you have gotten hurt.

 

Sorry to hear this, but this is on no way a surprise. His heart has been with another woman. You deserve better.

[Nicoolest]

Everyone here said what needed to be said. Don't be that girl who doesn't listen and stay with him anyway. I know it's hard but move on and for Pete's sake don't get pregnant

[ThatwasThen]

We were together for almost two years but broke up in October 2014. After we broke up a lot of things happened, we tried getting back together but it never worked out and I eventually moved to another city. For months we remained in contact and kept talking about the possibility of getting together again if I moved back. I told him I would come see him in August 2015 and we both agreed that we would talk in person to see if we could work things out. I was hopeful that we could.

 

But by the time August came he had just started seeing someone else. When I visited him as planned he told me that he wanted to put what we had in the past and wanted to see where things went with this new girl of his.

 

He should have told you that BEFORE you came to visit and then you should have stayed away and cut all contact with him.

 

That is water under the bridge now but wanted to highlight it because I wouldn't want you to do the same thing with the next guy you find yourself drawn to.

 

Please DO NOT keep in touch with him, he will recycle you every time he is between chicks if you let him. Letting him will keep you from finding someone who isn't showing any signs of BPD, a good guy that you won't have to keep breaking up and getting back together with.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting but in time and some reflection on all the drama you had with him, you'll be glad he's no longer in your life. Work on yourself and your confidence when it comes to men so that you don't cling and pursue when they are not even worth the effort.

 

Feel better soon.