Opinions on Husband "befriending" another women

Hi,

I am looking for advice on this subject.

My husband and I have been together for about eight years. It has been rocky with our share of problems which we are trying to work through.

My husband is a very naïve man when it comes to flirtation from other women. He doesn't seem to pick up on that stuff.

He recently lost his job and femal x coworker started texting him sending her condolences. She also said how she has left her husband and is going through a rough time.

Over their text conversation my husband said that he would be a listening ear if she ever needed because he knows what it's like to go through a rough time.

Anyways, the other night they are texting again about a course she's in, tattoos they have then he says if she wants she can call instead of text. She does call almost right away and they spend an hr on the phone. She is crying about her current divorce etc. He is telling her she made the right choice for her , that she is a smart girl, that she'll get through this etc.

After the conversation she texted him to say thank you and he says the offer for coffee still stands. She says maybe beer is in order instead. He responds with " I'm a cheap date".

Anyways so like it said my husband doesn't pick up on flirtations as well as I don't think he truly gets what he says could be taken the wrong way.

I confronted him and said " I think you better be careful"

He said about what?

I told him I trust him but I don't know her and the things he is saying to her and she is in a rough place In life , newly divorced may take things the wrong way.

He says he is just being nice but I said This is how "affairs" can start. They are developing an emotional bond with each other .

Anyways I'd like your opinion. Am I reading too much into this?

I find it kinda shady a newly divorced women is confiding in and crying on the phone to a married man she barely knows.

I think you should take a completely different tactic. Say "oh that's too bad about her marriage. that's so sad. It does sound like she needs a friend. Let's go meet her TOGETHER" You do the inviting. And make an agreement that either he sees her with you or not at all. She will either be so shocked she will lay off of him if her intent is not pure, or if she really sees him as a work buddy, she will be delighted to be friends AS A COUPLE with you. But yes, a woman going through a divorce talking to a married man who is not her brother or dad or cousin, etc, is looking to possibly fill the void with male company.

You can choose to tell him what to do, but some guys don't realize things - or dictating sometimes has the opposite affect and makes them hide things - I think killing this with kindness will put the kabosh on her. After you meet her, either she will go away completely on her own or he will see it through your eyes and he will make her go on her own.

Thank you I like that approach. I was thinking the same thing . I was kinda thinking of waiting till he brings her up again or they are texting or on the phone to say she should come over to our place and meet with us both.

I did want to add that my husband and I don't have the best communication and I was a bit hurt when I heard him talking to her and taking the time out of his day to comfort her when I don't feel I get the comfort I need in certain situations from him.

I wasn't sure if I was just being a bit jealous or if the situation I am faced with was a bit off and I had the right to be a little Leary of it.

After the conversation she texted him to say thank you and he says the offer for coffee still stands. She says maybe beer is in order instead. He responds with " I'm a cheap date".

^

This is way over the line, and way too close for comfort, (imo). I think this goes beyond him being naive, where he knows exactly what he's doing, as well as aiming to test your limits.

In short, you have every right to nip this in the bud, and inform him this is up to him to handle, and at the same time make it clear that as his wife you refuse to be disrespected. His reaction should tell the story.

I had exactly the same response as HeartGoesOn to that part and agree with her advise.

No. Even including you in the "friendship" is still giving him the message that they can continue on with their communication. I discussed boundaries with my husband when we were dating, and you need to do the same, even though it's a little late. I told him, "Most people work with people of the opposite sex and have friendly chats with them, but I don't give my phone number to male co-workers and I don't want you giving your number to female co-workers." I have Facebook friends who are guys, but there is no emotional connection there. They are all family men and I'm liking photos they post of their kids, etc. My husband doesn't use Facebook, but I'd be okay with him doing the same.

It's okay to discuss your needs. If he cares about how you feel, he will comply. If he asks, what do you want me to do? I'd say: Tell her your wife isn't comfortable with him having a female friend and so the communication between us needs to end. I hope things work out well for you. Take care.

If he's on his way to furthering his emotional affair, he won't stop. Whether or not this happens, since you two haven't been able to fix your communication problems on your own, maybe you should attend marital counseling. Having a rocky marriage definitely ups the odds of a person falling into an emotional affair. This could be a wake up call that something major needs to happen in your marriage to reestablish the emotional connection between you two.

Print out some articles on emotional affairs and read it with your husband. Tell him you love him and want to improve things in the marriage and come up with a plan, which should include deleting the lady's phone number. Let us know how it goes. Take care.

I think it's completely inappropriate for a recently divorced female to expect a married man to be her pillar of strength and comfort. Going our for drinks? You've got to be kidding?! Would he be ok if the tables were turned? Spending one hour a night talking to her?! It sounds like emotional vampirism. How close were they before? Why is he allowing this at the expense of your own comfort? You need to have a sit down and clearly define your boundaries(with your husband). This woman clearly has none. You can't force your husband to do anything he doesn't want to do. But--you can tell him how you feel and if he decides to nurture her instead of you, then you have your answer.

He is being what I call Capt Save A Hoe. He doesn't need to save this damsel in distress. It is crossing the line. My husband was like this when young. I told him to stop it or get out. Friends is one thing . This is beyond friends.

There are NO friends that are not friends of your marriage....this is no friend.

Your husband is not naïve. He is having an inappropriate emotional affair.

My husband and I have been together for about eight years. It has been rocky with our share of problems which we are trying to work through.

 

He recently lost his job and female x coworker started texting him She also said how she has left her husband and is going through a rough time. my husband said that he would be a listening ear if she ever needed. the other night they are texting again then he says if she wants she can call instead of text. She does call almost right away and they spend an hr on the phone. She is crying about her current divorce etc.

 

He says he is just being nice but I said This is how "affairs" can start. They are developing an emotional bond with each other

I find it kinda shady a newly divorced women is confiding in and crying on the phone to a married man she barely knows.

I agree with Wiseman.

Trc, you're the one who is being naïve.

I think you should take a completely different tactic. Say "oh that's too bad about her marriage. that's so sad. It does sound like she needs a friend. Let's go meet her TOGETHER" You do the inviting. And make an agreement that either he sees her with you or not at all. She will either be so shocked she will lay off of him if her intent is not pure, or if she really sees him as a work buddy, she will be delighted to be friends AS A COUPLE with you.

I think that's a great idea. She might just be very devastated right now (as many, many people on these boards are when going through a divorce) and desperate for any kind of contact with someone.

I think it's harder trying to control a situation from afar than it is to get involved in it so you see things for how they really are.

Exchanging intimate, emotional details of someone's personal life with a married man is crossing a boundary. Plain and simple.

This is how emotional affairs start. Not saying it will happen here but this is the making of an intimate emotional connection.

Exchanging intimate, emotional details of someone's personal life with a married man is crossing a boundary. Plain and simple.

This is how emotional affairs start. Not saying it will happen here but this is the making of an intimate emotional connection.

I don't agree. Before I was married, and now I've always had platonic male friends who I share personal info with - some are married, some are not. I do agree that in this situation he is planning to take a woman out on a date and there's been no mention of all of you meting up.

Yes, Batya.

" Before I was married, and now I've always had platonic male friends who I share personal info with - some are married, some are not."

Just read this:

"You don’t hold onto love by squeezing the life out of it".

"Clinginess is an extreme form of dependency. When you’re in a good relationship, dependency is mutual and not desperate. For many though, the power of intimacy triggers fears of abandonment, or a sense of being second best. This can lead to trying to take control by being clingy."

So you are saying that you would have no problem with a distraught female co-worker that you hardly knew (or didnt know, its not clear) confiding and leaning on your husband. Not to mention possibly going out in meeting for drinks?

Had to add, I have several male platonic friends. Just in the specific context in the way she shares this it makes me uncomfortable.

It's not an argument for men and women unable to be friends or being possesive.

I have many platonic male friends, as I work in a male-dominated industry. But I don't behave the way that Trc's husband behaves because I have a boyfriend who I care for deeply. I don't encourage male acquaintances to open up to me about their relationship woes. My door is open to good friends, but even then I am attentive to my boyfriend's feelings first. I am not dismissive if he says he is uncomfortable about something. If I don't take my boyfriend's concerns seriously, then what am I doing in my relationship but wasting time?

Thank you for your replies.

I do know my husbands personality very well and I don't think at all he is being. Dishonest to me. I really do believe when he says "well I'm a cheap date", that was a joke. I'm not saying it was an appropriate one. But nonetheless I don't think he meant it seriously.

After I told him to be careful and explained that although he says he is just talking to he to be nice , she may not be on the same wave length. I didn't tell him I am uncomfortable with them meeting up for coffee or beers if that does come to actuality. I was thinking of just waiting to see if there is going to be more contact and if so I will express that I am uncomfortable and that if she is hurting so bad maybe we can invite her over and all talk together.

After he talked on the phone with her , the next day she texted him and said "I'm sorry you had to listen to me. That was so self cantered" he only replied with "that's fine, don't be sorry". He didn't engage in more texting and I don't think there has been contact made again.

I agree men and women can be friends to an extent. I would never do what he has done so far if the shoe was on the other foot and I know he would be very concerned if roles were reversed. I am thinking maybe when I first brought it up to him that is why he never really fought back as he knew that deep down this as not right.

Is it possible he is bored from being unemployed? Because clearly he enjoys and encourages this attention he is getting and may feel needed by her. Inviting her over will not illuminate anything nor discourage this slippery slope...because your husbands boundaries are the problem, not her.

I was thinking of just waiting to see if there is going to be more contact and if so I will express that I am uncomfortable and that if she is hurting so bad maybe we can invite her over and all talk together.

Yes I do think he is bored at times. I don't think the conversations he has had this far are appropriate I am just waiting now to see if there is more contact being made

Thank you for your replies.

I didn't tell him I am uncomfortable with them meeting up for coffee or beers if that does come to actuality. I was thinking of just waiting to see if there is going to be more contact and if so I will express that I am uncomfortable and that if she is hurting so bad maybe we can invite her over and all talk together.

I don't think that you should wait to make your feelings known to him. Get it out into the open, and avoid future misunderstanding.

Please speak up. Perhaps mention that his friend needs a trained licensed therapist. Unfortunately he is inviting this massive emotional dump because he is bored and feels useless. Your husband is enjoying this so much that he is not clear on how inappropriate it is. Also, his focus should be finding employment not playing therapist .

Yes I do think he is bored at times. I don't think the conversations he has had this far are appropriate I am just waiting now to see if there is more contact being made

I think that's a great idea. She might just be very devastated right now (as many, many people on these boards are when going through a divorce) and desperate for any kind of contact with someone.

 

I think it's harder trying to control a situation from afar than it is to get involved in it so you see things for how they really are.

My intent for this was to

1) Call her bluff. If she knows the wife is coming OR the wife shows up, it may scare her off into not communicating anymore

2) When you are with your spouse, you tend to see something through their eyes more and if it is inapprorpiate, it will be more apparent to him, AND she can point to him what the woman is doing.

3) The husband may not like the idea and will stop communicating with her if he is indeed not being naive.

Setting a boundary and telling the husband that he cannot communcate with her may have mixed results depending on his personality - it may force him to go underground with it, or he may say "okay, i didn't realize" and really not communicate with her anymore.