Jump to content

Forgive me ENAs, for I have sinned... ex sex


Recommended Posts

Anybody feel free to comment. Whether you are going to be encouraging, supportive, or chastising. I like to post before I go to therapy then I can match up with what she says. I'm curious to know what everybody makes of this. It will be such a relief to post this. Very long, but I want to be thorough and I need to get this out for anybody who sticks through it.

 

Background Both 47 years old, 9 years friends, 1 year relationship (while I was separated), 1 year broken up. The past year of break up has been a mix of NC and on/off and hooking up occasionally. I suffered a situational depression which contributed to the break up. Have been in counseling for a little under a year. He had issues that contributed to our demise (controlling, anger).

 

Story - Pt. 1

After over a month of NC, I recently broke it via text and beat myself up. FF to a a couple of nights ago. We were texting and joking. In the middle of it he comments "I'm going to XYZ" (local watering hole). I reply "?". And he replies and says "If you want to come, you can if you want to talk. In other words, I'm saying to talk and nothing else." I figure, hell why not... no work tomorrow and I could use a glass of wine (or two). He complimented me when he saw me and asked if I lost weight (I have been working on a revenge body... and seriously, it's coming along awesomely) We talk and are having a good time, just like when we were friends. I notice he is finding excuses to touch me in subtle ways. Hmm. I made sure not to drink too much, seriously just had two glasses of wine, so I can have my wits ad judgement about me.

 

The night moves along with pleasant conversation. He mentions that he might be getting sent out of town for work I say "Oh well the good thing is you won't have to worry since you don't have a dog anymore" (dog passed). He then tells me he got a puppy. I didn't believe him, but whatever. Conversation continues. He mentions to me that the girl that he was "just talking to" a month ago when we last spoke in person has now progressed to intimacy. (ouch). I just sort of blinked and listened. He goes on to say that she wants him to define the relationship and he refuses to label it because he wants to "take things slow" because of issues with our relationship and he is cautious and also that "she has some quirks" that he is wondering might become a problem or issue. He says she is very nice, treats him very well, cooks for him and is so sweet, etc. But he also wonders if he likes her SO much because she is SO nice, because in our relationship during my depression, I wasn't and he wonders if he craves that because of that. It hurts, but hey, he deserves his happiness or what he thinks his happiness might be. I'm not going to interfere with negativity and wish him the best.

 

We finish. He insisted on paying the bill despite me strongly insisting to split it. He says "want to see the new puppy?" (yes, this is where it gets crazy). I REALLY had it in my mind I was going to JUST go look at the puppy and go. Let me just add, his house is 3 mins. away from this place and I'm 6 minutes from his house so it wasn't hugely out of my way. Aside from that, he made it sound like he is intent on pursuing a relationship with this woman so I was 100% certain that no advances would come from his end. I tell him I'll come over for a bit, we go to walk out the door and he grabs my face and kisses me passionately and for quite a while we are STILL inside the place in public. I know he was not drunk either.

 

I'm confused, but ok. Maybe that was a fluke and decide that I'm not going to make any advances because I don't want to be the bad girl here. We get to his house. I also want to point out that this was OUR HOUSE THAT HE BOUGHT FOR US and that we looked at together and chose. There will be a point to that later. We go inside. I'm playing with the puppy on the floor. After a while he's looking at me again, grabs me and starts kissing me. He gets on top of me and we are making out. He then asks if we can move it to the bedroom. So we know what happens in there. And "that" happened 3 times over the next few hours.

 

We start talking again. He says he feels guilty and she's "such a nice girl" and that "her worst fear is that you and I are going to get back together and she pretty much said if that happens, we are done". It's sort of a buzzkill, and it hurts. During the whole time I'm there I asked more questions than I should have (continually stabbing myself in the heart) and he tells me that yes, they have had sex in that house and in the bed (the one that we are in. The one that we picked out together UGHHHH). My heart was breaking when he was telling me this, but I didn't go crazy, I just stopped asking questions I didn't want to hear answers to. I just kept it nonchalant. Being jealous wasn't going to help anything. I just told him I have feelings and it hurts, but he chose to move on and that is his right.

 

It's getting late and I mention that I need to get home. He is still wondering what he is going to do regarding her (as in telling her or not). We just kind of leave it like that in a really weird place and as I leave, it's ironic that suddenly I am and FEEL like the other woman as I walk out of my house that was to be our future. It's very sad, but I not unmanageable.

 

Story - Pt. 2

I get up and text him "good morning". He replies. I ask if he wants to talk or grab a bite, he says he just ate but I can come over and that he would like to talk. Well we talked, and talked and talked. It seems as though every time we connect and talk, things get a little bit better. I think he has gotten much better with communication and being in touch with his feelings (and anger), which makes it all the harder. We turned over every rock and stone. Talked about my depression, what my goals are now, how each other felt about certain things in the relationship and why. We didn't argue once (which we used to do frequently) and when it seemed like it was escalating and blame was getting tossed, we dialed it down. it really was very productive.

 

We discussed his current relationship. I said that our relationship was deeply meaningful to me, and this is all very difficult. Harder now so that there is another woman involved. I told him I still love him, and probably always will and was open with my feelings. I explained however that I am really trying to work on myself first, and that my ex husband would like us to attend counseling and I said I would explore that when I was ready (let me add that I need to be certain of every door I am shutting, so that is why I want to see what comes up in counseling), because if I'm not at 100%, I'm not going to be good in any relationship no matter WHO it is with. I told him right now all I have is time and I'm in no rush. And I'm not going to brag, but I've done a very good job of working on myself. I'm getting in better and better shape, stronger, healthier, and I'm working very hard to break many bad mental habits I have engrained in me from my upbringing.

 

He does not confirm or deny that he still loves me or has feelings for me. He says he told HER that he does not have feelings for me. He seems really wrapped up in her and what she will think or she will find out, which again... ouch. I ask if we would ever reconcile. He said that he has HUGE issues with trust regarding me and other things and I reply "If I'm never given an opportunity to earn it back, I can't show you anything. But that is your choice." He says that he thinks about everything I say and that the decision to break up was not an easy one for him. We talk some more. It was good.

 

Then he suggests we go lie down in the bedroom and talk some more. I think at this point I'm learning "talk" is the code word for "sex". We go back there and we do the code word... twice. It was very passionate and very fun. We talk some more (really talk) and he left his phone out in the car and she's probably upset. He gets it. She had texted during the night and he didn't reply for quite some time and then she texts again "are you mad at me?". He texts her that his phone was in the car and that he was training for work in morning (keep in mind it's now mid-day), she doesn't reply so he is getting anxious. Finally, she replies with "Oh ok, I was worried about you". Now he clearly feels guilty. He talks to me about what he is going to do and says "I don't think I'm going to tell her. This just won't happen again." (ouch). But then he segues into how their relationship isn't labeled yet and that he shouldn't feel too guilty and then says maybe he's trying to justify it, yada yada. He keeps worrying that I left long blond hairs ll over the place and that my smell is in the pillows. I'm like "Um ... I used to sort of live here. If she finds blond hairs its because of that". I just sit there pecking away on my phone acting like it's none of my business.

 

Let me insert here that I have been friends with this guy FOREVER and believe it or not, he is a truthful guy, not a cheater and has always done the right thing. I didn't want anyone thinking he was a serial cheater or anything.

 

While we are still lying in bed naked, he is texting back and forth with her. He isn't hiding the screen from me or anything of the sort. It's almost like he is being too open and I'm not sure how comfy I am with this. He finishes, we look at each other I go to kiss him and he says "I can't, I have to draw the line someplace." I figure it's a little late for that but, I have things to do so I get dressed and he gets up to walk me out. We talk again in the foyer. He gives me huge hug and we are just embracing for a while. He says that he isn't sure about anything anymore and jokingly says "Why do you always come around and mess up my life?" Which bothered me because he is a grown ass man and made choices too. Don't put this on me. Just admit your confusion. I go to go out to my car and he calls me back and says "Hey, I wanted to let you know, I've noticed a lot of change in you and that you've been working very hard on yourself and your issues". That sort of meant a lot. I don't need his approval, but it was nice to hear and have him notice since he used to demonize me so much.

 

And that's where I left. I did call him later after I had sent a couple of texts and asked him if he thought I was pathetic and didn't respect me. He said "Not at all. We have a deep history and we are friends. I don't think that of you." I mentioned to him what I mentioned before, that if he ever wants to contact me regarding reconciliation, don't be stubborn, and drop me a line. But I'm also not holding up my life waiting for that and he might hear that I'm in a relationship myself. I just don't know where I'm going either.

 

Conclusion: Thoughts and Questions

I'm glad I've come pretty far in that I'm not rapid fire texting him daily and I'm just breathing and staying busy. I would have been a mess if this happened 6 months ago. I have a lot of emotions going on, but I'm not letting any one of them guide me to any action. I'm so glad about that and that I am aware of the realities and consequences. I truly believe here on ENA when you all scold somebody for breaking NC, it's not because they broke NC, but that they aren't mature enough to deal and accept the consequences of breaking it. I feel like I am getting there. I'm not overly thinking and just letting things flow.

 

I'm not sure if it was "just sex". I think he would like to think it was. He alluded to a few things emotionally and then he would stop himself or turn it into a joke. So if you got this far, here are the questions that have been milling about in my head:

 

1. If he started a new relationship and it has only been a month (you know, the romantic and best part of the relationship), why is he opting to hook up with me? Am I THAT good in bed and she is not? Can that really BE the only reason. I asked him why, and he couldn't give me an answer.

 

2. What should he have done. Told her or not? Like I said, I'm surprised he is not because he is a very truthful traditional guy and despises infidelity.

 

3. Isn't it sort of crazy and disrespectful that he was texting her in bed? Many things are now making ME feel guilty, and I don't even know her.

 

4. Why does somebody go from "we're only going to talk" to have sex 5 times over two days? He had plenty of ops to stop it at any time. I was not forcing myself on him in any way.

 

5. Can he really be taking this other relationship seriously if he is doing this? Maybe she was a rebound?

 

6. And of course the question that I'm sure everybody knows I'm going to ask and I may hear "Go back into NC. He's using you for a booty call. etc" is... Does he not know what he is doing because he's seeing changes in me and now he is confused and considering reconciling?

 

As for me. A text here and there today, but I think I'm going to NC or LC for a bit. It's not for him or a game, I just need to be alone with my thoughts for a while and leave him alone with his. could be a month or a year, but don't think that will be our last interaction but I won't die if it ends up being so.

Link to comment
  • Replies 74
  • Created
  • Last Reply

BeHeard - You've pretty much answered all your own questions. You need to decide what YOU want. If you think there's a chance of reconciliation, he needs to make a choice. If you believe he's just using you for sex, then you need to let him go for good and refuse contact.

Link to comment

When a man overshares information about his current lady, it's his indirect way of keeping you in you check. Don't ever forget that.

 

If he was really interested in you in a true romantic way there is no where in Haiti's he would have confided in you about her the way he did. Let alone text her while you were right there next to him and allow to you see what he was saying.

 

You say he's not a cheater?? Hello. . yes, yes he did and therefore he is.

 

You've been played. . Sorry. . don't mean to be harsh. But you also are responsible for it happening.

He got to free trip to around the block of nostalgia land and you pretty much told him you were available should he ever want to again.

Look . .maybe he'll have second thoughts. But there is absolutely no incentive to reconcile with you when he gets a free pass to have both at the same time.

 

Not to mention, though as much as he appreciated the hookup, he may not respect you for having allowed this happen to begin with.

If want to salvage this in any way. . if it's at all possible, go back to NC.

 

All or Nothing. Anything in between is down right disrespectful to you and yourself.

 

Code of conduct: (history aside) Don't sleep with another woman's man. It's just a bad practice all around.

Link to comment
Just wanting to add, you had the choice to leave the first time he kissed you outside. And yet you chose to continue forward into the house. That was his signal that you're going to allow sexual contact.

 

^^That's what I was thinking as I was reading it^^. He kissed you and you still went to his house.

 

He is a cheater, he cheated on her with you. I know you two have a long history but he's shown you who he is. For me and my ex, the hardest, but best part of getting him over is when I had the TRUE realization of who he was as a person. He showed me who he was but I wanted to ignore it because I loved him.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck and keep us updated.

Link to comment

You have nothing to be forgiven for, Op. Anyone who says they wouldn't have sex with their ex if they could isn't be truthful.

The only thing you are doing wrong here is selling yourself the fantasy you want to believe. You and him together, again. It is nice to get to live in a fantasy world and make it all unreal. 5 times of fantasy sex sounds good to me. But, what is the cost? What will you do when this ends badly? You need to be realistic and be prepared that this isn't going your way. However, I won't be joining in with the judgemental chorus. We are human and you are vulnerable to his passes.

Link to comment

You should have opted out of going back to his house when he kissed you in the restaurant. It was clear which way your "visit to see his puppy" was headed when he did that. Instead of going back, you should have told him that you would love to see where that kiss lead but you are not going to allow that when he is dating another girl. That if he ever decides that he would like to pursue something exclusive with you again, he knows where to find you and then you should have gone home.

 

I can't fathom why you would be laying there beside him naked while he placated the other girl through text instead of getting up and telling him that you had better things to be doing then watch him talk to other women.

 

How he disrespected you in so many ways.

 

Don't let him string you along while he continue to pursue her. Any progress you think you've made on yourself will be whittled away one non-committed "talk" at a time.

 

Anyone who says they wouldn't have sex with their ex if they could isn't be truthful.

No disrespect but for goodness sakes: You can't talk for all people and say they are lying if they don't think in your terms.

Link to comment
When a man overshares information about his current lady, it's his indirect way of keeping you in you check. Don't ever forget that.

 

If he was really interested in you in a true romantic way there is no where in Haiti's he would have confided in you about her the way he did. Let alone text her while you were right there next to him and allow to you see what he was saying.

 

You say he's not a cheater?? Hello. . yes, yes he did and therefore he is.

 

You've been played. . Sorry. . don't mean to be harsh. But you also are responsible for it happening.

He got to free trip to around the block of nostalgia land and you pretty much told him you were available should he ever want to again.

Look . .maybe he'll have second thoughts. But there is absolutely no incentive to reconcile with you when he gets a free pass to have both at the same time.

 

Not to mention, though as much as he appreciated the hookup, he may not respect you for having allowed this happen to begin with.

If want to salvage this in any way. . if it's at all possible, go back to NC.

 

All or Nothing. Anything in between is down right disrespectful to you and yourself.

 

Code of conduct: (history aside) Don't sleep with another woman's man. It's just a bad practice all around.

 

I agree wholeheartedly. He IS a cheater! And....you say he's not dishonest, but....at the root of cheating/infidelity is dishonesty. I can guarantee you his current girlfriend knows NOTHING about you two sleeping together. He told you himself that he told her he doesn't have feelings for you, which, if he does, then he lied there, too.

 

I know you care about him, but...he isn't who you think he is -- or at least who you want him to be. I think you know, deep down, what's happening here, but...you're too wrapped up in him to do what you need to do.

 

I hope you'll make the right decision for yourself here. You ARE being used -- whether he's doing it intentionally or not -- and he has proven he can lie to someone he allegedly cares about, so doesn't that indicate to you that you can't believe what he tells you? I wouldn't be able to trust this guy, for sure. My ex was similar -- tried to get me into bed with him (unsuccessfully!) when he was still with another woman. That was when I knew I couldn't trust him -- at all. If he'd cheat on her (or at least attempt to), and if he'd lie to her about me, he'd absolutely lie to me. I knew that. It was a relief when I was finally free of all that. I knew I'd never, ever trust him again, and a relationship can't survive without trust.

Link to comment

 

No disrespect but for goodness sakes: You can't talk for all people and say they are lying if they don't think in your terms.

 

I can say with 1000% I would NEVER under ANY circumstance have sex with my ex. For many reasons, but it would never happen. Nope, never, LOL!

Link to comment

I'm not here to judge you..

 

but you are hurting yourself and you are allowing him to hurt you even more.

 

This guy sounds like crass.

 

Doesn't matter if you were great friends before or wtv he's said to make you believe having sex with him is okay atm.

 

He has no respect for the girl he's currently seeing & even LESS respect for you.

 

He's thinking about his needs, sounds like he could care less who he's hurting.

 

Stay away, don't you think you deserve better?

 

He doesn't wants to be with you, he wants sex.

 

Understand that.

Link to comment

You've been downgraded to "the other woman".

 

And what's sadder, you not only are allowing it, you are embracing it with open arms.

 

I guess you'd rather be his sex only side chick and his dirty little secret than be ""alone".

 

And no, just because he talks to you a little bit before he gets sex from you doesn't mean he "cares" about you. He cares about getting to stick his penis into two different women.

 

BTW, he's not "using" you because you are giving your full consent.

 

I'm so, so sorry.

Link to comment

You have to forgive yourself. You got caught up in being able to be with him again. Look at what he's actually doing, and what he's actually telling you. With words (we have to draw the line somewhere) and actions (hey side chick, want to see what I'm saying to my real chick. She has no idea lololol) he is showing you his values. He doesn't value either of you enough.

 

He seems to know what he wants - 2 chicks and no consequences.

Link to comment

Update

We were texting a bit today. Started off nice. Then I asked if he had any hope of reconciliation and he said:

 

"I don't think I can. I have many regrets from the last couple of days and still not sure how I am going to handle it."

 

I offered an opinion on a couple ways he might want to handle it and he FLIPPED. Said that relationship with none of my business (um, than can you please not talk to me about it?), that I "trapped" him. That even if things don't work out he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Then he says:

 

"So basically now I feel like you kind of trapped me knowing that I would be weak and knowing how this would play out."

 

Um... how the hell did I end up being the bad girl and it's all my fault?

 

I think you all are right. Rose colored glasses need to come off. He's never going to change. There is something WRONG with me still and I need to figure it out.

 

I can't believe that after our relationship, I feel like I don't even KNOW him at all. Where is all this crap coming from and the pile of blame on me?

 

The good news? I'm going to blow some steam off on the treadmill instead of crumpling into a corner crying and overanalyzing his erratic behavior meant to make me feel like dirt.

Link to comment

He IS going to "blame" you because otherwise he'd have to confess to his girlfriend that he cheated on her willingly.

 

Besides, he knows you're still hung up on him, so you would most likely accept the blame and ANY of his terms just to keep some fragment of him in your life.

 

I presume you thought the sex would bring him back to you, declaring his love. Yep, you may deny it but it's true, you want him back and you thought you might have found a way. Maybe trying to lie to yourself by saying you could "handle" casual sex with him...but you can't.

 

It's like a crack addict thinking the way to cure their addiction is to take a hit or ten of crack. No way will that work.

 

What's wrong with you is you still value him more than you value yourself. The only way to change that mindset is to STAY AWAY and have NO CONTACT.

 

Unless you want to feel exactly the way you do right now for the next few years (or however long you're willing to be his sex only disrespected side chick)...it's best to end it, block him from contacting you, delete all contact info and start fresh.

Link to comment
Update

We were texting a bit today. Started off nice. Then I asked if he had any hope of reconciliation and he said:

 

"I don't think I can. I have many regrets from the last couple of days and still not sure how I am going to handle it."

 

I offered an opinion on a couple ways he might want to handle it and he FLIPPED. Said that relationship with none of my business (um, than can you please not talk to me about it?), that I "trapped" him. That even if things don't work out he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Then he says:

 

"So basically now I feel like you kind of trapped me knowing that I would be weak and knowing how this would play out."

 

Um... how the hell did I end up being the bad girl and it's all my fault?

 

I think you all are right. Rose colored glasses need to come off. He's never going to change. There is something WRONG with me still and I need to figure it out.

 

I can't believe that after our relationship, I feel like I don't even KNOW him at all. Where is all this crap coming from and the pile of blame on me?

 

The good news? I'm going to blow some steam off on the treadmill instead of crumpling into a corner crying and overanalyzing his erratic behavior meant to make me feel like dirt.

 

Ah man. Although I had a feeling this is what was going to happen I had hoped it wouldn't.

 

Not sure if you read my earlier post, but my ex showed me time and again who he was as a person. It took me a LONG time because I really, REALLY loved him. One day, literally out of the blue I had a realization that this jerk had shown me all along who he was but I ignored it. Once I figured it out, I was finally over him. Not only do I not miss him, but the thought of him actually makes me angry.

 

I hope you can find closure soon!

Link to comment
Maybe trying to lie to yourself by saying you could "handle" casual sex with him...but you can't.

 

Unless you want to feel exactly the way you do right now for the next few years (or however long you're willing to be his sex only disrespected side chick)

 

You know, honestly, I didn't lie to myself because I've been down this road. I'd like to give us another go, but he seems confused, etc. He mentioned that he had a regret and that maybe we should have gone to counseling.

 

But I'm not crumpled up in a ball putting myself down. I feel just sort of like "oh here we go again". Not really as mad, sad, etc. as I used to be. Not in the least.

Link to comment
You know, honestly, I didn't lie to myself because I've been down this road. I'd like to give us another go, but he seems confused, etc. He mentioned that he had a regret and that maybe we should have gone to counseling.

 

But I'm not crumpled up in a ball putting myself down. I feel just sort of like "oh here we go again". Not really as mad, sad, etc. as I used to be. Not in the least.

 

Wow..he cheated on you though? How could you ever trust this guy again? Look at what he's saying to you now?

You still want this guy?

Break ups are hard and we all have a limit..till we're "DONE" ....I guess you have to find yours...hopefully by then he hasn't walked all over you.

He's dragging you through the mud right now...front & back.

Link to comment

Update #2

 

Well that's that. We had a convo that cut short because he was at the vet. He said he would let me know when he was done. I calmed myself, took down some notes and told him I am fine if he doesn't want to reconcile and I will move on and be fine, however I resent that he demonizes ME and makes me look like the bad one. He is being completely unfair to me. And if we need need time and space to continue to get our together, explore different paths, or whatever I am FINE with that.

 

Correction: HIM to get HIS together. I'm chugging along pretty good.

 

And honestly folks, if he had pulled out a ring and said "marry me now" , I wouldn't have done it. I'm into him, and I love him (probably always will), but he's worn me down to a nub and I'm just tired of trying to figure him out. He needs to become her problem now lol.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...