Forgive me ENAs, for I have sinned... ex sex

[ThatwasThen]

Update #2

 

Well that's that. We had a convo that cut short because he was at the vet. He said he would let me know when he was done. I calmed myself, took down some notes and told him I am fine if he doesn't want to reconcile and I will move on and be fine, however I resent that he demonizes ME and makes me look like the bad one. He is being completely unfair to me. And if we need need time and space to continue to get our together, explore different paths, or whatever I am FINE with that.

 

Correction: HIM to get HIS together. I'm chugging along pretty good.

 

And honestly folks, if he had pulled out a ring and said "marry me now" , I wouldn't have done it. I'm into him, and I love him (probably always will), but he's worn me down to a nub and I'm just tired of trying to figure him out. He needs to become her problem now lol.

I'm speechless as to why you're still talking to him after the way he disrespected you.

 

Reach in and do the work you must do so that you love yourself enough to give guys like him the royal finger... not bed them and then act (key word "act") nonchalant when the talk to their girlfriend while you're still in bed with them. If you loved you, you would never have stood for that. In fact, you would have left when you knew where he was leading you with that kiss outside the restaurant. Temptation is beguiling but keeping your personal power and boundaries is far more satisfying in the long run.

[BeHeard]

You're feisty and articulate and you love sex.

 

The RIGHT man would soooo appreciate you! Without you having to share him and his body with a whatever-she-is-to-him. And without feeling the need to assign "blame".

 

I KNOW this ^^^^ yet, I do not choose this for myself. As I mentioned, I believe this poison runs deep and it's not just attributed to being in love or loving this guy. It's not HIM. It's what he REPRESENTS TO ME. Whatever that may be.

[boltnrun]

You've just GOT to get this guy to love you. Why? Who knows.

 

I was like that with my ex. He lied, cheated, spoke to me disrespectfully... in between telling me he loved me and that no one understood him the way I did. And chasing after me when I got up the nerve to leave him one time for two months.

 

I felt such extreme anxiety when he and I were apart. I was even given a leave of absence from my job due to extreme anxiety. I just HAD to get him back because, I concluded, being away from him caused the anxiety, so of course getting him back would fix it!

 

I would go to him, apologizing (even though I'd done nothing but speak up for myself) and he'd smirk and "graciously" accept me back. This continued for 4 years.

 

Lucky for me, he fell in love with someone else (a relative's girlfriend) and dumped me via email. It was over, kaput, for good this time. He loved her, not me.

 

Amazingly, I haven't suffered from anxiety since then. What I'd thought was the cure (getting him back) was actually the cause!! I haven't had one episode of anxiety since then.

 

So, while it might seem like spending time with him and having sex with him relieves your feelings of anxiety, it actually increases them.

 

Really, the only way is to stay away. I know you know this. Here's hoping this will be the last time.

[IAmFCA]

Is it possible you expect men to leave you and therfore choose men who are beneath you, as if they're less likely to leave, as a way of trying to give yourself the upper hand and assure they will stay? Of course it doesn't work because you are not well matched given the difference in quality in other measures besides self esteem with respect to the opposite sex.

 

Still... a possible theory.

[BeHeard]

Is it possible you expect men to leave you and therfore choose men who are beneath you, as if they're less likely to leave, as a way of trying to give yourself the upper hand and assure they will stay? Of course it doesn't work because you are not well matched given the difference in quality in other measures besides self esteem with respect to the opposite sex.

 

Still... a possible theory.

 

Yes. Fear of abandonment *could* be an issue, just not as you described. We have discussed this. Goes back to my childhood.

[IAmFCA]

Yes. Fear of abandonment *could* be an issue, just not as you described. We have discussed this. Goes back to my childhood.

 

Do you want to address it?

 

It was scary for me, but I am very glad I did.

[Quidam]

seriously ?!?

[catfeeder]

OP, are you still living with your husband?

[mhowe]

OP, are you still living with your husband?

 

What a minor detail...hard to believe it was omitted.

[alc16]

Anyone who says they wouldn't have sex with their ex if they could isn't be truthful.

.

 

It took me everything I had to stand sex with him the last few months we were together.. Which equaled out to maybe 3 times. I am being truthful when I say, I would never have sex with my ex.

 

Don't lump everyone together.

[Clinton]

I don't think there's any helping someone like this. They just have to crash and burn and hope that can pick up the pieces after.

[reinventmyself]

You've just GOT to get this guy to love you. Why? Who knows.

 

I was like that with my ex. He lied, cheated, spoke to me disrespectfully... in between telling me he loved me and that no one understood him the way I did. And chasing after me when I got up the nerve to leave him one time for two months.

 

I felt such extreme anxiety when he and I were apart. I was even given a leave of absence from my job due to extreme anxiety. I just HAD to get him back because, I concluded, being away from him caused the anxiety, so of course getting him back would fix it!

 

I would go to him, apologizing (even though I'd done nothing but speak up for myself) and he'd smirk and "graciously" accept me back. This continued for 4 years.

 

Lucky for me, he fell in love with someone else (a relative's girlfriend) and dumped me via email. It was over, kaput, for good this time. He loved her, not me.

 

Amazingly, I haven't suffered from anxiety since then. What I'd thought was the cure (getting him back) was actually the cause!! I haven't had one episode of anxiety since then.

 

So, while it might seem like spending time with him and having sex with him relieves your feelings of anxiety, it actually increases them.

 

Really, the only way is to stay away. I know you know this. Here's hoping this will be the last time.

 

I loved that you wrote this, boltnrun. I've been in the throws of this dynamic so many times in the past.

 

Now when I am apart (from whomever) and I feel that anxiety, I know logically that this person is bad for me but the urge to relieve the anxiety is so strong it tends to blind me from thinking logically. All you think about, is you'll do anything to make the anxiety go away and if contacting them relieves it, then that's what you'll do.

. . Until you learn better.

 

Now in those moments I am able to ask myself. .even out loud if it helps.

`Is my urge to contact him because it's a healthy, well thought out choice - Or - is my urge to contact him an attempt to lesson the anxiety.

 

I can almost always admit that it's due the anxiety. . therefore I know better not to do it. . now.

 

It wasn't always that way. It was a lot of trial and error and bad choices that got me to the other side.

[IAmFCA]

BeHeard - you have seen your therapist by now -- what are your thoughts at this point?

[BeHeard]

No. I am not still living with my STB XH. I also told him that I am postponing couples counseling and would like to extend my individual counseling. By the way I was going to give the couples counseling a try for him, but he is also aware that I still love this man and it upsets me.

 

Don't see my therapist until Monday.

 

Curious to know what the "people like this" reference was. I never admitted to being perfect, that is for certain.

 

I'm just very confused. Emotions are a complete mind f*ck.

[BeHeard]

What a minor detail...hard to believe it was omitted.

 

I didn't omit that because it wasn't relevant. If anybody wants to look through my previous posts regarding my ex husband, it's laid out in black and white.

 

It's so crazy to me that I can be served an infraction on here, but several people have free reign to be sarcastic and demeaning as hell on here.

 

I'm just a reaction to your action.

[reinventmyself]

Because someone merely asked you if you were still living with your husband??

It's a fair question and I missed where people were demeaning.

You might not like the question but your reaction is telling.

[Ms Darcy]

You are chugging along pretty good?

 

You just had sex with your ex, who texted his current girlfriend while in bed with you.

Then blamed you for leading him on when you contacted him...yet again.

 

Your denial is so deep that you are almost at the earths core.

 

I feel like there are two types of people who get so involved in drama.

 

1. People who are in too deep and once they step back they make the internal changes to have happy relationships.

2. People who LIKE and are attracted to the drama.

 

You seem to be #2 ... stemming back from your previous threads about your (still) husband and your lover. I think that colors the advice a bit. I think you've lived enough life to know better but this floats your boat so have at it and don't feel bad.

[Ms Darcy]

"Anybody feel free to comment. Whether you are going to be encouraging, supportive, or chastising. I like to post before I go to therapy then I can match up with what she says. I'm curious to know what everybody makes of this."

 

You're curious to know what everybody makes of this?

 

Well, we told you what we "make of this". And I see you don't really like what a lot of us had to say.

 

You seem articulate and like you have a lot of intelligence. Not like someone who would accept secret sex with an ex who has a girlfriend and who says mean things to you.

 

In my humble opinion, this is kind of a "click-bait" thread to get responses. It's fine but people who say they welcome any and all feedback and then present outrageous situations aren't actually looking for common sense advice. They are sort of looking for a distraction and a way to process their feelings.

 

In other words, when I've seen this, I think it's more about the OP trying to get control SOMEWHERE. She's in a crazy situation, but most people (women in this case) who are in this still run back to the guy and accept that behavior because they looove him. So, where can you get control? Pushing back on people on ENA.

 

There is not one thing anyone can say to make someone make better decisions when they are getting something that feels good out of making bad ones.

[BeHeard]

Because someone merely asked you if you were still living with your husband??

It's a fair question and I missed where people were demeaning.

You might not like the question but your reaction is telling.

 

mhowe wasn't merely asking a question. There was sarcasm involved. Again... Wrong delivery and not very constructive IMO. How did you interpret the comment? That it was coming from a caring, empathic individual?

[BeHeard]

In my humble opinion, this is kind of a "click-bait" thread to get responses. It's fine but people who say they welcome any and all feedback and then present outrageous situations aren't actually looking for common sense advice. They are sort of looking for a distraction and a way to process their feelings.

 

In other words, when I've seen this, I think it's more about the OP trying to get control SOMEWHERE. She's in a crazy situation, but most people (women in this case) who are in this still run back to the guy and accept that behavior because they looove him. So, where can you get control? Pushing back on people on ENA.

 

There is not one thing anyone can say to make someone make better decisions when they are getting something that feels good out of making bad ones.

 

Oh sweet Jesus. Can somebody direct me how to get my account deleted so you hens can continue to fluff each other's feathers and make wild conclusions?

 

The only NC I currently need is with this forum, so please, just direct me to the thread that spells this out or just spell it out here.

 

I don't want this attention taking up anymore of your time.

 

Thank you.u

[mhowe]

mhowe wasn't merely asking a question. There was sarcasm involved. Again... Wrong delivery and not very constructive IMO. How did you interpret the comment? That it was coming from a caring, empathic individual?

 

 

How is commenting on catfeeder question about you still living with your not ex husband sarcastic. It certainly was a relevant piece of information about you and your lack of boundaries.

[Clinton]

What exactly are you looking for here? You post a controversial topic asking for any and all advice, yet don't seem to want to do anything but argue with the advice given.

 

I think, despite anything anyone says, you'll continue to pursue this guy. It's your right as an adult. It doesn't make it smart of moral but it is your choice to do it.

 

My opinion is deep down you know how screwed up this all is but you don't want to face that because that means you don't get to be with this guy.

 

I sincerely hope you can straighten this out and find happiness. But like an alcoholic, until you're honestly willing to admit there's a problem, there's nothing anyone can do.

[mhowe]

I am actually flummoxed that you are paying a professional for advise and simply ignoring it.

There is no way a therapist is sanctioning any of this behavior, including dangling g couples counseling in front of your NOT ex husband and sharing THAT information with your lover.

 

The drama of this entire situation, along with you not "liking my delivery" points to your misinterpretation and skewed filters.

[IAmFCA]

OP, Years ago I took some pretty hard shots on this forum. It can be hard at times.

 

If you feel you have a personality conflict with someone who is posting on your thread, just ignore it. Getting drawn into judging how someone posts is a distraction from your goal.

 

Your goal is to explore what is going on in your personal life. Stay focused on that.

 

It would help to hear feedback on some of the advice that has been offered, so that we can help explore those ideas further.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.