Forgive me ENAs, for I have sinned... ex sex

[mhowe]

You are chugging along pretty good?

 

You just had sex with your ex, who texted his current girlfriend while in bed with you.

Then blamed you for leading him on when you contacted him...yet again.

 

Your denial is so deep that you are almost at the earths core.

[boltnrun]

So you're going to continue to talk to him, huh?

 

No big surprise.

 

BUT...you cannot complain each time you have sex with him and he "blames" you, you cannot complain about being his sex only disrespected side chick...because you know full well what you're signing up for.

 

I sure wish you valued yourself at least as much as you value him, but I guess you don't.

 

It's just really sad.

[BeHeard]

What is seriously wrong with you guys?

 

I have a really, GREAT therapist. I've been in therapy for a little under a year now shortly after we broke up. I will tell her about this on Monday. And I'll come out fine.

 

Am I not supposed to be ok and chug along? You all want me to just feel like absolute crap for some reason?

 

What is up with these wild conclusions? I'm not in denial. I'm a single adult woman who had sex with someone she had feelings for. I apologize if I am just so bored and exhausted with the drill that I've become complacent.

 

Seriously. NC might work for a lot of you, but it's not everybody's solution and I don't think you should presume it is. It just stresses me the hell out truthfully. Right now I don't feel the need to contact or talk to him. I think him and I covered everything and I'm good. I didn't know I was supposed to make some grand promise for all eternity to never talk to him because a bunch of you (none of which are qualified professionals I venture to guess, but I might be wrong) deem it "law". It's almost comical.

 

I'm not saying that NC isn't effective. But not the NC you constantly insist upon. It's not working for me period.

[mhowe]

Neither is your therapist.

[boltnrun]

"Anybody feel free to comment. Whether you are going to be encouraging, supportive, or chastising. I like to post before I go to therapy then I can match up with what she says. I'm curious to know what everybody makes of this."

 

You're curious to know what everybody makes of this?

 

Well, we told you what we "make of this". And I see you don't really like what a lot of us had to say.

 

You say no contact stresses you out and that it doesn't work for you. But do you feel that having sex with him behind his girlfriend's back and then having him blame you for it "works" for you?

 

If it does, then there's no issue.

 

You seem articulate and like you have a lot of intelligence. Not like someone who would accept secret sex with an ex who has a girlfriend and who says mean things to you.

[BeHeard]

So you're going to continue to talk to him, huh?

 

No big surprise.

 

BUT...you cannot complain each time you have sex with him and he "blames" you, you cannot complain about being his sex only disrespected side chick...because you know full well what you're signing up for.

 

I sure wish you valued yourself at least as much as you value him, but I guess you don't.

 

It's just really sad.

 

Come again? Are you telling me what I can and can't complain about? This is rich.

 

Did I mention I'm 47 and not 23? I'm a big girl, I make choices, and I pretty much own the consequences. I don't whine on here. I'm not always happy with my actions, but I find constructive ways to work on them and learn great lessons. What's sad is I don't feel like the almighty NC for all eternity is quite working for me. And frankly, a lot of people on here stress a lot of people out by IMPRESSING, not simply EXPRESSING views. And I'm fine with that.

 

Each time I've had sex with him? I've had sex with him after our relationship 3 times in a YEAR. Someone needs to get me a red letter "A" and some nettles!

 

Value myself? I think I valued myself when I made the conscious choice to realize that drinking a lot, cutting, and sitting in a garage with the engine running wasn't a good way to deal with depression so I valued myself to get a therapist. If I chose to live, I think I value myself. I think I value myself to dig through 40 years of pain and figure things out and confront them.

 

it's a process. And it's different for everyone.

[BeHeard]

Neither is your therapist.

 

Um huh? How can you presume to know this?

 

Judge not how far one has to go, but where one has come from.

 

You know nothing about my starting point, my history, or where I came from. It might do you well not to assume that I have made no progress and my therapist is a quack... no matter how empowering it makes you feel on here.

[mhowe]

That your sense of self is so low that you would sit in bed with your ex and play with your phone as he tested his current girlfriend, whose presence in his life you had full knowledge of before you jumped in said bed...says your therapist is paying you lip service.

 

That this display of such a lack of an emotional center in your life is not driving you to self harm says that your life has some meaning. Thank god.

[BeHeard]

"Anybody feel free to comment. Whether you are going to be encouraging, supportive, or chastising. I like to post before I go to therapy then I can match up with what she says. I'm curious to know what everybody makes of this."

 

You're curious to know what everybody makes of this?

 

Well, we told you what we "make of this". And I see you don't really like what a lot of us had to say.

 

You say no contact stresses you out and that it doesn't work for you. But do you feel that having sex with him behind his girlfriend's back and then having him blame you for it "works" for you?

 

If it does, then there's no issue.

 

You seem articulate and like you have a lot of intelligence. Not like someone who would accept secret sex with an ex who has a girlfriend and who says mean things to you.

 

Listen. I am truly fine with the comments, as you all should be fine with my responses. for tat.

 

I don't think I EVER SAID that having sex behind his girlfriend's (FYI, not really his girlfriend. She asked if she was that and he point blank said NO and he is not ready for that. IMO, someone that was having sex with me and said that, is sort of setting herself up... but that's another matter) back works for me. People do dumb stuff. Did I not appear regretful enough to you liking?

[BeHeard]

That your sense of self is so low that you would sit in bed with your ex and play with your phone as he tested his current girlfriend, whose presence in his life you had full knowledge of before you jumped in said bed...says your therapist is paying you lip service.

 

That this display of such a lack of an emotional center in your life is not driving you to self harm says that your life has some meaning. Thank god.

 

I have self harmed, was suicidal, that's when the therapy STARTED. I'm now alive, look forward to getting up every day, am in good shape, weaned off my meds a month ago... so I think I've made some progress. It's just not up to your expectations which, well... I don't get up in the morning to live up to. That is a blessing.

[mhowe]

Good luck.

[reinventmyself]

 

I don't think I EVER SAID that having sex behind his girlfriend's (FYI, not really his girlfriend. She asked if she was that and he point blank said NO and he is not ready for that

just sort of blinked and listened. He goes on to say that she wants him to define the relationship and he refuses to label it because he wants to "take things slow" because of issues with our relationship and he is cautious and also that "she has some quirks" that he is wondering might become a problem or issue.

 

 

This is what someone might say when they want to get you in the sack. They make the lines blurry because coming right out and saying they have a gf would not get them what they are after.

If it's not his gf in some form or fashion then why the guilt on his part, why the cover up and why the accountability to her?

People who aren't in relationships are free agents to do what they please, right?

 

You are either handling this really well, as you say. Or the reality is coming down the pipe at a later date.

I suspect the later of the two. I could be wrong but it's just a hunch.

 

I am however sorry you've gone through this. It doesn't say very much for his character.

But at the same time you definitely knew the risk at the time.

Just seems like really messy and unnecessary grief to me.

[reinventmyself]

There is a good thing there is a suicide forum on here. Do you get a commission for the weak souls whose spirits you crush and end up in that forum?

 

In all seriousness, if I were to guess, the spider vibe that I'm getting is the cheating aspect and it hit a nerve with a few people to the point that they lost sight of the big picture.

 

Que será, será.

wow. . . .

[mhowe]

There is a good thing there is a suicide forum on here. Do you get a commission for the weak souls whose spirits you crush and end up in that forum?

 

In all seriousness, if I were to guess, the spider vibe that I'm getting is the cheating aspect and it hit a nerve with a few people to the point that they lost sight of the big picture.

 

Que será, será.

 

Given your track record, I wouldn't put a lot of trust in your spider vibe. I think your senses need a bit more calibration.

[BeHeard]

Thank you reinventmyself! I was beginning to think that constructive criticism was a thing of the past on here, but you gave me a glimmer of hope!

 

I pretty much know the writing is on the wall for this one. He is a commitment phobe, always has been. I was friends with him for 9 years and I saw them come and go. You'd think I would have seen the writing on the wall then, but damn, this codependent thing I've been working on where I try to "fix" people and give them chances got in the way! So he either leaves a back door to run out of, blames the other person, or sabotages the relationship. His relationships usually do not last longer than a year in past history and he was married once for about a week when he was 23.

 

And for all of you calling him a player and I got played and he's a cheater and all this ridiculous nonsense. I've known him a VERY VERY long time as a friend. We would talk about EVERYTHING. Even though he is terrified of commitment and set in his ways, I have never seen him lie or cheat in all the time I have known him. This is unusual and bad behavior for BOTH OF US.

 

Why did we do it? I'm not sure. Our last conversation, we decided we just can't seem to figure this stuff out and it keeps on not working for whatever reason so I need to get back to me, and he needs to get back to him. Separately.

 

I mean I love him, but it has faded over the past year. Now it's just kind of this little ember sitting in a place in my heart. It's not anywhere close to the fire that I would kill myself to keep rekindling.

 

I'm just guilty of making some bad choices, and him also. Life sucks. It happens. I'm just going to try to move on and not let it define me. Before I would ruminate and do all sorts of crazy hanging on desperately to threads. I'm going to allow myself to celebrate just a little for how far I've come. It's ok. It's a party of ONE.

[mhowe]

Yup...your mistake.

[IAmFCA]

OP, I can relate to your story.

 

Eventually, NC is the only thing that feels good for me. I came to see my exBF as full of vision and intent and utterly lacking in backbone and execution. In other words, character. I came to feel I had fallen in love with a mirage. Also, I think of alcohol or addictive drugs - How important it is to recognize our limits. With him, I find it challenging to remain disengaged. I find boundaries slipping away like ice on a hill. If I can't keep my boundaries emotionally, conversationally or otherwise, than I can't be in contact in a healthy way. So, NC is necessary for me.

 

What should he have done? Said goodnight to you at the bar, in public, no kiss, and gone home by himself. If he couldn't trust himself to do that, he shouldn't have invited you out. He has let his new gal have a big claim on him very early, and he is anxious about losing her. He knows monogamy is expected of him.

 

Seeing my ex through this filter, knowing that he cheated on his gf, that he likely said stuff to help make.cheating seem okay, that he was anxious enough that it's obviously was not okay, that his anxiety reflected the mentality of someone who wants to hide rather than stand tall and tell her he isnt ready for commitment... once I saw my exbf this way, same as you can see yours, my respect for him diminished. He's not the man you think he is, and that for me was the hardest part of letting go. Acknowledging his smallness, reducing him, felt bad. And like I lost somebody. But that guy never existed.

 

I hope this helps you process.

 

I think your exbf is needy, selfish, and weak, and that he will always overlap women because he needs their affirmation more than he needs the trust of any one woman.

 

I think he was a jerk for being intimate with you, knowing that you have recently recovered from a lengthy depression.

 

Therefore, I think it's time to let him go, and to be grateful you split up. I know I know, you're special. I am too. It doesn't make us the right match for our exes. As it turns out, for that I am grateful.

[boltnrun]

I don't think you got "played". I think you knew what you were doing and you chose to do it.

 

Nothing wrong with owning your choices.

 

The only thing is, he gets to get away with blaming you for the two of you having sex (I presume you didn't drug and rape him, so how he can blame you is baffling) with no consequences.

 

I just don't see how, with all the progress you've made in getting emotionally healthy, having sex with him is a positive move. Especially when he says such lousy things to you afterward.

 

I seem to remember a thread you started where you said you saw him at an intersection and you weren't even the slightest bit tempted to contact him. I see a disconnect between then and now (what was it, about a week ago?) which is confusing.

 

Anyway, when you ask for feedback it's not always sugar coated. I know that some people don't like the blunt approach, but I'm never going to be one to blow sunshine up someone's butt.

 

Years ago, when I was still married, one of my friends said in essence "either you divorce that jerk, or you stop complaining to me about him. I'm sick of hearing you complain without doing anything about it." Harsh? You betcha. Truth? Absolutely. She was completely right and I thanked her. If it wasn't for her giving me that kick in the butt I might still be married to someone who completely disregarded me and my feelings.

 

So, while it might seem like some of us are being unfair to you, it's usually out of a desire to help.

 

It's obvious you're feisty. It would be awesome if you could use some of that feistiness to tell that guy to go pound sand next time he suggests having sex.

[reinventmyself]

So, while it might seem like some of us are being unfair to you, it's usually out of a desire to help.

 

And all feedback, good, bad or otherwise was welcomed in your opening line. .don't forget that.

[BeHeard]

I get what boltnrun and IThinkICan are saying in your last post. See... THAT is helpful to me. I suppose it is just how we receive information.

 

I'll apologize to all of you, including mhowe. Part of my frustration are that you all don't know the WHOLE story. You can't get on here and write a book. So I take that into account that you all get mere snapshots and then need to fill in the proverbial blanks based on your experiences. Then I feel like I need to say something because it is not correct (because I know all the chapters in the book) and then it just makes me seem defensive and blind.

 

I appreciated ALL YOUR OPINIONS in the thread. I got snarky because, well I'm just a big fan of "delivery". I am a teacher and I see how well meaning disciplinarians can just crush people with delivery. Keep in mind that not everyone on this forum can take hits as well as I. I'm sure there is a lot of desperate sounds who lurk and are intimidated to post because of some of the "delivery".

 

That being said. Clearly I KNOW I did something wrong. I KNOW that I am confused. I KNOW more than several things are fundamentally wrong with my connection with this guy in general. I KNOW this isn't easy.

 

And mhowe.... there is a really good chance that my psychologist IS good... I am just not taking her advice, and she can't make me.

 

There is still a lot of figuring out to do. I'm just muddling through this like so many others do. I throw my pain and shame on here as an outlet. It helps sometimes.

 

Really I get MUCH of the obvious that was posted on here. I'm not an idiot. But I do like happen to like who I am becoming with all these hard lessons, and I am not the hopeless tramp that I feel like I am being painted up to be.

[boltnrun]

You're feisty and articulate and you love sex.

 

The RIGHT man would soooo appreciate you! Without you having to share him and his body with a whatever-she-is-to-him. And without feeling the need to assign "blame".

[browneyedgirl36]

Update

We were texting a bit today. Started off nice. Then I asked if he had any hope of reconciliation and he said:

 

"I don't think I can. I have many regrets from the last couple of days and still not sure how I am going to handle it."

 

I offered an opinion on a couple ways he might want to handle it and he FLIPPED. Said that relationship with none of my business (um, than can you please not talk to me about it?), that I "trapped" him. That even if things don't work out he doesn't want a relationship with me.

 

Then he says:

 

"So basically now I feel like you kind of trapped me knowing that I would be weak and knowing how this would play out."

 

Um... how the hell did I end up being the bad girl and it's all my fault?

 

I think you all are right. Rose colored glasses need to come off. He's never going to change. There is something WRONG with me still and I need to figure it out.

 

I can't believe that after our relationship, I feel like I don't even KNOW him at all. Where is all this crap coming from and the pile of blame on me?

 

The good news? I'm going to blow some steam off on the treadmill instead of crumpling into a corner crying and overanalyzing his erratic behavior meant to make me feel like dirt.

 

He's NOT a good person at all. Here's your proof. Hope you can move forward from him quickly.

[mhowe]

I often find that user names are very informative.

 

You want to...Be Heard.

You don't want to be told what to do.

For some reason, you learn from painful lessons.

Such is your journey.

[ChasingHope]

You are either handling this really well, as you say. Or the reality is coming down the pipe at a later date.

I suspect the later of the two. I could be wrong but it's just a hunch.

 

I am however sorry you've gone through this. It doesn't say very much for his character.

But at the same time you definitely knew the risk at the time.

Just seems like really messy and unnecessary grief to me.

 

I suspect the reality hitting hard later as well, given the OP's previous posts (the OP and the ex passed each other in their cars, she claimed to feel nothing; but later posted it served as an emotional trigger).

 

OP, I too have had to learn my lessons the hard way. I hope that when you finally see the cold hard truth, you're able to work thru it.

[BeHeard]

For some reason, you learn from painful lessons.

Such is your journey.

 

Yes. You are correct. I'm just trying to figure out (through therapy) WHY and WHAT is in me that chooses painful paths. It's a conscious choice that defies all logic at times.