onelittleladybug

I can relate to how you're feeling. Its really hard to accept what the other person does when you are apart when you didn't want to break up in the first place. But the thing is, you were broken up and that means she could do whatever she wants and so did you. Another thing is - you should NEVER ask questions if you're not ready to hear the answer and be ok with it. My advice to you is to take your time and don't rush back. Talk about everything. Let her earn your trust again but don't make too hard on her. Most likely you are feeling bad about this because for you the reality of the breakup had not sunk in yet. Keep in mind that its possible that she did this to try to forget you. I did after my breakup only 6 weeks in. I think my ex knows about it and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him even when he was the dumper.

I cant speak for DN but I totally agree with his answer that he gave you and I think its a really good advice that you should listen to. The thing is you have to pick your battles. This woman may have given you a lot of trouble in the past but right now, under these circumstances, she is going through what is most likely the hardest things shes ever been through and that changes everything. She may usually be the bad guy but right now its you. You could become the bigger person here if you could just bury all your resentment, at least for now. Its true that I don't know you and I don't know your situation all that well but it doesn't sound like you are showing your best side here. She is in pain and I really doubt she has the desire, the energy or the clarity in thought to seduce your boyfriend under these circumstances. Smart women know that the best way to deal with a woman who wants your man is to befriend her. If you're really worried about losing him to her then just get over there, buy her flowers on the way and tell her that if she needs any help you are there for her. That way when he is there, you are there too. But aside from that - her brothers death should be a reminder of whats really important and what isn't. And yes - I have totally had to deal with the ex from hell. When the ex went all crazy I never tried to get back to her. I was angry, I was hurt. I told my bf I'd prefer he didnt talk to her if she kept saying really horrible things about me but I cant control him and I understand they were friends before I came along. Guess who got the guy. I did.

I just caught up with this thread. I don't really have a milder way to say this but... I don't think that your boyfriend is in any way cheating on you nor is there anything wrong with him consoling his girlfriend of 5 years (just think of this, theres a reason for the friend part of the word girlfriend). However I think you should really be careful at this point as I personally find your attitude so cold and lacking in sensitivity that I wouldn't be surprised if your accusations actually ended up having the effect that you so worry about. It doesn't matter if she has feelings for him or not. Nothing would happen anyway if he doesn't have feelings for her. You say she has no right to make her problems yours. That right there sounds like you think you have ownership over your boyfriend. Your bf is his own person. He has a past and emotional ties outside your relationship. Try to cut them off and you will find yourself alone. Ive been in a relationship where I wasn't given the trust that I deserved and I can tell you right now that when someone accuses you of something you didn't do or have no intentions of doing, there comes a point where you think that you could just as well just do the thing you're being accused of. I never cheated - but at some point I really thought "what does it matter if I do it or not if he wont believe me and wont trust me?" Have you ever lost someone really close to you? Do you know how it feels and how devastating it is? When my ex roommate lost her dad I picked her up at the airport and stayed with her for many days. I would do it for anyone close to me including all my exes if they asked. I hope you think about this and I also hope you NEVER find yourself in the same position as your boyfriends ex. Its kinda strange how life catches up with you. You might want to think about putting better things out there.

I dont know your story but I think this letter is really nice. Its respectful and thoughtful and It sounds like she is aware that there are always at least two sides to every story. My advice is definitely to talk to her. I can also hear a removed tone but I have to say that reaching out like this must be really hard. I know I personally wouldnt be able to do it without being guarded at the same time.

If you've missed your period its not too early to take a test. Also - most of them have 2 tests in the box so if something goes wrong with the first one you just do it again a couple days later. I know how hard this is and that you almost want to not know. But you sound like you're over-thinking this and procrastinating. If it makes you feel better, its very common for women to get their period late when they are under emotional stress or to experience irregularities. I know a woman who actually got her period back way after menopause during a really devastating and traumatizing death in the family. Its not at all unusual to be late with your period if you are breaking up. But... basically... stop thinking about it and just do the test. If its negative you can go ahead and start the pill again tonight.

Hi Elithepi - A question - have you been out on a date yet and found yourself comparing them to the ex or are you just worried that you will do that? Its been 8 months since my breakup and after a miserable attempt on a fling with a friend right after the breakup I decided to really take my time before getting out there again. I finally went out on a first date last night. I was sooooo nervous and I was dreading it for over a week before, losing sleep and everything. The guy was so different from my ex that there was no risk of me even trying to compare them. I actually had a good time! It wasn't anything I could imagine turning into a serious relationship at any point but he was smart and fun to talk to and that was enough for me for now as I cant really deal with much more. Baby steps. On my way home I was elated - I felt so good about myself for finally doing this and taking that step. I sent the guy an email and told him I had a good time and would like to see him again and he hasnt responded. Im fine with that, not feeling rejected or anything. I'm pretty sure he thought I was guarded (he kinda said so) but you know what - its ok! I had no expectations whatsoever. The most important thing for me is that Ive made a progress and taken a step forward. So in answer to your question - just dont set a bar. Start by just getting out there and meeting new people. Setting a bar applies to relationship, not one date. On my way to the date last night I kept thinking "its just a date, its just a date". That really made it a lot easier. There is someone out there that is as wonderful as your ex but being that you sound like you're not completely over her, its probably best that you don't find that certain someone just yet cause you might not notice.

I know that before I moved to Southern California from Iceland I was dying to find someone to move with me. And I was pretty quick to find a bf about 2 months later when here. He of course was a complete a-hole and there was no future in it. The thing is its hard to see these things while you're right in the middle of it. Some people don't believe that relationships need work, they think that the reason things are tough is that they're with the wrong person. In my opinion those are the people tend to have 2 year relationships. Did you know that statistically people most often break up around the 2 year mark? Its because thats when the reality of the relationship takes over. I know that wasn't your case but its interesting huh? I think her moving will throw her grieving process off and extend it. Like you said - she will be busy with a lot of new things. When finally the mundane reality sinks in it will finally hit her. Most likely you will be in a much better place with all this before her. Thats only a prediction but thats what I'm guessing though.

She is not coming back unless she is and until then she isn't. Does that make sense? It means whatever you see right now is what it is. And a warning: Her moving will in my experience feel like breaking up all over again. I thought I shouldn't do NC because of my ex moving 850 miles away. We lived together. It was not easy. It happened 2.5 months post breakup. It sent me right back to square one again except I forgot how angry and hurt I was for a while. It was hell on earth and it made everything so much worse even if I thought I was prepared. So my advice to you: NC NC NC. Learn from my mistakes. My only regret is not starting NC immediately after the breakup and sticking with it even when he left. It took me 6 months to go into full NC, but I was a few weeks into NC when he left and we decided to spend some time together and say goodbye and that destroyed me for months. He sent me a love letter when he arrived and I thought it meant we would get back together... He didn't, the letter was just inspired by the drama of the goodbye. I'm just warning you. This situation you're in SUCKS. I'm very sorry. But the good news is it can only get better from here. On a lighter note - I was completely devastated by the breakup but I tried to start something 6 weeks after. It was stupid and a bad judgment and it didn't turn into anything. Sometimes rebounds turn into something but most of the time they are just a really bad idea. Is her new guy going with her? And how long were you together?

I guess all I'm saying is - try to find the real and true reason behind all this. Yes she could be materialistic and high maintenance but she could also be reading a lot into all this and think it means you don't care enough. There were times when I wondered if my ex didn't just propose to me because he was jealous and insecure because right after our engagement he froze with the rest of the wedding planning process. Then when his mom gave him the lecture about how all women deserve a big diamond it bugged me a lot but I also knew she was just saying it because she loved me and wanted her son to give me only the best. Sometimes people do (really) stupid things. Heck I don't know why people buy seriously expensive cars they really cant afford and thats way more than $600 over budget. However - if this is a recurring theme with you and her, you probably need to address the issue. And to Batya - just a food for thought: You mentioned how she didn't offer to chip in for the ring. But when you think of it - why would she? She is the one who is wearing a ring that symbolizes she is taken and not he. If she chipped in - wouldn't the only thing that made sense to buy him a ring? And then who knows what kinda ring she would get him?

I didnt read your old thread so I dont have the background of your problems. I cant say that I disagree with all your other responses, I kinda agree. This whole materialism behind all the engagement/wedding thing is kinda disgusting and personally not my style. But I wanted to provide a different side of the story just because its always good to look at things from many sides... When I got engaged we had the opposite problem - there was a pressure from his family to get me a big ring and I hate jewelry thats really expensive but mass made and nothing personal. I found a ring for $300 that we had custom made for me even if it was in that low price range. I didn't want him to spend too much money on a ring but I REALLY DID care what it looked like. I spent on average 2 hrs a day for 2 months online looking for a ring. I never imagined this could ever be such a big deal for me. This is why I tell you I never want to be engaged again but thats another story. Now - I realized theres a reason why wedding bands are so simple. Im not kidding! But the thing is... When she is thinking of her ring she is thinking of something that she is going to be showing your kids and your grandchildren AND on top of that she has to WEAR it every day at least until you're married or even a lot longer. I wish my ex had worn my ring and then maybe he would understand how this can be so complicated. I could not for the life of me find a ring that matched my personality. I was lucky I found it for $300 but in all honesty it could have been $3000. Seriously it was just luck. So thats why Im tempted to tell you that for only $600, if the ring is right for her I think you should do it. Remember - she most likely sees this as the only engagement ring she will ever wear. I wasn't one of those girls who fantasized about their engagement rings or weddings and still it became a big deal for me. The thing is most girls think about these things a lot. And in that sense, what is $600? Thats 2 weeks rent where I live. I agree with everyone else though that this cant be about a ring. There has to be something more behind this. So if you are going to break up with her over all this - do yourself and her a big favor and come clean about what you're really breaking up over.

I have to agree with Mr. Stealth: I think we all re-write history to make sense out of the loss. I think basically you get a few shots at it and for those who don't work out we have to rationalize why we messed up a perfectly good relationship. So we come up with all this stuff about how the ex wasnt the right one and how the new one is much better. But thats ok too because the important part is that we learn and at some point we get it right. I don't think its so much about the next one being more "right for you" as you being better for them. The bad news is that you will definitely repeat some of your mistakes. The good news is that maybe you will do less of it.

I don't know if this helps you at all - but I told my ex that I wasn't ready to be friends and didn't know if I ever would be but if he changed his mind and wanted to try again then I hope he gives me a call and maybe it wont be too late. So for me its a simple situation now, he knows where I stand on the friendship issue so if he calls its more likely that he wants reconciliation than to be friends. I'm also prepared that he could call after a couple months and think I'm over it and ready to be friends, and then I will just repeat the whole thing. I did this because there was a lot of ambiguity and confusion after the breakup. I know this is very cut and dry and oversimplified and he probably doesn't like that at all but... We aren't together anymore so its not my responsibility to accommodate his needs. Only mine. Personally I'm not doing this to get him back. I am totally ready to move on. But a few months ago someone posted here about someone doing something like this and they did end up getting back together with their ex.

Martial - I didnt start NC until 6 months after the breakup. But I can tell you it has really helped me so far. Hope that helps.

Thats really cool katman. Its awesome that you read this when you're down. Since my breakup, I keep focusing on this line which has become kinda like my mantra: "You create what you focus on". That means that if I focus on the pain of the breakup, the anger etc... Then I am creating more of it. But if I focus on positive things and have faith in the future, then thats what my energy is dedicated to building.

LBL: Hehehe - me too