Lesbian Friend. Wrong Reaction?

[itsallgrand]

Yall are leaving for college in a couple months right?

 

Wow, your friend has guts. Telling you even though she knew there would be negative concequences for her - with 'gay being pretty much the worse thing you can be' in your school.

 

I think of it like this:

How cool and admirable is it to have a friend who has guts like that?! I like her without even knowing her, for doing that.

 

How much she must care about you and your friendship, and being honest with you, to tell you?! Lots. 'Cause it would have been a lot easier for her to keep her mouth shut until she was gone to college and didn't have to deal with this school and the discrimination there.

 

It's ok if you are mad, confused, and whatever else. I'm sure she was expecting some reactions.

But, why not give her the opportunity to hear it from you just as she gave you the info to you directly?

 

She was a friend of yours for a long time. Do you want to lose that ...say, thinking 2 years down the line even? How would you feel looking back on this if you turn away from her now?

 

Soccer teams come and go. Though the drama of your school and all these people putting so much pressure to 'all think and do the same thing' , she has dared to be herself and an individual.

 

What about you?

 

It can be worked out. Going out for dinner together sounds like a good start. Good luck.

[Cadence308]

In your thread you go on and on about how creeped out by your lesbian friend you are. Then in the next sentence you say that you are not homophobic. I'm sorry, but that is so hypocritical.

 

Your friend needs you right now and she probably didn't ever want you to know about her sexual orientation because she didn't want you to treat her any differently. I know because I'm a lesbian and I've been wanting to tell one of my best friends for a while now. She has friends who are gay and lesbian, so I'm pretty sure that she would be open to it. But, then again, her and I have been friends for 22 years, have slept in the same bed together, changed clothes in front of each other, etc. It might be different for her to find out that I'm a lesbian, but I really want her to know because there's a part of my life that is a complete secret to her and I'm sick of the little white lies. I want her to know how I am and accept me. I guarantee you that this friend of yours feels the same way I do.

 

Just because she likes women and wants to be in romantic relationships with women does not mean that she has ever wanted that with you, wanted to be with you in that way, or ever looked at you sexually. If you think she has just because she's a lesbian, you couldn't be futher from the truth. Doesn't mean she's attracted to every woman!

 

And the sooner you can get over your disgust and your homophobia and accept your friend and respect that she had the guts to come out to you, the sooner you can help break down the homophobic barriers in society.

[fnlyfrei]

I go to a private school in Newport Coast. Most of the kids that go there are of the same mold, rich and either smart, beautiful, or athletic, sometimes all of those things. Our school is not diverse at all. I think people get so used to how things are as soon as somethings differnt its like a huge thing.

 

 

As soon as you finish college...you might find out the REAL WORLD is not like your little circle. It is diverse...and if you let yourself out into the bigger world, you will become a much more open-minded, multi-faceted person. And even those rich, smart, beautiful and athletic kids are not perfect. Sometimes they enter into society and fall flat on their faces....and run back to mummy and daddy. I guess what irritates me is that the privileged sometimes think they are superior somehow. Without their money or rich families, they aren't any different than anyone else.

[Scout]

I realize that it's hard for her. I've tried to just think about the times shes been there and the good things but I'm finding it hard to even think of her as that person. I don't know why I can't just get over this but she's been lying to me for so long and she's basically had a whole part of her life I didn't know anything about. It just makes me think how much do I really know about her.

 

I understand, but try and keep in mind she probably lied because she knew there was a good chance you would be disgusted and creeped out...as you are admitting to feeling now. Can you imagine the hell she has probably put herself through for a good deal of her life, having to carry such a secret around? And now that she is finally being honest with herself and her friends...your reaction is probably justifying her earlier fears?

 

I know you don't mean to, but you're basically punishing her for being honest, even though you say you are mad that she lied.

[Scout]

I go to a private school in Newport Coast. Most of the kids that go there are of the same mold, rich and either smart, beautiful, or athletic, sometimes all of those things.

 

There are lots of rich, smart, beautiful, athletic people who also happen to be gay. I guarantee there are a lot more kids in your school who are gay than you realize, too. Many will come out of the closet at some juncture, some will choose not to, because of their fears of being cast out of their social circles.That's a very valid fear, by the way...however, my feeling is if people will stop being your friend because you are gay, then you're better off without them. There are lots more open-minded people in the world to hang out with.

 

That is not to say I think you will do that. I feel you do care about your friend, you're just kind of in a state of shock at the moment. You wouldn't even be posting here if you had made up your mind already to drop her as a friend. Your conflicting feelings are natural, in my opinion.

[avman]

I think you and all your friends would seriously benefit from a course in diversity. You are all acting like the absolute worst thing in the world is that your friend is actually gay. You are going to have to get used to the fact that there are really big differences in people's views, religions, race, and sexual orientation. But that doesn't make them any less of a person.

 

Your friend still has feelings you know. I'm sure it's killing her that all of you are now ostricizing her after she finally trusted you enough to tell you her sexual orientation. Do you think perhaps the reason she has not told any of you is that she was afraid you would react exactly how you are reacting.

[jengh]

I think you and all your friends would seriously benefit from a course in diversity. You are all acting like the absolute worst thing in the world is that your friend is actually gay. You are going to have to get used to the fact that there are really big differences in people's views, religions, race, and sexual orientation. But that doesn't make them any less of a person.

 

.

 

I agree completely. I think a course in diversity would do wonders.

Like you, I grew up in a very affluent community full of conservatives where all the kids got brand new cars at 16 and the likes. I was floored when I went away to college in a big city (Lansing) where poverty IS an issue. Where being gay is VERY common.

Get out there and educate yourself (yourselves) even on different religions. Where I grew up, being Jewish was just weird and being anything else wasn't even heard of. When you go to college, assuming you're going, take a World Religions course. It's fascinating. Or some cultural anthropology course. You'll be shocked at what's out there.

I thought I was well-travelled and culturally informed, as I had traveled to Europe and all over North America but I wasn't. Not at all.

[musicguy]

I think you and all your friends would seriously benefit from a course in diversity. You are all acting like the absolute worst thing in the world is that your friend is actually gay. You are going to have to get used to the fact that there are really big differences in people's views, religions, race, and sexual orientation. But that doesn't make them any less of a person.

 

Your friend still has feelings you know. I'm sure it's killing her that all of you are now ostricizing her after she finally trusted you enough to tell you her sexual orientation. Do you think perhaps the reason she has not told any of you is that she was afraid you would react exactly how you are reacting.

 

I agree completely with you. Everyone is different, everyone is human and has feelings. Sure, all of us maybe have a different style of clothing, have a different religion or sexual orientation, etc..but when it all comes down to it, we are all human beings in this world and that's what makes each and everyone unique. If we were all the same this place would be boring. As judgemental as people can be, we should learn to accept people for who they are and I know that it's hard to do..I too am guilty of being judgemental, but being close-minded or narrow minded is not good at all

[Siriana]

Has it ever occurred you she doesn't like you as a potential partner. MAybe you're not even sexy to her?lol

 

If she never behaved innapropriate toward you that means she respects you.

 

And it's her personal decision to reveal her sexual orientation or not - she doesn't owe you that.

 

After reading about your school do you really think it would be smart of her if she told that during the first year?

 

Maybe even for her it was little bit weird for you taking your shirt off but at the time she wasn't ready to say she's gay. What was she supposed to say: hey, don't take your shirt off, I'm a lesbian?lol

Try to change the way your mind is programmed.

All those people from your school...they're bad example to tell you the truth. You can and need to be different.

The sad thing is the way they got their expencive school they'll get their expecive protected life too. How sad. They'll be one of those people who are despised by regular people.

And if something happens in their very expecive private lifes (read: they end up in non elit non expencive word) they'll be completely lost.

Unfortunately a very small amount of them really gets the portion of reality....

[DN]

I think you did the absolute best thing in posting about your problem on this forum. You must have been conflicted and it is not easy for someone who comes from a background like yours to even have the common-sense to realise that your first reaction may not have been the best one.

 

So good for you.

 

So - what are your next steps? This may be the first time but it will not be the last time that you are faced with a moral dilemma and hard choices. How you proceed now may set the course for how you live the rest of your life.

 

You have a lot going for you. You are good-looking, obviously intelligent, you seem to be popular and you come from a privileged background - you have a lot of gifts and much for which to be grateful.

 

Maybe now is the time those gifts have to be paid for - at least in part. You are being tested - and have to decide, on your own, what the test is and if you can pass it.

 

Good luck to you. Think long and hard. But read this first:

 

First They Came for the Jews

 

First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me

and there was no one left

to speak out for me.

 

Pastor Martin Niemöller

[Scout]

I think you did the absolute best thing in posting about your problem on this forum. You must have been conflicted and it is not easy for someone who comes from a background like yours to even have the common-sense to realise that your first reaction may not have been the best one.

 

So good for you.

 

 

I hope I got that accross too, actually. I said something along these lines, but it was more towards the end of my second post, and I do hope the OP caught it.

[all about us]

First They Came for the Jews

 

First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists

and I did not speak out

because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me

and there was no one left

to speak out for me.

 

Pastor Martin Niemöller

This really makes me think how self-centered people can be.

 

Brooke: I think you should follow what almost everyone here has told you. Trust me, it doesn't feel good to trust your deepest and most delicate feelings to someone you consider a "friend" and then find out those "friends" were all fake. If you are really her friend, stay by her side in the soccer team and show your teammates she is still the same person you all knew for the past years.

[aquatic]

Hi, Brooke.

 

Though your initial reaction to her was less than ideal, what's more important is that you're open to discussing how you feel about it and what to do next.

 

Lots of good advice here. All I can add to it are these two things for you to think about:

 

1. Do you really consider her a friend? Not the friend you can just hang out or go to parties with, but do really feel her friendship is valuable to you, it adds something to your life? If yes, give her the trust and respect she gave you (entrusting you with the truth knowing the repercussions).

 

2. I can understand why you're getting freaked out about something considered so taboo in your circle. But when other people see how her OWN friends manage to look past her being gay, it's a great start for them climb down the bandwagon.

 

Life is much bigger than your schoolyard. Your school cliques may be chummy and all that now, but years from now, say 10 years, only a handful of these people will still be in your life, your real friends. Do you see this friend as one those handful? If yes, stick up for her and support her wrt to being ostracized by others. Focus on your friendship and not on what others think. It will say a lot about your friendship and, more importantly, it will say a lot about you.

[applejack]

I understand that this has been shocking for you. But there are a few things that I want for you to know:

 

1. Just because she has seen you change does not mean that she has lusted after you. I had "those feelings" for about 12 years before I told my best friend. She was just that....a friend. I never looked at her that way.

 

2. She didn't intentionally mislead you. Telling you took a lot of courage, and she apparently felt like she could trust you.

 

3. The only difference between yourself and her, is that she prefers to share her intimacy with a woman. She is still the same person.

 

4. It is a biological thing. It is not something that she chose, or wanted out of life. She cannot control it.

 

Please try to be open-minded about this.

[Brooke657]

In your thread you go on and on about how creeped out by your lesbian friend you are. Then in the next sentence you say that you are not homophobic. I'm sorry, but that is so hypocritical.

It's not that I have a problem with gay people it's that my best friend just told me this out of nowhere and I'm sorry but I was a little thrown off by it.

[Brooke657]

Just wanted to update you guys a little. I did go out to dinner with her and my other best friend last night. Don't get me wrong things are a little more then awkward but hopefully it'll get less awkward. I've never had a best friend that was a lesbian so I don't really know how it's supposed to be. I think our school should start like a gsa or something. I graduate this year but hopefully someone else would keep it going. I think our school has been so close minded for so long and I never really thought about it because it never affected me. Not the best timing in the world but better late then never I guess.

[Dako]

I'm glad to hear you're doing better.

I'm sure your friend appreciates your support and friendship.

[Brooke657]

When I posted this I hadn't really thought about it at all but now that I've had some time to just kind of sit down and think about it and talk about it it's not really that bad. I mean as long as shes not hitting on me or anything I guess it doesn't really matter.

[musicguy]

Yeahhh. My best friend is gay and he doesn't look at me in a sexual manner, he looks at me as his friend and his support system. Having an open-mind can really open peoples eyes about the things around them that they are afraid ot see

[Flux]

Well sorry but I think you reacted out of order. I'm straight and if one of my friends told me they were gay I wouldn't have reacted like that. So wht you've changed in front of her and shared a bed with her. Did anything happen, nope! and I doubt that she would've gone home and had a wank about you, your her friend! lol

 

To be honest mate, you need to talk to her, and not get angry with her. Its obviously a hard time for her, and your bieng selfish and only caring about what you think and how it affects you.

 

Shes still your friend, and I dow see why your so freaked out...Understandibly if she had tried it on with you it would be a different situation. But she hasnt so its not.

 

I just think you overreacted a bit.

[Iceman26]

I can understand your initial reaction. If I was in a situation like yours, I would feel a little odd too, given that you were unclothed around her and all.

 

However, just because she happens to like women doesn't make her any less of a friend to you.

 

Good luck with everything there.

[PocoDiablo]

Interesting.

 

Here's the other side of it. Recently my wife and I confided with her brother some personal information (no, not gay/lesbian, but pretty heavy duty). Well, it got spread through the whole family, and this is what we thought was amazing:

 

Her brother, who was her best friend, completely and utterly betrayed her. This was a major loss for her.

Her father, who she is exceptionally close to, pretty much cut her off. No big surprise, apparently.

HOWEVER, her mother, who has always been distant and uncaring, fully spoke to her and I, asked lots of questions, and REALLY took the time to understand what was going on, and in the end while she doesn't agree with our decision, FULLY supports it.

 

In the end, I told my wife "Your true friends are the ones who are there for you during the hard times."

 

And you know what, just because your friend came out doesn't mean she's attracted to you, or any of your other friends either. I mean, heck, if she wants to see a naked woman all she has to do is look in the mirror. For a lesbian, the MIND tends to be the most beautiful thing.

 

In my opinion, gays and lesbians are truly more enlightened people, because they are faced with dealing with people who say they are your friend, and then when the truth comes out these people scatter like birds. When that happens, you are thrust into a different group of people. At that point, we have found the next group of people tend to be VERY smart, very capable, and very intelligent.

 

I personally think you are denying yourself an excellent opportunity to sit down and talk to her, to learn what she is going through, and to see the world through the eyes of someone who is being shunned. I think you would be well served to at least sit down and talk with her. I mean, you can sit and talk to men, but not a lesbian? So what if she saw your body? I'm sure she cares less about what you look like compared to the intellectual and emotional bond you shared.

 

Who knows, maybe some day you will share a secret with your friends and family, and they will not agree, and then where will you be?

[Brooke657]

Well sorry but I think you reacted out of order. I'm straight and if one of my friends told me they were gay I wouldn't have reacted like that. So wht you've changed in front of her and shared a bed with her. Did anything happen, nope! and I doubt that she would've gone home and had a wank about you, your her friend! lol

 

To be honest mate, you need to talk to her, and not get angry with her. Its obviously a hard time for her, and your bieng selfish and only caring about what you think and how it affects you.

 

Shes still your friend, and I dow see why your so freaked out...Understandibly if she had tried it on with you it would be a different situation. But she hasnt so its not.

 

I just think you overreacted a bit.

and apparently you didn't read anything on this thread except the first post.

[Brooke657]

Just to give everyone an update on this because apparently Brooke isn't going to they fixed whatever it was that was messed up.

 

I didn't even know people were still posting on this.

[JadedStar]

It was kind of rude of her to lie to me about it and then just one day randomly tell me oh yeah by the way I'm a lesbian.

 

Rude of her? Look at your reaction you wrote about in your first post. Don't you think that is probably why she hesitated?

 

TO be honest, I thought you were possibly a lesbian when I saw your avatar pic. It was just a random thought when I saw your avatar on a different thread. Point is tho, it doesn't matter. People are people.

 

And that is how you should view your friend. Friends keep this sort of thing a secret for the EXACT reasons as you described. You are already feeling creepy about maybe taken your shirt off in front of her. She knew you would react differently to her.

 

I say give her a lot of respect because it is a VERY hard thing for a person to cmoe out to those closest to them. Don't make this even harder for her. Just because someone is a gay male or lesbian DOES NOT mean they want to jump the bones of every same sexed person they know. That is a really strange concept people have. And no I am not gay, I am straight but have friends who have come out and it is very very hard on them. It is a bit egotistical for us to think our friends have been thinking about jumping our bones the whole time. She is the one who is going to have a real rough go at life, but you seem to just be worried about your reaction. You are not alone a lot of people do this, but hopefully by now you have already realized this and taken steps to resolve it.

 

I might have come into this thread late, but it was active today so I thought i'd post my thoughts.