Rejected sexual advance; he broke up with me

[luciddreamer]

Hi,

 

I was going out with this guy, 31, smart, phd student, we got along great for 2 months. we hit it off on mutual values and interests. Very intellectually compatible. I was struck by how he didn't try to touch me or anything the first month.. just kisses on the cheek. Slowly we started getting more physical and the last five or so time some kissing and cuddling. We spent four nights together at his place or mine just holding each other mostly. It felt great.

 

Last weekend, we were making out and it suddenly went from base #1 to trying to "steal home~"! What i mean is he was touching me down there and got my underwear off. I was so confused given what had come before and said some things like 'aren't we skipping some steps' but i don't think he understood. I was bewildered but it felt good so he could tell i was into it --even though i moved his hand off me a few times and said those things.

 

He then takes off his underwear and tries to penetrate me... I freaked. My bad, i didn't handle it too smoothly. I was shocked. Not only had we gone too fast, had not talked about being intimate, about past partners, about where we were going... there was no contraception around to speak of either. I tried to cover the awkwardness by telling him these things but he was not hearing it. He felt really awkward and left.

 

The thing is he used to have severe social anxiety (was on meds at one point) and i guess this was a huge rejection. We hadn't talked for a while and though he saID via text that it was ok...he just wanted more intimacy /conection but 'i guess i read wrong'... i could sense his distance. i dropped a letter off last night at his house telling him how much i value what was building with us and explaining i was sorry, reiterating that it wasn't a rejection so much as time and circumstance, that i wanted to just make sure we were both serious about pursuing this with each other because intimacy is a pretty big deal to me.

 

he wrote me back and focused on being embarrassed and feeling crappy about that moment. then he said he doesn't have time for a relationship anyway since school pressures are major, that he has learned not to base happiness on a relationship, and 'it would be cool if we could just be friends.'

 

i am absolutely crushed that it all came down to that when everything else was so perfect. I know he really liked me because the way he looked at me and the time we spent just getting to know each other, introducing me to his friends, etc. i think he thought my rejection of his sexual advance meant i did not feel close enough to him, which is not true, emotionally i did but not physically and not without talking about it/taking precautions.

 

any advice on what to do, especially from those with social anxiety, would be appreciated! thanks for listening.

 

PS yes, i read his letter on valentine's day.

[DN]

It seems neither of you handled it very well. Freaking like that may have made him very concerned about a sexual assault charge and the embarrassment tends to be a relationship killer. Usually it is best to let the sexual boundaries be known before they are reached.

 

I think you have done all you can to retrieve the situation. Even if what he is saying now is an excuse you have to proceed as if it were true. It's a shame and I am sorry but I think you have to let this go now.

[robowar]

He definitely sees it as a big rejection... he most likely had faced a lot of it in his life and is highly sensitive to it, hence his SAD. There's a good chance that he couldn't tell if he was progressing too slowly sexually and so he impulsively "stole home" in order to compensate. At this point, he probably thinks that the relationship is permanently damaged and he feels like he made such a big mistake that it could never be fixed. If you really want this guy back, then you need to impress upon him that this is just a learning point and that you don't think any less of him. Let him know that you'll try to communicate with him more effectively so nothing like this happens again. Most importantly, make sure he knows that you don't think he's a failure. If you do all these things and let him know how badly you want him back but he still refuses, then it's out of your hands and I guess he really isn't ready for a relationship.

[Caldus]

Hey, sorry to hear about your situation.

 

I am somewhat of a socially anxious person.

 

Honestly though, I can't see how this situation only applies to guys with SA. I think this happens more often than you think. Lots of guys' agendas are to eventually get into your pants. I think you're right that he was going way too fast with it all. He could've at least talked about it with you first.

 

This is kind of tough. Maybe you could try to email/call him one more time and just let him know that you are willing to eventually take that step, but that it just takes time for you (and that you want to discuss it all with him beforehand too). Emphasize that you didn't mean to reject him in any way but that you were nervous about skipping so many bases like that. But I mean what you have already done seems like it is sufficient as far as what you could have done.

 

Good luck either way.

[caro33]

I tend to agree with DN. This may hurt, and I'm sorry, but it's worth chalking up to experience and moving on. He really doesn't sound like he's in the right headspace to be with you.

[Batya33]

For what it's worth - sounds like he was focused on having sex with you despite his anxiety, hence leaving to the side all the niceties such as talking about it, going through the other "bases" - etc - and yes he was awkward and too fast, etc. I also think part of him sabotaged it - sort of like "ok ok I am going to go for it no matter what!" knowing that approaching it that way might put you off.

 

I agree with DN about letting someone know about boundaries. Before I invite a new man to my home or go to his I tell him straight out in one sentence or less - before we are alone and fooling around - "I am not ready to have sex with you yet." It's never easy to say, but I'm always glad I did.

[luciddreamer]

That is a hard lesson I learned... based on the first three times i thought there would be a little fooling around but no way in the "ballpark" for sex. I'll never make the "unclear boundaries" mistake again. Thanks

[hosswhispra]

Something similar to this happened to me (clothes never came off though) and we were able to smooth things out. I think if you explain your specific physical boundaries to him it will work out.

[DN]

I think that once underwear comes off it is not an unreasonable expectation that sex will follow. And the act of removing two sets gives adequate time for a 'boundary check'.

[luciddreamer]

Hmm perhaps more like I made such a big mistake it could never be fixed? Hmm come to think of it he never acknowledged in the ltr that he had a part to play in the misunderstanding But, I can't understand how huge this is for a socially anxious person. He said it's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened.

 

Will this ego focus fade over the next couple of days or will he close down/shut down more?

[luciddreamer]

You're absolutely right. But his was off in (the last) 3 seconds. I was literally startled. No time to react except to do the ungraceful whatever-i-exclaimed. i've never seen such a trick pulled in all my 30 years. Really.

[hosswhispra]

You're absolutely right. But his was off in (the last) 3 seconds. I was literally startled. No time to react except to do the ungraceful whatever-i-exclaimed. i've never seen such a trick pulled in all my 30 years. Really.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this. Learn from it and keep it in your memory storage. You tried explaining to him and now it's up to him on how he'll 'handle' what transpired.

[Caldus]

He was the one who decided to try to skip bases so fast like that. If I were you, I probably would've freaked too. I don't think you could've done much about that. Just try to be clear about sexual boundaries with whoever you are dating from now on and you won't ever run into this problem again.

[Day_Walker]

I say that you have to leave things as they stand now. You two have a lot in common but you seem to differ as far as sex is concerned it is better that this came up now rather than later. It seems strange to me that you can be messing around with a person for a month and not realize that this is working towards sex. Learn to talk about this earlier so these kind of situations do not happen.

[shikashika]

well.. I don't think a lot of people do have the 'talk' about past partners and all that as one is whipping off a belt!

 

i would be hurt too if I was laying on top of a guy in my underwear and he freaked out adn stopped and wanted to talk about being intimate and past partners..

 

I have never never once talked about the "when-are-we-going-to-have-sex... and how-many-people-have-you-been-with? with ANY of my boyfriends.. especially the past partners... if it comes up at all... its usually quite a way into the relationship.

 

What I'm curious to know is.. why did it surprise you that he tried to penetrate you.. is it not part of the lustful passion when you first have sex with someone?

 

especially when you are kissing in your underwear..

[Batya33]

And, I've always had the talk because I seem to wait longer than "average" if there is such a thing and there is no way I'm having sex unless the man has not been with anyone for at least 6 months and gets tested (or we wait until that 6 month period has passed and then get tested). I do want to know if he's been with many partners because that could affect whether I am comfortable sleeping with him. I have the talk before we're in the "heat of the moment."

[g1234567890h]

I'm like this guy buy about ten years younger. I have had social anxiety and I've been on meds for it. People say I'm smart. I'm on my way to getting my PhD.

 

This is how I manage sex in relationships. On the second date we both get tested and we talk about how fast we want to go. On the second date we both talked about our past partners and relationships. For my current relationship we waited one month and didn't have unprotected sex until after we were both tested. She needs to be on birth control, too.

 

During the dating period whenever we want to make a physical advance we ask the other person's permission. So if she wanted to give me a hug, she would ask to give me a hug. If I wanted to kiss her, I would ask to kiss her until we were both comfortable initiating with just nonverbal cues. We had sex after six dates, about five weeks, and moved from there. We're still together and having great sex.

 

Talking about sex early in relationships is really important.

[sophie274]

I find the 2nd date a bit early to get tested and talk about sex and previous partners! You hardly know the person! I would only want to talk about sex with a boyfriend once I was sure I wanted to actually have sex with him, and that would not be the second date.

 

Also, asking about giving hugs/kisses would also be uncomfortable for me. I guess my expectation is that if I am dating someone, after the first few (maybe 3-5 or so), we would both be comfortable with what I would consider a minimal level of intimacy. Asking for a kiss all the time would ruin the experience for me!

 

However, I think it's great that that approach worked for both of you. I agree that talking about sex is important, and whichever way is both safe and effective for the couple is the way to go.

[Batya33]

I find the 2nd date a bit early to get tested and talk about sex and previous partners! You hardly know the person! I would only want to talk about sex with a boyfriend once I was sure I wanted to actually have sex with him, and that would not be the second date.

 

Also, asking about giving hugs/kisses would also be uncomfortable for me. I guess my expectation is that if I am dating someone, after the first few (maybe 3-5 or so), we would both be comfortable with what I would consider a minimal level of intimacy. Asking for a kiss all the time would ruin the experience for me!

 

However, I think it's great that that approach worked for both of you. I agree that talking about sex is important, and whichever way is both safe and effective for the couple is the way to go.

 

I completely agree. I have the talk about boundaries before we are in a private home together (even if just for drinks before dinner) and the talk about testing, etc a few months in or later.

[mintblossom]

I think he just wanted sex with you and that the SSA thing is an excuse. Clever of him, he was able to turn it around and pin it all on you even though HE was the one behaving badly. SSA doesn't make him dump you because you weren't ready to have sex with him.

 

I think this guy's just a dirty bastard but how slick of him. I've read books on social anxiety, if anything, I would think people with social anxiety try even harder when they come up against an awkward situation and the girl is willing to forgive.

 

Really...he's a loser. I bet I could totally use SSA as a way to manipulate other people....but seriously.....loser.

[Dilly]

You're absolutely right. But his was off in (the last) 3 seconds. I was literally startled. No time to react except to do the ungraceful whatever-i-exclaimed. i've never seen such a trick pulled in all my 30 years. Really.

 

I'm perceiving something here in your tone and may be off-base, but honestly, it almost sounds like you view him as a scoundrel off to put another nick in his bedpost. I would be very confused and put off by someone who acted interested in me and then, acted like I was trying to steal their cookies. I would question their emotional stability in the same way you might question his (social anxiety). A man just doesn't whip it out and stick it in unless the woman's underwear is off, too, right? So if you were both naked, I would imagine that the next and most logical base would be home!

 

Sorry, but the comment about not seeing such a "TRICK" in all your 30 years takes me by my ear and leads me to side a bit more with him on this than you... especially if you began freaking out on him after the fact, like it wasn't consensual. I would NOT wish to explore bases further if someone freaked out on me in the heat of the moment, especially if I were a man.

[mintblossom]

I must disagree with you Dilly. As woman we are strong but vulnerable. We have the right to have our bodies respected and valued at every moment.

 

A woman has the right to stop at anytime she chooses especially if she is beginning to feel uncomfortable. Even if clothes are off, we have a right to say STOP and NO if we are not okay with some aspect of behavior. That's a woman's perogative and I would hate to see anyone try to take it away from women.

 

He also showed his true colors by dumping her. A guy who really cared and wanted to work things out would stay around, even through embarrassing or awkward moments. Who said life is perfect and always runs smoothly? He just didn't care.

[Dilly]

My comments are above in red. Please note I mean you no disrespect and politely disagree.

[luciddreamer]

 

Sorry, but the comment about not seeing such a "TRICK" in all your 30 years takes me by my ear and leads me to side a bit more with him on this than you... especially if you began freaking out on him after the fact, like it wasn't consensual. I would NOT wish to explore bases further if someone freaked out on me in the heat of the moment, especially if I were a man.

 

that was my dumb attempt at humor. I have the utmost respect for him and accept my part in this. i tried to put him off but i agree it wasn't assertive enough. i never ever thought he would try to get inside me. i was thinking about it last night, part of my freak out is that i had unprotected sex w/my committed boyfriend and got a STI (temporary skin virus) which was very traumatic. i promised myself i'd never do that to anyone or let it happen to me again.

 

i wish he would agree to move on and learn from this, as the other poster said. he did not return my call last night.

[luciddreamer]

 

This is how I manage sex in relationships. On the second date we both get tested and we talk about how fast we want to go. On the second date we both talked about our past partners and relationships. For my current relationship we waited one month and didn't have unprotected sex until after we were both tested. She needs to be on birth control, too.

 

 

Talking about sex early in relationships is really important.

 

thanks for the post. i'm not sure i could be as disciplined and open in communication as you given my shyness but i definitely wish i had spoken up about sex the second or so time we made out (we had only kissed about 4 times before this happened... nothing more than french kissing and no clothes removed). it would have seemed premature and defensive, but look where i am now.