What is wrong with infidelity?

[Underdelusion]

First, I agree 100% that being dishonest with your parther(s) is wrong.

 

I also know that people will do wrong things knowing that they are "doing wrong".

 

Lastly, I do not condone, nor will I rebuke, someone I know for infidelity, unless I observe in it an intent to cause intentional harm to anyone involved.

 

thereforeeee, I am aware that marriages have a religious and legal (as well as many written social) clauses forbidding infidelity. That is a fact.

Beyond that it is strictly a social, and more directly, a personal issue.

 

If one ignores the religious issue, and is not concerned with any statutes or judicial punishments, and all involved are adults of age, then I ask again,

 

What is wrong with infidelity? Let me delve into this a bit.

 

Surely if there are family situations such as children, than they may and usually are hurt in a situation of infidelity. Regardless of the outcome, infidelity on one (or both) of the parents WILL make an impression, and usually a damaging one on the children.

 

But without that issue, what about other reason and rationales?

 

Well, if one is having relationships amongst partners, without the consent of all, of course, there's potential consequences - the largest being an unintended disclosure of the situation to one or all! But also there are health issues - STD's being a major concern.

 

Additionally, the possibility of one (or more) of the partners wanting to leverage the situation in a dishonest manner - the extreme being somone doing something that could cause death to those invloved and to innocents.

 

However, if infidelity exists, but there is no intent to cause harm to others, and the possibility of unintended consequences and repurcussions are slim, then the only remaining issue is the OTHER partner(s); the one who is not aware of the infidelity.

 

Not going into the whole realm of humanity, the sole fact is that there has now been a breakdown of honesty in that relationship. Sure, people stray from marriages for a fling, or have a few boyfriends in different cities, or like the sister-in-law, too, but if your primary partner is there for you and your needs, and you there for theirs, than why would you want or need to be unfaithful?

 

What seems to be the issue, to me, at least, is the question of "is my relationship worth the potential for its destruction?" Also, in my case, this was discussed and agreed to at the beginning that there is no infidelity without explicit consent.

 

To me at this time, the relationship is more important than whatever possibilities may be found elsewhere. But if that balance ever changes, I ask again, in consideration with the aforementioned, then:

 

"What is wrong with infidelity?"

 

Sincere responses appreciated!

[melrich]

The word infidelity is taken to mean cheating ie doing something behind your partners back.

 

If you mean what is wrong with sex partners outside your immediate relationship then the answer would eb nothing as long as all parties are consenting adults and have agreed to the arrangement.

[Dako]

Not to be flippant, but why don't you try it and report back?

I found being cheated on to be a full course in the drawbacks of infidelity.

 

If a couple has an open relationship, it's no big deal. If they're committed only to each other, it can be devastating.

 

Other than that, party on!

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

What's wrong with it?

 

My long, profound answer ; GUILT.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I agree with Dako... there is nothing wrong with infidelity as long as both parties agree...but then again....if they both agree....its not infidelity.

[chocolady]

It goes against every moral code. It is never ok to lie, hurt and destroy lives of the people that you (supposedly) love most for your own sexual gratification. NEVER.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I can't quite work out what you're asking - if both partners are up for an 'open' marriage, is it still infidelity, is that what you mean?

 

I don't know - I understand from people who do have an open marriage that for them it's about EMOTIONAL fidelity; that so long as they do not fall in love, the physical act of sex does not equal infidelity. I suspect though that it's rare for a marriage to sustain being open like that for a long period of time with both partners equally happy. I would imagine there is always the danger of emotional attachment creeping in. However, I'm very vanilla, and so the worlds of BDSM etc where I think there MAY perhaps be a different attitude towards having sex with other people is completely outside my experience!

 

I don't think I would be okay with it under any circumstances - but I don't know, life does throw a curveball at you. What if a beloved partner were paralysed and could never have sex again - could you commit to a life without sex ever again? I don't know what the answers are. I think it's true that in life there are more grey areas than anything else. But where I am right now, no, I don't think I would ever be okay with infidelity.

 

Cheers.

[Daddy Bear]

Three little words:

 

be

 

tray

 

al

[annie24]

^^^ same words I was thinking!

 

It is just a betrayal. when you get married, you are making a promise to one another, to stay faithful in the face of temptation and difficulties. If you don't want to remain faithful, and your partner doesn't want an open relationship, then why get married? Why make a promise you can't keep?

[Day_Walker]

I do not believe that infidelity in and of itself is wrong. There is a cultural ideal that you are supposed to remain faithful. This has not always been the case. As long as there is an expectation of fidelity then infidelity will be viewed as wrong.

[cantexplain]

First, I agree 100% that being dishonest with your parther(s) is wrong.

 

Here is a definition of infidelity according to link removed:

 

link removed

 

Lastly, I do not condone, nor will I rebuke, someone I know for infidelity, unless I observe in it an intent to cause intentional harm to anyone involved...

 

... if infidelity exists, but there is no intent to cause harm to others, and the possibility of unintended consequences and repurcussions are slim, then the only remaining issue is the OTHER partner(s); the one who is not aware of the infidelity.

 

Here's your answer about an infidels place in your question:

 

Not going into the whole realm of humanity, the sole fact is that there has now been a breakdown of honesty in that relationship.

 

Here's your concern for self:

 

What seems to be the issue, to me, at least, is the question of "is my relationship worth the potential for its destruction?"

 

That is cowardly sabotage that will cause great pain for one to three or more people. It also nails the coffin shut on the intent point you made above.

 

Also, in my case, this was discussed and agreed to at the beginning that there is no infidelity without explicit consent.

 

Infidelity with explicit consent would not be infidelity, by definition.

 

 

To me at this time, the relationship is more important than whatever possibilities may be found elsewhere. But if that balance ever changes, I ask again, in consideration with the aforementioned, then:

 

"What is wrong with infidelity?"

 

Nothing is wrong with infidelity for the infidel and in consideration of the aforementioned if the infidel wants to sabotage the relationship or create an environment wrought with mistrust, doubt, hesitation, and stifled intimacy. And/or break hearts and possibly cause harm to trust for the other person when they enter future committed relationships

 

Some of us are socialised at some point in our lives to understand that we can't do this to anyother person and feel comfortable with ourselves. We live by the golden rule - do unto others as we'd wish them do unto us.

 

People who are prone to infidelity have not achieved this level of enlightenment and are exhibiting character patterns which may play out in so many other selfish ways, as well.

 

This is the way I see it.

[itsallgrand]

What is wrong with infidelity? Oh man. Long list, but you might be better off asking your grandmother.

 

Number 1. It is a totally selfish act at the expense of a person that you have promised to love and cherish.

 

Betrayal is not cherishing, nor loving. It is the ultimate 'I come first whether it hurts you or not'.

 

It also simply shows an exceptional weakness of character.

So regardless of any external punishments or concequences or lack there-of (some partners do end up sucking up to the one who betrayed them and taking the guilt upon themselves, keeping life nice and sweet and stable for the cheater)....

regardless of all that: infidelity turns you into a poor person. Someone self absorbed and chasing the newest sweet.

 

It is wrong because it has been proven not to work as a way to long lasting happiness for people.

[tekloid]

It's wrong. Because I've witnessed it first hand as the betrayed. EOT

[Siriana]

I just red the title of the thread:

 

Because you hurt a person you cheat.

 

Thats the only thing that stoped me from cheating sometimes.

[CallingAllAngels]

As someone who just found out that my husband was unfaithful to me SIX years ago, I can tell you NOTHING good about infidelity.

 

I don't care if it "meant nothing" at the time. When you are MARRIED, you take a vow to that other person, until death do you part. Once your married, if you don't want to keep that committment, come clean and ask for a divorce.

 

Infidelity hurts worse than anything I've ever been though, especially since I had a GUT feeling something was going on with this woman. After I found sexually explicit emails 6 years ago, he STILL denied it was anything more than "just a friendship"...thoughout the years, and in marriage counceling, I have asked him POINT BLANK, did ANYTHING happened between the two of you. He looked me right in the eyes and said NO.

 

Ironically, ONE MONTH AGO TODAY, I found out differently. The fact that is was 6 years ago means NOTHING. It may have been 6 years ago for him, but to me, it's brand new. I feel like the past 6 years have been a lie...a total lie. LOTS of "things" make sense to me now...

 

I have had to go for an HIV test, which, THANK GOD came back negative. You have no idea the repercussions of infidelity unless you have been cheated on.

 

I have left our marriage. NOT so much for the infideity, but for the DECEICT of keeping it from me for so many years. That just makes it so much more painful. If he had come home that night and just flat out told me he made a big mistake, that he was drunk, etc etc etc, then, quite probably I could have gotten past it. Now...I don't think I can. And believe me...I really want to.

 

He will NOT tell me details, and only yells when I bring it up.

 

Before you are unfaithful...think about the person you have at home.

 

~Allie

[Underdelusion]

"However, if infidelity exists, but there is no intent to cause harm to others, and the possibility of unintended consequences and repurcussions are slim, then the only remaining issue is the OTHER partner(s); the one who is not aware of the infidelity."

 

That is sort of the thread focus - Yes in a 'perfect' situation the only "evil" uit the effect to the other(s). But as I rationalized, if there is enough reason to stray, then one has obviously decided that the potential for harm is worth the consequences.

 

(As I said, nothing is "till death do you part", and vows are only as good as the vibrations of the vocal cords in the real world. Guilt only works if you need it - look at how popular religions are...)

 

It's the internal, rational answer to the question I am looking to find. But I presume that in itself answers it - it is up to the individual. Life sometimes is painful, but it is the self that is, ultimately, the best protector.

 

Nothing like getting real inputs to formulate an opinion.

 

Thank you.

[HarleyHunny]

"What is wrong with infidelity?"

 

What about some good old fashioned INTEGRITY! IMHO, anywho who thinks this is OK, will also think it's ok to lie, steal and murder. :sad:

[lostinwilderness]

However, if infidelity exists, but there is no intent to cause harm to others, and the possibility of unintended consequences and repurcussions are slim.

 

I do not think that you can separate the intent from the result. Harm may not be the intent, but I think it is an unavoidable result.

 

The cheater themselves is harmed. Their integrity suffers and the inevitable deception will permantly affect their character. Certainly they can never reach their potential with either relationship.

 

The lover is harmed by having an incomplete relationship, where the cheater has divided energy between two people. This can normally only be accepted when there is already some serious issues in the lover's life.

 

Even if the cheated on partner never finds out, they are still harmed. Their partner is expending energy on another relationship and they are living in a lie. That will cause real harm to the person being cheated on even if they never know why.

 

Of course there is always the large chance that the cheating will come out somehow, and I think it is pretty universal that this is harmful to all involved.

 

How can you even claim that infidelity is a 'harmless' act?

[caro33]

Underdelusion I am struggling somewhat with your actual point.

 

I recognise that you might be saying this can be brought back to basic, almost economic (but not limited to financial) incentives - pure self-interest by the "rational" person along the lines of "do the costs outweigh the benefits"? I agree that for many people that may well be their prevailing rationality.

 

But this still misses the point that infidelity as a concept is founded on fidelity, which is faith, loyalty etc. It is not an economic concept in any way: the core value is in fact a promise based on behaviour toward oneself and others, regardless of personal cost.

 

You cannot be accused of infidelity if you never made a promise and encouraged faith in you to start with. So we are talking about one's word, one's integrity, as others have pointed out.

 

Among all the real life pains that infidelity causes, what is "wrong" with infidelity is that it is the breaking of one's word. It implies a faithlessness of such a degree that the person in question should never have entered into a faith "contract" (if you know what I mean) in the first place. Vows are far more than vocal chord vibrations - if you cannot be true to the intent of the vow spoken you should not have spoken it.

[cantexplain]

"However, if infidelity exists, but there is no intent to cause harm to others, and the possibility of unintended consequences and repurcussions are slim, then the only remaining issue is the OTHER partner(s); the one who is not aware of the infidelity."

 

That is sort of the thread focus - Yes in a 'perfect' situation the only "evil" uit the effect to the other(s). But as I rationalized, if there is enough reason to stray, then one has obviously decided that the potential for harm is worth the consequences.

 

caro33's post above is right on.

 

underdelusion,

 

I am wondering if you are including the consequences for person(s) other than yourself in your math.

 

 

everyone,

 

I just don't get it why "cheaters" can't just break-up first and then start a more appropriate relationship (or relationships for that matter) with whoever it is they are now wanting to sleep with. Will someone, maybe underdelusion, please tell me why this is?

[annie24]

how about another question..... what is RIGHT about infidelity?

[cantexplain]

how about another question..... what is RIGHT about infidelity?

 

Good question. I'm stumped on that one.