I spent the night with a married man...

[Goldfish6888]

Hi, enotalone.

 

I spent the night with a man who was married about a week and a half ago. The thing is I feel bad about this and have told no one and will tell no one about this as I would be ashamed.

 

He told me he was married, during the course of our evening, but I had had a lot to drink and found a way to tell myself this was okay.

 

My rationality (at the time) was it was going to just be a "one night" fling and I would NEVER see him again. I just found him easy to chat with, cute and also great fun. Anyway, we ended up having a lovely night together, one of the nicest nights I've had in about 5 years - tender and loving etc...

 

Let it be known, I have never, EVER done this before. EVER. I think I have been lonely for a while and he was a really cute fireman, with a nice body and showed some interest in me. In fact, he was very sweet and couldn't understand why I wasn't hitched up with someone.

 

The next morning, he called my hotel room with an excuse to call up and see me (he had a bottle of water for my hangover), I told him to just drop it in reception, but he insisted on coming up to my room again. In the daylight of the morning, we kissed again and there were very strong feelings. He felt like someone I had known for ages. Anyway, he was keen to keep the contact, despite the fact we live v. far apart...I joked that he might set me up with one of his single colleagues. I didn't give him any way to contact me - but if he wants to find me he will.

 

The thing is I would like to contact him again....we are too far away for any relationship, but I did feel a strong bond. Could we just be friends? would that be cheating?

 

Am I messing with fire here? I am confused. I think of that night often. I feel bad since I've found out he has three young children. I would certainly not want someone else to do this on me, should I be married. So I've serious double standards here.

 

Am I a bad person, that I should have done this? What is going on with me? I must admit, I've not felt as strong an attraction with someone in a long time. I even said to him, why are the good ones always taken?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You know what you did was wrong, that is why you are ashamed. To even communicate with him would be wrong and would lead you deeper and deeper into feelings of shame. With or without a man in your life, everyone's constant companion is themselves. If they can't live with themselves, life will be unbearable. You have done this once and are ashamed. Learn from this and don't repeat the mistake because you will constantly be living your life feeling ashamed.

 

Anyway, we ended up having a lovely night together, one of the nicest nights I've had in about 5 years - tender and loving etc...

 

He is married and clearly has no integrity because he cheated on his wife. Tender and loving is not the way to describe what you two had...the two of you did not make love, the two of you had sex, plain and simple. Sex based on lust (at least on his part) and nothing more. Yes, he is clever enough to make it appear tender and loving, but that is outside show, it doesn't mean he felt that inside. You don't know how many other woman he is been with while being married. He could be quite clever and showing a "tender and loving" side to rope a woman.

 

Do not keep in touch with this man even if he finds a way to contact you. If he contacts you, he is simply doing it for his ego and not for anything else.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Call the fire department....you're playing with fire.

 

You seem overly concerned about the distance..negating the wife...- regardless of location..he's still unreachable...because he's married.

 

He's a cheater...it's just that simple. To reinforce this....you should read the posts here from alll the people who were cheated on ...and think about how much pain it causes.

 

For your own sake...find someone who is available 100% for you and only you!

[Beec]

Leave him alone. No good will come of your contact with him.

[sparkle1]

Sleeping with married men isn't a great thing to do, but you already know that so no point in banging on about it.

 

i think you need to stay away from him. He probably does like you - you will be an escape from 'life' for him....but he'll always go home to his wife (although he doesn't deserve to). You will only get in deeper if you continue to have contact with him......

 

Friends isn't cheating...its just cheating yourself...because you know you would want more ...

[coollady1957]

Definitely leave this guy alone. He is married with a wife and kids . He is obviously just looking for a good time and a roll in the sack. Have you stopped to think about how many other females he might having a hot time with besides you ? I seriously doubt this is a first time or one time thing with him.

 

Do NOT try to be " just friends" with this guy. This is a situation where you need to move on and forget this man and let it be. You do not need to be involved with a married man , or anyone that is a cheater.

 

You should be with someone that you can have a real relationship with and not with someone that isn't available to you. Move on , you are playing with a serious situation if you continue to see him.

[rose2summer]

Think about his 3 young children and wife crying beyond belief,

 

Because their dad/husband has chosen you in addition to others over them,

 

He clearly does not care about your or his family to do this,

 

Think how you would feel to have your life ripped away from you like these people have,

 

And then make your decision whether you want to be friends,

 

And I am almost sure you will decide to leave these people alone,

 

As you seem to have a strong head on your shoulders and know what you did wasn't right,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[ImThatGirl]

He's wants his cake an to eat it too.

 

When it comes down to it, he will never choose you over his family. No matter what he says. And you should not contact him.

 

Yeah the bond seems so strong. But the truth is this man is completely selfish. He doesn't care about you, his children, his wife. He cares about himself and keeping himself satisfied.

 

You haven't mentioned how the two of you met?

[RayKay]

You are looking at the fantasy over the reality.

 

The fantasy is that he "must have you, you are love of his life". The reality is he is using you to escape his marriage, he is cheating on those he made ultimate commitment too and is a liar.

 

Stay away from this man, and no, you cannot have friendship with this guy. You already crossed those lines, and I see them being easily broken over and over now. Respect not only his wife, but yourself to realize you will not lower yourself to a cheat and liar - I don't care how good looking he is. The packaging means nothing when the contents are obviously spoiled.

[CarnelianButterfly]

He cheated on the woman he promised to love and honor, what does that say about his integrity. A person willing to cheat once is going to be willing to do it again. Think about his wife or if he has kids. What will this do to his family. Don't go any further, he's not a good guy, he's a cheater. What kind of relationship can you really have with a married man, you will always be second to his wife and family. He has no commitment to you and obviously very little loyalty. He treats his wife like this, imagine how he will treat you.

[Closure]

Am I wrong to stop reading after the title?

[baybrat]

Of course the feelings you experienced are strong... they're forbiden, and you both know it. Having an affair is powerful. It's the two of you against the world... part escape, part fantasy. Just remember, the world the two of you created when you were together is not real. Did you get that? It's not real. Real is him leaving his wife and family to be with you and you waking up to realize that you're with a man that is capable... no, likely to cheat on you!

 

The Romeo and Julliet syndrome is like a drug. It's so intense that you will find yourself craving it. It will be all you can think about. You might even mistake it for love. But I can tell you from experience, it's empty... it will not bring you happiness or fullfilment... it will only bring you grief. End the relationsip immediately (and no, you can't be "just friends"). Treasure the one encounter if it brings you some sort of gratification, but quit while you're ahead. Having an affair is morally and socially wrong. It's a crime against this man, his family and yourself.

 

Having said all that... I also know from experience that you probably won't listen to anybody, the need to again experience what you felt with him will be too great, and you'll continue the affair. It happens to be best of us. Just don't say nobody warned you.

[gattsuga]

End it. You're starting to have feelings for him, and trust me.. he will NOT leave his marriage for another woman. He's just using you for sex. It's perfect for him. He lives far away, there's little to no chance you and his wife will meet. Do you know where he lives? His phone number? The name of his wife/kids?

 

You're being used. Don't ever see this guy again.

[Day_Walker]

Lets just be honest here, you had a connection with this guy and he made you feel like you havent felt in a long time. That is the reason why you did what you did, at that point you were only considering how you felt and didnt really care about the reprocussions of your actions. I am not your parent so I am not going to tell you what is right or wrong, I believe that you have a sense of what is right and what is wrong. If this guy does get a hold of you then it will only make you rationalize that you two were meant to be and because of that you will begin to justify your actions and your feelings. You will probably also feel that you deserve to be with this guy and he with you instead of with his wife and kids. I say realize that you are opening a can of worms here and it will be trouble if you pursue this.

[Goldfish6888]

I Guess I'm just really lonely. Thats why I settled for a one night stand with a married man. I know what I've done is wrong. I totally know this. Don't worry I'll be cutting all contact even if any is made.

 

Thanks to everyone for their comments. I don't feel any better and I guess a lot of the postings are also making me feel a little worse about what I've done.

 

Goldfish

[ImThatGirl]

Only time will make it feel better. Just know that his type is going to focus on someone who is lonely or vulnerable. I know it doesn't make you feel any better but don't beat yourself up about it. Just know the facts and don't allow yourself to be mesmerized by "what could be."

 

Hugs and prayers~

[Crazyaboutdogs]

What is done is done and you can't change that. You can only learn from it. Lots of people do things they are not proud of but then turn themselves around and never repeat the behaviour. You have to put the feelings of shame and guilt aside, forgive yourself and move forwards. Don't let this eat up your life. This incident doesn't take away from all the wonderful things that you are.

[doyathink]

I'm pretty much with the others. You have no idea how this feels until you have been through it yourself. I have been cheated on and even tho he may not ever leave his family because of you, you have helped contribute to the heartbreak of his family.

[Batya33]

How would you feel if your spouse or significant other were to say to you "but it only happened once!"?

 

Take this as a sign that you do want a relationship and use that sign to create an environment in which you can have a relationship with a single and emotionally available man. I would get tested ASAP for STD's and then tested again in six months. I would not beat myself up over what you did other than decide never to do it again and never ever to have contact with him unless it has to do with STDs and then I would have a trusted friend contact him on your behalf.

[Shadows Light]

You screwed up and let that be a lesson to you not to rationalize anything while you've been drinking. Don't sweat it.. sobor people have done it too.

 

Wish I had a dime for every time a "married" man tells me what a "B" his wife is and how horribly rotten he's got it. How he can't end the relationship because of finances, kids, appearance... or because the "B" would get control of all the assets. Whatever... the reasons are a mile long. etc.

 

Grin.... and you know if you had a chance to meet wifey-poo... you'd see what a lovely woman she is. Sweet. Trusting. And very into her husband.

 

YICK!!!

 

Don't do it to yourself. You'll only wind up sucking hiney.. and wind up not liking yourself very much when you look in the mirror. Its an age old record and story that has been replayed.. over and over and over again.

 

Put him out of your mind. And put the insident in the lessons learned folder of your brain. And don't mess around with a married man ever ever again. They will bring you nothing but heart-ache.

 

And if you did per-chance get him in the end.... HA!!! where is the trust???? How do you know you won't become the "B" wife and be cheated on in the future. You don't.

[Rabican]

id say never ever contact him again, if he contacts you tell him the whole situation was a mistake and you think he should focus his efforts on his wife not you.

 

Being friends with him will only lead to more cheating, if hes cute, youve slept together, hes a cheater... things will only lead to more sex (at least one of you will push it in that direction)

 

Just move on, there ARE other guys out there.

[yeawutever]

Move on and don't contact him ever again, he's a liar and a cheater.

 

[Goldfish6888]

I can see that many people here know - just as I do - what I did was wrong. Some people I think have been hard on me.

 

That night, he had been chatting to me, I was crying as I said "my heart had been broken and I was lonely" and he was consoling me. It did feel really nice. But in the cruel daylight - it means nothing - its just drinktalk. I guess it was a shoulder to cry on and then it just turned into something else.

 

I haven't heard from him, so I can only presume that he too has seen it as a mistake - which is a good thing.

 

I just hope that no one ever finds out about this. I have to put it down to my drinking - as I know if sober - I would never have done it.

 

I would hate to be married and that happened to me. I've always said to my partners - as soon as you think you would like to cheat or have feelings for someone else, please let me know so that we don't have to do things behind each other's back.

 

All postings have only verbalised what I've already thought - so you are preaching to the converted - I know it was wrong.

 

I wouldn't want him to leave his wife anyway. It was a "one night stand". I had even joked that he might set me up with a single fireman from his station.

 

I think a lot of posters feel this was an affair or a long relationship, but it was simply a couple of hours with a lot of drink involved.

 

There was never any question, that I would get into an affair. Even if he did email me - I would not entertain "an affair". Sure we live at least 5000 miles away from each other - so it would never be possible. I would never break up a family anyway - so I'm not sure why some posters feel I would even entertain this thought.

 

I made a mistake - I know it. I would contact him - if he contacted me - simply to say that it was a mistake. Anyway, there is absolutely no way we will ever bump into each other again.

 

I'm not going to get into an affair - let that be clear.

 

Thanks for your advice - everyone. Please don't be hard on me. As I already feel and know I've made a mistake. I can't blame the drink - even though it clouded my judgement.

[Sad_now]

Dear Goldfish6888,

Can I just offer some words of support. I was in your situation too. A married man (who told me his marriage was just a paper marriage and that his wife and he were in the process of sorting things out and getting divorced - A LIE) asked me out for a drink. I went, CONFIDENT that I would tell him that I was flattered but not interested in him as he was married and had a womanising reputation. I was SURE I would walk away on a friendly note explaining to him why it was best we not see each other and keep our interactions to a friendly acquaintance level...

 

TWO years later and I am crying, had my heart broken badly and self-esteem shattered. I just wish I had never ever ever ever gone for that 'friendly' coffee.

 

All I am saying is - you are where I was then. Just walk away. I didn't - couldn't - I just fell for his lies and crap. You have the choice at this stage as you aren't heavily involved. Each DAY you remain mentally involved with him, the harder it will be to walk away.

 

Hope you make the right choice - which I didn't

[Goldfish6888]

Sorry to hear that Sad-now. Thanks for the advice...Its real and I feel your pain.

 

We make mistakes and hopefully we learn - thats why we are here.

 

I know people would say to you - you knew what you were getting into.

Sometimes, we rationalise this by saying - well its only a coffee, or its only a chat, or its only a friendship. Then you find you are falling for him - and you find everyone else pales in comparison to him. So you keep meeting them. Then you are hooked. It can happen soooo easily.

 

I won't fall for anyone's lies again, as I'm just out of a really messy relationship with a serial dater and player. I'm still working through that.

 

I don't even think the Fireman had lied to me - he told me he was married, he said he had kids. Nothing was going to happen - until we had a few more drinks and then things happened. I don't even think he had an intention of something happening - honestly - he didn't seem that type of guy.

 

I am walking away from this mistake - seriously. Since reading all these posts - the Married fireman has become a distant memory. I still feel BAD though as I should not have let drink become my dictator.

 

I just want people to know - we are human. we make mistakes. I won't repeat it. I'm vulnerable right now and really after a few drinks, the emotions just came out and he happened to be there.

 

But I truly had NO INTENTION of contacting him again, when it happened.

 

There has been NO Contact since and thats almost 2 weeks ago.

 

I will let you know if he does contact me - but I have no intention of getting into anything.