FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[graphicdesigner]

I've been sleeping with my FWB for 3.5 months now, and in the beginning he would tell me all the time that he was "sexually attracted" to me, or that he was "strongly attracted" to me. He even mentioned that he loved our sexual chemistry that we have with each other. Which we do, because it's pretty intense.

But, he never gives me any compliments like telling me I'm pretty, beautiful, sexy or hot. Never! Which wouldn't necessarily be an issue since I know we're just FWB, but then he'll talk about other women & tell me how sexy or hot they are, or he even commented on a woman he had sex with a few times many years ago on how beautiful she was. Why does this bother me so much if we're just FWB?

I do admit, my feelings for him are most likely a lot stronger than his are for me, but right now, given his situation, we are unable to be in a regular relationship, so we do the FWB which works for us both right now, as I don't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone either. My husband of 26 years passed away 3 years ago and I am still struggling with that. This man has been the first and only man that I've had sex with since my husband. So maybe I'm interpreting this FWB situation more as lust, I don't know. I know I'm not in love with him or anything like that, my feelings are just stronger. I can't stop thinking about him, and it seems we rarely have sex because of his schedule and how busy he is. He also lives an hour away, so that makes it challenging as well.

Should I come right out and ask him why he doesn't compliment me, or just let it go? I texted him this question about 2 months ago, not long after we met and he sent me a pretty crappy response. Basically saying that my asking him for a compliment was solicitous and how him showing me instead of him telling me should have been good enough. It wouldn't bother me so much, but him telling me how other women are hot, sexy or beautiful really makes me jealous and I'm starting to feel really insecure now. I feel really hurt and jealous and I don't know what to do.

[ShySoul]

15 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

so we do the FWB which works for us both right now... my feelings are just stronger. I can't stop thinking about him

If it was was working for you, you probably won't be having these thoughts. You wouldn't be getting jealous at him for speaking about other women. You wouldn't be thinking about him as much as it sounds like you do. The nature of FWB is suppose to be no strings attached and can only really work if neither side develops real feelings. Problem is, inevitably someone does.

Doesn't mean you like him enough to have a relationship. You might not be ready for that, with him or anyone. But you've developed some degree of feelings and formed an attachment. You're not getting out of this what you need to feel good about things - both physically and, more importantly, emotionally.  

You did bring it up. The reaction you can't was a hostile one where you got made at for expressing your feelings. That's not healthy in an actual relationship, nor is it healthy in FWB. For any kind of relationship to work, both sides need to show respect for each other's feelings and work together with open, honest communication. 

FWB will always have a natural shelf life, a limit before one or both parties are no longer experiencing enough of the benefits. Perhaps it would be better to see this as a sign the arrangement is at it's end? Perhaps you would be better served focusing less on him and more on youself?

[Jaunty]

It does not sound like it's working for you, at least not anymore.  If you need this kind of compliment from a FWB, I don't think that's necessarily unreasonable.   But he's not giving it, and you are not satisfied with things the way they are.

Quote

Should I come right out and ask him why he doesn't compliment me, or just let it go? I texted him this question about 2 months ago, not long after we met and he sent me a pretty crappy response. Basically saying that my asking him for a compliment was solicitous and how him showing me instead of him telling me should have been good enough. It wouldn't bother me so much, but him telling me how other women are hot, sexy or beautiful really makes me jealous and I'm starting to feel really insecure now. I feel really hurt and jealous and I don't know what to do.

Heavens, NO, do not ask him.   

It would not be such a bad idea if you didn't already bring it up and get a very clear response to that.

You don't need to beg for this kind of validation from a man who obviously is happy to enjoy sex with you but not give you ANYTHING further.   He is pretty clear about where he stands.

Again - this is obviously not a good situation for you.  "Hurt" and "jealous" are not things that are supposed to be present in any FWB or, for that matter, other type of relationship that is working well.  

I'm sorry.

[graphicdesigner]

19 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

If it was was working for you, you probably won't be having these thoughts. You wouldn't be getting jealous at him for speaking about other women. You wouldn't be thinking about him as much as it sounds like you do. The nature of FWB is suppose to be no strings attached and can only really work if neither side develops real feelings. Problem is, inevitably someone does.

Doesn't mean you like him enough to have a relationship. You might not be ready for that, with him or anyone. But you've developed some degree of feelings and formed an attachment. You're not getting out of this what you need to feel good about things - both physically and, more importantly, emotionally.  

You did bring it up. The reaction you can't was a hostile one where you got made at for expressing your feelings. That's not healthy in an actual relationship, nor is it healthy in FWB. For any kind of relationship to work, both sides need to show respect for each other's feelings and work together with open, honest communication. 

FWB will always have a natural shelf life, a limit before one or both parties are no longer experiencing enough of the benefits. Perhaps it would be better to see this as a sign the arrangement is at it's end? Perhaps you would be better served focusing less on him and more on youself?

Thank you for your response. I just started seeing a therapist last week, and she thinks I should end it immediately! But I don't have the courage to end it. I just love having sex with him and kissing him is just amazing! We sometimes kiss for an hour before we have sex. IT's wonderful. That doesn't come around too often. It also doesn't help that I've always been really insecure about my looks and physical appearance, but hearing him call other women hot or sexy really gets at me. I've been told my whole life that I'm beautiful, even from my husband because he told me everyday. With these guy, he never tells me at all, just that he's "sexually attracted" to me. Which I guess is a compliment, but when he says that other women are hot or sexy, it really bothers me, and I wish it didn't. 

 

[Batya33]

I agree with Jaunty.  Why is he "unable" to be in a proper relationship? I'm sorry about your husband!

He speaks of other women's body parts and  the sex because he feels like it.  He is a person who thinks it's ok to make those sorts of sexual and objectifying comments in front of a woman he has a sexual arrangement with.  Doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to you so in what way is this "FWB?"  For me I wouldn't be friends with a man who thought it was ok to comment about other women in this way to the extent he does with you most certainly.  My sense is he has sexual attraction and chemistry with you but has little in the way of respect for you so he doesn't care if his comments hurt your feelings.  

I would stop having sex with him -it seems like it's emotionally unhealthy for you.

[graphicdesigner]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with Jaunty.  Why is he "unable" to be in a proper relationship? I'm sorry about your husband!

Well, that's the other thing. He is still married, but currently separated. They've been separated for several years now (long story). He was in a relationship for a year about 11 months ago, and realized she wanted a true boyfriend, but he admitted he is a horrible boyfriend and couldn't provide that for her, so they ended it. I guess they started out in a casual relationship like us, but it got more emotional and turned into a regular relationship, which he has admitted he doesn't want right now. He knows my situation as well, and knows that I do not want to be in a relationship either because I am still grieving the loss of my husband. That isn't fair to another man knowing I'm still hurting and grieving for my late husband. 

It's pretty complicated.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Well, that's the other thing. He is still married, but currently separated. They've been separated for several years now (long story). He was in a relationship for a year about 11 months ago, and realized she wanted a true boyfriend, but he admitted he is a horrible boyfriend and couldn't provide that for her, so they ended it. I guess they started out in a casual relationship like us, but it got more emotional and turned into a regular relationship, which he has admitted he doesn't want right now. He knows my situation as well, and knows that I do not want to be in a relationship either because I am still grieving the loss of my husband. That isn't fair to another man knowing I'm still hurting and grieving for my late husband. 

It's pretty complicated.

No you are making it complicated by getting involved in a mess and choosing a mess where you feel badly about yourself except when you're kissing or having intercourse.  You know it's nonsense to prioritize good intercourse and good kissing over your self worth.  Married people cannot date.  He is in a complicated situation he has created.  But it's not complicated for you -it's simple -know your worth.  And if you do you wouldn't be letting his mouth and penis on you and in you.

[graphicdesigner]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 But it's not complicated for you -it's simple -know your worth. 

LOL that's exactly what my therapist says.

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

LOL that's exactly what my therapist says.

Maybe time to listen to your therapist? 😉

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

LOL that's exactly what my therapist says.

But it's not LOL -why is it funny to you? Will it be funny when you feel worse and worse as he extols the body parts and sexual virtues of other women before and after he ejaculates inside you? Will it be LOL if you get an STD? Or meet a good man who finds out that you chose to be with a married man and meet up for sex and then might feel icky about getting involved with you? I understand you're tempted.  I understand temptation and pull and not just in matters of sex - but you and I are adults -I'm 57 -and you know full well we make choices that are hard but healthy for us.

As far as your beauty that's irrelevant.  Meaning a man who wanted to be with you would find you beautiful no matter what you looked like and would never dream of making tacky thoughtless remarks about other women he'd had sex with.

[yogacat]

I think it goes to show that you have such a low opinion of yourself that you're fooling around (FWB) with a man that is not divorced but you're worried about him finding someone else sexier.  Are you confused?  

3.5 months into sleeping with a guy who is totally cold to you even though he can sleep with you any time. Doesn't even sound like he enjoys the sex so much since he hasn't had time for it much.

I know that your husband passed away and you're still grieving (my condolences); all the more reason why you should stay away from a guy like this for now. You have no business being with a married man and I think he goes for inexperienced ones to make it easy to manipulate them. He knows the "insecurity" part and the lust will keep you in there.

Are you sure he's even separated? Maybe he just tells you that...

[Jaunty]

Yes - you appear to (understandably) lack the emotional resiliency to deal with this situation in any way that would not be destructive to yourself.   

Believe me, this is not a harsh judgement.   There is not any good reason for a person to subject themselves to a situation where they feel hurt and jealous all the time in "exchange" for kissing and sex.   Just not healthy at all.   

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I do admit, my feelings for him are most likely a lot stronger than his are for me, but right now, given his situation, we are unable to be in a regular relationship, so we do the FWB which works for us both right now, as I don't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone either. My husband of 26 years passed away 3 years ago and I am still struggling with that.

^^First off, I think it's REAL important that you be honest with yourself right now.  Because I don't know what others think but I for one am NOT buying that you don't want to be in a RL (with him) right now. 

I think if HE wanted to be in a relationship (with you), you would JUMP at the chance!  Which is OKAY you are allowed to want that!  Just don't hide behind you're "still getting over your late husband who passed three years ago" or whatever story you are telling yourself that makes this situation OKAY for you.  

Clearly it's not okay otherwise this thread would not exist, wouldn't you agree? 

Just my take on it, I know how these things go.....   I have been there myself!!

With respect to asking (i.e. begging which is how HE is mostly likely interpreting it) for compliments, I don't suggest ever asking a man for compliments, to call, to text, to spend more time with you, etc. etc.  If you're not happy with what he does give or what he chooses to give, then leave.  The End.   I have always felt this way.  Asking serves no good purpose as far as I'm concerned.

Why?  Because even IF he acquiesced to your request, he would only be doing it because YOU were forced to ask, NOT because HE had the desire to do these things from his heart. 

Which is what you should want, it's what any woman would want.  Not disingenuous words to appease you so he gets to still **** you on occasion.

As such, what purpose would it serve to ask?  He'd be operating like some sort of robot programmed to compliment you as you have programmed him to do.

It sort of defeats the entire purpose, don't you think?

I agree with others, this is a very bad and toxic situation for you.  

Take care of you!!  Because trust me HE won't, no one will.   You are pretty much all you've got.

Learn to love and respect yourself before any man.  Once you do that, you will not only be a lot happier but **** like this won't happen either.  And you will be in a much better position mentally and emotionally to meet and welcome a kind giving man into your heart and life.

 

[catfeeder]

Quote

FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

He doesn't need to bother selling you on sex with him anymore. He's tested your tolerance for disrespect and you're still there orbiting and having sex with him.

That's on you. I'd listen to your therapist.

[graphicdesigner]

35 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

He doesn't need to bother selling you on sex with him anymore. He's tested your tolerance for disrespect and you're still there orbiting and having sex with him.

That's on you. I'd listen to your therapist.

Agreed! As his texting has been more and more infrequent, he admitted to me that he could only see me when it's "convenient." He even admitted that that was a crappy thing to say. At first it didn't really bother me, but it seems I'm the one who always initiates having sex with him. Never him. And most of the time he turns me down because he's either busy, or whatever with his son. It's always something. 

I thought I could handle it up until this point, but it's really starting to bother me.

[graphicdesigner]

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think if HE wanted to be in a relationship (with you), you would JUMP at the chance!  Which is OKAY you are allowed to want that!  Just don't hide behind you're "still getting over your late husband who passed three years ago" or whatever story you are telling yourself that makes this situation OKAY for you.  

 

I hate to admit it, but I think you're right and you're spot on! I think I probably would jump at the chance to be in a relationship with him. Although I know it couldn't go anywhere because of his messed up situation with his wife. Especially knowing why he and that woman broke up after dating for a year. I don't want that for myself. I have never put up with this crap in my life. Why am I putting up with it now? I used to have several sex-only relationships while in college (before I met my husband) and these men were all over me. I never had to "beg" for sex in my life. They never made excuses, they just came over when I called them. But of course, they weren't married and didn't have a son, so that's a totally different situation entirely.

[LootieTootie]

When you start getting way too emotionally invested in a FWB, you need to leave the situation ship for your own sanity and emotional wellbeing.

1 minute ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

II used to have several sex-only relationships while in college (before I met my husband) and these men were all over me. I never had to "beg" for sex in my life. They never made excuses, they just came over when I called them. But of course, they weren't married and didn't have a son, so that's a totally different situation entirely.

If you were married to your husband for 26 years, that means this was like 20+ years ago when you were in college and in your prime. Also in college, theres no shortage of horn dogs so its not hard to get laid.

I just feel like you're making excuses for this FWB. He isn't in to you like you are in to him. Thats ok. Just means if you want a relationship and not a situationship, this isn't the guy you want to emotionally invest in or put any effort in to. You need to be directing your energy somewhere else that is worthy of your time.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

It's pretty complicated.

No, it isn't. This is just what people say when they are trying to extract a relationship from dysfunction. 

You are making poor choices here. You know this. This man isn't interested in your feelings and tending to your emotional needs. He's just after sex, and it sounds as though he isn't very interested in the sex anymore either. Either he's getting it somewhere else (and I mean, from someone other than you or his wife) or he just isn't feeling it anymore with you. 

Either way, this is going nowehere and it's no longer serving you. It's up to you how long you want to prolong your own misery. 

[AndyPandy]

37 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He's just after sex, and it sounds as though he isn't very interested in the sex anymore either. Either he's getting it somewhere else (and I mean, from someone other than you or his wife) or he just isn't feeling it anymore with you.

Quite - and if he's cheating with her then the odds are he's also cheating with others. That type are greedy, selfish and inconsiderate.

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

But, he never gives me any compliments like telling me I'm pretty, beautiful, sexy or hot.

To be fair, him telling you that he is sexually attracted to you means that you are sexy to him. What bothers you is that he is also telling you that for other women. Which, no mater how maybe innapropriate it is, is something that you can tell to other people who you consider a friend. And not something you tell somebody who you are in a relationship with. 

Which brings me to the crux of the issue. You want to be in a relationship with that guy. While he is still married and doesnt care or thinks about you as somebody who he will like to be in a relationship. To him you are a sex arrangement and nothing more. He can talk about other women or even his other arrangements to you without a fuss. Because he wont be with you and looks at you as a sex object. While you are deluding yourself that he will be with you just after he finally divorces that “dreadful wife of his” who he probably told you how awful she is and how he is soon to be divorces from her. Pretty soon. As soon as Embiid passes 2nd playoff round. Now that is a “LOL” for sports fans. 

Your sex arrangement doesnt work and it never will. Maybe when you get healthier mental outlook through therapy you realize it yourself. 

[SherrySher]

11 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Basically saying that my asking him for a compliment was solicitous and how him showing me instead of him telling me should have been good enough. It wouldn't bother me so much, but him telling me how other women are hot, sexy or beautiful

That truly is disgusting behavior and if you need someone else to tell you outright, this man does not care about you, nor does he respect you.

You even needing to mention that you'd like a compliment, is beneath you, and you should be telling him that it's over.

He is using you, (no doubt while fantasizing about other women during the act), because he can't get the other women. No one would want to put up with a jerk like him.

Seriously do yourself a favor and don't walk, but run from this situation.

You may be lonely, but don't be so lonely that you put up with being treated this badly.

[SherrySher]

10 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Thank you for your response. I just started seeing a therapist last week, and she thinks I should end it immediately! But I don't have the courage to end it. I just love having sex with him and kissing him is just amazing! We sometimes kiss for an hour before we have sex. IT's wonderful. That doesn't come around too often. It also doesn't help that I've always been really insecure about my looks and physical appearance, but hearing him call other women hot or sexy really gets at me. I've been told my whole life that I'm beautiful, even from my husband because he told me everyday. With these guy, he never tells me at all, just that he's "sexually attracted" to me. Which I guess is a compliment, but when he says that other women are hot or sexy, it really bothers me, and I wish it didn't. 

 

There are other men out there who will not only give you the same kind of excitement, but they won't treat you like this guy does.

Honestly, I feel bad for you, because you're not even seeing how poorly he is treating you.

FWB doesn't have to treat you like a girlfriend, but he should at least be giving you respect as the bare minimum.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I hate to admit it, but I think you're right and you're spot on! I think I probably would jump at the chance to be in a relationship with him. Although I know it couldn't go anywhere because of his messed up situation with his wife. Especially knowing why he and that woman broke up after dating for a year. I don't want that for myself. I have never put up with this crap in my life. Why am I putting up with it now? I used to have several sex-only relationships while in college (before I met my husband) and these men were all over me. I never had to "beg" for sex in my life. They never made excuses, they just came over when I called them. But of course, they weren't married and didn't have a son, so that's a totally different situation entirely.

You seem inordinately focused on male attention to your sexual prowess and looks -your husband who called you beautiful daily, men who clamored to have sex with you - but this is safe- he cannot be in a relationship with you other than one where he is cheating on his wife who he is "separated" from.  He also has not chosen to divorce, heal from divorce so he can be with you.  Do you really crave male attention to your looks and sex appeal to this extent? I

Yes it is about boundaries. Obviously good sex and the thrill of an unavailable man (a man who has chosen to be unavailable to you for a relationship) can be tempting. I'd focus less on ruminating over the "why am I putting up with this crap" and simply make the choices.  Do you ruminate over why you really want to - buy  that cheesecake and eat it for dinner, tell off a friend who keeps humble bragging etc -no you just choose to  do the right thing. 

So choose to do the right thing -what is right for you emotionally and physically (obviously  you're putting your health at risk having sex with him) and walk the walk - make the harder but right choice -and ruminate later after the healthful choice -that's what a therapist is for. 

[graphicdesigner]

12 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I just feel like you're making excuses for this FWB. He isn't in to you like you are in to him. Thats ok. Just means if you want a relationship and not a situationship, this isn't the guy you want to emotionally invest in or put any effort in to. You need to be directing your energy somewhere else that is worthy of your time.

I know. I do know all of these things. I don't know why it's so difficult to walk away from this toxic situation. It really is toxic because now he's starting to treat me like crap—and he never did before. He's definitely taking advantage of me. Now whenever I text him, he doesn't even reply anymore. He's always been bad about texting anyway, but he would at least respond. Now he doesn't even do that. 

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

That truly is disgusting behavior and if you need someone else to tell you outright, this man does not care about you, nor does he respect you.

You even needing to mention that you'd like a compliment, is beneath you, and you should be telling him that it's over.

He is using you, (no doubt while fantasizing about other women during the act), because he can't get the other women. No one would want to put up with a jerk like him.

Seriously do yourself a favor and don't walk, but run from this situation.

You may be lonely, but don't be so lonely that you put up with being treated this badly.

Thankfully I have my therapy appointment this morning, so I'm hoping she'll enlighten me like you all have. 

4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

There are other men out there who will not only give you the same kind of excitement, but they won't treat you like this guy does.

Honestly, I feel bad for you, because you're not even seeing how poorly he is treating you.

FWB doesn't have to treat you like a girlfriend, but he should at least be giving you respect as the bare minimum.

Trust me, I am seeing how poorly he is treating me. I am definitely privy to that. The thing is, when I am with him, he's wonderful and makes me feel so attractive and sexy when he's with me—and I don't mean from us having sex either, I mean prior to that when he's over here. Our kissing is fantastic and he makes me feel so good. He's so attentive and courteous. He always wants to make sure I'm feeling good.

[graphicdesigner]

The more I read everybody's comments, the more it really wakes me up. I've never had so many responses from an outsider's opinion about this before. I've only told a handful of friends, including my therapist, about this FWB situation. Most of them are my guy friends, so of course to them, it's just sex, what's the big deal? I don't see it that way anymore. I feel like he is making constant excuses to not see me now, and I always feel like I'm "begging" for it, which is so degrading and humiliating. It's never him that initiates getting together, it's always me, and it's getting old fast.

I know this might sound naive, but I do believe him and believe what he's telling me about his marital situation. I know that sounds crazy, but everything he has told me, have turned out to be true. And trust me when I say, I've done my research. Won't go into detail with that.

Also, for the record, I am still dating other men. Since I met him online initially, I am on 3 dating sites at the moment, and I have been seeing lots of wonderful men in the process. But nothing has really struck a spark with me with any of them. There are a few that I've gone out with 2-3 times, and still no chemistry. It's exhausting!