FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[graphicdesigner]

52 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I would encourage you to stay away from thinking and/or labeling him as a POS, or a narcissist or whatever other derogatory labels unhappy people like to toss out when their needs aren't being met.  Why?  Because it causes bitterness and a certain jadedness towards all men and your ability to trust them.

Unless I have missed something, no I don't think he is a POS.  I mean has he lied to you?  Has he misled you?  No.  He's been honest with you from the getgo... brutally honest, so if I may ask why do you think he's a POS?

What he IS, is a man who is not right for YOU.  

Now that you have acknowledged that, what are you going to do?

 

You're right. He's not a POS, he's far from it. Like you said, he's been open and honest with me since day one. He laid his cards on the table on our first date. Now I feel awful because he's always been very honest with me since we met. I think I'm just bitter right now.

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Are you like that in other areas of  your life -engaging in unhealthy behavior because you can't explain it so you keep going back for more - or just going with whatever you fancy whether in your best interests or not?

No, on the contrary I'm the opposite. I'm very much in control of everything in my life, with job, finances, etc. Even with my daughter. But I feel so reckless with this whole situation. I've realized that it has become toxic for me.

45 minutes ago, yogacat said:

But the biggest issue is, and, you can look in the mirror and say this with 100% confidence...even if he got the itch to be in a relationship with you, you need to send him packin'. Because you don't want a real relationship with him, because he has so many things that don't make him great relationship material, and he's still going through a difficult divorce.

That's another problem...he's not going through a divorce. Although they're technically separated, they're still married by law. No legal separation, and no divorce pending.

[Starlight925]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

 He is a POS, when you look at it, and not able to give me what I want. I deserve so much better than this. I have 5 other men who are interested in me. No joke!

No he is not a POS.

He showed you exactly who he is, and you bought it.  Hook, line, and sinker.

He's the Temu of men, all shiny and perfect until you uncover the layers.  You did, and you continued, and you've spent several posts here defending your situation with him.  He's so wonderful, he makes me feel so special, blah blah blah.

He's exactly who he was the first time you unhooked your bra for him.

He's not even planning on a divorce, and you knew this.

These 5 other men....any relationship prospects?  Or more FWB's?

Are you trying to humble-brag about how "hot" you are, that you have 5 men after you?

My advice is, stop with all the men.  The FWB's, the hookups, all of it.  Focus on therapy, on figuring out just why it is that you can't seem to spend one evening without these men fawning all over you.  

There, you'll find your peace.

[graphicdesigner]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

No he is not a POS.

He showed you exactly who he is, and you bought it.  Hook, line, and sinker.

He's the Temu of men, all shiny and perfect until you uncover the layers.  You did, and you continued, and you've spent several posts here defending your situation with him.  He's so wonderful, he makes me feel so special, blah blah blah.

He's exactly who he was the first time you unhooked your bra for him.

He's not even planning on a divorce, and you knew this.

These 5 other men....any relationship prospects?  Or more FWB's?

Are you trying to humble-brag about how "hot" you are, that you have 5 men after you?

My advice is, stop with all the men.  The FWB's, the hookups, all of it.  Focus on therapy, on figuring out just why it is that you can't seem to spend one evening without these men fawning all over you.  

There, you'll find your peace.

No, none of them are FWB's, and as I said before, I do not ever plan on doing this again. I've realized it's not for me anymore. Those days are over. 

And of course I'm not telling you about the 5 men because I think I'm "hot," I simply mentioned it because there are other prospects out there and I am going to embrace that. There are a few who I've gone on 2 dates with, and we're planning on a third date. I'm eager for that. I really like them, but have NO intentions on sleeping with any of them. Not unless something evolves into a relationship. Otherwise, I'll just stay celibate. I'm OK with that.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

You're right. He's not a POS, he's far from it. Like you said, he's been open and honest with me since day one. He laid his cards on the table on our first date. Now I feel awful because he's always been very honest with me since we met. I think I'm just bitter right now.

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, that is not my intention.  But I think it's REAL important that you "own your shyt" as they say, meaning take responsibility for your own choices and your own life.

Yes he did lay his cards on the table on your first date and it was YOUR choice to move forward with him regardless, right?  So that's on YOU, not him.

I am not even negatively judging you for it, I've done same, many women have done same.  When the chemistry is there and our emotions are running in high gear, logic and common sense tend to fly right out the window.

It's something I have become quite aware of and NOW, I utilize both my emotions and logic when making a decision.  I take off the rose colored glasses and see what's right in front of me versus what I want to see....

I would suggest that for you too....  it's NOT easy sometimes when the chemistry is strong but what will eventually happen (it did for me) is that once I acknowledge a man is not good for me, my attraction to him tends to die as well.

Which needless to say makes walking away a WHOLE lot easier!!!

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

You're right. He's not a POS, he's far from it. Like you said, he's been open and honest with me since day one. He laid his cards on the table on our first date. Now I feel awful because he's always been very honest with me since we met. I think I'm just bitter right now.

I agree that he is not a POS, tacky and disrespectful, yes, but it is natural to feel a bit bitter because is still VERY recent. Also, don't discount the fuel that it can provide to move on. I can assure you that as time passes, these feelings will change.

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

That's another problem...he's not going through a divorce. Although they're technically separated, they're still married by law. No legal separation, and no divorce pending.

Something tells me not to his wife's knowledge. But, that's neither here nor there.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He doesn't come back -to you -he comes back -to sex with you. 

He hardly comes back at all, according to a prior post:

Quote

it seems I'm the one who always initiates having sex with him. Never him. And most of the time he turns me down because he's either busy, or whatever with his son. It's always something. 

They've only been involved in this dreary routine for a couple of months and "most of the time" he refuses her advances.

Really ... 

Why???  

[graphicdesigner]

10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^You're sexually addicted.   HE is your "drug" of choice.

Sexual addiction is a real addiction, I would encourage you to discuss with your therapist.

Just like a drug addiction, we know it's bad for us but that temporary high is just so intoxicating so we keep going back. 

It can be hell to kick, but you can with determination and perseverance and I wish you luck on that journey.

 

That's true. He is my drug of choice right now.

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, that is not my intention.  But I think it's REAL important that you "own your shyt" as they say, meaning take responsibility for your own choices and your own life.

Yes he did lay his cards on the table on your first date and it was YOUR choice to move forward with him regardless, right?  So that's on YOU, not him.

I am not even negatively judging you for it, I've done same, many women have done same.  When the chemistry is there and our emotions are running in high gear, logic and common sense tend to fly right out the window.

It's something I have become quite aware of and NOW, I utilize both my emotions and logic when making a decision.  I take off the rose colored glasses and see what's right in front of me versus what I want to see....

I would suggest that for you too....  it's NOT easy sometimes when the chemistry is strong but what will eventually happen (it did for me) is that once I acknowledge a man is not good for me, my attraction to him tends to die as well.

Which needless to say makes walking away a WHOLE lot easier!!!

I am owning up to my own ***! But it doesn't make this any easier for me. I've tried to end it on 3 different occasions, and I still went back. That's on me, not him. I only wish that I would have walked away on that first date when he told me everything. I literally remember thinking to myself "wow, this guy has a ton of baggage." But I went back for more, and on the second date, we had a major make out session which lasted about an hour. It was intense but it felt so good because the last time I've had a kiss like that, it was when I met my husband back in 1993. So, a very long time. I only wish I was strong enough to walk away at that time, but I was really vulnerable—I still am to an extent. But I now know, that I would never tolerate this from any man ever again. I've learned a valuable lesson with this.

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

He hardly comes back at all, according to a prior post:

They've only been involved in this dreary routine for a couple of months and "most of the time" he refuses her advances.

Really ... 

Why???  

Ha. Good question. I ask myself all the time and I've never had to "beg" for sex in my life. It's degrading and humiliating. I hate being in this position. 

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I am owning up to my own ***!

Okay fabulous!  I only mentioned it because you had called him a "POS" earlier so at the time it seemed like you were blaming him.  But I take that back now since you're owning your role and backtracked and said he was not a POS.

26 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I ask myself all the time and I've never had to "beg" for sex in my life. It's degrading and humiliating. I hate being in this position. 

I'm sure you've heard the expression "mind over matter"?    In theory it means "our ability to use our minds to self-regulate in the moment when situations or events seem out of our control."

It's not always easy, it takes a lot of inner strength and fortitude.  And don't I know it!

As far as I can tell, you've taken the first step.  Acknowledging he's not right for you and that he will never be right for you...

On to the next step -- extricating him from your consciousness and your life!

You can do it! 😀

 

 

 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Ha. Good question. I ask myself all the time and I've never had to "beg" for sex in my life. It's degrading and humiliating. I hate being in this position. 

Obviously not enough.  Carry on.

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I am owning up to my own ***! But it doesn't make this any easier for me. I've tried to end it on 3 different occasions, and I still went back. That's on me, not him. I only wish that I would have walked away on that first date when he told me everything. I literally remember thinking to myself "wow, this guy has a ton of baggage." But I went back for more, and on the second date, we had a major make out session which lasted about an hour. It was intense but it felt so good because the last time I've had a kiss like that, it was when I met my husband back in 1993. So, a very long time. I only wish I was strong enough to walk away at that time, but I was really vulnerable—I still am to an extent. But I now know, that I would never tolerate this from any man ever again. I've learned a valuable lesson with this.

Alright. You know this best. 

You'll leave when you'll finally get to a place where you want to leave.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Alright. You know this best. 

You'll leave when you'll finally get to a place where you want to leave.

Yes and I thought you said if he wanted a relationship with you if hypothetically he was divorced -you'd jump at the chance.  

You don't need a drug of choice -you don't need any drug that acts like a drug in that sense -do you? Yes there likely are other prospects and it's hard to find a good match.  But if you truly don't want a potential relationship at this point, and you don't want a sexual arrangement, is it that you want to go on dates with a person you enjoy being with, maybe have some romance but you both know that is what it is -neither of you have the intention or the purpose of seeing if there is long term potential? Then I'd -early on - make that clear -I think there are men in our age group who would like that. 

[graphicdesigner]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and I thought you said if he wanted a relationship with you if hypothetically he was divorced -you'd jump at the chance.  

You don't need a drug of choice -you don't need any drug that acts like a drug in that sense -do you? Yes there likely are other prospects and it's hard to find a good match.  But if you truly don't want a potential relationship at this point, and you don't want a sexual arrangement, is it that you want to go on dates with a person you enjoy being with, maybe have some romance but you both know that is what it is -neither of you have the intention or the purpose of seeing if there is long term potential? Then I'd -early on - make that clear -I think there are men in our age group who would like that. 

Yes, I did say that and I still mean it. Not gonna lie. Since he lives an hour away from me, I feel it's the perfect way to start a relationship, but not get too serious. With the hour long distance, it prevents you from seeing each other too often, which is what I'm looking for right now.

Maybe it seems that I am contradicting myself, but keep in mind, that when I first met him (3.5 months ago), I was in a place where I only wanted something casual, not serious. I had only just started dating and only just started being on dating apps a few months, so I wasn't ready. But once I met him and got to know him, and of course had sex with him, my feelings grew a lot stronger than I had preferred, so that's where I'm at right now. I know I need to walk away because it has become toxic for me, especially since he never reciprocates any of my feelings and wants. Again, I wanted him to come see me tomorrow morning when he's off on his way home, and he said he couldn't because he's taking his son to Montana. 

It's always something.

[Jaunty]

Well ... of course it is.  He's still on the same page that you both were on when you started this. Fun sex when convenient for both of you.  No strings attached.

Also please be aware that he is SMART not to be giving you the compliments you ask for and even talking to you about other hot women may be a self-protective measure on his part.   He is very consciously keeping you at a "safe" distance because he does not want what you want.   He does not want to encourage you.

So - he's treating you in ways that he expects to keep you at arm's length.   

Obviously it's not working because you just want more and more.   

I really do hope you step away before you really cause yourself a painful mess.  I think you've been through enough pain and loss in recent years already.  Why choose, consciously, more?

[graphicdesigner]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Well ... of course it is.  He's still on the same page that you both were on when you started this. Fun sex when convenient for both of you.  No strings attached.

Also please be aware that he is SMART not to be giving you the compliments you ask for and even talking to you about other hot women may be a self-protective measure on his part.   He is very consciously keeping you at a "safe" distance because he does not want what you want.   He does not want to encourage you.

So - he's treating you in ways that he expects to keep you at arm's length.   

Obviously it's not working because you just want more and more.   

I really do hope you step away before you really cause yourself a painful mess.  I think you've been through enough pain and loss in recent years already.  Why choose, consciously, more?

Good point! I definitely concur with your assessment about going through enough pain and loss in my life these past few years. This isn't helping at all. I just think when I met him, I was in a very vulnerable place and he just happened to be there and gave me what I wanted...so I thought at the time. Now it's gotten worse (for me) and is continuing to get worse. I feel like I'm addicted to him! I think about him constantly. Thoughts of him consume me throughout the day and I've even been dreaming about him every night! Obviously that's out of my control, but it's frustrating. It just tells me that I'm thinking about him too much. Last night's dream was wonderful, too.

I bet you're right about not giving me compliments. He most likely wants to keep me at that distance of just a "friend." He talks to me like he talks to one of his friends, but only someone he has sex with occasionally. Since we're only in a FWB relationship, I really shouldn't let it bother me that he doesn't give me compliments (other than being sexually attracted to me). It just makes me so jealous and I hate that feeling.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really shouldn't let it bother me that he doesn't give me compliments (other than being sexually attracted to me). It just makes me so jealous and I hate that feeling.

You feel what you feel.  No shoulds except you shouldn't be lying to yourself that you "can't" leave and "somehow" you end up meeting up with him again.

[graphicdesigner]

On 5/21/2024 at 1:15 AM, Kwothe28 said:

To be fair, him telling you that he is sexually attracted to you means that you are sexy to him. 

Well, I do admit, that does make me feel a lot better and more attractive to him.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I've tried to end it on 3 different occasions, and I still went back.

You don't need to formally end it. He's been out of touch a month, right? So just stop contacting him. If he contacts you, either don't respond, or just tell him that this isn't working for you anymore and you wish him the best.

Boom. Done. No need for him to travel an hour to your place to be an audience for a breakup that isn't even necessary. Maybe he won't even reach out again.

I think you've done nothing 'wrong' beyond recognizing that FWBs are not what you want. We all make a decision about casual sex at some point. While it's much easier to clarify while we aren't in the throes of obsessing, this doesn't mean that you "can't" let this guy go, it's simply been that you "wouldn't," but now you've made a better decision.

Head high.

[graphicdesigner]

9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You don't need to formally end it. He's been out of touch a month, right? So just stop contacting him. If he contacts you, either don't respond, or just tell him that this isn't working for you anymore and you wish him the best.

Boom. Done. No need for him to travel an hour to your place to be an audience for a breakup that isn't even necessary. Maybe he won't even reach out again.

I think you've done nothing 'wrong' beyond recognizing that FWBs are not what you want. We all make a decision about casual sex at some point. While it's much easier to clarify while we aren't in the throes of obsessing, this doesn't mean that you "can't" let this guy go, it's simply been that you "wouldn't," but now you've made a better decision.

Head high.

I actually didn't text him to officially end it, but to come by for, well...you know! I haven't seen him in a month, but we have spoken on the phone a few times (for an hour to 2 hours), and have texted here and there. We just haven't had sex in a month. Today is one month exactly, actually. But I definitely agree, that I'm not gonna bother texting or calling him to end it. I'll just simply ghost him.

[catfeeder]

26 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

But I definitely agree, that I'm not gonna bother texting or calling him to end it. I'll just simply ghost him.

You know, one agreement that's common to FWB's is that we're doing this while we both still feel good about it, but if either of us wants out, we can just BE out. So good for you. You're having enough difficulty redirecting your focus onto healthier pursuits, so there's no need to complicate that with a fear of getting pulled back in.

I wouldn't indulge any finger-wags about 'ghosting' someone who has left you flapping in the breeze for so long. Skip that, or call it something else if you must. You can call it "letting go," and you owe nobody any explanations for doing that YOUR way. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.

[graphicdesigner]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

You know, one agreement that's common to FWB's is that we're doing this while we both still feel good about it, but if either of us wants out, we can just BE out. So good for you. You're having enough difficulty redirecting your focus onto healthier pursuits, so there's no need to complicate that with a fear of getting pulled back in.

I wouldn't indulge any finger-wags about 'ghosting' someone who has left you flapping in the breeze for so long. Skip that, or call it something else if you must. You can call it "letting go," and you owe nobody any explanations for doing that YOUR way. You'll thank yourself sooner rather than later.

Thank you! I like that...."just letting go!" Because at this point, I really don't owe him anything, and technically he doesn't owe me anything either. It just is/was. No need to complicate it further.

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Thank you! I like that...."just letting go!" Because at this point, I really don't owe him anything, and technically he doesn't owe me anything either. It just is/was. No need to complicate it further.

Yes, and you also get to choose the degree to which any of this 'must' matter to you. You can chalk it off as an experiment that taught you something important about yourself, as opposed to drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by characterizing it as a tragedy.

You hold unique value that simply will not be apparent to every person. This is true of all of us. The goal is to find simpatico with someone who can view you through the right lens. Also true of all of us. Most people will NOT be a good match--this is natural odds. It's the truth behind the meme about needing to meet a lot of toads and frogs before stumbling on a prince. Sometimes this works against us when we're attracted to someone who doesn't own the capacity to see and appreciate our unique value. Other times it works against us when we're the ones who need to reject someone. But if you can depersonalize this in the same way you'd consider two puzzle pieces that don't fit together as 'equally valid' to the overall picture, then you'll gain the resilience that's necessary to roll with the dating process--until you find simpatico with the RIGHT guy.

EnjOy the process. You deserve to be happy.

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, and you also get to choose the degree to which any of this 'must' matter to you. You can chalk it off as an experiment that taught you something important about yourself, as opposed to drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by characterizing it as a tragedy.

You hold unique value that simply will not be apparent to every person. This is true of all of us. The goal is to find simpatico with someone who can view you through the right lens. Also true of all of us. Most people will NOT be a good match--this is natural odds. It's the truth behind the meme about needing to meet a lot of toads and frogs before stumbling on a prince. Sometimes this works against us when we're attracted to someone who doesn't own the capacity to see and appreciate our unique value. Other times it works against us when we're the ones who need to reject someone. But if you can depersonalize this in the same way you'd consider two puzzle pieces that don't fit together as 'equally valid' to the overall picture, then you'll gain the resilience that's necessary to roll with the dating process--until you find simpatico with the RIGHT guy.

EnjOy the process. You deserve to be happy.

Beautifully said @catfeeder 🩷

 

[graphicdesigner]

54 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, and you also get to choose the degree to which any of this 'must' matter to you. You can chalk it off as an experiment that taught you something important about yourself, as opposed to drilling yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of by characterizing it as a tragedy.

You hold unique value that simply will not be apparent to every person. This is true of all of us. The goal is to find simpatico with someone who can view you through the right lens. Also true of all of us. Most people will NOT be a good match--this is natural odds. It's the truth behind the meme about needing to meet a lot of toads and frogs before stumbling on a prince. Sometimes this works against us when we're attracted to someone who doesn't own the capacity to see and appreciate our unique value. Other times it works against us when we're the ones who need to reject someone. But if you can depersonalize this in the same way you'd consider two puzzle pieces that don't fit together as 'equally valid' to the overall picture, then you'll gain the resilience that's necessary to roll with the dating process--until you find simpatico with the RIGHT guy.

EnjOy the process. You deserve to be happy.

Exactly! That's why I'm continuing on this dating path, because I have really enjoyed meeting these men because they've been wonderful. I even made a good friend out of it. I just didn't find him attractive enough to date, but I enjoyed going out with him because he has a great personality, so we continued to go out and now we share our dating stories with each other. It's worked out.

[graphicdesigner]

Also? And I hate this part, I am constantly looking at pictures of him. I hate that I do that, and I'm trying so hard to stop. It's as though I'm hoping by looking at them, that I'll be "turned off" somehow, but it's only making it worse. I've literally become obsessed with him, and it's scary.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I've literally become obsessed with him

^^Took the words.  Sounds more like an obsession than an addiction or perhaps it's both.

Okay so remember what I posted about mind over matter?  You "liked" the post but it doesn't appear you're making much of an effort to put into practice!

Why is that?  I mean at least try?

Self-care and self-control.  Of your emotions and making an effort to extricate him from your heart.

Even continuing to talk about him HERE is keeping you "stuck" and preventing you from letting go and moving on.   Having the support is good and can be beneficial at first but after awhile it's just repeating the same thing over and over.  Which isn't actually helping imo, it's only serving to keep you stuck and HIM alive in your head (and heart).

My advice in YOUR case is block him.  This way every time your phone pings w a message, you won't be jumping to see if it's him.  THAT can also keep you stuck and prevent you from letting go and moving on.

I would also advise deleting his messages and pictures or moving them to a place where you don't have easy access to them.   Reading old messages, looking at pics is also keeping you stuck.

So many things you can do to help yourself!!  But yet you choose not to and instead continue to "talk about" him and your addiction/obsession etc.

Why is that? 

I am beginning to think you enjoy the state of obsession you're in.   Hey, at least it's enabling you to FEEL even if it's pain most of the time.

It beats feeling nothing inside, dead.  Which I am guessing is how you've been feeling for the past few years since your husband passed?  

I KNOW how that goes too!   Not "feeling" anything, any emotions at all.  Dead inside.

Even the pain you're feeling is better than that.