Jump to content

FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.


Recommended Posts

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

What a great situation that you met your FWB a year later and you ended up being in a LTR with each other for 5 years! That's awesome. I never asked him if that woman met his brothers/sisters (especially his twin brother), but I know she's met his son on multiple occasions.

Thanks!

We were dating, but when we talked about being exclusive, he wasn't "ready." So, I left. We ran into each other a year or so later, I was dating someone at the time, so was he, and after a few months he stopped dating the other woman and pursued me for another couple of months. Then, the rest was history! lol

I do hope you find happiness, whether it is in this relationship or another one. 

It's obvious being in this "FWB" sphere isn't what brings you happiness. So, with that, I hope when you chat with him about it if the outcome is not what you're looking for, that you're able to move on and find what you are looking for!!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
38 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thanks!

We were dating, but when we talked about being exclusive, he wasn't "ready." So, I left. We ran into each other a year or so later, I was dating someone at the time, so was he, and after a few months he stopped dating the other woman and pursued me for another couple of months. Then, the rest was history! lol

I do hope you find happiness, whether it is in this relationship or another one. 

It's obvious being in this "FWB" sphere isn't what brings you happiness. So, with that, I hope when you chat with him about it if the outcome is not what you're looking for, that you're able to move on and find what you are looking for!!

Thank you, I do appreciate your kind sentiments. I do hope to see him this Wednesday, but not sure yet. He's still not back from Montana with his son, but I'm gonna see if he can come over on Wednesday when he gets off work. 

If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. I have no idea how he'll react honestly, but I have a feeling that he'll just say no, that's not what he wants and that's it. End of story. 

I'll keep you all posted.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

Thank you, I do appreciate your kind sentiments. I do hope to see him this Wednesday, but not sure yet. He's still not back from Montana with his son, but I'm gonna see if he can come over on Wednesday when he gets off work. 

If it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. I have no idea how he'll react honestly, but I have a feeling that he'll just say no, that's not what he wants and that's it. End of story. 

I'll keep you all posted.

But are you going to keep the bargaining going should he say ‘no’ to a relationship with you? Will you return to the current status quo of random hook-ups as you react out of the absolute fear of never seeing or being with him again, despite the nature of your interactions not being what you want? That is the real question. 

You are not friends with benefits because you want something more and I suspect he will not want to give more. And, by your own admission, he has never solicited sex from you or pursued you in any way, he simply doesn’t turn down sex with you when offered. At what point are you going to recognise that what you require from him (commitment) is a dealbreaker and then actually “break” the deal instead of changing the goal post so as not to lose him? This path doesn’t lead to happiness.

You’re wasting your life on someone who doesn’t really care if you’re in his or not. He’d just as soon have you in it as he’d have you not - it doesn’t really bother him one way or another, as, if his non-committal lifestyle is so paramount to him that he is willing to end  a relationship with someone he loves, imagine how unbothered he will be to accept things being over with someone he doesn’t love, because he isn’t going to change for you.

You deserve to be someone’s person again.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Also I really really hope  you lose that mindset, that notion that what his ex gf looks like has any relevance at all to whether you measure up/are worthy of being his gf.  It simply doesn't work that way -seeing a photo of someone and playing this comparison game.  I look something like my husband's ex gf he was with for about a year, before we got back together after several years apart.  He's not with me because I am prettier/younger looking than she is and if I'd believed she was prettier than me I still would not have been concerned when she wanted him back a couple of months after ending things with him and after we were already back together.  

However, if I met someone's ex and truly believed that person was a better match than me in some way and I was already insecure, that might make me insecure -but not solely based on what she looked like vs. what I looked like.  It's not worth the stomach aches or headaches this ruminating over what his ex looked like and "going there" as far as what that means for your chances to win the prize you think he is.  JMHO.

Link to comment
26 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

But are you going to keep the bargaining going should he say ‘no’ to a relationship with you? Will you return to the current status quo of random hook-ups as you react out of the absolute fear of never seeing or being with him again, despite the nature of your interactions not being what you want? That is the real question. 

You are not friends with benefits because you want something more and I suspect he will not want to give more. And, by your own admission, he has never solicited sex from you or pursued you in any way, he simple doesn’t turn down sex with you when offered. At what point are you going to recognise that what you require from him (commitment) is a dealbreaker and then actually “break” the deal instead of changing the goal post so as not to lose him? This path doesn’t lead to happiness.

You’re wasting your life on someone who doesn’t really care if you’re in his or not. He’d just as soon have you in it as he’d have you not - it doesn’t really bother him one way or another, as, if his non-committal lifestyle is so paramount to him that he is willing to end  a relationship with someone he loves, imagine how unbothered he will be to accept things being over with someone he doesn’t love, because he isn’t going to change for you.

You deserve to be someone’s person again.

Oh, he has declined sex with me on several occasions. He doesn't always drop everything and come and see me to have sex. There have been many many instances where he had to decline. Whether it was a work commitment, his son (most of the time) or something else going on in his life. That's what's so discouraging with him. I wish he would accept every time I've asked. That's what a crazy life this man has. I am the last on his list, so to speak. I am not a thought in his head when or if he wants to come see me, because other issues in his life take priority. He literally told me that once. That I am on the bottom of his commitments. His son, of course should always take priority, and of course his job. But stupid things like he's got to do yard work or work on the house or blah blah blah, that I don't get. I mean, the most he ever stays is 2-3 hours. It's not like he's here all day long, or even stays the night. He never does.

And yes, I always think to myself how if he was so quick to end it after a year with a woman he claims he was in love with, then I am nothing but a convenience and an acquaintance to him. Nothing more. I can't tell you how much this kills me inside.

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also I really really hope  you lose that mindset, that notion that what his ex gf looks like has any relevance at all to whether you measure up/are worthy of being his gf.  It simply doesn't work that way -seeing a photo of someone and playing this comparison game.  I look something like my husband's ex gf he was with for about a year, before we got back together after several years apart.  He's not with me because I am prettier/younger looking than she is and if I'd believed she was prettier than me I still would not have been concerned when she wanted him back a couple of months after ending things with him and after we were already back together.  

However, if I met someone's ex and truly believed that person was a better match than me in some way and I was already insecure, that might make me insecure -but not solely based on what she looked like vs. what I looked like.  It's not worth the stomach aches or headaches this ruminating over what his ex looked like and "going there" as far as what that means for your chances to win the prize you think he is.  JMHO.

I know you're right. It's just hard to get out of that mindset. I guess I've always been one of those people that thinks looks matter. Maybe that makes me shallow in a way, but I always think if I'm better looking than say, his wife or his ex, then he'll fall for me, right? Stupid, I know.

God, the more I read my own words describing this man, simply make me sick to my stomach. How could I have been so stupid to let this man in my life, and worse, let him treat me this way? 

Link to comment
Just now, graphicdesigner said:

Oh, he has declined sex with me on several occasions. He doesn't always drop everything and come and see me to have sex. There have been many many instances where he had to decline. Whether it was a work commitment, his son (most of the time) or something else going on in his life. That's what's so discouraging with him. I wish he would accept every time I've asked. That's what a crazy life this man has. I am the last on his list, so to speak. I am not a thought in his head when or if he wants to come see me, other issues take priority. His son, of course should always take priority, and of course his job. But stupid things like he's got to do yard work or work on the house or blah blah blah, that I don't get. I mean, the most he ever stays is 2-3 hours. It's not like he's here all day long, or even stays the night. He never does.

And yes, I always think to myself how if he was so quick to end it after a year with a woman he claims he was in love with, then I am nothing but a convenience and an acquaintance to him. Nothing more. I can't tell you how much this kills me inside.

I know you're right. It's just hard to get out of that mindset. I guess I've always been one of those people that thinks looks matter. Maybe that makes me shallow in a way, but I always think if I'm better looking than say, his wife or his ex, then he'll fall for me, right? Stupid, I know.

I am not even referring to shallow - I'm referring to what a waste of time. Of course looks matter! We're talking only about this comparison game you're playing -and based on a photo! Such a waste of time and such a trigger for negativity.  Don't you want a man to fall for you -the whole you? 

Link to comment
Just now, Batya33 said:

I am not even referring to shallow - I'm referring to what a waste of time. Of course looks matter! We're talking only about this comparison game you're playing -and based on a photo! Such a waste of time and such a trigger for negativity.  Don't you want a man to fall for you -the whole you? 

Absolutely! It's what I desire.

Link to comment
9 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

Absolutely! It's what I desire.

But then it won't matter what his exes looked like and as you and I know photos are questionable anyway.  And yes for sure after my first catch up dinner with my future husband I did my detective work, found Her photo and sent it to my friends with - ok ok so what do you all think (at that moment they were still together - no he didn't cheat on her in the least - our dinner was totally two exes catching up after many years. They were already on the outs and officially broke up before we got back together. 

Link to comment
2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But then it won't matter what his exes looked like and as you and I know photos are questionable anyway.  And yes for sure after my first catch up dinner with my future husband I did my detective work, found Her photo and sent it to my friends with - ok ok so what do you all think (at that moment they were still together - no he didn't cheat on her in the least - our dinner was totally two exes catching up after many years. They were already on the outs and officially broke up before we got back together. 

That's funny. I literally did that exact same thing last night when my friend and I went to that movie. I showed her a pic of his wife because I wanted to see what she thought of her. I knew she would be honest with me, so I wanted her opinion. Silly.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
2 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

That's funny. I literally did that exact same thing last night when my friend and I went to that movie. I showed her a pic of his wife because I wanted to see what she thought of her. I knew she would be honest with me, so I wanted her opinion. Silly.

I know -that extent is .... normal I'm talking about ruminating/spending this much time on it.  For sure I noticed that the ex I was into -who wasn't into me - met his future wife 6 months later after being sort of a confirmed bachelor-and for sure I noticed she was prettier than me.  It's not a good look - but beyond that I didn't get all intense about it -simply accepted it.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
48 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

It's just hard to get out of that mindset. I guess I've always been one of those people that thinks looks matter. Maybe that makes me shallow in a way, but I always think if I'm better looking than say, his wife or his ex, then he'll fall for me, right? Stupid, I know.

^^You've said this before, that your mindset and actions are "stupid" yet you continue with the same mindset! Sigh.

Even drug addicts, once they get real with themselves and realize they have a serious problem, will take steps to heal themselves. 

Many people are in denial about such things so don't seek help or make any effort to help themselves however you're NOT in denial that's what's really sad.  

I'm going to suggest reading some great books about romantic attraction, how men and women fall in love, interpersonal relations, human behavior and the like. Read and learn.  

You're very sadly mistaken if you believe your outward beauty alone will capture a man's heart.

It might cause a man to want to have sex with you and feel "sexually attracted" but it will NOT **inspire** him to care about you OR love you. 

And personally I think it's a real insult to men to suggest or believe it will!

Men's love runs much deeper than that despite what's written and preached on some men's forums, PUA and seduction forums. 

Self-respect and self-love are big on their lists, both of which you have NOT demonstrated to him in the 3.5 months you've been FWB.

Simply agreeing to this type of arrangement wherein you're literally begging for his attention and sex tells him that. 

Re his ex(s), whose looks you are so obsessed with, I don't know her or them obviously but if I were to venture a guess he did NOT fall in love with her/them for their looks or outward beauty.  

Physical attraction IS important but it's not why he fell in love. 

He fell in love because unlike you, they respected themselves and possess self love and as such would never agree to this type of arrangement nor "beg" for his attention or sex.

A man cannot truly love a woman unless SHE first loves herself.  Same for women about men.

Not gonna happen.

Not to sound harsh, but you're 59 years of age, it's about time you learn that don't you think? 

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I still have hope that once you take this all in, you'll realize you deserve better, you're worth more than this arrangement and you will end it. 

Totally agree however again what makes this truly sad is that she knows she deserves better, she has admitted as such in earlier posts. 

But doesnt care..  All she cares about is getting her "fix" no matter what the emotional cost to her self-esteem and self-worth. 

That's my read on it anyway....

@graphicdesignerI mentionrd therapy earlier and I hope you will consider it.

It's nothing to be ashamed of (if you are) it's helped me A LOT over the years and still helps me!

Or rather it helps me to help myself.  

Another suggestion when you talk to him.  Make a promise to yourself that you will be and stay strong.

For YOU and no one else.  

Link to comment
3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree however again what makes this truly sad is that she knows she deserves better, she has admitted as such in earlier posts. 

But doesnt care..  All she cares about is getting her "fix" no matter what the emotional cost to her self-esteem and self-worth. 

That's my read on it anyway....

@graphicdesignerI mentionrd therapy earlier and I hope you will consider it.

It's nothing to be ashamed of (if you are) it's helped me A LOT over the years and still helps me!

Or rather it helps me to help myself.  

Another suggestion when you talk to him.  Make a promise to yourself that you will be and stay strong.

For YOU and no one else.  

I have mentioned already that I just started therapy two weeks ago (this Tuesday will be our third session). She knows all about him and I've told her everything. I am going to continue to see her every Tuesday until we get things worked out. She said she wants to work on my self worth.

Link to comment
On 5/25/2024 at 8:33 PM, graphicdesigner said:

But I haven't slept with anyone else other than him—he is still the first and only man that I have slept with since my husband died, and I've only kissed one other man other than him, and we didn't end up going out again because we live 2 hours from each other. So it never got further than that.

What about your "ex boyfriend" that you've mentioned?  

Quote

Like my ex-boyfriend did when he cheated on his wife continuously throughout their marriage. One woman, he actually got engaged to, even while he was married. She had no idea he was married and had no idea that he had kids (he has 3 kids)

 

Link to comment
5 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

I have mentioned already that I just started therapy two weeks ago (this Tuesday will be our third session). She knows all about him and I've told her everything. I am going to continue to see her every Tuesday until we get things worked out. She said she wants to work on my self worth.

Therapy is great but it's still up to you to put the stuff learned into practice. You can't sit back and say, oh, 60 minutes, and now I expect to be changed and transformed, inside and out.

For instance, I have a fear of flying. I 110% hate it. But I do it, I hate it, but I follow through.

My options are: avoid anything that requires a plane (hmm, boring, no trips, good job, yeah that's going to work out real well), deal with it (bite the bullet and fly) or figure out ways to make myself more comfortable (clothing to make me feel safer, tips to reduce anxiety, practice long deep breaths with eyes closed and headphones on to trick my brain that I'm back in a vehicle and not somehow floating 30,000 feet in the air).

None of those things are "fun" per se. Your therapist will give you the tools, support and understanding, but YOU are the one that has to follow through with those changes. 

Can I ask a question ---> is this man still romantically involved with his wife? What's the story there? Is he cheating on his wife with you?

Link to comment
10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

What about your "ex boyfriend" that you've mentioned?  

 

What about him? We're still friends and have been for 35 years. We've always stayed in touch, because that's just how we are. We only broke up because I moved from NYC to transfer to another university and ended up staying here once I met my husband.

And no, I haven't had sex with him since we dated back in 1989. I met my husband in 1993 and got married in 1994.

5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Can I ask a question ---> is this man still romantically involved with his wife? What's the story there? Is he cheating on his wife with you?

No, he's not still romantically involved with his wife. Not for 10 years. She has her boyfriend, and he does, well whatever. He says he rarely sees her, and when they do see each other, it's mainly for their son and they never get along. As I've said, they are literally separated, not legally, but separated.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

.No, he's not still romantically involved with his wife. Not for 10 years. She has her boyfriend, and he does, well whatever. He says he rarely sees her, and when they do see each other, it's mainly for their son and they never get along. As I've said, they are literally separated, not legally, but separated.

If that’s the case, why do you think about it every day and feel guilty? If he dislikes her so much, why, after 10 years, are they still married or, at the very least, not legally separated? Not saying you’re being dishonest, but something isn’t adding up about what he’s telling you.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
8 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

No, he's not still romantically involved with his wife. Not for 10 years. She has her boyfriend, and he does, well whatever. He says he rarely sees her, and when they do see each other, it's mainly for their son and they never get along. As I've said, they are literally separated, not legally, but separated.

You're very preoccupied with his wife. How is their relationship now not relevant to your question?  

Under normal conditions, you're probably right, the absence of compliments would not have much significance. But not when the window of opportunity is so narrow. 

He mostly talks about himself, not very concerned, at least innately with your feelings, yes? To his credit he has a full schedule, but -- he's got another woman in his life.

Whether romantic or not, he's still in touch with her, and in some sort of relationship with her, too. It shouldn't be relevant, except that the situation's driving you crazy. You're working extra hard and taking risks to be with him, and he's got another woman in his life.

It's not ludicrous to say he's in two relationships at the same time.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

If that’s the case, why do you think about it every day and feel guilty? If he dislikes her so much, why, after 10 years, are they still married or, at the very least, not legally separated? Not saying you’re being dishonest, but something isn’t adding up about what he’s telling you.

Believe me, I've struggled with this since I met him. At first, I really didn't believe him when he said there was nothing romantically there. He never talks badly about her except that he says she's selfish and of course that she cheated on him. He'll say other small things, but nothing major. It's difficult for me because I'm not only new at this, but dating someone (not just him) who's divorced is really hard to handle. I'm not used to having an ex-wife/wife in the picture. When I met my husband, neither of us had ever been married before. In fact, neither of us were in any recent serious relationships. There was literally no baggage, no nothing. It was wonderful. Now that I'm dating at 59 and I'm a widow with a daughter, I'm meeting all kinds of men with baggage. Whether they're divorced, amicable or not with their ex-wives, or in this case, still married but separated, but not legally separated? It's all so weird and new to me.

I think that's why I'm "obsessed" with his wife. I'm so curious about their marriage and the type of relationship they had. Maybe because I also was married for a long time. What caused her to cheat? I asked him this recently and he told me he knew why. Which seems so odd to me, because apparently it had to do with her brother. Long story. Again, their story to share, not mine. Knowing that, I would NEVER ever put my brother before my husband. Especially my brother who has his own set of issues. Regardless, my husband and my child always came first. According to him—and I realize it's his side of the story and not hers—it wasn't the case with his wife.

Obviously, the only 'proof' that I have, is his word. So far, his word has been good so I really have no reason to not believe him at this point. If he proves me otherwise, then that'll be a different story.

31 minutes ago, yogacat said:

You're very preoccupied with his wife. How is their relationship now not relevant to your question?  

Under normal conditions, you're probably right, the absence of compliments would not have much significance. But not when the window of opportunity is so narrow. 

He mostly talks about himself, not very concerned, at least innately with your feelings, yes? To his credit he has a full schedule, but -- he's got another woman in his life.

Whether romantic or not, he's still in touch with her, and in some sort of relationship with her, too. It shouldn't be relevant, except that the situation's driving you crazy. You're working extra hard and taking risks to be with him, and he's got another woman in his life.

It's not ludicrous to say he's in two relationships at the same time.

No, not at all. When we talk, it's never just about him, it's about me, too. He always asks me questions about situations, etc. We actually talk to each other, it's not just his side, and it's not just my side. It's both of us. We discuss our marriages, our children a lot, and other things in his life and my life. Our conversations always evolve, they're never one-sided.

Of course he's still in touch with her. They have a son together. A teenage son. I wouldn't expect them not to keep in touch. Maybe as he gets older, they won't need to talk really, but even now, he says it's not often at all. Yes, technically he has another woman in his life—his wife. That will never ever change, even if they got divorced. Because they have a son together, she will always be in his life. That's the downside of dating men who are divorced with kids. Again, I'm not used to this new dynamic in my life.

 

Link to comment
13 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

What about him? We're still friends and have been for 35 years. We've always stayed in touch, because that's just how we are. We only broke up because I moved from NYC to transfer to another university and ended up staying here once I met my husband.

I see.  I was confused.  I don't know anyone who is married or has been married for a long time who talks about their boy / girlfriend from decades ago, before they were ever married, as their "ex boy/girlfriend."   

I'm not sure why but it's not a common usage of the term.  

So I thought this was someone you had been seeing since your husband's death and before this hookup situation.

Sorry.

 

Link to comment
8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You may have said before and I've forgotten but why are they not divorced?  

Mainly because of assets. They own a lot of property together and they can't afford to buy each other out. And they don't want to sell the house that their son grew up in because they want to be able to leave it to him. Plus, he's got a pension from 30 years and since this is a community state, he'd have to split it with her. 

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I see.  I was confused.  I don't know anyone who is married or has been married for a long time who talks about their boy / girlfriend from decades ago, before they were ever married, as their "ex boy/girlfriend."   

I'm not sure why but it's not a common usage of the term.  

So I thought this was someone you had been seeing since your husband's death and before this hookup situation.

Sorry.

No apologies necessary. I realize it's a very unusual thing to still stay in touch with your ex-boyfriend from that long ago, it's just something we always did. We only broke up because I transferred to another school/state and although we tried to do the long distance thing, it didn't work. I was in college, I wanted to have fun, I didn't want a boyfriend that lived 2000 miles away. My husband actually met him and really liked him. My husband has met a lot of my ex-boyfriends, he wasn't a jealous person and I've met a few of his ex-girlfriends, too. Didn't bother me one bit. 

I honestly don't know what else to call him other than my ex-boyfriend since we dated for a year. And no, I haven't dated him since before I met my husband when I moved here back in 1990.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

We only broke up because I transferred to another school/state and although we tried to do the long distance thing, it didn't work. I was in college, I wanted to have fun, I didn't want a boyfriend that lived 2000 miles away. My husband actually met him and really liked him.

Maybe this is off topic - but I think it's not.

What you have to say about this "ex boyfriend:"

Quote

he cheated on his wife continuously throughout their marriage. One woman, he actually got engaged to, even while he was married. She had no idea he was married and had no idea that he had kids (he has 3 kids)

This was your boyfriend for a short time in college ... and he sounds like a horrible individual.  Why are you still keeping this "ex boyfriend" close to you after all these years?

He sounds similar to the FWB guy in character.   

You find this kind of person appealing?   And go to efforts to have them in your life?  Why.

 

Link to comment

Well guys, I did it. I spoke to him last night and told him I'm not happy with just a FWB situation, and I wanted something more. I want companionship. Since neither of us want a bf/gf situation or a serious relationship right now, I proposed to him that we would just see each other exclusively but it would still be a casual relationship. We weren't required to see each other everyday or that often—mainly because of the distance and his family situation—and he agreed! He said let's do it. I said let's give it a shot, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. He made me pinky swear lol. 

So we'll see what happens.

Link to comment
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...