FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Also? And I hate this part, I am constantly looking at pictures of him. I hate that I do that, and I'm trying so hard to stop. It's as though I'm hoping by looking at them, that I'll be "turned off" somehow, but it's only making it worse. I've literally become obsessed with him, and it's scary.

Ditch the pics!

They are not serving you well.

[DarkCh0c0]

12 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Also? And I hate this part, I am constantly looking at pictures of him. I hate that I do that, and I'm trying so hard to stop. It's as though I'm hoping by looking at them, that I'll be "turned off" somehow, but it's only making it worse. I've literally become obsessed with him, and it's scary

Well, what if I tell you that's okay?

It's not a big deal if we choose not to make a big deal out of it.

Look through his pictures and let it out of your system. It's okay. 

Maybe think of what makes him so attractive to you? Can you keep dating while looking for those quality/criterion in other men? Or are you happy staying an fwb for now and getting the minimal sex from him?

The obsession could be fleeting. It shall pass.

[graphicdesigner]

3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Well, what if I tell you that's okay?

It's not a big deal if we choose not to make a big deal out of it.

Look through his pictures and let it out of your system. It's okay. 

Maybe think of what makes him so attractive to you? Can you keep dating while looking for those quality/criterion in other men? Or are you happy staying an fwb for now and getting the minimal sex from him?

The obsession could be fleeting. It shall pass.

Yes, I am still dating other men. I'm definitely not holding out and waiting for him. He knows I'm dating, and he claims he isn't because he says he doesn't have time. I can actually see that, but one never knows. He could be lying. He lives an hour away, so it's not like I'm likely to run into him. But his 19 year old son is pretty destructive and there are always issues arising with him. I think I remember him saying early on that his son is Autistic. Can't remember, but if he is, then he's obviously high functioning Autistic because he drives, snowboards, rides dirt bikes and rides snowmobiles. I have no idea about this kid, but he's always getting into crazy stuff which a few times, has already prevented us from seeing each other as a result of his destructive behavior. He's a good father, I'll give him that.

These pictures that I look at are not in my phone, I research them out through his work's Facebook website and his friend's Facebook pictures. So yeah, pretty sad, I dig them up to look at them for a few seconds. Even with google I've seen a few pics of him. I always try to talk myself out of his relationship when I see his pics, because he's not really THAT good looking. He's sort of nerdy looking, but I like nerdy. And I was attracted to him the minute we met.

[Batya33]

He's not dating because he doesn't have time -sure ok but it's not because "I plan on getting a divorce ASAP so I can date you"

Very often physical features don't have much at all to do with sexual attraction. 

[graphicdesigner]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's not dating because he doesn't have time -sure ok but it's not because "I plan on getting a divorce ASAP so I can date you"

Very often physical features don't have much at all to do with sexual attraction. 

Really? I would think it was the opposite. You'd have to be attracted to them for a FWB. Why have sex with someone you're not dating if you're not attracted to them? I am completely attracted to him and in my eyes, he's handsome, just not the typical "handsome" that one would think.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Really? I would think it was the opposite. You'd have to be attracted to them for a FWB. Why have sex with someone you're not dating if you're not attracted to them? I am completely attracted to him and in my eyes, he's handsome, just not the typical "handsome" that one would think.

To me physical features don't always correlate with sexual attraction.  You are very focused on physical features and labeling "nerdy" and being surprised you feel sexual attraction to a man who is not -according to you - "typical" handsome whatever the heck that is.  I went out with many objectively handsome man -I mean stereotypically -and felt nothing at all and went out with men who were not and we had great attraction and chemistry.  

You two are not FWB -he is not a friend to you -is he? Does a friend make thoughtless comments about other's body parts and hotness? Yes if he is having sex with you he likely is sexually attracted to you.

[jul-els]

Fwb means you don’t get hurt or jealous. That’s the definition of fwb. This is more than a casual fling for you and you have become emotionally invested. You need to either disclose this to him or cut ties with him. He’s fine with the fwb arrangement. The two of you are not on the same page and you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. 

[rainbowsandroses]

44 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

You'd have to be attracted to them for a FWB.

Not necessarily.  I've heard some men say they could have sex with a woman with a bag over her head -- it's just sex.  Perhaps some women feel the same about men too.

44 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

he's handsome, just not the typical "handsome" that one would think.

^^I totally get this.  He's not 'classically' handsome (for example model looks) but handsome "to you."

There's just that somethin somethin that you find appealing that often can't even be described.

I'm the same with respect to face.  I've been attracted to men who my friends thought were average or less.  

It's always subjective, for me.  It's just something extraordinary that again cannot even be explained.

I am a bit more particular about a man's physique.  I don't think I could ever be "attracted to" a man who was overweight and completely out of shape. 

Not just because of the physical aspect but it speaks volumes about how he takes care of himself and his health and having pride and a sense of self worth, it's all tied together imo..

I hold myself to that same standard.

[graphicdesigner]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am a bit more particular about a man's physique.  I don't think I could ever be "attracted to" a man who was overweight and completely out of shape. 

Not just because of the physical aspect but it speaks volumes about how he takes care of himself and his health and having pride and a sense of self worth, it's all tied together imo..

I actually feel the same exact way. They have to be in shape, not muscular or buff per se, but in shape and healthy. My husband was in excellent shape the entire time we were married, and had a very flat/washboard stomach, so that's what I'm used to. This man is also in shape, as he needs to be because of what he does for a living.

One time I went on a date a few weeks ago, where his pics showed him being in shape with a somewhat flat stomach. When he showed up, he was disgusting! He was so huge that when he went to hug me, his stomach touched mine. It was so gross and I was so mad because he completely mispresented himself. Needless to say, I ended the date much earlier.

[graphicdesigner]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes if he is having sex with you he likely is sexually attracted to you.

I'm pretty sure he is since he's told me that several times.

[Jaunty]

29 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I'm pretty sure he is since he's told me that several times.

For sure.  I have to say - and sorry if this is hurtful but it might help you get back to common sense - not super attracted.  Otherwise he would not turn you down the majority of times you approach him for sex. He'd be all over that.   At least - that's how it has always worked in my experience.

 

[graphicdesigner]

50 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

For sure.  I have to say - and sorry if this is hurtful but it might help you get back to common sense - not super attracted.  Otherwise he would not turn you down the majority of times you approach him for sex. He'd be all over that.   At least - that's how it has always worked in my experience.

 

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

@graphicdesigner2005I realize it's no fun to feel badly but wouldn't you rather people be REAL with you versus leading you down some garden rosy path?

IMO and for me personally once I start facing the reality of a situation instead of telling myself stories to avoid having to deal with the disappointment and pain of acknowledging that a man may not be as "into me" as I am into him, it's makes it A LOT easier to let go and move on.

I mean seriously, do you honestly believe a man who is super attracted to you and into you would be behaving towards you the way he is?  Really?

Rejecting your invites, dismissive, creating distance, fawning over/complimenting other women while in your presence, and otherwise NOT being available physically and emotionally?

No it's not because he lives an hour away, heck for two years I drove one hour to and from work every single day, many people do.

And for a man who is super attracted and into you, HE would be doing same!  Perhaps not every day (although I dated a man who DID) but certainly more often than one a MONTH!!

Also, a man who is super attracted and into you makes time to see you and spend time no matter how "busy" he is in his work or his life.

You have to know that!! 

Yes it hurts like hell to face reality sometimes, however you WILL get over it and be stronger for it, I promise you.

None of us including me are here to hurt you or make you feel bad.  But you are deluding yourself with these "stories" that he's "too busy" or lives a mere one hour away, honestly big whoop.  One hour is NOTHING.

Pay attention to actions and move away from Never-Never land and into the REALITY of the situation.

PLEASE trust me on this, once you do it will be a whole lot easier to let go and move on.  I have been there, done that. 

I lived in Never-Never Land for YEARS with a previous ex.  Please don't make the same mistake.  Life is TOO short!!

That said, I refer to my previous post that stated perhaps there is a part of you that welcomes this state of uncertainty and even the pain and of course the "longing."

Since you have felt nothing for years, even feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

Can you relate to that?  I certainly can...

 

 

[graphicdesigner]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@graphicdesigner2005I realize it's no fun to feel badly but wouldn't you rather people be REAL with you versus leading you down some garden rosy path?

IMO and for me personally once I start facing the reality of a situation instead of telling myself stories to avoid having to deal with the disappointment and pain of acknowledging that a man may not be as "into me" as I am into him, it's makes it A LOT easier to let go and move on.

I mean seriously, do you honestly believe a man who is super attracted to you and into you would be behaving towards you the way he is?  Really?

Rejecting your invites, dismissive, creating distance, fawning over/complimenting other women while in your presence, and otherwise NOT being available physically and emotionally?

No it's not because he lives an hour away, heck for two years I drove one hour to and from work every single day, many people do.

And for a man who is super attracted and into you, HE would be doing same!  Perhaps not every day (although I dated a man who DID) but certainly more often than one a MONTH!!

Also, a man who is super attracted and into you makes time to see you and spend time no matter how "busy" he is in his work or his life.

You have to know that!!

None of us including me are here to hurt you or make you feel bad.  But you are deluding yourself with these "stories" that he's "too busy" or lives a mere one hour away, honestly big whoop.  One hour is NOTHING.

Pay attention to actions and move away from Never-Never land and into the REALITY of the situation.

PLEASE trust me on this, once you do it will be a whole lot easier to let go and move on.  I have been there, done that. 

I lived in Never-Never Land for YEARS with a previous ex.  Please don't make the same mistake.  Life is TOO short!!

That said, I refer to my previous post that stated perhaps there is a part of you that welcomes this state of uncertainty and even the pain and of course the "longing."

Since you have felt nothing for years, even feeling pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

Can you relate to that?  I certainly can...

 

 

I can totally resonate with all of this, and you probably speak the truth here. He's told me several times that he is "sexually attracted" to me, so I took that as he loved having sex with me. He's also told me that his libido is in a different place than mine (he's 58, and I'm 59), so that makes it more difficult because he's not as sexual a person as he used to be in his youth. My husband was never a sexual person, in fact, he openly admitted that, and I know for a fact that he was very attracted to me. Like I said, he told me everyday that he thought I was beautiful.

I honestly don't know what to believe at this point.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

You're FWB's, what is there to be insecure about. He has sex with you and then in between sex he talks to and cares for other women more than you. 

That's exactly the underlying insecurity. Being FWB, means you are not in a committed relationship. Unsure of the "rejected" feeling soon to come. And so you should.

I mean, it would be different if you were able to take the emotion out of it, but, YOU, can't resist catching feels meanwhile he can clearly come and go. You are not seriously his concern.

FWB can be an attractive cleaner way to say bootie-call. People when single for awhile tend to work on the idea of "f*** somebody, who cares" goes both ways and guarantee when you end up with one of those men and not in a relationship, you won't appreciate how much damage he will do, nor compromise the potential this toxic relationship could take over your life.

Women do this to men as well.

Sleeping with him should not be viewed as an investment in him, you're simply using it for a temporary fix.

If you didn't behave totally opposite of this fix, you'd be thinking about what time does this man strut in his duped widowed FWB every night. You're here because you're feeling really envious. FWB don't work on that prescription.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

Why do you care whether this married man you meet up with for sex finds you sexually attractive a lot or a little? Why would that affect your self esteem in the least? Would you want some middle aged guy who has a non-flat stomach to feel insecure if he heard that  you were repulsed because his stomach touched yours when you hugged? I'm concerned at how wrapped up  your sense of worth is in this person you're meeting up with for sex.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why do you care whether this married man you meet up with for sex finds you sexually attractive a lot or a little? Why would that affect your self esteem in the least?  I'm concerned at how wrapped up  your sense of worth is in this person you're meeting up with for sex.

Just my take but reading her posts my sense is for HER, it's not "just sex," it means more to her than just sex regardless of how HE feels (or doesn't feel).

She digs him, she's into him, she admitted she's obsessed with him, hell she may even be in love with him!  Even though she denies it.

And I think for some people, perhaps even many people, when we have intense romantic and sexual feelings about someone of the opposite sex, we tend to care what they they of us -- whether they're into us, whether they are sexually attracted to us, and how much.

And at least in my experience, learning that they don't or not as much as we thought they did, tends to impact our self-esteem at least on some level, I don't think this is uncommon.

It's only temporary until we're able to let go of the experience, let go of caring what they think of us and get back to ourselves and what we have to offer and knowing our value.

I can totally relate to why she cares, it will pass once she accepts the situation for what it IS versus what she wants it to be.

Again just my take, hopefully she will respond and explain herself....

 

 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just my take but reading her posts my sense is for HER, it's not "just sex," it means more to her than just sex regardless of how HE feels (or doesn't feel).

She digs him, she's into him, she admitted she's obsessed with him, hell she may even be in love with him!  Even though she denies it.

And I think for some people, perhaps even many people, when we have intense romantic and sexual feelings about someone of the opposite sex, we tend to care what they they of us -- whether they're into us, whether they are sexually attracted to us, and how much.

And at least in my experience, learning that they don't or not as much as we thought they did, tends to impact our self-esteem at least on some level, I don't think this is uncommon.

It's only temporary until we're able to let go of the experience, let go of caring what they think of us and get back to ourselves and what we have to offer and knowing our value.

I can totally relate to why she cares, it will pass once she accepts the situation for what it IS versus what she wants it to be.

Again just my take, hopefully she will respond and explain herself....

 

 

That was obvious to me from the beginning and I expressed that.

 

I think she is inordinately focused on physical features, her looks, his looks, and whether he has sexual attraction.

 

For sure this could be another example of her lying to herself so that whether he desires her sexually means to her whether he wants to be with her in general.  In general he doesn't want to be with her in a romantic relationship and I doubt he'd want to be with her in a platonic friendship.  Obviously many people feel emotional about people they have sex with.  I always have with no exception but I've never had casual sex and after a very young age never desired it.  I can't relate to why she keeps lying to herself and settling for scraps to the point where she cares about whether a man who doesn't want to be with her other than for occasionally meeting up to have sex finds her sexually attractive. 

Her emotional feelings about him are a result of her lying to herself and settling for scraps.  She and I are the same age and hopefully she'll see the warning signs that if she cares that much what he thinks of her sexually she should not be with him at all. 

So no I cannot relate to why an adult woman would have sex with a man in this situation and allow herself to get this focused and intense to this point of caring. 

It's the same with people who want to be in the popular crowd at work or school, get treated like a plan b afterthought  and then get caught up in whether the leader of the group notices that she's wearing a certain fashion accessory or looking "cool" that day.  That's when you stop and say -wait - I'm worth more. Obviously I've let myself get way too focused on what these people who don't care a bit about me as a person approve of my new look, my new purse, my new hairstyle.    

I think people who are in a sexual arrangement with someone owe it to themselves to step aside when it is more than sex to them and not to the other.

So yes obviously I can relate to what you wrote -I live it (meaning I've only had sex where there is love and commitment with rare exception and the rare exception was not a sexual arrangement or casual sex -because I always knew I would feel that way about sex, I still do and had no need to touch the hot stove)

[rainbowsandroses]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So no I cannot relate to why an adult woman would have sex with a man in this situation and allow herself to get this focused and intense to this point of caring. 

I cannot relate to this^^ either, I can only relate to why she cares that he is attracted to her, sexually and otherwise. 

Wrong or right, whether others approve or not, she has intense feelings for him (whether he's married, single or whatever) and again when people have intense romantic feelings for another, it's not uncommon that they tend to care what that person thinks and feels about them sexually and otherwise.

I DO agree that she's lying to herself, in some sort of denial and have stated as such, several times.

That's pretty much it, you don't agree with the "why she cares" part or don't understand it and that is absolutely fine!  

Again hopefully @graphic will return and explain her own thoughts and feelings about it.

 

 

 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I cannot relate to this^^ either, I can only relate to why she cares that he is attracted to her, sexually and otherwise. 

Wrong or right, whether others approve or not, she has intense feelings for him (whether he's married, single or whatever) and again when people have intense romantic feelings for another, it's not uncommon that they tend to care what that person thinks and feels about them sexually and otherwise.

I DO agree that she's lying to herself, in some sort of denial and have stated as such, several times.

That's pretty much it, you don't agree with the "why she cares" part or don't understand it and that is absolutely fine!  

Again hopefully @graphic will return and explain her own thoughts and feelings about it.

 

 

 

I don’t approve or disapprove. Not what I wrote. I don’t want to go off topic. Her feelings are her feelings. I didn’t write about that either. I don’t agree or disagree with her feelings - that’s not possible anyway. Her feelings are her feelings. I’ve written above my opinion on her situation. My opinion on her reaction to what level of sexual attraction he has to her or whether when he has intercourse with her he is attracted to her is related to my general opinions on what her next steps should be. Absolutely nothing to do with approval or disapproval or right or wrong. I think two single consenting adults should have sex if they feel like it. Whether I would feel like it in a given situation or not. She is single and she is consenting. Gray area whether it’s ethical for her to have  sex with a married man but he says he’s separated and he doesn’t have young kids at home apparently.

If she wasn’t asking about her discomfort with his blabbing and oversharing about other sexy and hot women and sharing that she wishes he wanted a relationship with her as she does with him I’d say carry on and enjoy and have fun ! In my opinion her understandable caring about how he regards her sexually is one more reason this is unhealthy for her (and obviously risky physically too). But nothing to do with approval or disapproval or right or wrong. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t approve or disapprove. Not what I wrote. I don’t want to go off topic. Her feelings are her feelings. I didn’t write about that either. I don’t agree or disagree with her feelings - that’s not possible anyway. Her feelings are her feelings. I’ve written above my opinion on her situation.

I never said you approved or disapproved I was speaking in the general not you specifically Batya.   About her feelings or anything else.

"Wrong or right, whether others approve or not....."  This was a general statement not relating to anything you said or what anyone else said.  

Yes you have stated your opinion and I responded that was absolutely fine I have no issue with you having a different opinion.

Again, you asked the OP "why do you care"?  And I simply responded with my own opinion as to why I think she cares.  Again, hopefully she will return with her own thoughts and feelings.

That's all, leaving it there.

Nite.

 

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I really wish you didn't say that, as I was not thinking that at all. Just know that he's VERY very busy in his life and his work. He also lives an hour away, which makes it extra challenging.

Now it's something I'm going to constantly think about. As if I wasn't insecure as it is.

I'm sorry,  I only said that because I think it might get you serious about leaving the situation.   Your description of how wonderful the sex and kissing along with his avoiding sex more often than he has it are kind of dissonant but really it doesn't speak to your attractiveness.  Just to his sexual responsiveness.   

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

...but really it doesn't speak to your attractiveness. 

It certainly does not. Everyone owns different capacities to remain detached or to bond when it comes to sex. Some people are surrounded by plenty of potential partners who they find attractive, and yet their desire to prioritize a focus on a given person can be limited.

Just as this man has been clear about his preference for detachment, there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with your ability to bond with a sex partner. This is exactly why I raised that we ALL end up making choices about whether casual sex is good for us or not. In my own case, I recognized early that I bond when I'm sexual, and that's exactly why it's important for me to cultivate the right kind of relationship first, so that I'll know exactly where I stand (and want to stand) before bonding with the wrong man for me.

In your case, you've bonded with a man who isn't a good match for you in terms of frequency of desire. This isn't new information, but it's important to consider in order to liberate yourself to find a better match.

 

[yogacat]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It certainly does not. Everyone owns different capacities to remain detached or to bond when it comes to sex. Some people are surrounded by plenty of potential partners who they find attractive, and yet their desire to prioritize a focus on a given person can be limited.

Just as this man has been clear about his preference for detachment, there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with your ability to bond with a sex partner. This is exactly why I raised that we ALL end up making choices about whether casual sex is good for us or not. In my own case, I recognized early that I bond when I'm sexual, and that's exactly why it's important for me to cultivate the right kind of relationship first, so that I'll know exactly where I stand (and want to stand) before bonding with the wrong man for me.

In your case, you've bonded with a man who isn't a good match for you in terms of frequency of desire. This isn't new information, but it's important to consider in order to liberate yourself to find a better match.

 

Yes (I dare admit this...), but I was in a casual relationship once.

And the great part about it was - that I felt zero emotional attachment to that person. We were happy to see each other, to share bed for a while, even to chat.

And then we just forgot that we saw each other. No hard feelings, no grief, nothing. And it wasn't because of lack of good emotions, probably it was thanks to the good ones - that person made me feel good and hence all emotions sounded good.

But when you know you can go tomorrow and unattach yourself - then you do not need to guard your feelings, your heart, or whatever. You just enjoy.

I could never carry on like this with someone I had romantic feelings towards -- it would just be TOO PAINFUL.

OP your casual lover is asking for a totally different type of relationship than you are -- he does not want to bond. 

I like to draw the parallel between sex and food because it can be easier to wrap our heads around something so similar. 

You are starving... and he likes sweet and sour food and you like salt...he is not your full meal and this can be really lonely.

His sexual menu allows for sex without salt, pepper, or parsley flakes....and yours does not.....guess who commands the most on the sexual menu? 

He has no intention of buying that bag of potatoes to make you feel full and secure.  It just is what it is. 

I think you have choices.....suffer from starvation with the sweet and sour dish....OR you start to cook and make dishes that you KNOW you like and are not feeling hungry. 

You have options...but HE IS NOT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE GOING TO CHANGE. Casual sex = casual feelings. Plain and simple. You can't change his intentions and behaviors, but you can change your own by focusing on yourself and what actually fulfills you.

[graphicdesigner]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just my take but reading her posts my sense is for HER, it's not "just sex," it means more to her than just sex regardless of how HE feels (or doesn't feel).

She digs him, she's into him, she admitted she's obsessed with him, hell she may even be in love with him!  Even though she denies it.

And I think for some people, perhaps even many people, when we have intense romantic and sexual feelings about someone of the opposite sex, we tend to care what they they of us -- whether they're into us, whether they are sexually attracted to us, and how much.

And at least in my experience, learning that they don't or not as much as we thought they did, tends to impact our self-esteem at least on some level, I don't think this is uncommon.

It's only temporary until we're able to let go of the experience, let go of caring what they think of us and get back to ourselves and what we have to offer and knowing our value.

I can totally relate to why she cares, it will pass once she accepts the situation for what it IS versus what she wants it to be.

Again just my take, hopefully she will respond and explain herself....

 

 

I do know for a fact that I am not in love with him, I just have strong feelings for him. That does not always equate to being in love. Like I've said before, I don't fall in love so easily. I've only been in love 3 times in my life—and I'm 59 years old. I was 21 when I started dating my first love, and we dated for 2 years. After that, was a man that I met while in college in NYC and we dated for a year. And then obviously the last, was my husband. Regardless, I don't get the convenience of being able to spend a lot of time with him because of his schedule, commitments, and distance. I wish there was more because we have a lot in common and he makes me laugh. He has a great sense of humor—which is very important to me—and we have wonderful conversations which I appreciate. These traits are hard to find these days, especially at my age. I'm not gonna make excuses for that. I can't help it. It's why I am continuing with this because he makes me feel good when we're together. He always makes me feel sexy and attractive. And yes, the sex is wonderful. That goes without saying.

12 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I cannot relate to this^^ either, I can only relate to why she cares that he is attracted to her, sexually and otherwise. 

Wrong or right, whether others approve or not, she has intense feelings for him (whether he's married, single or whatever) and again when people have intense romantic feelings for another, it's not uncommon that they tend to care what that person thinks and feels about them sexually and otherwise.

I DO agree that she's lying to herself, in some sort of denial and have stated as such, several times.

That's pretty much it, you don't agree with the "why she cares" part or don't understand it and that is absolutely fine!  

Again hopefully @graphic will return and explain her own thoughts and feelings about it.

I do care about what he thinks of me mainly because as any woman would feel, I want to feel sexy and attractive to someone I like and who I'm having sex with. Since it's just a FWB situation, I want to know that it's not JUST sex for him, but that he is actually attracted to me. I don't necessarily mean in a relationship sense, but that I am attractive to him. He "claims" that he's only slept with 4 women in his life—me being the 4th, supposedly. He lost his virginity to his wife, which to be honest, in this day and age, I find that really hard to believe. But why lie about that? I didn't ask him how many women he's slept with, he brought it up. And I honestly don't remember what made him mention it. Which means I am most likely the first/only woman he's had a FWB with. 

Maybe I am lying to myself about this. Maybe it is nothing but a pipe dream, but I like him a lot and I want to see where this goes. I told him that I would end it if I met someone that I wanted to sleep with. I made it clear that I don't sleep with multiple partners at the same time. He is doing the same. So in a way, we're sexually exclusive, but he also knows I'm going out on dates.

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t approve or disapprove. Not what I wrote. I don’t want to go off topic. Her feelings are her feelings. I didn’t write about that either. I don’t agree or disagree with her feelings - that’s not possible anyway. Her feelings are her feelings. I’ve written above my opinion on her situation. My opinion on her reaction to what level of sexual attraction he has to her or whether when he has intercourse with her he is attracted to her is related to my general opinions on what her next steps should be. Absolutely nothing to do with approval or disapproval or right or wrong. I think two single consenting adults should have sex if they feel like it. Whether I would feel like it in a given situation or not. She is single and she is consenting. Gray area whether it’s ethical for her to have  sex with a married man but he says he’s separated and he doesn’t have young kids at home apparently.

If she wasn’t asking about her discomfort with his blabbing and oversharing about other sexy and hot women and sharing that she wishes he wanted a relationship with her as she does with him I’d say carry on and enjoy and have fun ! In my opinion her understandable caring about how he regards her sexually is one more reason this is unhealthy for her (and obviously risky physically too). But nothing to do with approval or disapproval or right or wrong. 

To be clear, he doesn't ALWAYS talk about other women and how beautiful, hot or sexy they are. He's discussed it a few times and during those instances, it has made me very jealous. He doesn't talk about his wife at all, as far as looks go. He doesn't know that I know what she looks like, and he's never offered to show me a picture. He also never discusses what the woman he dated for a year looks like either. I don't even know if she has blonde/brown/red hair. I have no idea. I only know her first name, not her last, so I can't look her up. But I do admit, I am very curious. His wife is OK looking, nothing great, but not ugly either. Honestly, I was surprised when I saw what she looked like because I had assumed he'd be married to someone more attractive. Which tells me that he is not necessarily into that. Maybe it's me being narcissistic or shallow to feel this way about myself, I have no idea. Maybe because I recently lost 55 lbs. so I'm very insecure about how I look. I have a lot of loose skin right now, so I'm very self conscious of that, too. When we first had sex and I had to get naked (obviously), I was VERY very nervous. But he obviously didn't say anything about it, and he treated me like I was the sexiest woman alive! And of course, he came back for more.

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry,  I only said that because I think it might get you serious about leaving the situation.   Your description of how wonderful the sex and kissing along with his avoiding sex more often than he has it are kind of dissonant but really it doesn't speak to your attractiveness.  Just to his sexual responsiveness.   

It's OK. I understand and I appreciate your candor. It was just a hard pill to swallow—if in fact, it's true.

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It certainly does not. Everyone owns different capacities to remain detached or to bond when it comes to sex. Some people are surrounded by plenty of potential partners who they find attractive, and yet their desire to prioritize a focus on a given person can be limited.

Just as this man has been clear about his preference for detachment, there is absolutely nothing 'wrong' with your ability to bond with a sex partner. This is exactly why I raised that we ALL end up making choices about whether casual sex is good for us or not. In my own case, I recognized early that I bond when I'm sexual, and that's exactly why it's important for me to cultivate the right kind of relationship first, so that I'll know exactly where I stand (and want to stand) before bonding with the wrong man for me.

In your case, you've bonded with a man who isn't a good match for you in terms of frequency of desire. This isn't new information, but it's important to consider in order to liberate yourself to find a better match.

 

I definitely do know that he's not a good match for me—mainly because of his marital situation, which is really messed up right now. If he were divorced, I'd feel differently, but he's not at the moment and I don’t know when or if he will be. That's something they're working out with each other. It's really messed up, but I won't get into details here about it. That's their story, not mine.