FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[smackie9]

And that's why you should stop seeing him. He's blocking you from actually finding someone else because you are too focused on him. He's only in it for the sex...him complimenting other women is him setting a boundary with you that this isn't going any further than what it is. 

[Batya33]

I’m glad you’re seeing other men but for now you might be more attracted to unavailable men. He is honest with you about his strong focus on what a woman looks like and what she is like in bed and has no filter with you about sharing what he is thinking about women’s body parts and their sexual performance with him. He is honest about being married and about not wanting to be in a relationship with you. 
I’m glad you’re starting to be honest with yourself about your sexual arrangement with this man. 

[graphicdesigner]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’m glad you’re seeing other men but for now you might be more attracted to unavailable men. He is honest with you about his strong focus on what a woman looks like and what she is like in bed and has no filter with you about sharing what he is thinking about women’s body parts and their sexual performance with him. He is honest about being married and about not wanting to be in a relationship with you. 
I’m glad you’re starting to be honest with yourself about your sexual arrangement with this man. 

I've actually heard that about wanting a man so badly who's unavailable. I believe this feeling that I have for him is psychological and/or lust. I know it's not love, at least there's that as I don't fall in love so easily. I've only been in love 3 times in my life—and I'm 59. I've dated lots of men in my life, and have had several sexual-only relationships as well, and it's always worked for me. I didn't get feelings for any of them—it was strictly sex. It was ideal at the time, and then I met my husband. Well, the rest is history.

I wish I knew why this man has such an emotional hold on me and why I can't walk away. I've tried to end it 3 different times and he tried once. But, we always end up going back to each other. Why is that—the chemistry? The sex? I have no idea. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Thankfully I have my therapy appointment this morning, so I'm hoping she'll enlighten me like you all have. 

Well ... since you're already "enlightened,"  the ball is in your court.   I'm not sure what you're expecting from your therapy appointment.  Is she going to "make" you do something about this situation that you've chosen for yourself?  No.  That's up to you and, so far, you seem almost glib about being in a situation where you feel jealous, hurt, devalued, etc.  

[rainbowsandroses]

52 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I wish I knew why this man has such an emotional hold on me and why I can't walk away. I've tried to end it 3 different times and he tried once. But, we always end up going back to each other. Why is that—the chemistry? The sex? I have no idea. 

^You're sexually addicted.   HE is your "drug" of choice.

Sexual addiction is a real addiction, I would encourage you to discuss with your therapist.

Just like a drug addiction, we know it's bad for us but that temporary high is just so intoxicating so we keep going back. 

It can be hell to kick, but you can with determination and perseverance and I wish you luck on that journey.

 

[graphicdesigner]

43 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^You're sexually addicted.   HE is your "drug" of choice.

Sexual addiction is a real addiction, I would encourage you to discuss with your therapist.

Just like a drug addiction, we know it's bad for us but that temporary high is just so intoxicating so we keep going back. 

It can be hell to kick, but you can with determination and perseverance and I wish you luck on that journey.

 

That's funny because she says the exact same thing—that I have a sexual addiction. She recommended I go to some online meetings through Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous. That's my homework for the week. I have to go to 2 meetings. I'll definitely give it a try and see what happens. It definitely can't hurt.

 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I wish I knew why this man has such an emotional hold on me and why I can't walk away. I've tried to end it 3 different times and he tried once. But, we always end up going back to each other. Why is that—the chemistry? The sex? I have no idea. 

Sure, sex is likely a big part of it. 

Another component, perhaps: This whole thing, at least until recently, has been very safe for your emotionally. After all, while you've engaged with him physically, your primary emotional engagement throughout and up to this present moment has not been with him but with someone you're deeply familiar with and have known your whole life: yourself. 

To my eyes? It seems that you've now hit the limits of that being satisfying, kind of like someone hitting a tennis ball against the wall and eventually starting to get thirsty for an actual opponent.

He has been remarkably clear, in words and actions, about not being that or wanting that. You know this, and are presently dating around in search of that while holding onto this because...well, because it's brought you a lot of pleasure and you don't want to give that up.

Very human. Alas, a car only runs so far on fumes—or, perhaps a better metaphor would be: a person can only get so high on fumes. So I highly doubt it's going to be some epiphany provided by these pixels or a therapist that will prompt a shift, but simply the car coming to a stop, the high no longer delivering, at all. 

An optimistic read on all this: He delivered exactly what you needed, for a spell: some warmth (and plenty of heat) while you were still processing some heavy life stuff in a major transition. How further strife is avoided? You thank him for that, sincerely, in the confines of your own mind and heart. Then you move on so you can find the kind of connection you've realized you're truly craving and ready for.  

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

That's funny because she says the exact same thing—that I have a sexual addiction. She recommended I go to some online meetings through Sex and Love Addiction Anonymous. That's my homework for the week. I have to go to 2 meetings. I'll definitely give it a try and see what happens. It definitely can't hurt.

I can tell you from experience, the meetings will not help unless and until YOU want them to. 

Your therapist or any of us advising you to do 'this or that' won't do a damn thing again until YOU are ready to kick it, kick HIM out of your life for good. 

Reading your posts and your attitude, you are not ready or even wanting to do that. 

In fact my sense from reading your posts is it's the opposite - on some level you enjoy this uncertainty and where you are with him which are occasional hookups when HE'S available.

It adds to the excitement of the unattainable and the sex would definitely not have the same intensity without it.  It all goes together to make one hell of an intoxicating experience, which it doesn't appear you're ready to give up just yet. 

Even him complimenting other women adds to this excitement whether you're aware of it or not. 

And guess what?  HE knows that too!  Which may be why or one reason why he does it.  Obviously it's working for him so in his mind why change what works? 

It's actually working for you too despite your protestations to the contrary? 

Which is okay, best to just own it, if true.

On the other hand, IF (massive IF) you truly want to kick this and for it to be over, it's actually quite easy. 

Think about it. 

 

[Batya33]

He doesn't come back -to you -he comes back -to sex with you.  You can dismiss it all you like as "I have no idea" but I advise not giving yourself a pass -you can have "no idea" and still stay away.

One of the men who lied to me about his age by lying on his profile revealed his lie by bragging about how wealthy his ex wife's family was - and their age difference. OK.  Simple google check revealed her, her age and the fact he was lying so I didn't meet him.  I couldn't imagine how an intelligent, educated man couldn't help himself but brag about his ex wife, identify her, and not realize that would blow his cover.

[Starlight925]

I don't think you're addicted to the sex itself.

I think you're addicted to the feeling of being desired.

When a man wants sex with you, he tells you all these flowery things about how wonderful you are, how beautiful, special, sexy.  And oh, hey, let's jump in the sack.

Sure, you like the sex itself.  But for you, it's emotional.

You "can't" leave him because he fills your need to be desired.

Your husband filled that need every day, constantly, exhaustingly, telling you how beautiful you are.

You are here posting because this guy isn't filling that need at the moment, yet he's telling you that he feels that way about other, random women.  This gives you a huge insecurity, and you just want the pain to stop, you want him to say the things about these other women, about you.

But then he kisses you passionately, and you "feel" his desire for you.

He's your drug of choice.

[yogacat]

3 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I don't think you're addicted to the sex itself.

I think you're addicted to the feeling of being desired.

When a man wants sex with you, he tells you all these flowery things about how wonderful you are, how beautiful, special, sexy.  And oh, hey, let's jump in the sack.

Sure, you like the sex itself.  But for you, it's emotional.

You "can't" leave him because he fills your need to be desired.

Your husband filled that need every day, constantly, exhaustingly, telling you how beautiful you are.

You are here posting because this guy isn't filling that need at the moment, yet he's telling you that he feels that way about other, random women.  This gives you a huge insecurity, and you just want the pain to stop, you want him to say the things about these other women, about you.

But then he kisses you passionately, and you "feel" his desire for you.

He's your drug of choice.

Agree.

This is hardly a sex addiction.

I do think though that he is filling " the lust void", or the attention void, since your husband passed away.

You were married for 26 years, and just suddenly became celibate on losing your husband. That's a long time.

And now you're with someone who wants you, and it's kind of woken up your own sexuality.

And he's withholding compliments -- probably on purpose since you said it bothers you -- so that the friend zone gets maintained.

It's working. He gets sex and attention in the package he wants.

It's complicated by the fact that you have emotional vulnerabilities.

[Starlight925]

Yes, yes, and yes to everything @yogacat said.

You are asking "why", and it's possibly that, through therapy, you'll figure it out.  I have some guesses, but that's not relevant, nor am I a therapist.

What is relevant is what others have said already, and I'll repeat:

You are holding your own self back by staying with him.

You are allowing this "mad, passionate chemistry" to keep yourself blocked.

You're 59?  Want to be 69 and still alone?  Because a friend of mine is in exactly that position now, closing in on 70.  She's so "in wuv" with the guy who does exactly what yours does:  keeps her at arm's length, compliments other women, waits for her to run to him for "hot passionate sex".  She will be SEVENTY on her next birthday.  Want to be like her?  Keep doing what you're doing.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I believe this feeling that I have for him is psychological and/or lust.

Sure, and it's natural. There's something about an unavailable person that feels good to hook-in. During those moments, you 'win' his availability and total focus. So when he pulls away or breaks form with the disrespect, your ego wants that dedicated boost again, and you become determined to 'win' it back.

This is why some women like 'bad boys' in whatever shape or form. They're drawn to trying to 'win'.

So the guys you're meeting who are who are available and nice and into you don't offer the same challenge. But the problem with the challenge is that there are two potential endings unless you extricate yourself willingly: either he'll degrade you until he's bored, or you'll be the dog that catches the car. And if you ever got THAT 'win,' you'd revel in your glory for a while--before it occurs to you that the 'real' guy isn't even what you actually want.

So maybe examine with your therapist why competing for attention is your thing now?

[rainbowsandroses]

57 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I don't think you're addicted to the sex itself.

I agree with this^.  It's not the sex in fact for some people the sex itself isn't even that great!  

It's the validation they get from it, the feeling of being desired, both men and women feel this way from what I have read and talking to people with this addiction.

One man in a support group I used to attend years ago who admitted to having sex with literally hundreds of women over many years claimed the sex itself downright sucked!

It was the validation he received from the sex.  Some people need this like they need air to breathe!

And if they use sex to obtain such validation, it falls under the "umbrella" of sexual addiction.

 

[graphicdesigner]

13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with this^.  It's not the sex in fact for some people the sex itself isn't even that great!  

It's the validation they get from it, the feeling of being desired, both men and women feel this way from what I have read and talking to people with this addiction.

One man in a support group I used to attend years ago who admitted to having sex with literally hundreds of women over many years claimed the sex itself downright sucked!

It was the validation he received from the sex.  Some people need this like they need air to breathe!

And if they use sex to obtain such validation, it falls under the "umbrella" of sexual addiction.

 

I will admit, overall the sex isn't that great with him. But something about him drew me in. I can't explain it, so it kept me going back for more.

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I do know all of these things. I don't know why it's so difficult to walk away from this toxic situation. It really is toxic because now he's starting to treat me like crap—and he never did before. He's definitely taking advantage of me. Now whenever I text him, he doesn't even reply anymore. He's always been bad about texting anyway, but he would at least respond. Now he doesn't even do that

Do you think it has to do with the fact that this is your first situationship since your husband passed away? Your boundaries and sense of single self all over the place. Your needs (physical, sexual, emotional) were not being met for some time, and he's kinda there and easy to reach from him? And on top of that, you caught feelings for him? 

When you like a guy, you lose sense of direction, and you just go along because you haven't know anything other than your late husband for 20+ years. It's safer to stay unhappy than break it off and seek your worth.

Does any of the above resonate with you?

[graphicdesigner]

8 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Do you think it has to do with the fact that this is your first situationship since your husband passed away? Your boundaries and sense of single self all over the place. Your needs (physical, sexual, emotional) were not being met for some time, and he's kinda there and easy to reach from him? And on top of that, you caught feelings for him? 

When you like a guy, you lose sense of direction, and you just go along because you haven't know anything other than your late husband for 20+ years. It's safer to stay unhappy than break it off and seek your worth.

Does any of the above resonate with you?

YES!!!! It actually does and it all makes perfect sense. I have been lonely and alone for so long now. He passed away 3 years ago, but he was in a memory care facility for over 2 years, and then my brother-in-law was taking care of him for a year prior to that, so in total, I have been living alone for over 6 years. I only started dating 6 months ago, because I just wasn't ready to be with another man. But once I met him, all bets were off. I was ready!

[Andrina]

21 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

As his texting has been more and more infrequent, he admitted to me that he could only see me when it's "convenient."

Well, you're behaving as though FWBs should contain similar expectations that are really reserved for a couple in a growing or serious relationship. 

IMO, there should be zero expectations in a FWB for how often a person should text, or how often a sexual encounter should take place. I thought that was the point. That rules don't exist unless the two agree to a certain rule. That the other person is there for whenever it's convenient for the two to get together, and that the FWB situation can end at the drop of a hat, because it's expected to be short term.

And yes, things do tend to end very quickly and often badly, because with the willynillyness of no rules, it's like monkeys running rampant which the more invested person is trying to corral. Not going to happen.

As the saying goes, look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself. Perhaps your self-love needs work, and maybe if you achieve that you'll begin cutting off men a lot quicker when you're mistreated. Start utilizing some maturity for your own good versus reverting to a childish need of overindulging in something you know isn't good for you. As kids, we needed our parents to limit how much candy we ate. We are no longer kids and have to create our own limits. That sometimes means practicing delayed gratification. You might consider delaying sex with anyone until you're actually ready to date again. 

[DarkCh0c0]

43 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

It actually does and it all makes perfect sense. I have been lonely and alone for so long now. He passed away 3 years ago, but he was in a memory care facility for over 2 years, and then my brother-in-law was taking care of him for a year prior to that, so in total, I have been living alone for over 6 years. I only started dating 6 months ago, because I just wasn't ready to be with another man. But once I met him, all bets were off. I was ready!

So you're ready for a relationship? 

If so, you need to find yourself an emotionally invested and available man. He's only going to be able to fill the fwb gap for so long. You're already wanting more, so maybe that's your sign to look for a better partner material?

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I think you're addicted to the feeling of being desired.

When a man wants sex with you, he tells you all these flowery things about how wonderful you are, how beautiful, special, sexy.  And oh, hey, let's jump in the sack.

Sure, you like the sex itself.  But for you, it's emotional.

You "can't" leave him because he fills your need to be desired.

Yes! People have the tendency to jump to the physical aspect of sex. But sex is every bit as emotional and mental, probably more so. Ultimately, sex isn't what people crave, it's the connection between two people. It's being loved, desired, and needed. It's feeling safe and secure with someone enough to share ourselves with. It's the feeling of not being alone, of being able to open ourselves completely. Sex is merely the physcial means of expressing that. Yes, it might feel nice. But without the other aspects, it will eventually feel hollow and unrewarding.

graphicdesigner, when you were younger you probably weren't thinking about or ready for serious commitment. So these kind of situations were okay with you. But meeting your husband changed that. You found someone who you could connect with on all levels - physical and emotional. After losing him (and I'm sorry for your loss), you've been lonely. That's natural. I think you weren't ready to fully invest yourself in a real relationship, so you tried to go back to what you knew from before. But you're not the same person you were decades ago. You tried to be okay with it being about sex, but now that you've experienced more, it's not something you can go back to.

That's not something wrong. That's called maturing.

You also admit to being insecure about yourself. You can't rely on others for validation. Ultimately, we have to be the ones to make ourselves feel good, having faith and confidence in ourselves. If you keep seeking it from others, that just leaves you vulnerable to people who will not treat you right, as this guy seems to be doing. 

As much as having a relationship might be something you long for, and as nice as sex might feel, the best thing for you is to work on yourselves. Only when you are truly happy with you can you fully embrace all a relationship can offer. And when you do, there will be a guy who will treat you a lot better, showing you the love and support you deserve.

[graphicdesigner]

22 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, you're behaving as though FWBs should contain similar expectations that are really reserved for a couple in a growing or serious relationship. 

IMO, there should be zero expectations in a FWB for how often a person should text, or how often a sexual encounter should take place. I thought that was the point. That rules don't exist unless the two agree to a certain rule. That the other person is there for whenever it's convenient for the two to get together, and that the FWB situation can end at the drop of a hat, because it's expected to be short term.

And yes, things do tend to end very quickly and often badly, because with the willynillyness of no rules, it's like monkeys running rampant which the more invested person is trying to corral. Not going to happen.

As the saying goes, look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself. Perhaps your self-love needs work, and maybe if you achieve that you'll begin cutting off men a lot quicker when you're mistreated. Start utilizing some maturity for your own good versus reverting to a childish need of overindulging in something you know isn't good for you. As kids, we needed our parents to limit how much candy we ate. We are no longer kids and have to create our own limits. That sometimes means practicing delayed gratification. You might consider delaying sex with anyone until you're actually ready to date again. 

I'm actually not planning on having sex with anyone else at this point. Not because I'm staying "faithful" to him obviously, but because I don't want to get caught up in this type of situation again. I'm done! I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship, per se, but I do miss the companionship. Friends at first, maybe kissing, but that's really it. And you're correct, a FWB should not have to be this complicated. I have made it that way, unfortunately. My expectations went way beyond the boundaries of a FWB, and I now realize that. Especially given his situation and how busy he is. I get that. It's been almost a month since I've seen him anyway, so it's getting easier and easier to walk away from this.

[graphicdesigner]

25 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So you're ready for a relationship? 

If so, you need to find yourself an emotionally invested and available man. He's only going to be able to fill the fwb gap for so long. You're already wanting more, so maybe that's your sign to look for a better partner material?

No, not ready for a relationship really. That's the thing. But I also know that I don't ever want to do the FWB-thing ever again. I'm too old for this crap. It's become too emotional for me and the last thing I ever wanted to do with this man, was to have my feelings grow stronger. He is a POS, when you look at it, and not able to give me what I want. I deserve so much better than this. I have 5 other men who are interested in me. No joke! I will move forward and see what happens. I am in no hurry at all.

20 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

graphicdesigner, when you were younger you probably weren't thinking about or ready for serious commitment. So these kind of situations were okay with you. But meeting your husband changed that. You found someone who you could connect with on all levels - physical and emotional. After losing him (and I'm sorry for your loss), you've been lonely. That's natural. I think you weren't ready to fully invest yourself in a real relationship, so you tried to go back to what you knew from before. But you're not the same person you were decades ago. You tried to be okay with it being about sex, but now that you've experienced more, it's not something you can go back to.

I think you're right. I was in my early-mid 20's at the time, therefore I was in a different mindset. Now I'm 59, and I was married for 26 years, and I have a 24 year old daughter. My life is in a completely different place than it was when I was in my 20's. I never realized that. Thanks!

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

11 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

He is a POS, when you look at it, and not able to give me what I want.

I would encourage you to stay away from thinking and/or labeling him as a POS, or a narcissist or whatever other derogatory labels unhappy people like to toss out when their needs aren't being met.  Why?  Because it causes bitterness and a certain jadedness towards all men and your ability to trust them.

Unless I have missed something, no I don't think he is a POS.  I mean has he lied to you?  Has he misled you?  No.  He's been honest with you from the getgo... brutally honest, so if I may ask why do you think he's a POS?

What he IS, is a man who is not right for YOU.  

Now that you have acknowledged that, what are you going to do?

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I will admit, overall the sex isn't that great with him. But something about him drew me in. I can't explain it, so it kept me going back for more.

Are you like that in other areas of  your life -engaging in unhealthy behavior because you can't explain it so you keep going back for more - or just going with whatever you fancy whether in your best interests or not?

[yogacat]

16 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

No, not ready for a relationship really. That's the thing. But I also know that I don't ever want to do the FWB-thing ever again.

That's the thing, and I honestly believe you when you say you're not open to a relationship.

That's why you have to be super careful not to confuse friendship and sex with intimacy. Because you slip and fall into him taking advantage. Whether intentional on his part same reason as you... convenience is much easier than anything real. He is after all going through a divorce. He's not looking for the same thing as you. He's looking for the easier thing, something habitual. You may not realize it yet, but you're doing the same thing.

You do enjoy having sex with this guy. But, if you really look at your own needs and wants, do you really honestly believe that you are getting intimacy out of this situation?

Sure, you like him.

In the back of your mind, you know that he would never do anything serious romantically while he is still in chain with his stance.

But deep down... What are you really getting from this situation? The jealousy points me towards something I feely a lot of people try to deny or spin in other ways:

You can imagine yourself in a relationship right now while you are still working on yourself and your sense of self. "As a matter of fact, I not am ready for a relationship -- but this guy is just so special...". He's able to touch you deeply mentally and emotionally and you probably have great conversations and interests in many of the same things.

But, he also had no problem discussing beautiful women on a regular basis with you.

You genuinely care about how he thinks and feels even when he is wrong.  

And, he confides some of his secrets with you -- that's special intimacy; albeit, a different kind of twisted intimacy, but not necessarily exclusive to a romantic, sexual relationship. What you do have is a falling back where you do take a break from your sense of self by talking to this guy regularly and it's a crutch that he's there when you are not thinking that your life sucks, getting yourself down, or working out your problems.

The dissonance is that this possible crutch is also an attractive male and we tend to want what is attractive; lust and attraction go hand-in-hand. There really isn't a lot of facing down your problems with this guy as hopefully by now, you have made up some mind about what love is and why it makes us feel the way we do.

He's a risky man that drives you wild and that's attractive. That is why you can take some cognitive dissonance in this case. He sheds away the pain of your life and gives you some lightness and a pleasure in life. 

But the biggest issue is, and, you can look in the mirror and say this with 100% confidence...even if he got the itch to be in a relationship with you, you need to send him packin'. Because you don't want a real relationship with him, because he has so many things that don't make him great relationship material, and he's still going through a difficult divorce.