FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

He thinks I just "like him" and am not falling for him.

Naaah, he knows. You're sounding like the toddler who hides her own eyes and believes that nobody in the room can see her. Or the adolescent who believes that acting cool doesn't make all their insecurities transparent.

There is nothing 'wrong' with you. There is nothing 'wrong' with wanting your crush to reciprocate. If you want to keep torturing yourself, you can do that. It's not against the law. it's just not going to buy you anything beyond self-defeating stagnation and an inability to focus one anything or anyone that could be healthy and bring you joy. I promise, if this guy ever turns around and gives you what you want, I'll be the first one to cheer. I just believe that the best chances of that happening are the opposite of what you're doing.

I would tell him that this is no longer working for me because I've recognized that I'm relationship material, and I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that a committed relationship is something he'd like to pursue with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

This leaves your door open a crack even while it liberates you to quit the misery and move forward to seek a full and rich life--socially and romantically. If f-buddy ever comes back around, you'll be better positioned with the confidence to meet him on higher ground. If he does not, then you've already moved yourself forward to heal and start enjoying your life again. Either way, it's a win/win.

Head high. You don't need to defend yourself to us.

[graphicdesigner]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I would tell him that this is no longer working for me because I've recognized that I'm relationship material, and I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that a committed relationship is something he'd like to pursue with me, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

This leaves your door open a crack even while it liberates you to quit the misery and move forward to seek a full and rich life--socially and romantically. If f-buddy ever comes back around, you'll be better positioned with the confidence to meet him on higher ground. If he does not, then you've already moved yourself forward to heal and start enjoying your life again. Either way, it's a win/win.

I actually like this idea. Thank you for the advice! I'm thinking I might just do this, but I'll be honest, it'll be so difficult to not hear from him or see him (even though it's already been a month). 

I just got off the phone with a man I just started chatting with about a week or so ago, it was our first time talking on the phone. He's originally from Poland, so I knew he'd have an accent, but it was so hard to understand him. Maybe it'll be easier when I meet him in person, but I had such difficulty understanding him. I kept thinking wow, whenever I talk to my FWB on the phone, I love talking to him and we have such great conversations that we end up talking for about an hour or longer. We even have the same exact sense of humor. We always laugh together, too. 

I don't know what to do. I am so confused right now.

[Jaunty]

8 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

 For now, I'm gonna wait it out and see what happens. If something happens. It may, or may not. Only time will tell. Call me naive, I don't care, I really like this man a lot, and I'm not gonna let him go so easily/quickly. 

Wow.  It's like this is a whole different thread.   I thought you were very sad and jealous that he didn't compliment you, spoke openly about various women he thinks are sexy, and he turns you down more frequently than he agrees with your requests to have sex with him.

We've been trying to help you with these issues. 

Now you're talking like you are dating with some type of possible future.

When did the switch flip?  

[LotusBlack]

9 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

I honestly don't know. I received some texts from him yesterday and they made me feel good, I guess. You have to understand, he's the first/only man that I've had sex with since my husband (after being celibate for 7 years), so I guess my feelings are a bit misguided right now. Believe me, I go back and forth on this daily. Especially after a therapy session. It's confusing to me, as well.

I have a question and it may have already come up in the thread, but I haven’t read all the posts yet, so, sorry if I am doubling up.

If your late husband (so sorry for your loss) were to see the man you’d chosen for yourself now, do you think he’d approve of the way you’ve been treated? Do you think he’d want this particular man for you? Or do you think he’d be disgusted with such a person who speaks of women the way this man does and the fact that he’s married and hasn’t pursued a legal separation or divorce? 

I think he’d tell you that you deserve better and that you’re settling. I think you know you are too. Allow yourself to grieve your husband completely and start healing before you embark on finding someone else who is truly as worthy of your time and love as your dear late husband was. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

t'll be so difficult to not hear from him or see him (even though it's already been a month). 

You were married for many years. You raised a child.  How many times did you have to do something really really difficult because it was the right thing to do or in the best interests of your health,  your child's health, your spouse's health? 

How many times did you have to let your child do something risky because it was time to let go more and let them spread their wings while you worried and wondered did you let them do too much, too little whatever.  How many times did you walk away from a tense situation at work or a bad customer service situation when you felt like venting or ranting but you knew you had to do the right thing and let it go and walk away? It was hard right?

We're the same age-ish and I'm sure between us we've had to do so many "so difficult" things because it was the right thing to do plain and simple.  You'll come up with tools to redirect, distract or do whatever it takes when you miss hearing his voice so that you don't react by seeking out his voice.

Of course it's easier to to talk to your sex partner -you know there's no risk of ever having to deal with him in any serious relationship context -you know despite how much you lie to yourself - you don't have to evaluate your compatibility in terms of forever commitment so of course it lightens up everything. 

He probably has fun chatting with you too.  It's hard to find someone where there is that compatibility plus similar values (which you two lack -did you cheat on your husband like he cheated on his wife?), and plus -even more important -two people who want to be together in a serious or potentially serious way -you do, he doesn't.  It's hard but it's worth it. 

Yesterday I was racing around to get all my housework and child-related work and work work done because I had my twice yearly hair appointment and no the dishes and laundry and shopping won't be done if I don't do it- and my husband said to my back "you look great!"  I mean I didn't.  Hair all messy (pre-cut and color), intensely getting stuff done - so I said -I'm rushing around -why now? Oh he says you know it just came to me so I figured I'd tell you! 

What I think - it was context -he sees me making sure our home is -homey - even when I'm going to be gone for 5 hours - and he appreciates me so I look great in his eyes as a person who physically looks great but moreover being a wife and mother and taking care of business.  That's the "look great" part that matters I think not the surface level in the moment between the sheets sexual attraction.

Don't get me wrong -that's really really important to -but much less so in your arrangement where you make a plan to meet up where the focus is getting to orgasm hopefully and then some pillow talk where he at times extols the bodily parts and sexiness and hotness of..... other women.  

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

I knew he'd have an accent, but it was so hard to understand him. Maybe it'll be easier when I meet him in person, but I had such difficulty understanding him.

Maybe he's not the right guy for you to date?

The goal of dating is to find simpatico with a good match, not to force yourself to take up with anyone who asks you out. It is laborious to converse with people you can't understand, especially given that understanding IS the point of dating. Why do that to yourself?

It makes no sense to set yourself up badly only to compare that lousy experience against the f-buddy who is lousy for you.   

[graphicdesigner]

11 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Wow.  It's like this is a whole different thread.   I thought you were very sad and jealous that he didn't compliment you, spoke openly about various women he thinks are sexy, and he turns you down more frequently than he agrees with your requests to have sex with him.

We've been trying to help you with these issues. 

Now you're talking like you are dating with some type of possible future.

When did the switch flip?  

I honestly didn't mean this thread to change, I literally created it just because of...well, why I created it. Because it made me jealous when he talked about other women in that context but not compliment me. Deep down, I know there's no future with us. I just know it. I don't know why I'm on this merry go round with this person knowing full well it's just temporary. I guess I'm just so vulnerable right now, that I'm willing to put up with it? I wish I knew because I've always had such high regard when it comes to dating men. I've always been confident in my relationships and never felt so insecure like I do with this man. It's exhausting!

11 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

I have a question and it may have already come up in the thread, but I haven’t read all the posts yet, so, sorry if I am doubling up.

If your late husband (so sorry for your loss) were to see the man you’d chosen for yourself now, do you think he’d approve of the way you’ve been treated? Do you think he’d want this particular man for you? Or do you think he’d be disgusted with such a person who speaks of women the way this man does and the fact that he’s married and hasn’t pursued a legal separation or divorce? 

I think he’d tell you that you deserve better and that you’re settling. I think you know you are too. Allow yourself to grieve your husband completely and start healing before you embark on finding someone else who is truly as worthy of your time and love as your dear late husband was. 

Honestly? My husband would be disgusted. He wouldn't tolerate this from any man for me. I know he'd want me to be happy and find a man who treated me like he treated me. With respect and loved me and told me everyday that I'm beautiful, just like he did. He wouldn't want this man to be a stepfather to my daughter (not that I'm even thinking about marriage), and wouldn't want those kinds of values shifted onto her. He didn't know I had sex-only relationships before we met, he never wanted to know about my sexual past, and he never told me about his. He was very private about that, and I respected it.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You were married for many years. You raised a child.  How many times did you have to do something really really difficult because it was the right thing to do or in the best interests of your health,  your child's health, your spouse's health? 

How many times did you have to let your child do something risky because it was time to let go more and let them spread their wings while you worried and wondered did you let them do too much, too little whatever.  How many times did you walk away from a tense situation at work or a bad customer service situation when you felt like venting or ranting but you knew you had to do the right thing and let it go and walk away? It was hard right?

We're the same age-ish and I'm sure between us we've had to do so many "so difficult" things because it was the right thing to do plain and simple.  You'll come up with tools to redirect, distract or do whatever it takes when you miss hearing his voice so that you don't react by seeking out his voice.

Of course it's easier to to talk to your sex partner -you know there's no risk of ever having to deal with him in any serious relationship context -you know despite how much you lie to yourself - you don't have to evaluate your compatibility in terms of forever commitment so of course it lightens up everything. 

He probably has fun chatting with you too.  It's hard to find someone where there is that compatibility plus similar values (which you two lack -did you cheat on your husband like he cheated on his wife?), and plus -even more important -two people who want to be together in a serious or potentially serious way -you do, he doesn't.  It's hard but it's worth it. 

Yesterday I was racing around to get all my housework and child-related work and work work done because I had my twice yearly hair appointment and no the dishes and laundry and shopping won't be done if I don't do it- and my husband said to my back "you look great!"  I mean I didn't.  Hair all messy (pre-cut and color), intensely getting stuff done - so I said -I'm rushing around -why now? Oh he says you know it just came to me so I figured I'd tell you! 

What I think - it was context -he sees me making sure our home is -homey - even when I'm going to be gone for 5 hours - and he appreciates me so I look great in his eyes as a person who physically looks great but moreover being a wife and mother and taking care of business.  That's the "look great" part that matters I think not the surface level in the moment between the sheets sexual attraction.

Don't get me wrong -that's really really important to -but much less so in your arrangement where you make a plan to meet up where the focus is getting to orgasm hopefully and then some pillow talk where he at times extols the bodily parts and sexiness and hotness of..... other women.  

That's very sweet of your husband. Times like that are to be treasured! I miss it so much, not just the compliments but everything about him. He always made me laugh—until he no longer could—and I miss it so much. He had the best sense of humor, which is very important to me. 

You are correct, obviously as a mother and a wife/widow, I've had to go through a great deal of heartache and tough choices. Including losing my husband and when he got diagnosed. That was the worst day of my life and I'll never forget it. I've been through much worse than dealing with this FWB man, and I need to remind myself of that every single day, because maybe then, I'd have enough self-respect to walk away and move forward with my life. Whether I'm celibate or not, is not the issue, I need to heal and move on.

Just the other day I had a breakdown while thinking about my husband. It had been a long time since I've cried this hard, and I couldn't stop. It was really tough. 

15 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Maybe he's not the right guy for you to date?

The goal of dating is to find simpatico with a good match, not to force yourself to take up with anyone who asks you out. It is laborious to converse with people you can't understand, especially given that understanding IS the point of dating. Why do that to yourself?

It makes no sense to set yourself up badly only to compare that lousy experience against the f-buddy who is lousy for you.   

I know, I do agree, but I definitely want to meet him in person first to make that call. He said he has a great sense of humor via text, but when I spoke to him on the phone, he really didn't seem like he did. I just don't see this man making me laugh. I don't know. Maybe it's too premature to make that call yet. Like I said, I do want to meet him in person first and see how it goes. You never know.

[Andrina]

I thought the reason you entered a FWB thing was that you didn't think it fair to a serious-minded guy --

that you were still grieving and didn't want anything serious. But now you would want something serious with this guy if he was willing. Isn't that a signal that you are ready for something serious with a partner who has the same relationship goal?

You just started dating after a long period of not having to. I was in the same boat as you except mine was due to divorce. There are things I did right and I also made numerous mistakes. Here are some really basic things I don't think anyone can disagree with:

1. When two people have major, opposing relationship goals, it will never work out.

2. If a person needs to make a major change for you to ever be happy, it's foolish to wait around hoping for the best, and a huge waste of your precious time.

I'm close to your age and am very cognizant of having a quarter of my life left, and you should be concerned about that as well as far as being quicker about cutting off the men who have dealbreakers and lack must-haves. You probably don't even have a list since you're settling, even in the sex dept. since you're the one always begging him. You'd think that when your husband had a low libido, that a new prized partner would match your libido. How about making a list and sticking to it while dating? That'll be a good guide and a tool for you to end things, letting it override your emotions.

Your FWB wouldn't even be emotionally ready to give himself fully until at least an entire year of flying solo. And as many know, when a guy is ready to commit, it's most often with someone new and not someone he messed around with when he was being unethical or non-committal. It's likely he likes his life as is. Surrounded by lots of women who gobble up his breadcrumbs while acting like it's a gourmet meal.

Merry-Go-Rounds are fun for a moment but they don't take you anywhere. You jump off at the spot you got on. It's definitely time to get off and see it as a catalyst that made you realize you want it all and will begin the quest for the right man for you. Much easier to do once you've blocked him and get closure. Your plan of an instant monkey-branching from him to a new guy you're seeing sparks with is a poor one.

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

Just the other day I had a breakdown while thinking about my husband. It had been a long time since I've cried this hard, and I couldn't stop. It was really tough. 

Aww, my heart goes out to you. Yes, really tough, and also really necessary, really cleansing, and really healing. 

A 'good' cry that feels like you're not just crying for the reason you started in that moment, but rather for every tear you've ever or never cried in your lifetime, is the stuff that tenderizes us into new people with the strength and compassion for ourselves and others that we never knew before.

Trust the process, and trust your Self.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's likely he likes his life as is. Surrounded by lots of women who gobble up his breadcrumbs while acting like it's a gourmet meal.

^^Quoted again for emphasis and of course that would include you OP.

You're most likely one of many he's got on a rotation. 

I find it sad really and would encourage you to seek therapy if not already to sort these issues out.

I've been saying this quite often lately but life is too damn short to be spending it on time wasters like him.

And yes you DO deserve better, we all do. 

 

 

[Batya33]

It's not necessary to know why or exactly why you are making poor choices in order to stop making poor choices.  You can choose to delete this person from your life - that is in your control - and not choose this passive "I can't help myself! I don't know why!" approach.  

I'm sure you're not always motivated to do the right thing, to do what needs to be done -and you're not sure why - you're just not feeling it.  And you do it anyway.  

I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband!!

[graphicdesigner]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It's not necessary to know why or exactly why you are making poor choices in order to stop making poor choices.  You can choose to delete this person from your life - that is in your control - and not choose this passive "I can't help myself! I don't know why!" approach.  

I'm sure you're not always motivated to do the right thing, to do what needs to be done -and you're not sure why - you're just not feeling it.  And you do it anyway.  

I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband!!

Thank you, I appreciate that. That's very nice of you to say! 🥰

I just started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. Only been to her twice so far, but I go every Tuesday morning. We've already discussed this man in length, trust me, and she's helping me work on my self-worth because she said it's clear that I not only have low self-esteem right now, but low self-worth. She's right, I do. She blames me for getting this far with this man, not him because he's been up front since day one, and I took the bait. What man wouldn't agree to this? 

[graphicdesigner]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

I thought the reason you entered a FWB thing was that you didn't think it fair to a serious-minded guy --

that you were still grieving and didn't want anything serious. But now you would want something serious with this guy if he was willing. Isn't that a signal that you are ready for something serious with a partner who has the same relationship goal?

You just started dating after a long period of not having to. I was in the same boat as you except mine was due to divorce. There are things I did right and I also made numerous mistakes. Here are some really basic things I don't think anyone can disagree with:

1. When two people have major, opposing relationship goals, it will never work out.

2. If a person needs to make a major change for you to ever be happy, it's foolish to wait around hoping for the best, and a huge waste of your precious time.

I'm close to your age and am very cognizant of having a quarter of my life left, and you should be concerned about that as well as far as being quicker about cutting off the men who have dealbreakers and lack must-haves. You probably don't even have a list since you're settling, even in the sex dept. since you're the one always begging him. You'd think that when your husband had a low libido, that a new prized partner would match your libido. How about making a list and sticking to it while dating? That'll be a good guide and a tool for you to end things, letting it override your emotions.

Your FWB wouldn't even be emotionally ready to give himself fully until at least an entire year of flying solo. And as many know, when a guy is ready to commit, it's most often with someone new and not someone he messed around with when he was being unethical or non-committal. It's likely he likes his life as is. Surrounded by lots of women who gobble up his breadcrumbs while acting like it's a gourmet meal.

Merry-Go-Rounds are fun for a moment but they don't take you anywhere. You jump off at the spot you got on. It's definitely time to get off and see it as a catalyst that made you realize you want it all and will begin the quest for the right man for you. Much easier to do once you've blocked him and get closure. Your plan of an instant monkey-branching from him to a new guy you're seeing sparks with is a poor one.

Hmm...good points. I never looked at it that way. At my age, I only have so much time left, but have soon realized that I don't want to be alone. My daughter has her own life and she's a very busy woman. I'm lucky to see her once a week, if that. She's all I've got right now. I never realized how difficult dating became. I never had any problems dating before I met my husband, it was easy to meet men back then because it was organic, not like today where it's all online, especially at my age. I work in the kind of job where meeting men is impossible, and I don't really have much of a social life these days, so it's difficult for me to meet men that way either. Even when I do go out with my daughter or a friend, it's not like in the movies where men walk up to you and ask you out LOL. I wish!

So for me, online dating was the next step. I don't mind it really, I actually enjoy chatting with them for a week or so and then meeting them in person. I don't typically like to wait much longer than that before I meet them, because it could be a waste of time and then once you meet them, there's no chemistry there. Happened to me a few times already. It's definitely a mind game and it's not easy, especially at our age.

Maybe you're right about the FWB man and him not wanting to date seriously, but I do. I didn't think I was ready, but want(ed) it with him. Maybe that does mean I'm ready to date someone exclusively? I never looked at it that way. Definitely something to think about.

[Jaunty]

Here's something that's probably going on with you:

You are attached to the way you look - being physically attractive is important to you, and you care about others' opinions of you in that respect as well.

You had sexual relationships and met your husband when you were a young woman.  

Your husband found you beautiful and attractive in all ways, and let you know that.  

Long marriage, sounds like a happy one where you both remained attracted to each other and felt love.  Now he's been gone for a few years.

So you venture out into the world of sex as a middle aged woman.  

First time back in that world since in your 20's, right?  

That is a huge deal.  I'm sorry to say but our culture worships youth and women get the worst end of that deal.  There are still posts around here from time to time talking about women who are past their mid 20's as being on a downhill slide.

It's disgusting.  But, the attitude exists and a woman getting back out into the world of men/ dating / sex after her youth years are past is stepping into a place that can be very brutal to her self image, if she is not extremely self confident and able to refute that sh**.  

Long diatribe, but I think that this dynamic is in play with you.

You are throwing yourself under a bus with this particular man, but not really because he won't tell you compliments that boost your self esteem.  That really does need to be coming from within you.   

Still, though, THIS man is a turd because he is treating you in a very cavalier manner, and YOU are being untrue to yourself by putting up with it.   

 

[graphicdesigner]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Here's something that's probably going on with you:

You are attached to the way you look - being physically attractive is important to you, and you care about others' opinions of you in that respect as well.

You had sexual relationships and met your husband when you were a young woman.  

Your husband found you beautiful and attractive in all ways, and let you know that.  

Long marriage, sounds like a happy one where you both remained attracted to each other and felt love.  Now he's been gone for a few years.

So you venture out into the world of sex as a middle aged woman.  

First time back in that world since in your 20's, right?  

That is a huge deal.  I'm sorry to say but our culture worships youth and women get the worst end of that deal.  There are still posts around here from time to time talking about women who are past their mid 20's as being on a downhill slide.

It's disgusting.  But, the attitude exists and a woman getting back out into the world of men/ dating / sex after her youth years are past is stepping into a place that can be very brutal to her self image, if she is not extremely self confident and able to refute that sh**.  

Long diatribe, but I think that this dynamic is in play with you.

You are throwing yourself under a bus with this particular man, but not really because he won't tell you compliments that boost your self esteem.  That really does need to be coming from within you.   

Still, though, THIS man is a turd because he is treating you in a very cavalier manner, and YOU are being untrue to yourself by putting up with it.   

 

Wow! This all resonates with me completely. You are spot on. Yes, when I met my husband I was 28, and we got married when I was 29 and he was 31. Obviously, we both changed over the years. I gained some weight here and there and he lost a lot of his hair, but primarily I have always been in good shape (until I gained a lot after he was diagnosed). I've played tennis for many years, played 3 years of rugby in college, was a runner for over 30 years, and I've been an avid skier for 35+ years. With some rollerblading and biking in between that. So when I gained a ton of weight, I was very very unhappy and felt extremely unhealthy. I decided to get bariatric surgery which I got back in July 2023, and so far, I've lost 56 lbs. to date. I still have about 30 more to go. But I feel really good about myself now, and it's been a long time since I've felt this confident. Unfortunately, this man has made me feel so insecure about myself (not when we're together), because he'll mention how he thinks someone is sexy or beautiful, or even hot. Makes me feel like crap. One of the women he told me he thought was sexy was a 24 year old woman. She's my daughter's age, so I kind of thought that was gross on his part, especially since he has a son who's 19. What if he ever met my daughter and said the same thing? That's just sick. She's gorgeous, too, but he's never said anything about how she looks (he has seen some pics of her). 

What I do find odd, is he has never ever mentioned what his wife looked like, or the woman he dated for a year. You'd think being the *** that he is, he would have said something about them and how he feels they're attractive. Obviously, he would find them both attractive since he married his wife and dated that woman for a year. But like someone else mentioned, love is in the eye of the beholder.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

Thank you, I appreciate that. That's very nice of you to say! 🥰

I just started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. Only been to her twice so far, but I go every Tuesday morning. We've already discussed this man in length, trust me, and she's helping me work on my self-worth because she said it's clear that I not only have low self-esteem right now, but low self-worth. She's right, I do. She blames me for getting this far with this man, not him because he's been up front since day one, and I took the bait. What man wouldn't agree to this? 

My husband would not have. My boyfriend before him would not have. For example.  One of many examples.  That's a pretty low opinion of men.  Some people enjoy casual sex or enjoy taking sex when it's offered-as this person said it's a positive to him that you're good with NSA sex.  Many people desire sex intensely and are selective about how and when and if they give into that desire.  Or they're simply pragmatic -they don't want the risk of an STD or accidental pregnancy.  Whatever.  

Rewatch that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally's best friend keeps making excuses for her married man and wanting reassurance that she should keep hoping he'll leave his wife for her.  Finally she admits out loud he won't -and Sally agrees.  She meets her single, available, down to earth husband soon after.  Rewatch -I'm sure you saw that movie as I did when you were in your 20s. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

so I kind of thought that was gross on his part, especially since he has a son who's 19. What if he ever met my daughter and said the same thing? That's just sick. She's gorgeous, too, but he's never said anything about how she looks (he has seen some pics of her). 

Someone you regard as sick and says gross stuff is someone you spend hours of your free time chatting up and you let him get inside of you? 

I often don't comment on a person's looks from a photo - you're very focused on what people look like it seems.  I'll say "that's a lovely photo" or "what a smile -she obviously was thrilled to be graduating!" but I like to meet someone in person and compliment them on a specific quality-typically not one they were born with but one they've obviously fostered or grown or accomplished.  

Of course he might meet one of your friends or coworkers or neighbors and say the same thing.  

[graphicdesigner]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

My husband would not have. My boyfriend before him would not have. For example.  One of many examples.  That's a pretty low opinion of men.  Some people enjoy casual sex or enjoy taking sex when it's offered-as this person said it's a positive to him that you're good with NSA sex.  Many people desire sex intensely and are selective about how and when and if they give into that desire.  Or they're simply pragmatic -they don't want the risk of an STD or accidental pregnancy.  Whatever.  

Rewatch that scene in When Harry Met Sally where Sally's best friend keeps making excuses for her married man and wanting reassurance that she should keep hoping he'll leave his wife for her.  Finally she admits out loud he won't -and Sally agrees.  She meets her single, available, down to earth husband soon after.  Rewatch -I'm sure you saw that movie as I did when you were in your 20s. 

I remember that movie vividly, and know exactly what you're talking about. I forgot about that actually. Carrie Fisher's character.

No worries of an STD or pregnancy here. We always use protection. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Someone you regard as sick and says gross stuff is someone you spend hours of your free time chatting up and you let him get inside of you? 

I often don't comment on a person's looks from a photo - you're very focused on what people look like it seems.  I'll say "that's a lovely photo" or "what a smile -she obviously was thrilled to be graduating!" but I like to meet someone in person and compliment them on a specific quality-typically not one they were born with but one they've obviously fostered or grown or accomplished.  

Of course he might meet one of your friends or coworkers or neighbors and say the same thing.  

I initially look at their photo, and if it's someone I could be interested in, I read on to their profile. I've talked with several men who weren't what they appeared at all. Not looks wise, just in general. Like this man that I'm talking to who's from Poland, he's very good looking and has an OK personality so far. He seems great via chat/text, but when we talked on the phone last night, I was really disheartened. But I'm going to see what happens when/if we meet in person. You never know. When I first started chatting with the FWB man, he didn't portray his sense of humor and great personality off the bat either. It wasn't until I met him in person that we really clicked. And it was mutual. 

So please don't label me as shallow or only into looks. I look beyond that. I myself am conscientious about how I look because that's me. I've been like that my entire life. I like to look good and it makes me feel good about myself in turn. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

So please don't label me as shallow or only into looks. I look beyond that. I myself am conscientious about how I look because that's me. I've been like that my entire life. I like to look good and it makes me feel good about myself in turn. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I don't think you are shallow.  I think you are very focused on how someone looks and how you look.  Nothing wrong with it except you are so invested in what this person thinks of your looks because you want him to want you for a potential relationship and he doesn't.  That's where it gets unhealthy.  Also it's fine you like to look good to feel good but that doesn't explain how you are so focused on what a man looks like and whether his stomach is flat or he has a pot belly that touches you when he kisses you. 

You need to look good to feel good.  Like for me for example I feel good about myself when I'm sweating on the treadmill every morning and when I make good choices in what I drink or eat.  I absolutely do not look good when I am on the treadmill and I probably don't smell good.  If I'm in a situation where looking good matters -an interview, a social event -yes then I care. I feel good about myself when I assert myself in an appropriate way and when I do a small kindness for someone. 

This is not to judge how you feel good but it's confusing because obviously you know this is personal to you and not everyone feels good based on how  they look -so why the inordinate focus on what your sex partner looks like as compared to the guy with the belly, why the inordinate focus on what his ex girlfriend looked like or how his wife's looks compare to yours -and why in the world your sex partner wouldn't comment on how gorgeous your daughter is from looking at a photo of her -that has nothing to do with you looking good to feel good -at least not that I can see.

Also protection isn't foolproof at all to protect against STDs especially since he presumably is sleeping around -you should assume that.

[graphicdesigner]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you are shallow.  I think you are very focused on how someone looks and how you look.  Nothing wrong with it except you are so invested in what this person thinks of your looks because you want him to want you for a potential relationship and he doesn't.  That's where it gets unhealthy.  Also it's fine you like to look good to feel good but that doesn't explain how you are so focused on what a man looks like and whether his stomach is flat or he has a pot belly that touches you when he kisses you. 

You need to look good to feel good.  Like for me for example I feel good about myself when I'm sweating on the treadmill every morning and when I make good choices in what I drink or eat.  I absolutely do not look good when I am on the treadmill and I probably don't smell good.  If I'm in a situation where looking good matters -an interview, a social event -yes then I care. I feel good about myself when I assert myself in an appropriate way and when I do a small kindness for someone. 

This is not to judge how you feel good but it's confusing because obviously you know this is personal to you and not everyone feels good based on how  they look -so why the inordinate focus on what your sex partner looks like as compared to the guy with the belly, why the inordinate focus on what his ex girlfriend looked like or how his wife's looks compare to yours -and why in the world your sex partner wouldn't comment on how gorgeous your daughter is from looking at a photo of her -that has nothing to do with you looking good to feel good -at least not that I can see.

Also protection isn't foolproof at all to protect against STDs especially since he presumably is sleeping around -you should assume that.

I'm sorry but I know he's not sleeping around. He's definitely not a player and I know this. He's a very kind and honest man; why would he have told me everything on our first meeting? Most players would lie their way out of it. Like my ex-boyfriend did when he cheated on his wife continuously throughout their marriage. One woman, he actually got engaged to, even while he was married. She had no idea he was married and had no idea that he had kids (he has 3 kids). He lied throughout his marriage. Most men are liars like that if they're going to cheat. I truly don't think my FWB is lying or sleeping around. I am the only woman he is sleeping with. And no, that doesn't make me stupid or naive. I just know.

His son is his priority, and his career and his commitments with chores, etc. I get this. He told me all of this at the beginning. Told me that he wouldn't have much time in life which is why he is not able to have a relationship, because he knows he would be a bad boyfriend. Just like he was to that woman. It's why they broke up. Why would he agree to continue our FWB if he was seeing/sleeping with someone else? It makes no sense. Especially knowing we're an hour away and it's not the most convenient situation. He could have easily told me to F-off when I tried to end it on 3 different occasions, but he didn't.

His wife has been dating another man for many years. The same man she cheated on him with. It's a very messed up situation, and to be honest I'm glad my marriage wasn't like that. I feel bad for anybody to be stuck in that situation. I'm lucky I had a good, faithful husband who loved me dearly and who was an excellent father to our daughter. 

I have been sleeping with him for 3.5 months now and no STD. I'm not worried about that.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I'm sorry but I know he's not sleeping around. He's definitely not a player and I know this. He's a very kind and honest man; why would he have told me everything on our first meeting? Most players would lie their way out of it. Like my ex-boyfriend did when he cheated on his wife continuously throughout their marriage. One woman, he actually got engaged to, even while he was married. She had no idea he was married and had no idea that he had kids (he has 3 kids). He lied throughout his marriage. Most men are liars like that if they're going to cheat. I truly don't think my FWB is lying or sleeping around. I am the only woman he is sleeping with. And no, that doesn't make me stupid or naive. I just know.

His son is his priority, and his career and his commitments with chores, etc. I get this. He told me all of this at the beginning. Told me that he wouldn't have much time in life which is why he is not able to have a relationship, because he knows he would be a bad boyfriend. Just like he was to that woman. It's why they broke up. Why would he agree to continue our FWB if he was seeing/sleeping with someone else? It makes no sense. Especially knowing we're an hour away and it's not the most convenient situation. He could have easily told me to F-off when I tried to end it on 3 different occasions, but he didn't.

His wife has been dating another man for many years. The same man she cheated on him with. It's a very messed up situation, and to be honest I'm glad my marriage wasn't like that. I feel bad for anybody to be stuck in that situation. I'm lucky I had a good, faithful husband who loved me dearly and who was an excellent father to our daughter. 

I have been sleeping with him for 3.5 months now and no STD. I'm not worried about that.

He might not be a player at all - he simply might enjoy sexual activity with a number of women who enjoy sexual activity with him.  I was extremely busy when I dated.  Ridiculously busy.  And i found time to meet new people, go on first meets, go on first and second and third dates cause I wanted a husband.  He obviously enjoys women in a sexual way and he's told you that many times. He wants to make darn sure you know how he loves ogling other women and why. So I'd assume he's pursuing other women for sex and if it's a local person I mean of course he has the time to meet up for sexual trysts.

He's done many dishonest things to his wife for sure. Two wrongs don't make a right and -he's married to her. Still.  Watch the feet not the lips -not what he says what he does.  So I doubt he is an honest person.  He was transparent with you about his intentions with you and transparent about how he values someone who can have NSA sex as he can - likely not to be honest but to avoid some Fatal Attraction issues down the line.  

Up to you about risks of STDs- you're so careful with your body I'm a bit surprised but you do you.

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

His son is his priority, and his career and his commitments with chores, etc. I get this. He told me all of this at the beginning. Told me that he wouldn't have much time in life which is why he is not able to have a relationship, because he knows he would be a bad boyfriend. Just like he was to that woman. It's why they broke up. Why would he agree to continue our FWB if he was seeing/sleeping with someone else? It makes no sense. Especially knowing we're an hour away and it's not the most convenient situation. He could have easily told me to F-off when I tried to end it on 3 different occasions, but he didn't.

I have been sleeping with him for 3.5 months now and no STD. I'm not worried about that.

^^Wow I feel like this is a completely different situation from what you've been posting!  Or perhaps it's just your attitude that's different.  More accepting.

In any event, as such, I'm going to backtrack. 

To me, this all sounds fine, standard FWB situation and I do believe you when you say he's not sleeping with others.

His life, his 'purpose' and his son are his priorities which is perfectly fine.  You're not in a "relationship" this is casual FWB so....

If I may ask, what's the problem again?  That he doesn't compliment you?

My advice?  Get over it. 😀  Work on achieving internal validation versus external from others such as compliments etc.

They don't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme.  In fact for me, often times I find compliments to be contrived and "trying too hard to impress or please" and a turn OFF.

Appreciate what he does give you when he has the time and desire to give it and carry on living your own life. 

I still believe therapy would be beneficial though.

That's my final advice based on your current more accepting attitude.

Wishing you all the best graphic, good luck! 

[Batya33]

Do you have an agreement that either of you must tell the other if you had sex with someone else -for purposes of STDs? If not assume that if he feels like having intercourse with someone he meets locally -he will.  And it's fine if he does given your sexual arrangement.  I'd stop the sexual arrangement if his tacky oversharing about other women makes you feel badly about yourself -the bariatric surgery you had was a huge step for you, a huge undertaking and why ruin the benefits of the positives to your self esteem with some loser who has to make himself feel like all that by ejaculating inside of you then describing basically how he'd like to have sex with another woman.  Ick.

[graphicdesigner]

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^Wow I feel like this is a completely different situation from what you've been posting!  Or perhaps it's just your attitude that's different.  More accepting.

In any event, as such, I'm going to backtrack. 

To me, this all sounds fine, standard FWB situation and I do believe you when you say he's not sleeping with others.

His life, his 'purpose' and his son are his priorities which is perfectly fine.  You're not in a "relationship" this is casual FWB so....

If I may ask, what's the problem again?  That he doesn't compliment you?

My advice?  Get over it. 😀  Work on achieving internal validation versus external from others such as compliments etc.

They don't mean a hill of beans in the grand scheme.  In fact for me, often times I find compliments to be contrived and "trying too hard to impress or please" and a turn OFF.

Appreciate what he does give you when he has the time and desire to give it and carry on living your own life. 

I still believe therapy would be beneficial though.

That's my final advice based on your current more accepting attitude.

Wishing you all the best graphic, good luck! 

Yes, it does/did bother me that he doesn't compliment me outside of saying he's "sexually attracted" to me. I guess that's something, right? I even talk to my best friend about this, who is a guy, and he said that compliments for a FWB should never happen—that's something you save for a relationship. Went to a movie tonight with my girlfriend and she agrees. That he's probably not complimenting me because he's keeping a distance with the FWB and not a relationship. Makes sense, I guess.

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Do you have an agreement that either of you must tell the other if you had sex with someone else -for purposes of STDs? If not assume that if he feels like having intercourse with someone he meets locally -he will.  And it's fine if he does given your sexual arrangement.  I'd stop the sexual arrangement if his tacky oversharing about other women makes you feel badly about yourself -the bariatric surgery you had was a huge step for you, a huge undertaking and why ruin the benefits of the positives to your self esteem with some loser who has to make himself feel like all that by ejaculating inside of you then describing basically how he'd like to have sex with another woman.  Ick.

He has never told me that he wants to have sex with another woman—never! He told me that he thought a particular woman was sexy, a 24 year old woman. And that a woman he slept with years ago was beautiful. That's all he's ever said. He doesn't go around telling me he wants to have sex with anyone else or anything like that. This has all been blown out of proportion, and maybe that's my fault because apparently I wasn't very clear. 

Yes, we do have an arrangement that we are not to sleep with anybody else. If I do, or he does, then we will tell each other and it will stop. Neither of us believes in having sex with multiple partners at the same time, so in a weird way, this FWB is exclusive sexually. He knows I go on dates with other men, and he is OK with that. But I haven't slept with anyone else other than him—he is still the first and only man that I have slept with since my husband died, and I've only kissed one other man other than him, and we didn't end up going out again because we live 2 hours from each other. So it never got further than that.

There, I hope that clears this up.

 

[LotusBlack]

7 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

Yes, it does/did bother me that he doesn't compliment me outside of saying he's "sexually attracted" to me. I guess that's something, right? I even talk to my best friend about this, who is a guy, and he said that compliments for a FWB should never happen—that's something you save for a relationship. Went to a movie tonight with my girlfriend and she agrees. That he's probably not complimenting me because he's keeping a distance with the FWB and not a relationship. Makes sense, I guess.

 

He has never told me that he wants to have sex with another woman—never! He told me that he thought a particular woman was sexy, a 24 year old woman. And that a woman he slept with years ago was beautiful. That's all he's ever said. He doesn't go around telling me he wants to have sex with anyone else or anything like that. This has all been blown out of proportion, and maybe that's my fault because apparently I wasn't very clear. 

Yes, we do have an arrangement that we are not to sleep with anybody else. If I do, or he does, then we will tell each other and it will stop. Neither of us believes in having sex with multiple partners at the same time, so in a weird way, this FWB is exclusive sexually. He knows I go on dates with other men, and he is OK with that. But I haven't slept with anyone else other than him—he is still the first and only man that I have slept with since my husband died, and I've only kissed one other man other than him, and we didn't end up going out again because we live 2 hours from each other. So it never got further than that.

There, I hope that clears this up.

 

Can I be frank, OP, I don’t think anything has been blown out of proportion at all. I think you are deeply unhappy with the status [quo] of your situationship and it has propelled you to seek out guidance, reassurance, and comfort from others, which is completely understandable.

You are so desperate to resolve the situation due to how unfulfilled it makes you feel, but when that guidance is given to you, reality sets in and you panic. You panic because you feel like you’ve finally found yourself - after years of grief from the loss of your life partner - in something reliable despite the instability of it. As hurtful as it is and leaves you feeling bereft, it is still there in some form, which, to your broken heart, is better than there being nothing there at all.

I know how it feels to be in such a state. My ex-husband was so damaging to me with his quietly calm but cruel words that it would drive me away so violently - the urge to feel released from the pain was so overwhelming I’d just want to scream at the injustice of it all, and sometimes I did. I hated my situation. But, in the next breath, I’d feel a crippling panic set in because if I didn’t belong with him, where did I belong? I would be alone again, just as I had always been, but this time with an infant. I didn’t want a broken family and just wished each day that if he just treated me with love, kindness, and respect - as I did him - then we could be happy and I wouldn’t be in this position, a position my own values and morals raged against with such indignation as to spur me on to call out his wrongdoings. And he would look at me with such indifference because I really didn’t matter in his life. And that made me panic even more. To not matter at all and end up empty handed when I had wanted so much and hoped for so much was often more than I could bare. And so, like this, the cycle would continue - I’d hate my situation but panic when the chance to change it was within reach.

But, no matter how much you want something, if it involves another person, then they need to want it too. Anything short of equal interest leads to the only inevitable outcome, a seperate one. Our situations were/are vastly different, but the desire to have something happy and fulfilling, and the fear of it changing to nothing at all, is very much the same.

Nothing has been blown out of proportion. This thread went in this direction because you were abiding by your own sense of integrity, justice, and morality. But when things got too close to potential change, panic set in and you gaslit yourself and justified this man’s behaviours to the point that you are now willing to accept what you intrinsically don’t want just so you can remain reliably unstable in your relations. Because, hey, something is better than nothing, even if that nothing is toxic sh*t.