FWB never compliments me but always tells me when a woman is hot or sexy.

[graphicdesigner]

35 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yes (I dare admit this...), but I was in a casual relationship once.

And the great part about it was - that I felt zero emotional attachment to that person. We were happy to see each other, to share bed for a while, even to chat.

And then we just forgot that we saw each other. No hard feelings, no grief, nothing. And it wasn't because of lack of good emotions, probably it was thanks to the good ones - that person made me feel good and hence all emotions sounded good.

But when you know you can go tomorrow and unattach yourself - then you do not need to guard your feelings, your heart, or whatever. You just enjoy.

I could never carry on like this with someone I had romantic feelings towards -- it would just be TOO PAINFUL.

OP your casual lover is asking for a totally different type of relationship than you are -- he does not want to bond. 

I like to draw the parallel between sex and food because it can be easier to wrap our heads around something so similar. 

You are starving... and he likes sweet and sour food and you like salt...he is not your full meal and this can be really lonely.

His sexual menu allows for sex without salt, pepper, or parsley flakes....and yours does not.....guess who commands the most on the sexual menu? 

He has no intention of buying that bag of potatoes to make you feel full and secure.  It just is what it is. 

I think you have choices.....suffer from starvation with the sweet and sour dish....OR you start to cook and make dishes that you KNOW you like and are not feeling hungry. 

You have options...but HE IS NOT FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE GOING TO CHANGE. Casual sex = casual feelings. Plain and simple. You can't change his intentions and behaviors, but you can change your own by focusing on yourself and what actually fulfills you.

I know you're right, I do. It's just so difficult to wrap my head/heart around this reality with him. My best friend (who is a man) tells me this all the time. He always says "it's just sex," but this is from a man's perspective, not a woman. Women think differently in this scenario than men. Men can easily detach themselves from sex, whereas women typically experience romantic feelings towards that partner. I've read all about this simply because I wanted answers to why I was feeling this way. It was so confusing to me because as I've said, I've done the sex-only relationships many times before, and it worked for me (and them). So why is it so different now? Is it because he's unavailable, so that's psychologically affecting my feelings towards him? Or is it more than that? I have no idea. 

[yogacat]

44 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

I know you're right, I do. It's just so difficult to wrap my head/heart around this reality with him. My best friend (who is a man) tells me this all the time. He always says "it's just sex," but this is from a man's perspective, not a woman. Women think differently in this scenario than men. Men can easily detach themselves from sex, whereas women typically experience romantic feelings towards that partner. I've read all about this simply because I wanted answers to why I was feeling this way. It was so confusing to me because as I've said, I've done the sex-only relationships many times before, and it worked for me (and them). So why is it so different now? Is it because he's unavailable, so that's psychologically affecting my feelings towards him? Or is it more than that? I have no idea. 

Biologically, yes, I know men and women are different; it's harder for women to detach from sex because of the hormones released. Albeit, I too was able to separate emotions from sex easily in a past casual relationship.

And, sounds like the same for you in prior situations... But were those before your husband passed away?

Because we've pointed out incessantly if grief over your husband has affected you so maybe it's more than hormones for you. You also mentioned that this particular man doesn't compliment you, and that your husband did often compliment you.

So if that's always been what you were accustomed to from your husband and maybe it made you feel more confident or attractive, then having someone who doesn't, maybe, affects your psyche differently because you were used to it and now it's gone.

Nonetheless, no amount of analysis is going to help you any until you ride this thing out, give it space and time to fizzle out, and MOST importantly, it release's grasp from your heart in time.

Now, explain something since we are here...  

Even if he did compliment you, wouldn't you still feel the same exact way towards him? The act of that is what causes us to feel like this; being indirectly rejected by him when the truth of it is he's never really accepted anything emotionally with you like you want him to.

Logically, even though he does not compliment you, handles his business in bed; as long as he shuns you emotionally, it would still cause you to feel just like you are feeling now.  And since we know he simply didn't want or even allow a connection to be fostered, he's given you everything you've honestly asked for in both respects. 

[graphicdesigner]

37 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Biologically, yes, I know men and women are different; it's harder for women to detach from sex because of the hormones released. Albeit, I too was able to separate emotions from sex easily in a past casual relationship.

And, sounds like the same for you in prior situations... But were those before your husband passed away?

Because we've pointed out incessantly if grief over your husband has affected you so maybe it's more than hormones for you. You also mentioned that this particular man doesn't compliment you, and that your husband did often compliment you.

So if that's always been what you were accustomed to from your husband and maybe it made you feel more confident or attractive, then having someone who doesn't, maybe, affects your psyche differently because you were used to it and now it's gone.

Nonetheless, no amount of analysis is going to help you any until you ride this thing out, give it space and time to fizzle out, and MOST importantly, it release's grasp from your heart in time.

Now, explain something since we are here...  

Even if he did compliment you, wouldn't you still feel the same exact way towards him? The act of that is what causes us to feel like this; being indirectly rejected by him when the truth of it is he's never really accepted anything emotionally with you like you want him to.

Logically, even though he does not compliment you, handles his business in bed; as long as he shuns you emotionally, it would still cause you to feel just like you are feeling now.  And since we know he simply didn't want or even allow a connection to be fostered, he's given you everything you've honestly asked for in both respects. 

These sex-only relationships that I had before, were while I was in college, so before I even met my husband. So yes, prior to my husband passing. I always had boyfriends (and casual sex partners) compliment me regularly, with the exception of one, which was literally a one night stand (which is all I wanted from him). So I'm not sure if him complimenting me regularly would change my feelings towards him. Not sure if that's relevant? But he has complimented me, he's told me several times that he's "sexually attracted" to me, and told me when we first met (prior to having sex) that he was "strongly attracted" to me. But never told me I was sexy, beautiful or hot. He told me I was awesome after the first time we had sex. Not really a compliment per se, but that's what he said.

 

[yogacat]

42 minutes ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

So I'm not sure if him complimenting me regularly would change my feelings towards him. Not sure if that's relevant? But he has complimented me, he's told me several times that he's "sexually attracted" to me, and told me when we first met (prior to having sex) that he was "strongly attracted" to me. But never told me I was sexy, beautiful or hot. He told me I was awesome after the first time we had sex. Not really a compliment per se, but that's what he said.

 

It's relevant because that is what your thread is initially based on, if I'm correct.

Initially you admitted to being bothered that he talks about how he finds other women beautiful/hot/sexy.

So again, he wouldn't have to do what you initially explained in order for you to feel the same way you do, correct?

Same premise with the complimenting, since you actually admitted to thinking maybe you'd want him to compliment you by saying you're 'hot'. But apparently his compliments are evidently a grand thing, since you initially put utmost thought into it, about it no?

Simple, let it go. All this jealousy has come up because he mentioned other women.

Either way he's not hiding the fact that strictly this is a non-committal friends with benefits agreement.

Whatever has been happening in the emotional part of the relationship, won't last.  Screw any hope if we must say it because it's going to end up as one way and the other enjoying it for a while.

He just had a loss like you did (his marriage ending) and instead of clinging to someone else emotionally, he obviously elected to engage with someone he could get down with, and while that's an amazing stress relief, it doesn't look like anything could stem from this I'm sorry to inform you.

So while circumstance is what brought you together, it's only going to keep the relationship in this kind of context.

But we have to draw a line.

It won't matter if he complimented you or if he treated you with more than respect, his bedside manner or charisma, because that's never been the crux of your issue. The mere fact that he doesn't openly give you what you do need is the underlying conspicuous part that no matter how many compliments or how much of his time he is willing to give won't assure you. Compliments are deceptive and fleeting and truly, are basic emotional trinkets no matter how well it cools you with customary or spoken words.

[Batya33]

If you are a person who expects more than just sex from this married man who comments (you started the thread focused on this) on how hot and sexy other women are and doesn't want a relationship with you then you're barking up the wrong tree IMO.  

Even if you could see photos of his wife and you believed you were prettier it's irrelevant to whether he had more chemistry with her or more attraction - beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So is chemistry. And in the past obviously he wanted a committed relationship with her which he does not want with you.  So it's apples and oranges.

I hope you choose to cut this off.

And congratulations on the weight loss!!!

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, graphicdesigner2005 said:

Maybe it is nothing but a pipe dream, but I like him a lot and I want to see where this goes.

You're seeing exactly 'where this goes,' you're living it now. So here you are. Enjoying your loneliness for him, yes?

[graphicdesigner]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

It's relevant because that is what your thread is initially based on, if I'm correct.

Initially you admitted to being bothered that he talks about how he finds other women beautiful/hot/sexy.

So again, he wouldn't have to do what you initially explained in order for you to feel the same way you do, correct?

Same premise with the complimenting, since you actually admitted to thinking maybe you'd want him to compliment you by saying you're 'hot'. But apparently his compliments are evidently a grand thing, since you initially put utmost thought into it, about it no?

Simple, let it go. All this jealousy has come up because he mentioned other women.

Either way he's not hiding the fact that strictly this is a non-committal friends with benefits agreement.

Whatever has been happening in the emotional part of the relationship, won't last.  Screw any hope if we must say it because it's going to end up as one way and the other enjoying it for a while.

He just had a loss like you did (his marriage ending) and instead of clinging to someone else emotionally, he obviously elected to engage with someone he could get down with, and while that's an amazing stress relief, it doesn't look like anything could stem from this I'm sorry to inform you.

So while circumstance is what brought you together, it's only going to keep the relationship in this kind of context.

But we have to draw a line.

It won't matter if he complimented you or if he treated you with more than respect, his bedside manner or charisma, because that's never been the crux of your issue. The mere fact that he doesn't openly give you what you do need is the underlying conspicuous part that no matter how many compliments or how much of his time he is willing to give won't assure you. Compliments are deceptive and fleeting and truly, are basic emotional trinkets no matter how well it cools you with customary or spoken words.

I know this, I guess a part of me is hoping what will happen with us eventually is he'll fall for me, like he did that woman he dated for a year. I know it's wishful thinking on my part, but I guess since he's never done the FWB thing before, maybe there's hope? Maybe in time? The disadvantage is, I live an hour away, whereas she lived 4 miles away. So we definitely don't get to see each other very often because of it. I guess they saw each other all the time, which is how their feelings developed.

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If you are a person who expects more than just sex from this married man who comments (you started the thread focused on this) on how hot and sexy other women are and doesn't want a relationship with you then you're barking up the wrong tree IMO.  

Even if you could see photos of his wife and you believed you were prettier it's irrelevant to whether he had more chemistry with her or more attraction - beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So is chemistry. And in the past obviously he wanted a committed relationship with her which he does not want with you.  So it's apples and oranges.

I hope you choose to cut this off.

And congratulations on the weight loss!!!

I have seen photos of his wife, that's neither here nor there. They were in college when they met, and got married not long after they graduated. I've only seen pics of her on what she looks like now, not then. Not that it matters. He obviously fell in love with her enough to marry her. I really wish I knew what that woman he dated for a year looked like. He's never said either way.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

I know this, I guess a part of me is hoping what will happen with us eventually is he'll fall for me, like he did that woman he dated for a year. I know it's wishful thinking on my part, but I guess since he's never done the FWB thing before, maybe there's hope? Maybe in time? The disadvantage is, I live an hour away, whereas she lived 4 miles away. So we definitely don't get to see each other very often because of it. I guess they saw each other all the time, which is how their feelings developed.

Don't be so sure. I know LDR gets a bad wrap, and for the most part, they're not sustainable but many o men committed long term to someone they met long distance and closed the gap.

Try not to let hope spring eternal, because while not impossible, it's often improbable to attempt to foster a romantic relationship within this framework.

[graphicdesigner]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Don't be so sure. I know LDR gets a bad wrap, and for the most part, they're not sustainable but many o men committed long term to someone they met long distance and closed the gap.

Try not to let hope spring eternal, because while not impossible, it's often improbable to attempt to foster a romantic relationship within this framework.

I know. I'm not getting my hopes up, per se, but I am holding out that it can happen. When we're together, although just in my apartment basically, he makes me feel wonderful and we always have great conversations and we really do have a lot in common. Not to mention, we are both into the same activities (we're both avid skiers). 

I don't tell him how I feel, because I know he'd end it immediately. I don't want that to happen because in a way, I want this to go long term (unless I start a relationship with someone else), just in case.

Stupid, I know.

[yogacat]

9 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I know. I'm not getting my hopes up, per se, but I am holding out that it can happen. When we're together, although just in my apartment basically, he makes me feel wonderful and we always have great conversations and we really do have a lot in common. Not to mention, we are both into the same activities (we're both avid skiers). 

I don't tell him how I feel, because I know he'd end it immediately. I don't want that to happen because in a way, I want this to go long term (unless I start a relationship with someone else), just in case.

Stupid, I know.

Oy vey. 

I just can't grasp my mind around this friends with benefits stuff so please forgive me if I sound ignorant or insulting...I mean well but I can't understand losing exclusivity with someone you care about.

No worries, I'm still a live one. 🙂  But just as an example... I love 80s movies, 80s music (oldies) and all that stuff.

By staying on a fantasizing path, you're slowing down any potential possibility of getting out of this mind-set of yours... Carpe diem!  

The ah-ha moment is that you're seeking validation and affirmation from this person. You have not fully realized your own value and are relying on him to give you a sense of worth and importance. That's not fair to you and it's not fair to him either.

But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the present and continue what you're doing with this person. Just don't get upset when he crushes on other women and tells you about it because you willingly signed up to be sex companion. You don't really know him, yet you've assigned an image of him as the perfect man.

You're living a self created false matrix.

Want to know if this person is truly the perfect man? Get to know him - his likes, dislikes, his flaws, his quirks. Have meaningful conversations about your values, interests and life goals. Go on real dates - not just hookup sessions. See if you truly connect and have a deeper emotional bond.

Alas, that isn't what he wants, so, recalibrate or get off the hot and heavy express.

[graphicdesigner]

20 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Oy vey. 

I just can't grasp my mind around this friends with benefits stuff so please forgive me if I sound ignorant or insulting...I mean well but I can't understand losing exclusivity with someone you care about.

No worries, I'm still a live one. 🙂  But just as an example... I love 80s movies, 80s music (oldies) and all that stuff.

By staying on a fantasizing path, you're slowing down any potential possibility of getting out of this mind-set of yours... Carpe diem!  

The ah-ha moment is that you're seeking validation and affirmation from this person. You have not fully realized your own value and are relying on him to give you a sense of worth and importance. That's not fair to you and it's not fair to him either.

But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the present and continue what you're doing with this person. Just don't get upset when he crushes on other women and tells you about it because you willingly signed up to be sex companion. You don't really know him, yet you've assigned an image of him as the perfect man.

You're living a self created false matrix.

Want to know if this person is truly the perfect man? Get to know him - his likes, dislikes, his flaws, his quirks. Have meaningful conversations about your values, interests and life goals. Go on real dates - not just hookup sessions. See if you truly connect and have a deeper emotional bond.

Alas, that isn't what he wants, so, recalibrate or get off the hot and heavy express.

Of course it's what he wants, but that could change in time. Just like it did when he first started seeing that woman that he dated for a year. You never know. For now, I'm gonna wait it out and see what happens. If something happens. It may, or may not. Only time will tell. Call me naive, I don't care, I really like this man a lot, and I'm not gonna let him go so easily/quickly. However, since I am dating other men (obviously nothing serious), if I meet someone that I want to pursue something with and want to have sex with, then I will end the FWB for sure. I won't have sex with two men (or multiple men) at the same time.

[LotusBlack]

On 5/21/2024 at 7:41 AM, graphicdesigner said:

I feel really hurt and jealous and I don't know what to do.

Stop seeing him and sever contact.

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

Of course it's what he wants, but that could change in time. Just like it did when he first started seeing that woman that he dated for a year. You never know. For now, I'm gonna wait it out and see what happens. If something happens. It may, or may not. Only time will tell. Call me naive, I don't care, I really like this man a lot, and I'm not gonna let him go so easily/quickly. However, since I am dating other men (obviously nothing serious), if I meet someone that I want to pursue something with and want to have sex with, then I will end the FWB for sure. I won't have sex with two men (or multiple men) at the same time.

^^I am wondering what has caused this extreme shift in mindset?  Just yesterday, you admitted he treats you poorly among other negative acknowledgements and stated you were going to ghost him!

You stated you are dating other men, five other men are currently vying for your attention and that you deserved better!

What happened between yesterday and today that changed your mind?

Just curious.

[graphicdesigner]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I am wondering what has caused this extreme shift in mindset?  Just yesterday, you admitted he treats you poorly among other negative acknowledgements and stated you were going to ghost him!

You stated you are dating other men, five other men are currently vying for your attention and that you deserved better!

What happened between yesterday and today that changed your mind?

Just curious.

I honestly don't know. I received some texts from him yesterday and they made me feel good, I guess. You have to understand, he's the first/only man that I've had sex with since my husband (after being celibate for 7 years), so I guess my feelings are a bit misguided right now. Believe me, I go back and forth on this daily. Especially after a therapy session. It's confusing to me, as well.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I received some texts from him yesterday and they made me feel good, I guess.

Yeah you got your "fix," just like a drug addict. It's really no different.

Sadly, it's temporary as you will go right back to feeling like a piece of **** next time he rejects you and/or doesn't respond to a message or fails to reach out.

Nuff said I guess.  Like most of us you will simply have to play this out and let chips fall where they may.

Good luck.

 

[graphicdesigner]

So there's a band that's gonna be here on June 7; a band from our college days. Should I ask him to go with me, or is that too out of the realm of FWB? I would emphasize that it's just as friends, not a relationship-type situation. Tickets are dirt cheap, too. I'm so afraid he'd say no though...

What should I do?

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

So there's a band that's gonna be here on June 7; a band from our college days. Should I ask him to go with me, or is that too out of the realm of FWB? I would emphasize that it's just as friends, not a relationship-type situation. Tickets are dirt cheap, too. I'm so afraid he'd say no though...

What should I do?

If me, I would go without him. 

[graphicdesigner]

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

If me, I would go without him. 

Yeah, that's what I figured. I think he would assume I'd want something more by asking him to attend this concert with me. Which we all know I do, but I definitely don't want him to think that.

I did tell him that the next time I see him or speak to him, that I think it's a good idea that we establish boundaries/ground rules for this, as it would make it a successful one. I will definitely bring up to see if he'd be OK if we went for coffee or drinks here and there. I'm sure he wouldn't want that, but I'm going to throw it out there.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

What should I do?

I think you should ask one of the other men you're dating and stop playing games (i.e pretending) with the married guy.

Pretending you don't care when in fact you DO and basically walking on eggshells fearful of saying something or doing something that will turn him off.

It's silly especially at your ages and serves no good purpose.

If you think inviting him will turn him off or something else equally negative, then for the love of all things beautiful, stop seeing him!

The concert is two weeks away, there is only one reason he would decline and that is he doesn't give a ****.

To add, you don't think he knows all the twisting and turning you're doing to hang on to him?

Trust me HE knows.  And it's not doing anything to inspire feelings in him because it tells him you don't respect yourself or value yourself so why should HE?

The way you're behaving now and have been will never inspire feelings in him the way you want. 

If you respected and valued yourself and walked away from this BS, it might. 

It's actually the opposite of what you're thinking. 

 

 

 

 

[graphicdesigner]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you should ask one of the other men you're dating and stop playing games (i.e pretending) with the married guy.

Pretending you don't care when in fact you DO and basically walking on eggshells fearful of saying something or doing something that will turn him off.

It's silly especially at your ages and serves no good purpose.

If you think inviting him will turn him off or something else equally negative, then for the love of all things beautiful, stop seeing him!

The concert is two weeks away, there is only one reason he would decline and that is he doesn't give a ****.

To add, you don't think he knows all the twisting and turning you're doing to hang on to him?

Trust me HE knows.  And it's not doing anything to inspire feelings in him because it tells him you don't respect yourself or value yourself so why should HE?

The way you're behaving now and have been will never inspire feelings in him the way you want. 

If you respected and valued yourself and walked away from this BS, it might. 

I'm curious, what am I doing (that HE can see) that I'm supposedly adding what sort of "twisting and turning?" Not sure what you mean by that. To reiterate, I tell him nothing about how I'm feeling towards him. He thinks I just "like him" and am not falling for him. I have repeatedly told him that. He doesn't suspect anything, as he has never asked me or mentioned it. Trust me when I say, he would end it so fast if he knew I felt this strongly towards him. So I am very coy with him, because I don't tread that line with him, because I know how he'd react. Maybe I am walking on eggshells, that's my issue, but in order to keep him as my FWB, it's what I am willing to do, and for now, it's worth the risk. 

I have been chatting with another man that I really like so far. We have an excellent connection and we plan on meeting as soon as he gets back from his business trip in NM. He gets back either Monday or Tuesday he said. We text everyday, throughout the day, so I feel like there's something there. But we'll see. Also seeing this man on Sunday for brunch (it'll be our third date), and I really like him as well. So we'll see where that goes.

Why would he not think I value myself just because we're in a FWB together? He knows how I am because I've told him several times before about my sex-only relationships in the past. He has told me point blank, that he thinks it's refreshing that I feel the same way as he does and that it's "awesome" that I've done this before in the past without getting feelings for that person. 

We're both grown adults (he's almost 58, and I'm 59), and we are both consenting towards this FWB.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, graphicdesigner said:

I'm curious, what am I doing (that HE can see) that I'm supposedly adding what sort of "twisting and turning?" Not sure what you mean by that. To reiterate, I tell him nothing about how I'm feeling towards him. He thinks I just "like him" and am not falling for him. I have repeatedly told him that. He doesn't suspect anything, as he has never asked me or mentioned it. Trust me when I say, he would end it so fast if he knew I felt this strongly towards him. So I am very coy with him, because I don't tread that line with him, because I know how he'd react. Maybe I am walking on eggshells, that's my issue, but in order to keep him as my FWB, it's what I am willing to do, and for now, it's worth the risk. 

I have been chatting with another man that I really like so far. We have an excellent connection and we plan on meeting as soon as he gets back from his business trip in NM. He gets back either Monday or Tuesday he said. We text everyday, throughout the day, so I feel like there's something there. But we'll see. Also seeing this man on Sunday for brunch (it'll be our third date), and I really like him as well. So we'll see where that goes.

Why would he not think I value myself just because we're in a FWB together? He knows how I am because I've told him several times before about my sex-only relationships in the past. He has told me point blank, that he thinks it's refreshing that I feel the same way as he does and that it's "awesome" that I've done this before in the past without getting feelings for that person. 

We're both grown adults (he's almost 58, and I'm 59), and we are both consenting towards this FWB.

 

He's not stupid, he's a man, he KNOWS, he can sense when women are playing games, hiding feelings, fearful and walking on eggshells.  

I don't have time to list all the ways you're behaving with this man that show him (or even yourself) that you don't value yourself or respect yourself and I cannot believe you're even asking. 

I am going to walk away from this thread now and wish you luck. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

So there's a band that's gonna be here on June 7; a band from our college days. Should I ask him to go with me, or is that too out of the realm of FWB? I would emphasize that it's just as friends, not a relationship-type situation. Tickets are dirt cheap, too. I'm so afraid he'd say no though...

What should I do?

He's not a friend of  yours -he's a person you meet up with for sex.  I'm sure some people who meet up for sex also meet up for other reasons like a concert. 

Fancy words like "realm" or trying to define this beyond the basics -two people who meet up for sex - is like when you pretend to yourself that this can be a "relationship" if you wish and hope hard enough that he will "fall for you"- so sure he might go or might not but if  you go it will increase your "hopes" and expectations because to me when I go to a concert that has all that nostalgia and feelings I can go with a platonic friend for sure but when I've gone with someone I have romantic feelings for if he didn't feel the  same being there and hearing the music and feeling all the feels would be so depressing if the person I was with clearly wasn't into me -like this guy is not into you in the way you wish he would be.

Also falling in love is not enough for a solid relationship even if he did fall for  you - he is married, he still will have that nasty habit of commenting on other women most likely and even if he -poof! -had loving feelings for  you it wouldn't mean he'd want to commit to you.  He's not likely to choose the woman who was available for NSA sex on a whim and kept coming back for more even when he made those tacky, disrespectful comments.  

But your choice now is so much safer -living like this pining away and hoping and searching up photos of your past or present competition -is much safer than actually being in a potential relationship or actual relationship where you don't have the thrill of the chase and you have daily life and daily ebbs/flows/ups downs -you were married, I'm sure you know what I mean.  

I would say the only rule in your sexual arrangement is of course no one should pressure the other to have sex. Or lie if you contracted an STD -lie by omission I mean.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

Yeah, that's what I figured. I think he would assume I'd want something more by asking him to attend this concert with me. Which we all know I do, but I definitely don't want him to think that.

I did tell him that the next time I see him or speak to him, that I think it's a good idea that we establish boundaries/ground rules for this, as it would make it a successful one. I will definitely bring up to see if he'd be OK if we went for coffee or drinks here and there. I'm sure he wouldn't want that, but I'm going to throw it out there.

I feel for you, I do, but you're twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate a man who's made it clear he wants you to bend over backwards for him. You deserve gifts and adventures. I cannot imagine being physically intimate with someone that I care about or have feelings for and not having them care about me.

You're so desperate to make this situation work you're depriving yourself of what you deserve. Being worried about making *him* feel awkward is so mind-boggling.

Maybe he deserves all the respect you can afford him for making it clear he won't ever compliment you because he's getting the cow for free.  I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering you must feel still not knowing that he wants you enough to be with you intimately in addition to being alongside you through the concerts and adventures.  

Honestly, again, I feel it better that you go without him, burn the passport and flip the bird to the guy and set yourself free to share your adventures with someone who deserves to be there.

But --- you have to WANT IT ENOUGH TO DO IT.

Right now you are clinging like crazy to a dream that you still hope will come true.  And as long as you are dreaming and clinging you won't be taking any real action steps that might actually lead to a different outcome.  It is this MOTIVATION and WILLINGNESS to act that you need to tap into in order to dispel this dream and move on.

Do you see where that will come from? CLARITY ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND WHY YOU WANT AND ARE DESERVING OF IT. And YES, there are not yet guarantees you will get it, but only by letting go can you free up the energy and creativity to find it!

[rainbowsandroses]

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's not likely to choose the woman who was available for NSA sex on a whim and kept coming back for more even when he made those tacky, disrespectful comments.  

Since you asked @graphic, this^ is one way you show him you don't value or respect yourself.  By being so accepting of such disrespectful behavior and basically scraps.  And begging for more which again is how HE interprets your behavior, your invites and why he keeps rejecting. It doesn't inspire him to want to accept your invites or give more.  You don't require it, your standards are that low in his eyes (I'm sorry).

1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

He has told me point blank, that he thinks it's refreshing that I feel the same way as he does and that it's "awesome" that I've done this before in the past without getting feelings for that person. 

Of course he's going to say this^, what else would you expect him to say?  That your behavior will never inspire feelings in him and that he views you as someone to f*** whenever the urge strikes him?  He likes that he's able to contact you on a whim and you're always available, willing and able like a puppy to please him, and of course have sex with him.

Why would he want to give that up? He's already proven he has little to no integrity as evidenced by him cheating on his wife so why would he begin behaving with integrity now by telling you the truth?

The lens you are viewing this entire situation with is so distorted.  I can't even say you're in denial because I think you are quite aware you are behaving foolishly and not in your own best interests but you simply don't care.  Which is your choice of course, again your heart and your life.

I still haven't quite figured out why you don't care, but that might be something you may want to consider exploring with a therapist.  Again your choice

Enjoy.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's any sort of accomplishment or positive to have sex, have fun, and not develop feelings.  It just -- is - and it's really odd to me that that would be described as "awesome" or "refreshing"