Coffee with coworker

[kim42]

Update

 

We went for coffee at work again today. I sent an email in the morning to several teams, his team included. He sent me a message afterwards and asked if I was at the office today. It turns out we were both there so he suggested going for coffee. 

 

He came to my desk and then we went to the 'coffee room'. We talked a little longer than last time, we both laughed, he teased me a little and it was really easy to talk to him. He said his team is going for drinks after work next Thursday, and he said I should join them. I also noticed he touched my arm while he was talking to me. He also told me that because he's training several new hires, he'll be at the office more often now and we should get coffee or lunch again soon.

 

So I think I'll go for drinks with his team next week, I enjoy his company and I think we get along well. I could feel a little tension between us today. I'm still nervous about the group thing because I don't know people in his team so I hope they'll be nice.

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, kim42 said:

, we both laughed, he teased me a little and it was really easy to talk to him. He said his team is going for drinks after work next Thursday, and he said I should join them. I also noticed he touched my arm while he was talking to me. He also told me that because he's training several new hires, he'll be at the office more often now and we should get coffee or lunch again soon.

Great update. It's good you were patient and accepted the drinks and coffee invitations. Enjoy your coffee breaks and drinks with the colleagues.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I'm still nervous about the group thing because I don't know people in his team so I hope they'll be nice.

Everyone you know was a stranger at some point. Then as you got to know them they became acquaintances or even friends. 

Have fun!

[catfeeder]

Yay, Kim! Thanks for the update, and glad to hear that you're both enjoying one another.

[kim42]

Update

We exchanged some messages yesterday and talked about going for a coffee break, but we ended up being too busy so that didn't happen. He didn't mention the drinks thing with his team so I didn't ask either.

This morning I ran into him at the office and we talked for a while. I didn't have a lot of time because I had a meeting in the morning. He said he was too busy yesterday to get coffee but invited me to join his team for after work drinks this evening (he told me details about the place and time).

He was very nice and we laughed together but I have this feeling that he only invited me again because he saw me this morning. Like he didn't mention it yesterday when we chatted, so I think it wouldn't have probably happened if he hadn't seen me in person.

To be clear, he's mentioned going out for drinks several times, and last week he told me they were planning to go out next Thursday (today) but didn't give me more details.

I know I have a tendency to overthink so I maybe I'm looking too much into it. I just feel a little weird that he didn't follow up on that after last week, and only mentioned it this morning. At the same time, I think he probably wouldn't invite me if he didn't want me to go.

What do you guys think? Am I overthinking it?

[Batya33]

Yes I think you are overthinking- given the work context I think he's interested in getting to know you better -because of the work context the way he communicates about activities out of work is going to be different than if you knew each other in a different way.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

.To be clear, he's mentioned going out for drinks several times, and last week he told me they were planning to go out next Thursday (today) but didn't give me more details.I think he probably wouldn't invite me if he didn't want me to go.

Go and enjoy yourself without overanalyzing. Obviously he invited you so wants you to be there. 

[kim42]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I think you are overthinking- given the work context I think he's interested in getting to know you better -because of the work context the way he communicates about activities out of work is going to be different than if you knew each other in a different way.  

Thanks Batya, I know I tend to overthink a lot.

I like him and would like to get to know him better. To be honest, he's very good looking and I think he might be out my league, I think that's also why I overthink this. As silly as it sounds, a part of me has a hard time thinking he could be interested in getting to know me.

I'm a little nervous about this evening but I try to see it as a good opportunity to get to know more people in the company, and not just to focus on him.

[DarkCh0c0]

@kim42 Great idea. Keep us posted 🩷

[boltnrun]

You could end up having a great time regardless of whether you end up dating this coworker. You could meet some really cool and friendly people. 

[yogacat]

Personally, I don't think you're overthinking it. It's natural to feel a bit confused and unsure about the dynamics of this situation and whether or not he genuinely wants you to come for drinks with his team.

However, at the end of the day, it sounds like he does genuinely want you to come and he took the time to invite you again in person, so I don't think it's a case of him only inviting you because he saw you this morning.

He is moving at a snails pace and while I don't think you should close yourself off to the possibility of something happening with this guy, I would also advise you to keep your options open and not wait around for him. If he wants to take things further, he will make it clear and take the initiative.

In the meantime, go for drinks with his team and enjoy yourself, but don't put all your focus and energy on this one coworker. You never know, you might end up making some new friends and connections within the company.

[Jaunty]

As far as "overthinking,"  the only place where I think this could be a problem as things stand right now is your concern about whether he "ONLY" asked you because you two happened to run into each other.

This is where it becomes a bit of self sabotoge because 1) you don't really know him and have no grounds for analyzing his motivations and mostly 2) it doesn't really matter.  

He did invite you and clearly would like it if you were there.  

The rest - whether something further is in the cards,  whether it's dating, friendship, or whatever, remains to unfold.  

Have fun!  

[kim42]

57 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Personally, I don't think you're overthinking it. It's natural to feel a bit confused and unsure about the dynamics of this situation and whether or not he genuinely wants you to come for drinks with his team.

However, at the end of the day, it sounds like he does genuinely want you to come and he took the time to invite you again in person, so I don't think it's a case of him only inviting you because he saw you this morning.

He is moving at a snails pace and while I don't think you should close yourself off to the possibility of something happening with this guy, I would also advise you to keep your options open and not wait around for him. If he wants to take things further, he will make it clear and take the initiative.

In the meantime, go for drinks with his team and enjoy yourself, but don't put all your focus and energy on this one coworker. You never know, you might end up making some new friends and connections within the company.

Yes, I admit I thought he would send me a message this week to confirm the drinks plans, so when he didn't mention it yesterday, I thought he had maybe changed his mind about inviting me.

 

Yes, it's moving very slowly, maybe it's normal since we work together, and we don't really know each other.

 

I'm keeping my options open for sure. Thanks for your comment and I'll keep you guys posted!

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, it's moving very slowly,

Maybe he isn't even trying to make something move... which is the reason why you think its moving slow. It's possible that he doesn't see you as a romantic prospect (yet), maybe you are just another coworker to him. I would remain friendly with very low expectations. And who knows, maybe someday he will see you as something more. But based on what you told us, I would assume he isn't trying anything for now. 

Enjoy your evening, and keep your eyes open 😁

[Batya33]

I totally get the league thing - I had a similar situation with a really handsome coworker in the late 90s and he also invited me to things like that.  I never told him what a mad crush I had on him and I was glad - he ended up dating a coworker who was much prettier than me and I believe they were briefly engaged then broke up.  Based on some things he said and did I strongly believe there were times he considered asking me out but he was never that into me.  We became close friends for over 20 years- we faded out in the middle of the pandemic -no falling out though.  I planned his wife's bachelorette (they met after he broke up with the coworker) and I seriously dated his older brother 5 years after my coworker and I met. 

I did go to one group event - a party at his house - while we still worked together (I left the company maybe 2 years into our friendship) and his girlfriend was there except I didn't know they were dating - and it was very very hard for me to have this crush.  However- I met a friend of his who I am still friendly with (a woman) and we had a good long friendship so all told it was worth it.

[boltnrun]

As far as "leagues", we never know what the other person finds attractive. When I was just a youngster (17-18) I had a mad crush on one of my managers at work. He was tall, blond, had a great personality and was super good looking. ALL the girls had a crush on him. He was super friendly and engaging with all of them but with me he was borderline mean. He teased me about being skinny (I was 5'2" and weighed about 100 pounds) and he would make me do things like move a beer keg from one side of the stand to the other and laugh at me trying to lift it. I would go home and cry because I thought he hated me. But on my last day there he walked me to my car and hugged me and said he'd been wanting to date me all summer but hadn't had the nerve to ask me out! ME!!! I wasn't particularly pretty and as mentioned I had a very boyish figure but he liked me. Go figure. And apparently he'd teased me to get my attention. Who knew. 

So you never know...the man who seems to be able to have his pick of anyone he wants might want you! And who's to say YOU aren't all that?

Anyway, it's a great opportunity to meet people no matter what. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As far as "leagues", we never know what the other person finds attractive.

Yes and for me especially given the risks at work - having to see a crush around the office if he'd known how I felt - I took leagues into account in certain ways. I knew which sort of women this man went for (objectively much prettier than me including the woman he was engaged to from our office) and ironically his wife looks nothing like any of them so yes you never know!

[DarkCh0c0]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

As far as "leagues", we never know what the other person finds attractive.

Absolutely! 

Some men are handsome, fit, successful and yet they have non-supermodel wives who are sweet and caring. It really depends on personal values and taste.

[boltnrun]

My cousin is one of the most handsome men I've ever seen. He's also intelligent, successful in his career and he's even nice! And his wife, while certainly not UNattractive, is... overweight and really, kind of plain looking. But she's a riot. She makes him laugh, she's smart and he adores her. He did marry the typically beautiful woman the first time and she cheated on him! I think he is now more attracted to character and personality than just looks. 

[kim42]

Ok guys, so I went for the drinks but it was a little weird.

So earlier today, he told me an approximate time when they were planning to leave the office to go out and I told him to let me know when they leave (we don't sit on the same floor). When it was 30 minutes past that time and I didn't hear from him, I decided just to leave the office and go home. I was thinking about sending him a message to ask if they were about to leave but I already felt a little weird that he only invited me this morning, so I decided to let it go and just go home.

 

So I'm on my way to take the train, maybe 5 minutes from the office, I pass this bar and suddenly I hear someone shouting my name and waving at me - it was him!  He apologized several times for not sending me a message, he said his coworkers were  rushing him to leave the office so he forgot. He asked me to join them, and although I was kind of annoyed at this point, I felt it would be rude to leave so I decided to stay for one drink.

 

I got to know some of his coworkers and we talked a little but I felt a little left out because they all know each other and they were talking about things that I'm not familiar with. He introduced me to everyone and we talked for a while but he didn't talk to me as much as I thought he would, considering I didn't know anyone else.

 

So because I didn't feel very comfortable, I didn't stay very long. He looked a little surprised that I didn't stay longer. He gave me a kiss on the cheek as I was leaving - it's pretty common to do it here where I live but I was still surprised he did it, since we don't know each other that well. He also touched my arm a few times while he was talking to me.

 

Next week we're having a company party, it will be at this venue that looks like a night club. He's asked me twice today if I'm going there, I said yes, and he said it should be a great party and I should go for sure. And as I was leaving, he told me that he'll see me next week at the party.

 

I admit that I'm still annoyed that he didn't let me know that they were leaving for drinks today, I mean he just forgot about me. I don't think he's interested in me in a serious way, maybe he enjoys the flirting. I had a feeling today he was more interested in touching me than talking to me.

 

I don't understand why he asked me about going to that party several times - he didn't ask anyone else, just me - when he could barely make plans for today. I just don't like how flaky he is.

 

What do you guys think about  this situation? 

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I admit that I'm still annoyed that he didn't let me know that they were leaving for drinks today, I mean he just forgot about me. I don't think he's interested in me in a serious way

This is my impression, too. 

Someone who is interested in you (in a non-platonic way) doesn't completely forget to follow through on an invitation. If you hadn't walked by, I am not sure you would have heard from him at all.

I think he sees you a work buddy but not really anything more. 

[kim42]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is my impression, too. 

Someone who is interested in you (in a non-platonic way) doesn't completely forget to follow through on an invitation. If you hadn't walked by, I am not sure you would have heard from him at all.

I think he sees you a work buddy but not really anything more. 

That's what I think too, like you just don't forget about someone like that.

Until today, I thought he could maybe be interested because he kept suggesting going for coffee and so, but we're probably not on the same page.

[Andrina]

Ah, well, knowledge is power. Now you know further social stuff with him and his team won't be fun for you. He treated you like an afterthought, so now he deserves to go back to just someone you can be pleasant to in passing. If it were me, I wouldn't even let someone like that have the privilege of kissing me on the cheek nor touching my arm. I have only certain people at work whereas we occasionally hug in certain situations and nobody I'd feel uncomfortable with has ever done this. I think it takes emotional intelligence to know when this is okay and when it's not. I think he's been out of line to do this with you, since as you said, you two barely know one another.

In any case, I hope your company's party ends up being more fun than the bar encounter.

[rainbowsandroses]

55 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If it were me, I wouldn't even let someone like that have the privilege of kissing me on the cheek nor touching my arm.   I have only certain people at work whereas we occasionally hug in certain situations and nobody I'd feel uncomfortable with has ever done this. 

Again agree^ and taking it further, if it were me, when he waved as you passed by, I would have waved back but continued walking home.  Under the circumstances, I don't think that would have been rude at all.  What HE did, inviting you and then "forgetting" to follow through was RUDE.  

Even as a co-worker or platonic friend (without all the subtle flirting etc), it's rude.  My co-workers and friends don't treat me that way, as @Andrina said, like an afterthought. 

IF even that.  I hate to say this because it's hurtful but he completely blew you off, and had you not walked by on your way home, you joining him and his team would never had happened at all.

I thought at first he might feel nervous or awkward around you or perhaps he couldn't get a good read on you, but now after your update, I am getting playerish vibes from this guy...

In any event, now you know he's not for you and you can move your thoughts someplace else.

Just my take and I'm sorry it didn't work out as you had hoped Kim.

 

[kim42]

54 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again agree^ and taking it further, if it were me, when he waved as you passed by, I would have waved back but continued walking home.  Under the circumstances, I don't think that would have been rude at all.  What HE did, inviting you and then "forgetting" to follow through was RUDE.  

Even as a co-worker or platonic friend (without all the subtle flirting etc), it's rude.  My co-workers and friends don't treat me that way, as @Andrina said, like an afterthought. 

IF even that.  I hate to say this because it's hurtful but he completely blew you off, and had you not walked by on your way home, you joining him and his team would never had happened at all.

I thought at first he might feel nervous or awkward around you or perhaps he couldn't get a good read on you, but now after your update, I am getting playerish vibes from this guy...

In any event, now you know he's not for you and you can move your thoughts someplace else.

Just my take and I'm sorry it didn't work out as you had hoped Kim.

 

I agree, it was rude, and I think you might be right about the player thing.