Coffee with coworker

[yogacat]

Kim, I know you really like this guy, but honestly, it sounds like he is enjoying flirting with you. 

If he had more romantic inclination towards you I would expect to see him pair off with you or ask to go somewhere to talk which to me would indicate a bit more. Even going together to chat would have non-verbally confirmed to you that he was interested in more than an 'on again off again' ping pong game.

But I know it's easier said than done, so just do what feels right for you. I think most have us have suggested to keep open to meeting new people and don't put too much focus on this one guy.  

[LootieTootie]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I agree, it was rude, and I think you might be right about the player thing.

Yea if he's a looker - possibly a flirt-player type of guy.  Boo that he treated you as a afterthought, but now you know. Did you find any of his co-workers fun or easy to connect with?

[boltnrun]

What is giving you "player" vibes? Did you observe him flirting with several other coworkers?

I do understand you're disappointed but I don't know if it's necessary to villainize him. Especially since you're coworkers. 

[itsallgrand]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

Yea if he's a looker - possibly a flirt-player type of guy.  Boo that he treated you as a afterthought, but now you know. Did you find any of his co-workers fun or easy to connect with?

I think we are thinking similarly Lootie!

This man is a connector type personality. Might be a good way to have opportunities to meet others you might not otherwise get much of a chance to.

I'm sorry for his rudeness but there might be a bigger opportunity here. 

 

[kim42]

2 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I think we are thinking similarly Lootie!

This man is a connector type personality. Might be a good way to have opportunities to meet others you might not otherwise get much of a chance to.

I'm sorry for his rudeness but there might be a bigger opportunity here. 

 

Definitely, that's why I decided to stay for one drink yesterday, even though I was annoyed, but I thought it could be a good opportunity to connect with others.

@LootieTootie his coworkers were all nice, but they were mostly talking about work things related to their team.

[Kwothe28]

11 hours ago, kim42 said:

What do you guys think about  this situation? 

Are “company party hookups” a thing where you work? You know, where two coworkers hookup at the company party without obligations for more? Because this seems like he wants to hookup with you there.

[kim42]

9 hours ago, yogacat said:

Kim, I know you really like this guy, but honestly, it sounds like he is enjoying flirting with you. 

If he had more romantic inclination towards you I would expect to see him pair off with you or ask to go somewhere to talk which to me would indicate a bit more. Even going together to chat would have non-verbally confirmed to you that he was interested in more than an 'on again off again' ping pong game.

But I know it's easier said than done, so just do what feels right for you. I think most have us have suggested to keep open to meeting new people and don't put too much focus on this one guy.  

Thank you, yes, it seems he likes the flirting and that's it. To be clear, I didn't expect him to be overly flirty with me yesterday because there were other people but I was just annoyed about him forgetting.

At least I know now and I can move my attention somewhere else.

 

[kim42]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What is giving you "player" vibes? Did you observe him flirting with several other coworkers?

I do understand you're disappointed but I don't know if it's necessary to villainize him. Especially since you're coworkers. 

I don't think he was flirting with anyone else, it's more his overall behavior towards me that gives me the impression - the inconsistency and the fact he doesn't shy away from physical touch. I didn't see him touching other people so I don't think he's just a touchy person, but I could be wrong of course.

 

 

 

 

 

[kim42]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are “company party hookups” a thing where you work? You know, where two coworkers hookup at the company party without obligations for more? Because this seems like he wants to hookup with you there.

I'm still fairly new in the company and I've only been to one party so far but from I've heard (from several people) it's pretty common that some people get drunk at these parties and make out with someone, and probably also hook up.

I mean it could be his intention, he's already initiated physical contact several times.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I mean it could be his intention, he's already initiated physical contact several times.

Not only that but he asked about the party twice. So he maybe plans to try something there. He created some form of contact so now he maybe tries to hookup there when you get tipsy. Because he seems weirdly invested in you being there. 

[Batya33]

I'm a connector- have been for over 40 years - I love it.  And it can be time consuming to follow up with everyone if you're planning something -but it's sooo much easier now with technology to confirm/get in touch/make sure everyone knows. Especially -if it's a new person meeting others at work!  I made a friend at work when I used to be in office more and she and I would meet every two months for lunch -one time she invited me with her coworkers- different division/different work -to her bday lunch maybe it was - and although I'm good in groups she was very careful to introduce me to everyone and start the conversation.  I do the same -that's how it should be -especially at work.  

I know I know preaching to choir.  If he truly invited you and knew you didn't know the details he needed to confirm.  But I totally agree that it's great you stayed to see who else you could meet. I don't think he has to be labeled some sort of player -he's just garden variety rude in this situation and a bit full of himself in his lame excuse.

[Sindy_0311]

We don’t know whether he asked others if they will attend the party. You only spent a little time with them, he could perfectly have asked other girls at work at another time. I don’t know whether he is a player. I wouldn’t make that assumption. But he reminds me of someone. 

See a friend of mine has a massive crush on our coach. He is the owner of the gym we both attend. When I met her, she would tell me how this guy helped her a lot when she arrived to town, looking for a place to stay, talking a lot with her, even invite her for coffee someday. And she started to develop feeling for him. One day they organized a party for the 10th birthday of the gym. The members were all part of it and she also went. She told me how she felt disappointed he didn’t come to speak to her and how distant he was towards her. She felt very disappointed. She could not understand the shift. 
But for what I have observed, this guy does the same with everyone, me included. He would come to you, ask how you are doing, if you need anything, offer help and overdoing it and after a few minutes of speaking to you, he closes the convo and completely shifts to another person, doing the exact same. He wants people to feel seen, recognized maybe so that they stay in the membership, just his business... But she at the time thought that they had something special. (the difference in this case is he is a coach and isn’t allowed to touch his members)

According to your coworker, my feeling is that he is popular, likes attention and wants many people to like him, that's his business. He might be is a narcissist, maybe a player… who knows, but the thing is, he is too busy dealing with so much people to send you a text to confirm. I know of many individuals like him and I absolutely avoid them, not my cup of tea… 

Now according to the drink, since you decided to join, I think you should have stayed a bit longer. Coworkers do speak about work related stuff, that’s common, but after one hour or two, they usually flushed out all they had to say and get into more personal conversations. That’s when it usually becomes more interesting. No big deal though, you weren't in a good mindset anyway… 

[Sindy_0311]

12 hours ago, yogacat said:

it sounds like he is enjoying flirting with you. 

Agree, also have to say that some guys you will meet in your life will only be here to flirt with you, nothing more… 

I understood that when I had a crush on my coworker two years ago. he was obviously flirting with me, other coworkers even noticed it. I then decided to invite him for a drink, he declined (twice), but didn’t stop flirting after that... and now it make me smile whenever I see him, it’s more like a little game between us… I understood that it’s the only thing we will ever have… the flirting. And it’s all ok. 

Not every man who flirts with you wants to sleep or date you. They can do it for various purposes (one off them being they like women’s attention in general, not just yours...) 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I'm still fairly new in the company and I've only been to one party so far but from I've heard (from several people) it's pretty common that some people get drunk at these parties and make out with someone, and probably also hook up.

I mean it could be his intention, he's already initiated physical contact several times.

Sorry this happened at the get together Please don't worry about this. On the one hand you have a crush and on the other you're starting to catastrophize that he's a lecherous creep because he touched your arm.  He's not interested in dating you but seems to be quite friendly but doesn't owe you BF like behavior such as reminding you to meet up when he's already invited you. 

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened at the get together Please don't worry about this. On the one hand you have a crush and on the other you're starting to catastrophize that he's a lecherous creep because he touched your arm.  He's not interested in dating you but seems to be quite friendly but doesn't owe you BF like behavior such as reminding you to meet up when he's already invited you. 

I never said he's s creepy, maybe you have misunderstood this. It seems he looks for excuses to touch me, that's why I think that @Kwothe28 might be right that maybe he wants something casual. I never said I don't like him touching me, I like him after all, I was simply annoyed yesterday that he didn't confirm the details.

He only told me an approximate time and I had no way of knowing when exactly they were leaving because we don't sit on the same floor. I don't think this is BF behavior, I think it's simply polite to follow through once you invite someone to hang out or something.

 

[boltnrun]

I agree it was rude of him to not follow through and let you know the pertinent info. But I don't know that it makes him a "player", even if he touched your arm. If you decide to view him so negatively and assign motivations to him with little to no evidence (he's trying to 'hook up' with me!) your interactions with him at work will be exceedingly uncomfortable. 

[yogacat]

4 hours ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, yes, it seems he likes the flirting and that's it. To be clear, I didn't expect him to be overly flirty with me yesterday because there were other people but I was just annoyed about him forgetting.

At least I know now and I can move my attention somewhere else.

 

Light flirting. That's what it felt like to you so that's what it was. Not knowing his character, I think either you were reading him right or upset.

The fact that he didn't message you before you left is not a big deal. What if he did get held up and you did not get the message. 

It doesn't have to lead anywhere at all. I guess it would be different when someone is persisting and asking more personal questions etc.

But in this situation, it just seems like he was being friendly and flirty in a harmless way. Maybe he's interested in you, maybe not. But from what you described, I don't think it's anything serious or worth pursuing.  

Given you like him and are a bit unsure I would also say not to put yourself in the position where you are waiting for him to make plans or reach out to you. In fact, I might start limiting my contact with him because if you keep it going, then I just think you might keep getting your hopes up or keep being confused as to the situation.

I would just go to the party and have a good time, but don't put too much emphasis on him being there or trying to spend time with him. You're going to have to be proactive about doing your own thing.

[kim42]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

We don’t know whether he asked others if they will attend the party. You only spent a little time with them, he could perfectly have asked other girls at work at another time. I don’t know whether he is a player. I wouldn’t make that assumption. But he reminds me of someone. 

See a friend of mine has a massive crush on our coach. He is the owner of the gym we both attend. When I met her, she would tell me how this guy helped her a lot when she arrived to town, looking for a place to stay, talking a lot with her, even invite her for coffee someday. And she started to develop feeling for him. One day they organized a party for the 10th birthday of the gym. The members were all part of it and she also went. She told me how she felt disappointed he didn’t come to speak to her and how distant he was towards her. She felt very disappointed. She could not understand the shift. 
But for what I have observed, this guy does the same with everyone, me included. He would come to you, ask how you are doing, if you need anything, offer help and overdoing it and after a few minutes of speaking to you, he closes the convo and completely shifts to another person, doing the exact same. He wants people to feel seen, recognized maybe so that they stay in the membership, just his business... But she at the time thought that they had something special. (the difference in this case is he is a coach and isn’t allowed to touch his members)

According to your coworker, my feeling is that he is popular, likes attention and wants many people to like him, that's his business. He might be is a narcissist, maybe a player… who knows, but the thing is, he is too busy dealing with so much people to send you a text to confirm. I know of many individuals like him and I absolutely avoid them, not my cup of tea… 

Now according to the drink, since you decided to join, I think you should have stayed a bit longer. Coworkers do speak about work related stuff, that’s common, but after one hour or two, they usually flushed out all they had to say and get into more personal conversations. That’s when it usually becomes more interesting. No big deal though, you weren't in a good mindset anyway… 

I'm sure he's asked other coworkers about it too, what I meant it is that yesterday the party wasn't a group topic, he didn't ask anyone else or even tell that someone from the group will be going too (while I was there). He only asked me and kept talking about it, I don't know, it didn't seem just like a casual question to me.

But I'll definitely go there with zero expectations, I mean I'll be going with my team after all.

He's definitely an extrovert, I don't think he's exceptionally popular though, I mean he's not cocky or anything.

And yesterday I stayed for about an hour, I think that was okay, but you're right I wasn't in the right mindset.

 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Agree, also have to say that some guys you will meet in your life will only be here to flirt with you, nothing more… 

I understood that when I had a crush on my coworker two years ago. he was obviously flirting with me, other coworkers even noticed it. I then decided to invite him for a drink, he declined (twice), but didn’t stop flirting after that... and now it make me smile whenever I see him, it’s more like a little game between us… I understood that it’s the only thing we will ever have… the flirting. And it’s all ok. 

Not every man who flirts with you wants to sleep or date you. They can do it for various purposes (one off them being they like women’s attention in general, not just yours...) 

Absolutely, I know that some guys only flirt for the thrill or to get an ego boost.

 

[kim42]

59 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I agree it was rude of him to not follow through and let you know the pertinent info. But I don't know that it makes him a "player", even if he touched your arm. If you decide to view him so negatively and assign motivations to him with little to no evidence (he's trying to 'hook up' with me!) your interactions with him at work will be exceedingly uncomfortable. 

I don't think I view him that negatively, I know this is all just speculation and only he knows what his intentions are. I was just annoyed that he forgot to follow through, it's something I really don't like if someone doesn't confirm plans but I'm not saying that I don't want to talk to him anymore. We're coworkers so at work I'll definitely stay professional.

[kim42]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Light flirting. That's what it felt like to you so that's what it was. Not knowing his character, I think either you were reading him right or upset.

The fact that he didn't message you before you left is not a big deal. What if he did get held up and you did not get the message. 

It doesn't have to lead anywhere at all. I guess it would be different when someone is persisting and asking more personal questions etc.

But in this situation, it just seems like he was being friendly and flirty in a harmless way. Maybe he's interested in you, maybe not. But from what you described, I don't think it's anything serious or worth pursuing.  

Given you like him and are a bit unsure I would also say not to put yourself in the position where you are waiting for him to make plans or reach out to you. In fact, I might start limiting my contact with him because if you keep it going, then I just think you might keep getting your hopes up or keep being confused as to the situation.

I would just go to the party and have a good time, but don't put too much emphasis on him being there or trying to spend time with him. You're going to have to be proactive about doing your own thing.

Thank you, I'm not planning to make the party all about him for sure. I'll go there with my team. Limiting contact might be a good idea too, I don't think I'll suggest coffee or anything anytime soon.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, kim42 said:

). When it was 30 minutes past that time and I didn't hear from him, I decided just to leave the office and go home. I was thinking about sending him a message to ask if they were about to leave but I already felt a little weird that he only invited me this morning, so I decided to let it go and just go home.

It would have been fine for you to message quickly about confirming the time. Please keep in mind he invited you and had a lot of other people to attend to.

Perhaps the social anxiety is getting to you? You were ambivalent about going because you didn't know anyone on his team. So running out of the office seems like a solution. 

It seems like he's being nice and doesn't deserve the "flirt" "player" and "just wants to get drunk and hookup" labels.  It's unfortunate you have a crush, but he's just being nice. It's also unfortunate you see him in such a bad light. 

[kim42]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would have been fine for you to message quickly about confirming the time. Please keep in mind he invited you and had a lot of other people to attend to.

Perhaps the social anxiety is getting to you? You were ambivalent about going because you didn't know anyone on his team. So running out of the office seems like a solution. 

It seems like he's being nice and doesn't deserve the "flirt" "player" and "just wants to get drunk and hookup" labels.  It's unfortunate you have a crush, but he's just being nice. It's also unfortunate you see him in such a bad light. 

It's true that I could have sent him a message to ask if they were planning to leave shortly, I thought about doing it but because I already felt a little strange about his 'last minute invitation', I simply didn't feel comfortable doing it.

Then again, I still think he should have confirmed the plans with me - he said he would -  especially since I didn't know anyone else from his team.

I was ready to go, so no, I didn't use it as an excuse not to go.

To be clear, I wasn't disappointed that he didn't flirt more yesterday or something - it's ok if he's not interested, it happens. As I said, I didn't expect anything to happen.

As for the labels, I didn't come up with all of them, we're just discussing his behavior here and some people got 'playerish' and hook up vibes from what I've described.

[LootieTootie]

6 hours ago, kim42 said:

As for the labels, I didn't come up with all of them, we're just discussing his behavior here and some people got 'playerish' and hook up vibes from what I've described.

I get the vibe that he is a flirt-player but thats based on what I am reading about him. It's fine if others have a different read. 

I totally understand how you're feeling Kim. If someone said they would confirm with you, you shouldn't have to confirm with him. Especially if someone is in to you, they would never treat you as an after thought.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

I get the vibe that he is a flirt-player but thats based on what I am reading about him. It's fine if others have a different read. 

I totally understand how you're feeling Kim. If someone said they would confirm with you, you shouldn't have to confirm with him. Especially if someone is in to you, they would never treat you as an after thought.

I agree^ and even if he wasn't into her in a romantic way, he still should have followed up.  I mean he invited her to join, he did not know the exact time and Kim asked him to let her know when they were leaving.  Which was a reasonable request.  

He didn't, he completely blew her off.  That's rude.  And the bit about his co-workers rushing him is a load of *.  He could have texted when they left or when he got there. 

I don't get "hook up" vibe, I don't sense he's attracted to you in any sort of romantic way Kim for him to want a hook up.

I do however get "playerish" vibe, which is not the same as actually being a player, it's just his vibe, his energy from everything you have written from the beginning of your interactions until the present.

He's a bit too smooth, confident to the point of being c0cky and definitely too "touchy."  Not the just the arm touching which that alone would rub ME the wrong way from a co-worker but the kiss on the cheek, the hug at the end.  From a co-worker you barely know?  ICK.

And the way he suggests getting coffee, drinks with co-workers but then NEVER follows up.  Not once has this man followed up.  It's always when you "run into each other" again when he will make yet another suggestion but then never follows up.  

I don't know what the laws are in your country Kim, but in the U.S., any sort of unwanted touching by a co-worker could be considered sexual harassment even when it's off hours.  It was a co-worker get together so it applies.

I can't say what others' definition of a "nice guy" is but imo there is nothing "nice" about him, and if me I would limit my interaction with him going forward as strictly professional.

JMO.