Coffee with coworker

[Sindy_0311]

OR, he actually took the hint with the wine bar text, but his interest is not reciprocal. Since some men have a hard time rejecting women, so he still tries to be kind while being intentionally distant so that you don’t misread his behavior…

According to the party to come, I suggest you try negative visualisation. (Search google) It’s a method that helps me a lot. Whenever I have to attend an event or a work meeting that makes me anxious, I imagine the worst case scenario or the dangers of the situation so that I’m prepared to face them with a stronger mindset… it helped me a lot through the years… 

[kim42]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

OR, he actually took the hint with the wine bar text, but his interest is not reciprocal. Since some men have a hard time rejecting women, so he still tries to be kind while being intentionally distant so that you don’t misread his behavior…

According to the party to come, I suggest you try negative visualisation. (Search google) It’s a method that helps me a lot. Whenever I have to attend an event or a work meeting that makes me anxious, I imagine the worst case scenario or the dangers of the situation so that I’m prepared to face them with a stronger mindset… it helped me a lot through the years… 

I don't understand the first part of your comment, Sindy. I think if he wouldn't want me to join his team for drinks, he wouldn't have invited me in the first place - that just doesn't make sense to me. It wasn't a date or anything, it was a group thing so there was no 'rejection' involved.

When I passed the bar, I didn't know they were there and I didn't see them - it was he who saw me and called my name and asked me to join them.

Again, even if he's not interested, I think it's basic politeness to confirm plans in such situation.

[yogacat]

13 hours ago, kim42 said:

Again, even if he's not interested, I think it's basic politeness to confirm plans in such situation.

Kim, I just want to say, as to this comment, if that's how you feel then I think you should make that a deal breaker and stick with it. Like others wisely suggested, be cordial but start limiting your interaction. 

[Morello]

17 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't understand the first part of your comment, Sindy. I think if he wouldn't want me to join his team for drinks, he wouldn't have invited me in the first place - that just doesn't make sense to me. It wasn't a date or anything, it was a group thing so there was no 'rejection' involved.

When I passed the bar, I didn't know they were there and I didn't see them - it was he who saw me and called my name and asked me to join them.

Again, even if he's not interested, I think it's basic politeness to confirm plans in such situation.

While I agree that it was not the best of him to have forgotten/delayed to message you, I don't think this would be considered a big deal in the work social context. I don't think it's impolite or rude, especially given he had only found out what the plans were.

Sure, he said he'd message, but this is just a cordial thing to do, I'm not sure you can hold him against that. He's not your friend or your date, and you're not even part of the same work team. In my opinion, he had been cordial enough by inviting you to events and making you feel part of the team when he did not have to do so. Other than the touching (common in some cultures and some types of personality), there was no indication he was romantically interested in you unless I missed something.

If you were not interested in him romantically, you would not be thinking twice about this, obviously. It's disappointing for you, for sure, but maybe try not to get too hung up on it. The excessive touching was probably a red flag, but you seemed fine with it, again, because you have romantic interests. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't have tolerated it as much.

From my own experience, anything related to dating at the workplace is a no-go. Things get awkward very, very easily. It should be the last place you'd be looking for a romantic partner. Unless it's a clear match (from both sides), I'd shy away from anything like that - such as attending a social event from another work team just to see if he was interested in you romantically. Perhaps this should be the angle here, and not that he apparently does not correspond with your romantic interests for him. 

[kim42]

6 hours ago, Morello said:

While I agree that it was not the best of him to have forgotten/delayed to message you, I don't think this would be considered a big deal in the work social context. I don't think it's impolite or rude, especially given he had only found out what the plans were.

Sure, he said he'd message, but this is just a cordial thing to do, I'm not sure you can hold him against that. He's not your friend or your date, and you're not even part of the same work team. In my opinion, he had been cordial enough by inviting you to events and making you feel part of the team when he did not have to do so. Other than the touching (common in some cultures and some types of personality), there was no indication he was romantically interested in you unless I missed something.

If you were not interested in him romantically, you would not be thinking twice about this, obviously. It's disappointing for you, for sure, but maybe try not to get too hung up on it. The excessive touching was probably a red flag, but you seemed fine with it, again, because you have romantic interests. If you didn't, you probably wouldn't have tolerated it as much.

From my own experience, anything related to dating at the workplace is a no-go. Things get awkward very, very easily. It should be the last place you'd be looking for a romantic partner. Unless it's a clear match (from both sides), I'd shy away from anything like that - such as attending a social event from another work team just to see if he was interested in you romantically. Perhaps this should be the angle here, and not that he apparently does not correspond with your romantic interests for him. 

Thank you for your comment.

As I explained, I would be equally annoyed if this happened with someone I didn't like or a friend because I don't like flakiness in general.

Yes, it was kind of him to invite me to join his team but he should have confirmed the details as he said he would. I don't think it matters if it was in work context or not - I could have made other plans for that evening and I didn't because of his invite so I think it was a little disrespectful in that sense.

Also, I didn't see this as a 'date', I knew it would be a group thing so I didn't go there just to see if he's interested or not. I went for coffee only with him twice before so it's not like I expected anything to happen at this group thing. I also went there to get to know more people.

Either way, he apologized and I know how I feel about this so I'll focus my attention elsewhere.

[kim42]

Ok guys, little update. I went to the party, he was there too, went back to my place and hooked up. I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him. We agreed it's just casual and I'm okay with it.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Ok guys, little update. I went to the party, he was there too, went back to my place and hooked up. I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him. We agreed it's just casual and I'm okay with it.

Glad you enjoyed and had fun!

[rainbowsandroses]

27 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Ok guys, little update. I went to the party, he was there too, went back to my place and hooked up. I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him. We agreed it's just casual and I'm okay with it.

Oh my goodness that is quite an update!!! 😍

Thanks for sharing....  and just goes to show, things are never (or very rarely) what they appear to be; attraction can be so nuanced (as is life in general) and obviously he was/is very attracted to you too!

I'm glad you went for it, enjoy! 😂

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks for sharing....  and just goes to show, things are never (or very rarely) what they appear to be; attraction can be so nuanced (as is life in general) and obviously he was/is very attracted to you too!

of course things are always what they appear to be. He was interested just for a free hookup and Kim lowered her standards because she is attracted to him. 

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him.

@rainbowsandrosesI don’t share your enthousiasm and @kim42I hope you will be ok running into him at work and won’t get attached to him, sincerely… 

[Morello]

I share your concerns, Sindy. Hooking up casually with someone at work is one of the worst ideas... But I can understand that sometimes we just want what we want, especially after a few drinks. Been there, done that (and suffered the consequences).

 

[rainbowsandroses]

33 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

of course things are always what they appear to be

I don't agree with this^ Sindy.

Romance, life, relationships are never black and white, there are always shades of gray and I cannot even tell you how many times I have witnessed things ending up quite differently from how they originally appeared to be.

Not just witnessed but what I have experienced in my own life as well.....

We are not privy to their interactions and what went down between them that night, nor are we privy to how this man feels about her and why he acted with her as he had acted before the party.

It's quite possible that he couldn't get a good read on HER, which I personally can relate to as men have often felt the same about me.  And as such have held back and have felt uncertain and even insecure.

Again we just don't know, Kim did not share much, only that she was very attracted to him, which I am assuming was/is mutual.   

I mean who the hell knows?  They could end up falling in love for all we know.  It's been known to happen!!  

Or not but in any event, I am not going to dampen her spirit, she's happy and at least for right now, I am happy for her and hope it works out the way she hopes.

 JMO

[yogacat]

So it seemed like you were really bothered when he didn't message you and it made you feel disrespected. You were also annoyed that he didn't let you know he was going out for drinks and basically forgot about you.

It was a bit of a shift to go from feeling let down to asking him to come over to your place.

I thought maybe you were hoping for a proper date and if things did end up getting physical that night, great. I understand that you're attracted to him and sometimes things just happen in the heat of the moment. You have the right to have fun and be intimate with whomever you want.

Be careful not to risk any potential issues at work just for some casual fun.

Hope everything works out for you!

[Sindy_0311]

10 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

  They could end up falling in love for all we know.  It's been known to happen!!  

I guess you are talking about the exceptions to the rule. Me personally I wouldn’t take the risk to develop more attachment by casually sleeping with someone I’m already attracted to. It’s a slippery situation IMO and I’m not sure who brought up the “casual” word during the event… him? 

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I guess you are talking about the exceptions to the rule.

If I may ask, what rule?  IMO there are no "rules" when it comes to romance.  As I said things are never black and white and can 'change on a dime' (an American expression).

A relationship/situationship can start out casual and become more serious.  A relationship can begin serious but end up casual.

Two people can start out disliking each other but end up liking each other and falling in love.

So many things can happen, there are no "rules" about it imo.

Anyway, I truly do respect your opinion, I just don't share it, which is OKAY, different strokes and all that.

Hopefully Kim will return and provide more context so we can have a clearer picture of what went down between them and what led to their having sex that night....

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, kim42 said:

Ok guys, little update. I went to the party, he was there too, went back to my place and hooked up. I usually don't do this but I was so attracted to him. We agreed it's just casual and I'm okay with it.

Ha, told you guy wants an "office party hookup" lol. Otherwise he wouldnt do touches or trying to confirm you will come several times.

I would also share concerns. Especially since you like the guy and there is a real possibility you wont hear from him again. Unless he wants seconds.

[kim42]

8 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

of course things are always what they appear to be. He was interested just for a free hookup and Kim lowered her standards because she is attracted to him. 

@rainbowsandrosesI don’t share your enthousiasm and @kim42I hope you will be ok running into him at work and won’t get attached to him, sincerely… 

I don't see this as lowering my standards, I just decided to have some fun this time.

I think the party atmosphere and the fact that we both had a few drinks helped that we started to talk about it. He was touching me a lot during the party and then he said he only wants something casual. We both agreed it will stay between us and we won't tell anyone at work.

 

We left the party separately, I left first and then he came over to my apartment. The sex was good and I enjoyed it. 

 

Our company is very big, with many people, we don't sit on the same floor and we can also work from home so we should not run into each other too often. 

 

The only thing that worries me a little is that some of his team members noticed what was going between us at the party but then again, I don't see them at all so it should be okay.

 

I don't think I'll get attached, it was clearly a one night stand situation that had its purpose. He mentioned something along the lines that we could 'meet' like this again. 

 

I honestly don't care if it happens again or not, we had strong chemistry, it naturally escalated and it was a fun night.

[Sindy_0311]

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I mean who the hell knows?  They could end up falling in love for all we know.  It's been known to happen!!  

I think it’s not likely when the man displays player behavior and makes it clear from the start that it’s only casual. 

From your standpoint, it’s ok for a woman to accept a FWB relationship or a casual fling just because “maybe we will fall in love someday”…? I think this is a dangerous mindset. So many women get played because they overlook the real intentions of the man (Kim’s coworker made his intentions clear though)

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It's quite possible that he couldn't get a good read on HER,

I don’t think so… my opinion is he knew she likes him since the wine bar text… and he kinda “took advantage” of the situation. 

8 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

that she was very attracted to him, which I am assuming was/is mutual. 

She was interested in dating him, and he was interested in sleeping with her, so the level of attraction is not really mutual as intentions are not aligned… have you even heard of the concept that men label women: “the woman I want to have sex with” and “the woman I’m interested in dating”… the woman a man wants to have sex with usually never becomes the one he wants to date…

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am happy for her and hope it works out the way she hopes

IMO I would maybe have worked out if she had declined the hookup thing and stayed strong to her standards. 

Anyway Kim I’m glad you had fun, and hope you won’t feel any resentment. 

[rainbowsandroses]

45 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think it’s not likely when the man displays player behavior and makes it clear from the start that it’s only casual. 

From your standpoint, it’s ok for a woman to accept a FWB relationship or a casual fling just because “maybe we will fall in love someday”…? I think this is a dangerous mindset. So many women get played because they overlook the real intentions of the man (Kim’s coworker made his intentions clear though)

I don’t think so… my opinion is he knew she likes him since the wine bar text… and he kinda “took advantage” of the situation. 

She was interested in dating him, and he was interested in sleeping with her, so the level of attraction is not really mutual as intentions are not aligned… have you even heard of the concept that men label women: “the woman I want to have sex with” and “the woman I’m interested in dating”… the woman a man wants to have sex with usually never becomes the one he wants to date…

IMO I would maybe have worked out if she had declined the hookup thing and stayed strong to her standards. 

Anyway Kim I’m glad you had fun, and hope you won’t feel any resentment. 

Sindy, appreciate your comments but you've either misinterpreted my words or taken out of context based on your own personal opinion, moral code and frankly projection. 

My only point really is that life is never black and white, that things can change on a dime, I've seen it a zillion times.  Not that we should expect it.  Only that it does happen sometimes.  

And also that relationships, romance and love often involve taking a risk. 

YOU wouldn't have taken that risk and I respect that.

I am not sure if I would have either in that situation however the sense I got from reading Kim's update is that she was aware of the risk but went for it regardless. She had no expectations.

Which is OK, her life, her choice.  It's not for me to judge HER choices.  She wasn't asking for opinions anyway.  She simply provided an update. 

Reading her subsequent post, it sounds like she has her feet on the ground, has no illusions, had a great time and has NO regrets. 

Which is all that matters imo. 

[kim42]

27 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think it’s not likely when the man displays player behavior and makes it clear from the start that it’s only casual. 

From your standpoint, it’s ok for a woman to accept a FWB relationship or a casual fling just because “maybe we will fall in love someday”…? I think this is a dangerous mindset. So many women get played because they overlook the real intentions of the man (Kim’s coworker made his intentions clear though)

I don’t think so… my opinion is he knew she likes him since the wine bar text… and he kinda “took advantage” of the situation. 

She was interested in dating him, and he was interested in sleeping with her, so the level of attraction is not really mutual as intentions are not aligned… have you even heard of the concept that men label women: “the woman I want to have sex with” and “the woman I’m interested in dating”… the woman a man wants to have sex with usually never becomes the one he wants to date…

IMO I would maybe have worked out if she had declined the hookup thing and stayed strong to her standards. 

Anyway Kim I’m glad you had fun, and hope you won’t feel any resentment. 

I don't feel any resentment, Sindy, it's all good. As I said, this is usually not my style to take a guy back home like this but it felt right in the moment. I'm glad he was honest to me as far as his expectations.

We have not seen each other at the office yet after what happened but I think it should be okay when we run into each other.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

have you even heard of the concept that men label women: “the woman I want to have sex with” and “the woman I’m interested in dating”… the woman a man wants to have sex with usually never becomes the one he wants to date…

This is true. You dont want to know what men talk about women who just want to have sex with and that they wouldnt date them. I even dare to say “reputation” is a thing. There was an OP who after sleeping to one guy from work(also at the office party from what I remember lol) wanted to have a relationship with other. But other said how there is no way because he just wants sex as the other guy got that. That kind of stuff happens a lot especially in the big companies where people talk a lot(read “gossip”) and it spreads around.

I am glad Kim enjoyed it. But this is something she should thread carefully.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I don't see this as lowering my standards, I just decided to have some fun this time.

I think the party atmosphere and the fact that we both had a few drinks helped that we started to talk about it. He was touching me a lot during the party and then he said he only wants something casual. We both agreed it will stay between us and we won't tell anyone at work.

 

We left the party separately, I left first and then he came over to my apartment. The sex was good and I enjoyed it. 

 

Our company is very big, with many people, we don't sit on the same floor and we can also work from home so we should not run into each other too often. 

 

The only thing that worries me a little is that some of his team members noticed what was going between us at the party but then again, I don't see them at all so it should be okay.

 

I don't think I'll get attached, it was clearly a one night stand situation that had its purpose. He mentioned something along the lines that we could 'meet' like this again. 

 

I honestly don't care if it happens again or not, we had strong chemistry, it naturally escalated and it was a fun night.

Thank you for providing more context Kim, and again I'm happy you had a great time and it was a good experience for you. 😀

[kim42]

5 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

This is true. You dont want to know what men talk about women who just want to have sex with and that they wouldnt date them. I even dare to say “reputation” is a thing. There was an OP who after sleeping to one guy from work(also at the office party from what I remember lol) wanted to have a relationship with other. But other said how there is no way because he just wants sex as the other guy got that. That kind of stuff happens a lot especially in the big companies where people talk a lot(read “gossip”) and it spreads around.

I am glad Kim enjoyed it. But this is something she should thread carefully.

To be clear, I'm not planning to do this at every party with someone, it was exceptional.

He said he won't tell anyone so I hope he will keep his word. As I said, some of his team members noticed something at the party and my friend (also a coworker) noticed something too, so I hope that won't be too much gossip.

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, kim42 said:

To be clear, I'm not planning to do this at every party with someone, it was exceptional.

I know you dont, just saying how it goes and what you would maybe hear from now. From both men and women.

18 minutes ago, kim42 said:

He said he won't tell anyone so I hope he will keep his word.

Also I am sorry but this is way too optimistic and way too much faith in somebody you dont even know that much. “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear that, does it make a sound?”. Men dont keep that kind of stuff for themselves.

I would be very surprised if his man friends from work dont know what happened by Monday. Sorry. 

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I don't see this as lowering my standards, I just decided to have some fun this time.

Probably because a few days ago you were quite adamant about him flaking out on you that you found it off-putting and you commented that he might be a 'player.'

I think that's why some people are confused about why you chose to sleep with him. In a way it does look like you've lowered your standards. You still don't know him well and he has shown flaky behaviour, aspects that you yourself found unattractive and he hasn't really made too much of an effort with you, albeit slipped up a bit with drinks. So, there's not too much to base all of this on.

It's your life and you have the right to sleep with, whoever you want, when you want but yeh, perhaps in this situation, you made things a bit easy with you whereas you had previously most strongly objected to. So when people say 'lowering standards' (you sleeping with him after he shows no serious interest) maybe that's what they meant. 

But I get it, when there's mutual attraction, and a bit of drinks things can just happen.

Fair.

[kim42]

29 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I know you dont, just saying how it goes and what you would maybe hear from now. From both men and women.

Also I am sorry but this is way too optimistic and way too much faith in somebody you dont even know that much. “If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear that, does it make a sound?”. Men dont keep that kind of stuff for themselves.

I would be very surprised if his man friends from work dont know what happened by Monday. Sorry. 

I don't know, we both agreed we will keep it to ourselves so I truly hope he won't share it with his team.