He likes me but he want to build his career first before he pursue me

[heyitsmeeeeee]

13 hours ago, TeeDee said:

What an awful thing to say.  It makes you sound like a materialistic gold digger.   In his shoes I would never date you. 

@TeeDee I believe that I am not a materialistic person and it's really not my intention to tell him to build himself first just to pursue me, I always tell him to do it for himself and for his future. He's very open about his feelings over me especially when I already distant myself yet he keeps coming back.

I also mentioned to him that if you start building up your career then you will have more potential in looking for someone else along the way. Then he just told me that I know but he wants to assure me that I will be the one who he will pursue. At the back of my mind I know it's too good to tell at the moment all about this. I just didn't respond or anything.

[heyitsmeeeeee]

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^  I think this is a very good idea.  Move on for now and see where life takes you.

Okay agree with that. Thank you @Capricorn3

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 telling me he likes me that is why I already came to a point to directly tell him to build his career first.

Please don't string him along. Unless you're ready to support and house Mr McJob, move forward. Tell him you're not a good match. 

[rainbowsandroses]

What I don't understand is since you both apparently like each other and want to date, why must he have his career built first before he dates you?  Why can't he build his career AND date you at the same time?

No need for you to support him, he can work part-time, does he work now?  Where is he living, does he have his own apartment, pay rent?  

Many couples do that, I did that with one of my ex's.  He was in school pursuing a post-graduate degree/working towards building his career, working part-time AND dating me, in fact we were living together.

He made enough to cover his half of the rent and expenses, he finally got his degree and ended up getting a fantastic job!

All while dating me!  Money was tight but we managed just fine.

I dunno something isn't jiving quite right with this and agree with Januty, move on and see where life takes you.

 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What I don't understand is since you both apparently like each other and want to date, why must he have his career built first before he dates you?  Why can't he build his career AND date you at the same time?

Because I don't want him to be complacent that I accepted him to have no regular job, not paying his own rent and to be supported by his parents at his age. We dated once, then when I know that he doesn't passed my standards I distant myself then he asked me why. Then that's the time I told him that I am looking for a long term relationship and who's making his own living at the age of 32. Sorry if it's too harsh to hear but I think that will be the reality of truth since he asked me why. 

I am just afraid that if  we jump to boyfriend-girlfriend situation now then I will expecting him to somehow him prepare a 'date' for us (let's just be honest that we do think of this) yet since he doesn't have enough resources I will be accepting that he can't give me this kind of stuff.

We are not living in a movie world where you can accept the person even he's not making his own living. Again, I am not being materialistic or gold digger. I just know that I deserve better. I think if I am on my younger years -- 20 ish yrs old -- then I think this will still be acceptable and we will just help each other out. 

It is not just only about money, anyway. It is on how you handle yourself and be responsible for your future before committing yourself to others. 

 

[boltnrun]

Has he ever had a job? Or have his parents been supporting him financially all his life?

[heyitsmeeeeee]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he ever had a job? Or have his parents been supporting him financially all his life?

He only had part time job (online job) since after he graduated his college. He's still staying with his parents. He said he can't find a regular job as he can't leave his mom alone since she is somewhat having a depression, nobody can look after his mom. His father is working and so his sibling also helped him financially just to take care of their mom. 

 

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

He said he can't find a regular job as he can't leave his mom alone since she is somewhat having a depression, nobody can look after his mom.

So how's he supposed to "build a career"?

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 I told him that I am looking for a long term relationship and who's making his own living at the age of 32. 

Is he the only man on earth? It's understandable at your age that you want a BF, but why don't you find a suitable one?  There are certainly more men especially in your middle-aged age group that have jobs and live independently than just this one man you're obsessed with fixing and changing.

[heyitsmeeeeee]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So how's he supposed to "build a career"?

I don't ask if how he will do it. I let him do his own way. So not sure of that.

[heyitsmeeeeee]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is he the only man on earth? It's understandable at your age that you want a BF, but why don't you find a suitable one?  There are certainly more men especially in your middle-aged age group that have jobs and live independently than just this one man you're obsessed with fixing and changing.

I am not obsessed fixing him in fact as I mentioned I've distant myself to him. He's the only one keep telling me things that he'll improve his self before he pursue me. It's also not guarantee that I will keep waiting for him to be fitted in my expectations. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

I don't want him to be complacent that I accepted him to have no regular job, not paying his own rent and to be supported by his parents at his age.

Lord, just dump him.  Guy's a loser.  I mean nevermind not having a career, he doesn't even have a job?  And living with his parents?   At 32 years of age?

Forget giving him an ultimatum, simply wish him well and walk away.  

And thank you for providing more context... you can do better..

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 He's the only one keep telling me things that he'll improve his self before he pursue me. 

So you're just stringing him along for the attention and to feel superior by rejecting him? That's kind of a  desperate thing to do. Are you having difficulty finding men your age who are interested in you?

[MissCanuck]

What are you doing waiting around on this guy at all?

Surely you have better options. Don't you? 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't string him along. Unless you're ready to support and house Mr McJob, move forward. Tell him you're not a good match. 

Yes I don't like your repeated "but he keeps coming back" - OP - you are the problem in continuing to interact and be some sort of life or job coach - what are your qualifications?.  And you're wrong - not everyone cares what their partner's career is - some people live off  their land/have side hustles/have a trust fund - you're the wrong person to lecture and tell him cliches - he likes you romantically so it's the wrong dynamic.  He can "keep coming back" and you can do the right thing.

[TeeDee]

A 32 year old college graduate who has never had a job & lives at home to support his mom who is too depressed to care for herself is not going to suddenly become ambitious to win a woman's affection.   This guy has zero ambition & never will.  He is tied to mommy's apron strings & likes coasting along being supported by others.  He's already wasted 1/3 of his life.  

Telling him to shape up is almost cruel because it gives him false hope.  

You would have been better off just saying no thanks.  You are allowed to not want to date somebody because they are lazy.  Attraction is more than just physical.  It involved having shared dreams but this guy is just a bum

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, TeeDee said:

It involved having shared dreams but this guy is just a bum

Or he has mental health issues she doesn't know about ,etc.  

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Or he has mental health issues she doesn't know about ,etc.  

I wouldnt go for mental health issues, simply because there are a lot of people who are just like that by default. Meaning no mental illness, just dont have a drive to pursue career. For example I have an acquaintance that has a college. But has no job with that college nore tries to get it. But is with parents and they have their own home so he wont starve. Well at least for now as his parents are alive. But for tomorrow, most he can hope is to somehow get at least minimal pension somehow. Which is doubtful as he doesnt have a day of work as far as I know. He has a college so he finds demeaning to work anything bellow some level. So he just doesnt work. What I an trying to say is, there is enough people who are just like that. No need to involve mental health.

[Andrina]

On 3/20/2024 at 3:08 AM, heyitsmeeeeee said:

Yes that's right. I just told him that because he's telling me he likes me and he wants to be with me. But I don't want to just go into a relationship when he is not stable in his career yet. That is why I opened up to him that if he really wants me to be in his life then he needs to build his career first before he starts a relationship with me as I think of a long term.

He also told me that I am helping him to at least really open his mind to be better and he is in progress of improving himself because of what I said. 

I am just thinking if should I take this as positive or what.

You need to read a Dating 101 book. After that first date, when he asked for another, you should have said something like, "No thank you. I wish you the best." And then when he reached out again, you should've said, "I'm not interested in staying in contact." And then if he didn't respect your wishes, you should have blocked him.

You have made this way too complicated and overly involved yourself in a stranger. Your question and words speak of you being hopeful he's going to turn his life around and since you find him cute and attentive, you're keeping the connection. Big mistake. A big change would involve him all of a sudden changing his work ethic from poor to high. It would also take a high-powered employer to take a chance on a person with a poor track record. You're naive to think this is going to happen.

He's being attentive because you're the only woman willing to give him the time of day. Set yourself free from this fiasco and block him.

[Coily]

9 hours ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

He said he can't find a regular job as he can't leave his mom alone since she is somewhat having a depression, nobody can look after his mom.

So basically he's a full time care giver to him mom. Which probably means he sugarcoated the depression she struggles with.

Having met quite a few people who are full time care-givers to a parent, a lot of his behavior checks out. A career just isn't something a lot of these people have the capacity to do, as they are consumed with having to look after a parent or sibling. Best to move on, rather than let disdain grow between the two of you.

[boltnrun]

Is your expectation that he will stop caring for his mother and get a full time career job so he can date you? Does he intend to continue living with his parents after he announces he's getting a career job so he can date you which means he won't be available to care for his mother anymore?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

So basically he's a full time care giver to him mom. Which probably means he sugarcoated the depression she struggles with.

Having met quite a few people who are full time care-givers to a parent, a lot of his behavior checks out. A career just isn't something a lot of these people have the capacity to do, as they are consumed with having to look after a parent or sibling. Best to move on, rather than let disdain grow between the two of you.

Also in some situations the government will pay a family caregiver so he might want to look into that as a source of income.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Telling him to shape up is almost cruel because it gives him false hope.  

You would have been better off just saying no thanks. 

That's what she did after he told her this stuff on their first date. She backed off, he contacted her to ask why, and she told him what she's looking for in a partner.

OP, I would not stay in contact with the guy. Dating is not about becoming someone's social worker.

[Cherylyn]

I actually think it's better that he concentrates on his career and then he has brain space for dating and possibly a long term relationship or commitment.  Until then,  he's unstable and needs to get settled economically. 

As for you,  move on.  He's not ready to be dating material or anything beyond. 

Yes,  he means it.  Be with a man who is ready to date.  Any other type is simply a waste of your time and energy.