He likes me but he want to build his career first before he pursue me

[heyitsmeeeeee]

I told him if you really want to be my boyfriend you needed to build up your career first as I am looking for a long term relationship and so he agree. He told me that once I get there I will be pursuing you, I only want to pursue you not anyone else. 

Does he mean it?

 

 

[Capricorn3]

28 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

I told him if you really want to be my boyfriend you needed to build up your career first as I am looking for a long term relationship and so he agree. He told me that once I get there I will be pursuing you, I only want to pursue you not anyone else. 

Does he mean it?

Nobody can possibly know if he means it, or not.  Anyone can say anything just to please someone else.

(Side note: Maybe it's just me but I don't think you should be telling him what to do with his future in order to be with you - it should be be HIS decision what he wants to do (imo). )

[MissCanuck]

41 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

Does he mean it?

We don't know. 

But if you don't want a relationship with someone as they are now, then you need to move on. It's okay for you to have certain expectations for yourself, but it's not exactly fair to tell someone else how to manage their life in order to be with you. 

You should keep looking. 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

48 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Nobody can possibly know if he means it, or not.  Anyone can say anything just to please someone else.

(Side note: Maybe it's just me but I don't think you should be telling him what to do with his future in order to be with you - it should be be HIS decision what he wants to do (imo). )

Yes that's right. I just told him that because he's telling me he likes me and he wants to be with me. But I don't want to just go into a relationship when he is not stable in his career yet. That is why I opened up to him that if he really wants me to be in his life then he needs to build his career first before he starts a relationship with me as I think of a long term.

He also told me that I am helping him to at least really open his mind to be better and he is in progress of improving himself because of what I said. 

I am just thinking if should I take this as positive or what.

[heyitsmeeeeee]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

We don't know. 

But if you don't want a relationship with someone as they are now, then you need to move on. It's okay for you to have certain expectations for yourself, but it's not exactly fair to tell someone else how to manage their life in order to be with you. 

You should keep looking. 

True, indeed. I will consider that. I mean you're right that if he's not passed my standards then I shouldn't tell him that things anymore. I just thought that sometimes it's also good to communicate to the person who's interested in you on what your expectations is as well, especially when I also like the person but not to the extent of having a relationship with him yet since I am not impressed in his career secureness. 

[Capricorn3]

8 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 But I don't want to just go to the relationship when he is not stable yet. That is why I opened up to him to build his career first before he starts a relationship with me as I think of a long term.

Are you in a stable career, or building a career too?

[heyitsmeeeeee]

24 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Are you in a stable career, or building a career too?

Yes I do have a stable career and I have some investments. I am 34 by the way and he's 2 yrs younger than me. 
He told me that he think low of himself over me, for that reason he think that he needs to upgrade his career before pursuing me. He's some sort of getting intimidated as he wants to at least stabilize as same as where and what I have now.

We do have mutual feelings for each other. I like him, he likes me. But for these some reasons I don't want to push forward into a relationship right away as I don't want him to be just complacent only on what he have at the present time. 

To be fair, I don't despise him. I believed that he can do more.

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

I told him if you really want to be my boyfriend you needed to build up your career first

I am sorry, but that sounds so childish that I would have never guessed you are 34 years old.

Do you think you build a career over night? That you just say that and suddenly he becomes "career driven yuppie"? It takes months, even years to gain skills needed and build a career. You dont just magically manifest one just because some woman told you she wants somebody with a better career. Are you willing to wait for years before he does that? Moresover, if he is not "career driven" now, there are low chances that he would be in foreseable future. 

Let the guy go and instead go and chase some "yuppie".

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 I do have a stable career and I have some investments. I am 34 by the way and he's 2 yrs younger than me. He told me that he think low of himself over me, for that reason he think that he needs to upgrade his career before pursuing me. 

How long have you been seeing each other? What exactly does "stabilize his career" mean? Is he unemployed? Living with parents? Working at some McJob? Going back to school?

Unfortunately it seems like he just doesn't want to be with you because you don't accept him. That's understandable. He may or may not "stabilize" his career according to your standards, but he can definitely start dating women who care about who he is. 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but that sounds so childish that I would have never guessed you are 34 years old.

Do you think you build a career over night? That you just say that and suddenly he becomes "career driven yuppie"? It takes months, even years to gain skills needed and build a career. You dont just magically manifest one just because some woman told you she wants somebody with a better career. Are you willing to wait for years before he does that? Moresover, if he is not "career driven" now, there are low chances that he would be in foreseable future. 

Let the guy go and instead go and chase some "yuppie" instead.

I understand. But my point here is that he needs to have a good paying job and at least I can see his improvement during this progress. I didn't mean to say to 'become like me' or more than me. I just rephrase I just want to see the better version of him as of the moment he is jobless. He do have side hustle but it doesn't have a regular and stable career. That's what I actually meant. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, heyitsmeeeeee said:

 I just want to see the better version of him as of the moment he is jobless. 

Please don't date projects or men you have to fix or change.  If you can't find anyone suitable, it's not this guy's fault. 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been seeing each other? What exactly does "stabilize his career" mean? Is he unemployed? Living with parents? Working at some McJob? Going back to school?

Unfortunately it seems like he just doesn't want to be with you because you don't accept him. That's understandable. He may or may not "stabilize" his career according to your standards, but he can definitely start dating women who care about who he is. 

We've known each other for 7months now. Yes, he's still living with his parents and unemployed with just some side hustle for him to make a living. As he's some sort of pampered of his siblings and parents and to no drive in looking for a stable job since he's still under the roof of his parents. He has a bachelors degree/diploma, he just didn't practice after he graduated.

I told him that he doesn't need to pursue me that he can just go on and build his life without me. I am open to not seeing and talking to him in fact, I already distant myself to him. However, he messaged me and he wants to tell me that he hopes that I am still available when he's ready to pursue me. And I told him that I cannot assure you on that. 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't date projects or men you have to fix or change.  If you can't find anyone suitable, it's not this guy's fault. 

I take your point. I told him that he doesn't need to pursue me that he can just go on and build his life without me. I am open to not seeing and talking to him in fact, I already distant myself to him. However, he messaged me and he wants to tell me that he hopes that I am still available when he's ready to pursue me. And I told him that I cannot assure you on that.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

I told him if you really want to be my boyfriend you needed to build up your career first as I am looking for a long term relationship and so he agree. He told me that once I get there I will be pursuing you, I only want to pursue you not anyone else. 

Does he mean it?

 

 

I hope not.  Why should he pursue you - don't you want to get to know each other without forcing him to "pursue?"  He knows you want to date him.  I think he meant it at the moment -watch the feet -what he does not the lips. So where are you in your career? If he's not your match now because of his career then what happens if he switches careers - is it a particular career that is part of your requirements -is it about $$$?

It sounds like you're in some ego-fest testing him to see how much he wants you -you want him to pine for you.  You don't really want him.  And if he's wise he'll meet a woman who wants to get to know him and if she has concerns about his career that mean he's not a match she'll let him go, not give him this sort of (to me silly!) ultimatum.

Edited to add -I agree that financial stability is important for marriage/long term.  So you don't care what his career is as long as he is financially stable.  I know of many young couples like my parents and high school best friend and on and on who met young and started out with nothing but worked hard and built savings etc together.  That's not for you - which is fine. Also sounds like he's not the best at working hard/strong work ethic and has chosen to be dependent on his parents.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

I take your point. I told him that he doesn't need to pursue me that he can just go on and build his life without me. I am open to not seeing and talking to him in fact, I already distant myself to him. However, he messaged me and he wants to tell me that he hopes that I am still available when he's ready to pursue me. And I told him that I cannot assure you on that.

OK good -glad you were honest. When I started pursuing my second career- my dream career- at age 25 I quickly confirmed in my head and heart that a good match for me was someone with an equal passion for his career and who liked my ambition/passion.  That's who I married -we met when we worked together (same career back then).

I''d not message him -in the future he knows where to find you if he's still interested in you.

[TeeDee]

What an awful thing to say.  It makes you sound like a materialistic gold digger.   In his shoes I would never date you. 

When I met my now husband, we were both in our late 30s he had a paper route to supplement his sparse income.  I owned my own business & had a graduate degree.  He was a military veteran having been enlisted but was going to school on line.  His job situation was anything but stable.  But I could see the work ethic & the potential.  

You would have told him to buzz off -- to go make money to prove that he was "good enough" to date you.  I took a chance.  He graduated magna cum laude after we were married.  Soon thereafter he found his calling & now has a great job that makes him happy.  Point is I supported him through it.  

You sent a good guy away for all the wrong reasons.   For his sake I hope he meets a nice person & develops a quality relationship.  He may not have money right now but that is easy to fix with some hard work; you lack compassion, empathy & vision which you may never develop.  

If you think him living at home & not having anything but a side hustle is an indication that he has zero ambition, that is one thing.  In that case you needed to take a hard pass not try to motive him to win you or deserve you. 

[smackie9]

Talk is just that.... talk....never can be taken as a promise. 

[boltnrun]

The happiest time in my marriage was when we first got married and had basically no money to our names. We both worked but it was paycheck to paycheck. We worked as a team to maintain our tiny little apartment and keep food on the table and gas in our cars but we had nothing for extras. On weekends we would do free things like shoot baskets or walk on the beach. Eventually we built up some financial stability. But it took some time.

I look back fondly on that time, TBH.

But if that's not for you that's fine. It does make more sense to date someone who shares your mindset rather than trying to convince someone to "change".

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, TeeDee said:

It makes you sound like a materialistic gold digger.  

@heyitsmeeeeee, while I do NOT think it was your intention, I agree with ^^, it does make you sound like a matereistic snob. 

It's quite heavy-handed, I hope you worded it a bit more gently.  

That said it's possible he's the passive, "pleaser" type who likes strong dominant women.

So he took well to your request/demand to get his act together, build his career, make more money in order to please you (in your eyes) and be worthy of dating you. 

There's a lid for every pot. 

[Batya33]

I was comfortable looking for a potential husband who -like me -was financially stable, educated, strong work ethic- but I started dating in my teens and by my early 20s or earlier was looking for potential marriage. So my expectations were in line then with what I could offer and of course I wanted someone with values like mine - work ethic/ambition -but if I met someone who didn't fill the bill I simply didn't date them -I didn't instruct them to change and come back when they had.  I agree.

[jul-els]

It’s sounds like you’re both in agreement that he’s currently unavailable, so I wouldn’t spend more time turning it over in your mind, it doesn’t really matter at this point. Just move on. If he calls you in the future and you’re still interested, great. If not, then life goes on. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, heyitsmeeeeee said:

Does he mean it?

Only he can answer that. I wouldn't put my life on hold to wait for him. If he's sincere, then he'll have no problem catching up with you no matter how far forward you move ahead with your own social life and dating. 

My question would be, if he's capable of building his own career, why hasn't he started doing that on his own without being prompted by you? 

[Jaunty]

Someday perhaps he will have a promising career and he will reach out.  If that happens, and you're single and interested in him at that time, see where it leads.

As for now - you both need to follow your paths in life.

[heyitsmeeeeee]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My question would be, if he's capable of building his own career, why hasn't he started doing that on his own without being prompted by you? 

I've actually question that to myself at first that is why I distant myself to him. But he keeps messaging me and telling me he likes me that is why I already came to a point to directly tell him to build his career first.

[Capricorn3]

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Someday perhaps he will have a promising career and he will reach out.  If that happens, and you're single and interested in him at that time, see where it leads.

As for now - you both need to follow your paths in life.

^  I think this is a very good idea.  Move on for now and see where life takes you.