He flipped a switch right before I moved and I'm hurt

[sadgirl19]

This man (30M) and I had a casual/fwb situation for about 3 months. We both deep down knew it wouldn't go anywhere as far as commitment as we were in different places in our lives and wanted different things long term, but we really enjoyed each other's company and the sex. I was about to start my new career, and he's in hybrid grad school program that required him to go out of state for a few weeks at a time. He would come back home every month for some weeks, though, and would come see me first whenever he did. He mentioned he has no interest in marriage or commitment and admitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone. So I continued to talk to other people and he was aware of this and had no issues with it. Yet, because of his sweetness, consistency, attentiveness, and what he liked to call 'lover boy' behavior, I still got caught up in our situation, got attached and caught feelings for him over time. I keep thinking about the intimacy we shared, and I truly think he wanted me to fall for him. We talked every single day, he took me on dates, he made time for me, he pursued me and seemed like he was so into me, even more so than I was in the beginning. His eyes would light up every time we saw each other. He told me he had no interest in other women while we were sleeping together, seemed to respect my hypochondria around sex, he's kissed my forehead and said I'm enough for him. He even had offered to help me with my upcoming move. 

I did end up having to move to another state for work, and the last time we saw each other before my move, he flipped a switch and went completely cold and heartless on me. Said that realistically it will be too hard for him to visit me, and that if I keep texting him he'll get tempted by me and will want to hook up with any woman available around him - including his married classmates, who apparently throw themselves at him. He said I'll most likely find someone new after I move, who has more money/is more endowed which I found odd to mention given we were so attracted to each other. Then he made excuses about how he's trying to better himself and stop sleeping around, and it's best if we stop talking and move on. I thought we could keep things cordial and maybe would have naturally just let things fizzle out instead of having this dramatic break up as we weren't a couple. It hurts to be cut off so suddenly, told all these cruel things in the end, and not be able to talk to him again when I thought we had bonded to some degree. 

He's also told me a former flame had called him during the holidays crying and asking why he stopped speaking with her, and that he ignored her. I don't know how to not take his sudden shift in behavior so personally and stop feeling so confused and unwanted, because he's clearly a bundle of red flags, but I'm having a hard time coping with the no contact and it's been 2 months already. Everything he's done and said to make me feel like he cared at first has been thrown out the window, and I feel so abandoned and rejected.

I've learned to not be intimate with men I'm not in a relationship with, but for some reason unfortunately, I felt a connection with him that I hadn't found in a long time. I guess I'm trying to make sense of what all transpired.

[SooSad33]

30 minutes ago, sadgirl19 said:

I thought we could keep things cordial and maybe would have naturally just let things fizzle out instead of having this dramatic break up as we weren't a couple. It hurts to be cut off so suddenly, told all these cruel things in the end, and not be able to talk to him again when I thought we had bonded to some degree. 

Nope, not cordial and no bond - except from your end, imo.

He's a guy, in it for the fun, only! Remember that. ( he's a f*boy).  Those ones do NOT get 'feelings'.

 

31 minutes ago, sadgirl19 said:

He mentioned he has no interest in marriage or commitment and admitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone. So I continued to talk to other people and he was aware of this and had no issues with it.

And also remember this!  He's an arrogant male. ( Not all men cheat and women are not H*res fps!).

 

it was only over a 3 month time span.  You will get over him.. and remember for next time re: FWB, they do not get emotionally invested, women do. 😉  So, tread carefully.

 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, sadgirl19 said:

. He mentioned he has no interest in marriage or commitment and admitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone. 

How far apart are you now? It seems like a blessing that you moved and dodged a bullet. Thankfully it was temporary. 

He seems like a conceited calloused misogynistic jerk. Please delete and block this negative man. 

Please try to get involved in your new location and date a better class of men.

[sadgirl19]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you now?

Very far, over 1k miles now. We were in the midwest and I moved to the south. 

[Starlight925]

Oh my.  
He snowed you but good. 
Please remove all traces of this narcissistic weasel from your life. 

[boltnrun]

I don't agree he's narcissistic, but he definitely made many offensive comments about both men and women. He did tell you up front he doesn't want a relationship, so while he was acting somewhat nice in order to keep you giving him uncommitted sex that didn't mean he had changed his mind about wanting a relationship.

Please block this guy and focus on finding ways to meet nice men who don't reduce people to offensive stereotypes.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

because of his sweetness

What is your definition of "sweetness"? Does it include name-calling and misogyny?

2 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

women are h*es

You really need to raise your standards. This guy is a bottom-feeder. 

Please spend some time with yourself figuring out why you allowed this gross man into your life at all. 

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

dmitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone.

Why you want to be in the presence of someone with this ugly mindset, let alone have sex with him and be upset when he cuts you out of his life, is mind-boggling. 

Subconsciously you must think all you deserve in life is garbage. All of this is a sign you need to really work on your self-worth or you will continue allowing total jerks the gift of your body. Counseling and reading books on skills to boost your self-love are good ways to begin the process of self-improvement.

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

I did end up having to move to another state for work, and the last time we saw each other before my move, he flipped a switch and went completely cold and heartless on me. Said that realistically it will be too hard for him to visit me, and that if I keep texting him he'll get tempted by me and will want to hook up with any woman available around him - including his married classmates, who apparently throw themselves at him.

Just when your vagina was out of state and was too much inconvenience for him to get to there? Hmmmmm...

You fell for a player that wants to have sex with anything that has 2 legs and has a vagina regardless of their relationship status. The outcome you got was hardly surprising to anyone but you. Because again, you fell for his act.

[yogacat]

15 hours ago, sadgirl19 said:

He mentioned he has no interest in marriage or commitment and admitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone. So I continued to talk to other people and he was aware of this and had no issues with it. Yet, because of his sweetness, consistency, attentiveness, and what he liked to call 'lover boy' behavior, I still got caught up in our situation, got attached and caught feelings for him over time.

That's no where near sweet and attentive. If all women are hoes, and your sleeping with him, does that not make you a hoe in his eyes too? And what's your definition of attraction? Sexual/sensual attraction is just one aspect.

It's unfortunate you got hurt in the process. 

He was only good to you, as long as he could do for himself. So yeah, take your blessing as a blessing and leave him to it. Next time, be more aware of somebody who only considers themselves, and not 'us.' Be more aware of the wording coming out of their mouths. Don't be so trusting of someone who is showing a 'red flag-a-waving.'

Sure, you might run into the occasional bad experience, but it seems a lot of red flags were thrown your way... but instead of being alarmed or aware, your mind focused on his current sweet words and a fetishized romantic depth, instead of being upset that those words were 70% of the time, filled with hate towards women and glazed with red peppers of cruelty.

[Batya33]

No flipped switch.  He told you and showed you who he was from the beginning.  I agree with the others.  Do you know your worth? It's fine to enjoy sex arrangements and for sure some people who initially connect through intercourse or hooking up as the focus might then choose to be together in a committed happy healthy relationship - but this person was never going to be a candidate for that since basic respect, willingness to build trust with another person and being a person of character and integrity is essential if the two people want a typical committed relationship that is healthy -can't speak to alternative S and M kind of arrangements.

Ask yourself if you enjoy being with someone where there is a very high risk of being disrespected or worse and why you interacted with him beyond intercourse knowing what you knew? (I would have cautioned you even against that -imagine being tied to a person like that if there was an accidental pregnancy etc but sure you don't have to be concerned as much with someone's character when your focus is simply having his penis inside you and orgasming and admiring his hot body).  

[catfeeder]

Two things. First, his comments reducing men to animals and women to prostitutes showed you exactly who he is--the opposite of healthy. I would've walked away at that point, but you went in with your eyes open.

Then there's this thing with unhealthy people that deals with separation through rage rather than sorrow. I've seen it in lots of work sites where people are losing their jobs. They may have gotten along well for a decade or more, but the forced separation caused them to act out toward one another so they could part angry instead of sad. Same happens a lot between parents and adult children leaving the nest. The friction allows them to avoid the mixed, bittersweet emotions that they don't know how to handle. They can just get angry and view the other as a villain. It's what unhealthy people DO.

[smackie9]

We can poke a stick at what is going through his mind all day....still won't get any real answers on that. Lets focus on you. You knew what this was going in. Unfortunately he's used to women falling for him. He knows what to do and say to have women swooning over him regardless of what he tells them of what truly is/how he feels about relationships. He just locked you in because you were a perfect set up for his use. Getting the GF experience without strings attached. But we are all human with feelings and emotions. Your emotions got the better of you. It's a natural progression. It happens to everyone but don't dwell on this too long. Grieve your loss, heal, and go forward.

[ShySoul]

On 3/15/2024 at 11:05 AM, sadgirl19 said:

admitted to being a f*boy from the beginning, said all men are cheaters, women are h*es, and not to trust anyone

People who feel the need to resort to name calling of that type are usually doing one thing... projecting. Deep down they know they are the screwed up one who is doing hurtful things so they have to justify their behavior by claiming everyone is like that. 

It may not seem like it now, but he will end up worse from this then you. You will hurt and grieve. You will realize you made a mistake and grow from it. Eventually you will heal and move onto something greater, a real love and real relationship. He will remain stuck in the same cycle of unfilling interactions. He'll never know what real love and intimacy is unless he can change his attitude and his ways. He's actually a very sad, pitiful creature that isn't worth the tears you've probably spent on him.

And as a male who has never cheated, I think I can call that line a total lie.

On 3/15/2024 at 11:05 AM, sadgirl19 said:

if I keep texting him he'll get tempted by me and will want to hook up with any woman available around him - including his married classmates, who apparently throw themselves at him. He said I'll most likely find someone new after I move, who has more money/is more endowed

He will be so tempted by you that he will sleep with any other woman who is not you? Including ones who are married? That's blaming you for his issue (and is also just complete nonsense). Also note where he places the importance - money and endowment. Again, projection. This is all about him and his insecurities, not you. 

On 3/15/2024 at 11:05 AM, sadgirl19 said:

I've learned to not be intimate with men I'm not in a relationship with, but for some reason unfortunately, I felt a connection with him that I hadn't found in a long time. I guess I'm trying to make sense of what all transpired.

The only thing you did was to allow yourself to be caught up in a fantasy of what you thought he was. You are not the first person to do this, won't be the last. You're not the first or last with this guy. That doesn't make you a bad person, that doesn't mean you were wrong to feel what you felt. It's human nature to want to feel connected to someone, to try to see the good in them. And I'm sure he is very good at displaying some good qualities to get people to stick around. Use this as a lesson. FWB/casusal sex situations rarely ever work because sex, by it's very nature, isn't casual. Sex is an emotionally charged act. There are bound to be feelings involved, a connection that grows. Usually in these arrangements those feelings are one sided and that person ends up hurt when their feelings aren't returned. So it's best just to not get involved in them in the first place. Save your love, and your body, for someone who will show you the proper respect in waiting until you are committed to each other. Your heart will thank you.

And the sex will probably be a lot better as well. As good as it might be normally, when it's between two people in love and in a committed relationship... watch out! 😉