Best friend stopped talking to me after I said I didn’t like her boyfriend

[ornate_rose]

About a month ago my best friend of over 10 years stopped talking to me. To give some back story, I live across the country and was planning on moving back to my hometown with my boyfriend for work reasons. Her and I have talked about this extensively, and we were happy to be able to finally spend more time together after being apart. We are both in our late 20s, and she recently got her first boyfriend about 2 months ago. She told me a lot about him, and from what I heard I didn’t like him. He was already asking her about marriage, hides her from his family and seems very controlling. I flew back out to my hometown for a job interview last month so I was able to meet him. We went out to a bar and things seemed ok at first. But pretty quickly got weird. 

We ordered some small plates to eat while drinking. He was sitting in the middle of us and when we got our food, he quickly reached over to my plate and started cutting the meat for me. I thought it was a little odd but shrugged it off. He then started asking prying questions about my relationship. He asked if I really loved my boyfriend when I moved in with him. This took me back, but I replied with yes of course. Then he asked why I didn’t believe in marriage. I guess my friend told him some things about me, because that’s the only way he could have known that. 

He then kept asking deeper and deeper questions about my personal and family life, asking me about my childhood trauma and my family issues. I was completely taken aback, but I replied in a polite way and kind of shut the conversation down. I was feeling super uncomfortable. The entire time my friend was just staring at me, listening to my responses to all these questions. I remember looking at her waiting for her to butt in to save me but she never did. 

At one point he went to the bathroom and she asked me what I think about him. I told her I didn’t like him honestly. She was surprised. When he came back he looked down at my nails and noticed one of them broke. He then asked what happened to your nail? Again, another odd question and weird that he could even notice as it was my pinky nail. And why even ask? I just felt like he was trying to make me uncomfortable the entire time. Then he goes “the first thing I notice about people is their eyes and their teeth”. 

He then started bragging about his job for a while. My friend said she has to get up early at 6am to go to work. But he just kept on drinking. It was already 12am at this point. He told me that when they get married he wants her to quit her job so she can take care of their kids. He said he already has a savings fund for them and he will be making well over 300,000. Then he started talking to my friend about something else and they got into some argument.

I didn’t really hear it but she ended up leaving with tears in her eyes and went to the bathroom. Then he turns to me and made a comment saying she was overreacting. When my friend came back she walked me to my car and I told her I really didn’t like him. I said I didn’t like how he treated me or you and she agreed. She said yeah I might break up with him after this. 

She then called me up at 3am that night saying they talked in the car for 3 hours about everything and that “everything is ok now” and she’s staying with him. I proceeded to text her a long but respectful message letting her know that I got really bad vibes from him and when I move back I didn’t want to see him again. She said she respected my opinion and wouldn’t talk to me about him anymore. When I flew back home i didn’t hear from her which was unlike her. 

I waited a week and reached out asking how she was and even said I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable and she said i didnt. That was over a month ago and I never heard from her since. Which is completely unlike her. She used to call me every day to tell me about her, her life and her problems and honestly emotionally dumped on me. But it seems like now that I put up that boundary she couldn’t care less about me or my life or our friendship. She doesn’t even care that I’m moving back.

I am unsure if I should reach out confronting her about this or just stay quiet.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, ornate_rose said:

 I told her I really didn’t like him. I said I didn’t like how he treated me or you and she agreed. She said yeah I might break up with him after this. I waited a week and reached out asking how she was and even said I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable and she said i didnt. 

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully she will come to her senses and get rid of this weirdo.

Unfortunately she'll have to come to that conclusion herself even if she learns the hard way.

Hopefully she is close to family and friends she can confide in. Stay in light touch and try not to bring him up anymore. 

[Batya33]

I feel like there are warning signs of potential abuse here.My guess is she is sort of -embarrassed - that she is still with him and talking with you will force her to admit that to you. I'm sorry you had to endure that situation with him!!

[Tinydance]

Well I agree with you that he sounds pretty bad and very inappropriate. Some of the behaviour to me seems like he could be autistic but some of it just seems pretty weird just in and of itself. Sometimes people on the autism spectrum really seem to notice small meaningless details like him noticing your broken fingernail. I've dated people with autism and one of them would notice things like that and always comment. Like one time we were walking past a house and he was like: "This fence isn't straight" but it really wasn't noticeable and why was he looking so closely at someone's fence. Some people on the spectrum will also be very blunt and just ask/say whatever pops into their head.

However the fact that he's already planning their wedding and their children's future and saving a trust fund for their family is really weird. They've only been together two months so this is way too rushed and basically love bombing. Also even if he was on the autism spectrum, the fact he got into an argument with her out in public and reduced her to tears is pretty bad. To me it seems that your friend just really wants a boyfriend because she's never had one at her age and she's ignoring all the red flags. She doesn't have any dating experience. So maybe she has nothing to compare it to in order to realise it's not exactly normal. She might also be excited that someone finally likes her so much that he wants to marry her etc. and not realising it's way too fast.

I know she asked you what you thought of him. So she directly asked for your opinion and you gave your honest opinion. I don't think you did anything wrong in that sense because you were specifically asked what you think of him.

However I think that basically telling her not in so many terms that she has to dump him and you "don't want to see him again" when you move home is also controlling. The reason why it's controlling is because she's a grown adult and she has to make that decision herself. You seemed to give her an ultimatum "I don't want to see him again", as in, get rid of him. Although he sounds bad but it's her life and it's not your place to order her to dump him. It has to be her decision. And unfortunately at this stage she's made the decision to continue to be with him. And because you said you hate him and don't want to see him again, that's put her in a position that she's had to choose between you and him. I think it's totally fine to be supportive but you were a bit aggressive in your approach. 

I think it's OK to reach out to her again to see how she's doing. I would probably not say anything bad about the boyfriend unless she brings up anything negative herself. And if she does just say something like: "You know I'm always here for you if you need to talk or anything happens. Just let me know if you need anything." But try not to come across as judgemental.

[LootieTootie]

I am sorry Ornate. Sounds like you were just being a good friend and being honest with her. I don't think you did anything wrong.

It happens. I had a friend in college that I was helping her get out of an abusive relationship. I was the friend she would call and text when he beat her up black and blue and she would also begged me not to call the cops. So, I finally had enough one night because I could hear him in the background trying to break the door down and called the cops. Same night, she called me and screamed at me that I had ruined her life, and all her cop colleagues (yes she worked for the PD with black eyes!) will now look down on her. We never made up. I never reached out too because I was done being emotionally drained from her drama.

Any way, what I learned is that... even if you're being a good friend just sticking up for a friend who has a terrible partner who treats them badly, they will still pick the terrible partner over a good friendship.

So don't feel bad... In the end, your friend is the one who will still get treated badly and have no one to lean on because she chose to burn that bridge. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

He may be isolating her. I would make a point of reaching out to her, and without mentioning him. I'd make it about celebrating my return to town, and I'd ask if I could bring over some take-out food.

I'd leave it up to her if she wants to talk about him, but before leaving I would make it a point to tell her that I adore her, and I'm only a phone call away if I can help her in any way. I'd leave it that vague--she'll know what you mean. I'd stay in regular contact.

[MissCanuck]

I would bet the farm that he's told her to cut contact with you. 

No doubt she told him that you don't like him. She seems to have little discretion, given how much he apparently already knew about you when you first met him (meaning, she had already told him all kinds of things about you) My guess is he pitched a fit and told her not to talk to you anymore. 

He is bad news, no doubt. The problem is that she will have to learn for herself. The very fact that she was surprised when you said you didn't like him suggests she is not seeing things very clearly and doesn't want to believe he's a total tool. 

I would not confront her. That would put her on the defensive immediately and won't really serve any purpose but further deepening the divide. Instead, I would try reaching out to her one more time to see how she is. Don't mention the boyfriend. If she doesn't reply, then unfortunately you may have to concede that as long as he is around, she won't be in your life.

I'm sorry. I have been where you are. It hurts to lose a friend to a bad partner, but sometimes there is not much we can do. I made peace with losing my friend, but it took me a while to get there. 

[Kwothe28]

Quote

Best friend stopped talking to me after I said I didn’t like her boyfriend

Such a rookie mistake. You never tell them that you dont like their SO. Because they never choose you over SO.

There is nothing you can do here. Its her first boyfriend and he knows how to manipulate her so its useless to reach out. If they ever break up, you can maybe support her then. But this is the lost cause for now. Sorry.

 

 

[Batya33]

Following up -are you close with one of her parents, a sibling -anyone where you'd feel comfortable expressing some concerns, put them on the radar too? I echo what Catfeeder and others have said -you are a good friend - you've done your best and checking in if you can could be very helpful. Best of luck.

[smackie9]

He is totally isolating her...at this point she's probably living in fear of him. I have a feeling she tried to dump him, and he's pinned her down hard. Threats, threat of killing himself, threat of hurting her or her family or even you. She's in danger. I agree you should give the heads up with her family.

[Coily]

Are they of a similar cultural background to you?

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, ornate_rose said:

she recently got her first boyfriend about 2 months ago. She told me a lot about him, and from what I heard I didn’t like him. He was already asking her about marriage, hides her from his family and seems very controlling. I flew back out to my hometown for a job interview last month so I was able to meet him. We went out to a bar and things seemed ok at first. But pretty quickly got weird. 

I agree... He IS odd 😕 .. And to be talking marriage etc already is out of the norm!

Sadly, sounds like she's been taken into a whirlwind romance but is blind to the fact, due to her rose coloured glasses 😕 .

I don't blame you for telling her what you think but if she wants to act this way, that's on her.

Keep up with your own thoughts & being honest! Let's hope, in time she comes around and see's WHY you don't like him!

Remain as you are.. distant.  Could be HE is controlling her/ manipulating etc.  Is pretty much up to her to realize this though.

 

[TeeDee]

On 3/11/2024 at 5:22 PM, ornate_rose said:

But it seems like now that I put up that boundary she couldn’t care less about me or my life or our friendship. She doesn’t even care that I’m moving back.

I am unsure if I should reach out confronting her about this or just stay quiet.

Yes he's a bad guy & you are right not to like him but even though she asked, you were wrong to give a direct answer she wasn't ready to hear.   

In a quieter moment like the next day after you both sobered up you should have asked her probing Qs like It made me uncomfortable when he cut my meat.  Does he do that to you? What do you think about him doing that?  You need to gently guide her to the conclusion that he's awful not force it on her. 

Do keep reaching out & saying supportive things.  Absolutely do NOT confront her or blame her or do anything negative around her pulling away.  This guy is isolating her.  You can't play into that.  Tell her how much you miss her & how you will always be there for her.  That doesn't mean you have to go to a wedding or anything but she needs to know there is an exit. 

Remember this is her 1st BF / serious relationship.  If she waited until her mid 20s for this she probably thinks it's this guy or nobody so she's scared to lose him.  She never had anybody else & that most likely did a number on her self esteem. 

When you move back, try to make plans to see her.  You don't have to see him but stop with the ultimatums.  

I have a friend who is working her way out of an abusive / toxic relationship like that.  She knew better than to put me in a room with her BF.  I am friends with the guy's EX wife & was part of that woman's support system when the H / BF put the wife in the hospital so I wasn't happy to hear my friend was dating him. I also sent her a newspaper article about another violent incident involving him.   She & I had much less contact for about 10 months while their tumultuous relationship ran it's course.  I'd get these tearful phone calls when he did something egregious but then she'd go right back to him because it was better than being alone & he had money which he lavished on her.   Every so often she'd tell me something else horrible about him & my answer would always be the same, "what advice would you give your granddaughter if she told you she was dating a guy like that?"   She's finally on the path to taking her own advice & walking away from the abusive jerk  

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, TeeDee said:

Yes he's a bad guy & you are right not to like him but even though she asked, you were wrong to give a direct answer she wasn't ready to hear.   

In a quieter moment like the next day after you both sobered up you should have asked her probing Qs like It made me uncomfortable when he cut my meat.  Does he do that to you? What do you think about him doing that?  You need to gently guide her to the conclusion that he's awful not force it on her. 

Do keep reaching out & saying supportive things.  Absolutely do NOT confront her or blame her or do anything negative around her pulling away.  This guy is isolating her.  You can't play into that.  Tell her how much you miss her & how you will always be there for her.  That doesn't mean you have to go to a wedding or anything but she needs to know there is an exit. 

Remember this is her 1st BF / serious relationship.  If she waited until her mid 20s for this she probably thinks it's this guy or nobody so she's scared to lose him.  She never had anybody else & that most likely did a number on her self esteem. 

When you move back, try to make plans to see her.  You don't have to see him but stop with the ultimatums.  

I have a friend who is working her way out of an abusive / toxic relationship like that.  She knew better than to put me in a room with her BF.  I am friends with the guy's EX wife & was part of that woman's support system when the H / BF put the wife in the hospital so I wasn't happy to hear my friend was dating him. I also sent her a newspaper article about another violent incident involving him.   She & I had much less contact for about 10 months while their tumultuous relationship ran it's course.  I'd get these tearful phone calls when he did something egregious but then she'd go right back to him because it was better than being alone & he had money which he lavished on her.   Every so often she'd tell me something else horrible about him & my answer would always be the same, "what advice would you give your granddaughter if she told you she was dating a guy like that?"   She's finally on the path to taking her own advice & walking away from the abusive jerk  

Great points. Asking questions allows her to voice the negatives instead of you. If you say them, she’ll defend him and believe her own defense. She will need to hear her own voice, and the goal of leaving him will need to be her own idea. Otherwise, it’s your pressure against his pressure, and he will win.

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/11/2024 at 5:22 PM, ornate_rose said:

That was over a month ago and I never heard from her since. Which is completely unlike her.

He probably put a block on you on her phone.  Send an email and call.  Call from work.  He is now working hard to isolate you from her.  Don't give up.  She may also be locked in a basement at this point.

[Albert Campbell]

It must be really frustrating to feel like your friend isn't hearing you out or valuing your opinion. It's understandable that you're unsure about reaching out. Maybe give it a bit more time and see if she comes around?

If you do decide to talk to her, approach it gently and express your feelings without accusing her. It's important to communicate openly in any relationship, but also to respect each other's boundaries.