Pregnant and worried about how this will go and what people are going to say...

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

.Social media and I include forums such as this send powerful messages to those reading .

I hope women are intelligent enough to get reproductive information from doctors, clinics and appropriate sources rather than social media and forums.

Once you start trying to control people's reproduction you're entering a dangerous dystopian situation. 

It's no one's business who uses contraception or not.  So this is far from any sort of PSA, and veers into very inappropriate territory.

[itsallgrand]

I won't be cheering it on nor congratulating people getting knocked up wildly lol. We are talking about creating life here, least it deserves is a little bit of thought and consideration. And things don't magically sort themselves out just because babies are cute. 

Anyways I think OP was more looking for validation and she finally found it in some posts. And social media will take care of the rest. 

[Kwothe28]

I for one dont care if he is promiscuous. He can have a child in every harbor as far as I am concerned. But did raise an issue about his intensions about raising the kid. OP and probably even him dont have plans of living together. And OP thinks his 6 figure income is enough to cover for some things. Bit he seems to not involve himself too much as a parent. He doesnt know what half of his kids are doing. Heck he doesnt know where one of them even is since mother gave it for an adoption(dunno about local laws but pretty sure he could take custody but again not sure he wanted to raise his secretary kid even though he is the father). All that behavior makes me think he wont be there for OP too much. And that she would be the one that would need to take care of the kid most of the time if not all of the time. If OP is ready for that role, sure. But she should at least know that there is a big possibility of him just not being there. Maybe not even financially. Again, dunno the law there, but sadly lots of men dont pay alimony here or pay it very low. But again she is sure she wont have problems there, so good luck.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I hope women are intelligent enough to get reproductive information from doctors, clinics and appropriate sources rather than social media and forums.

I hope so too but I'm referring to very young women, there have been posters here as young as 13!  And even when they don't join or post, there are many who read.

SM including advice forums like this are powerful sources of information, there is no denying that.

We can question and debate whether they should be, but in the meantime, young women and men are reading, forming opinions and making decisions that pertain to their lives.

And jmo but I think it's irresponsible to ignore that claiming it 'doesn't matter', especially when it comes to a serious issue happening in the US and elsewhere in the world - having unprotected sex and unplanned pregnancies.

It's a huge issue that effects both mother and baby but mostly the baby.. as many are either put up for adoption, thrown into the social services system and bounced around or simply not cared for properly.

I'm generalizing, NOT referring to the OP who I trust wants this baby and will make a wonderful mother and wish her the best of luck no matter what happens with her boyfriend.

 

[Jaunty]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I for one dont care if he is promiscuous. He can have a child in every harbor as far as I am concerned. But did raise an issue about his intensions about raising the kid. 

Same.  It's actually surprising how cool many people here are about how this guy, in his freaking 50's, is behaving in any kind of acceptable fashion when he decides to have tons of unprotected sex ... because he "forgot" his favorite special condoms - on vacation. 😄

I mean ... he already has produced 5 children, at least 3 of whom (I think actually 4 - he's only "close" with his 30+ year old daughter) he has never developed a parental relationship with. 

It's super nice if he's rich and can financially support all these humans, but what about parenting?  And now another one ... because "heat of the moment" (tons of it) and "babies are  cute."

Guy is obviously a knob.  Powerful sperm though.  I guess that's a highly valued feature.

Scratching my head over here. 

Again, I don't care if he's promiscuous.   Bang on, my man.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

She said two of the women he had two kids with were his wife and one serious partner. He's considered promiscuous because he had kids with his WIFE? Sorry what?

I didn't call him promiscuous.  But he still has 6 kids with 4 different women.  Soon 5 different woman with his 7th kid.  One of which was an intern in 2021, which is a horrific  power dynamic to be placed into.  We don't know if the girlfriend he had his 5th kid with was serious.  

[tattoobunnie]

22 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I mean ... he already has produced 5 children, at least 3 of whom (I think actually 4 - he's only "close" with his 30+ year old daughter) he has never developed a parental relationship with. 

6 kids (that he knows of)...we forget the one he gave up for adoption he made with his intern at work. And soon to be 7 kids.

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But two of his children are in their 30's and one is 18. They are legal adults so he has no obligation to financially support them. 

Guess you don't have adult children, or children that plan to go to college. 

Typically, parents are not required to pay child support once a child turns eighteen. However, if the child is still in high school after the age of eighteen, parents are required to continue paying support until the child graduates, stops attending school, fails academically, or turns twenty.

But, you don't stop parenting or providing for them when they turn 18.  Tough life for any kid with a parent(s) that thinks that way.

I fail to see how this guy is some kind of prize, here.

[Seraphim]

9 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Guess you don't have adult children, or children that plan to go to college. 

Typically, parents are not required to pay child support once a child turns eighteen. However, if the child is still in high school after the age of eighteen, parents are required to continue paying support until the child graduates, stops attending school, fails academically, or turns twenty.

But, you don't stop parenting or providing for them when they turn 18.  Tough life for any kid with a parent(s) that thinks that way.

I fail to see how this guy is some kind of prize, here.

Correct , my brother chose to pay support for his kids until they turn 22 and will be finished school. He also has his oldest daughter from 12-22 and she still lives with her dad. He just paid for her latest education venture . 
My son is 26 and I have him probably the rest of my life due to his disability. We are trying to sock away every cent we can in an RDSP for him for when we are gone . Children are the most expensive venture you will ever embark on. 

[boltnrun]

My friend is struggling with what to tell her child when she's asked "Where's MY daddy? My friends have daddies." So yes, financial help is essential but so is actual parenting. 

[Seraphim]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My friend is struggling with what to tell her child when she's asked "Where's MY daddy? My friends have daddies." So yes, financial help is essential but so is actual parenting. 

Absolutely. I know I have suffered for decades from my father’s crappy most of the time absent parenting to his down right abusive and neglectful parenting. It isn’t great when you have Home Depot parents ( never around and never helpful ). 
 

And yes , at 18 you may be a legal adult but 99% are poorly equipped for life at this point and still need parents. Parenting never ends until they put you in the box.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Guess you don't have adult children, or children that plan to go to college. 

Typically, parents are not required to pay child support once a child turns eighteen. However, if the child is still in high school after the age of eighteen, parents are required to continue paying support until the child graduates, stops attending school, fails academically, or turns twenty.

But, you don't stop parenting or providing for them when they turn 18.  Tough life for any kid with a parent(s) that thinks that way.

I fail to see how this guy is some kind of prize, here.

Actually no I don't think that anyone would stop parenting once the child turns 18. Also I think with due respect, different countries can have different cultures and family structure. Here in Australia for example, when you want to go to university/college, you can easily get a loan from the government and they will pay for it. Basically all loans are approved immediately if you're an Australian resident or citizen. You actually don't have to pay them back until you're earning over $56, 000 per year and then they only take out 10% of each of your pays. So the parent isn't required to pay for the child's college at all unless they're well off and actually want to do so.

It's also very common here for a teenager to get a side job even in high school and make their own "pocket money". You're allowed to work from 14 - 15 years old. I got my first job at 16 and I always both worked and studied even in high school. Also here people tend to get married late, in their 30's and even 40's. The culture isn't to live with your family until you're married. So people move out with roommates or boyfriend/girlfriend when they're young and pay their own rent and bills.

Of course you never stop being a parent and if your child is in any financial trouble then absolutely you will not abandon them and you will help them out. But it's not good to spoil your children either like some of my friends' parents would just buy them a car, pay their rent, etc. Jeff's two older kids are in their 30's so unless they have illness or disability, they should be fending for themselves in terms of living life as an independent adult. 

I'm finding some responses like yours quite judgemental. If every child Jeff has was from a hookup then sure. Four of his children he had from a wife and one from a serious relationship. I would not be seeing anything wrong with that no different to any person having children with their husband or wife.

[Tinydance]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Half of these children are adults who should be taking care of themselves, so not really a factor in terms of financial support. Not sure why that keeps getting brought up or why it even matters. Also not sure why it matters why they had unprotected or didn't get a condom. Nor does it matter how many children he has. What matters is the two of them being loving parents to the children they will be having. And it sounds like they have a good start.

Rita, best wishes for all three of you.

Thank you!!!! A perfect non judgemental response.

[Tinydance]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Because engaging in unprotected sex and the resulting pregnancies that often occur therefrom (just like the OP), especially among young women (teenagers) is serious serious business.

Social media and I include forums such as this send powerful messages to those reading which is in the hundreds if not thousands.

Reading how the OP intentionally had unprotected sex and her attitude "we were in the heat of the moment" as if that is some sort of justification sends an extremely bad message, imo.

If you don't think it matters, fine but some of us care about the state of what's happening in the world today and I think it's irresponsible to brush it off claiming it doesn't matter. 

 

 

 

 

It's every person's, especially adults' own responsibility to take charge of their own contraception. OP isn't some sort of celebrity and "role model" to other people. You keep saying "young women reading her post" - she is 28. She's nearly 30. There are plenty of people who get pregnant by accident. E.g. My friend knows a woman who is 43 who got pregnant by accident. Please don't disguise your own prejudice as trying to give some kind of contraception lesson.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I hope so too but I'm referring to very young women, there have been posters here as young as 13!  And even when they don't join or post, there are many who read.

SM including advice forums like this are powerful sources of information, there is no denying that.

We can question and debate whether they should be, but in the meantime, young women and men are reading, forming opinions and making decisions that pertain to their lives.

And jmo but I think it's irresponsible to ignore that claiming it 'doesn't matter', especially when it comes to a serious issue happening in the US and elsewhere in the world - having unprotected sex and unplanned pregnancies.

It's a huge issue that effects both mother and baby but mostly the baby.. as many are either put up for adoption, thrown into the social services system and bounced around or simply not cared for properly.

I'm generalizing, NOT referring to the OP who I trust wants this baby and will make a wonderful mother and wish her the best of luck no matter what happens with her boyfriend.

 

OP is 28, you are not her mother. I don't think she needs a lecture about "the birds and the bees". I think what you're saying doesn't really make sense. Anyone here posts whatever they want. They are not a teacher or some kind of young mentor or whatever. If someone here wrote they had a threesome (which they do), would you say "oh you're not allowed to write that here because there's 13-year-olds here".

Unless you're working for a family planning service and people came to you as a client themselves, why is it your job to be educating people on contraception? And why is it not people's own responsibility to learn about contraception or their school or parents to teach about it? But the responsibility of someone on a forum?

Like if someone got pregnant and they were like: "Mum, Dad, I got pregnant because I read a post on Reddit how someone had unprotected sex. So it's not my fault you see, it's the person's on Reddit." Makes no sense. OP has no responsibility to sensor how she talks for the benefit of anyone else. If you want to educate people on contraception, I'm sure there is work available in family planning services.

[Seraphim]

In the US and Canada loans don’t appear automatically from the government though there is a formula to receive and how much and you start paying when you leave the institution not when your income reaches a threshold. My son had to pay back his loans with no job. They literally don’t care just pay the money back. I paid my student loans back for 10 years. 

[boltnrun]

I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was in my late 30s. It was due to some presumptions I had made about my ability to conceive as well as the man responsible refusing to use condoms or get a vasectomy despite declaring he did not want any more children. However, it wasn't a "mistake", it was poor decision making.

Rita, I hope you have seen a doctor or have an appointment soon. 

[Tinydance]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

In the US and Canada loans don’t appear automatically from the government though there is a formula to receive and how much and you start paying when you leave the institution not when your income reaches a threshold. My son had to pay back his loans with no job. They literally don’t care just pay the money back. I paid my student loans back for 10 years. 

Yes I understand what you're saying. I did know the jist of the situation about loans in the US. But I imagine also if a family is poor then the child would need to pay off their loans by getting a job and so on. I don't think you can just automatically say the parent HAS to pay for college. Maybe they don't actually have the means to do this. Also to me it seems back in the day it was customary to have a lot of kids, even if you weren't well off. But now for some reason if someone has five kids, it's like: "Ooohhh what a horndog." Just because someone isn't opposed to have kids doesn't make them good or bad.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I understand what you're saying. I did know the jist of the situation about loans in the US. But I imagine also if a family is poor then the child would need to pay off their loans by getting a job and so on. I don't think you can just automatically say the parent HAS to pay for college. Maybe they don't actually have the means to do this. Also to me it seems back in the day it was customary to have a lot of kids, even if you weren't well off. But now for some reason if someone has five kids, it's like: "Ooohhh what a horndog." Just because someone isn't opposed to have kids doesn't make them good or bad.

I am not saying that, but what I am saying is the safety nets are not the same everywhere. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Please don't disguise your own prejudice as trying to give some kind of contraception lesson.

Thank you for your response(s) however I take issue with you referring to me as "prejudice."  What am I prejudice against?  You don't know me, but I assure you there is not a prejudice bone in my body.

Nor was I in any way giving OP or anyone a "contraception lesson."  Lord.

@ShySoulasked why it matters that she didn't use birth control or a condom and I responded with my opinion.  And yes I have worked at Planned Parenthood as a volunteer, I have seen first hand what happens to young women and their babies when they "don't think it matters," and trust me it's not pretty.  And I feel quite passionately about the subject.

I believe very strongly in proper education and although I am not a formal teacher or mentor, I will use every opportunity I can to make people aware.  Including young women and men reading this forum.

If you disagree with my opinion, that is fine and I respect it, and would appreciate if you respected mine and not toss out accusations that I am prejudice or am acting as some sort of teacher or mentor (as if the latter is some sort of crime or wrong).

As Maya Angelou so eloquently said:  

"At our best, we are all teachers.”

 

 

 

[Capricorn3]

On 3/10/2024 at 9:50 AM, Rita_S1996 said:

I've been dating my boyfriend Jerry for 6 months now. He's 56 and I'm 28.

My concern when it all comes down to it, is how short a time it has been dating him.  6 months is nothing really and then add to that an unplanned baby, -  I can't imagine it all ending in a long-lasting, successful relationship.  It's very rare.  Not saying it can't happen, but it is very rare (imo). 

As to what people think:  Being human, people WILL talk. It's what they do. There may be the typical office gossip, the typical "shock/horror" of family/friends etc etc.  It is what it is and not much anyone can do about it. It happens.  Whatever you do now, will be between you and Jerry. The two of you now have a new responsibility to focus on.  People talking? Yep. But you can't change that.

[Tinydance]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you for your response(s) however I take issue with you referring to me as "prejudice."  What am I prejudice against?  You don't know me, but I assure you there is not a prejudice bone in my body.

Nor was I in any way giving OP or anyone a "contraception lesson."  Lord.

@ShySoulasked why it matters that she didn't use birth control or a condom and I responded with my opinion.  And yes I have worked at Planned Parenthood as a volunteer, I have seen first hand what happens to young women and their babies when they "don't think it matters," and trust me it's not pretty.  And I feel quite passionately about the subject.

I believe very strongly in proper education and although I am not a teacher or mentor, I will use every opportunity I can to make people aware.  Including young women and men reading this forum.

If you disagree with my opinion, that is fine and I respect it, and would appreciate if you respected mine and not toss out accusations that I am prejudice or am acting as some sort of teacher or mentor (as if the latter is some sort of crime or somehow wrong).

As Maya Angelou so eloquently said:  

"At our best, we are all teachers.”

 

 

 

I understand you feel passionately about this subject and I'm sorry, I didn't know you volunteered at Planned Parenthood. I could be wrong. But just to me the fact that you continue to respond with advice about contraception and relation to teenagers, young women is a bit irrelevant in this particular case. The post was not asking for any advice about contraception or horror stories of abortion or babies living in poverty or I'm not sure what you were referring to that you've seen at Planned Parenthood. 

OP was just writing her own story and I personally didn't really see that she said not using contraception is good or that it's a great idea or anything along those lines. She was telling what happened in HER life and that was what happened.

You changed the direction of the post and discussion to having responsibility to give the right message to young people about safe sex. OP or anyone else posting here doesn't actually have that responsibility. People here are telling their story and unless they're like: "Oh why use condoms, who needs them" they are not obligated to take some kind of moral ground and be a role model. 

To me what comes across is basically lecturing the person for writing about their situation or their issues. Like if someone was writing that they have anorexia and they haven't eaten for a week and happy they lost weight. You can't say: "Oh don't talk like that because there are young girls reading this forum and they can't think that starving is good." To me this is the way you were coming across. This person is writing about THEM and their struggles and it's not their job or yours to get fixated on who is reading it and what impression they're going to get. 

If you actually were at Planned Parenthood or at a school then that's different but this is an online forum.

 

[LootieTootie]

I hate to go off topic on this too, but yea, I talk to a lot of grown adults who still need help from their parents when it comes to paying bills, weddings, vacations and just in general.

Any way, getting back to the topic, as long as the poster and the dad is thrill to be parents, I think thats a great sign so far for a happy fam. I see so many people nowadays who shouldn't be parents or don't want to be a parent. It's the kid that suffers!

[Batya33]

OP - parents -especially moms! - are constantly targets of judgment and opinions from well meaning and not so well meaning people including complete strangers! And sometimes it is a complete stranger who comes to your aid to help you and/or  your child -been on both sides of this including years before I was a mom.  So be prepared - and not because of your particular situation - just -because.  Learn how to best stay in your lane, be confident in your/your partner's choices, accept help from your village and learn how to keep the random comments/opinions off the radar. 

[rainbowsandroses]

51 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

To me what comes across is basically lecturing the person for writing about their situation or their issues.

Tinydance, I really don't want this to turn into a debate between you and me, however isn't that precisely what you are doing with me right now?  Lecturing me on how I should post and what I should or should not post?  I think so, it's how it comes across to me anyway.

51 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Like if someone was writing that they have anorexia and they haven't eaten for a week and happy they lost weight. You can't say: "Oh don't talk like that because there are young girls reading this forum and they can't think that starving is good." To me this is the way you were coming across.

Well first off, I never told the OP what or how she should post, I would never tell someone how or what they should post.   Again I was responding to another poster's comment asking "why it matters that she didn't use birth control."    And I gave my opinion to his question as to why it does matter.

Secondly, with respect to bold, I would probably take issue with that too. Again my opinion but people should be aware of how others reading their social media or posts on advice forums like this one are interpreting what they are posting.

And a young (or even older) person reading a post from a woman with a serious illness that she or he could literally die from that says she is happy she lost the weight might interpret it as being a positive thing. It sends a very bad message imo.

By the way, I have struggled with anorexia, there was a time I thought weighing less than 100 lbs. looked fantastic and so did some others.   I also had SM at the time but was aware enough to not post about it knowing how it might be interpreted and the message it would send to others reading and perhaps struggling with the same or similar illness.

That said, let's not derail the thread further with our disagreements, if you wish to continue this discussion @Tinydancefeel free to send me a DM.