Pregnant and worried about how this will go and what people are going to say...

[Rita_S1996]

I've been dating my boyfriend Jerry for 6 months now. He's 56 and I'm 28.

 

Back in early February we went to Cancun for a vacation. We had a ton of sex while we were there and yesterday I found out that I'm pregnant. I know it happened while we were there. There's no doubt! The funny thing is that this trip almost didn't happen.

 

We had only had sex once and that was right after Thanksgiving. 

 

I haven't told Jerry yet about the pregnancy, nor anyone else. We do work together, I as a chemist and he's an engineering manager. He's been married before and has kids, two of them older than I am. I've became friends with his oldest daughter Joleen on FB and we share stuff/posts frequently. What is she going to think about me now when she hears this? How is Jerry going to react to being a father again? He'll be 57 when the baby is born.

 

My friends have been critical of the age gap don't think this relationship will last. They don't see the attraction. When I told my parents, they weren't real thrilled about it either. 

 

Some people at work know we're dating, but I'm sure the conversation will change once I start showing.

 

Is there any reason to be concerned about this? 

 

I'm scared about the pregnancy as I wasn't planning on this happening. 

 

[LootieTootie]

Hi Rita,

Does your employer prohibit workplace romance/dating?

Also did you guys willingly had sex without protection? I'm sure if you both were doing the deed without protection, you both were aware that pregnancy could happen.

Last question is you mentioned that the trip almost didnt happen. Why?

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I've been dating my boyfriend Jerry for 6 months now. He's 56 and I'm 28. I haven't told Jerry yet about the pregnancy, 

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is sit down and talk to your BF about it.  You seem to be determined to go forward with things even though you've only been dating 28 weeks. You'll have to tell him sooner or later to see if he's as happy about it as you are or not. 

[Rita_S1996]

4 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Hi Rita,

Does your employer prohibit workplace romance/dating?

Also did you guys willingly had sex without protection? I'm sure if you both were doing the deed without protection, you both were aware that pregnancy could happen.

Last question is you mentioned that the trip almost didnt happen. Why?

No. Its a fairly large company with a few hundred people working there. Married couples work there, while not directly together. Jerry and I don't work directly with each other.

Yes. I'm not super experienced in sex. I've only had it two other times when I was in grad school with two guys my own age and that was two years ago. I was not on birth control and hadn't been in awhile. The first time we had sex, Jerry used a condom. We had to rush to get packed and Jerry forgot condoms and once things had escalated on our first night, he realized that he had forgotten condoms. We just decided to risk it. Bad decision, but the mood was just so right if you get what I mean?

We were originally supposed to go on Sat 1-12, but the day before Jerry had a kidney stone attack. He had taken the day off to take his 9 year old son to the zoo and had the attack while they were there. We canceled everything. On Tuesday morning 1-16, he texted me and said that he had just passed the stone and is able to get tickets and reservations for a Wed-Sun for Cancun, so I yes to it. I think with all of the last minute stuff, things were forgot.

[Rita_S1996]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is sit down and talk to your BF about it.  You seem to be determined to go forward with things even though you've only been dating 28 weeks. You'll have to tell him sooner or later to see if he's as happy about it as you are or not. 

Yes, I'll have to tell him and I think the sooner the better. I mean I'm happy, but I was hoping this was a few more years down the road.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

The first time we had sex, Jerry used a condom. We had to rush to get packed and Jerry forgot condoms and once things had escalated on our first night, he realized that he had forgotten condoms. We just decided to risk it. Bad decision, but the mood was just so right if you get what I mean?

Yes you mean you prioritized having sex over the risk of creating a baby in a situation where you don't know if he wants to have a baby with you.  I would tell him -he knows he risked a pregnancy so of course for the best interests of your baby you tell him.

[Capricorn3]

This sounds like an office romance. When you tell him about being pregnant (hopefully sooner, rather than later), have you considered  what you're going to do if he says he doesn't want any more children?  He might walk away from this and you'll be a single parent etc. 

[Seraphim]

I am 57 Lord knows I don’t want to raise another person. We are gearing down for retirement. Hell he could be dead before the child is out of school. 
He might be thrilled and he might not be . 

[Rita_S1996]

2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

This sounds like an office romance. When you tell him about being pregnant (hopefully sooner, rather than later), have you considered  what you're going to do if he says he doesn't want any more children?  He might walk away from this and you'll be a single parent etc. 

Yes, that's a concern. 

[Rita_S1996]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes you mean you prioritized having sex over the risk of creating a baby in a situation where you don't know if he wants to have a baby with you.  I would tell him -he knows he risked a pregnancy so of course for the best interests of your baby you tell him.

Sadly, yes. I guess the mood took over. Too late now.

[ShySoul]

10 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I mean I'm happy, but I was hoping this was a few more years down the road.

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

The only opinions that matter in this situation are yours and the fathers. People are going to think whatever they want to think. But if they really care about you, they will be supportive in whatever decision you make going forward. If they don't, that is on them and not your problem.

The father needs to be aware as soon as possible. Hopefully he will be understanding and happy. He accepted this possibility by being with someone younger and having unprotected sex. Now he should accept the responsibility that comes with that decision.

Above all, understand that what matters most is you. You are the one carrying the child, will be a mother raising it. You can do it. It will be scary and exciting all at once. You'll learn as you go and take it one day at a time. But if you have the child, I'm sure it will be the most amazing and rewarding experience.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

Sadly, yes. I guess the mood took over. Too late now.

Just don't make it sad for the innocent baby. Act now in the best interests of the baby which is what matters most -no need to be a martyr but during pregnancy is a great time to get in the mindset of what matters most is the health and well-being of the baby you are growing inside you.  Get the practical stuff going - if  you want child support, do what you need to do to make sure you get that ball rolling.  Find a good obstetrician.  Take care of your body as a pregnant woman.  It's not too late to act in your baby's best interests.  You won't have as much freedom to make impulsive decisions and then say "oh well too late now" but that's par for the course with being a parent.  Good luck.

[Rita_S1996]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Just don't make it sad for the innocent baby. Act now in the best interests of the baby which is what matters most -no need to be a martyr but during pregnancy is a great time to get in the mindset of what matters most is the health and well-being of the baby you are growing inside you.  Get the practical stuff going - if  you want child support, do what you need to do to make sure you get that ball rolling.  Find a good obstetrician.  Take care of your body as a pregnant woman.  It's not too late to act in your baby's best interests.  You won't have as much freedom to make impulsive decisions and then say "oh well too late now" but that's par for the course with being a parent.  Good luck.

I've been thinking about all of that a lot these past two days. My friend says its his fault because he forgot the condom. Its a two way street. Both at fault. 

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, Rita_S1996 said:

 Its a two way street. Both at fault. 

Yep.  When being irresponsible there are always consequences.  You need to sit down with him as soon as possible and discuss where this is going to go in the future.

[ShySoul]

3 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I've been thinking about all of that a lot these past two days. My friend says its his fault because he forgot the condom. Its a two way street. Both at fault. 

Two people were involved. Both people got carried away and could have stopped it. Both should accept responsibility. 

What happened, happened. You can't go back and change it. Assigning fault or blame won't do any good. Feeling remorse what change it. What counts is what you do moving forward. It's making sure you want the child and if so, doing everything you can to give that child the best life possible. 

[Batya33]

I'd move on from fault.  Focus on the best interests of the child.  And obviously you chose to have intercourse -you didn't have to, you wanted to as did he.  You could have purchased condoms the next day and anyway they're not foolproof.  

I have a son, we tried for a long time to conceive and we loved when it worked and I loved being pregnant despite the health related downsides. (I was 42 and we are now 57).  I love being a parent to our son and it's a ton of work, hard, stressful work at time, restricts a lot of freedoms of pre-kid depending on how much outside help you have/avail yourself of.  I solo parent a great deal because my husband travels a lot for work and also cared for his aging parents in our home city the first 7 years.  It was often 24/7 or close to it, physically and emotionally exhausting and I loved it.  No regrets then or now.  He is 15 and it's still a lot of work just different of course than when he was a baby/toddler/young boy.  

I wish you the best for a healthful pregnancy and I'd get on all the logistic stuff ASAP in case your pregnancy comes with extra tiredness or other side effects.

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I've been thinking about all of that a lot these past two days. My friend says its his fault because he forgot the condom. Its a two way street. Both at fault. 

It's not really about "fault" . What matters is that he be made aware of it so he can make informed decisions as to whether to get paternity testing and decide if he wants to be involved, break up or just pay child support if it's his. It's irresponsible not to tell him asap. 

[Tinydance]

Well I wouldn't be blaming only Jerry for this because while he's older but you're not that young either. And while you're not that experienced at sex from a skill perspective maybe but logically you did know that sex leads to pregnancy. But in any case there's really no need to blame anyone as it doesn't change the situation.

I would tell Jerry immediately about the baby. I think without actually talking to him it's hard to know what exactly his reaction will actually be. I mean his reaction might not be negative. He does have kids so obviously he wanted them in the past and he has a lot of experience raising kids. 

If he doesn't want the baby then I think you'd need to think about what to do. Do you want to be a single parent? I mean some people are a single parent and they raise the child like that and it's fine. Obviously it's really hard but many people did it. I know a lot of people will say; "Oh but you'll be a single parent, think about that!" Yes it's hard but I don't see why people say it like it's the worst thing in the world. Many people raised their child as a single parent for whatever reason - e.g. the other parent died. Or they never found a partner so adopted or used a donor.

I think your first step is discussing everything with Jerry. At the end of the day why do you need the approval of your parents, friends or least of all colleagues? You're nearly 30 years old, you are an adult. This is your and Jerry's choice.

[Rita_S1996]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Well I wouldn't be blaming only Jerry for this because while he's older but you're not that young either. And while you're not that experienced at sex from a skill perspective maybe but logically you did know that sex leads to pregnancy. But in any case there's really no need to blame anyone as it doesn't change the situation.

I would tell Jerry immediately about the baby. I think without actually talking to him it's hard to know what exactly his reaction will actually be. I mean his reaction might not be negative. He does have kids so obviously he wanted them in the past and he has a lot of experience raising kids. 

If he doesn't want the baby then I think you'd need to think about what to do. Do you want to be a single parent? I mean some people are a single parent and they raise the child like that and it's fine. Obviously it's really hard but many people did it. I know a lot of people will say; "Oh but you'll be a single parent, think about that!" Yes it's hard but I don't see why people say it like it's the worst thing in the world. Many people raised their child as a single parent for whatever reason - e.g. the other parent died. Or they never found a partner so adopted or used a donor.

I think your first step is discussing everything with Jerry. At the end of the day why do you need the approval of your parents, friends or least of all colleagues? You're nearly 30 years old, you are an adult. This is your and Jerry's choice.

I told him tonight. He was surprisingly happy about it. He thinks he will make a better dad at his age than he was in his 20s/30s. He said he's there for whatever I need him for. He even offered to be the birthing coach even though we're still pretty far away from it.

He asked me what my concerns were. Mostly I'm kind of nervous about the birthing part, what people will say/think about us with the age gap and if my career goals will be altered by this.

He gave me some of his insight from his POV when his kids were born. Jerry said the only thing that he could say its close to was passing a kidney stone, but all you get out of that is pain, misery and a little rock at the end of the day, where being pregnant, you get a baby out of the ordeal. 

[ShySoul]

Glad to hear he was so understanding and happy. It's natural to be scared and nervous. This is a life changing event. But sounds like you have someone who will be by your side to love and support you through all of it. Together, you can do it. And he's right. That baby will make everything worth it in the end.

[poorlittlefish]

I guess you are against abortion?  

This guy has a 9-year-old child at the age of 56.  As he already was an older dad maybe he won't be as shocked as you think and given that you had lots of unprotected sex, he actually shouldn't be shocked at all.

[Kwothe28]

24 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

This guy has a 9-year-old child at the age of 56.  As he already was an older dad maybe he won't be as shocked as you think and given that you had lots of unprotected sex, he actually shouldn't be shocked at all.

I dunno, if I am 56 I would trully be shocked that I still have "swimmers" lol

3 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I told him tonight. He was surprisingly happy about it. He thinks he will make a better dad at his age than he was in his 20s/30s. He said he's there for whatever I need him for. He even offered to be the birthing coach even though we're still pretty far away from it.

 

That is good to hear. Age difference is a bit worrying andyes, you wont get too much of a social acceptance. But you are in a relationship and you will have a baby together so try to make it work.

Are there any plans to be a family together? Or is he just offering help without any plans to commit?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Are there any plans to be a family together? Or is he just offering help without any plans to commit?

I'm wondering about this, too. 

He might think he will be a better dad now that he was with his other children, but let's be real: he is nearing 60. It is unlikley he will have the same energy to keep up with a baby and toddler, even if he wanted to. He will be 70+ when that child is a teenager.

Can it work? It is possible. But I wouldn't count on him being able to offer the same energy and attention to parenting that someone much younger (you) could. Not at this stage of his life. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

I told him tonight. He was surprisingly happy about it. He thinks he will make a better dad at his age than he was in his 20s/30s. He said he's there for whatever I need him for. He even offered to be the birthing coach even though we're still pretty far away from it.

He asked me what my concerns were. Mostly I'm kind of nervous about the birthing part, what people will say/think about us with the age gap and if my career goals will be altered by this.

He gave me some of his insight from his POV when his kids were born. Jerry said the only thing that he could say its close to was passing a kidney stone, but all you get out of that is pain, misery and a little rock at the end of the day, where being pregnant, you get a baby out of the ordeal. 

I was in labor for about 24 hours and had a near-emergency C section.  You don't have to have a birthing coach - I didn't - you can but not essential -you will make those choices at the appropriate time.  I've heard passing a kidney stone is worse. It is an ordeal and in my case involved surgery.  I learned the best thing to do was realize and accept it's a time when a lot is out of your control so we do our best to stay healthy and have good medical care.

I am glad he's happy. Since he is not married to you please make sure you take care of all the financial practicalities however that works where you live as far as establishing him as the father in case he changes his mind about being so supportive. Keep paperwork too and paper trail of everything you need just in case.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

. He even offered to be the birthing coach Jerry said the only thing that he could say its close to was passing a kidney stone, 

It's good you told him and he accepted it. Do you have plans to further the relationship? Such as living together, being a family, getting married? 

It's interesting he avoided that conversation and simply offered to be there for the birth. 

You need to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical health and pregnancy. Please get appropriate prenatal care and follow through.

It doesn't matter what "Jerry" thinks about kidney stones and birth coaches. If you two want to do Lamaze or whatever when the time comes, that's fine.  But please get appropriate prenatal care and advice.