Pregnant and worried about how this will go and what people are going to say...

[TeeDee]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 She can't make him get life insurance so I wouldn't go down that path - she'll be fortunate if he pays child support and accepts paternity.  

No but on behalf of the child she can purchase life insurance on his life.  The child is an interested party who can buy life insurance.  She will have to pay the premium.  

Yes generally you buy the insurance on yourself but it's possible to buy it in someone else (this guy) if there is a connection.   The baby has such a connection. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Who knows if he likes kids or likes unprotected sex? Or a bit of both? 

You forgot one.  Maybe he likes knowing he's able to get a woman (women) pregnant, it's a big ego boost for certain men, like "look what a MAN I am!" 

I read an article not too long ago about a man who has at least 20 kids (that he's aware of), paid off the mothers, and has nothing to do with the kids. 

I'm speculating of course, who the hell knows what his real motivation was.

I also question the motivation of the OP choosing to not go on birth control after she became sexually active with him.  Before their vacation.

And now it's "oops I got pregnant"?

Something's not jiving. 

JMO

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You forgot one.  Maybe he likes knowing he's able to get a woman (women) pregnant, it's a big ego boost for certain men, like "look what a MAN I am!" 

I read an article not too long ago about a man who has at least 20 kids (that he's aware of), paid off the mothers, and has nothing to do with the kids. 

I'm speculating of course, who the hell knows what his real motivation was.

I also question the motivation of the OP choosing to not go on birth control after she became sexual active with him.  Before their vacation.

And now it's "oops I got pregnant"?

Something's not jiving. 

JMO

 

I agree.  I mean sure there are men like that and women who want a child for the wrong reasons - all about them/wanting meaning/purpose etc with little thought to best interests of the child.  

I was on the pill for both birth control and painful periods on and off from 1992-2004 but I almost always used a backup unless we were fine with the risk.  I am not a huge fan of it because of the side effects and risks.  I know it's evolved since then and there are more options but I think it's not for everyone.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

No but on behalf of the child she can purchase life insurance on his life.  The child is an interested party who can buy life insurance.  She will have to pay the premium.  

Yes generally you buy the insurance on yourself but it's possible to buy it in someone else (this guy) if there is a connection.   The baby has such a connection. 

Oh I see -yes up to her and I agree with you that she needs to get on top of all these details and plans including your suggestion.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

 I honestly want to keep it the way it is for right now. We'll see how things go between now and when the baby arrives. I live with a roommate friend 

It's good you have supportive friends and family nearby. It seems like you both planned an unplanned pregnancy. 

You don't have to live with him if you don't want to, there are plenty of women who have out of wedlock children with unavailable men who choose to remain in the periphery, living separately,etc. 

.  He's financially capable of helping and seems supportive in that regard. 

[ShySoul]

Rita, remember there are only three people who matter in this situation - you, Jerry, and the child. Whatever anyone else thinks of the situation, motivations, etc., is irrelevant. You'll figure out your own way through everything. Do what is best for you. Plenty of people are good parents without having to be married or live together. Plenty of moms do a great job as a single parent. Plenty of moms are able to juggle work and a child, especially if they have a good support network like you seem to have. So I'm sure you will be fine. Consult a doctor and figure out all the necessary steps. Hope things go well and hope you'll share some good news with us in about nine months. 😃

[Tinydance]

I think that you guys aren't really reading her posts correctly. She said that he had a baby with an intern in 2021, not that she was 21. I mean, the intern may have been young or not, we actually don't know. For example I was doing a course and to complete that course you had to do a six week full-time placement/internship with a company. I was 26 - 27 when I did that.

I know on the outset it looks like Jerry sleeps around or something because he has a few kids with different women but not literally all those women were just a one night stand or something. It sounds like he was in a serious relationship or marriage with the mothers of the first two older kids, the 17 and 18 year old, and the 9-year-old. Maybe he likes kids and those women had no kids and they wanted them. He didn't abandon the intern and the child but it was her decision to give the child up for adoption.

In my opinion the outcome of this is actually positive. Even though Jerry is 56 but some women got pregnant to a guy their own age and the guy wanted nothing to do with them or the baby. In this case Jerry wants to be supportive. 

If OP wants kids in general then this is an opportunity to do it. I know people who really wanted kids and they used many rounds of IVF but nothing worked. We just don't know what's going to happen in future and what opportunities we have in life. Again this is only if the OP herself wants to have the baby. I'm pro choice so it's her decision.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

. He also had a baby in 2021 with an intern that worked where we do, but she gave the baby up for adoption. Maybe this is his second chance at that since I want to keep the baby?

It seems like he sired a lot of children and seems financially capable of supporting them, whether their mothers ever actually live with him like family or not.  So in that sense you're fine because your child will be taken care of whether you become a family or not. 

[Rita_S1996]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think that you guys aren't really reading her posts correctly. She said that he had a baby with an intern in 2021, not that she was 21. I mean, the intern may have been young or not, we actually don't know. For example I was doing a course and to complete that course you had to do a six week full-time placement/internship with a company. I was 26 - 27 when I did that.

I know on the outset it looks like Jerry sleeps around or something because he has a few kids with different women but not literally all those women were just a one night stand or something. It sounds like he was in a serious relationship or marriage with the mothers of the first two older kids, the 17 and 18 year old, and the 9-year-old. Maybe he likes kids and those women had no kids and they wanted them. He didn't abandon the intern and the child but it was her decision to give the child up for adoption.

In my opinion the outcome of this is actually positive. Even though Jerry is 56 but some women got pregnant to a guy their own age and the guy wanted nothing to do with them or the baby. In this case Jerry wants to be supportive. 

If OP wants kids in general then this is an opportunity to do it. I know people who really wanted kids and they used many rounds of IVF but nothing worked. We just don't know what's going to happen in future and what opportunities we have in life. Again this is only if the OP herself wants to have the baby. I'm pro choice so it's her decision.

Thank you for understanding it and getting it spot on! He was married twice, had two kids with each marriage. He's not some dead beat dad to them and like I said earlier, three of them are over 18, one is 17, one is 9. We both of good, stable career jobs as well.

[Rita_S1996]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he sired a lot of children and seems financially capable of supporting them, whether their mothers ever actually live with him like family or not.  So in that sense you're fine because your child will be taken care of whether you become a family or not. 

Correct.

[Tinydance]

3 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

Thank you for understanding it and getting it spot on! He was married twice, had two kids with each marriage. He's not some dead beat dad to them and like I said earlier, three of them are over 18, one is 17, one is 9. We both of good, stable career jobs as well.

Well yeah and the kids who are in their 30's are actually adults now so he doesn't have to take care of them or financially support them. I'm sure they still have a relationship with them but they're living their own life. 

[Rita_S1996]

3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well yeah and the kids who are in their 30's are actually adults now so he doesn't have to take care of them or financially support them. I'm sure they still have a relationship with them but they're living their own life. 

Each one of them lives about 3 hours away, one to the north and one to the east in the next state. His oldest son who is 33, isn't married, no kids, and doesn't really associate with anyone. I guess he rarely even shows up to holidays at his mom's house. I haven't met him, but I'm told when I do, he won't say much. His daughter who is 31, is the exact opposite. She's married and has two kids that are 4 and 6. She's great for as much as I've known her the last 6 months. I've met her twice and we're FB friends. I honestly can see her being happy about this. 

[Jaunty]

On 3/9/2024 at 3:07 PM, Rita_S1996 said:

. We had to rush to get packed and Jerry forgot condoms and once things had escalated on our first night, he realized that he had forgotten condoms. We just decided to risk it. Bad decision, but the mood was just so right if you get what I mean?

Ok.  I'm curious about why you didn't go get some condoms for the rest of the "tons of sex' you had while on this vacation.  Of course we all know it only takes one time, but you both had plenty of opportunities to get protection after the first time with the amazing mood etc.

Kind of sounds like you wanted to get pregnant.

Anyway seems like you are both good with it.  I would forget about what other people think.  Certainly there will be talk, since you both work at the same place and he has the other kids and exes.   Don't let it get to you.  

[ShySoul]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm curious about why you didn't go get some condoms for the rest of the "tons of sex' you had while on this vacation.

In the heat of the moment anything can happen. Sometimes passion overrides are better judgement and we get caught up in the moment, the pleasure, the thrill. Regardless of what happened then, something good can come out of it all. That's what counts.

5 hours ago, Rita_S1996 said:

He was married twice, had two kids with each marriage. He's not some dead beat dad to them and like I said earlier, three of them are over 18, one is 17, one is 9. We both of good, stable career jobs as well.

My mother had three sons from three different men. Only the last (my father), stuck around. I'd rather the man be like Jerry and stay a father regardless of how many children there are or how many women there are, then be like the men who left my mother. The measure of a man is taking responsibility for his actions. Sounds like Jerry does.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

n the heat of the moment anything can happen. Sometimes passion overrides are better judgement and we get caught up in the moment, the pleasure, the thrill. Regardless of what happened then, something good can come out of it all. That's what counts.

No not when you're not ready to create a baby if you both haven't  talked in advance and both would want an abortion etc.  No then there is no privilege of "heat of the moment".  

[rainbowsandroses]

9 hours ago, ShySoul said:

In the heat of the moment anything can happen.

The very first time they had sex could be "in the heat of the moment" but once they became sexually active, unless they both want to make a baby together, the responsible thing to do is get on some sort of birth control.

Condoms break or can be "forgotten" (which I don't buy for one second - he most like hates the feeling with condoms, most men do so he intentionally forgot), jmo on that.

So it's smart and responsible for the woman to get on some sort of birth control herself. 

Especially before a vacation when she (and he) both knew there would likely be lots of sex.  Which is precisely what happened.

I asked OP earlier why she didn't get on some sort of birth control AFTER their first time having sex which I do acknowledge may have been in the heat of the moment, but she hadn't answered. 

That said, again what's done is done, the most important thing right now is the health of your baby during your pregnancy and after and making sure he/she is properly cared for, financially and emotionally and loved.

 

 

[Rita_S1996]

56 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

The very first time they had sex could be "in the heat of the moment" but once they became sexually active, unless they both want to make a baby together, the responsible thing to do is get on some sort of birth control.

Condoms break or can be "forgotten" (which I don't buy for one second - he most like hates the feeling with condoms, most men do so he intentionally forgot), jmo on that.

So it's smart and responsible for the woman to get on some sort of birth control herself. 

Especially before a vacation when she (and he) both knew there would likely be lots of sex.  Which is precisely what happened.

I asked OP earlier why she didn't get on some sort of birth control AFTER their first time having sex which I do acknowledge may have been in the heat of the moment, but she hadn't answered. 

That said, again what's done is done, the most important thing right now is the health of your baby during your pregnancy and after and making sure he/she is properly cared for, financially and emotionally and loved.

 

 

Yes, we're both a fault. What's done is done. Like I said his reasoning he forgot to bring them which are apparently the only good ones that he likes are that he had just finally passed that kidney stone, got a hold of me with the possibility of a new shorter trip if I said yes, which I did and then he had to hurry up and get everything ready, packed and re-arrange a bunch of other things and it just slipped his mind. I do believe he doesn't like condoms. I figured that kidney stone might have knocked him down a peg or two, but it didn't.

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/10/2024 at 11:50 AM, Rita_S1996 said:

1. He also has a 33 year old son,
2. a 31 year old daughter
3. two other daughters, they're 18 and
4. 17 and
5. then his 9 year old son
6. He also had a baby in 2021

This person has 4 baby mamas, and you make the 5th one.  Unless you live in a impoverished country, a six figure salary doesn't stretch far.  In fact, he's just a straight up horn-dog who likes to blur the lines using the workplace as his place to hunt ladies to impregnate.

Congrats on your kid, but I wouldn't expect much from this guy, other than the typical can't keep his pants on deal.

[Seraphim]

12 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

This person has 4 baby mamas, and you make the 5th one.  Unless you live in a impoverished country, a six figure salary doesn't stretch far.  In fact, he's just a straight up horn-dog who likes to blur the lines using the workplace as his place to hunt ladies to impregnate.

Congrats on your kid, but I wouldn't expect much from this guy, other than the typical can't keep his pants on deal.

Have to agree , my husband makes 6 figures and we are taxed to death and inflation is extravagant. My brother is a financial advisor with 25 years experience and he says if you don’t make 6 figures you are teetering on the edge of living in your car, and that is soon coming for the lower 6 figure income earners as well. 

[boltnrun]

He's (hopefully) paying child support for two minor children. Your child would be the third. I don't see that as excessively burdensome. My brother makes six figures and he paid $2800 per month to his ex wife for three minor children and also paid spousal support (additional $1600 monthly) and he was still able to provide a decent life for himself. He owned a home and rented another one. Nice homes too. I rented a room in his five bedroom three bathroom 3000 square foot home that was very nice in a very nice area. He was not impoverished.

However, I would find it off-putting that this man seems to be in the habit of sleeping with women he meets at his place of employment and impregnating them. That doesn't seem accidental to me. I mean, you would think if he was concerned he would know about condoms and how to use them. (And as a side note I don't agree that it's solely up to the woman to provide birth control. It should be both.)

At any rate, that is all water under the bridge. I do suggest you not only see a doctor regularly but also have some sort of legal support and custody agreement IN WRITING and filed with the court. 

I wish you good health.

[rainbowsandroses]

To be fair six figures could mean anywhere from $100,000 to $999,999 so if he's in the upper range, he can certainly afford to support all his kids plus I believe when you have kids (dependents) you receive several governmental tax breaks. 

[boltnrun]

If the parents are not married and don't live together the non-custodial parent can claim a tax deduction for the children as long as both parents agree. And the primary custodial parent can also claim head of household which is a BIG tax advantage. My ex husband claimed our child as a deduction and I claimed head of household as I had primary PHYSICAL custody.

Of course, this is in the US. Other countries likely do things differently. 

And this is why having a child support and custody/visitation agreement in writing and filed in court is so important.

[Rita_S1996]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

This person has 4 baby mamas, and you make the 5th one.  Unless you live in a impoverished country, a six figure salary doesn't stretch far.  In fact, he's just a straight up horn-dog who likes to blur the lines using the workplace as his place to hunt ladies to impregnate.

Congrats on your kid, but I wouldn't expect much from this guy, other than the typical can't keep his pants on deal.

I guess we'll find out. I have no evidence to indicate that that will happen. His oldest daughter is very close to him, his 9 year old son is close to him, his two teens, not as much, but he still sees them. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Rita_S1996 said:

. His oldest daughter is very close to him, his 9 year old son is close to him, his two teens, not as much, but he still sees them. 

He doesn't sound like a deadbeat dad at all so figuring out his finances is pointless. The important thing is whether you want to continue separate lives or eventually live as a family once the child arrives. 

[Rita_S1996]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't sound like a deadbeat dad at all so figuring out his finances is pointless. The important thing is whether you want to continue separate lives or eventually live as a family once the child arrives. 

Exactly. And its not like he went into work today and bragged about getting me pregnant. He didn't tell anyone to my knowledge yet. He indicated to me that he wasn't going to say anything and leave it up to me.