Pregnant and worried about how this will go and what people are going to say...

[Capricorn3]

Can members please refrain from arguing and debating one another. Thank you.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

Can members please refrain from arguing and debating one another. Thank you.

Happy to, thank you! 

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

I hope women are intelligent enough to get reproductive information from doctors, clinics and appropriate sources rather than social media and forums.

Once you start trying to control people's reproduction you're entering a dangerous dystopian situation. 

It's no one's business who uses contraception or not.  So this is far from any sort of PSA, and veers into very inappropriate territory.

This is what I was trying to say but I'll keep it to myself as instructed lol

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

OP - parents -especially moms! - are constantly targets of judgment and opinions from well meaning and not so well meaning people including complete strangers! And sometimes it is a complete stranger who comes to your aid to help you and/or  your child -been on both sides of this including years before I was a mom.  So be prepared - and not because of your particular situation - just -because.  Learn how to best stay in your lane, be confident in your/your partner's choices, accept help from your village and learn how to keep the random comments/opinions off the radar. 

Yes some mothers can be really nasty. I joined some Facebook mothers groups and some women there were just super catty. But some people will be kind and open their arms to you. End of the day who cares what people think as long as you're not hurting anyone else. It's your life and if you have financial and physical means (e.g. you're not physically disabled) to provide for your child and your child is happy then what effect does it have on other people? If none then don't worry what they think as it's not interfering with their life or hurting them in any way.

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes some mothers can be really nasty. I joined some Facebook mothers groups and some women there were just super catty. But some people will be kind and open their arms to you. End of the day who cares what people think as long as you're not hurting anyone else. It's your life and if you have financial and physical means (e.g. you're not physically disabled) to provide for your child and your child is happy then what effect does it have on other people? If none then don't worry what they think as it's not interfering with their life or hurting them in any way.

No I didn't mean that at all.  I meant people in general -men/women/regardless of parental or marriage status.  I am in a number of mom groups and have had mostly decent/good experiences and met a number in person and ended up being colleagues with two.  I didn't focus on mom friends because I was friends with many moms before I was a mom since I had our son 10-15 years later than most of my friends became parents.  I didn't need open arms either -it's a range - just like in life -some acquaintances, some friends, some close friends and the help and support is a range as well. I have met women who act cliquey/catty since I was around 10 -so -the last 47 years - often the ones who behaved that way in high school behaved high school ish when they became moms.  

OP - you'll find people -whether parents, or not or men or women -who are your people whethe you're going through pregnancy/parenting or otherwise.  And for sure other parents are particularly helpful at times particularly for parenting "life hacks!"

 

[Coily]

OP, have you thought through what being a single mom will entail? Have you talked to single moms and their struggles and triumphs? Are you ready for all of that?

Jerky will no doubt throw some cash at the kid, maybe have some involvement; but where will he be with the 3am feeding? The diaper runs at 10PM? The tears and frustration? Will you be able to provide the kind of life you want for you and the child? Because Jerky will be off banging the next intern.

It's your choice, but have you really thought beyond the office gossips? To the future you want?

[rainbowsandroses]

@Rita_S1996 , fwiw re my previous posts, I did not mean to offend you or come off as too aggressive or critical and I apologize if I did.  This is a sensitive time and you certainly did NOT need me ranting on or placing some sort of moral judgment on you, that was not my intention, I promise you.

Try to not worry about what others think (including me!), people will talk and there is not much we can do about it.  All we can do is live our best life according to our own moral code, try our best to not hurt others and be true to ourselves.

The most important thing right now is being healthy for yourself and baby and that your baby is healthy and happy, well taken care of and loved which I trust she/he will be.

All the best, take good care and good luck!

[boltnrun]

I didn't think my friend made a great choice when she chose to engage in an affair with a married coworker. But I didn't lecture her when she became pregnant (sort of "accidentally on purpose"). The only time I gave an opinion was when she was about to spend a couple hundred dollars on beds for his kids because she was absolutely certain he was going to leave his wife and move in with her (spoiler alert: he didn't). I knew things about this man but I kept some of them to myself because I didn't think a pregnant woman needed to know her baby's father was bisexual and was having affairs with men as well as other women. I wanted to prioritize her health, which was important because she had a very difficult pregnancy and gave birth many weeks early. Not exactly a good time for a morality tongue lashing. She sometimes complains that he never asks anything about their shared child (he moved across the country but electronic devices work, you know!) and I just listen and let her vent.

Rita, again I hope you are getting regular medical care so you and your baby will be as healthy as possible. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't think a pregnant woman needed to know her baby's father was bisexual and was having affairs with men as well as other women. I wanted to prioritize her health, which was important because she had a very difficult pregnancy.

^I agree hence my last post, apologizing.  It was not the time nor the platform to be discussing what *I* think is socially or morally correct.

I had a miscarriage due to stress and certainly would NOT want the same for Rita, whether a difficult pregnancy or normal pregnancy.

Again I wish you and your baby the best Rita, take care. 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

Have you talked to single moms and their struggles and triumphs? Are you ready for all of that?

 I would talk to single parents but there are so many variations -some are by choice, some have tons of extended family support/live with family, the non custodial parent steps up a lot etc.  I solo parented a lot when my son was young but knew for  sure it was NOTHING like being a single mom (one reason I never wanted to do single mom by choice). Ask moms including those with partners who co-parent/married what it's like day to day if they are stay at home and if they are not - what happens when daycare falls apart or the nanny quits or the child is sick a lot and can't go to daycare?

Example.  I have a friend who is single mom by choice and child is 6 now.  No dad involved (likely sperm donor).  The child has a medical disorder that has worsened so now she has to home school and give injections with severe side effects -experimental treatment - while running her own very busy company.  Her mother lives in the area but is elderly and she's constantly dealing with unreliable sitters and nannies.  I cannot imagine.  By contrast, my sister was a single mom to 4 kids after her divorce  - it was really really hard (two had special needs) but she also was able to have the help of her ex in certain respects (not great with child support, sigh) and she lived in a community with a true "village".  So it depends so much.

[Albert Campbell]

It sounds like you're going through a mix of emotions right now, which is totally understandable. It's natural to feel scared and worried about how things will go, especially with all the uncertainties. Just take things one step at a time and try to communicate openly with Jerry when you feel ready.

As for what others might think, it's your life and your decision, so focus on what feels right for you. Surround yourself with supportive people who will be there for you no matter what.

[ShySoul]

On 3/12/2024 at 2:44 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

@ShySoulasked why it matters that she didn't use birth control or a condom and I responded with my opinion.  And yes I have worked at Planned Parenthood as a volunteer, I have seen first hand what happens to young women and their babies when they "don't think it matters," and trust me it's not pretty.  And I feel quite passionately about the subject

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic.

In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost.

Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

[nattz4512]

Do you oppose abortion or adoption?

I recommend planning as though you'll be a single mother.

It's easy for him to give advice when the baby isn't here yet.

Once the baby arrives, you'll truly see how he handles it and if he's involved.

What would you do if, heaven forbid, the baby has severe health issues or disabilities requiring constant care?

You're unsure if he's actively involved in his other children's lives and if he's been consistently present for them.

Consider finding another job or multiple jobs, and perhaps reducing contact with the oldest child as he might disappear from your life.

I doubt he'll be around much, if at all, and even if he is, I don't think he'll contribute much or handle the daily demands of caring for a baby.

I don't envision him waking up for night feedings or attending to the baby's needs at night, especially if he has work the next day.

I don't envision him running after and entertaining a toddler.

I don't envision him handling school visits, homework, school friends, other events and  activities.

I don't envision him dealing with some challenges that may come in the teenaged years..if he's still around. 

I don't envision him having much money, nor still working .. for the continuation of education or trade school,  weddings or whatever. 

I don't see him being much of a disciplinarian. 

Have you thought about the possibility of your child being ashamed and embarrassed by the both of you, and how it might negatively impact them...even socially??

Dealing with a crying, fussy baby might be challenging for both of you.

What would you both do if you lost your jobs?

Are you considering living together?

Can either or both of you afford childcare, given that you both work?

Can you financially support a baby?

Are you both genuinely in a committed relationship?

If marriage is important to you, he may not be the right partner.

Life is unpredictable, what will happen if something happens to one or both of you? 

What happens if one or both become physically limited and disabled from illness or injury??

Personally, I don't think you should continue with the pregnancy...I feel adoption would be best if it's too late.

I sincerely hope things work out well for you.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

What would you do if, heaven forbid, the baby has severe health issues or disabilities requiring constant care?

I think the OP should consider this as a factor -I don't think anyone should choose to get pregnant and become a parent unless they are prepared for this possibility of severe health issues or disabilities whether at birth or later.  In a realistic not a negative/cynical sense.  Parenting involves care -the child is  fully dependent on the parent[s] whatever that looks like with the individual child. You can only outsource so much from all I've seen mostly second hand with family, friends, acquaintances, etc.

I was 42 so we had all non-invasive tests available then -no amnio, etc - but our decision to become parents included the higher risk of giving birth to a child with disabilities, special needs, health issues, etc.  This can happen to a much younger couple, can happen due to an accident, etc. 

So even with a pregnancy that wasn't quote "planned" I would consider this.  (And for certain parents it is not a heaven forbid at all - they love their child and there are parents who adopt and foster children with special needs and disabilities - so often it has so much positive and so much love and delight and joy despite the downsides and hard work (understatement)).  

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was 42 so we had all non-invasive tests available then -no amnio, etc - but our decision to become parents included the higher risk of giving birth to a child with disabilities, special needs, health issues, etc.  This can happen to a much younger couple, can happen due to an accident, etc. 

Lots of people do that one where they take embrio water and do tests on it. My friends did it and my sister did too. It shows if there is any genetic anomalies I think. You can done them before 3rd month pregnancy so in the unfortunate case of them finding something, you would still have a chance to do abortion if you want that. As somebody who worked with kids with disabilities, its much better solution to know and at least have a choice. Its very life ruining for parents. 
 

However, those tests are really expensive here(think around 700 dollars) and not covered by health insurance. So lots of people just dont opt for them. OP does have a rich “boyfriend” so at least that wont be an issue maybe.

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Lots of people do that one where they take embrio water and do tests on it. My friends did it and my sister did too. It shows if there is any genetic anomalies I think. You can done them before 3rd month pregnancy so in the unfortunate case of them finding something, you would still have a chance to do abortion if you want that. As somebody who worked with kids with disabilities, its much better solution to know and at least have a choice. Its very life ruining for parents. 
 

However, those tests are really expensive here(think around 700 dollars) and not covered by health insurance. So lots of people just dont opt for them. OP does have a rich “boyfriend” so at least that wont be an issue maybe.

We didn't want to do anything invasive as this was basically - most likely -my one shot at pregnancy and amnio and cvs can result in miscarriage. But we did all the blood tests plus genetic counseling.  Which have improved even more since 2008.  I have a lot of family experience with children with disabilities.  The tests we did all came out fine.  It would have been such a hard choice but obviously depends on what it is and the severity. In the OPs case she might feel differently about the risks of miscarriage. Here all such tests were covered.

[Seraphim]

I do have a child with a disability that is lifelong and will probably live with me for life. He is 26 now . I was 31 in 5 weeks when my son was born. His dad was 27. 
Disability can happen at any age of parent but far far more likely with older parents even older dads. 

[Rita_S1996]

On 3/31/2024 at 11:18 PM, ShySoul said:

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic.

In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost.

Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

Thank you and yes they are. We set up the baby registries this week. Everyone knows about it now, nothing is a secret. Jerry' oldest daughter has offered anything she can do to help, even though she's three hours away. We had a long talk on the phone about pregnancy and stuff like that. I feel that its easier to talk to her than my mom or a relative. None of my close friends have kids yet.

I have noticed my sex drive is higher than normal. We've been having a lot of sex, more than we ever had prior to me getting pregnant and its been great. I would imagine that the bigger I get, the more uncomfortable it will become. 

Jerry had another kidney stone right before Easter which was his 50th, so I did what I could to help him get through that ordeal. Some people at work got him a card last Monday congratulating him on #50! Odd humor I guess.

He's been nothing but helpful and I can tell he really wants this baby. I also get the impression that he would like to get married. Maybe it has to do with the last girl he was with, Lexi. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. I know it bothered him and he said he wanted to marry her and proposed a handful of times only to get turned down. I have a feeling this is his second chance and he wants to make it work. Maybe I wrong, idk. Time will tell. 

[Batya33]

If you want to marry him why not just ask him? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rita_S1996 said:

. I also get the impression that he would like to get married. Maybe it has to do with the last girl he was with, Lexi. She had the baby and gave it up for adoption. I know it bothered him and he said he wanted to marry her and proposed a handful of times 

It's good he and his family are being helpful. Hopefully you're getting prenatal care. Your doctor can explain sexuality and comfort during pregnancy.  Please try not to make assumptions about marriage if you don't want to live together and he's not asking you. Focus on staying healthy. 

[Isabella7898]

Wow… you’re only about 9 weeks pregnant and you have already set up baby registries? Why the rush? Have you been to a doctor yet? 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Isabella7898 said:

Wow… you’re only about 9 weeks pregnant and you have already set up baby registries? Why the rush? Have you been to a doctor yet? 

I didn't but I know of many who do -they're excited, they want specific things, etc.

[Isabella7898]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I didn't but I know of many who do -they're excited, they want specific things, etc.

Usually people wait till the 12 week mark to make sure no miscarriage.

and she hasn’t said whether she has even been to the doctor yet to hear the heartbeat etc but has rushed to do registries. 🚩 

I get the “I did this one purpose vibe” with this whole thread.  
I feel she got pregnant on purpose.  Why not use birth control when the man is clearly fertile.  
  And rushing registries before confirming the baby is actually ok is weird. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Isabella7898 said:

Usually people wait till the 12 week mark to make sure no miscarriage.

and she hasn’t said whether she has even been to the doctor yet to hear the heartbeat etc but has rushed to do registries. 🚩 

I get the “I did this one purpose vibe” with this whole thread.  
I feel she got pregnant on purpose.  Why not use birth control when the man is clearly fertile.  
  And rushing registries before confirming the baby is actually ok is weird. 

I find this comment judgmental.  She didn't ask for presents, she's just excited.  What people usually do is irrelevant.  People usually wait till they're married to be pregnant.  I wore blue to our wedding cause we were having a boy! And over the moon.  So I'm not really into these overly judgy comments -not meaning at all to take this off topic -as you also raised your opinion on the main topic.  Let her shop and enjoy -the first trimester often is kind of icky!  I shopped for baked potatoes -because that was my craving at 9 weeks. 

[Isabella7898]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I find this comment judgmental.  She didn't ask for presents, she's just excited.  What people usually do is irrelevant.  People usually wait till they're married to be pregnant.  I wore blue to our wedding cause we were having a boy! And over the moon.  So I'm not really into these overly judgy comments -not meaning at all to take this off topic -as you also raised your opinion on the main topic.  Let her shop and enjoy -the first trimester often is kind of icky!  I shopped for baked potatoes -because that was my craving at 9 weeks. 

Judgmental or not that’s my opinion… trying to trap a man with a pregnancy is an awful thing to do,  and I do feel she’s doing that.