Divorce or Stay???

[Confused Everyday]

I have been married to my husband for 7 years.  I have two children and he has four, all from previous relationships.  I am not allowed to attend any events on his family’s side, as his kids refuse to allow me to come.  My husband refuses to share any information about his kids with me and has asked me not to share anything about my kids with him.  I struggle with this as I have anxiety and the keeping everything inside makes me even more anxious.  My husband received a letter from his daughter yesterday and although he opened it right in front of my, refused to tell me what the letter said.  His kids have bounced in and out of his life and the child that sent the letter hasn’t really talked to him in almost five years.  I am really struggling with this.  We got into an argument last night and he told me that if I am unhappy I should just leave.  Now keep in mind he says he loves me and does not want to lose me, but if I don’t accept the not talking about each others kids terms, then I should just leave. Advice is much appreciated…

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Confused Everyday said:

I have been married to my husband for 7 years.  I have two children and he has four, all from previous relationships.  I am not allowed to attend any events on his family’s side, as his kids refuse to allow me to come.  We got into an argument last night and he told me that if I am unhappy I should just leave.  

Sorry this is happening. How long have you known each other before you married?. Have you met his family and children?  How old are they? Why is everything a big secret and why did you marry him knowing this? 

Where do your children stay? Where is their father? Do your children have child support and regular visitation and custody? Have your family and children met your husband ?  

How is the marriage in general? Are there frequently arguments and threatening to divorce? Is this an arranged marriage or are you financially dependent?

Only a consultation with an attorney for information support and advice on your situation, can answer your question as to whether to divorce or not. 

[Andrina]

18 minutes ago, Confused Everyday said:

His kids have bounced in and out of his life and the child that sent the letter hasn’t really talked to him in almost five years.

The way you're wording things is the opposite of how it should be. He's the adult, so if he'd been a decent parent, there would be no bouncing. He's in charge of the dynamic.

Hard to know anything from this post except that he's a bad father, and we don't even know if these kids are young or adults. I'm assuming you dated a few years before marriage, so if you didn't like an unmeshed life with him, why did you agree to marry?

He probably wants you out of it because knowing more would prove he's a bad parent. You being barred from family events could mean he's a polygamist for all you know. It's happened to women. Not wanting to know about your children is probably because he doesn't flat out care.

Only you know the percentage of time you are satisfied with the marriage versus unsatisfied. Whether or not his good traits, if any, are worth your anxiety. Perhaps you're a passive person with poor self-esteem and you've allowed life to happen to you without standards. Maybe now, you're getting a wake-up call and coming down from Cloud 9 to realize your life stinks. Only you can decide what to do now.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, the whole situation would bother me personally. Not only you are not accepted by his kids, but you are not even allowed to talk about yours? What kind of a deal is that? Are you even seeing your kids in that circunstances? 

On top of that, what kind of a deal is "If you dont like it, leave"? No wonder your husband doesnt have a good relationship with his kids when he likes to make up ultimatums like that. Again, all of that doesnt sound like a good family dinamic. And maybe you should rethink the marriage as a whole. 

[Lambert]

I think when a spouse says, if you don't like it, you can leave, it is a very telling statement.

It's manipulative to throw in the but I love you and don't want to lose you. 

That is also very telling.

It's his way or the highway and that's not a good marriage IMO.

Were things always this way? 

[Coily]

I think we need to know more about the ages of the kids.

If they are adults, and he had a turmoil filled relationship with them, he may be trying to shield you and himself from the drama he and their mother had. Trying to not let that experience taint the your marriage. The same my go with how he views your children.

BUT it seems very strange that he has not expressed that reasoning with you. In your position, you need to consider taking him up on that "leave" option. There needs to be a discussion and understanding, not this chaos.

[smackie9]

I'm going to say, his restrictions on you and how his kids behavior is a reflection on how much of a terrible person he actually is. Controlling, secretive, deflecting, etc. Not sure why you or anyone would marry a person that does this. You deserve way better, and yes there is better out there. I can't imagine the continuous hurt and confusion you have suffered over the years. I would make a break for it. Go find yourself, create a nice peaceful life for you and your kids.  

[Ocean Waves]

I think it's just better to take some time off for yourself... No need to decide divorce or stay just like that if you are feeling confused... It is easy for others to just say just go for divorce... But if it is so easy you would have just gone for it... But the reason you are here is you are still feeling unclear... If you can take some time off and do your own thing for some time - the right path for you might just show up and get clear... What you think?

[Capricorn3]

41 minutes ago, Ocean Waves said:

I think it's just better to take some time off for yourself... No need to decide divorce or stay just like that if you are feeling confused... It is easy for others to just say just go for divorce... But if it is so easy you would have just gone for it... But the reason you are here is you are still feeling unclear... If you can take some time off and do your own thing for some time - the right path for you might just show up and get clear... What you think?

While that sounds all well and good, sometimes when you have children it's not such an easy or simple thing for a mother to go and take time off and do her own thing.

[boltnrun]

Do you have your children with you full time or part time? How does that work when your husband forbids you to talk about them? Are they allowed to speak or have meals with you while they're in the home you and your husband share?

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and I would not consider this a partnership. If you walk on eggshells you get to be a convenience for him, but what’s in this for you?

[MissCanuck]

Have you ever met anyone in his family? 

This all sounds very suspicious. 

[ShySoul]

Being married is about sharing each others lives. It's about opening yourself to the other person, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's good times and poor, sickness and health, etc. Keeping secrets and huge areas of your life (such as family) hidden from a person is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

At the very least, he should be willing to discuss why this is such an important rule for him. To blindly dismiss it is, in essence, a dismissal of you and your feelings and that is not fair. There might be a good reason he wants to keep things separate, something serious might have happened in the past. But if he never tells you about it, how can you ever hope to understand? If anything, a discussion would stand to bring the two of you closer together and help see each other more fully. You would think that would be something he would want in the relationship?