Story of Gabby Petito...

[rainbowsandroses]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you are trying to resist manufacturing chaos (Google it).

Keep in mind that people who manufacture chaos may just be amusing themselves with drama,.

But more importantly, they are trying to control things by keeping everyone off balance and being the one in charge of the whole puppet show they're creating. 

Please also keep in mind that while not intended to be abusive it does harm others. 

All that is true and may even be true in my case, at least in part. 

However, again mostly it was what was 'familiar" to me, my norm.  

What's important now is that am aware of how toxic and dysfunctional it was/is and have made a conscious choice and effort to stop it.

And no longer attracted to men who manufacture the chaos themselves, that is huge for me!  

And why I have very little respect for my ex, and why I tossed his letter in the trash. 😀

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope maybe this family is raising awareness. Again as someone posted it’s “better” now as there are more resources and perhaps less stigma. 

Yes absolutely!

Which was my intention with this thread.  To share my personal story and what I've learned and still learning, and hoping through what Gabby experienced and myself and so many other women (and men), that we might learn something from each other and raise awareness in some small way.

Thanks Bat, it was absolutely on topic! 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

All that is true and may even be true in my case, at least in part. 

However, again mostly it was what was 'familiar" to me, my norm.  

What's important now is that am aware of how toxic and dysfunctional it was/is and have made a conscious choice and effort to stop it.

And no longer attracted to men who manufacture the chaos themselves, that is huge for me!  

And why I have very little for my ex, and why I tossed his letter in the trash. 😀

Let's move forward from that.

Yes absolutely!

Which was my intention with this thread.  To share my personal story and what I've learned and still learning, and hoping through what Gabby experienced and myself and so many other women (and men), that we might learn something from each other and raise awareness in some small way.

Thanks Bat, it was absolutely on topic! 

 

 

 

Yes and I can see - including my own input here - how this sort of multifaceted and complex topic and so very sensitive can evoke a huge range of responses particularly because you shared your very personal connection to it. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi guys, so I've been doing a lot of thinking since I started this thread (I know, just 2-3 days ago), I also watched another documentary on 20/20 and the Lifetime movie @Kwothe28 mentioned, and I've decided to break up with my boyfriend.

I know it's a complete 180 and he hasn't done anything bad, but I haven't been able to shake the image I have of him now (physically assaulting past girlfriends).  

I've been trying to clear my mind of these images by focusing on other things; even though it's part of his past, I know he's changed and turned his life around, but I just don't think I can stay. 

Last night felt different with him.  I felt on my guard, not my natural self, it was weird, he noticed it too.  

I dunno, again this is so sudden, but since I'm healing I just can't be around it, and this is going to sound bad but I feel myself losing respect for him.

Like how could he have done it?  What was inside him that made him want to physically assault his girlfriend? 

I can't shake it. 

Anyway, after three months, it's done I guess.  

I am so ready for a super good man, with an honorable background who has treated and continues to treat all women with kindness and respect, who listens and cares and not afraid to express that.

I really do thank each and every one of you for listening without judgment, that and Gabby's story and what recently happened with my ex ALL brought me to this place.

It's a good place even though I do feel a bit sad.

Now I just have to tell him, ugh.  Not looking forward to that AT ALL!!

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hi guys, so I've been doing a lot of thinking since I started this thread (I know, just 2-3 days ago), I also watched another documentary on 20/20 and the Lifetime movie @Kwothe28 mentioned, and I've decided to break up with my boyfriend.

I know it's a complete 180 and he hasn't done anything bad, but I haven't been able to shake the image I have of him now (physically assaulting past girlfriends).  

I've been trying to clear my mind of these images by focusing on other things; even though it's part of his past, I know he's changed and turned his life around, but I just don't think I can stay. 

Last night felt different with him.  I felt on my guard, not my natural self, it was weird, he noticed it too.  

I dunno, again this is so sudden, but since I'm healing I just can't be around it, and this is going to sound bad but I feel myself losing respect for him.

Like how could he have done it?  What was inside him that made him want to physically assault his girlfriend? 

I can't shake it. 

Anyway, after three months, it's done I guess.  

I am so ready for a super good man, with an honorable background who has treated and continues to treat all women with kindness and respect, who listens and cares and not afraid to express that.

I really do thank each and every one of you for listening without judgment, that and Gabby's story and what recently happened with my ex ALL brought me to this place.

It's a good place even though I do feel a bit sad.

Now I just have to tell him, ugh.  Not looking forward to that AT ALL!!

 

FWIW I think this is a good idea especially the timing -short time and short time being exclusive even though you weren't a fan of labels.  I wish you luck in telling  him and making a clean break which again after a short time is much easier on a practical level.  

I liked the 20/20 episode a lot (I listen to the podcasts too -and also Dateline).

My sense is maybe you started this thread -because you were already thinking of moving on?  The story grabbed you in a personal way (obviously also because of your ex but -in addition....).

Good luck and post if it helps.

[boltnrun]

Seems like doubts began when you got the letter from your ex. Since then you seem to have been rethinking dating him. 

I know you embrace the philosophy of "live for the moment and don't think about anything beyond today", but I was never clear on how your philosophy applied to the past. Does it instruct you to disregard the past as well as the future?

In any event, of course you should do what you believe is best. If you feel discomfort being around him it is indeed best to stop dating him. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 I just have to tell him, ugh.  

Sorry this is happening. It's ok after 12 weeks dating to reassess things as needed.

Perhaps you could tell him you're not ready to date to avoid any defensiveness on his part? 

It's interesting that you've been delving into abusive relationships after he revealed his past. 

[Starlight925]

I wish you strength and peace through this, as I know you have developed strong feelings for him. 
 

If you need support, please reach out. 
 

12 weeks isn’t a long time, until it is….as often, what can hurt the most is the loss of the future we hoped for. 

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

what can hurt the most is the loss of the future we hoped for. 

Well, she does say she doesn't believe in thinking about the future or planning for it. Just living for today. So maybe it will be less of an impact than it would be if the hope was for marriage or a lifelong relationship. 

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, she does say she doesn't believe in thinking about the future or planning for it. Just living for today. So maybe it will be less of an impact than it would be if the hope was for marriage or a lifelong relationship. 

That's true, I wasn't looking past today or to what the future had in store for me, for us.  So in that sense, yes it will be easier to move on.

Popular quote: 

"The past is history, the future is a mystery, and the present is a gift." 

However, I am beginning to move away from this line of thinking as I'm learning the past IS important, as is planning for the future also.  

I am quite resilient and know I will be just fine and am looking forward to what the Universe has in store for me in the coming days (the future). 😀

I know what I want now, and need, and what I DON'T want. 

Thank you, everyone.  

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

I wish you strength and peace through this, as I know you have developed strong feelings for him. 
 

If you need support, please reach out. 
 

12 weeks isn’t a long time, until it is….as often, what can hurt the most is the loss of the future we hoped for. 

I meant more on a practical/logistical level -they haven't been exclusive for 3 months, not too entwined/don't live together, etc. - entwined on a practical level.

[tattoobunnie]

On 2/17/2024 at 1:28 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I actually felt myself becoming "turned on" when they got angry at me! 

It is very common with women with complex PTSD from abusive relationships or been in sexual assaulted to role play about being abused.  Cognitive behavioral therapy and EDMR help.  CPTSD is not something you can will yourself to fix.  And, without working through it, you will repeat yourself.

[catfeeder]

RR, it's apparent that you are actually doing your work rather than paying lip service to it. That's rare and admirable. I feel for your discomfort in needing to tell him. We're here if you'd like to talk.

Holding you in my thoughts,
Cat

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

It is very common with women with complex PTSD from abusive relationships or been in sexual assaulted to role play about being abused.  Cognitive behavioral therapy and EDMR help.  CPTSD is not something you can will yourself to fix.  And, without working through it, you will repeat yourself.

Thanks TB, I'm not so naive to believe I've moved completely past this^^, it's a work in progress.

However I DO know that once I see any signs of it, or even just a really bad unreasonable temper, becoming emotionally unhinged at the slightest thing (for example one of my ex's completely flying off the handle and harshly lashing out at me when I opened the door to his dark room), I WILL leave and stay gone.

That type of craziness is unnecessary and frankly unacceptable.

I mean, pull yourself together man, you know?   Life's just too damn short!

 

 

[LootieTootie]

I've always thought 3 months mark was a good indicator if you wanted to continue a relationship or not. It's short but gave each other reasonable time to get to know each other. If you decided not to continue, it was easier to move on instead of not and thinking "well, I've already invested so much in to this person already..." 

Any way, I think it's fine. I know you kept saying No one is perfect and I am happy you found out that there are things that are dealbreakers for you. People, including me, always talk about how terrible dating is but dating really is a great self-discovery journey.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

RR, it's apparent that you are actually doing your work rather than paying lip service to it. That's rare and admirable. I feel for your discomfort in needing to tell him. We're here if you'd like to talk.

Holding you in my thoughts,
Cat

Thanks so much Cat, means a lot. 

I will be seeing him in an hour.  I'm nervous!  But I know I am making the right decision.  

Will update tomorrow.

 

[mylolita]

Rainbows!

 

Just came here from reading your newest thread! 
 

I didn’t know your elevator man had an abusive history with past women? Oh God, this is beyond not good - I think you have done the totally right thing here.

 

I remember listening to Jordan Peterson once and he said something along the lines of, women actively, consciously or subconsciously, test a man’s temper - almost seeing under the light how he reacts. They push him early on - this gives you a decent indicator how he might be, and especially, ESPECIALLY(!) if you are thinking you want kids with a man. God, can they test you, and you need to be with a man you know can hood his temper, control himself in a mature and mentally stable way, because men are stronger and bigger than we are vulnerable as women, and especially vulnerable as women with children. You need someone solid as a rock! 
 

All the best, and good luck! The universe will throw you something I am sure of it!!

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

All the best, and good luck!

Thank you so much!  

47 minutes ago, mylolita said:

The universe will throw you something I am sure of it!!

That would be nice!!  💛

[rainbowsandroses]

Hey guys ( @mylolita per yogacat's thread), I'm back as I've been struggling lately wondering if I made the right decision by ending it?

This is the man I first met on the elevator if not familiar.

Anyway, I've been casually dating and talking to a few guys online to fill the void but it doesn't seem to be helping, in fact it makes me miss him more!

I ended it due to FEAR.  I became all caught up in Gabby's story and for lack of a better way of saying it, began "freaking out" about my boyfriend's past. 

It was all I could think about even though it was years ago and my goodness the man has worked SO hard at rebuilding his life, counseling and helping others!!

He's become a true humanitarian (just like my beautiful dad was before he passed).

I think if it had been anything else like a drug addiction or even if he served time for something stupid he did as a kid, I could look past it. 

Again, considering how he's turned his life around now and doing such good!

But I kept envisioning him (this is so hard to say) physically abusing, okay let's be frank, beating up his ex girlfriend, I just couldn't get past that!

But now I don't know.  He was so good to me in just the way I need, gentle, but strong and certainly no pushover!

I really admired (still admire) him in so many ways, and how he's turned his life around and become a totally different man!

He was kinder, more gentle and understanding than any of my former boyfriends or ex-husband who did NOT share his abusive past.

Yet, they did abuse me (verbally), many times! 

Oh the irony. 😞

Anyway I asked @mylolitafor her opinion back on yogacat's thread but am interested in anyone else's too who want to chime in. 

He has left me alone for the most part since it ended and respects my decision while at the same time expressing that he hopes I have a change of heart because we had such a great thing and were falling in love. 

It was all me, and MY fear. Maybe about falling in love too so soon after my divorce.

Thoughts?

Thank you!

 

 

[Batya33]

I think your fear was rationally based.  It's wonderful how he says he has changed and you saw him for a short period of time relatively speaking and in that short period of time you found him to be a good person in every way that matters.  Doesn't mean he is the right person for you for a romantic serious relationship.  I think it's different when a decision is based on fear that is irrational -for example "I'm scared that if I date this person he will dump me when he finds someone who is prettier/sexier than me so I'll break up with him now before that happens"

I am FB friends with an ex con ( we met a couple of times in person when I didn't know she was one and before she scammed members of my FB group and served more time) - white collar stuff - who has completely rehabilitated herself over the last couple of years and helps other former incarcerated women.  It's admirable.  And no matter what I'd be too scared to ever trust her with any financial dealing no matter how small. Luckily I wasn't scammed by her -near miss- but she did mislead me once and luckily I avoided any harm from it.  Just because I see that she is a different person and so philanthropic doesn't mean I am comfortable having any personal/financial dealings with her or suggesting that anyone else does. 

[DarkCh0c0]

@rainbowsandroses how long has it been since his last assault? Approximately?

I'm going to be honest here. My opinion comes from a myself having had a past similar to yours: you've done the right thing.

Yes. You've done the right thing. You're just healing and realising you were in abusive relationships, so this tells me that you are/could still have good victim signs for abusers. You're not in the best position to put yourself in such a risky place and hope for the best. It's better to preserve your heart and mind atm and work through your abuse + love relationship. I would focus on being single and healing for a couple of months.

He may have changed, but you don't need to be the one to test drive this car which can crash. It's too much risk for your emotionally and physical health. With your relationship to abuse atm, you might even find it harder to leave him once you're attached in deep. Abusers usually reveal their abusive acts slowly. If they were to suddenly lash out at you, then it'll be obvious for you to leave. So they reveal themselves slowly and manipulatively. The more you love and admire them, the more they know you won't leave even when they start pulling bs.

You've done well.

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@rainbowsandroses how long has it been since his last assault? Approximately?

I'm going to be honest here. My opinion comes from a myself having had a past similar to yours: you've done the right thing.

Yes. You've done the right thing. You're just healing and realising you were in abusive relationships, so this tells me that you are/could still have good victim signs for abusers. You're not in the best position to put yourself in such a risky place and hope for the best. It's better to preserve your heart and mind atm and work through your abuse + love relationship. I would focus on being single and healing for a couple of months.

He may have changed, but you don't need to be the one to test drive this car which can crash. It's too much risk for your emotionally and physical health. With your relationship to abuse atm, you might even find it harder to leave him once you're attached in deep. Abusers usually reveal their abusive acts slowly. If they were to suddenly lash out at you, then it'll be obvious for you to leave. So they reveal themselves slowly and manipulatively. The more you love and admire them, the more they know you won't leave even when they start pulling bs.

You've done well.

Thank you! 

So you don't believe people can change?  I mean truly change for the better? 

This is what I struggle with because deep down I do believe people can change. 

His relationship with his ex whom he abused was 4 years ago.

Since then, he's been in therapy, got a degree in mental health and has been counseling men who are or were also abusers.

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you! 

So you don't believe people can change?  I mean truly change for the better? 

This is what I struggle with because deep down I do believe people can change. 

His relationship with his ex whom he abused was 4 years ago.

Since then, he's been in therapy, got a degree in mental health and has been counseling men who are or were also abusers.

Yes I do.  And yes I strongly believe you did the right thing for you. I don't think he's the right match for you even if he has changed for the better.  (And to me 4 years isn't that long and I'd be a bit hesitant to believe he's telling the complete truth about timing given his past -and how short a time you knew him and his bias in wanting to be with you)

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I do.  And yes I strongly believe you did the right thing for you. I don't think he's the right match for you even if he has changed for the better.  (And to me 4 years isn't that long and I'd be a bit hesitant to believe he's telling the complete truth about timing given his past -and how short a time you knew him and his bias in wanting to be with you)

I'm not judging by what he's "told me" about his past Bat, words alone don't hold much value for me. 

I judge based in his actions in the present, how he treated me during our relationship and after (when I ended it) and all the good he's doing for others, in the present. 

But thank you, I'm considering all of it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I ended it due to FEAR. 

Trust your instincts. Fear is a great reason to end things. Even though you're rebounding and casually dating, there's no need to accept the unacceptable.  Never turn off your common sense switch..

[boltnrun]

As you know, abusers present themselves very well at first. They are charming. They know how to flatter. They know how to appear loving, respectful, caring. And then slowly they start. First with small things like asking who you're meeting for lunch and where while showing just the slightest signals of discomfort with you spending time with anyone other than them. And then in an insidious way it escalates from there. You know how this works.

I think it's great you believe people can change. But it comes across like you really, really WANT to believe it so you have "permission" to go back to him.

I just don't know why, out of all the men out there, it's necessary to date someone who beat women.