Story of Gabby Petito...

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I agree.

 

The way I see it is, I’ve actually had this happen but only once - for example - if a friend starts dating a guy and they become serious but then they divulge something about them you feel is just too bad to ignore. I have felt morally obliged to say something. For example; they are an ex sex offender. I would feel, morally obliged to say my piece there to my friend and tell her she’s making a big mistake. But! If my friend and, this has happened plenty, give little grievances like ohhh, he doesn’t seem to make much eye contact or oh; he only took me to a cheap diner or; oh, he is still kind of involved with his ex - I used to keep my mouth shut unless they asked. Because to me, that’s just trivial personal preference stuff, and not likely potentially life or death or criminal type situations. 
 

It’s the same way I have spoken up and reported things to do with children at school. I felt morally obliged as another human, a mother, to do that. I didn’t have to of course, it has rocked the boat - but I’m glad I did. It’s kind of like giving fair warning. At least then; no one can turn back and say, “But no one helped me! No one said anything! No one did anything!”

 

I remember way back commenting on a thread where there was a woman who genuinely was fearing for her life. Does anyone remember that thread? It spooked me because she never replied back to anything and eluded that if he found her internet history she’d be in big trouble. I felt absolutely morally obliged to in no fewer words say; get the hell out of there! 
 

Another thread where I felt morally obliged was, years back, a mother asked help because she didn’t know whether a certain situation towards her child was abusive. Her partner had a history of just taking sex from her without asking/no consent. She’d wake up to him doing it and he always tried to take photos of her child. Again; I was absolutely horrified and felt huge impulse to say, again, report him and get the hell out of there with your child.

 

Not many threads strike me like that, but some do and stick in my mind. I don’t read anything by half on here but if I do come across something, example people have claimed to be suicidal - I have felt the need and obligation to respond as best as I can. 
 

x

I totally get that. I agree! I mean my sister and I felt that way in the 80s if we took a new date to a popular ice cream parlor with awesome flavors and he ordered (GASP) plain vanilla ice cream -we felt morally obligated to warn about the boring red flag!! I am JOKING of course but I remember how horrifying that was LOL.  Later on my husband explained that good vanilla is often hard to find so.... (but even he would't order just vanilla).  Anyway yes I love how you put it and you are a very good friend and supporter.  

I got myself in a bit of trouble once -my friend's friend who I'd met started dating a guy I'd gone to school with who I'd kept loosely in touch with.  I strongly believed he'd become very very unstable.  I had facts etc.  So I told my friend that I had some concerning information and she said -please tell me -I care about my friend.  I put it as factually as I could. I don't know what was said if anything. They did marry, I believe they're still married and happy so perhaps he got help (this was NOT abuse or drugs -it was just he was acting very off plus very depressed -odd).  Trouble was I felt like maybe I overreached since he wasn't dangerous just - not stable? 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I totally get that. I agree! I mean my sister and I felt that way in the 80s if we took a new date to a popular ice cream parlor with awesome flavors and he ordered (GASP) plain vanilla ice cream -we felt morally obligated to warn about the boring red flag!! I am JOKING of course but I remember how horrifying that was LOL.  Later on my husband explained that good vanilla is often hard to find so.... (but even he would't order just vanilla).  Anyway yes I love how you put it and you are a very good friend and supporter.  

I got myself in a bit of trouble once -my friend's friend who I'd met started dating a guy I'd gone to school with who I'd kept loosely in touch with.  I strongly believed he'd become very very unstable.  I had facts etc.  So I told my friend that I had some concerning information and she said -please tell me -I care about my friend.  I put it as factually as I could. I don't know what was said if anything. They did marry, I believe they're still married and happy so perhaps he got help (this was NOT abuse or drugs -it was just he was acting very off plus very depressed -odd).  Trouble was I felt like maybe I overreached since he wasn't dangerous just - not stable? 

Hey Batya! 
 

I get this as well! 
 

Sometimes I think, what kind of treatment would I like in a friend or someone looking out for me? I think about people who genuinely care about me; really want my best interests - for example, my Mum and Dad. They don’t say things to please me or things I’d like to hear. Often of course, I haven’t liked that. They were never really against my husband but they did have legit reservations because I was 18 and never had a boyfriend, and he was turning 28 and a fully grown man running his business with a cottage he lived in so, you can see my parents had concerns I was getting swept away by lifestyle. He wasn’t doing anything flash by the way but it could have been seen as impressive if you were straight out of college into the open sea with nothing! 
 

They actually held reservation towards him for a few years. We had a huge argument whilst we were engaged, I actually went back home for three nights, it was turmoil for me. My parents didn’t really say anything either way. Probably a smart and political move especially from my Dad as he knew we were very likely to get back together after my teenage huff had ended! 
 

Anyway, cheers Batya! I actually don’t know whether I do make a good friend actually. Truly, I don’t know whether I am a lot of peoples cups of tea. 
 

I’m maybe an interesting friend? I have an unusual lifestyle. I’m always entertaining. I love to host. It’s fun that way. But I don’t know, friendships turn south fast with me actually; I often call them off. Another story for another day I guess! 
 

We try to do what’s right for the most part. It’s hard sometimes, people are adults and you can also be wrong. Sometimes you want to protect your own ego and sometimes your friend wants to protect theirs as well.

 

Vanilla ice cream 🤣🤣🤣

 

Can you please judge me on mine? My favourite is… RUM AND RAISIN 🫢🤫🤣 A close second - anything like cookie dough or chocolate/cream mix up! And I also love coffee ice cream. But my favourite pudding of all time, or, desert, for the Americans (🥲) is tiramisu! Or is it cheesecake? Wow, it’s a close call 😂🥴🥴🥴

 

x

[rainbowsandroses]

11 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

But how present in your life was he on a daily basis? If I understood correctly, your mom was the main parent and he was away at work most of the time? So even though he was good, he wasn't around much. He was absent.

He was home some weekday evenings, we'd all (the family, 8 of us) have dinner together.   He was around on Sundays and always spent time with me and my brothers - Jets football games. Jones Beach (Long Island), amusement park, Knicks games, as a family we spent the entire month of August every year at our cabin on Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire, water skiing etc.

He taught me how to sail and we enjoyed sailing together, just the two of us.  

So it was lots of time spent doing activities, BUT my mom was my primary caregiver.

 

 

[Coily]

20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I agree 100%.

I want a man whose go-to in a bad or toxic or emotionally heightened situation is NOT to hit, slap, forcefully restrain, kick, push, arm grab...you get the idea. The right thing to do is walk away and leave the relationship. Plus if he felt he needed counseling it certainly doesn't seem like he was just protecting himself from a toxic witch.

My cousin was involved in a toxic marriage. He moved out and divorced his wife. He eventually began dating a nice young lady. Well, his ex wife found out and came barreling over to his house. She slapped, kicked and punched him. Now, you might think he had every right to defend himself but he didn't. He placed his arms behind his back and just tried to back away from her. He was NOT going to strike her. And it was the right call because when the police arrived his ex tried to claim HE had abused HER. But they could see that while my cousin was covered in slap marks and scratches there wasn't a mark on her. Plus, he didn't want to strike a woman, even one who was attacking him. 

THAT is the kind of man I want. 

And I get being tired of dating for now. You'll know when you're ready to get back out there. No need to date if it just exhausts or frustrates you. 

Two of my friends went through something like this with their ex-wives. In one case she beat him then shoved him out of a slow moving vehicle (apparently her mother did that to her father too). The other was shot, the police were reading him the riot act and ready to arrest him; that is until she started shooting at police with a firearm she stole from her son-in-law. Shows how screwed up the legals system is when self defense is considered too much.

[yogacat]

It doesn't matter if it was your father or mother that was abusive (and I don't mean that to make light of what you went through, please don't think that). Any sort of childhood that involves a 'rough' family environment can be the source of issues forming later in life - when it's the primary caregiver.

The part where you mentioned you are reliving your childhood through relationships - that's exactly what's going on.

It is not unique to you, that isn't meant to minimize your experiences, it's just that most (not all...) interpersonal romantic relationships are exactly that - a way to relive/rectify some part of our childhood.

My only advice is that you look at your relationships without being a part of them anymore (hard to do, but not impossible) and see what dynamic is being replicated. That will tell you what your issues are in relationships.

Humans often find comfort in familiarity and predictability, even when this involves repeatedly entering into relationships with individuals who are emotionally or physically harmful.

[rainbowsandroses]

Thanks again for all the great insight guys.  

In closing, just want to say that my ex was always very respectful towards me and others from what I observed when with him.

I realize his "boner" comment sounds bad, but in context it was funny, not offensive at all.  

Certainly nothing like the sexting comments I received from the other men, which WERE offensive.

When we first met, he came across as confident and funny.  Sure of himself, and yes charming.  I liked it, I was drawn to it.

I'm confused as to why this translates to him being an abuser or potential abuser?  Sincere question.

I didn't find it disingenuous or some sort of seduction strategy; I can see through that BS pretty quickly.  It was just him, his personality (outgoing, gregarious), his nature. Genuinely.  It's why he does well counseling others.  

I mean, yes he was abusive in the past and perhaps would be again under the right (or rather wrong) circumstances that would bring that side of him out.

But if someone ( @Jaunty or others)  would explain how him (or any man) being confident, funny, perhaps even a bit c0cky in a playful way, is a red flag for potential abusive behavior, I'd appreciate it!  

In any event, with my history being raised by an abusive mom, reformed or not, he's not the right match for me, of that I'm 100% certain.

It's much too triggering.  

 

[Coily]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I realize his "boner" comment sounds bad, but in context it was funny, not offensive at all.  

Certainly nothing like the sexting comments I received from the other men, which WERE offensive.

When we first met, he came across as confident and funny.   Sure of himself, and yes charming.  I liked it, I was drawn to it.

I'm confused as to why this translates to him being abuser or potential abuser?  Sincere question.

 

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

But if someone ( @Jaunty or others)  would explain how him (or any man) being confident, funny, perhaps even a bit c0cky in a playful way, is a red flag for potential abusive behavior, I'd appreciate it!  

I personally think some of the responses were only predicated on he admitted to past abuse. Their minds jumped to ah, man has erection, thus up to no good given his past. Rather than a natural response to visual stimulation. Also without being there, any sexual commentary by a man is viewed instantly as predatory; rather than the guy trying to nervously laugh off what could be mildly embarrassing. Similarly, some view being very confident/cocky as predatory.

There is a desire to jump to "ah-ha!" See how smart I am, I distilled a complex personal problem of yours into a simplistic solution.

[yogacat]

22 minutes ago, Coily said:

There is a desire to jump to "ah-ha!" See how smart I am, I distilled a complex personal problem of yours into a simplistic solution.

I don't see it that way at all. Some of us (myself included) have grown up in abusive environments and have had a relationship later in life with someone that was emotionally abusive. So there is some insight here.

But that's not where the story ends for me. And not for you rainbow. There have been many a men that I have found myself attracted to that I will not pursue because part of my tendency is to choose relationships of that sort. That is my way of protecting myself.

Whether this guy was abusive in the past is irrelevant. Something about him demonstrating past abusive behavior is/was alluring to you enough to enter into a romantic relationship with him. So if you prefer to continue to engage in these dynamics in your personal life, you'll need to own that if that is the trend with other men, that it is something that you're drawn to.

And I see you owning it in this thread (with a little bit of waffling...). Which is okay. You're figuring it out. 

[Coily]

10 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't see it that way at all. Some of us (myself included) have grown up in abusive environments and have had a relationship later in life with someone that was emotionally abusive. So there is some insight here.

Wasn't really addressing you, or people who provide insight and anecdotes.

[Jaunty]

I really wouldn't have a serious problem with the "boner" thing under a lot of circumstances.  I just recognize that he was coming on super strong, leading with how sexy you are, and it worked great.  His next move was also very bold and "take charge."   

Again those things are not red flags in and of themselves - but I think that it would be very wise for ANY woman to give themselves a lot of time with a man who approached them this way, to see how he is when the dramatic, powerful courtship part is not first and foremost, before buying in.

The movement called "PUA" is modern, but there have always been "smooth movers," "playboys,"   etc who have all the right stuff to win most women over.   Good for them.  But if you're on the receiving end you will want to see what lies beyond that before you sign up.

Again - not saying this guy is a player or had any ill intentions at all.   

We could just leave all of this aside and still advise you that with your own past and vulnerabilities, we (generally) feel like you would be better off steering clear of a man who has been violent towards women in his (fairly recent) past relationships.  

R&R:  You have a few tendencies, they may be defense mechanisms, in place that allow you to "follow your heart" and "live in the moment," or similar without questioning very much.   

I would like to encourage you to question your intuition more.  Maybe not "question" so much as sit with it for longer than you like to do. 

I am a very intuitive person and the ONLY way I can make a decision is to sit with myself for a long enough time to really feel that.  This includes a lot of observation. 

The reason:  As life has meandered on, I have realized something I did not know when I was young:  Intuition can easily get mixed up with projection or "confirmation bias."   This can happen to people with amazing powers of intuition, or to people with the intuitive senses of a boulder.   Anybody.  

Our pasts, our hopes and desires DO color what we may read as our intuition.  Time and very stark honesty with ourselves are our best helpers with this. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I'm not concerned that you were attracted to him in the beginning. What I DO find concerning is even after you found out he abused his ex you still wanted to be with him, justifying it by telling yourself (and us), "well, that was in his past and he got counseling. And it was probably because his ex did something to 'make' him abuse her. He would never do that with me." Even now you continue to defend him.

It's concerning because you don't seem to recognize this. Although you did say you had even more concerning thoughts you didn't share with this forum. Perhaps you did contact him, or perhaps you had some fantasies about what a strong, masculine man he is and how much that turns you on. I don't know, just spit balling here. I could be far off base.

But I am concerned how you apparently still find him attractive despite knowing he abused his romantic partner. 

I mean, I find Chris Watts physically attractive but that horrible monster murdered his wife and small daughters. Even if he went to years of counseling and got a degree in whatever I could never be with him. And I lost my admiration for Sean Connery when he made that remark about how he thinks women need to be slapped around every so often. That's not cute, funny or attractive. 

I do think you realize how unhealthy it is to be drawn to that man despite him being an abuser (whether past or present). That's good progress.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Something about him demonstrating past abusive behavior is/was alluring to you enough to enter into a romantic relationship with him.

This ^^ is what I was/am asking yoga.  What were these behaviors he was demonstrating that would indicate he was/is abusive?  Being confident?  Sure of himself?  Funny? 

The boner comment was said while on our date, when the energy/chemistry was high and we were BOTH flirting.  It's being taken out of context on this thread, but I am clarifying, it was not offensive, it was funny and I was flirting too!!

He does have somewhat of a dominant personality but not in a bad or negative way.  NOT domineering (like my mom), there's a difference.  

But I was drawn to that too, because I do not have a dominant personality.  Yin and yang and all that.

Is this bad?  Does him being confident, funny with a take-charge, somewhat dominant (but totally respectful) personality translate to him demonstrating abusive behavior?

I am not getting the correlation but maybe that's my problem and what I have to work on to resolve?

I am not sure how to stop myself from being attracted and drawn to a certain type of man - outgoing, extraverted, big personality, confident, funny but ALSO very respectful which he was.  And kind.  He was always kind to me even during and after I ended he relationship.  

I apologize I have not yet read any posts after I read yours yoga which I will do now, perhaps my question has already been answered.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

R&R:  You have a few tendencies, they may be defense mechanisms, in place that allow you to "follow your heart" and "live in the moment," or similar without questioning very much.   

I would like to encourage you to question your intuition more.  Maybe not "question" so much as sit with it for longer than you like to do. 

I am a very intuitive person and the ONLY way I can make a decision is to sit with myself for a long enough time to really feel that.  This includes a lot of observation. 

The reason:  As life has meandered on, I have realized something I did not know when I was young:  Intuition can easily get mixed up with projection or "confirmation bias."   This can happen to people with amazing powers of intuition, or to people with the intuitive senses of a boulder.   Anybody.  

Our pasts, our hopes and desires DO color what we may read as our intuition.  Time and very stark honesty with ourselves are our best helpers with this. 

 

Thank you for this^, and yes it's very true, including the comment in bold about "questioning" and  "sitting with it longer."

I was thinking about this very thing last night and walking to work this morning.  How spontaneous I am and how I don't feel the need to question things too much before I act. 

I really do "go with the moment," whatever I am feeling at that moment, I go with.  I find when I think about something too much, I may overthink my way out of taking any action at all, and end up doing nothing!  Or the wrong thing (for me).

Also, growing up, I got so used to walking on eggshells and being "on edge" all the time, that as an adult in my relationships, it all feels normal to me, I DON'T question it.

I recall telling one of my friends when one of my ex's was constantly criticizing me for one silly thing or another --  "It's not a big deal, I can handle it."   And I meant it!   Same when an angry comment was directed my way.

I literally shrugged it off (I can handle it!), until the time came when I began losing respect for him for NOT being kind like my dad and I dumped him.  

Which again was/is my pattern.  Which is what happened with my recent ex; he did not abuse me, but acknowledging to myself that he did in the past and envisioning him doing so, even now I am shaking thinking about it. 

Like I asked before (rhetorically) - how could he do that???  What type of man feels it's freakin okay to assault (verbally and/or physically) a woman let alone a woman he claims to love?!!

And our last night together, I was shaking and knew then I had lost respect for him and couldn't be with him anymore.

Anyway, this thread has been so tremendously helpful, honestly even more so than some therapy sessions I've had!  

Being able to talk about it openly without judgment really puts things in perspective for me.  Not that my therapists have judged or not been helpful, but I find with therapy, many therapists go "by the book," what they learned in school without having the practical knowledge and experience that many of you have had.

So thanks!

 

 

 

 

[yogacat]

42 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This ^^ is what I was/am asking yoga.  What were these behaviors he was demonstrating that would indicate he was/is abusive?  Being confident?  Sure of himself?  Funny? 

The boner comment was said while on our date, when the energy/chemistry was high and we were BOTH flirting.  It's being taken out of context on this thread, but I am clarifying, it was not offensive, it was funny and I was flirting too!!

He does have somewhat of a dominant personality but not in a bad or negative way.  NOT domineering (like my mom), there's a difference.  

But I was drawn to that too, because I do not have a dominant personality.  Yin and yang and all that.

Is this bad?  Does him being confident, funny with a take-charge, somewhat dominant (but totally respectful) personality translate to him demonstrating abusive behavior?

I am not getting the correlation but maybe that's my problem and what I have to work on to resolve?

I am not sure how to stop myself from being attracted and drawn to a certain type of man - outgoing, extraverted, big personality, confident, funny but ALSO very respectful which he was.  And kind.  He was always kind to me even during and after I ended he relationship.  

I apologize I have not yet read any posts after I read yours yoga which I will do now, perhaps my question has already been answered.

 

The boner comment isn't necessarily predatory. It's just that it was your first outing. Not the worst thing but could be he lacks a bit of a filter and going too hard too fast too soon is a classic rush situation.

It's okay if you didn't feel it was and viewed it as more lighthearted fun but I do understand why some posters flagged that.

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, yogacat said:

The boner comment isn't necessarily predatory. It's just that it was your first outing. Not the worst thing but could be he lacks a bit of a filter and going too hard too fast too soon is a classic rush situation.

I suppose you could say that I also lacked a filter, because it was mutual banter, mutual flirting, we were clicking/connecting, that is all it was.  I said things too!   

I laughed when he said it, again it was NOT offensive at all.  Not to me and this is one of those times where after thinking about it after the fact and now, I still feel the same as I did then.  It was funny.

I suppose it's one of those situations where you "had to be there," but seriously I wish I had never mentioned it.  I appreciate your and everyone's comments but this is such a nothingburger, it had/has no significance to the situation.

 We were both drinking and flirting. 🙂

He was extremely respectful, he walked me home, he gave me his jacket as I was cold, he did NOT "hit on me," in fact it was several dates in before sex was even mentioned and I recall being the first to mention it in a subtle way.

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

It wasn't his behavior in the beginning. It was you being attracted to him even after you knew he had abused his former romantic partner that I found concerning.

Nearly all abusers come across as great guys in the beginning. They wouldn't be able to attract anyone if they acted like their true selves from jump. 

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It wasn't his behavior in the beginning. It was you being attracted to him even after you knew he had abused his former romantic partner that I found concerning.

That is true! 100%.   I brushed it off and yes in retrospect it IS concerning.  That I would brush something like that off.

I totally own that.  It was only after learning about Gabby Petito's story and watching several documentaries that it started to hit me, that my own boyfriend was also an abuser.  Just like Gabby's boyfriend, although he showed no signs of it with me.

My nature and personality is very similar to Gabby's and I totally related to how she handled her boyfriend's outbursts and jealous possessive nature.  By brushing it off!

Not my recent ex, but a couple of my previous boyfriends had that same jealous possessive nature and I brushed it off with them too.  I always tried to "make nice," just like Gabby did.

This thread has become very long but if you recall my early posts, that is why I created the thread and entitled it the way I did, because of Gabby's story.

I think it was later in the thread I mentioned that my now-ex was a former abuser and my wheels started spinning and the more I read about Gabby and watched another documentary and the Lifetime movie, it scared the shyt out of me!!

But yeah you are absolutely correct, I was still very attracted to him after learning of his past, I brushed if off, it had little effect on me other than I appreciated him "owning his shyt" and feeling comfortable and safe enough to share it with me.

And look what happened?  I dumped him because of it....

Which is something I also struggle with.  We encourage our significant others to open up to us, to trust us, and when they do, we hold it against them and in my case I dumped him.

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

We encourage our significant others to open up to us, to trust us, and when they do, we hold it against them and in my case I dumped him.

Well...most of the time in my experience confiding something is not to the level of "I beat my former girlfriend". With my ex husband, for example, he confided that he always felt like the "ugly duckling" of his family and like he was the least favored child. That man didn't confide that he'd had really bad acne as a teen or that he feels insecure sometimes at work. He beat his girlfriend.

That has zero to do with dumping him because he trusted you. I think you know that, though.

I do find it concerning that you still seem to feel like you owe him another chance or that you were wrong to stop dating him. 

Do you still fantasize about him? Do you wish you were still seeing him?

[mylolita]

Hey rainbows! 
 

When you asked above regarding the signs of a potentially dangerous man? 
 

It’s very hard to pin point because intuition or I suppose, good intuition, or being a “good judge of character” is actually such a complex and subconscious thing. They say we make our first judgement and impression on someone extremely quickly - I copied this paragraph from an article:

 

——-

“A series of experiments by Princeton psychologists Janine Willis and Alexander Todorov reveal that all it takes is a tenth of a second to form an impression of a stranger from their face, and that longer exposures don’t significantly alter those impressions (although they might boost your confidence in your judgments). Their research is presented in their article “First Impressions,” in the July issue of Psychological Science.”

——-

It’s almost primal how we judge. Also, when you meet someone in real life, you are taking in their tone of voice, body language; yes appearance but also consciously and subconsciously the way they smell. 
 

I’d say varied social experience makes judgements more accurate but also simply being healthy minded and having a good trust in your intuition, and that your gut feelings are right. 
 

I read a story once about a woman who went on a date. She was so unnerved by the guy opposite her that she made an excuse, called her brother to pick her up and left the restaurant immediately without even telling him she was going. Her date turned out to be the serial killer lawyer Ted Bundy. Some women were obviously seduced by him and weren’t so lucky. Why did she feel that way and so soon, and potentially others didn’t?

It’s one of life’s great mysteries and is often put down to having a “6th sense”. Or; “street smarts”. An essential sense of survival and judgement. And especially an essential instinct for a women to have. 
 

A man being confident, strong, bold, funny, assertive - none of these things have to have anything to do with him being potentially dangerous. So many great and decent men have just these qualities, so those traits alone are not indications of a bad apple at all in my opinion. Not at all! 
 

I suppose there is no clear cut answer; but my only suggestion is often what people technically say doesn’t really matter that much - it’s their tone and how they say it and how they look when they say it that is important. Which personally, for me, is an argument why you can’t really get to know anyone or have a true sense of someone’s identity over the internet, without meeting them in real life. 
 

There are very subtle social clues that give away people’s true thoughts and intentions. It’s so expansive it would be hard to even quantify; and they do differ from person to person as well, I think bloomin’ confusing the matter even more. 
 

I would say within reason, if you get a “bad feeling” about someone or, something doesn’t quite sit right with you - you have to trust that, don’t try to think it away. I think your feelings are there for a reason.

 

You seem to have mixed emotions regarding your ex and that’s very understandable but, you have also had very physical reactions of fear and maybe even revulsion towards him which you did well not to ignore!

 

x

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well...most of the time in my experience confiding something is not to the level of "I beat my former girlfriend"

You're right but that is not how the conversation went.  We were discussing our prior relationship history and he told me that he and his ex had a very toxic relationship and there was physical violence involved after a night of partying and drinking.

The cops were called and he was arrested and released.

He said it was a huge wake up call for him and he decided to seek therapy and turn his life around.  As I mentioned, he went back to school, earned his degree and is now counseling other men who struggle with the same propensity for domestic violence as he did.

Bolt, I have owned a lot of shyt in this thread, I have taken responsibility for many mistakes I have made and poor judgment.

I ask now that you at least try to put yourself in my shoes - we had been dating awhile when this came out and I was already extremely attracted to him!  We had been sexually intimate by then and mutually bonded.

So when he told me this, given my feelings at that time, my very first thought was how much I appreciated him sharing this with me, taking that risk and trusting me with that information.   

I am STILL attracted to him!  I am not one to who can simply turn off feelings and attraction AFTER those feelings have already been established even after learning something like this.  It takes a while for it all to "sink in," and to acknowledge what the HELL am I getting myself into!

You have admitted yourself that you remained with an ex who was unkind and disrespectful, and I am going to venture to say you remained for the same reasons why I initially did.  I never judged you for that, I understood it.

To my credit, it wasn't long after he disclosed this information when I woke up, began thinking logically and ended the relationship.

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That has zero to do with dumping him because he trusted you. I think you know that, though.

I do find it concerning that you still seem to feel like you owe him another chance or that you were wrong to stop dating him. 

Do you still fantasize about him? Do you wish you were still seeing him?

I will be honest, I do NOT like the tone of this post, I sense a very strong judgment here and I did not come here for that.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, but either some people like the post above are not reading my posts or don't understand them.

I don't mean to be rude, but I am going to hide this thread now.

It's going in a direction I was hoping it did not go.

Thanks again everyone.

Ciao.,

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

You have admitted yourself that you remained with an ex who was unkind and disrespectful, and I am going to venture to say you remained for the same reasons why I initially did.

Exactly, which is why I recognize the signs of minimizing, justifying, etc. It's hard for me to see someone else struggling with the same situation. If I can possibly help them I will try.

I am not attracted to my toxic ex anymore, not even physically. When I think of him I feel revulsion and repulsed, not attracted. But I have the benefit of a LOT of time having passed. Right after it ended? Yeah, I even told a friend I would happily be the one he turned to when his relationship with the much younger woman he'd dumped me for turned bad. Jeez. Big time cringe. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I will be honest, I do NOT like the tone of this post, I sense a very strong judgment here and I did not come here for that.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, but either some people like the post above are not reading my posts or don't understand them.

I don't mean to be rude, but I am going to hide this thread now.

It's going in a direction I was hoping it did not go.

Thanks again everyone.

Ciao.,

 

Not judgment, it's concern. There was a recent post update here in this forum where the daughter of a previous poster told us he'd committed suicide. That's extremely distressing and upsetting. (No, I do not think you're even close to that point. Just an example of how things can be upsetting and even frightening).

You're a young woman with the world at your feet. I feel that man is no good for you.

I'm sorry that my tone was excessively harsh. Not my intent.

[rainbowsandroses]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I am not attracted to my toxic ex anymore, not even physically. When I think of him I feel revulsion and repulsed, not attracted.

Yes and I hope and trust that someday soon I will get there too.   Right now I am not there, it's still very fresh. 

Also remember he did not abuse ME, which makes it more difficult.  If he had abused ME, it would be an entirely different story.  

But I have only good memories with him, so again it's going to be a bit more difficult but I am sure eventually, my feelings will pass.

However, I have dumped him and moving forward, and I think that speaks for something.  

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 some people like the post above are not reading my posts or don't understand them.I don't mean to be rude, but I am going to hide this thread now.

I don't blame you.  There's a difference between a discussion and what's going on in some of these threads just for the sake of stirring the pot.