Story of Gabby Petito...

[rainbowsandroses]

Hi guys, after the recent incident with my ex-husband, and with the help of my therapist, I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, so I ask that you bear with me here. 

Is anyone familiar with the story of Gabby Petito?  Below is a brief summary from wiki.com if not familiar.

>>On August 2021, 22-year-old American woman Gabrielle Venora Petito was killed by her fiancé Brian Christopher Laundrie while they were traveling together on a vanlife journey across the United States. The trip was planned to last for four months and began on July 2, 2021, but Petito disappeared on August 27.<<

I recently had a chance to read all the details of their relationship and what led to her boyfriend/fiancé murdering her by violently "strangling and throttling" her. 

I see A LOT of myself in Gabby and through watching several documentaries and reading about, it scared the shyt outta me!  

She was a young and upcoming social media influencer which I am NOT and never was, however she was an extremely easy-going, "free-spirit" who saw the good in everyone, loved travel and adventure and tried to make the best of every situation, which IS me.  

As such when her boyfriend became extremely jealous and at times violent with a wicked temper, she brushed it off. 

She made light of it.  Even after the first time he struck her in the face, she blamed herself!  Telling the police SHE started the fight.

The police almost arrested HER!  Deeming her boyfriend the victim.  But they didn't, they issued a 24 hour NC for both instead.

His unrelenting jealousy and their fights continued.  HE admitted it was due to his insecurity and that he always felt "out of her league."

I experienced this same jealousy in my relationships and like Gabby always brushed it off or tried to appease, make light of it. 

If you recall, my ex didn't like my friendship with a male friend who I have been friends with for YEARS and almost "ordered" me to end it, which I strongly considered and almost did!  

Justifying it as "giving up a little bit of myself for him and the relationship."

There were other times when he would verbally abuse me (two times physically), and I tried to brush it off and 'make nice' once he cooled off.

Saying things like "are we friends again"?  In a girlish, cutesy way -- now that I think back, arghhh!!!

Finally one day, something clicked, it was over something minor but it was enough to say to myself- this is BS, I am done!  And walked out.

I did not talk with him, I left a note and left, immediately changed my phone number and allowed him no access to me!

Gabby on the other hand DID talk to her fiance and ended it after which he became so enraged he strangled and throttled her to death, and buried her remains.

Several weeks later, he was found in a remote area with a single gunshot in his head - suicide.

Not sure why now but her story hit me harder than any other story I've read about abuse.

I was and have been in such a state of denial, if you recall my past threads when someone asked why my marriage ended, I'd brush it off saying "WE married too soon, WE couldn't handle the pressure" blah blah it was all BS!!

My ex-husband and previous boyfriends before him were abusers!  In some form or fashion.  There is just no denying this anymore.

I've mentioned before but I was raised by an abusive mom and at times distant dad, this was my "norm." 

My coping strategy was to shove the negative feelings down, and try to make nice with my mom, try to please her. 

Anyway, I am posting this for anyone reading who sees themselves in Gabby Petito and in me, always the "cool girl," the "nice girl" trying to make the best of BAD situations and living in denial as a means to cope.

Thanks for reading and listening. And feel free to contribute your own stories!

Through our experiences, perhaps we all have something to learn. 💛

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Oh yes.  Very familiar with this tragic, horrific, story.  I have known women like this for many years -who rationalize and justify disrespectful/bad behavior -and worse.  There have been times I've tried to help -often with little success because as you know when the person is enmeshed in it....I also take your point of the downside of being so "free" and trusting and "kumbaya".  "You only live once" "if it feels right do it".  And there also are downsides to being too rigid.  Missing out.  Missing out on personal growth.  

Such a sad story -isn't there a current legal action -her parents against his??

Came back to edit. Ironically I'm reading a debut novel on this sort of topic.  Radiant Heat.  Check it out.

[yogacat]

46 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

My ex-husband and previous boyfriends before him were abusers!  In some form or fashion.  There is just no denying this anymore.

I've had ONE bad romantic relationship. Verbally and emotionally abusive but never physically (fortunately). Why is it, that each of your relationships had these issues? What attracts you to these abusive men or testosterone captors? Why do you continue to stay past the first sign?

Of course we can connect it to childhood but at what point do you realize the problem before it happens? Or are we inclined to act on an obvious inclination only for it to end badly, every time? How do you mentally reconcile then, a person with a pattern of behavior? C'mon, you really can't call it "love" after multiple instances, can you? And what must you really think of yourself to continue to engage in this "incarceration"? To blender about change which never comes, and this goes on for years until it's just easier to take the abuse than strike out on your own and be responsible for yourself?

I ask these questions with love and the very real relevance of the situation. We have to tackle the problems, because as we all know, that is the only way they are ever properly overcome. And just maybe, you can EARN your man, and his respect. But NEVER by being anyone's victim.

[rainbowsandroses]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I also take your point of the downside of being so "free" and trusting and "kumbaya".  "You only live once" "if it feels right do it".  

Yup, that's me pretty much, you got it!  AND Gabby.

Shoving all the negative down, in favor of "seeing the positive."  Remaining "positive." 

Positive energy = positive results.  Ugh.

What a bunch of horseshyt excuse my not so beautiful french.

I am rethinking my entire value system now, everything I've believed about "positive energy," "living in the moment," being "detached from the outcome."

Look where it got Gabby and that actually could have been me had I chosen to stay and/or handled the end differently.

Scary shyt.

Not sure about any lawsuits between the parents - I'll have to look into that.

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yup, that's me pretty much, you got it!  AND Gabby.

Shoving all the negative down, in favor of "seeing the positive."  Remaining "positive." 

Positive energy = positive results.  Ugh.

What a bunch of horseshyt excuse my not so beautiful french.

I am rethinking my entire value system now, everything I've believed about "positive energy," "living in the moment," being "detached from the outcome."

Look where it got Gabby and that actually could have been me had I chosen to stay and/or handling the end differently.

Scary shyt.

Not sure about any lawsuits between the parents - I'll have to look into that.

 

I think most of us balance it and balance it at different points in their lives. My more rigid approach resulted in - my dream career coming to fruition, which led to my meeting my husband, which allowed me to be a SAHM without feeling financially vulnerable and allows me now to be choosy about where I work and if I work without feeling like I have to depend on my husband -he is completely good with being the provider should that ever be needed and my preference is to feel financially independent and comfortable in my own right which I have for about 28 years. 

But I had to be very very flexible if I wanted to be a married mom to the right person in the right circumstances and seize the moment and all that.  And I was.  To be a good parent I balance what you are referring to if not daily then several times a week.  I was in a couple of risky situations with men because of wanting to be cool/poor choices/etc.  I get it.  

[rainbowsandroses]

15 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I ask these questions with love and the very real relevance of the situation.

Thanks @yogacatand I am asking myself these questions too.  Why am I so drawn to such men?  

I actually felt myself becoming "turned on" when they got angry at me!  Or challenged me about something I was doing, as sick and twisted as that sounds! 

I hated it but loved it.

I wonder if it was the same for Gabby because she was extremely into and drawn to this man and got engaged after 8 months. 

I'm wondering if it's the contrast in personalities -  their intensity versus my easy-beezy, live in the moment attitude.

I don't know but in the process of figuring it out with the help of a really good therapist I found. 

[Kwothe28]

I read about case a bit. There is a "Lifetime movie" about it apparently. Will maybe check it out. But as I understand, he claimed in a diary that she injured herself and that he gave her "merciful death" like she is some animal. Very disturbed individual. 

Anyway, you never know with cases like that. My high school classmate was killed by her ex. He straight up murdered her and her cousin with the gun to the head. They were going back to home, he stopped them, they have gone somewhere else and started arguing. Then he murdered both of them. Even went out with a search party tomorrow. He was very peaceful individual by all accounts. Didnt drink, do drugs or even smoked cigs. But, by the looks of it, also very disturbed one. We dont have the killings in same number as Americans do. But every now and then, cases like that happen. 

Anyway, the kind of cases like domestic violence should be at least documented and reported. Hope you will never go through it again. But I do implore you to at least contact the police and authorities in case that you do. Even if they dont do anything about it it should still be documented.

Also, I think this is maybe why the issues occure

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've mentioned before but I was raised by an abusive mom and at times distant dad, this was my "norm." 

 

If you got used to a mess and abuse, that is the norm you would seek later through life. hope you explored this in a therapy so it wouldnt happen again.

[Batya33]

Just now, rainbowsandroses said:

Thanks @yogacatand I am asking myself these questions too.  Why am I so drawn to such men?  

I actually felt myself becoming "turned on" when they got angry at me!  Or challenged me about something I was doing, as sick and twisted as that sounds! 

I hated it but loved it.

I wonder if it was the same for Gabby because she was extremely into and drawn to this man and got engaged after 8 months. 

I'm wondering if it's the contrast in personalities -  their intensity versus my easy-beezy, live in the moment attitude.

I don't know but in the process of figuring it out with a really good therapist I found. 

Not to be broken record but literally this novel -Radiant Heat -protagonist is an artist and she I believe uses this very sort of description.

I don't think it's about contrasts.  Intensity might be part of the personality attributes but a person who abuses another person is with rare exception - an unstable person.  Often deeply insecure.  So for example in a relationship between healthy people one might be intense - like in general - often analyzing more than average, stressed more than average, driven - while the other one is a good contrast if she or he goes with the flow more. 

But with two healthy people this contrast plays out in respectful ways.  One person is willing to stop and listen to the other's different perspective on a decision -like about how to spend money, where or when to travel, how to handle a work or interpersonal siuation. 

But in your case the pull was based on how the contrast played out - he was intense yes but it played out by treating you with disrespect and worse.  For some reason you felt you deserved this treatment and maybe you misunderstod it as masculine -a turn on.

[boltnrun]

What I find frustrating is when confronted with the reality that they're in an abusive relationship and are advised to leave, so many women say "But I LOVE him!!!" or "We've been together X number of months/years and I don't want it to all be for nothing" or "I don't give up so easily (after the fifth or sixth beating)", "It's not that easy!" or my personal favorite, "I'm afraid to be 'alone'."  And when asked what it is they love about a man who abuses them they say "He has many wonderful qualities" or "He can be so sweet!"  Sure, in between beatings he bought you a flower once or gave you a glass of water.  Big whoop.  Doesn't make up for being beaten.

And I get especially frustrated when they're exposing their children to an abusive monster.  If they're into being abused, fine, but don't subject innocent children to abuse.  We all know how that ends up.

I'm not unsympathetic.  I know it's extremely complicated.  But there's help out there.  More and more abuse is being seen and addressed.  

I grew up with a mother who withheld affection and who treated me like an annoyance she was forced to deal with so it's sometimes been a rough journey.  Fortunately I have only dated a couple of selfish, lying jerks.  Never been abused, thankfully.

I have watched a few documentaries about that murdering a-hole, Chris Watts.  It icks me out that I find him visually attractive, but that POS murdered his wife AND his daughters.  No forgiveness for that.

[rainbowsandroses]

Recently I made a post in another thread.  The OP was @Pumpkinsabout her live-in boyfriend gaslighting her saying things like "I've sacrificed so much for you" etc.

Literally everyone advised her to get rid, he was gaslighting, guilt-tripping, mooching off her and other negative attributes.

Note MY response, calling on her understanding and empathy! 

This is my problem!  Always trying to see the good, justifying the bad.  In her case by saying, HE is hurting and in pain! 

@Pumpkins, if you're reading, toss my response in the trash and just walk away.

 

[boltnrun]

@rainbowsandroses, have you ever looked into codependency?  Not the misperception that so many people have (that it means an especially enmeshed relationship) but the actual real definition?  I tended to be codependent so I attended a support group.  Helped a LOT.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

@rainbowsandroses, have you ever looked into codependency?  Not the misperception that so many people have (that it means an especially enmeshed relationship) but the actual real definition?  I tended to be codependent so I attended a support group.  Helped a LOT.

I'm exploring many things with my new therapist now, I will mention it to her, thanks. 

My current boyfriend is an ex-abuser!  He has "recovered" and now counsels other abusers. 

Oh the irony of that, I don't even know how I feel about it other than I AM very drawn to him.

Can one even recover from being an abuser? 

[yogacat]

I don't know,

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I actually felt myself becoming "turned on" when they got angry at me!  Or challenged me about something I was doing, as sick and twisted as that sounds! 

I hated it but loved it.

I wonder if it was the same for Gabby because she was extremely into and drawn to this man and got engaged after 8 months. 

I'm wondering if it's the contrast in personalities -  their intensity versus my easy-beezy, live in the moment attitude.

I don't know but in the process of figuring it out with the help of a really good therapist I found. 

It is common for people to become aroused by power dynamics and being challenged or dominated in a relationship. This can stem from various psychological factors such as low self-esteem or a preference for a more intense and controlling partner. I'm the opposite, when I sniff it I run for the hills. In the one bad relationship I had, I was young and naive and thought it was a sign of love, now I know better. At least I hope.🤞

Unfortunately, I am a bit too sensitive if I sense that someone is a bit aggressive, or intense, or controlling, or argumentative, I run. 

[rainbowsandroses]

59 minutes ago, yogacat said:

This can stem from various psychological factors such as low self-esteem or a preference for a more intense and controlling partner.

Again THIS^^ was my mom, it's my norm. 

Contrary to what @boltnrunwrote about other women justifying staying because "I just love him so much," the issue for me is that I was comfortable with the tension, the chaos, again my norm.

Telling myself I can handle it, I had learned how to deal with it like a pro -  how to distance myself when necessary, how to "detach."

Now I have to reprogram my mindset and learn how to feel comfortable and "turned on" by calm! 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can one even recover from being an abuser? 

I would say it's very individual.  It's like being an alcoholic.  They never stop being an addict but they can stop the behavior of drinking.  And if they address the reasons behind why they became an addict I understand they have better success. 

Also, they have to be able to manage their tendencies that led them to enjoy their bad behavior.  I am a firm believer that abusers abuse because they like it.  They get off on having power over a helpless woman and/or children.  They enjoy seeing them cower, cry, tiptoe around. And if his abused woman tells him she loves him?  Cherry on top.

My selfish, lying, mean ex acted selfish and mean because he liked it.  You should have seen him say something he knew would be hurtful and then tilt his head back, the better to watch my reaction.  If I cried he would look at me with contempt and turn away.  Every woman he's ever been involved with was treated that way.  He also enjoyed being verbally abused, so he took it and he gave it.  Sick individual. He physically abused some of his girlfriends (not me, although we did have one physical altercation.  And yes, I stayed after that.  Guess he was abusive after all.)   Thankfully he is out of my life and has been for ten years.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, boltnrun said:

If I cried he would look at me with contempt and turn away. 

This^^ was not me, I basically just distanced myself and detached. 

I chose to never act weak in response, that was my only saving grace I think. 

I would distance and detach then attempt to "make nice" later. 

[Seraphim]

I am glad my mom finally left my dad before she ended up dead. 

[Seraphim]

I still remember being 5 or 6 thereabouts and my dad trying to run down my mother with the car. I was a passenger in the car and he was trying to kill her chasing her in a parking lot with the car. He smack her and punched her and did all kinds of stuff. The last time he ever hit her I was 16 and I attacked him . 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

.Note MY response, calling on her understanding and empathy! 

Yes noticed that. It's great you're exploring this in therapy. While this was a particularly high profile case, the most frequent perpetrators of female homicides are intimate partners.

Please also try not to lean into manosphere (misogyny) thinking too much including a lot of PUA vocabulary and notions. (Alpha, push-pull, etc.) It's  noticeable but perhaps unconscious. 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please also try not to lean into manosphere (misogyny) thinking too much including a lot of PUA vocabulary and notions. (Alpha, push-pull, etc.) It's  noticeable but perhaps unconscious. 

Thank you Wise, I am no longer reading that garbage, I find it toxic and NOT conducive to anything even remotely healthy.  Not that I'm an expert on healthy but I know it's not that. 

I used to find it interesting but now it literally makes me feel like vomiting.

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

There is a "Lifetime movie" about it apparently...

@Kwothe28 I haven't seen it but just found the Lifetime Movie app and will watch it tomorrow, thanks for mentioning.

The documentary I watched was on Peacock (my new favorite app) and another on DiscoveryPlus.  

Real life footage and interviews with Gabby and her fiancé before and during their travels, the tensions, the abuse and interviews with friends and family.  And the police investigation.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But as I understand, he claimed in a diary that she injured herself and that he gave her "merciful death" like she is some animal. Very disturbed individual. 

Yeah, that was written in his "notebook" as it's referred to.  It's all BS as everyone knows, she died from strangulation and "throttling," a very personal and violent way to murder someone.

May she RIP, she was only 22.  

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

...I am rethinking my entire value system now,

Great work, RR. This is a healthy milestone. I've done two rounds of it, about 20 years apart. I took from the experience that while everything is up for grabs, on examination, some aspects of prior thinking can still work with adjustments for proper use, as opposed to adopting literal thinking or an over-correction toward an extreme opposite.

For instance, I think our first experiment with questioning values is during puberty. That period is filled with kids adopting opposites of their parents' teachings. Yet, even while parents can be flawed and often 'wrong' about a lot of things, applying a broad brush of opposites is how kids often find their first legal troubles. 🙂 

Quote

...everything I've believed about "positive energy," "living in the moment," being "detached from the outcome."

I hear. I had to face off with these, too. I've misused them at times to suit my own agenda. It was harder to admit that my agenda was the problem.

One guideline that has helped me is that cults embrace extremes, while critical thinkers can find a range of balance between extremes. Balance is always harder to grasp, achieve and maintain, but it's worth the extra effort.

[rainbowsandroses]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Great work, RR. This is a healthy milestone. I've done two rounds of it, about 20 years apart. I took from the experience that while everything is up for grabs, on examination, some aspects of prior thinking can still work with adjustments for proper use, as opposed to adopting literal thinking or an over-correction toward an extreme opposite.

For instance, I think our first experiment with questioning values is during puberty. That period is filled with kids adopting opposites of their parents' teachings. Yet, even while parents can be flawed and often 'wrong' about a lot of things, applying a broad brush of opposites is how kids often find their first legal troubles. 🙂 

I hear. I had to face off with these, too. I've misused them at times to suit my own agenda. It was harder to admit that my agenda was the problem.

One guideline that has helped me is that cults embrace extremes, while critical thinkers can find a range of balance between extremes. Balance is always harder to grasp, achieve and maintain, but it's worth the extra effort.

Thank you!  Not sure why, but your post brought me to tears, and am now crying. 

Don't feel badly, it's all good.  They're realization tears.

I miss my brother so much, I wonder if he's guiding me from another higher place?  Because honestly this is all pretty sudden.  This realization that I was abused, I have been in complete denial for YEARS.

Downplaying, rationalizing, shuffling under the rug.  On social media when I was active on it, I would call one of my ex's "my rock," I elevated him to near god-like status.

In reality, he was an extremely controlling and manipulative drug addicted alcoholic! 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Thank you!  Not sure why, but your post brought me to tears, and am now crying. 

Don't feel badly, it's all good.  They're realization tears.

I miss my brother so much, I wonder if he's guiding me from another higher place?  Because honestly this is all pretty sudden.  This realization that I was abused, I have been in complete denial for YEARS.

Downplaying, rationalizing, shuffling under the rug.  On social media when I was active on it, I would call one of my ex's "my rock," I elevated him to near god-like status.

In reality, he was an extremely controlling and manipulative drug addicted alcoholic! 

I understand, and I'm so sorry for your loss of your brother. I often speak out loud to my loved ones who've passed. It really helps me to consider what they'd want for me. I think of them as my guard rails or guide posts, and I feel like I have a team helping me to navigate through the tough stuff.

(((Big HUG))), RR.

[rainbowsandroses]

Bat, don't be sad for me okay?

I appreciate it but this is all good!  I'm ready to heal now!  And be happy. 

I may start a journal to document my journey, like Gabby did with her blog and SM.

I feel really inspired by her tragic story, it lit a fire in me, probably because I can relate to her so much. 

We even look alike!  And we're both from affluent areas in NY.  Free-spirited adventurers. 

I've traveled cross-country a couple of times, and spent a year traveling through Europe.  Documenting my travels in a journal that my dad wanted to publish! 

But thank you for your compassion I appreciate it. 😀