The Return of the Ghost

[CaptainSingle]

I dated someone (41) and to make the story short—we dated for about 4 months and when I brought up wanting to move forward and possibly be in a relationship, he said he didn’t want that right now—at least that’s what I got from what he said. I tried to meet up to talk through things and he totally ghosted me. I hadn’t heard from him in over a month. He contacted me yesterday and apologized for the ghosting. He said he didn’t want to deal with my wrath. We spoke on the phone and I asked what he wanted from me. His answer was still kind of wishy washy. He said that he hoped that we could get back to where we were. On one hand, I feel like talking to him again will give him exactly what he wanted before…which was to string me along until he was ready to be exclusive. At the same time, I don’t want to be in a relationship with him right now either. 
 Him ghosting me was out of left field. Him coming back is even more surprising. His reasoning for ghosting is confusing and I’m not sure I buy it. I don’t want to end up where I was before with him but I also don’t want to miss out on something that could be great.

Last we spoke, he said he wanted me think about things. This was after I said I also would be open to rekindling.  

[Batya33]

I would tell him when he is ready to be in an exclusive potentially serious relationship with you you would love to hear from him and if you're still interested and available you'll consider it.  Then you can talk about how he would react again if you got frustrated and/or if you overreacted.

[tattoobunnie]

15 minutes ago, CaptainSingle said:

His answer was still kind of wishy washy.

Sounds like he's just horny and bored and wants attention.

[smackie9]

OK so this guy's response to a relationship conversation was to disappear for over a month and then divert blame on YOU saying he didn't want to deal with YOUR wrath. How stupid does that sound to you? This guy doesn't deserve your attention let alone answering his messages. He's an immature twit. He insulted you and your intelligence for Chr^% sakes. Block/delete, don't respond to him. Lose his number. 

[catfeeder]

Consider whether a partner who would walk away and shut you down in the face of a disagreement is really the kind of partner you envision for your future. Could you ever trust this guy to speak freely about future goals and family planning?

Why wouldn't your trust meter sink to an all time low with someone who would ghost you? 

I don't find that charming, do you?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, CaptainSingle said:

 His reasoning for ghosting is confusing and I’m not sure I buy it. I don’t want to end up where I was before with him but I also don’t want to miss out on something that could be great

Please take care of yourself and your heart. Unfortunately he seems to want a revolving door relationship where he drops by then disappears as needed, like a stray cat. While in itself casual is ok, but hopefully it's not taking up space or replacing what you actually want. 

[LootieTootie]

I remembered you first post about this guy and you are STILL wasting your time. Do know that if he wanted you, he would have already made it happened.

Once you realize all this, it will be easier to let go and stopped being taken advantage of.

Love yourself and be kind to yourself. This guy is all kinds of bad for you.

 

[Sindy_0311]

 

6 hours ago, CaptainSingle said:

we dated for about 4 months

Hi, could you please give a bit of context about your 4 month of dating? How was the relationship? How often were you seeing each other? Were you going out? Did you have sex? Did you meet any of his fiends, family? Was he kind or considerate with you? Did he buy you gifts? Did he at some point mentioned his future with you involved? Where you both on the same page? Were you exclusive? Etc etc… 
Im asking because I think it’s important to consider all these factors, to observe before suggesting making things official…

[ShySoul]

What do you want? I think so many people get hung up on trying to figure out what the other person is doing/thinking/wanting, that they stop thinking about what it is they want. He's not the focus, you are. Do you want things as they were? Or do you want more? Or even the possibility of more? Given that you brought up being in a relationship before and that you view things as they were as being "strung along" it doesn't sound like you were satified with what you had. You seem to want more then he is willing to give. Going back to him in the hope that he might eventually change his mind is setting yourself up to be disappointed. Unless he comes out as says he's ready to be exclusive, and then proves it with his actions, it doesn't seem like he wants the same thing you want.

Also remember his reaction back then wasn't just saying he didn't want that right now. To quote your previous post: "He also got upset and said that he didn’t like when people gave him ultimatums." He blamed you and got mad at you for wanting to have a real discussion about where things were going. He then disappeared on you. And when he came back, he tried to deflect responsibility on you and your "wraith." This doesn't sound like a guy that is going to leave you fulfilled and happy in the long term. 

[poorlittlefish]

He's not that into you.  If he was, the decision to become official after a more than ample 4 months would have been an easy one.  You're not Miss Right, you're just Miss Right Now.  He just wants to coast along without any commitment and my bet would be that if someone else catches his attention, he'd be off.  

[Kwothe28]

18 hours ago, CaptainSingle said:

We spoke on the phone and I asked what he wanted from me. His answer was still kind of wishy washy. He said that he hoped that we could get back to where we were. 

He just wants casual sex. He ghosted you because he had other options but now wants back because those other options probably run out so he wants back. Have a little more self- respect and dont allow that kind of behavior. Say "No thanks" and move on from the player.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What do you want? I think so many people get hung up on trying to figure out what the other person is doing/thinking/wanting, that they stop thinking about what it is they want. He's not the focus, you are.

Yes, exactly. We see this all the time. The goal gets lost. Instead of staying focused on finding an ideal match, it gets reduced to 'winning at all costs' the attention and dates from someone with no qualms about mistreating them. 

[MissCanuck]

Eh, he's probably recently stopped seeing someone and is seeing if you'll still take the bait and give him attention. 

I would not bother with this guy at all. 

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The goal gets lost. Instead of staying focused on finding an ideal match, it gets reduced to 'winning at all costs' the attention and dates from someone with no qualms about mistreating them. 

Think people should flip that around. If the person isn't treating you well or giving you what you want out of the relationship, seeing them isn't winning, it's actually losing. You're losing out on time and energy that could be better spent doing any number of things that would actually make you happy. 

At the same time, I'd say don't be too focused on finding the ideal match either. Things are rarely ideal and it's easy to get caught up in expecting things to be exactly like you envision. Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Key is to set boundaries of what is okay and what is unacceptable. Accept that people are human and make mistakes, but the same repeated mistakes or behavior that crosses a line is a sign that they aren't worth it.

[Superstickyone]

Is this guy showing up now because he's lonely/horny?  Seems odd that he pops up out of the blue.  He probably pursued another woman during that time & it didn't work out.  Now he's back seeing if you will overlook his ghosting behavior.  Just talking on the phone with him says there is an open door.  The excuse for his ghosting was rather lame and wholly unbelievable.  I think he made it up because his other pursuits didn't work out.

He should have at least told you he needed time away and explained what was going on.  He does not appear to have adequate relationship skills.