Am I being gaslit by my bf (37M) or did he sacrifice it all to be w/ me (27F)?

[Pumpkins]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We started dating when I was in medical school. I was forced to move to a really small town in the middle of nowhere 6 months into our relationship and my boyfriend followed me. He left his job and told me that he left it because it was a toxic work environment, not just because I had to move. That year, it was difficult for him to find a job in the middle of nowhere. The following year I had the choice to live somewhere else, I gave him the option to either live in NYC (my hometown) or his hometown, he chose NYC because there were more job opportunities for his career, and he was hoping I might match into residency there after graduating medical school. We lived there for a year and things were good, then I matched into residency in the middle of nowhere place again, this time being forced to stay there for 4 years.

 

Now that I’m in the middle of nowhere, he tells me he sacrificed so much for me whenever we fight and that I don’t show appreciation for it. He says because I chose to live in NYC during that one year, he spent all of his life savings there just to be with me.

 

In this middle of nowhere town, he tells me several times a week when I come home from work (I’m a resident intern – busy schedule), how miserable and unhappy he is living here, having no friends, no job, nothing to do. I encourage him to apply for jobs but he says that he isn’t willing to go backwards in life and work demeaning jobs that would hurt his mental health (blue collar work or retail-which is most of the jobs in the middle of nowhere town). He has been very depressed. As a resident intern, I have a modest salary, and I spend every dime of it on us, I pay for 100% of the bills (groceries, rent, utilities, outings, activities) and we have been here for about 8 months now. I even got a house with a yard (for his dog), the house has an entire office for him to be comfortable in to work from home/job search while I’m at work. If I was alone, I would’ve gotten an apartment because it’s cheaper and I have significant education loans to pay off.  He says often that I need to show more passion/love in our relationship to show appreciation for all the sacrifices he has made to follow me around the country. But I think I’m showing passion by being supportive of him and providing for him, we also go on a lot of dates. On a side note, this also frustrates me at times as well because he's always wanting to go out (multiple times per week) for dinners/bars/activities, which I feel is partially because he is not fulfilled right now. I enjoy it, but sometimes it feels like a lot, I don't get how that is not showing passion?

 

He says that paying for things isn’t passion, it’s to help him get back on his feet until he can find an actual job. But I’m offended he’s not willing to take blue collar work to just help out a little bit, even a few hundred dollars would help. I got him a job interview at the place I work but they only wanted a full time employee, and he wasn’t willing to work full time. He wanted a part time gig so he could work on his true career passion on the side, so he wasn't hired. This really frustrates me.

 

Note: he does do a lot for me, passion-wise, I guess compared to me. He doesn’t work though and has more time than I do. He plans fun things to do, cleans the house, often will cook dinner a few times a week, tells me how beautiful I am and gives me lots of affection, attention, love. I could do more, but sometimes it feels like I’m not feeling passionate after working many hours in a week (often 60+).

 

I don’t know what to do, I feel lost, who is even in the wrong here, it feels so complicated and I just feel this bitterness growing in me for some reason and I don’t know why I would feel this way about someone I love so much.

[Batya33]

I relocated after 43 years in NYC 800 miles for my husband's job. Because we were married (and new parents) and because I was ready to leave my career of 15 years to be a SAHM for at least a couple of years.  I knew when I started dating my husband I'd likely have to be the one to relocate for his career which requires that sort of flexibility.  This was in 2008-09. 

What are the goals for you two? Marriage? Some kind of long term commitment? Is there an imbalance there? What does he want? He seems to regret his decision -is long distance possible?

[tattoobunnie]

He sounds like an ambitionless mooch house husband.  I am not a fan of him constantly telling you how he moved for you over your head. That's just gross and boring and a DRAG.  You pay 100%? He should be embarrassed.  The man is 37, not 17.  It's one thing if he's taking care of your kids, but to nag you after you've been on your feet all day saving lives that you don't "light up" for him. Gross.  That boy needs a job.  

[Coily]

1. He sounds like the stereotypical shrewish wife, you know "I could have been a model, but I gave it all up for you." Which is what he is doing by complaining about not having the perfect career, if you two had kids (which I advise against right now) it would be one thing if he was doing what he's doing. However the fact that he is poo-pooing blue collar work (some of which can and does make mad money, especially in the "middle of nowhere"). I won't slam him too hard, if he is doing all of the domestic stuff and not running up massive debt. In that regard he's a kept man, and if you both agree there is nothing wrong with that.
2. I will agree with him in that just buying stuff (dinners, going places) isn't passion. It's going through the motions, and while you have a lot on your plate, I don't think it's unfair for him to want a spark or two. Now it doesn't need to be every day you make passionate love to each other, but maybe something low key that is out of the ordinary. Like a nice romantic picnic?
3. You are resentful towards him, because you think that he as a man "Must" be doing something productive and contribute fiscally to the household. As you have the higher earning potential, even if he got out and worked, would this still be a point of friction between the two of you, or any man?
4. When you say the middle of nowhere, are we talking middle of kansas with one blinking light for hundred of miles, or just where people don't poop in the streets? In other words is there really nothing there, or have the two of you not been able to appreciate the local culture and learned how to assimilate?

[smackie9]

I would tell him to go find a different life then. I would also tell him how dare he blame you for any of this when he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions. And how dear he selfishly dump his misery on you when you have been supporting his a$$/entertaining him on your dime. He's unhappy...ship his a$$ off to the curb. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Pumpkins said:

...he tells me he sacrificed so much for me whenever we fight and that I don’t show appreciation for it.

You're too smart for this. I'd tell him to take his 'sacrifices' and move back to his home city or wherever else he chooses.

He's a grown man. When someone WANTS to thrive, they adopt a thriving mentality regardless of location and without putting impossible standards on what it takes to thrive--and without blaming anyone else for their own lack of effort.

You're enabling a man-child who is gaslighting you. I'd put a stop that waaaay fast. I'd force him out to go reconcile his own career and living expenses as he sees fit, and if he can pull that off, he can let me know. From there, we can negotiate, but not a minute sooner, and if this means the end of 'us,' that would liberate me to find a man who is independent, self sufficient and worthy of my love.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Pumpkins]

18 minutes ago, Coily said:

1. He sounds like the stereotypical shrewish wife, you know "I could have been a model, but I gave it all up for you." Which is what he is doing by complaining about not having the perfect career, if you two had kids (which I advise against right now) it would be one thing if he was doing what he's doing. However the fact that he is poo-pooing blue collar work (some of which can and does make mad money, especially in the "middle of nowhere"). I won't slam him too hard, if he is doing all of the domestic stuff and not running up massive debt. In that regard he's a kept man, and if you both agree there is nothing wrong with that.
2. I will agree with him in that just buying stuff (dinners, going places) isn't passion. It's going through the motions, and while you have a lot on your plate, I don't think it's unfair for him to want a spark or two. Now it doesn't need to be every day you make passionate love to each other, but maybe something low key that is out of the ordinary. Like a nice romantic picnic?
3. You are resentful towards him, because you think that he as a man "Must" be doing something productive and contribute fiscally to the household. As you have the higher earning potential, even if he got out and worked, would this still be a point of friction between the two of you, or any man?
4. When you say the middle of nowhere, are we talking middle of kansas with one blinking light for hundred of miles, or just where people don't poop in the streets? In other words is there really nothing there, or have the two of you not been able to appreciate the local culture and learned how to assimilate?

Thank you for your response. It helped me think about a lot of things. I wanted to respond to a couple you said. 
2. We do make love like once a week but it’s frustrating to me that he wants more and more. We do go on romantic dates at least weekly (even despite me sometimes working 80 hour weeks). He always wants to go out and I try my best to show him but it’s always going to be less than what he wants because he’s waiting all day for me to return home - at times I work 10 days in a row for 12 hour shifts. And it’s hard to find time during those long stretches. 
3. I don’t want him to pay for half of everything necessarily and I know he may never make as much as a physician, but right now I have a lot of debt (hundreds of thousands) and I cannot keep up this support unless we move to an apartment next year or he starts contributing. I have to start paying back loans. even just $500 a month which is not a lot would help substantially. I just also want him to have something to do so that he isn’t sitting at home waiting for me to come home every day. I want him to socialize and have friends and have his own life outside of me. Because he doesn’t, I am his everything and I have to be extra attentive because he hasn’t spoken to anyone all day 

4. it really is kinda middle of no where. There are some places to go, coffee shops some bars some restaurants but not a lot and we have been to them all. He is used to going to new places. There are no new places because we’ve done it all. But I am at work all day so going to the same places on the weekends doesn’t bother me quite as much. Although it would be nice if the town was bigger.  

[Coily]

24 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

Thank you for your response. It helped me think about a lot of things. I wanted to respond to a couple you said. 
2. We do make love like once a week but it’s frustrating to me that he wants more and more. We do go on romantic dates at least weekly (even despite me sometimes working 80 hour weeks). He always wants to go out and I try my best to show him but it’s always going to be less than what he wants because he’s waiting all day for me to return home - at times I work 10 days in a row for 12 hour shifts. And it’s hard to find time during those long stretches. 
3. I don’t want him to pay for half of everything necessarily and I know he may never make as much as a physician, but right now I have a lot of debt (hundreds of thousands) and I cannot keep up this support unless we move to an apartment next year or he starts contributing. I have to start paying back loans. even just $500 a month which is not a lot would help substantially. I just also want him to have something to do so that he isn’t sitting at home waiting for me to come home every day. I want him to socialize and have friends and have his own life outside of me. Because he doesn’t, I am his everything and I have to be extra attentive because he hasn’t spoken to anyone all day 

4. it really is kinda middle of no where. There are some places to go, coffee shops some bars some restaurants but not a lot and we have been to them all. He is used to going to new places. There are no new places because we’ve done it all. But I am at work all day so going to the same places on the weekends doesn’t bother me quite as much. Although it would be nice if the town was bigger.  

A friend's wife is kind of like your BF, she stays home all day, has no friends, plays homemaker, and nothing else. He is pained to see his wife with nothing outside of their home, but it's a fight that he can't win as she's planted firmly at home. Is she a woman-child? No, but she needs to be active beyond the home.

I will say I think you are looking at this critically, and not jumping down the he's a gaslighting man-child trash conclusions. I have to wonder if he feels appreciated for his masculine attributes the way he needs? I doubt he would ever explicitly say that he wants valued that way, unless prompted. Has he done anything to help himself in this regard?

Just for the sake of conversation, does he know, genuinely know how much him helping financially would help you? Not in a guilt trip way, but something where he feels motivated to help you because it helps him feel like a provider in the relationship? That can be a vitally important thing for him.

He could just be a bum, or he could be in need of being needed.  That's for you to determine, not a bunch of naysayers on the internet.

 

[smackie9]

I still don't know why you are bending over backwards for this guy. You can and deserve better than this man child. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Pumpkins said:

 I matched into residency in the middle of nowhere place again, this time being forced to stay there for 4 years.

Please do whatever is best for your profession. He's not "sacrificing" anything. You both seem to enjoy his stay at home BF status for now. Please research where you can go after your residency and please don't drag this guy along with you. 

[catfeeder]

59 minutes ago, Coily said:

...it's a fight that he can't win as she's planted firmly at home. Is she a woman-child? No, but she needs to be active beyond the home.

If your friend's wife blamed him for her own choices, then yes, she would be behaving like a child.

If a fully grown person fails to launch themselves socially and financially, yet that works for both partners in a couple, and neither has any complaints about it, then fine--there they are. But if one partner has a problem, AND the other reacts to that problem by deflecting all responsibility and blaming the partner for their problem, then that's not merely an issue that can be resolved, it's compounded by deflection and a refusal to resolve it.

So our responses aren't some automatic launch into trendy terms. Those terms have meanings, and those meanings describe the entitlement of a childish adult who won't accept responsibility and is spinning blame around on the who is carrying their own weight--and then some.

[MissCanuck]

Tell him you're too turned off by his childish, selfish and lazy attitude to be more "passionate" with him.

Why are you enabling this? 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, Pumpkins said:

I got him a job interview at the place I work but they only wanted a full time employee, and he wasn’t willing to work full time. He wanted a part time gig so he could work on his true career passion on the side

This stood out to me.

What is this "career passion" and is he actively working on it currently? Is it something that could generate a decent, steady income?

[Batya33]

I’ve read all the responses and also changed my mind as far as his attitude. Especially with the internet he could have decided in advance with a fair amount of knowledge and information if this was right for him.

Also you have to prioritize your career In your situation and it’s common knowledge that you have to be flexible geographically to become a physician- during residency - with rare exceptions. And yes the loans which he doesn’t get burdened with since you’re not married. 
also I don’t think he admires your ambition and work ethic and talents as a budding physician or at least not enough.
My husband and I are in similarly intense and competitive fields especially when we met and it helped so much to have that in common. It still does. 

Good luck with whatever you decide !

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Coily said:

I will say I think you are looking at this critically, and not jumping down the he's a gaslighting man-child trash conclusions. I have to wonder if he feels appreciated for his masculine attributes the way he needs? I doubt he would ever explicitly say that he wants valued that way, unless prompted. Has he done anything to help himself in this regard?

Just for the sake of conversation, does he know, genuinely know how much him helping financially would help you? Not in a guilt trip way, but something where he feels motivated to help you because it helps him feel like a provider in the relationship? That can be a vitally important thing for him.

He could just be a bum, or he could be in need of being needed.  That's for you to determine, not a bunch of naysayers on the internet.

I agree with @Coily. 

In reading your original post, my very first thought was he's hurting.  He is lonely and he misses you!  Rightfully so, as you work long hours which is NOT your fault, however it doesn't change the fact that he's lonely and misses you.   I think it's important to not lose sight of that.

I am envisioning myself in that scenario, moving to a remote area so my boyfriend can pursue HIS career, where I don't know anyone, have no friends, jobs are hard to come by and as such have no job and my boyfriend is gone 75% of the time working and when he's home he's too tired to spend quality time, including sexual intimacy which is so important imo.

While he's working, I do my share of shopping, cooking, cleaning and make a nice home, make him feel special.

I suppose because he's a "grown man," some women believe "as a man" he should not feel lonely or miss you, and that he's selfish, lazy, a lowlife, gaslighting you, whatever.

I do NOT agree with that at all, and frankly an attitude like that may be as ineffective and worse than anything he is doing, imo.

I have really come to dislike such defined gender roles, I believe male/female, masculine/feminine roles are interchangeable depending on the circumstances and multi-dimensional.

As far as him complaining about his unhappiness, I don't see it as gaslighting.  It does sound a bit "guilt-trippy" but it doesn't sound to me like that is his intention - to guilt trip you.

He is simply unhappy and he's falling into a depression and he is expressing that to you.

You have enough on your plate, you should not have to be his therapist, have you suggested he see one?

That would be my advice.  Try to empathize or at least sympathize, apologize you are unable to be the type of girlfriend he needs you to be at the moment, which is different from apologizing for being who YOU are, you are simply apologizing for not being who HE needs you to be.

And then let HIM make the decision as to what to do.  He can stay or go; if he chooses to stay, suggest some therapy to help him through this transition from living in a city with a job and friends to a remote area with no friends and no job and a girlfriend with a busy career and unable to spend the time he needs her to spend on loving each other and building their relationship.

$.02 and good luck.

 

 

 

 

[Pumpkins]

3 hours ago, Coily said:

A friend's wife is kind of like your BF, she stays home all day, has no friends, plays homemaker, and nothing else. He is pained to see his wife with nothing outside of their home, but it's a fight that he can't win as she's planted firmly at home. Is she a woman-child? No, but she needs to be active beyond the home.

I will say I think you are looking at this critically, and not jumping down the he's a gaslighting man-child trash conclusions. I have to wonder if he feels appreciated for his masculine attributes the way he needs? I doubt he would ever explicitly say that he wants valued that way, unless prompted. Has he done anything to help himself in this regard?

Just for the sake of conversation, does he know, genuinely know how much him helping financially would help you? Not in a guilt trip way, but something where he feels motivated to help you because it helps him feel like a provider in the relationship? That can be a vitally important thing for him.

He could just be a bum, or he could be in need of being needed.  That's for you to determine, not a bunch of naysayers on the internet.

 

He is aware that it is important for me. He says he’s working on trying to find a job but that the types of jobs in our town would make him more depressed than he currently is. 

[Pumpkins]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

This stood out to me.

What is this "career passion" and is he actively working on it currently? Is it something that could generate a decent, steady income?

I think he is being unrealistic with his career goals unfortunately. There are few jobs out here where we live  for what he does. The only places that have his jobs are  nyc and Los Angeles. He works in the artsy/entertainment industry. He tried to get jobs in the field when we moved out there but didn’t work out. 

[Pumpkins]

24 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree with @Coily. 

In reading your original post, my very first thought was he's hurting.  He is lonely and he misses you!  Rightfully so, as you work long hours which is NOT your fault, however it doesn't change the fact that he's lonely and misses you.   I think it's important to not lose sight of that.

I am envisioning myself in that scenario, moving to a remote area so my boyfriend can pursue HIS career, where I don't know anyone, have no friends, jobs are hard to come by and as such have no job and my boyfriend is gone 75% of the time working and when he's home he's too tired to spend quality time, including sexual intimacy which is so important imo.

While he's working, I do my share of shopping, cooking, cleaning and make a nice home, make him feel special.

I suppose because he's a "grown man," some women believe this does not apply when the tables are turned, and that he's selfish, lazy, a lowlife, gaslighting you, whatever.

I do NOT agree with that at all, and frankly an attitude like that is selfish and worse than anything he is doing, imo.

I have really come to dislike such defined gender roles, I believe male/female, masculine/feminine roles are interchangeable depending on the circumstances and multi-dimensional.

As far as him complaining about his unhappiness, I don't see it as gaslighting.  It does sound a bit "guilt-trippy" but it doesn't sound to me that that is his intention - to guilt trip you.

He is simply unhappy and he's falling into a depression and he is expressing that to you.

You have enough on your plate, you should not have to be his therapist, have you suggested he see one?

That would be my advice.  Try to empathize or at least sympathize, apologize you are unable to be the type of girlfriend he needs you to be at the moment, which is different from apologizing for being who YOU are, you are simply apologizing for not being who HE needs you to be.

And then let HIM make the decision as to what to do.  He can stay or go; if he chooses to stay, suggest some therapy to help him through this transition from living in a city with a job and friends to a remote area with no friends and no job and a girlfriend with a busy career and unable to spend the time he needs her to spend on loving each other and building their relationship.

$.02 and good luck.

 

 

 

 

I appreciate hearing a different perspective. Thank you. I don’t agree with strict gender roles either which is how I ended up in this situation. And if I did, I probably would not have pursued being a physician as it is more of a male dominated profession anyway. 
 

I know things have been hard on him. I do wish that he could see a therapist or a doctor to get help but he doesn’t have health insurance through me because we are not married. I don’t think I could afford for him to go see one anyway. He is not motivated to seek out help either. I feel like I have to pressure things to get them done because he is so depressed, which makes him unmotivated and then more depressed as a result.

I wish he didn’t have to give up his situation in life to be with me, and it makes me feel guilty every day that he moved out here to be with me. He used to have a job, a place, friends, and some money.  I just don’t know if I can this longer especially if he is not willing to change something, it is a lot of extra emotional baggage on top of my already stressful career.  And I financially cannot provide this lifestyle for much longer, because we go out to eat and do things all the time. My bills will get significantly higher next year with my loan payments resuming. I just wish he was willing to at least get a part time job to help. If it was me (but I am extremely motivated) I would get a job, any job, just to get out of the house. Even if it was target or Walmart or something just to make a little bit of money. I am offended he is not willing to do that just to help out. I get it he is depressed which makes it hard. But I sometimes feel I am the adult in the relationship when he is ten years older than me. I did not force him into this situation, I wish something would change because  I hate that we are in this situation. 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

He is aware that it is important for me. He says he’s working on trying to find a job but that the types of jobs in our town would make him more depressed than he currently is. 

Can he do some whatever job and then do meaningful volunteer work? Have you discussed marriage? 

[Coily]

19 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

He is aware that it is important for me. He says he’s working on trying to find a job but that the types of jobs in our town would make him more depressed than he currently is. 

Has he looked into consulting or work with travel?

[rainbowsandroses]

@Pumpkins, I think you should try and get away from any type of "mothering" role, like suggesting various jobs he could get etc.  In that regard, he is a "grown adult" and should be making these types of decisions himself.

He does need to take responsibility for his own choices and I would advise this for both men and women.  

If he does not want to take a blue collar job or any other type of job for whatever reasons that is HIS choice.  

If me, as I said I would simply reiterate the reality of the situation, you have a busy career and unable to be who HE needs you to be at this point in time.  Period.

He can stay or go but continuing to complain is not serving anyone (him or you) any good purpose at all.

Then allow him the time and space to figure it out.  Again try to be empathetic and sympathetic, this is all coming from a place of HURT and frustration about the entire situation.

 

[Coily]

10 minutes ago, Pumpkins said:

I appreciate hearing a different perspective. Thank you. I don’t agree with strict gender roles either which is how I ended up in this situation. And if I did, I probably would not have pursued being a physician as it is more of a male dominated profession anyway. 
 

I know things have been hard on him. I do wish that he could see a therapist or a doctor to get help but he doesn’t have health insurance through me because we are not married. I don’t think I could afford for him to go see one anyway. He is not motivated to seek out help either. I feel like I have to pressure things to get them done because he is so depressed, which makes him unmotivated and then more depressed as a result.

I wish he didn’t have to give up his situation in life to be with me, and it makes me feel guilty every day that he moved out here to be with me. He used to have a job, a place, friends, and some money.  I just don’t know if I can this longer especially if he is not willing to change something, it is a lot of extra emotional baggage on top of my already stressful career.  And I financially cannot provide this lifestyle for much longer, because we go out to eat and do things all the time. My bills will get significantly higher next year with my loan payments resuming. I just wish he was willing to at least get a part time job to help. If it was me (but I am extremely motivated) I would get a job, any job, just to get out of the house. Even if it was target or Walmart or something just to make a little bit of money. I am offended he is not willing to do that just to help out. I get it he is depressed which makes it hard. But I sometimes feel I am the adult in the relationship when he is ten years older than me. I did not force him into this situation, I wish something would change because  I hate that we are in this situation. 

I think he has a lot of pride tied up in the work he has done in the past, and never realized how much of a sacrifice he would have to make. It's overwhelming to him, and highly unfair to make you carry his burden as well. I think you two need to think about what this future looks like for you both. Will you have to stay in small town America for more than your residency? Will he be willing to swallow his pride and do some mediocre work?

None of this is easy, but if you two want this to work the band-aid will have to be torn off now, before fiscal problems loom.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

If he does not want to take a blue collar job or any other type of job for whatever reasons that is HIS choice.  

For sure but I thought she shared that soon she will need him to start contributing more $$$ given her residency situation so in part his choice -affects her/them.  

[rainbowsandroses]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For sure but I thought she shared that soon she will need him to start contributing more $$$ given her residency situation so in part his choice -affects her/them.  

Even so, it's still HIS decision.  All she can do (imo) is share with him that she simply cannot afford to support them both on her salary alone, and let him HIM make the decision.

IF he is still unwilling to take a lesser job until he finds one that suits him, then he will need to move out.  It's really that simple and that is how she should phrase it, again my opinion.

I don't think believing he is gaslighting her or being selfish or lazy or not fulfilling his role as a "man" will serve any good purpose NOT that @Pumpkins is doing that.

Again, a little empathy goes a long way here imho.

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Even so, it's still HIS decision.  All she can do (imo) is share with him that she simply cannot afford to support them both on her salary alone, and let him HIM make the decision.

IF he is still unwilling to take a lesser job until he finds one that suits him, then he will need to move out.  It's really that simple and that is how she should phrase it, again my opinion.

I don't think believing he is gaslighting her or being selfish or lazy or not fulfilling his role as a "man" will serve any good purpose NOT that @Pumpkins is doing that.

Again, a little empathy goes a long way here imho.

 

Ahh I see - you see it as his unilateral choice because she has the choice to tell him to leave.  I was looking it at as more of a marital type relationship where the financial choices/job choices affect the couple so the other person gets a say.  You're right -they are not married and she is carrying most if not all of the financial burden so if he won't contribute for whatever reason he might be choosing then to live on his own/move out.