I slept with my ex while casually dating a new girl.

[ReceptionPure6782]

TL;DR - I casually dated with Lily for 8 dates, and during that time, I had an ONS with my ex. Should I tell Lily what happened or do I end things with her to spare her the pain of what I did?

I have been on 8 dates with this girl I will call Lily. We met on a dating app.

I really like Lily. A lot. But I made a mistake. My ex was visiting and she texted me if we could hang out. We did discuss the possibility of a FWB when we broke up but I did tell her at first that it wouldn't be a good idea. But I was so stupid and so easily gave in by convincing myself that Lily and I were not exclusive, so it would be okay. In my mind, I was pretty certain that Lily was dating other people as well, so I thought it was okay. But I'm also pretty certain that Lily wasn't sleeping with anyone. While I know none of you will believe me, it really was just a one time fling for fun.

At the very least, I truly don't recall having romantic feelings for my ex, but I do acknowledge that I could be lying to myself.

I have cut and blocked my ex and I deleted the dating app. I want to be exclusive with Lily, but I know I mucked things up too much.

I have three options in my head:

1) Ask Lily to be exclusive and ask if she wants to know about my past. For me personally, I truly don't care and don't wanna know about Lily past before we were exclusive. But I feel this is a cop out so I might just tell her instead.

2) Tell Lily what happened and have full transparency about anything she wants to know. If she wants to break up, I will accept it and still be honest with her.

3) Breakup with her while we are still in this early stage to spare her the pain so she will think it was just an incompatibility issue.

What do you think I should do?

Again, I know I'm a bad person, I just want to know what to do right by Lily, no matter what happens.

[Capricorn3]

5 minutes ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

I really like Lily. A lot. But I made a mistake.

First thing to do is admit you didn't make a mistake. You made a very conscious choice to have sex with your ex. No mistake there.

You claim you really like Lily a lot. If that's the case, and you want a serious relationship with her, you need to make up your mind about your true feelings for your ex - you say:  ...... "I truly don't recall having romantic feelings for my ex, but I do acknowledge that I could be lying to myself."   At this stage it may be kinder to let Lily go while you sort yourself out.  She doesn't deserve to be messed with. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

 Breakup with her while we are still in this early stage to spare her the pain so she will think it was just an incompatibility issue.

Spare her. You're not really ready to date if you are still hung up on your ex and want FWB with her. It's not "incompatibilities", just be honest and say you're not ready to date.  

It's unfair to careen through people's lives hurting them because you have unresolved issues. Set her free.  She shouldn't have to pay for your "mistake". Which actually was a deliberate act and no mistake. 

[ReceptionPure6782]

11 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

First thing to do is admit you didn't make a mistake. You made a very conscious choice to have sex with your ex. No mistake there.

You claim you really like Lily a lot. If that's the case, and you want a serious relationship with her, you need to make up your mind about your true feelings for your ex - you say:  ...... "I truly don't recall having romantic feelings for my ex, but I do acknowledge that I could be lying to myself."   At this stage it may be kinder to let Lily go while you sort yourself out.  She doesn't deserve to be messed with. 

Okay, I added that just in case, but okay, I do truly want to cut things forever with my ex, what happened was purely physical. Which is why I permanently blocks and deleted her contact. If Lily and I don't work out, I will still never ever go back to my ex ever again.

[Capricorn3]

1 minute ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

Okay, I added that just in case,

In case of what? 😕

[ReceptionPure6782]

Just now, Capricorn3 said:

In case of what? 😕

That was poorly phrased, I mean, I don;t expect people to believe me, so if they don't think I'm telling the truth, they are free to do so.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

, I do truly want to cut things forever with my ex, what happened was purely physical. 

Please don't use people to get over your ex.  Please don't use your ex for easy sex. Cut your losses, set both of them free and sort yourself out. 

[boltnrun]

One of my employees slept with his ex while he was supposed to be dating someone else. He got his ex pregnant. Then he got his girlfriend pregnant two months later. He had to move back in with his mom because he couldn't afford an apartment plus two child support payments to two different women.

Things can get messy and ugly really quickly when you are satisfying your physical desires. 

Please let Lily go. When your other two options are to break her heart or lie to her you're really not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. 

[Capricorn3]

13 minutes ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

That was poorly phrased, I mean, I don;t expect people to believe me, so if they don't think I'm telling the truth, they are free to do so.

You're talking in riddles now and it gets confusing.  What does people not believing you have to do with "acknowledging that you could be lying to yourself about having feelings for your ex"? 😕

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

, I don;t expect people to believe me, so if they don't think I'm telling the truth, they are free to do so.

Practicing excuses and lies about "mistakes", "it was just physical", isn't going to repair this. Be smart walk away. 

[catfeeder]

Does the word 'casual' dating mean that you and Lily aren't having sex yet?

[MissCanuck]

It doesn't seem you are ready to date anyone else yet. 

I would let Lily go. There is no need to hurt her by admitting you had sex with your ex, since you are not exclusive with her. But you do need to properly get over your ex, since you're not there yet. If you were, well, this thread would not exist. 

 

[Kwothe28]

Lots of people will excuse behavior like that on the account of you not being "exclusive" with Lily. But I dont think so. You going on 8 dates with somebody and then casually sleeping with your ex and then saying "We werent exclusive, it was a mistake, wont happen again, see I already blocked ex" doesnt mean a thing. All it shows is that you dont really care about Lily enough not to do something like that. So I would avoid "we werent exclusive" excuse. In fact I would avoid the relationship with Lily at all. As you arent really capable for monogamous loyal relationship.

[Batya33]

I know someone who did this. But didn't tell the woman -his future wife - he wasn't exclusive with or sleeping with her yet but it had been a few months of dating.  He never told her and for the 20 years plus they've been married I know he's worried at times she will find out - I actually think she knows - just from what I know of her -and chose to ignore once he chose her.  But it's not a great look - I think casual dating is fine - till you're exclusive - I'm not a fan of having sex with more than one person or dating an ex while dating a new person (yes I did so -not my now husband - but yes I did so for awhile and I only dated the new person for a short time after realizing I wanted to be back with my ex -I didn't tell him because we weren't exclusive and because by the time I would have I ended it).  

It's too messy IMO - I wouldn't tell her if it was a one time thing and if you really truly want to be with Lily.  Would you be ok knowing she slept with her ex?

[smackie9]

You have a guilty conscious so even if you don't tell her, it's going to eat at you. It's a discussion to have right now about dating and having sex with others and what her thoughts are about it. Take it from there. 

[Coily]

I want to get more into the timeline here, as that makes a big difference.

When you slept with your ex how many dates had you been on with Lilly? Basically did you sleep with your ex after 8 dates with Lilly, or after date 3?

The reason I ask this is it would shape how to view things.:

1. If around date 2-3 you slept with your ex, then I would say it was a dumb mistake, as you hadn't fully formed a bond with Lilly. still not good, but it does lend itself towards the question of what changed between you and Lilly? This could be something to bring up long down the road IF she ever asks.
2. Dates 4-5, that is getting more questionable. You would need to do a lot of soul searching as to why you made this mistake.
3. After 5? Spare her and end things.

I think you have to be honest with yourself about your motivations for having sex with your ex. Also what changes do you want to make for you, not just for Lilly, but deep down for your future.

All of that said, I think the only one who can really decide is Lilly, a bunch of random people on the internet don't know what Lily thinks is best for her. You could even ask her the question rhetorically if you have to.

 

[kim42]

It seems you're probably not over your ex yet, so better to let Lily go.

[Starlight925]

I agree with @Coily, as I don't think this is necessarily a binary issue of dump her or tell her.

If it was very early on, and you hadn't even slept with Lily, then I think it's fine, and if you continue to date, then at some time, you could tell her, but it's not imperative.

If it was later, and you had already started sleeping together and established exclusivity, then yeah, it's a bigger problem.  If you decide to stay with her, then you have to tell her, because this is the kind of relationship-ending lie that can bite you in a year or so if she finds out.

If you decide to end things, don't just go cold.  No ghosting.  Tell her you've met back up with your ex (you can omit the sleeping together part), so Lily doesn't spend the rest of her days wondering what's wrong with her.  You would owe her that.

[ShySoul]

How long were you with the ex? If it was a significant amount of time, it's understandable that you weren't fully over your feelings for her and you let yourself get overwhelmed by them in the moment. Doesn't make it right, but it was understandable. Also, how soon is it after the breakup? Is this relatively new? Or was it a year ago? The question to ask yourself is, are you really sure you are over the ex? If you aren't, then it's not time to be seeing anyone. You can't fully commit to someone if your heart is still with someone else. If you are over the ex, then, given what happened, best to cut ties with her and fully dedicate yourself to pursuing what it is you want, be it with Lily or anyone else.

18 hours ago, ReceptionPure6782 said:

Again, I know I'm a bad person, I just want to know what to do right by Lily, no matter what happens.

That very statement shows me you aren't a bad person, just a person who made a mistake. A bad person wouldn't feel remorse for his actions and would continue to see Lily, acting as if nothing happened. I've seen it happen. The guy was in the middle of getting a divorce and got engaged to another woman. He then slept with his wife, whom he claimed he couldn't stand anymore. He didn't say anything to the fiance and when confronted with the issue, tried to claim he was the victim and that the whole story was made up. That's being a bad person, lying to the person you claim to care about. You on the other hand, are trying to atone for your mistake and are willing to put Lily first, even if it means not being with her.

From that experience, and many others, I've seen that honesty is the best policy. If you do care about her, she has the right to know. If you breakup up without telling her, you will still be causing her pain. It could even be more pain as she wouldn't have a real reason and could be left searching for why it ended when things seemed to be going well. There is always the possibilty that it gets out some other way, rather you stay with her or not. So wouldn't you want it to come from you? That way you can have the peace of mind that comes from knowing you owned up to your actions and still gave it a shot. You can still try to make the relationship work, if that's what you both want. But it will be her call, as you said. 

[catfeeder]

49 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

I agree with @Coily, as I don't think this is necessarily a binary issue of dump her or tell her.

Me, too. There's no singular moral standard for multi-dating. I can only speak for myself in terms of not getting sexual with more than one person at a time. To me, that's about the ethics of health protection.

I believe in 'less is more' in terms of discussing sexual behavior that's unrelated to a new potential lover. I believe that a date is entitled to know my true marital status and history along with my health status and history in terms of STI's and STD's.

So current sex with another would require a delay in starting up sex with a new date--there's an incubation period before STI and STD testing can be accurate. Outside of that, if I'm not yet sexual with someone, and we still haven't established exclusivity, then whatever he or I opt to do with anyone else is really nobody's business. 

[ShySoul]

If I was even the slightest bit interested in someone, I would want to fully know what I was getting myself into. I don't care if we are exclusive or not, or if we are planning to have sex or not. A relationship needs honesty. To keep from me that you were seeing someone else, and especially that you slept with that person, would feel dishonest and a violation of the trust that I put in them. It would also reveal something to me about the person's character. I'll be an open book and let them know anything about my history, past and present. I would hope for the same courtesy. Not saying someone is necessarily wrong if they sleep with another person and doesn't tell about it. But them sleeping with someone while dating me would make me question if our values on the subject align and if we are right for each other. And I would rather know sooner, before I invest too much of my time and my heart. Ending things can be hard no matter what. The longer something is kept from you, the harder it hits and more painful it feels.