Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[Batya33]

Starting a conversation or asking someone out on a date need not be a "pursuit" unless the person doing so is acting in a very aggressive way.  My husband asked me out for lunch in 1995 when we worked together.  He was interested in dating me. I said yes. I didn't feel pursued when he asked me out.  He didn't feel pursued when I walked over to him his first day of work to greet and speak with him.  I'd avoid telling yourself you can't pursue or chase. Neither need to be part of dating or getting to know someone. 

[Shycarrot]

Hi 🙂 

Just to let you know, I have stalked the optician on Facebook, and I found out he's married and he has at least one kid. Bummer

 

Also, I chatted with a guy Okcupid back in early December. The conversation was nice but he suddenly ghosted me, I have never met him. 

He texted me 2 days ago, apologizing for being "busy". He added that during those 3 months, he dated his colleague, panicked and hence stopped replying. 

I accepted his apologies, and told him I wouldn't have reacted badly if he told me the truth the first time, especially because we weren't in a committed relationship. He apologized again and then we went back to to our conversation.

My friends claim he'll ghost me again.

What do you think ?

I am not too invested in the guy, btw 

 

[boltnrun]

So he dated his first choice and when that didn't pan out he circled back to you.  So yeah, he will likely do the same thing as soon as he meets someone else.

Nope.  I'd hold out for someone who regards ME as his first choice, not as a fallback option.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

He texted me 2 days ago, apologizing for being "busy". He added that during those 3 months, he dated his colleague, panicked and hence stopped replying. 

He seems flaky at best and rather rude telling you it didn't work out with his coworker, so decided to contact you. This is a perfect example of when to say "we're not a match" then delete and block. Who needs this kind of nonsense background noise? 

[Batya33]

I'd meet him only if it's convenient for you and a quick one hour coffee date.  I'm glad you confirmed the optician is married.  

[Wonderstruck]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So he dated his first choice and when that didn't pan out he circled back to you.  So yeah, he will likely do the same thing as soon as he meets someone else.

Nope.  I'd hold out for someone who regards ME as his first choice, not as a fallback option.

This.

I can't believe he had the audacity to admit to you that you were essentially his "Fallback Girl".

I wouldn't even consider going out on a date with him.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

My friends claim he'll ghost me again.

What do you think ?

I am not too invested in the guy, btw 

I'd think higher of him if he'd offered a quick message to explain before exiting, but I dunno, you were both just strangers on the Internet. Plenty of people pause their dating sites to focus on one person then resume again. When someone doesn't even know you, that's not exactly personal.

If you like his profile and conversation, then grabbing a quick coffee to check one another out wouldn't be any skin off your back. You'll be better able to gauge where you want to stand then.

Head high, whichever way you want to go. 

[Shycarrot]

On 3/4/2024 at 4:28 AM, catfeeder said:

I'd think higher of him if he'd offered a quick message to explain before exiting, but I dunno, you were both just strangers on the Internet. Plenty of people pause their dating sites to focus on one person then resume again. When someone doesn't even know you, that's not exactly personal.

That's exactly what I thought 

Anyway, it's interesting know that there are different opinions on this kind of behavior. 

I am still talking with the guy and he seems way more invested that before, I'll let you know how it goes 

 

Thank you 🙂 

[Batya33]

I would do no talking other than setting up a first meet and confirming it.  Then meet. You suggest it if he doesn't.  Then if he wants to ask you out on a date after you meet you can leave the ball in his court.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would do no talking other than setting up a first meet and confirming it.  Then meet. You suggest it if he doesn't.  Then if he wants to ask you out on a date after you meet you can leave the ball in his court.

Yep. Ask him to grab a cup of coffee. If he delays, skip him and move on. Suss out people who are just about messaging and aren’t serious about meeting.

[Coily]

A quick coffee date is about all you should allow at this point, rip the band-aide off and go from there.

[kim42]

Since you never met this guy, I wouldn't take him disappearing personally. At least I don't take people from dating apps or sites seriously until we actually meet.

So if you want to meet him, I see nothing wrong with a coffee date.

[MrMan1983]

On 3/4/2024 at 1:48 AM, Wonderstruck said:

This.

I can't believe he had the audacity to admit to you that you were essentially his "Fallback Girl".

I wouldn't even consider going out on a date with him.

In my opinion that's taking it a bit personally, it's rare people on apps are chatting to just one person and they hadn't even been on a date yet where you can build more rapport with each other. I've often had people disappear, come back, explain, and unless you had a date actually planned (time and place) and they did a disappearing act I try not to take it too personal.

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

In my opinion that's taking it a bit personally, it's rare people on apps are chatting to just one person and they hadn't even been on a date yet where you can build more rapport with each other. I've often had people disappear, come back, explain, and unless you had a date actually planned (time and place) and they did a disappearing act I try not to take it too personal.

I agree with this^.  I think it's unrealistic to expect to be someone's first choice before ever even meeting in person.  Like @MrMan1983said, people on apps (prior to meeting in person) are chatting with many people; I recall when I was on the apps, I chatted with a few men before agreeing to meet a man in person.  I often dropped off on conversations with no explanation, and had it done to me.  No harm no foul, we haven't even met.

It's common for people to fade in and out, and yeah you simply cannot take it too personally, they owe you nothing at that point, you're chatting on line, that's it.

After you meet in person and IF there is a mutual attraction and you click, that would be different.  Right or wrong, I admit I would be a bit put off if after we met and we clicked, he ghosted me to pursue another option.

But before meet?  Anything goes imo.

 

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much 🙂 

I agree, I didn't take it personally. 

I am meeting him in two days ! 

Quick question : how attracted to someone's pictures are you before going on a date with them ? 

I usually don't swipe right on very conventionally attractive men (the model kind) because generally, the conversation is shallow and this has been confirmed by my experience. Sorry, I don't mean to sound arrogant and I know it's a generalization ! 

I swipe right on men that I find cute and men that I think I could find myself physically attracted to, if they had a nice personality. (of course, I have to like their bio)

My main issue is that I am not very good at predicting the latter. Sometimes, I end up getting along with a guy I met on OLD but not feeling attraction, which makes me feel guilty and kind of like I led him on.

For instance, I don't find this guy super attractive. But I know we have a good conversation, many common interests, and he seems to have a pleasant personality. 

But I can't know for sure that I will find myself attracted to him. 

When I meet a guy organically, I know instantly if we "click". In the past I have felt attracted to guys because of their personalities, even though they weren't initially my type. 

But yeah, using dating apps, it's really hard to know beforehand. 

I feel anxious that I won't feel attracted to him, and if that ends up being the case, I really hope he won't find me attractive either, so that no one gets hurt. 

 

[Batya33]

I had to meet in person to discern attraction.  I couldn't be repulsed by the photo and I had certain physical feature dealbreakers.  And I didn't meet if I found the photo inappropriate. Obviously there is no leading on unless you meet someone you know you could never date.

Good luck on the first meet!

[ShySoul]

Don't think you can really tell much from a picture one way or the either. You could be left drooling from the way they look only to find they don't have much else going for them. Or you could feel nothing by the image only to be captivated by the way they act or the words they say. It could also just be the picture used. A professional looking photograph with a high end camera, capturing the right angles or lighting could end up making the person seem far more attractive then you would normally find them. On the other hand, some people just aren't as photogenic or don't like having their picture taken (that's me raising my hand). And obviously if the picture is inapproriate, that makes them way less attractive. So if you are just basing things from one picture, there is far too many factors to really say it counts for much.

What counts is the connection. That's one of the risks about apps. It places a lot of focus on looks to swipe this way or that way. But it's not as good at measuring the intangibles that come from actually interacting in person. 

Trust your judgement. If you feel a connection, go with it. You might be surprised by how much more attractive they look once you've spent time together in person and given that connection time to grow.

[Shycarrot]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What counts is the connection. That's one of the risks about apps. It places a lot of focus on looks to swipe this way or that way. But it's not as good at measuring the intangibles that come from actually interacting in person. 

 

I could not agree more 🙂 

The date went well : the conversion was flowing and super interesting, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. He was a bit shy which I found endearing. 

We spent an hour and a half sipping tea, and then I had to leave because I was waiting for an important call. 

Since he won't be around next week end, he offered to go to a pub during the week. 

Even though I really like his personality, I didn't feel any physical attraction. But can I go to a second date anyway ? Maybe that will change how I feel ? 

On the other hand, I don't want to lead him on. In another setting (and of course if he felt the same way), we would have made good friends ! (please don't pay attention to the last emoji, I am unable to delete it) 
🙂

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

I could not agree more 🙂 

The date went well : the conversion was flowing and super interesting, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him. He was a bit shy which I found endearing. 

We spent an hour and a half sipping tea, and then I had to leave because I was waiting for an important call. 

Since he won't be around next week end, he offered to go to a pub during the week. 

Even though I really like his personality, I didn't feel any physical attraction. But can I go to a second date anyway ? Maybe that will change how I feel ? 

On the other hand, I don't want to lead him on. In another setting (and of course if he felt the same way), we would have made good friends ! (please don't pay attention to the last emoji, I am unable to delete it) 
🙂

If he confirms the date I would go and see - sparks can develop/and attraction. Also you kept it short so you'll have more time to get to know him next time. If  you can I'd meet for a walk or something active not another sitting across from each other and drinking.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

 I really like his personality, I didn't feel any physical attraction. But can I go to a second date anyway ? 

Sure. When in doubt, a second date is fine. 

[rainbowsandroses]

See how you feel after he kisses you..  One of my bffs had three dates with a guy, felt as you did - interesting conversation, found him endearing etc. but no physical chemistry/attraction.

Until that is, he kissed her!  Everything changed after that and they got married a year later.  

You never know!   

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

See how you feel after he kisses you..  One of my bffs had three dates with a guy, felt as you did - interesting conversation, found him endearing etc. but no physical chemistry/attraction.

Until that is, he kissed her!  Everything changed after that and they got married a year later.  

You never know!   

Same or if you desire to kiss him - I'd give it up to 4 dates.

[kim42]

I say yes to the second date too, attraction can develop after you spend more time with someone.

[Sindy_0311]

I don’t go on second dates if I’m not attracted by the person. What I usually do is kiss the guy at the end of the first date to make sure I’m not attracted. And usually it works, there’s no physical chemistry… next day I explain that I didn’t feel the spark… no harm done. 

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don’t go on second dates if I’m not attracted by the person. What I usually do is kiss the guy at the end of the first date to make sure I’m not attracted. And usually it works, there’s no physical chemistry… next day I explain that I didn’t feel the spark… no harm done. 

Yes that's another way -I most often did not feel comfortable kissing after a first meet or date -- too soon usually.  I knew I was if I felt the desire to kiss the guy -didn't have to actually kiss.  If no desire but not -repulsed -I gave it up to 4 dates.