Am I too needy ?

[Shycarrot]

Hello 🙂 

I am 29 years old and I have a close and long term friend that I have known for 17 years, she's the same age  

In a nutshell : I have been feeling a bit lonely lately and I don't know if/how I can communicate that to my friend ? On the other hand, I recognize it's not her job to fulfill my needs so of course, I am making efforts to expand my social circle, to try new hobbies ...  So I would like to get another perspective and to find out if I am overly needy ^^' 

For the context, she got in a relationship in October.  She's head over heels for him and I am really happy for her. 

Since she went back to college, she has to study for her exams that take place on January if I remember correctly. 

For those reasons, we haven't seen each other much in the last few months. I think it's really normal because she has a lot on her plate and a new relationship takes time to build. 

I give her a lot of space, I rarely text her and If I do, it's just to ask how she is doing and is she's handling the stress of her exams well. A common friend asked in a whatsapp group if we could hang out last friday. She politely declined and said that she'll be free after her exams. 

Her boyfriend used to be her Professor last year and she offered him to grab a coffee last august. That's how they met. She told me he's helping her study, which I find a bit disturbing to be honest but maybe that's just me ?

Anyway, now I have this annoying fear that she will slowly ditch me ?

About her : she is a genuinely kind and empathetic person. She's also very intelligent. 

Due to her past traumas, she's anxiously attached to guys. She also suffers from depression but has it under control because she does a lot of therapy. She admitted that she was "addicted to romantic love, because nothing else brings me happiness like this". 

Maybe that's why I am worried, because I feel like she values romantic love over friendships ? 

On the other hand, she also has a fear of abandonment in friendships so when she was particularly depressed last May I think, she asked me for reassurance. 

About me : I always struggle to communicate my feelings. It's really difficult because I never feel legitimate to do so. I know where it comes from.

My friend even told me once that sometimes she was scared to hurt me, because she knew I had trouble establishing clear boundaries. 

If I feel like a friendship does not fulfill me, often I end up sucking it up.  For example, if I miss a friend because I feel like we haven't had a meaningful conversation in a while, I tend not to say anything and to just accept the situation the way it is. I don't know if it's the right attitude ?

Right now for example, there's a lot of stuff that I would like to share with her but I don't because I don't want to impose. 

So I don't really know how I should handle the whole situation ? 

I admit I have some concerns about the relationship : the fact that he could be her teacher next semester, that he's older, the fact he's helping her study also bugs me. Plus when they started dating, she told me that he was nothing like her fantasy and that she didn't think he was kind (because he was not really empathetic when talking of others, if I remember correctly) but she kept seeing him out of curiosity. 

After they got in a relationship she was gushing about how they were both really thoughtful about one another and I remember thinking to myself "yes, but it's the beginning of a relationship ... of course he's considerate ! But if you were under the impression he lacked empathy when you weren't this girlfriend, that's something to consider" 

Having said that, we all misjudge people sometimes so maybe she was wrong the first time.

What would be the appropriate reaction ? 

I am planning to wish her well before her exams and to reach out to her after, when she has more time. And I don't think I want to express my concerns if she does not ask for my opinion, or if she's not in a situation of immediate danger. 

And for my loneliness, well, I am going o try to focus on others persons even if I am not as close as I am with her. 

 

Any help is appreciated 🙂 

[Coily]

Quite a bit here.

Let's start with the "Love Professor." Age gaps usually don't bother me, unless it's situations where there is a power imbalance like a professor pupil situation. While yes she's 29, it's still predatory behavior on the part of the professor, in my opinion. Very unprofessional when someone is in the program the professor is in. In Short, you have every right to be worried about this relationship, knowing your friend the way you have. 

BUT, that doesn't mean you can or should say anything about this situation. It's her choice to get involved with this guy, and your approval really doesn't have any impact. On this front listening and giving solicited advice is all you can/should do.

As to the friendship overall, you seem to be pretty self aware of things and don't seem to be acting irrationally or needy. You are giving her space to pursue this relationship and part of that is pulling back from communication, like you have before. On one hand I want to suggest that you try to push more to keep the lines of communication open, but it's difficult when you feel suddenly unwelcome.

You are really battling is loneliness, and that is one hell of a thing to tackle. As you are 29, you are getting to that place where it's harder to connect with new people out of career and habit. Things can feel very isolating when people you know start to pull back from your life. It's easy to say and do the right thing for them, but it's very difficult to rebuild a support structure in your life. But, you seem to have figured this all out.

So what to do? Keep on cultivating those new hobbies and activities. Maybe find some online spaces for those interests, so you can have more regular interactions (with reasonable boundaries).

 

[Jaunty]

From this post, I would say that you are WAY too enmeshed with this friend, in your own head.

You begin with talking about how you are lonely.  That's a great starting place.

But then you immediately take a deep dive into the personal life and characteristics of this one friend.

Her boyfriend.  Her "traumas."  Her depression, her "anxious attachment." 

All of that is way outside of your lane. 

She has a new relationship and is studying for exams.  You are probably not the only person who is getting less of her time than they used to, and she certainly has been spending less time with activities that she used to prioritize in earlier times as well.  

This is normal.   

At your age, many people are going to be focussing on pairing up. Hanging out with childhood friends unfortunately can take a lower priority. A strong focus on career and / or academic pursuits can also become much more important.  I do not think that this means that the actual friendships are demoted, but the roles they play in someone's day to day life can change.  It's normal.

It is quite needy to think that any friendship should "fulfill" you.   I would caution you against making this an issue between you and this friend if you would like to see this friendship last a lifetime.  If you would,  you will have to accept that each of you may have seasons where other things are foremost.

If you need more social interaction, work on finding other places to get it than from this one friend.    Now is a time for you to be there for her, interested in what is going on with her,  etc.  Stop thinking about her faults and your bad opinion of the relationship; think about celebrating her achievements in her education and happiness with her boyfriend.

 

[reinventmyself]

I think this situation calls for letting go.  You're getting preoccupied on how to change the course it's taking.  Change your view on it, learn to let go of outcome that concerns other people's lives.

My mother gave me great advice when I was young and outgrowing my school age friends and pretty much in your position.   - Generally, you expect to change the group of friends or friends every five years.   Life has a way of continually course.  At times not easy, but we need to expect it.  Learn to be resilient and let go of things you can't control.   Your friend is one of them.

[catfeeder]

You’re handling things well, but in terms of honoring your own emotions, there’s nothing wrong with simply expressing, “I miss you! Just a note to say I’m thinking of you and wishing you well with your studies. I hope you’ll consider a time for us to catch up as soon as you can swing it, either by phone or let me treat you to a meal or a drink!”

As for your concerns about her relationship, those are valid but not advisable to raise with her. If the goal is to keep your friend in your life, then criticizing her BF’s motives or appropriateness would be the opposite of a good way to do that. Instead, it would isolate her from feeling able to reach out to you and confide in you should she wish to discuss any problems.

It’s true that friendships often diverge over life changes, but they often cycle back into closeness over time as each friend learns how to rearrange their priorities to make room for the relationships that matter. This usually includes a private lesson about why that’s important. But it can’t happen if the other has taken offense and has burned that bridge.

It’s a sign of maturity to cultivate different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. This allows for a gentler approach to periods of divergence in life paths without the kind of dependencies that create an unrecoverable rift. This doesn’t invalidate our private disappointment over such occurrences, but it diffuses our focus enough to allow for such shifts without turning them into unnecessary crises.

Head high, your friend is lucky to have you.

[Batya33]

Agree with Jaunty and Reinvent.  Also it's not that you give her more time because "relationships take time to build" -please accept she wants to be with him as often as possible because she's into him and it brings her joy.  It's not some sort of work project or work thing that "takes time to build."  I also wouldn't ask yourself if she values romantic love over friendship.  She probably values being in a serious romantic relationship over platonic friendships right now.  When I started dating my husband I said no to a weekend night plan that didn't include him particularly if I hadn't seen him much during the week. I value my friendships immensely and had and have lifelong friends and my friends were the same way about their partners.

If a friend is being abused or in a dangerous situation it's ok to intervene.  Otherwise -her life, her choices, her relationship IMO.  Unless she specifically asks you and even then.

[Shycarrot]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

BUT, that doesn't mean you can or should say anything about this situation. It's her choice to get involved with this guy, and your approval really doesn't have any impact. On this front listening and giving solicited advice is all you can/should do.

As to the friendship overall, you seem to be pretty self aware of things and don't seem to be acting irrationally or needy. You are giving her space to pursue this relationship and part of that is pulling back from communication, like you have before. On one hand I want to suggest that you try to push more to keep the lines of communication open, but it's difficult when you feel suddenly unwelcome..

 

Yes, I won't express my concerns about her relationship especially if it's not solicited. I don't think it's a good idea either. 

I am not acting needy, not at all. I am sure she would be very surprised if she knew how I felt 

I was not sure what to do with my emotions which is why I posted here. 

"On one hand I want to suggest that you try to push more to keep the lines of communication open, but it's difficult when you feel suddenly unwelcome." What do you mean by that ?

And for the loneliness, I am going to give Bumble BFF a try 🙂 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

From this post, I would say that you are WAY too enmeshed with this friend, in your own head.

It is quite needy to think that any friendship should "fulfill" you.   

I would caution you against making this an issue between you and this friend if you would like to see this friendship last a lifetime.  If you would,  you will have to accept that each of you may have seasons where other things are foremost.

If you need more social interaction, work on finding other places to get it than from this one friend.    Now is a time for you to be there for her, interested in what is going on with her,  etc.  Stop thinking about her faults and your bad opinion of the relationship; think about celebrating her achievements in her education and happiness with her boyfriend.

 

It's just that we are very close like I said. We supported each other throughout the years and we know everything about our mutual past and traumas. That's why I mentioned it 

You're right, I should not expect this friend to "fulfill" my needs and I am going to try to get it from other places. It's just the other closest friend of mine is spending time abroad right now (I am supposed to join her in march, looking forward to it 😁)

Of course, we are regularly texting. 

It's just that when I am going through stuff, I feel like I don't have anyone to confide in, at least right now.

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

I think this situation calls for letting go.  You're getting preoccupied on how to change the course it's taking.  Change your view on it, learn to let go of outcome that concerns other people's lives.

My mother gave me great advice when I was young and outgrowing my school age friends and pretty much in your position.   - Generally, you expect to change the group of friends or friends every five years.   Life has a way of continually course.  At times not easy, but we need to expect it.  Learn to be resilient and let go of things you can't control.   Your friend is one of them.

How to let go ? Do you have some tips ? 🙂 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

You’re handling things well, but in terms of honoring your own emotions, there’s nothing wrong with simply expressing, “I miss you! Just a note to say I’m thinking of you and wishing you well with your studies. I hope you’ll consider a time for us to catch up as soon as you can swing it, either by phone or let me treat you to a meal or a drink!”

Great idea, thank you ! I'll send something like this in a few weeks 🙂 

I completely agree, I didn't see this that way, thanks for your insight.  

"As for your concerns about her relationship, those are valid but not advisable to raise with her. If the goal is to keep your friend in your life, then criticizing her BF’s motives or appropriateness would be the opposite of a good way to do that. Instead, it would isolate her from feeling able to reach out to you and confide in you should she wish to discuss any problems."

I completely agree. I didn't think it was a good idea but the last point you made was not something I had considered, thanks for your insight 

"It’s true that friendships often diverge over life changes, but they often cycle back into closeness over time as each friend learns how to rearrange their priorities to make room for the relationships that matter."

Thank you, that's very reassuring somehow. 

"This usually includes a private lesson about why that’s important" What do you mean ?

"It’s a sign of maturity to cultivate different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. This allows for a gentler approach to periods of divergence in life paths without the kind of dependencies that create an unrecoverable rift."

It's a beautiful mindset, but at the same time, building trust and closeness in friendship takes time in my case. 

I do have a few "less close" friends, with whom I can hang out from time to time. It's great but it does not scratch the itch when I am looking for emotional intimacy (I mean someone who knows me well, who I can trust and be vulnerable with). 

I does not help that I moved a lot due to my studies, so when I think about it I have built a few friendships like that but we don't live in the same city anymore. I do see get to visit them a few times a year but it's unfortunately not the same 

"This doesn’t invalidate our private disappointment over such occurrences "

Okay, so it's normal to feel some kind of disappointment from time to time ? I ask because I feel like a  monster 😅

"Head high, your friend is lucky to have you."

Thank you, but what makes you think so ? 🙈

[Shycarrot]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

please accept she wants to be with him as often as possible because she's into him and it brings her joy.  It's not some sort of work project or work thing that "takes time to build." 

I accept that, it's normal 🙂 And it makes me happy that she found someone that makes her happy 

"I also wouldn't ask yourself if she values romantic love over friendship."

Yes, I don't know why I do that 

But then I remind myself, that even I, do not prioritize her every time.

It's impossible. 

"When I started dating my husband I said no to a weekend night plan that didn't include him particularly if I hadn't seen him much during the week"

It's understandable 🙂 

[Coily]

9 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

"On one hand I want to suggest that you try to push more to keep the lines of communication open, but it's difficult when you feel suddenly unwelcome." What do you mean by that ?

More or less, You should try to maintain contact with your friend with a reduced frequency than in your past. It sometimes gets discouraging when you get rebuffed by that friend  as they can change their behaviors and communication styles. Sometimes it feels like you are intruding into their life, and one can feel unwelcome, unintentionally.

[Shycarrot]

Okay, I see, thanks for responding 

I am really not the type to insist or to intrude into someone's life 

Generally, I try not to invest myself too much if I feel like the other person does not want to hang out with me often. 

I try to match my expectations ^

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

We supported each other throughout the years and we know everything about our mutual past and traumas. That's why I mentioned it 

I think that is pretty normal but "trauma bonding" is not really a healthy foundation upon which to base a relationship.  

I definitely agree with the advice you received to drop her a note, let her know you're thinking of her and looking forward to getting together when the time is right.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 I am really not the type to insist or to intrude into someone's life  I try not to invest myself too much if I feel like the other person does not want to hang out with me often. 

This is a good mindset. Try to move her more into the acquaintance category. She seems busy with exams and is apparently in the rainbows and unicorns stages of her infatuation. That's ok, just sort of ignore it. Stay in light touch, but limit some sharing. 

Definitely get involved in some groups and clubs, volunteering, getting involved in sports and fitness, taking some classes and courses and broadening your social horizons. You'll have fun learning and doing things with like-minded people. 

[Tinydance]

Well it sounds to me like your friendship will continue because you are such long term friends. I think there's that saying that if a friendship lasts more than seven years, you'll be friends forever. I guess friendships can change though and it's not always deliberate.

For example, I have a best friend of twenty years. We met when I was 19 and she was 21 and we were inseparable. We hung out and talked all the time, went out to bars and night clubs, slept over at each other's house. When she was 24 - 25 she met her husband. They've been together for like 16 years now and they have two kids. My friend always still continued keeping in touch with me but the friendship just became different. We didn't hang out as much or for as long because she had her husband and kids. She was always there for me but obviously her husband and children became her priority. She also worked part-time or full-time so she was really busy. 

I actually ended up making a new best friend as well who was nearly six years younger than I. I didn't settle down or have kids until nearly 40 years old so I enjoyed having the younger single friend who did actually have a lot of time for me.

You can't place all your hopes and attention on only one person in your life. Be it a friend or even your partner. There will be times when people will get busier or their life will change and it's pretty much inevitable. Like if your friend has kids. Absolutely you should also be making other friends and building a life of your own as well. Or even dating guys (or women or whoever) if that's your thing lol

However I don't think that people should ditch their friends entirely just because they're in a relationship or have kids or are busy for whatever reason. So to me it would depend whether your friend is still showing that she's making some effort towards you. I don't think it's needy on your part to message her or ask to hang out. But she might just not be available all the time. And as you can see, it's not personal coz she said she couldn't catch up with your other friend either due to her exams.

So far as the professor thing goes. Well yes it does sound unprofessional but it would also depend on the university policy of whether professors can date students. Also if he's not her actual professor now then technically she's not his student. In terms of how he's helping her study. If he's giving her actual exam answers or something because he has the exam papers then yeah that would be cheating or plagiarising. But if he's just sitting down with her and she's discussing her opinions with him or repeating information to test her knowledge, that's not wrong in my opinion. She could be sitting with just a friend or another student in the same way and they would be "helping each other study". Also sometimes students will even go to see their professor privately for help with their work. Their professor wouldn't be doing the work for them but they would be giving some advice and pointers.

Also if there's not much age gap or it's not significant then it's probably not that weird. Like, if a student is 18 and professor is 50 then yeah it's a huge age gap. Bit let's say if she's 29 and professor is in his 30's or 40's then they aren't that far apart in age.

But in any case yeah it's not really your business who she is dating. And unless she actually isn't contacting you much it doesn't automatically mean she'll ditch you just because she has a boyfriend now.

 

[Jaunty]

I'm actually "best friends" with a guy who was born a few months ahead of me where our fathers, who had been in med school together,  were both doing their residencies.  We've literally been friends since I was born!  

We are old now and our lives have taken us to places far removed from one another.   There was a time when we were out of contact for at least 2 years, and we rarely saw one another when we were living in different states and raising our youngsters.  

Yet, our friendship never really wavered.   

We still live far apart but I will be visiting him in March.

Being able to accept this kind of waxing and waning is part of keeping a friendship for a lifetime.

[Tinydance]

In regards to your question of how to bring up if you're feeling lonely or haven't spoken for a while. I don't think you need to actually say: "Hey we haven't talked for a while, you're not messaging me much." That might sound needy. But you can just text normally and be like: "Hey! Long time no speak! How are you? What's been happening?" You don't have to spell it out that you want to talk. Just start talking.

[Kwothe28]

I think there are some people who dont value friendship in the way other people do. So, when they dont have time for friends due to school/work/dating, they just put friends on a backburner. For example I had a best friend who attended school with me for 12 years. But when she found boyfriend few years ago she just didnt hang out almost at all with me or even other friends. Even now, she broke up with that one and found another one in different city and moved in with him. She never even told any of her friends. Nore bothered to stay in contact. Sadly, your friend seems like that. Somebody who put you on a backburner because now she has a school and a boyfriend. Not saying that wont change if circumstances change too. But, its clear she does that. And its OK if you are not OK with that. Friends relationships are sometimes more important then romantici relationships. Because friends are sometimes for life while romantic relationships sometimes come and go. But its clear your friend doesnt think that. And is willing to put you in the back maybe indefinitely. 

That being said, not every friendship is like that. I have a friend from high school. We live in different towns, we both have gone to different trajectory in life, college wasnt in same city, he again lives far away and he made a family along a way. And we still hear from each other almost every day and visit when we have time. Just because some friends fade away doesnt mean we dont have and shouldnt have others. So if your friend wont hang out or stay in touch from whatever reason, stop focusing on her and gather and sustain another friendship. As my late mother always said: Who wants to hang out with me, I wiil hang out with them, and who doesnt want that, they can take the road. 

[Batya33]

What Kwok and Jaunty wrote really resonated with me.  I'm 57 and still in close touch with friends I made when I was ages 12-14.  I also have a couple of examples of waxing/waning friendships - and sometimes I'm surprised when the waning friend says I'm like a sister to her -when we reconnect though, it's like that! 

And -I see a lot of posts in my moms groups on FB by women in their 30s and beyond who apparently are lonely/want to make friends, don't know how/motherhood is isolating/no "mom friends"- and women who start threads to start book groups or other events/outings groups - there's always a lot of initial enthusiasm -but no staying power. 

And I'm not just saying with respect to me -I mean it's obvious that many of these women think they want to make new lasting friendships but when push comes to shove they don't put in the effort.  There are only so many excuses and like your friend -if she values your friendship she'll find a way to stay in touch even if it's a modified way. 

And not because she value you "as much" as a romantic relationship -may have zero to do with that - she may not want to put in the effort to think outside the box to make plans that fit within her new lifestyle as part of a couple - I did that many times as a single person, as a married mom - I came up with other ways to see people and some people were willing and some absolutely were not.   It's not about "valuing" a romantic relationship -often there's more to it -she may be in the process of meeting his family /friends/learning new skills or sports that he likes or teaching him/showing him what she likes, etc. 

Or it may be mundane change of routine like the scene in the movie About Last Night (watch it, awesome movie) where Demi Moore explains about her new love interest Rob Lowe that Wednesday is Sandwich Night where they get sandwiches for dinner so -she won't meet at a restaurant etc.  It's not about the actual connection but the whole shift in lifestyle.  People who value platonic friendships think outside the box as their own and their friends' lifestyles and routines change (as mine has, drastically compared to 20 years ago). 

Good luck.

[Tinydance]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What Kwok and Jaunty wrote really resonated with me.  I'm 57 and still in close touch with friends I made when I was ages 12-14.  I also have a couple of examples of waxing/waning friendships - and sometimes I'm surprised when the waning friend says I'm like a sister to her -when we reconnect though, it's like that! 

And -I see a lot of posts in my moms groups on FB by women in their 30s and beyond who apparently are lonely/want to make friends, don't know how/motherhood is isolating/no "mom friends"- and women who start threads to start book groups or other events/outings groups - there's always a lot of initial enthusiasm -but no staying power. 

And I'm not just saying with respect to me -I mean it's obvious that many of these women think they want to make new lasting friendships but when push comes to shove they don't put in the effort.  There are only so many excuses and like your friend -if she values your friendship she'll find a way to stay in touch even if it's a modified way. 

And not because she value you "as much" as a romantic relationship -may have zero to do with that - she may not want to put in the effort to think outside the box to make plans that fit within her new lifestyle as part of a couple - I did that many times as a single person, as a married mom - I came up with other ways to see people and some people were willing and some absolutely were not.   It's not about "valuing" a romantic relationship -often there's more to it -she may be in the process of meeting his family /friends/learning new skills or sports that he likes or teaching him/showing him what she likes, etc. 

Or it may be mundane change of routine like the scene in the movie About Last Night (watch it, awesome movie) where Demi Moore explains about her new love interest Rob Lowe that Wednesday is Sandwich Night where they get sandwiches for dinner so -she won't meet at a restaurant etc.  It's not about the actual connection but the whole shift in lifestyle.  People who value platonic friendships think outside the box as their own and their friends' lifestyles and routines change (as mine has, drastically compared to 20 years ago). 

Good luck.

Well I think usually when people are single they do have more free time to hang out with friends. That does change when someone gets into a relationship. For example they might spend weekends with their partner now because they both work during the week. Previously maybe they were free to see friends on the weekend. To me someone ditching you for a partner would be when they just stop contacting you and stop catching up with you. If the person still keeps in touch by text, phone call,  catches up sometimes, I don't think that's ditching. They just become busier because they've now got a partner in their life. 

[Starlight925]

Great advice so far. 
 

As for this relationship she’s in, I agree that there are so many red flags.

My mother said something to me once when there was a huge family conflict that I was in the middle of, and it resonated with me, this day I follow this advice. I asked my mother how she, the most opinionated woman on the planet, seem to stay out of all of the family drama, and got along with everyone. She said “when no one asks for my opinion, I don’t give it “.  in other words, as opinionated as she was about so many things, it was true that she never gave opinions about other peoples lives, that she wasn’t asked for. Because of that, regardless of what was going on in all of our lives, everyone still  got along with her.
 

I’m going through this with a friend right now. She’s in a relationship where I have so many opinions and see so many red flags, but because I want to maintain the friendship, I keep it to myself.

It hurts when our friends back away from us, because they found some thing that fulfills them emotionally, and they don’t even seem to have the time to text. I’m feeling this way right now with my friend, so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

Making new friends at your age is not as easy, but it’s necessary.

My advice would be not to look for one friend to replace her, but to look for new friends in general.

Join Meetups.  Volunteer. Take a certain gym class at a certain time every week.  Some sort of group where you’ll have something in common with people. Just look to get out and meet new people and make new friends so that you’re not as dependent on that one person.

 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I think usually when people are single they do have more free time to hang out with friends. That does change when someone gets into a relationship. For example they might spend weekends with their partner now because they both work during the week. Previously maybe they were free to see friends on the weekend. To me someone ditching you for a partner would be when they just stop contacting you and stop catching up with you. If the person still keeps in touch by text, phone call,  catches up sometimes, I don't think that's ditching. They just become busier because they've now got a partner in their life. 

I didn't.  When I was single I worked crazy hours and much of my free time was spent trying to find a husband/socializing/doing volunteer work when I could/exercising etc.  Now my time limitations are more because I stopped going out in the evenings but I did from age 14-42 or so, regularly.

[Shycarrot]

On 12/14/2023 at 12:05 AM, Wiseman2 said:

his is a good mindset. Try to move her more into the acquaintance category. She seems busy with exams and is apparently in the rainbows and unicorns stages of her infatuation.

Thank you so much, that's exactly what I am doing 🙂  

 

On 12/14/2023 at 12:37 AM, Tinydance said:

For example, I have a best friend of twenty years.

I am happy for you both 🙂 

On 12/14/2023 at 12:37 AM, Tinydance said:

I actually ended up making a new best friend as well who was nearly six years younger than

 

On 12/14/2023 at 12:37 AM, Tinydance said:

so I enjoyed having the younger single friend who did actually have a lot of time for me.

I completely understand, that's wise ! 

On 12/14/2023 at 12:37 AM, Tinydance said:

You can't place all your hopes and attention on only one person in your life. Be it a friend or even your partner

I couldn't agree more ! I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket and I actually read a study claiming that people who had a larger social network were happier 

On 12/14/2023 at 12:37 AM, Tinydance said:

However I don't think that people should ditch their friends entirely just because they're in a relationship or have kids or are busy for whatever reason.

I agree, but I maybe overreacted 😅

I am not sure she's ditching me, it was just my anxiety getting the best of me lol 

Regarding her boyfriend, he's only 10 years older so I guess that could be worse. She's very aware of the power dynamic though and like she said, every relationship has some form or other.

On 12/14/2023 at 3:05 AM, Jaunty said:

Being able to accept this kind of waxing and waning is part of keeping a friendship for a lifetime.

Thank you, it's such a beautiful story 🙂 I am happy for you 

[Shycarrot]

On 12/14/2023 at 3:55 AM, Tinydance said:

In regards to your question of how to bring up if you're feeling lonely or haven't spoken for a while. I don't think you need to actually say: "Hey we haven't talked for a while, you're not messaging me much." That might sound needy. But you can just text normally and be like: "Hey! Long time no speak! How are you? What's been happening?"

Oh yeah, I would not have sent something like that. Like you said it's needy and it would be entitled imo ^^

I am definitely going to send her a text like the one you suggested

On 12/14/2023 at 8:40 AM, Kwothe28 said:

For example I had a best friend who attended school with me for 12 years. But when she found boyfriend few years ago she just didnt hang out almost at all with me or even other friends.

I am so sorry that happened 😕 

But it's nice you found a good friend eventually. I am not sure my friend is ditching me anymore, but I know she relies excessively on men to bring her happiness so I suspect in her mind, romantic love trump friendship in the long term. 

She has always been depressed except for the times where she had a man in her life. None of the previous guys treated her well, that was really sad to watch 😞  

But now that the guy's is supposedly a good person, that will be different I guess. 

Honestly, I feel way better than when I wrote this post, I know I am going to be okay even if our friendship evolves. I am currently dating but I am happy with my life, so even if it leads nowhere, I am content on my own 🙂 

Emotions are a weird thing. One day, I feel like crying over something and for the newt few weeks/months, nothing. 

Am I the only one ?

Anyway, thank you so much for your replies !! 

[Shycarrot]

Hi 🙂 

I just wanted to add a little update on my situation without creating another thread. 

The situation with my friend has not really changed, so I felt the need to withdraw and to cultivate other friendships. 

This is also a great way to tackle loneliness 😉 

I admit I completely stopped texting her since I felt I was intruding (she took ages to reply, never initiated a text convo anymore, kept the conversation to a minimum...). 

I received a text from her 2 days ago asking to meet up next week, we had not talked for 6 weeks then. 

As I already have plans (I am working for 3 days and then I'll go visit 2 friends in another city), I apologized but told her I would be happy to see her the week after. 

She liked my message. 

Also, when I received her text, I was driving home from an important medical procedure. 

I had dreaded this procedure for months to the point where she offered to come with me. I really thanked her but since the procedure took place in another city, I had to decline.

But then, she met someone, we barely spoke and we kind of stopped confiding in one another.

So I just sucked it up, relied on others for support and underwent the procedure anyway. 

As it was an important part of my day, so I felt the need to share that with her but I realize it was probably not good idea... I just told her it went quite well. After some time, she ended up liking this message as well.

What I am trying to articulate, is that I feel like I am hurt we don't confide in each other anymore.

Plus, I feel like it's partly my fault. 

I easily feel rejected/unwelcome and I tend to withdraw in those kind of situations. Since I got the impression I was kind of bothering her, I just stopped contacting her, at least temporarily. 

When we last saw each other, we were supposed to spend the evening together but she decided to go to her boyfriend's earlier because she was tired. 

I guess that I internalized that I was not a priority, and it's okay. 

Now if I were to guess her perspective, she could say that I did not make great efforts either because : 

1) I was 40 min late when we last saw (I know 😔 I missed my bus ... ). There was another friend of hers, so she wasn't alone but still

2) I drastically reduced the frequency of my texts, to 0 text since we last saw each other 

3) I went to the very stressful medical exam without warning her. I don't know, maybe she would have supported me if I had told her the day before ? I really regret telling her that I went, btw ... She just knew it was somewhere in February 

4) When she offers to see me next week, I am unavailable. To my defense, I am free this Saturday and Sunday, but since she only talked about next week, I figured she would be busy this weekend. 

Maybe I am thinking too much but I am wondering if it's not a vicious circle : I feel rejected, I withdraw, the friend feels rejected, she withdraws and yada yada ...  ?

Also, I feel hurt that she does not confide in me at all regarding her relationship or others personal issues. I feel like we've always been pretty vocal about the guys we were seeing, sharing details about the men we were seing ... I haven't met him yet but I know she was introduced to his friends.

Rest assured, I know I have no right to expect this from her ! And in a sense, maybe it's a sign that everything is mature and going well 🙂 Maybe she has outgrown this habit, or maybe she was feeling she could not talk to me about this. Anyway, it's her prerogative.

Somehow, I feel like I can't share anything about my dates either, and that I have to be a "grown women" from now and stop talking about these trivial things with her. 

Relationships are so stressful to me, she was the only one knowing my issues so knowing I won't be able to rely on her hurts a bit ... 

But it's okay, I'll have to find others sources of support. 

 I am not sure my feelings are legitimate, but I don't know how to deal with them. 

I swear, I was feeling way better but her text just disrupted everything. 

 

Thank you so much for your help ! 

[Batya33]

You seem to have more than typical expectations of friends having a role of being there for you on a practical level when it comes to a medical procedure -am I reading that right? How much of friendship to you is supporting in these ways during challenging times? Also what sort of apology did you provide for being 40 minutes late? Are you often late?

I had a friend years ago who was routinely late.  It was frustrating. One time she was 40 minutes late for lunch.  During a workday. We'd agreed to meet right before the lunch rush at a popular place. 

She didn't know but I was especially hungry and tired because I was newly pregnant.  She planned poorly- that is why she was late. I decided to eat without her and I believe that when she finally arrived I was done -I think i offered to hang out for a short time -I had to get back to work.  She was a bit annoyed and it annoyed me that she was annoyed.  40 minutes can be a really long time to wait depending even if others are there.  So that's why I asked what sort of apology you gave her.

I told certain friends I had my routine mammogram last Thursday.  I get stressed.  I also wasn't feeling well -didn't realize I was coming down with a bad cold - I took the subway there and the bus back.  Didn't wake my husband to drive me -he  was getting over a cold - and would never have dreamed of having my friends drive me or help in that way.  They have busy lives! I told certain of them that it hurt, that I was sick and when the results were -great.  But I didn't "expect" anything like "support" in that way - I like when they tell me, I offer support, I offer practical support.  But it seems to almost be an expectation on your end -is it? Sorry if I read wrong.  

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your reply 

I don't expect practical support from my friends when I am undergoing a medical procedure, not at all. Sorry if that was not clear !

I was touched that she offered it, but I declined ! I drove there myself and really, did not expect anyone to come !

It's just that she knew it was such a big deal to me, and to only "like" my message ... is very disappointing to me. 

I guess I do value emotional support.

One could argue that I did not specifically ask for it and I went to the procedure months after I shared my concerns with her, so in her mind, maybe I did not need that much reassurance ?

Having said that, she was more communicative before. 

I just have to learn to rely less on her 

 

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Also what sort of apology did you provide for being 40 minutes late? Are you often late?

 

It's rarely the case and when that happens, I am never 40 min late 😅

They had already ordered food when I arrived, and I perfectly understood. I just told them the truth, that I missed the bus, had to come home and take my car ! I think I planned poorly as well.  

I know it was rude. I was very sorry.

I am happy for your mammogram results though 🙂