Am I too needy ?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

he problem is that loneliness is only tackled by genuine and positive human interactions, at least in my case

It's not passive like that.  If  you feel lonely you have to reach out and be willing to interact positively and in a genuine way.  

To me self sufficient means I can take care of myself -all the basics (food/shelter/healthcare) as an independent adult, with rare exceptions like when I had a post partum stroke. Nothing to do with whether I desire loving friendships or marriage.  

I'm sorry you've been feeling anxious!

As an aside I used to love eating out alone -me and a good book.  One of the two or three times I dined alone at Alice Waters famous restaurant in California I ended up chatting with two ladies at the next table! I don't care at all what others think.  I don't love eating out anymore as a rule but am happy to sit at a cafe alone! 

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's not passive like that.  If  you feel lonely you have to reach out and be willing to interact positively and in a genuine way.  

To me self sufficient means I can take care of myself -all the basics (food/shelter/healthcare) as an independent adult, with rare exceptions like when I had a post partum stroke. Nothing to do with whether I desire loving friendships or marriage.  

I'm sorry you've been feeling anxious!

As an aside I used to love eating out alone -me and a good book.  One of the two or three times I dined alone at Alice Waters famous restaurant in California I ended up chatting with two ladies at the next table! I don't care at all what others think.  I don't love eating out anymore as a rule but am happy to sit at a cafe alone! 

Well, what I meant by self-sufficient is that yes of course we all want friends or a partner, but we also need to feel good in ourselves first. Like that saying: "How can other people love you if you don't love yourself." Like, if you just really absolutely can't bear to be alone and desperately need others. I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I think that friends or a partner can enrich your life, like compliment it. As in, they add something positive to your life. But it shouldn't be like: "I simply can't live if I don't have a friend." I'm not sure if that makes sense what I'm saying. I'm more so getting that vibe from OP's posts.

I could be wrong in this because I actually never felt self-conscious to go out alone. I actually went to a theatre play alone last night. I did have two tickets but on the end the other person couldn't come. But just the same I also go to theatre shows or concerts alone where I literally only get one ticket just for me. I always did this. I have friends but for some reason I didn't think anything of going anywhere alone so it didn't matter if anyone went with me.

Like, if I wanted to see a particular movie at the cinema or see a band I like. I asked people to go but they weren't interested. But I didn't want to miss out on seeing the band so I just went. But somehow I don't really notice that I'm alone, if that makes sense? Like, I'm watching the movie at the cinema and I'll be thinking something about the movie. Not "OMG I'm watching this movie all by myself." I also notice other people who are alone when I go out by myself. Because I'm not talking to friends I pay more attention to my surroundings. And I definitely see others who also go to things alone. 

At the same time I think here in Australia there isn't actually any focus on being in a couple or even going to places with other people. In cafes you'll often see people who are alone just working on their laptop or reading a book. But I guess here and especially in my city most people are friendly. It's considered acceptable say if you're passing someone in a park or in the street to say "good morning,  nice day today." I mean not everyone does that but some people do. It seems to happen even more in more rural areas.

I drove to this beach town 3.5 hours away by myself once. It's popular for whale watching so I went there for that. I actually didn't even ask anyone to go with me! I just jumped in my car and went. Again I didn't really notice I was alone except constant texts from my mother checking if I'm OK lol Anyway when I was walking around that town, people would smile to me and say; "Good evening" "hello" etc. It happened a lot.

I understand if you live in a country that's really over populated and say you're in a city of twenty million people, you might feel alone. Some cultures have that idea that you shouldn't talk to strangers. So I understand in that sense it could feel lonely and like you're bring excluded. Here I think it's not the case. It's also acceptable here to be alone. As I said, I always went out alone and nobody ever asked me why I was alone. They seemed to perceive it as normal. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well, what I meant by self-sufficient is that yes of course we all want friends or a partner, but we also need to feel good in ourselves first. Like that saying: "How can other people love you if you don't love yourself." Like, if you just really absolutely can't bear to be alone and desperately need others. I don't think it's supposed to be like that. I think that friends or a partner can enrich your life, like compliment it. As in, they add something positive to your life. But it shouldn't be like: "I simply can't live if I don't have a friend." I'm not sure if that makes sense what I'm saying. I'm more so getting that vibe from OP's posts.

I agree - our close friends and partners enhance/complement our lives. And that way during those needy times -which most of us have -it's the exception not the rule. 

I do tons of stuff alone too -I've traveled, gone to theater and movies, eating out, etc - and also I'm married and it doesn't mean he's available to go with or wants to (you know like a chick flick lol).  I don't care at all how it is perceived.  

[Mason Parsons]

It's totally normal to have these feelings, especially when a close friend gets into a new relationship and life gets busy. It's great that you're trying to expand your social circle and focus on other things too. As for your friend, it's important to communicate how you feel, but also understand that everyone has their own challenges and priorities. Maybe try talking to her when she's less stressed about how you've been feeling.

[Tinydance]

12 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you so much for your help/concern ❤️

First I want to say that I allow myself to share my darkest thoughts in these pages, but they do not impact me on a day to day basis : I am pretty content with my life, I love my work, my hobbies... and I can function normally 🙂 

My anxiety is going through the roof when I let myself spiral down with negatives thoughts, but in the last few months, I realize it "only" happens in 1-3 days a month. It's significantly more than before, but It's not too worrisome. 

I am currently going through a rough patch but hopefully, things will get better soon and writing here has helped.

Thank you about this ! Well, I am not sure ? You mean that I am only looking for informations that confirm my beliefs ? I am not sure it's accurate because thinking that romantic relationships are more valued than friendships in our culture is pretty realistic (yes, it's a generalization, I am aware it can vary according to the people). I could try to prove the opposite with rational, solids arguments but frankly, I would struggle. 

Sorry, you think I put my eggs in which basket exactly ? 

What does it mean to be self-sufficient ?

I have come to the conclusion that every time I was telling myself that I was able to be happy single and that I felt 100% fulfilled with my life, in retrospect, I had among other things, secure friendships with whom I shared a closed bond.

What I truly meant then, is that I didn't need a relationship specifically, all I needed was love, and love can come from many type of relationships (friends, family, boyfriends ...). It's still true to this day.

Does it make me not self-sufficient ? Probably, but you know what, I think the majority of human beings are like this. Few people are able to live a sustainable life without any kind of positives interactions, like you said, human are social creatures. And everyone needs to be loved. 

Now and like I said, what I miss the most is being able to text someone randomly about something that happened during my dat, or others things. But right now, I have no one to do that with apart from my sister. 

My friend now does this with her boyfriend, she meets most of her social needs with him now and I think it's the case with many people in a relationship. 

Now that I think about it, the last time I saw her, she said she went out much more than before (her boyfriend likes to party and he's very social).

But she asked if she could join one of my meetups because she was "tired" of her boyfriend's friends, she found them uninteresting. 

So I accepted, and she joined me to an event. 

I guess at this particular moment, I could have said that I would have liked to go out with her as well, but I didn't want to sound needy. 

What I am trying to articulate is that contrary to what one of you said, I do seem pretty independent and well-adjusted from an exterior point of view. I sometimes struggle to express my deepest feelings (like I do it here) and there's nothing that I hate more than sounding needy. 

So my friends in general have no idea I feel like this. They imagine that I have this "perfect" career with a "perfect" house and "perfects" vacations. 

My friend even said at one point when we last saw each other "you're not lonely !" and I thought to myself "if only you knew" lol. (I never told her because I don't want to guilt-trip her)

Plus, she's generally the one who needs reassurance because she has a fear of abandonment.

Yeah, don't worry about this, giving off a desperation vibe is the least of my concerns 😂

 It's rather the opposite, people think I am perfectly well-rounded and don't need anyone. 

You mentioned that I had an insecure attachment style, I know I am an avoidant in romantic relationships. In friendship I am secure (leaning avoidant, but it's mild).

The problem is that loneliness is only tackled by genuine and positive human interactions, at least in my case. I love it when get a positive feedback from the patients, or my coworkers or other people. It's awesome when I meet new people ... But I realize that it's not 100% fulfilling. 

I miss the close bond I had with my friend, that's all. And it's hard to replicate it with other people, it takes time to built this kind of trust and intimacy. 

Thank you 🙂 Honestly, I have been alone (not lonely) a large chunk of my life, so I think I know myself pretty well and I am definitely able to have a good time by myself, but thanks ! 

Well in terms of the confirmation bias. I'm sorry but to me it seems that you have a deep fear of being alone or "left behind". I mean you did say that you have this fear so I'm not diagnosing you with anything lol I'm just talking about something you said yourself. You are scared that your friends will ditch you for a boyfriend and people care more about their partner than you. So you're looking for research or articles that proves that this is all true. Your fear is real because it's real to YOU. But I don't think that's the full reality that people only care about romantic relationships and don't care about friendships. I think in most cultures this will be the case. If people didn't care about friendship then nobody would have friends at all. Like, people would just have a husband or wife, then divorce and have nobody. But that's not everyone's reality, right? Lots of people in relationships still have friends.

I'm sorry that you had some bad experiences where your friends got a boyfriend and you lost touch. I've had friends ditch me too but I don't think it was because of a boyfriend but because they weren't true friends or other reasons. Some reasons a couple of my female friends ditched me is I knew them for some years and then came out to them that I'm bisexual. Keep in mind I had zero romantic interest in them and zero advances towards them. They didn't feel comfortable that I'm bisexual/they're homophobic so they basically ended the friendship. Like I understand about people drifting or ditching you but it seems you are very adamant that all of that is always because they got a boyfriend.

I see what you mean that your friend is getting her social needs through her boyfriend and not through you. It's normal you miss her but she doesn't "have" to make sure your social needs are met. I'm not getting the impression that she's actually ditched you. You gave even recent examples in your posts that she asked you to catch up and you went to an event. You said she is talking to you about her boyfriend or what she's up to. So obviously she is answering your messages. If she wanted to just ditch you, she wouldn't go to an event with you or message you back etc. She could easily just ignore you. Which she's not doing right? She's just living her life and spending time with her partner which is normal. 

I'm not diagnosing your attachment style as in secure, avoidant, etc. I was simply saying your attachment to your friend isn't healthy in the sense that you are really fixated on her. You were saying why do your friends get obsessed with their boyfriend and only focus on the boyfriend. But why are you only focusing on this one friend like she's literally your everything on life? I'm sorry but yes that is needy.

There is a difference between wanting to have friends and putting that full hope on one friend that they're your everything and you're just miserable without them. Like, if someone had a partner and the partner went away for three months, of course they'll miss them. But if their partner just went to work for the day and they're depressed and lonely coz the partner isn't there, that's not healthy attachment. Nothing wrong with wanting to have friends but in your case it's too dependent. It's exactly the same as women who are never happy unless they have a guy. 

 

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Okay, good. I think ‘we’ as a collective bunch of strangers on the Internet are well meaning but over-reaching into diagnosing your personality or ascribing characteristics to your mental health based on a few sentences. We ALL struggle at times. You don’t need to defend yourself to us.

Observations about which weighs more, a partner or a friend gets so far out into the weeds that it’s not even useful. You feel how you feel. The problem only comes when you translate those into any binary always/never narratives that cast you into a role of being inherently ‘wrong’ for not having found a partner or ‘bad’ for feeling a loss when a friend pulls away. We’ve ALL experienced this kind of divergence in friendships, to at least some degree, as very few friends can live perfectly parallel states throughout their lifetimes.

So defending your perceptions to strangers is not useful. Plenty of people have offered our own examples of situations that have made us feel the same way. So you’re in excellent company with good people throughout the world. While this may not alleviate the loneliness of your immediate experience, it does serve to confirm that you are not alone in your feelings during this transition from enjoying the consistent companionship of one best friend to expanding your reach to incorporate more friendships into your life.

And you are correct, that takes time. And you’ve been working it well! In the course of this thread, you’ve been getting out, meeting people, and you’ve even enjoyed a good catch up with the friend in question, resulting in a more peaceful and relaxed regard for her!

So I’m not clear why some people here are dragging you back into examination of your initial posts in this thread rather than congratulating you for the wonderful work you’ve been doing. I’d suggest not going down that road, but rather, refer folks to the midpoint of this thread for examples of your proactive approach.

Meanwhile, share your thoughts and memes with your sister as you look forward to her visit, even while you continue cultivating your new friendships. GREAT JOB!!

I wasn't trying to diagnose any disorder or personality or anything but was only referring to the fears OP mentioned herself. I think that's what can cause the anxiety, the generalisation that you mentioned. E.g. "All my friends will leave me for a boyfriend", "society only values romantic relationships", "I'll be left by myself". These are really broad and black and white statements. Some people really value romantic relationships but some people don't. I have friends who don't want marriage or kids. One of my friends is actually from India and she's 40 and never wanted kids and now doesn't want a partner either. I'm literally quoting her: "I don't need a guy, only my friends and cats" lol

[boltnrun]

The problem with relying on someone to relieve loneliness is there's a tendency to not only leap on the first person who comes along (regardless of their suitability) but there's also a tendency to become overly dependent on that person. So if they go out of town or have to work extra hours you feel abandoned or even depressed. Or if they're insensitive or even mean and/or abusive there's a tendency to put up with being mistreated just so you won't go back to being 'alone'. 

So you can decide "I am lonely and I desire human connection. But I am going to be selective about who I allow into my inner circle." Both can coexist.