Am I too needy ?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Another thing about her not confiding in you about her dating is that maybe she senses that you don't really approve of her relationship?

Good point -an example -I have a friend for the last number of years who I met after I got married.  We are both married/kids same age-ish.  In context one day  I shared how I chose my wedding dress and its color based on the fact that I was in my 8th month when we married. (I shared this a year ago or so -my son is almost 15). 

She was actually shocked and in a judgy way.  I was really surprised she was shocked -to me it was obviously more unusual but these days - happens and it's no biggie pun intended. Ever since her "judgment" - her "shocked" was followed by "wow I never knew that!!" -I've been less open with her about certain things.  I wasn't a fan of her reaction.  Just watch how you respond to sharing of atypical news and even if you're asked input - err on the side of deferring to your friend's judgment.  You did NOTHING wrong -I think you are a good well meaning friend just suggestions on fine tuning. 

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your reply ! 
I have two close friends : her and another one who’s currently traveling the world 😊 

Apart from them, I have 5 casual friends that live in my city, and others elsewhere. I have met 3 of them in the last few months as I made efforts to socialize more ! 

I am certain she sees me as a close friend as well, she said it several time, and she also has another one who lives a few hours away. 
I had to move away a lot due to my studies those past few years, and I remember she was sad every time I left, and she seemed happy that I chose to settle here. 
 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

She's still my best friend but for 16 years now since she met her husband we don't actually catch up or talk that much. We catch up maybe once a couple or a few months and we talk every few weeks. The thing is I have a lot of friends so during the times I don't interact with her, I just hang out with my other friends. 

It’s very interesting. Were you ever sad that you had to see her less ? 
 

I try to do that too ! I distract myself with others friends and it’s great, but in between, I have no one if I want to talk about deep emotional issues, you know ? 
The friendship I have with others is more shallow. Sure it can develop with time, but for now, it’s just like that ! 
 

Since my other best friend is abroad, we don’t catch up with her very often either. 

I am sorry, I feel like a baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Even if hypothetically this friend isn't reaching out to you as much anymore, you can't just sit there by your phone waiting to hear from her.

Omg, dont worry, I don’t do that !!! 

I am perfectly aware that it’s not her job to solve my loneliness, and honestly, she has every right to ditch me is she wants. She does not owe me anything. So even if she wanted to cut me off and to focus on her bf,  it’s not something I could be mad about. Hurt ? Sure, but not mad. 

Having me as a friend is not an obligation, I am well aware of that fact. 

 

 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

actually not your friend's fault that she found a partner but you have anxieties about dating. That's your responsibility to work on that, which you are so that's great! It's also not your friend's responsibility to make sure you're not lonely - it's yours. I don't think she necessarily doesn't care about you at all but she just has a life of her own. You really need a life of your own as well.

Okay, writing this going to make me cry : 

Every woman in my family has been really unlucky in love, either married and suffering because of an abusive man, or single.

I don’t know why but a healthy, happy relationship has never seemed attainable to me ? 

Sometimes, I feel really anxious about the fact that I won’t ever find a compatible partner.

I often have these thoughts crossing my mind «I am different, romance is not really for me » 

« I am not compatible with anyone » "I am not lucky enough to form a meaningful relationship" … 

I am currently learning to identify these as … just thoughts and not reality, but it’s hard sometime 😅 

Also if I let myself frame the world with these thoughts, it’s going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I am aware of that 😅

Anyway, on the bright side, I learnt to rely on others things to bring me happiness in life 😊

Regarding this friend specifically, I have always had this feeling that she would leave me as soon as she found a good guy, because she’s the opposite of me in that department : she is unfortunately depressed when she has no man in her life.  
 

When we were 21, we went to a bar and I was very sad then (even though I have a cheerful personality, I know you would not think so reading my post, but it’s really true lol), I don’t even remember why I was feeling sad at the moment 🤔
 

As soon as a guy showered my friend with attention, she started flirting back and dancing with him. 
I was not in the mood so I just stayed in my chair. 
The friend of this guy came up, sitted next to me, recognized I was not doing well and tried to cheer me up and jokingly said« you don’t look well, it looks like both of us were abandoned by our friends 😛 ». 

I did not want to speak badly about my friend so I didn’t talk much. 

She spent an hour or so with that guy, and then we went home. 
I never said anything to her about this, I just knew she was like this and I had to accept her. 
 
We were close with another girl with whom I stopped any contact in 2020 because our friendship became unhealthy. 

In 2022, this other girl abruptly decided to end her friendship with my friend throwing awful attacks among which « you are addicted to male’s validation » …
 

She talked to me about this and I reassured her that it was not the case ! 

But now I wonder if this statement was 100% wrong. Of course, it was still wrong ad cruel to say it to her when breaking up with her, but there was some truth to it. 
I am still compassionate because I know her background and where it comes from !

But I don’t know if I can rely on her as a true friend from now on 😅 

I am happy she finally found a great guy, it’s great, but would not it be best if I found single friend who valued friendship as much as I do ? 

If a romantic connection is the only thing that makes someone happy, wouldn't it be logical that this person would place said relationship above everything else ? 

That had always been my deepest fear regarding our friendship, knowing that I was just a "placeholder" before she would found a man. 

Whereas others types of relationship bring me happiness, and a romantic partner would only be "the cherry on top of the cake" in my life, because it's not the only form of love I rely on (Well, if I solve my avoidant attachment issues)

 

[Batya33]

I got married at 42 and I’m 57 for sure I had lots of single friends in my teens and 20s but my wisdom I want to share is - try not to focus too much on stages of life or ages. Good friends are gems and come in all statuses and ages and genders. Status meaning married single mommified etc. for an activity partner sure. Otherwise if you connect with someone go with it. People who value connection make time for each other even if it means meeting at unusual times of day or not meeting at all for a long time. 
I don’t focus on Mom Friends now and never have by way of example. 
You seem like a very genuine person and a good friend. You mean well. That means a great deal to people who value friendship. 

[Shycarrot]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

She was actually shocked and in a judgy way.  I was really surprised she was shocked -to me it was obviously more unusual but these days - happens and it's no biggie pun intended. E

I am so sorry ... 

 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You really need a life of your own as well.

Do you mean I should get into a relationship as well ? 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I don't really see why you're making a big deal about the professor boyfriend? To me it would depend on the actual situation in which they started dating and what is the university policy on dating

Really, I changed my mind about this ! It seems like a good and healthy relationship, so everything's fine on my side ! 

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The original post was in December so to be "last year" would need to be nearly a whole year earlier that he was her professor.

Yes, he was her professor in June 2023. She met him for a coffee in august 2023 and they started dating without knowing if he still would be her professor next September. 

She managed to avoid all courses with him on the first semester. I don't know anything about her current semester, but that's none of my business 

6 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Another thing about her not confiding in you about her dating is that maybe she senses that you don't really approve of her relationship?

I don't know. I don't think we have this kind of relationship. She usually has no problem confessing things she feels ashamed about because she knows I don't judge her. 

And the fact that she's this vulnerable with me makes me makes me even more thoughtful, because I would not want to hurt her. 

But about this situation specifically, I don't know ... She was definitely more vocal about the guy just before him 🤔

And she was still very into the last guy when she met the professor, so I don't know why she suddenly stopped sharing. 

I can't read her mind, so I really have no idea, that could be many things 

 

 

[catfeeder]

On 2/18/2024 at 1:27 PM, Shycarrot said:

It's just that in my case, I work in different places as a substitute doctor. So it's just a bit more complicated but I try to interact with my coworkers as much as possible 

Good, take potential friends with you as contacts, and continue cultivating relationships with them.

Some of my most generous mentors helped me while I was a contractor. A temp! No political value to them whatsoever. They had no reason to invest in me beyond their own willingness to do so. They liked my openness and my humor and my respect for them.

Sometimes that's all it takes for seeds. From there, see if you can find a common interest or two, or otherwise find out the kinds of food they like and offer to treat them for a bite now and then. You'd be surprised what can grow, and you'll thank yourself.

[boltnrun]

I met four of my closest friends at work. One of them became a close friend when a different coworker offhandedly mentioned to me that a few people were getting together after work and when she realized it might be rude not to invite me, she did. I ended up going and me and two of the other people there hit it off, one a little more than the other. Nine years later we are all still good friends. Another coworker became a close friend when she interned in my department and I supervised her. 

You never know when you're going to meet people you hit it off with.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you so much for your reply ! 
I have two close friends : her and another one who’s currently traveling the world 😊 

Apart from them, I have 5 casual friends that live in my city, and others elsewhere. I have met 3 of them in the last few months as I made efforts to socialize more ! 

I am certain she sees me as a close friend as well, she said it several time, and she also has another one who lives a few hours away. 
I had to move away a lot due to my studies those past few years, and I remember she was sad every time I left, and she seemed happy that I chose to settle here. 
 

It’s very interesting. Were you ever sad that you had to see her less ? 
 

I try to do that too ! I distract myself with others friends and it’s great, but in between, I have no one if I want to talk about deep emotional issues, you know ? 
The friendship I have with others is more shallow. Sure it can develop with time, but for now, it’s just like that ! 
 

Since my other best friend is abroad, we don’t catch up with her very often either. 

I am sorry, I feel like a baby 🤦🏻‍♀️

 

Omg, dont worry, I don’t do that !!! 

I am perfectly aware that it’s not her job to solve my loneliness, and honestly, she has every right to ditch me is she wants. She does not owe me anything. So even if she wanted to cut me off and to focus on her bf,  it’s not something I could be mad about. Hurt ? Sure, but not mad. 

Having me as a friend is not an obligation, I am well aware of that fact. 

 

 

Okay, writing this going to make me cry : 

Every woman in my family has been really unlucky in love, either married and suffering because of an abusive man, or single.

I don’t know why but a healthy, happy relationship has never seemed attainable to me ? 

Sometimes, I feel really anxious about the fact that I won’t ever find a compatible partner.

I often have these thoughts crossing my mind «I am different, romance is not really for me » 

« I am not compatible with anyone » "I am not lucky enough to form a meaningful relationship" … 

I am currently learning to identify these as … just thoughts and not reality, but it’s hard sometime 😅 

Also if I let myself frame the world with these thoughts, it’s going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, I am aware of that 😅

Anyway, on the bright side, I learnt to rely on others things to bring me happiness in life 😊

Regarding this friend specifically, I have always had this feeling that she would leave me as soon as she found a good guy, because she’s the opposite of me in that department : she is unfortunately depressed when she has no man in her life.  
 

When we were 21, we went to a bar and I was very sad then (even though I have a cheerful personality, I know you would not think so reading my post, but it’s really true lol), I don’t even remember why I was feeling sad at the moment 🤔
 

As soon as a guy showered my friend with attention, she started flirting back and dancing with him. 
I was not in the mood so I just stayed in my chair. 
The friend of this guy came up, sitted next to me, recognized I was not doing well and tried to cheer me up and jokingly said« you don’t look well, it looks like both of us were abandoned by our friends 😛 ». 

I did not want to speak badly about my friend so I didn’t talk much. 

She spent an hour or so with that guy, and then we went home. 
I never said anything to her about this, I just knew she was like this and I had to accept her. 
 
We were close with another girl with whom I stopped any contact in 2020 because our friendship became unhealthy. 

In 2022, this other girl abruptly decided to end her friendship with my friend throwing awful attacks among which « you are addicted to male’s validation » …
 

She talked to me about this and I reassured her that it was not the case ! 

But now I wonder if this statement was 100% wrong. Of course, it was still wrong ad cruel to say it to her when breaking up with her, but there was some truth to it. 
I am still compassionate because I know her background and where it comes from !

But I don’t know if I can rely on her as a true friend from now on 😅 

I am happy she finally found a great guy, it’s great, but would not it be best if I found single friend who valued friendship as much as I do ? 

If a romantic connection is the only thing that makes someone happy, wouldn't it be logical that this person would place said relationship above everything else ? 

That had always been my deepest fear regarding our friendship, knowing that I was just a "placeholder" before she would found a man. 

Whereas others types of relationship bring me happiness, and a romantic partner would only be "the cherry on top of the cake" in my life, because it's not the only form of love I rely on (Well, if I solve my avoidant attachment issues)

 

Well I totally understand where you're coming from in terms of highly valuing friendship because I'm exactly the same. But where I think maybe you've got an unrealistic expectation is that you said: "Would it not be better if I found a single friend who values friendship as much as I do." I don't think that you can actually rely on the fact that a friend will always be single. Especially as you are 29 so that's an age where many people are starting to think about settling down, having kids, etc. So I think you need to have a mindset that as you don't particularly want a relationship (scared to have one?), you will be single but your friends may go in and out of relationships or even get married and have a family. Of course it's nice to have girl friends who are single and have lots of time for you but you've just got no control over whether they'll stay single or not. So rather than constantly looking for new single friends, what you might need to do is try to adapt to the changes in the friendship if your female friends get into relationships.

In answer to your question, no I wasn't sad when my friendship with my best friend changed. I was actually jealous when she got engaged to her husband lol But I wasn't jealous in the sense that I thought she was ditching me but only because I really wanted to get married but I didn't have anyone. I was quite envious of what she had but no I never felt sad that the friendship changed.

As I said though, I was very lucky because I randomly went to a Meetup and I met my other best friend there. Weirdly the Meetup got cancelled after I went to it only a couple of times. She added me to Facebook and as we're both bisexual we began going to a lot of GLBTIQ events. To be honest at first I didn't feel like she was an instant bestie but we kept going to events and the connection was growing slowly. After about six months of hanging out I began to feel the closeness. So building a friendship isn't instant and can be a slow process. You have acquaintances now but you never know if you make more effort whether they could actually become close friends.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

Of course it's nice to have girl friends who are single and have lots of time for you but you've just got no control over whether they'll stay single or not.

I think single people have more time to go out at night or go away for a weekend if they don't have family responsibiltiies -like caring for siblings or aging parents - but I didn't have more time when I was single because of my career and also because -I spent a lot of time going on dates/pursuing dating/events where I could meet men (so if a friend wanted to go too -cool -but that wasn't always the case.  Never loved the notion that single people have all this free time and are carefree.  It depends which is why I recommended to the OP not to focus on marital status.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

... «I am different, romance is not really for me » « I am not compatible with anyone » "I am not lucky enough to form a meaningful relationship" … 

I am currently learning to identify these as … just thoughts and not reality, but it’s hard sometime 😅 

It might be helpful to reframe these to avoid hypnotizing yourself into believing inaccuracies and then making them become true. <<We are each unique, and there are matches for me when I'm ready.>> <<I will enjoy my compatibility with those who can see me through the right lens.>> <<I am as worthy for a meaningful relationship as anyone else.>>

Be careful of playing out 'The Ugly Duckling' unnecessarily rather than trusting your emerging Swan.

[Tinydance]

5 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

It might be helpful to reframe these to avoid hypnotizing yourself into believing inaccuracies and then making them become true. <<We are each unique, and there are matches for me when I'm ready.>> <<I will enjoy my compatibility with those who can see me through the right lens.>> <<I am as worthy for a meaningful relationship as anyone else.>>

Be careful of playing out 'The Ugly Duckling' unnecessarily rather than trusting your emerging Swan.

Yes and OP seemed to be talking about this like it's some kind of family curse because all the women in her family were either in unhappy or abusive relationships. I'm pretty sure curses don't exist so it's not some kind if hex that had been put on. These women chose to be in those kinds of relationships but that doesn't mean that OP has to follow the same path. And even if curses were real, they can be broken!

[Shycarrot]

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

But where I think maybe you've got an unrealistic expectation is that you said: "Would it not be better if I found a single friend who values friendship as much as I do." I don't think that you can actually rely on the fact that a friend will always be single

I know, I know 

I should have said : maybe I should find friends who value friendship as much as I do, regardless of their marital status ! 

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think you need to have a mindset that as you don't particularly want a relationship (scared to have one?)

It's not that I do not want a relationship, it's just that it's scary to me. But deep deep down, I think I would like to be able to be in one without freaking out.

Apparently there's hope. Some people have been able to overcome this kind of issue, so I am in therapy in hope that it can be me someday 😅

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So rather than constantly looking for new single friends, what you might need to do is try to adapt to the changes in the friendship if your female friends get into relationships.

Yes, I know you are right ! 

I try to be supportive from a distance. Just like I fully supported her when she went back to university, I have to be proud and happy that she is finally in a good relationship ! 🙂 

Even if that means that I have to see her less !

Theoretically, that's the person/friend I want to be.

But I admit I do have this annoying feeling sometimes that our friendship is just less meaningful to her, that it's just a placeholder, you know, before something better comes in. I am always reminded of the bar incident, like a flashback 

I think it's specific to her, I don't feel that way when other friends find a bf. 

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

In answer to your question, no I wasn't sad when my friendship with my best friend changed. I was actually jealous when she got engaged to her husband lol But I wasn't jealous in the sense that I thought she was ditching me but only because I really wanted to get married but I didn't have anyone. I was quite envious of what she had but no I never felt sad that the friendship changed.

 

Oh no I am really sorry, that must have been difficult ! Hope everything worked out for you in the end 🙂 

And of course, I hope it did not damage your friendship ! 

23 hours ago, Tinydance said:

As I said though, I was very lucky because I randomly went to a Meetup and I met my other best friend there. Weirdly the Meetup got cancelled after I went to it only a couple of times. She added me to Facebook and as we're both bisexual we began going to a lot of GLBTIQ events. To be honest at first I didn't feel like she was an instant bestie but we kept going to events and the connection was growing slowly. After about six months of hanging out I began to feel the closeness. So building a friendship isn't instant and can be a slow process. You have acquaintances now but you never know if you make more effort whether they could actually become close friends

Great 🙂 

You're perfectly right ! 

I have a busy day, so I am going to answer to the other posters later ! See you later 🙂 

[catfeeder]

25 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

But I admit I do have this annoying feeling sometimes that our friendship is just less meaningful to her, that it's just a placeholder, you know, before something better comes in. I am always reminded of the bar incident, like a flashback 

I think it's specific to her, I don't feel that way when other friends find a bf. 

This is a reasonable observation. The whole bailing on single friends thing with some people, once they find a partner, is far more common than any of us would like, and yet I think you are right when you say that you can spot this in a person.

I've met my share of women who play the 'good-girlfriend' until she's bought a drink in a bar, and then, buh-bye... she disappears, and too bad for any friend who may have traveled there with her. It's funny how this will often be a woman who boasts having male friends but doesn't tend to get along so well with females--maybe they're just jealous of her.

So this is why I'm glad to see you keeping an open mind to forming friendships with different age groups and regardless of partner status. Good friends are about their investment in you and their appreciation for your investment in them--they're not about using you as a wing-woman until they can land themselves a partner.

[Shycarrot]

On 2/20/2024 at 1:17 AM, catfeeder said:

It might be helpful to reframe these to avoid hypnotizing yourself into believing inaccuracies and then making them become true. <<We are each unique, and there are matches for me when I'm ready.>> <<I will enjoy my compatibility with those who can see me through the right lens.>> <<I am as worthy for a meaningful relationship as anyone else.>>

Thank you 

It’s really beautiful, but how do I know it’s true ? 
I can’t know for sure I will meet someone compatible, right ? 

All I know is that it has not happened yet and I don’t know if it will never happen 
But I can’t promise myself it will, either. All I can do is try ? 
 

I am very sorry, it was my birthday recently, that’s why I am sometimes a bit depressed 😅

[Shycarrot]

On 2/21/2024 at 12:45 AM, catfeeder said:

I've met my share of women who play the 'good-girlfriend' until she's bought a drink in a bar, and then, buh-bye... she disappears, and too bad for any friend who may have traveled there with her. It's funny how this will often be a woman who boasts having male friends but doesn't tend to get along so well with females--maybe they're just jealous of her.

I am sorry you experienced this too, it’s awful 😅

Yes, definitely ! 

On 2/20/2024 at 1:25 AM, Tinydance said:

Yes and OP seemed to be talking about this like it's some kind of family curse because all the women in her family were either in unhappy or abusive relationships. I'm pretty sure curses don't exist so it's not some kind if hex that had been put on

I really hope you’re right 😅 

I don’t even believe in curses either 

 

Thank you again for your help ❤️

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 

It’s really beautiful, but how do I know it’s true ? 
I can’t know for sure I will meet someone compatible, right ? 

All I know is that it has not happened yet and I don’t know if it will never happen 
But I can’t promise myself it will, either. All I can do is try ? 
 

I am very sorry, it was my birthday recently, that’s why I am sometimes a bit depressed 😅

It doesn't happen passively.  Gotta be in it to win it as they say. Of course there are no guarantees in matters of the heart -friendship included!

[catfeeder]

8 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you 

It’s really beautiful, but how do I know it’s true ? 
I can’t know for sure I will meet someone compatible, right ? 

All I know is that it has not happened yet and I don’t know if it will never happen 
But I can’t promise myself it will, either. All I can do is try ? 
 

I am very sorry, it was my birthday recently, that’s why I am sometimes a bit depressed 😅

Consider the statements as universal. They level the playing field for all people because they are not based on luck or fate or destiny or divine assignments. Finding a partner, or even good friends, is about skills and a willingness to learn the skills. Luck has nothing to do with our participation. But even the laziest lottery winner has made the effort to buy a ticket.

Skills can be learned if the willingness is there. So while nothing and nobody can guarantee that we will operate in our own best interests rather than through self-sabotage, do you believe that's it's wiser for a basketball player to envision that she or he CAN play well and make baskets and support the team, or should that player's self talk hypnotize the player into feeling like a worm who is a fake and isn't really lucky enough to succeed?

You don't need to talk yourself into believing in magic. But you CAN talk yourself into believing in your very real capabilities to learn what it takes to get what you want. However, if your motivations are mixed, it's far easier to talk yourself out of possibilities because then you won't feel responsible for self sabotage.

Decide whether you want a partner to please your family, or whether you might feel fine on your own but too uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing your family.

 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Decide whether you want a partner to please your family, or whether you might feel fine on your own but too uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing your family.

Really, my willingness to find a partner has little to do with my family. 
It’s just that my family’s pressure is adding to my guilt and self-doubt. I wonder a lot if being single is my « fault », even more so after my mother asks me why it hasn’t happened yet. 
If I had had another proper relationship maybe I would have felt different ? (I don’t know, I can only suppose) 
 

I did not even have sex with my ex. I didn’t trust him enough (and since he was truly awful, I understand why). 

Since I am not into casual sex, I figured it would happen when I meet a decent men, someone I would be able to trust. 
But umm … that hasn’t happened. 

Am I am able to be happy single ? Sure, I know I was 6 months ago ! I did go through waves now and then about my (lack of) love life, but it was fleeting, pretty rare and I always bounced back thinking about how my life was fulfilling in its own way.  
 

But now ? My mental health has taken a toll. 
I barely speak to my closest friend, so I have to grieve the close friendship we had before. 

And I turned 30 recently which reminded me that I am not getting any younger now. 
 

Regarding my friend, she wished me a happy birthday, apologized for not replying to my old texts to which I replied « no problem ». 

But she hasn’t replied to the old texts in question lol. She, again, stopped replying. 
Is it normal that I don’t even look forward to seeing her next week ? 
I am annoyed at her. 

I try to acknowledge that it’s a difficult time for me, and to practice self compassion 😅
 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Finding a partner, or even good friends, is about skills and a willingness to learn the skills. Luck has nothing to do with our participation. But even the laziest lottery winner has made the effort to buy a ticket.

I don’t know. 
I think finding a someone with whom you can have a good relationship is random » to some extent. All things being equals (looks, social skills, extraversion …) I think people will meet a good match at various times. 
Maybe one will meet someone in 1 year and someone else in 5 ? 
 

Or course, the more you people you meet the more you increase your chances, that’s statistics. 

 But it does not depend entirely on you, I think. 
 

Now I suppose I could have a boyfriend in one month if I wanted to. Most of the guys I dated wanted to have second date but I declined. 

So in theory I think I could. But it would not be the type of relationship I want 

 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

do you believe that's it's wiser for a basketball player to envision that she or he CAN play well and make baskets and support the team, or should that player's self talk hypnotize the player into feeling like a worm who is a fake and isn't really lucky enough to succeed?

That’s a great point ! 
 
Well, yes, you should definitely think positively ! 
I admit I easily get stuck in negative self talk. But I still try to socialize 😅
What’s effective, is trying to replace the old thoughts with new, more logical one. 
 

Instead of thinking « I have never fallen in love at 30, unlike the vast majority of people, so I don’t see why that will happen » 

I try to tell myself « I can’t be sure that it won’t happen. Logically, it may happen someday » 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Skills can be learned if the willingness is there

Sorry; but what kind of skills are you referring to ? 

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Sorry; but what kind of skills are you referring to ? 

How about resiliency, people skills, dating skills, relationship skills--any and every kind of life skill that would prevent you from spinning yourself into a self fulfilling prophesy of believing that you are somehow deficient or unworthy of a loving relationship just because you haven't found one by age 30?

[Shycarrot]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How about resiliency, people skills, dating skills, relationship skills--

I think I could definitely cultivate resiliency in this particular matter. 
As for the others skills, I don’t think I have trouble socializing, making new friends, dating … 

Like I said, everyone I meet is surprised I haven’t found anyone in such a long time. 
Personally, I just don’t understand why I haven’t been interested in many people in all these years

Even when I put the same amount of effort, that just does not happen, I don’t meet anyone I match with.

Isn’t that healthy to reassess myself ?

To give you an example, I went to a huge meetup event 6 months ago, was introduced to 5 guys, went to talk with 2 of them who were closer to my age. I even matched on OkCupid with one of them a few weeks later 

But nothing came out, you know.
I talked for a few days with the guy on OkC, but 

1) he indicated he had conservative values in his bios 

2) he talked mainly about himself 

so I had to let if go. 
 
Meanwhile, my friends goes to a photography event, in April 2023, has a huge crush on a guy. They date for a few months, but she stopped seing him in August because she feels like he’s less invested than her. 
she meets the professor in August, and in September, and she starts dating him, when she was still hung up on the former guy. Her current boyfriend had to tell her to chose between the two and she chose the professor. 

So her love life is filled, while mine is empty. 
I could give many more examples !
 

Sure, I would have passed on these guys because they don’t meet my standards. Both drink heavily, the first had money issues, suffered from depression and was currently unemployed. I could be friend with someone like this, especially because he seemed very kind. 
But I couldn’t date him. Am I a monster ??

The professor has a party lifestyle, also drinks a lot, does coke sometimes and has money issues as well because while he works part-time at the university, he has trouble finding a complementary job.  Again, I would not have dated him. 
 

Maybe I am being too close-minded or cold-hearted for not knowing to appreciate different profiles. 
I don’t know, I am kinda lost …
 

My sister tells me I am too picky on things like value … 

And a more casual friend admitted that I impressed guys and that I was too selective. But again, I would not date the guys she sees.  They also drink, smoke a lot tend to be very flaky.
She added (and I don’t know if that’s true), that the friend dating the professor had told her I was too picky.
I am not sure about that because she has always said that I was single due to circumstances, and that is was difficult to find a good match. 
 

But thinking she may have said that hurts me deeply, especially since she’s the one that knows me the most 
 

My parents have never praised me for anything that I do on the contrary, so as a result I struggle with self esteem. 
 

But I have always been told I was conventionally attractive. I could even send you a picture if you wanted. 
On the big5, I score high in agreeableness,  openness, somewhat high in extraversion … and yes, you guessed it, neuroticism 😂 (I am prone to anxiety, not anger)
 

But we have a very similar personality with my friend and she has no trouble falling in love, so I don’t think it has anything to do with my personality. 

Plus, I know plenty of anxious people in a relationship 🤔

The therapist isn’t really helpful because she seemed to focus on the fact I had to give in to casual sex, and I don’t want to. 
 

I feel like something is wrong with me, but I can’t pinpoint it. 
 

My theory is that I am indeed too cautious in selecting partners 😅 

And I tend to rationalise a lot before allowing me to feel something. 

 

[Shycarrot]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

any and every kind of life skill that would prevent you from spinning yourself into a self fulfilling prophesy

I think I spin into those self fulfilling prophesy because I realize despite my efforts to meet people, I have trouble to find someone who interests me romantically, contrary to my friends. 
 

I dont  think it has anything to do with the skills you mentioned ?

Also, should I see my friend next week ? I am not sure I want to, I am hurt we aren’t as close anymore and I am scared seeing her will trigger negative self talk. 
 

We used to reassure one another in those moments of self-doubts. I remember she was scared of being a burden in a relationship, because of her depression 
And she would help me when I was feeling like there was no one there for me. 
 

But I don’t feel as close to her anymore, so I would not even be able to talk to her about that. 

Plus, it would probably be inappropriate and I would feel ashamed 

[Batya33]

I went to many many singles events and singles retreats and singles resorts and spoke to many men and danced with men and what you describe as far as  your rate of "success" is totally normal.  I dated on and off for 24 years.  People will be surprised at lots of things that aren't seemingly "the norm" -I got those comments about "still single??" so many times it was nauseating and now it shifts to -at times -why did we have "only one" child, why don't I do X and Y that "most moms" do, why don't I want to live in a private house in the burbs, and on and on and on.  Social media (which I love for certain purposes) makes it worse even with the silly "let's normalize.... being single/having an only child whatever. Just tune. it. out.  It's silly nonsense.  Take the long way around and  take input sparingly from people who care and if you ask.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I think I spin into those self fulfilling prophesy because I realize despite my efforts to meet people, I have trouble to find someone who interests me romantically, contrary to my friends. 

I dont  think it has anything to do with the skills you mentioned ?

Your posts are great, SC. I mentioned resiliency first is because there is nothing inherently 'wrong' with not finding a partner by age 30. Or 35. Or 45--other than talking yourself into a prophecy that there must be something inherently 'wrong' with you. If you want to do that, you can. It's not against the law, it'll just make you miserable for no useful reason, and it can become self-fulfilling.

You're spinning your wheels trying to come up with an answer, as though being able to pinpoint and fix that 'wrong' thing would answer why you haven't found your partner by now and produce the right match for you. But up to half of those who've coupled in their 20's will be separated or divorced by the time you marry, so don't envy them. 

I was walking a park with the woman I described who was desperate enough to ditch her friends in bars. We saw an elderly couple cuddling on a bench. She said, "Oh, I envy their history together." I asked, "How do you know they didn't just meet?" We have life stages embedded in our psyche, so the thought of people coupling 2 or many times and finding one another later in life isn't even a thing young people can fathom.

You are NOT too picky when you allow bad matches to pass early. In fact, I felt horrible for you struggling to continue dating the guy you didn't really like. No need to do that. It makes dating too difficult, and for zero payoff. I think I'd try relaxing some judgments about photos that don't make you swoon with attraction if the rest of a man's profile is good, mainly because I've often found people far more attractive in real life than I've seen in photos--some people just don't photograph well.

Otherwise, if you're confident in your dating and relating skills, then you'll ramp up your dating when you feel up to it, and you'll pull back and rest when you don't. That's natural. Just stop inflicting pressure on yourself, and don't allow your family to bully you into taking on a match that will not make you happy. THAT is a hell-on-earth sentence. If you think you feel discomfort now, doing that would only magnify it by a thousand.

Stay true to yourself. Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

 On the big5, I score high in agreeableness,  openness, somewhat high in extraversion … and yes, you guessed it, neuroticism.I am prone to anxiety, 

That's really interesting. eHarmony uses the big 5  in their questionnaire, and interestingly 20% of applicants are rejected and....you guessed it.... too high on neuroticism. Unfortunately people with this are hard to get along with and don't do well in relationships.

However neuroticism is not a clinical diagnosis. So you can treat whatever anxiety, mood issues, or underlying things manifest as  neuroticism. 

Please also reflect that your friends, family and general cultural pressure seems to be the only reason you want to date. However maybe you simply don't want to be "smothered" as you say, meaning you're actually not "picky", just uninterested in relationships or marriage at this time.

Please take care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Not to find dates or appease family, but to feel better in general. 

[Shycarrot]

On 2/23/2024 at 5:51 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately people with this are hard to get along with and don't do well in relationships.

I don't score that high and I only suffer from anxieties in certain settings, no mood swings nor anger issues. I know you mean well, but you can't say that I am hard to get along with or that I don't do well in relationship without knowing me. No offense

 

On 2/23/2024 at 5:51 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please also reflect that your friends, family and general cultural pressure seems to be the only reason you want to date. However maybe you simply don't want to be "smothered" as you say, meaning you're actually not "picky", just uninterested in relationships or marriage at this time.

I am "picky" because I don't feel "incomplete" or like I must find someone in order to be happy. I have already built a life that I really enjoy (with some moments of self-doubts obviously, lol)

I only want someone who will add to my happiness, not just anyone. In that sense, I am picky ! I am not picky because I am uninterested in men or marriage. 

When I say I don't want to feel smothered, what I mean is that I want someone who can also be happy on his own and is quite an independent person.  I can't be someone's sole source of happiness, that would be suffocating for me. 

And I know myself, that would guilt me into staying with the person forever knowing he would be left in pieces if we ever break up ! That's too much pressure

On 2/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, catfeeder said:

there is nothing inherently 'wrong' with not finding a partner by age 30. Or 35. Or 45--other than talking yourself into a prophecy that there must be something inherently 'wrong' with you

Thank you so much, I feel way better after reading this 🙏

 

On 2/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, catfeeder said:

But up to half of those who've coupled in their 20's will be separated or divorced by the time you marry, so don't envy them.

Thank you again, that gives me some perspective ! 

 

On 2/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, catfeeder said:

I think I'd try relaxing some judgments about photos that don't make you swoon with attraction if the rest of a man's profile is good, mainly because I've often found people far more attractive in real life than I've seen in photos--some people just don't photograph well.

Great advice ! I agree, I generally find my dates more attractive in real life so I give myself some leeway 

 

On 2/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, catfeeder said:

You are NOT too picky when you allow bad matches to pass early

Thank you. Don't you think I am being judgy when I try to avoid men who are smokers/heavy drinkers/drug users ?

Sorry, I don't want to ask too many questions 😅

On 2/23/2024 at 3:21 PM, catfeeder said:

Otherwise, if you're confident in your dating and relating skills, then you'll ramp up your dating when you feel up to it, and you'll pull back and rest when you don't. That's natural. Just stop inflicting pressure on yourself,

Thank you !!!