Is it cheating after two dates?

[Ainsley7891]

Hello Redditors,

I [f34] am in a relatively new relationship my boyfriend [m41]. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months. I adore him and it's the first time in years I can see potential with someone.

We had a very drawn out courtship, so to say. Two dates in like 6 weeks. On those two dates we kissed but nothing more. About 3 weeks after our second date, I went out with a buddy of mine. As luck and bad timing has it, we drank too much and I went back to his place to wait for an uber because the weather was horrible. One thing led to another and we hooked up. We've both since agreed it went too far and we won't do it again.

I'm curious, would this be considered as cheating on my now boyfriend? We had been on two dates and hadn't had any commitment talk or DTR, just fooling around and staying in touch via text. But he has shown me so much vulnerability from day one, I'm amazed how he was so willing to put himself out there to me.

Should I buckle up and fess up? Or is that just me trying to absolve my own guilt? The last thing I want would be to hurt him in any way, shape, or form.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, Ainsley7891 said:

We've been seeing each other for about 6 months. I adore him and it's the first time in years I can see potential with someone.

I'm curious, would this be considered as cheating on my now boyfriend?

Should I buckle up and fess up? Or is that just me trying to absolve my own guilt? The last thing I want would be to hurt him in any way, shape, or form.

I guess one way to get an answer would be to question yourself - how would you view it, if your boyfriend did this to you?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ainsley7891 said:

.We had a very drawn out courtship, so to say. Two dates in like 6 weeks. On those two dates we kissed but nothing more.  One thing led to another and we hooked up.  Or is that just me trying to absolve my own guilt? 

How is your relationship now? Is it a distance situation? How often do you see each other? What were the reasons for the "drawn out courtship"?

After 2 dates you weren't exclusive and still talking to and meeting others. It's better to keep the past in the past. Are you still friends with this guy? 

There's no reason to burden your new relationship with excess drama. Especially since your explanation of "got drunk and just happened", is more of a lame excuse than anything else. 

Perhaps if your relationship progresses and you're still seeing this friend, you'll have to figure out something about your boundaries.

It's not cheating per se, but telling your new BF about it in this "just kinda happened" type of way could make him wonder what else happens when you go drinking with "friends". 

[Batya33]

I don't think it was cheating. I'd say nothing unless you now have an STD.  Separately if you do want to be with this man then I'd do some personal growth and own that you chose to get drunk that night and chose the consequences -if your attitude is one of passivity you might then repeat the behavior with a dismissive "oh you know it just happened/as luck would have it/couldn't help it/one thing led to another."  Own your choices.  Stuff comes up in relationships all the time where accountability shows respect to your partner and the opposite "the alcohol made me do it" or the like won't go over well.

[Andrina]

It's best to establish what relationship boundaries you two have, which many couples naively don't address when deciding to become exclusive. One boundary couples normally discuss is whether or not it's okay to be buddies with an ex or someone they had sex with. If he's okay with that and you are, then ethically, you're okay.

If he's not okay with that, then you would be hiding the fact that you are hanging out with a guy you knocked boots with. And that's not fair to him. So to keep it fair, you'd have to no longer be friends with the buddy you crossed boundaries with. There can be severe consequences to our actions, so if alcohol has you behaving in ways you wouldn't when sober, perhaps cut that out of your life.

[Kwothe28]

I wrote on another thread about this. It depends on a culture. Maybe in some more liberal culture "Hey you know when we started dating? Well soon after that I sleped with my friend" would bring you "Its OK, we werent exclusive" answer. But the thing is, dont think any self- respected man would give you that answer. Do you know his stance on those things? Because dont think he would look at that favorable and with "Meh" on what you did.

Also, how do you think sleeping with your friend would reflect on your boyfriend opinion about you? Its one thing to say "Oh you know, I have been on a date with couple of men before we commited and never saw them after that". Its another to say how you sleped with your friend that you actively hang out with.

Dont get me wrong, I think he deserves to know because its the right thing to do. Just dont think your answer would be that favorable. And that you should prepare for that.

[boltnrun]

Well, this isn't Reddit 😆

Do you still spend time with this alleged "friend"?

[shouldhavelearned]

Ask the guy what he thinks

 

You messed up

[Ainsley7891]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is your relationship now? Is it a distance situation? How often do you see each other? What were the reasons for the "drawn out courtship"?

After 2 dates you weren't exclusive and still talking to and meeting others. It's better to keep the past in the past. Are you still friends with this guy? 

There's no reason to burden your new relationship with excess drama. Especially since your explanation of "got drunk and just happened", is more of a lame excuse than anything else. 

Perhaps if your relationship progresses and you're still seeing this friend, you'll have to figure out something about your boundaries.

It's not cheating per se, but telling your new BF about it in this "just kinda happened" type of way could make him wonder what else happens when you go drinking with "friends". 

We are still friends. Not super close, I distanced myself after it happened. We've hung out maybe twice over the past four months or so. We had a conversation it was a mistake. I just feel bad that I didn't tell my boyfriend about it at the time, so it's hanging over me. But when it happened with my friend, my boyfriend and I had only gone on two dates, we hadn't had any exclusivity or where are we going with this conversation but we were in frequent contact (for the most part) over text. And yes it's a 100% lame excuse. But it's what happened. I wish it didn't, but I do also know myself well enough that it won't be repeated and my friend and I have established boundaries. By the time my now boyfriend and I had our third date, it was like another six weeks or so after it happened, and that was when when we decided to be exclusive with each other.

It took like two months to go on two dates because we were both just slammed with work and our schedules weren't meshing. He was also so exhausted that at the time I just figured I'd let him suggest a time to go out, but he wasn't suggesting any plans. I wasn't sure if there was a "slow fade" going on, but I thought I would come across as clingy if I started bring that up so early on via text. And what happened was so out of character for me, I just don't know now if it's worth bringing up something that happened so early on over 6 months ago when we were hardly seeing each other.

In some context, years ago I had been with a boyfriend and after two years of dating he cheated on me with a mutual friend. It was a stupid one night stand, he didn't tell me - our "friend" told me because she thought we'd break up and she would get to date him. We were going through a rocky time and I did forgive him for it because it was so out of character for him. So I do know the pain of being cheated on and in all honesty I would have rather not known - in general, we had a very strong relationship. 

When my now boyfriend and I decided to become exclusive, I didn't know him well enough to know how he would react. What had happened with my friend that night wasn't even on my mind because I was just so happy my guy and I were finally on a third date. But when I think about the fact that I didn't tell him, I do feel concerned that it's a secret I shouldn't have kept. I feel to tell him now is just to lessen my guilt by putting him in a position to carry some of that burden for me. I think it would just cause him pain; I've never been in the position where I've been reluctant to bring something up and it could just create issues that haven't been there and won't be there going forward.

I guess I just wonder, at this stage - would someone really want to know? (Because I wouldn't - and I say that based on experience.)

[catfeeder]

Are you bored and looking to create some drama over nothing?

 If so, consider that you can never put that toothpaste back into the tube.

If someone I’m dating raised such a thing about prior to our commitment, I’d be less hurt by what they said than WHY they would tell me this now. That would really put me off, because it’s either manipulative to get rid of me, or it’s just stupid. I don’t respect stupid, so either way, I’d be gone.

[Batya33]

I’m not sure why it’s a lame excuse. It only is lame if you were to tell him it was a drunken hook up. Somehow blame alcohol. What happened was you chose to hook up with your friend. That’s what happened.  You choose to get drunk you choose the consequences. Since you’d only had two dates I’d say nothing. You weren’t exclusive. 

[Ainsley7891]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Are you bored and looking to create some drama over nothing?

 If so, consider that you can never put that toothpaste back into the tube.

If someone I’m dating raised such a thing about prior to our commitment, I’d be less hurt by what they said than WHY they would tell me this now. That would really put me off, because it’s either manipulative to get rid of me, or it’s just stupid. I don’t respect stupid, so either way, I’d be gone.

That's basically what I'm thinking. I care about him tons and it's no reflection about how I feel about him. I've been mostly just in long term relationships and when I'm single I very rarely go on dates so I'm just unsure about timelines and I have never been in this position. So just confused as to whether it was/is something that should have been addressed.

I guess I'm wondering if I should've told him before we decided to go exclusive.

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, Ainsley7891 said:

That's basically what I'm thinking. I care about him tons and it's no reflection about how I feel about him. I've been mostly just in long term relationships and when I'm single I very rarely go on dates so I'm just unsure about timelines and I have never been in this position. So just confused as to whether it was/is something that should have been addressed.

I guess I'm wondering if I should've told him before we decided to go exclusive.

Enjoy the relationship! 

[Andrina]

You're totally missing the key element here--that you're still hanging out with a friend you had sex with. That is where the ethical part comes in to play. I know I would be livid if my now husband never gave me the info that he was getting together with a friend he never told me he had sex with, even though it wasn't when he and I were exclusive. Because it's a rule of mine not to date men who hang out with an ex or someone he once had sex with, even if I had 100 percent confidence it would never happen again and they felt no romance together. Regardless, I have a right to know this about my partner. IMO, there are two ways to stay within ethical bounds here.

One is to let your friend know that because you two crossed into sexual territory, that in order for your relationship with your bf to work, you will have to end the friendship. In that instance, you don't need to tell your bf anything.

But if you do continue the friendship, ask your bf what his views are on being friends with ex's and intimacy partners and if he's okay with that, share that you and buddy had sex before you two became exclusive, or don't say anything unless you both want to share that info with each other. 

Those are the ways to stay within ethical bounds. If he's not okay with what's in the previous paragraph, you're plain wrong in keeping that info from him. In that case, I'd break up with him so he can be with a woman who shares his relationship boundaries. It's not all about you, and your logic about keeping him from experiencing pain is misguided. It's more important that he be given the right to decide what's right for himself, instead of having the wool pulled over his eyes.

If this was a one-night stand, and you never saw the man again, then yes, I agree your bf didn't need to know.

[Batya33]

I see what Andrina is saying.  If you're going to hang out with a man you recently had sex with - one on one - be alone with him -that might cross lines.  Have a general discussion about opposite sex friendships.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Ainsley7891 said:

By the time my now boyfriend and I had our third date, it was like another six weeks or so after it happened, and that was when when we decided to be exclusive with each other.

This, is how I see things.

YOU weren't even sure yet if this would amount to anything.  No exclusivity had occurred yet, so it was still up in the air. Therefore, i don't see whatever happened as anything like cheating.

But, you two are an item now, so all is good 🙂 .

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Ainsley7891 said:

I guess I'm wondering if I should've told him before we decided to go exclusive.

No. This is definitely TMI, it was 2 dates and in addition to that he was too busy to see you for 6 weeks. It's not cheating.

If you and the FWB still hang out maybe you'll have to be clearer one day on boundaries.

However, right now, why turn this budding relationship into a dumpster fire with TMI? Please use discretion. 

[lostandhurt]

Wait how did I end up on Reddit?  How do I get back to ENA.....

I am Lost

Get it? 😁

[smackie9]

You had no idea if this was going to turn into a serious relationship so how were you ever to know if this was a F%^$ up or not? $%^& happens because life happens. For all you know your BF could have been seeing someone else in the beginning, like a LDR emotional relationship.

Forget about it, and move on. IMO I think the only way forward, is to move on from that other guy. There is no real need to have him in your life. Think about it....if your BF had someone like this still in the background, was hanging out with them, how would you feel about it? that's the only way to see this is to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react to this.

[Ainsley7891]

On 11/19/2023 at 10:27 PM, Ainsley7891 said:

Hello Redditors,

I [f34] am in a relatively new relationship my boyfriend [m41]. We've been seeing each other for about 6 months. I adore him and it's the first time in years I can see potential with someone.

We had a very drawn out courtship, so to say. Two dates in like 6 weeks. On those two dates we kissed but nothing more. About 3 weeks after our second date, I went out with a buddy of mine. As luck and bad timing has it, we drank too much and I went back to his place to wait for an uber because the weather was horrible. One thing led to another and we hooked up. We've both since agreed it went too far and we won't do it again.

I'm curious, would this be considered as cheating on my now boyfriend? We had been on two dates and hadn't had any commitment talk or DTR, just fooling around and staying in touch via text. But he has shown me so much vulnerability from day one, I'm amazed how he was so willing to put himself out there to me.

Should I buckle up and fess up? Or is that just me trying to absolve my own guilt? The last thing I want would be to hurt him in any way, shape, or form.

Update. I told him and he wasn't upset. He told me I was overthinking (as I tend to do). In his perspective, if it had happened after we had the "exclusive talk" it would be a different story. So, there we have it. 

[LotusBlack]

On 11/21/2023 at 6:23 AM, Ainsley7891 said:

that

And what about the friend? Are you going to continue your friendship?

Glad your bf is fine with what happened and your relationship is moving forward well.