Is my partner flirting with his coworker?

[bettyford23]

For context, I am a woman, mid-30s and my boyfriend is 43. We have been together for 2 years and live together. Around a week ago my boyfriend told me about a co-worker who said she was going to watch a live true crime podcast. I assume he told me because I enjoy listening to true crime podcasts. Cool, never heard of that particular podcast, may look it up. Even told him, “Hey, she and I should be friends.” Since then, he has been bringing her up here and there in normal conversation. He does occasionally talk about his co-workers so this wasn’t that unusual until I saw some messages they had exchanged through Teams. (As far as I know they do not text outside of work-approved communication). I noticed that she asked him if he would be coming to work in person or working remotely one day. He said he would be working from home and asked something like, “Am I going to miss you?” then told her it was okay for her to use his desk while he wasn’t there. He also told her she could help herself to any snacks at his desk.

Her response was something like she wouldn’t force anyone to come into the office just to see her and if she wanted to see him she would start a meeting and have him turn on his camera. He then told her she is a “treat.” She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area. This sounded like flirting to me so I told him about my concern.

We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her. He also told me he has referred to other co-workers as “treats” before because they are pleasant to work with. When I asked why he suddenly had been talking about her so much, he said he didn’t realize he had been but admits to thinking about her recently. I asked him why and he said because they had worked together on a project at their employer. He also said he thinks about his male co-workers also. I even asked if he thinks he might have a crush on her and he said he didn’t.

The other day she asked him what he was dressed as for Halloween after he messaged her about a work-related issue. She then mentioned that she would be in the office one day coming up and again he told her to sit at his desk because he would not be there since he is working from home that day.

He has insisted there is nothing to it and he doesn’t think of their interactions in any particular way. I am trying to make sense of why I am feeling so insecure about this situation. Any ideas?

[Jaunty]

I don't think so, but you might be pushing him in that direction by focussing on her.  You're helping him think about her quite a bit more than he would be if you weren't bringing her up and quizzing him about her.

How did you happen to read his work correspondence through Teams?

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

if she wanted to see him she would start a meeting and have him turn on his camera. He then told her she is a “treat.” She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area.

Depends on the energy and overall context

 

im a guy and I have a particular female friend who is constantly joking with and punking people, and that kind of sounds like something she would say but only to people who know how she jokes and would take it as a joke.  She’d never do it to a new guy in her life where there wasn’t some long standing established friendship, or to someone who could take it the wrong way 

As I’ve read your post, I’d feel uncomfortable with it simply because I’ve seen too much of that behavior that was flirting, and then led to some stupid “romance” which is apparently very common amongst coworkers.  But you’re the one closest to it, so what’s the overall vibe like regarding it? Something is off to you or you wouldn’t be posting here

[Kathryn657xx]

I would feel insecure too. This is 100% flirting and i wouldn't stand for it. This is how relationships begin and unfortunately it is only going to escalate. A very similar situation happened to me and my husband, i recognised his behaviour shift firstly...like his mind was elsewhere all the time and then i found messages etc. Nothing sexual happened between them either but on reflection flirting and private messaging is enough - did you ask him how he would feel if you did the same thing? You have every right to feel threatened.

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think so, but you might be pushing him in that direction by focussing on her.  You're helping him think about her quite a bit more than he would be if you weren't bringing her up and quizzing him about her.

How did you happen to read his work correspondence through Teams?

This is what I want to know too.  I think she was flirting with him and therefore he shouldn't have referred to her as a "treat" just in case.  I'm on friendly terms with a male coworker and when we first met a few years ago -when he was new - out of an abundance of caution I facebook friended his wife (they live a bit out of town so we haven''t met but she and I have stuff in common and she seems very nice!).  So if I have something personal to discuss -meaning -about our families or plans for the holidays -like that - I typically will message her first.  He emails me about work related stuff and once in a blue moon sort of non work related but I mean -anyone could read anything and it's all totally fine.  Also I have no interest in coming across flirtatious or inappropriate in any way so I don't! This woman seems to be crossing lines.  If you trust your bf it's all good though.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

. We have been together for 2 years and live together.We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her. 

How is your relationship overall? Is there any reason to be threatened by their banter? Is he volunteering this information or are you reading his messages?  Since you've already discussed it with him, that's all you can do. He stated he's working from home and a lot of the communication seems work related except for some cordial banter about Halloween. Surely she knows you exist? 

[Kwothe28]

13 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area.

What?

Yeah, something is going on there. And those are the messages they exchange on work related app. Who knows what they write in private.

[Andrina]

17 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area. This sounded like flirting to me so I told him about my concern.

We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her

It sounds like she's more into him than vice versa, because if he knew she were going to work and he had a crush, he wouldn't choose to work from home. But he's not shutting her down because it's sometimes awkward to do so, and either it doesn't bother him or he likes the attention.

Of course she was inappropriate about the pictures comment and seeing him on camera because she wouldn't have said those things if she knew you were privy to her words.

People are more prone to entering emotional affairs when there is an emotional disconnection in their primary relationship. That is one thing you two can work on if that's the case. Read some articles on how to bring back or strengthen your emotional bond. If there is no end to the inappropriate communication, you can print out an article on signs an emotional affair is happening, show it to him, and make it clear he will have to take steps to right the wrongs, or you will be making some hard decisions. You could also ask for couples counseling. Good luck.

[redswim30]

This is a bit tricky, OP- because I think there's a ton of grey area in this.

Do I think she has a crush on him?  Maybe, maybe not. Do I think he has a crush on her?  Likely not.  Possibly one does and the other is totally oblivious.  Maybe neither does and they just enjoy each other's friendship during a boring work day. 

Honestly, male and female co-workers can talk, laugh, joke together-all the time.  Can something like this turn into an affair?  Yes.  However, IMO- it rarely does.  Not saying it can never happen, but when you consider how many people work together, develop crushes on each other, and never act on them, that number is higher (in my experience of working in an office spaces) than in these actually turning into real affairs or relationships- don't believe the rom coms.  And please don't believe people who think EVERY opposite gender interaction is "obviously" going to result in an affair. 

Here's the part you aren't going to like.  This is just MHO, but I really think it's honest and I wish more people would simply admit to this.   Unless you are dead, the vast majority of people - even those in happy partnerships- are going to develop friendly interest or even crushes on other people during their lifetime.  It's unrealistic to think your partner is NEVER going to find ANYONE else of the opposite gender that they find to be- Funny, interesting, attractive, amusing, kind, fun to be around- etc.   This does not mean that every time this happens, it's going to take a wrecking ball to your relationship.  

My husband and I are very open and honest with each other about this.  We tell each other if we have a crush on someone else at work.  Saying things like " This really attractive guy started today. " or " This woman who joined my department seems really interesting, I enjoy joking with her."  We do this because-  It gives us less reason to be suspicious or jealous, being so open and we both know our relationship means more to us than a fleeting crush. It fosters honesty and trust. 

I don't think it's a slam dunk that he even has a crush on her.  Men can sometimes be oblivious to these things.  It's not even necessarily true that she has a crush on him. 

I have two MAJOR questions for you that I think you need to consider and answer HONESTLY. 

1. HOW do you know about all these supposed "private messages" they've sent each other.  Are you spying on his work chat?

2. Suppose for the sake of argument that they DO have crushes on each other.  Why does this bother you?  Do you not trust him?  Are you truly concerned that he would leave you for her?  Has he given you any actual cause not to trust him?  I think a lot of times co-workers playfully "flirt" with each other and it often is just a way to ease boredom without any real substance.  Why are you this concerned?  Why DO you keep bringing her up?  And leading back to one- why are you spying/obsessing over this one woman in particular?   Does she have qualities you feel that you want?  Is it that she takes some of his attention?  Do you feel there's been problems in your relationship? This is important for you to figure out and then face it. 

If my husband came up to me and said " I think my co-worker is in love with me."  Ok, she has good taste, but I would still have to TRUST HIM that he wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, - and if I didn't trust him to do this, then we have bigger issues that a co-worker who has feelings for him. 

[bettyford23]

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

I believe I am more on edge and suspicious than normal because I also found out last week that my boyfriend had been lying to me about something major for three months. This was not related to any other person such as a woman, a co-worker, etc. I knew something had been going on with him and finally sat him down and told him he needs to tell me what is going on with that particular situation and he did. This was regarding substance use which I am helping him work through and providing the support he needs to get past it. I would have included that in my initial post but I felt it was too long already, but it is relevant as it has created some trust issues. I was also cheated on multiple times in my previous marriage (I am seeing a therapist to work through this).

A lot of people are asking me how I have read his messages from work and that is understandable. When he started mentioning this person seemingly out of nowhere I simply asked if I could read his communication with her which I do realize is not the healthiest thing to do. (He is able to look at my phone or computer if he asks, if I remember correctly he has asked maybe twice, but I’m not specifically counting). Again, not the most appropriate thing to do in a relationship. At the same time, I believe if two people are in a serious relationship and discussing marriage or otherwise plan to spend the rest of their lives together neither partner should keep any secrets from the other.

So, I don’t know. Maybe I am creating something out of nothing given the insecurity about the other issue. I suppose I felt it was an odd interaction between two people as I am typically friendly but am cognizant of saying things to my co-workers that could potentially be misconstrued. 
 

I think redswim30 asked a good question about why I feel threatened by this person and why it bothers me they would have a crush on each other. I don’t really know enough about this person to gauge that. I’ve never seen her other than the picture she has on her Teams profile. Yes, she looks pretty, but that is not what bothers me. I think I am carrying baggage over from my previous marriage and that I read some statistic that 1 in 5 people admitted to having an affair with a co-worker.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[Jaunty]

Please know that if a person has a substance abuse issue, their romantic partner is not the place where they will find the "support they need to get through it."   If he WANTS to do something about substance abuse,  seeking the appropriate help and following through with it is part of the recovery process.   You taking it on and "sitting him down" to deal with it is part of codependent behavior.

This changes my approach to your problem with the coworker.  Bottom line is that he's not trustworthy.  Nobody who is lying about substance abuse or other addictions are.  Of course this doesn't mean that he has some kind of designs on her.  It does mean that in situations where a person would receive the benefit of the doubt, the untrustworthy person does not receive it.  You have nothing to go on but your gut feeling.  Your gut feeling is that something is shady with the coworker.  He is not trustworthy, so you have to go with it.  

[smackie9]

Workplace bonding. It's not sexual but it is emotional to some degree which is normal....I don't see anything romantic, just a little chummy/friendship. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, bettyford23 said:

. This was regarding substance use which I am helping him work through and providing the support he needs to get past it. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems the coworker banter is minor compared to substance abuse. How long have you known about the substance misuse? How long were you dating before you started living together? Is it his place, your place or do you co-own or co-lease? What was the rush with living together? 

Is he in detox/rehab or support groups?

Please don't enable this. Instead get help for yourself from Al-Anon or Nar-Anon regarding your role in accepting a substance abuser into your life. There's no "helping him work through it work through it". Either he's in rehab and sober or you're in denial because of overinvesting in the relationship. 

 

[Deejmonster]

21 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

For context, I am a woman, mid-30s and my boyfriend is 43. We have been together for 2 years and live together. Around a week ago my boyfriend told me about a co-worker who said she was going to watch a live true crime podcast. I assume he told me because I enjoy listening to true crime podcasts. Cool, never heard of that particular podcast, may look it up. Even told him, “Hey, she and I should be friends.” Since then, he has been bringing her up here and there in normal conversation. He does occasionally talk about his co-workers so this wasn’t that unusual until I saw some messages they had exchanged through Teams. (As far as I know they do not text outside of work-approved communication). I noticed that she asked him if he would be coming to work in person or working remotely one day. He said he would be working from home and asked something like, “Am I going to miss you?” then told her it was okay for her to use his desk while he wasn’t there. He also told her she could help herself to any snacks at his desk.

Her response was something like she wouldn’t force anyone to come into the office just to see her and if she wanted to see him she would start a meeting and have him turn on his camera. He then told her she is a “treat.” She replied that she would make a wallpaper of pictures of her and put them all over his office area. This sounded like flirting to me so I told him about my concern.

We talked about it calmly and he said he didn’t perceive it that way but since I am uncomfortable with it he will be more mindful of how he interacts with her. He also told me he has referred to other co-workers as “treats” before because they are pleasant to work with. When I asked why he suddenly had been talking about her so much, he said he didn’t realize he had been but admits to thinking about her recently. I asked him why and he said because they had worked together on a project at their employer. He also said he thinks about his male co-workers also. I even asked if he thinks he might have a crush on her and he said he didn’t.

The other day she asked him what he was dressed as for Halloween after he messaged her about a work-related issue. She then mentioned that she would be in the office one day coming up and again he told her to sit at his desk because he would not be there since he is working from home that day.

He has insisted there is nothing to it and he doesn’t think of their interactions in any particular way. I am trying to make sense of why I am feeling so insecure about this situation. Any ideas?

I wouldn't overtly say he is cheating, but I can see why you would be upset or concerned. This appears as though its friendly banter (a little flirtatious) in tone, but the fact that the two of you already had a discussion about it is a good start. Has he ever exhibited this type of behavior before? While I want to tell you not to worry about it, it doesn't look healthy in the sense of your relationship. I am married and I conduct myself very differently at work as I do not want to ever come off as "crossing a line" even if my intentions were innocent. If the behavior were to continue, I think you should have a more serious conversation about how it makes you feel and the impact that it could have on your relationship. He should know by now that it doesn't sit right with you and continuing to do it is disrespectful to your relationship. This easily could develop into an emotional affair, in my opinion. 

[redswim30]

3 hours ago, bettyford23 said:

Thanks to everyone for their replies.

I believe I am more on edge and suspicious than normal because I also found out last week that my boyfriend had been lying to me about something major for three months. This was not related to any other person such as a woman, a co-worker, etc. I knew something had been going on with him and finally sat him down and told him he needs to tell me what is going on with that particular situation and he did. This was regarding substance use which I am helping him work through and providing the support he needs to get past it. I would have included that in my initial post but I felt it was too long already, but it is relevant as it has created some trust issues. I was also cheated on multiple times in my previous marriage (I am seeing a therapist to work through this).

A lot of people are asking me how I have read his messages from work and that is understandable. When he started mentioning this person seemingly out of nowhere I simply asked if I could read his communication with her which I do realize is not the healthiest thing to do. (He is able to look at my phone or computer if he asks, if I remember correctly he has asked maybe twice, but I’m not specifically counting). Again, not the most appropriate thing to do in a relationship. At the same time, I believe if two people are in a serious relationship and discussing marriage or otherwise plan to spend the rest of their lives together neither partner should keep any secrets from the other.

So, I don’t know. Maybe I am creating something out of nothing given the insecurity about the other issue. I suppose I felt it was an odd interaction between two people as I am typically friendly but am cognizant of saying things to my co-workers that could potentially be misconstrued. 
 

I think redswim30 asked a good question about why I feel threatened by this person and why it bothers me they would have a crush on each other. I don’t really know enough about this person to gauge that. I’ve never seen her other than the picture she has on her Teams profile. Yes, she looks pretty, but that is not what bothers me. I think I am carrying baggage over from my previous marriage and that I read some statistic that 1 in 5 people admitted to having an affair with a co-worker.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

This is why context is so important.  So the real reason you are worried isn't even really about the co-worker.  Your ability to trust him ENTIRELY has been called into question. 

Any type of issues he is having with substance abuse is a far more serious problem than the co-worker situation. 

I'm really not convinced that anything is going on with his co-worker.  Especially since he had no issues showing you their conversations- it shows that he has nothing to hide.  Carrying insecurity from the past into present relationships is always a recipe for disaster.   

Your situation really all boils down to this.  It really has nothing to do with if he or this co-worker have crushes on each other or not.  You either trust him or you don't.  If you don't feel you can trust him- that's all there is to it.  No one can ever be 100% certain that their partner isn't cheating on them, because no one can be with their partner every single second of every single day.  You just have to be able to TRUST that they value you and your relationship.  So that EVEN IF someone else was coming on to them, trying to cheat with them, flinging their body at them- you TRUST that he would say " No.  I love my partner."  And if you DON'T trust him to do that, your relationship has no chance of survival.  There's always gonna be other pretty women in the world- If NOT this co-worker, a pretty woman he sees at a bar on a guys night out, a pretty woman he sees out at a store, a pretty hotel clerk- you never know.  

You shouldn't be with someone you don't trust.  I can see why with the current circumstance you'd question if you can trust him.  However, be careful.  The solution is not going to come from being paranoid about other things.  Truthfully, I don't see strong evidence of anything going on with this co-worker.  They just seem to have friendly banter- big whoop.  If you asked a male co-worker how his Halloween was, would you want your BF to assume you obviously MUST have a crush on this guy, even when you've been transparent, told him you DONT, AND let him read your messages?  We always have to think of everything that bothers us in reverse and how it would make US feel.  Don't pester him too much on this without further evidence, or him cheating on you could become a self-fulfilling prophesy. 

Either way, you need to decide if your trust in him has been shattered or can be rebuilt, but the approach should not stem from assumption or accusation. 

[Jaunty]

I now notice your username.   

You might want to drop him some contact information for places like the the Betty Ford center.   And PLEASE go to Alanon / Naranon or some other support group that can help you learn how to handle his addiction issues.   

The key is for you to be able to live a good fulfilling life whether he's using drugs or not.

Obviously the most easy answer to this is to end the relationship.  Learning to live productively with another person who's actively practicing their addictions is very hard, to the point where it's beyond the capabilities of most people - myself included.

[catfeeder]

I'd question whether adopting the role of a helicopter parent is something I'd want to do to 'manage' a fully grown man.

Either we are a good match as lovers, or not. Either our values align, or they don't. Either I trust him, or I don't.

There are no wrong answers. Decide how you want to live.