Not sure if this guy from a dating app is real or not

[Occifer_Onion]

I met this guy on a dating app and we've been texting and I find him very intriguing and he talks like he really likes me. I've learned from experience to always do a background check one anyone I plan on meeting to see if they are a scammer or lying. I put his cell phone number into 3 different sites and they all said it was a landline and had no information on who it was connected to. I read that scammers often use VOIP, but the background check didn't say VOIP. I also read that businesses can use landlines to send text messages. I also read that you can have your personal information scrubbed from the internet. And a landline might not have a name tied to it if it is unlisted. 

I'm trying to find out if this guy is real or not before I invest anymore time talking to him. Does anyone have any input on how I can find out if he's real or not?

[catfeeder]

Have you asked him for his name and social media?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Occifer_Onion said:

I met this guy on a dating app and we've been texting.

How long have you been talking? The most important way to screen out scammers, catfish, people in other relationships and time wasters is to suggest meeting in person in a timely manner.

Those searches are woefully inaccurate. Anyone (especially scammers catfish etc) can get burner phones.

There are much better ways to search if you know someone's city, age, occupation and full name.  How come you don't know this? Do you even have his social media? If he won't meet in person soon, delete and block him. 

Another way to reduce the risk of scammers catfish and timewasters is to use quality Paid dating apps

They tend to have more serious daters in general and at the very least have a credit card. Some of the more serious relationship focused apps, such as eHarmony require proof of ID.

Paid apps have better screening and matching tools as well as doing a lot of the verifying that you're attempting, but much more accurately.

[lostandhurt]

Talk to him on the phone.  Better yet call him and see how he answers.

Then you can ask for his full name and look him up.  Unless he is a spy his info is out there to be seen.

 

 Lost

[Kwothe28]

Have you done a video call?

Social media can be faked as well but at least with video call you can see the person you messaged and see if he is what he represented himself on dating app. Always at least do a video call before meeting to confirm identity.

[Andrina]

If you're paying for a background check for someone you've never even met, you're wasting a lot of money. If you know his last name, you could look at local court records that anyone can see in your county, though of course a person could've committed a crime in another county or state you don't know about.

Communication should never go beyond a few weeks. If a guy hasn't asked for a date by then, you ask, and if he's stalling, cut off being a pen pal. Besides texting or e-mailing, when I did OLD, I always wanted one actual phone call with a guy before accepting a date. And then meet in a public place where you will be safe.

I never dated long distance, since that's a high risk for failure plus too expensive. Date locally to be able to vette very quickly, because dating is a numbers game. You have to usually date a boatload before finding a keeper. Good luck.

[Starlight925]

Phone calls and video calls can be faked.   They can get a guy who looks and sounds like the guy you're talking to, to show up on a video call.  

How to tell?  Offer to meet.  Stop the texting madness.

If he's perpetually unavailable, oh-so-busy, out of town all the time, then who wants him anyway, real or not?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

If you're paying for a background check for someone you've never even met, you're wasting a lot of money. If you know his last name, you could look at local court records that anyone can see in your county, though of course a person could've committed a crime in another county or state you don't know about.

Communication should never go beyond a few weeks. If a guy hasn't asked for a date by then, you ask, and if he's stalling, cut off being a pen pal. Besides texting or e-mailing, when I did OLD, I always wanted one actual phone call with a guy before accepting a date. And then meet in a public place where you will be safe.

I never dated long distance, since that's a high risk for failure plus too expensive. Date locally to be able to vette very quickly, because dating is a numbers game. You have to usually date a boatload before finding a keeper. Good luck.

When I did first meets which weren’t dates - I mean we’d never met so we didn’t know if we wanted to go in a date - I suggested the fist meet if he didn’t. I wasn’t going to wait around to see if this was a person who was using a dating site to date or simply to type to strangers and “date online “. 

[tattoobunnie]

Call and leave a message. Or call and talk to him.  Set up a meeting date at a public place.  If he/she has an excuse even the first time, he or she is catfishing you.

[poorlittlefish]

I once replied to a guy on a dating site who made a point of saying his photos were real.  I uploaded them into a reverse image search and found they were of a male model, different name, occupation and country.  You can never 100% trust anything that someone you've never met tells you online.  Suggest a simple coffee date and if they baulk, you'll know not to waste any more of your time.

[safemeet]

Hey, just a heads up – online scams are pretty common these days. So, if you're talking to someone on a dating app and you're thinking of meeting up, it's a good idea to double-check their background. People can be tricky online, You can start by looking at their social media or using some online tools to make sure they're legit. Stay safe out there!

[jul-els]

Meet him in a safe place, if you’re interested enough to do so. If not, just let it go. 

[ShySoul]

I miss the old days of just meeting people naturally in our everyday life, of getting introduced through common friends, etc. Seems to be that when you start having to think about reverse image searching, fake calls/videos, and using background checks, you're taking the fun out of something that should be fun. I agree that it's best to be safe, but maybe the easier alternative is to go back to more old-fashioned and traditional methods? 

That's not to discount people who like online dating or has had it work for them. Whatever works for you. Just wonder if some people would have a lot less stress if they chose a different method.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

I miss the old days of just meeting people naturally in our everyday life, of getting introduced through common friends, etc. Seems to be that when you start having to think about reverse image searching, fake calls/videos, and using background checks, you're taking the fun out of something that should be fun. I agree that it's best to be safe, but maybe the easier alternative is to go back to more old-fashioned and traditional methods? 

That's not to discount people who like online dating or has had it work for them. Whatever works for you. Just wonder if some people would have a lot less stress if they chose a different method.

People who date online often have this issue -they tell themselves it's dating to type and talk online for weeks.  That's a larger risk that the person isn't being honest.  When I met men at parties/bars they also were strangers for safety purposes.  I'm 57 and was set up by friends and coworkers many times and did so many times from ages 14-42 - and I still set people up when I can.  Meeting men in person through dating sites often had another safety layer but was a great additional way to meet people.  I met my husband originally at work.

[shouldhavelearned]

This whole online dating thing, crazy

 

What happened to the in- person or from a friend?

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

This whole online dating thing, crazy

 

What happened to the in- person or from a friend?

When I met over 100 men through dating sites it was in person.  We briefly communicated online - a couple messages -then met in person.  Fairly regularly it turned out we had mutual friends or acquaintances.  I also met many men through friends and set many men and women up with people I know.  I've been doing that for about 40 years now.  I know of a number of happily married and committed couples who originally had their first contact through a dating site.  And I've met their children.

[ShySoul]

Any method of meeting someone comes with risk. Regardless how you meet, the relationship could work out or could end in disaster. Ultimately, it's more about the people involved and how willing they are to do the things it takes to have a loving, healthy relationship. Also how much of a connection there is between the two. 

Find it interesting though that people jump to having to use a dating site. My brother met his wife playing role-playing games online. So you can still meet people, even online, without the concept of dating playing a role. 

Personally, I don't think I have the patience to weed through profiles, worry about if they telling the truth, setting up meetings, spending the time with someone I don't know, only to find I don't feel anything there. I'm a go with your heart person who only gets attracted after I've become close friends with someone. I'm also an introvert who only lets select few truly in, after I feel comfortable with you, and who eschews most social situations. My only "social media" is a LinkIn page for professional reasons. So reasons that I, or someone with a similar personality, would find dating sites to be a hassle. Also have issues with how many seem to design themselves around keeping you active on the site so they can profit more rather then actually focused on making a connection. Relationships/dating/romance can be hard enough to navigate, now it feels like you have to learn how to navigate the sites before you even get to meeting an actual person. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Personally, I don't think I have the patience to weed through profiles, worry about if they telling the truth, setting up meetings, spending the time with someone I don't know, only to find I don't feel anything there. I'm a go with your heart person who only gets attracted after I've become close friends with someone. I'm also an introvert who only lets select few truly in, after I feel comfortable with you, and who eschews most social situations. My only "social media" is a LinkIn page for professional reasons. So reasons that I, or someone with a similar personality, would find dating sites to be a hassle. Also have issues with how many seem to design themselves around keeping you active on the site so they can profit more rather then actually focused on making a connection. Relationships/dating/romance can be hard enough to navigate, now it feels like you have to learn how to navigate the sites before you even get to meeting an actual person. 

I never navigated or invested a lot of time before meeting -and I'd also done print personal ads, blind dates (still set people up - have done so for 40 plus years). I also made sure I lived right i the middle of a city teeming with singles so I had tons of potential matches and very often common friends/acquaintances with the person.  Before I had a baby I was a total extrovert and always very adventurous socially so that helped.

I think using dating sites to meet people in person ASAP is a great way to find a spouse or long term partner.  I think it's too much work for casual dating or for someone who is on the fence about wanting a long term commitment or marriage.  

[smackie9]

With OLD you have to go by a different set of rules. No texting for weeks. If they don't ask you out for a date within a week or two, then ditch them they are a time waster. Facetime before meeting them to see that they are the real deal. If they cancel more than once, boot them to the curb. Don't put up with them flaking on you or taking days to get back to you. If they start right in with talk of sex, block them. d%^& pics, block them. If they don't ask you out soon after your last date, move on don't reach out like crazy, chasing them around. First impressions count. They should show up on time, look and smell good putting their best foot forward. Open doors for you, good manners, not getting drunk, etc. Look for consistency in communication and an interest in getting to know you. If things start going well, do a background check. Court dockets are open for public assess and should be free. And for the love of god, don't let them know where you live.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/26/2023 at 2:39 PM, ShySoul said:

I miss the old days of just meeting people naturally in our everyday life...

It's not the "old" days, it still happens.  I refuse to do online dating for just the reasons you stated. 

I meet a lot of men wherever I go.  Course I live in a relatively large popular city, which helps, but still.  

Just today I met yet another guy at the coffee shop where I stopped for an iced matcha latte, lol..

I'm seeing someone so declined his invite, just saying, it's not difficult.  Smile, be open and approachable. 

Read my thread about spontaneous meets!  I met my current guy in an elevator! 💛

 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I refuse to do online dating for just the reasons you stated. 

I meet a lot of men wherever I go.  Course I live in a relatively large popular city, which helps, but still.  

Just today I met yet another guy at the coffee shop where I stopped for an iced matcha latte, lol..

I never dated online.  I met over 100 men in person -99% of the time after exchanging 2-3 messages and having one phone call through an online dating site.  We were not dating until we met and decided to go on a date in the future.  After a few messages and a phone call we met in person often at a coffee shop.  Then if all went well we had a real first date.  A huge plus was since I was marriage minded it helped me screen in advance (yes he can lie so can strangers you meet in person) - I had a list of dealbreakers- it wasn't long but saved me a ton of wasted time (and  their wasted time) I was in contact with hundreds of men.  I lived in a city teeming with singles and it was a good way to meet people in person.

My husband had an online profile and we didn't meet that way. He's an amazing person and husband and I know many great people who are on dating sites. I don't think it should be the only way to meet and I don't see it as different -other than maybe another layer of safety screening than if you meet through people you know or at work -than meeting a stranger in an elevator.

I was just chatting with a woman in her 30s who met her second husband through an online site. He lived right near her and she said they'd never have met otherwise. 

[rainbowsandroses]

32 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never dated online.  I met over 100 men in person -99% of the time after exchanging 2-3 messages and having one phone call through an online dating site.  We were not dating until we met and decided to go on a date in the future. 

I know Batya, you've discussed this many times and I respect it.

I think when people speak of "online dating" they are referring to first meeting on an online dating app or site and then meeting in person.

Not actually conducting their relationship online which is a whole different thing and typically called 'cyber dating.'

In any event, I really dislike these labels and definitions; people enjoy meeting others and dating in different ways and the apps do work for some.  Heck, I met a long term boyfriend and my ex-husband through an app.

I was simply responding @ShySoul's post stating she wished things could go back to the "old" days where you met spontaneously in person or were set up through friends.

Which still happens and is what I personally prefer - spontaneous meets.  It can still happen that way if one is open and approachable and enjoys meeting new people and having conversations, spontaneously.

Meeting in person after meeting on a app is not a spontaneous meet.  It's planned in advance and a forced meet.  For me personally, that places a certain pressure to "connect" when we meet, which I don't particularly like and lessens the likelihood that we will connect.  Had I met the same person spontaneously at an event or party, we might have connected.  

Why?  No pressure, nothing planned.  No expectations, nothing forced.   

Rather, it's spontaneous, a bit of a mystery, anything goes.  Which is what works better for me in establishing the initial attraction and connection.

Again, I did meet a long term boyfriend and my ex-husband that way but we talked on line for a couple of weeks and had already established a "connection" of sorts before we ever met in person.

Not sure if that makes sense to you or those who choose to meet through the apps and that's okay. 

We all do what's work best for us.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know Batya, you've discussed this many times and I respect it.

I think when people speak of "online dating" they are referring to first meeting on an online dating app or site and then meeting in person.

Not actually conducting their relationship online which is a whole different thing and typically called 'cyber dating.'

I disagree. I see so many people message for weeks - talk about the person as if there is a romantic connection before they've met -and basically date online.  I never did.  So I don't care what they call it -I differentiate between those who use dating sites basically to hide behind a screen and spin cyber fairy tales and those who use it to meet in person.  I did meet strangers like you did with the man you're dating.  And that had other downsides because I had standards that involved religion, education level, whether and when they wanted marriage/parenthood, what they did for a living/wanted to do -that meant having to have those sorts of conversations early on - which with a profile often I didn't have to.

In 2003 I had lunch with a guy I met at a high school reunion -I didn't go to that high school but went with a friend who basically didn't want to go alone and I knew a number of people there.  But not him.  Within 10 minutes of our lovely lunch date - I discovered he was not my religion and this was a dealbreaker for me.  He actually realized I thought he was my religion and totally understood why I wouldn't date him. We stayed friends!  

I met my husband originally at work.  Before I met him I knew where he grew up and about his professional background -it was a blurb the company published about new employees. And I was able to observe him among my colleagues etc.  It helped me decide when we eventually started dating!

So yes I see it as a huge meaningful difference when a person uses a dating site as I did vs. using it as a way to have a chat buddy online for an extended period of time or connect with someone long distance who you're unlikely to meet in person anytime soon, or to tell yourself you are putting yourself out there because you're typing or having video calls with a stranger from a dating site.

I didn't need the added spontaneity of meeting a stranger -before dating sites I went on many blind dates and set many people up on blind dates -still do - and sure the first meet is planned.  Just like a plan to go to a bar where singles hang out, to go to a singles event -that's not spontaneous either -you're both there for a purpose. Yes I met many men while out and about and dated some of them -I had a very active social life and night life as a single woman from around 1980-2008.

  It doesn't need to feel forced in the least especially if both people are there for the greater good of a potentially serious relationship - or a potential one night stand -if they're on the same wavelength no biggie that it's "planned."  IMHO

[rainbowsandroses]

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I see so many people message for weeks - talk about the person as if there is a romantic connection before they've met -and basically date online.

Yes I see this too, and agree with you. It happens often especially when it's long distance, say another country for example.  But I see it too when not long distance. 

I refer to that "cyber dating," or "cyber relationships" and it's quite common.  For all sorts of reasons, social anxiety being a major reason from what I have seen and read. And long distance.

And hey if it makes them happy, who am I to judge, you know?  Whatever works for them.

Generally speaking when I hear people speak of "online dating" they're talking about talking and meeting people through a dating app/site and then arranging a meet in person. Just my take. 

If you want too call it something different, that is totally fine!🙂

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes I see this too, and agree with you. It happens often especially when it's long distance, say another country for example.  But I see it too when not long distance. 

I refer to that "cyber dating," or "cyber relationships" and it's quite common.  For all sorts of reasons, social anxiety being a major reason from what I have seen and read. And long distance.

And hey if it makes them happy, who am I to judge, you know?  Whatever works for them.

Generally speaking when hear people speak of "online dating" they're talking about talking and meeting people through a dating app/site and then arranging a meet in person.

If you want too call it something different, that is totally fine!🙂

I don't judge them but they are not dating.  I'm not calling it something different.  I am suggesting in a meaningful way that all people who use dating sites pay close attention to whether they want to date and meet in person or pretend to date online.  Of course people who do what I do refer to it as online dating. 

However you are judging it as "a forced meet" and you are judging it as not spontaneous and I say -what is spontaneous about going to a singles bar to meet men or women? Not much.  I was there - many times.  I think it's unrealistic for most people after college to rely mostly or solely on meeting people out and about if the goal is a serious long term relationship. I think they should be out there meeting people in a variety of ways including through dating sites, blind dates, work, volunteer work, through friends and colleagues and family.  But for people who are fine with casual dating, casual hookups, one night stands - totally workable to rely on who you see out and about.