Judged based off how I look

[Sarah Smith]

So a lot of people have told me I look angry / not approachable. I’m almost never angry, I’m generally a happy person.

Many of my close friends admitted they were scared of approaching me before we were friends because of my “*** face”. But that I’m actually the nicest person once they get to know me.

Ive lost two customer service jobs because of this, because I look “angry” and co-workers / guests don’t like it. Although I try my best to look nice and smile more.

Let me add that I’m a bit of an introvert and I often get lost in my own thoughts.

It just really hurts how much people judge me just based off how I look.. and losing those jobs made me feel like there is something wrong with me

to be fair I don’t even have a question to ask, I just wanted to get this weight off my chest 😞 anyone experiencing anything similar?

[Batya33]

You’re being evaluated based on your expression not how you look as in physical features. That’s normal. The cashier who helped me today looked hostile and I felt uncomfortable. I don’t care what she looked like. Can you practice in front of a mirror so your expression looks approachable if you have a job where you interact with the public ? If you’re an introvert and want jobs where you are required to assist people then you’ll have to fake if till you make it. 

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  I have.  When I was younger,  I was more amiable,  smiled more,   lighthearted,  carefree for the most part and overall more pleasant.  Due to some unfortunate circumstances with extended family members such as relatives and several in-laws,  I've since become more serious,  stern faced,  wary and jaded.  😒 I actually miss the nicer person I was once upon a time.  However,  I try my best to be pleasant despite my sometimes sad or foul mood. 😏 No sense ruining the vibe for everyone.  I try to be more than merely civil. 

When you learn to be selfless and empathetic,  you're more aware of people whom you're interacting with or whom you're with,  period.  I'm even nice to my local grocer whom I greet if I happen to see him,  ask him about his recent vacation and rather cordial.  After a brief chat,  I actually feel better and he's a nice person to everyone. 

Other than smiling,  be engaging and take interest in others.  Step outside yourself.  You'll give a positive impression and become more approachable.  No one wants to be with a grouch.  😠 😡

[Coily]

When I worked with the general public I was considered "very serious" in my expressions, I had to teach myself to pay attention to that  moment you first come into contact with a new customer. Batya and Cherylyn are touching on the time tested mask we wear in public, on the dealing with the jerks in public.

I did some minor acting roles around the time I started to get better feedback with my public interface. it's not that i was less introverted, I just knew where to play the role of "cheerful employee." While thinking daggers as the idiot who wanted to ask if widget A fit in to slot 472-h29.

In short, find the expression part of the uniform that suits your work. It won't happen over night, but i don't recommend the overzealous Cheshire cat grin of the "Overly attached girlfriend" meme.

Is there anything wrong with you? NOPE not a thing. Some situational awareness is all you need at work.

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, Coily said:

When I worked with the general public I was considered "very serious" in my expressions, I had to teach myself to pay attention to that  moment you first come into contact with a new customer. Batya and Cherylyn are touching on the time tested mask we wear in public, on the dealing with the jerks in public.

I did some minor acting roles around the time I started to get better feedback with my public interface. it's not that i was less introverted, I just knew where to play the role of "cheerful employee." While thinking daggers as the idiot who wanted to ask if widget A fit in to slot 472-h29.

In short, find the expression part of the uniform that suits your work. It won't happen over night, but i don't recommend the overzealous Cheshire cat grin of the "Overly attached girlfriend" meme.

Is there anything wrong with you? NOPE not a thing. Some situational awareness is all you need at work.

My mom worked in customer service for over 20 years and was known -fondly -as Miss Sunshine.  She is and was genuinely pleasant.  She taught me from a young age always to answer th phone (pre caller ID!!) with a smile on my face to remind myself to have a pleasant tone.  I don't think a plastered smile is needed -just a pleasant, approachable face and demeanor.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Sarah Smith said:

Ive lost two customer service jobs because of this, because I look “angry” and co-workers / guests don’t like it.  and losing those jobs made me feel like there is something wrong with me.

Sorry this happened. What exactly did they cite as the reasons they terminated you? Obviously they can't say it's your looks. 

Perhaps you could go to a salon and get facial massages to relax muscles? Some people go to dermatologists to improve "angry looking" facial lines, but that's sort of extreme and up to you.

It's difficult to envision what exactly this "look" is, but if you're not angry or upset it's unclear why this facial expression is there. 

[Andrina]

Yeah, I have a resting B#$% face too, and the same happened to me when I was a teen, that a few girls who later became my friends told me they at first thought I was stuck up. One time, when we were watching a ceremony in the group we belonged to, I was trying to smile just because I'd been told I don't do it enough, and my friend asked, "Why do you have that weird look on your face?" ha ha

Of course I've always smiled and laughed when I've been engaged in good and funny conversations. 

I say, just do you. Customer service probably isn't your thing, but there are so many other jobs up your alley you will be successful doing. 

Even as an introvert, and not being the most popular person in the room, I've been the most financially successful member of my family. Their will always be people who get you and like you exactly as you are. Usually I get along better with extroverts, maybe because they like how I listen to them and I like how they pull me out of my shell. I also have a dry sense of humor that those who like that type of humor, get a kick out of.

But yeah, when you need to, channel someone you admire, such as faking it until you make it, if you need to act a little bubblier than normal if the situation arises that requires it. You can get good at anything with practice. Take care!

[Capricorn3]

22 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Yeah, I have a resting B#$% face too,

Yes, RBF (Resting B#%*h Face) is a real thing. I had a school mate who had RBF, and when you got to know him, he was the nicest person .... but almost no-one would approach him because he always looked like he was in a bad mood. We also have a very close family friend and even after all these, I always think she's miserable and/or angry about something or other.  I can't tell you how many times we (or other people) keep asking her "is something wrong?", and she always looks so shocked/surprised and says No, she's quite happy.  My BIL always tells her "Smile!!", lol.  She gives a weak little smile and then it's back to RBF, lol.  It's very difficult to read these people.

OP, my only advice would be to keep telling yourself to smile in company (where appropriate) and when dealing with customers. Keep practicing! 🙂😀

[Carnatic]

On 10/3/2023 at 7:30 PM, Sarah Smith said:

So a lot of people have told me I look angry / not approachable. I’m almost never angry, I’m generally a happy person.

Many of my close friends admitted they were scared of approaching me before we were friends because of my “*** face”. But that I’m actually the nicest person once they get to know me.

Ive lost two customer service jobs because of this, because I look “angry” and co-workers / guests don’t like it. Although I try my best to look nice and smile more.

Let me add that I’m a bit of an introvert and I often get lost in my own thoughts.

It just really hurts how much people judge me just based off how I look.. and losing those jobs made me feel like there is something wrong with me

to be fair I don’t even have a question to ask, I just wanted to get this weight off my chest 😞 anyone experiencing anything similar?

I feel your pain. I'm similar, it's just how my face looks. I have downward pointing creases in the corners of my mouth that give the impression of me frowning and just generally quite a saggy face, so gravity will do its thing, that's only getting worse as I get older.

People will tell me to smile more but they never seem to understand that it still hurts to be judged as someone who is miserable, like they just seem to assume that regardless of what you say you are miserable. Nobody can just go around grinning 24/7, if you do people will probably think you're a moron and you'll probably start to get a sore face, but some people have faces that look naturally like slight smiles, even if they are in a bad mood they look happy so it works both ways.

[Batya33]

I don’t look happy all the time but I know I look approachable except when I specifically decide not to. Which I do for safety reasons or when I simply don’t want to be approached. 

[mylolita]

Hi Sarah! 
 

I always think we thrive best in areas we enjoy and have a natural passion/inclination for. I also don’t believe in having to mould yourself much to suit others or pretending to be something you’re not - it’s not going to last and you’re going to feel crummy and phoney about it in the long term! 
 

My advice would be; maybe customer service based jobs aren’t your forte? 
 

If you have a naturally serious or stern face, this is not a problem, and sometimes an asset in certain occupations. Art gallery work, “behind the scenes” roles, for example, instead of being behind the bar serving drinks and shaking cocktails for tips, your area better suited might be book keeping in the office, management roles, or stocking fridge and stock keeping/buying! Just an example! 
 

Management roles especially are often not suited for overly smiley, buddy buddy, giggly types. Stern and reserved, even cold seeming, can work well when having to manage people.

 

If you are introverted, solo work and behind the scenes so to speak might be better suited? There is absolutely nothing wrong with this by the way and to an extent, these roles are often even better paid.

 

I would embrace your whole self, even your perceived “flaws”, and use them to your advantage! 
 

After all, life is not about the hand you are dealt, but how you play your cards!!!

 

x

[mylolita]

Just to add, me and my husband know someone very well paid whose job it is to go into companies, see fault and assess slack and waste, and basically fire people. It’s a bit of an art form! You wouldn’t believe - and not to be done by a cutesy smiley preppy overly friendly type! 
 

There are many advantages to everyone’s personality and how they are perceived - I would find your niche and work it! 
 

x

[Carnatic]

I think people are still assuming that this must be down to something in the OP's personality... suggesting jobs that might be more suited to someone who is stern. But the point is that she might be a cutesy overfriendly type and maybe doesn't want to be treated as if she is otherwise. It sucks because there's not much can be done but everyone's entitled to rant.

[boltnrun]

I used to work with a woman who is 4'9" and very cute. People were CONSTANTLY patting her on the head and telling her how cute she was. This is a grown-assed woman, not a child or a pet. She struggled constantly to be taken seriously. I witnessed this struggle during a Gemba walk. The ops manager really gave her a hard time yet didn't do the same for the other presenters who were of average height. She made some comment about a lack of experience and maturity. This woman was older and better qualified than many of the other presenters and even had a Master's degree but she seemed to be getting judged on her physical stature and appearance. Totally not fair.

[NighttimeNightmare]

Unfortunately, this is just how humans are wired.  We “judge” everything via our perception. From humans, to inanimate objects, to food, smells, dangerous situations, etc 

So if you look “mean” (even through no fault of your own) you really can’t expect society to say, “hey this stranger looks unapproachable, but let me convince myself she’s friendly!” It just doesn’t work like that.  We perceive, then we react. 
 

I get you are just venting, but if you want different responses and reactions from people, you almost have to manipulate those responses out of them.  Put on an act of sorts, smile, be energetic and charismatic. Etc. 

[Batya33]

I’ve always been good at getting shy introverted people to come out of their shell and  engage and Interact  and I’ve been told that more than once.  I did that when I met my future husband on his first day of work at an event for new employees.  But yes if someone looks really sullen or hostile no thanks. I know a woman like that - the long term girlfriend of a good friend of my husband. We see her at large friend gatherings At restaurants when we’re in our home town.  I made several attempts to include her and speak to her and gave up.
The last time I saw her I caught her listening in to a story I was sharing with the friends sitting right near her so I made pleasant eye contact. There’s only so much I’m willing to do over these years. She has to meet halfway at this point IMO. 

[Jaunty]

You know, it's not fake / disingenuous to learn how to arrange your facial expression in a different way than it normally tends to organize itself, in order to present in a more approachable way to other people.   

Think of it as learning a new skill.  

That is, if you enjoy and would like to continue working in roles that require interfacing with the public regularly.